I’m a Transgender Woman Who is Saving Herself For Marriage. Why Aren’t Men Interested?

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I am a transgender woman. I am social, outgoing, and I have little trouble making friends, male or female.

Surprisingly, men who seem to be interested in me usually aren’t bothered by the fact that I wasn’t born female, but as soon as I let them know I am saving myself for marriage, they don’t give me another chance.

I don’t know how to tell a guy in a different way that might be received well, and it seems men who are interested in me expect immediate sex, and I also really dislike when a stranger just propositions me for sex. Speaking with female friends, I realize that this is not an unusual thing to happen, but it doesn’t seem like the actual nice guys I know or meet are ever attracted to me, and never consider me in a “dating” sense.

Some of my friends do occasionally have trouble with pronouns and wholly perceiving me as a woman, but they do treat me as they would treat any other woman (I’m still not a fan of being talked down to, or the “insert sexual innuendo here” accompanied by *giggle*), so at least at some level I am recognized as being a woman.

I have tried being an initiator and telling a guy when I like him, but that never seems to go over well. I just want to know, is there anything I can do differently?

Thanks,
Vanida

I am rarely tongue-tied.

But I am not sure where to begin when addressing your sincere question. I’m very afraid of saying the wrong thing — since I’ve never given advice to a transgender woman before — and have little to no knowledge about the emotions, challenges, and experiences of women in your position. So instead of twisting myself into a pretzel to avoid offending, I’m going to do what I’ve done for a decade: be honest, and deal with the consequences.

First of all, I’m glad you’ve resolved your gender identity issues. It must have been a long, confusing road to get to this point, and you’re to be commended for taking action.

Do whatever you want, don’t hurt anybody, and don’t judge people who think different than you.

Second, I don’t know that there’s a large body of literature specifically about transgender dating. But since you want to be treated like any other woman, I will treat you like any other woman. Here goes:

You have an unrealistic set of expectations about how the dating world works. These expectations cause all of your friction. Let’s start with some simple math.

Do you know what percentage of people wait until marriage to have sex?

3%

I am not judging you, shaming you, or expressing my feelings one way or another. Really, I don’t care about your life choices. Do whatever you want, don’t hurt anybody, and don’t judge people who think different than you. But I’ve gotten a lot of questions from celibate people over the years and the common strain between them is always this: they were endlessly frustrated that people kept dumping them.

Their argument boils down to: “I don’t want to change. Why won’t the rest of the world change to meet my needs?”

My answer — no matter whether it’s a man, a woman, or a transgender woman — remains the same: you have two choices — change to accommodate the majority, or accept that being in the minority narrows your dating pool considerably.

Are you a 5’11” woman who will only date a 6’2” man? Your dating pool is 5% of men.

Are you a 200K earner who wants your man to make more than you? Your dating pool is 2%.

Are you Jewish and you want to keep it in the tribe? Your dating pool is 1.7%.

So, Vanida, not only is your dating pool restricted by your pre-marriage celibacy vow, but it’s also restricted by the number of men who would feel uncomfortable (for whatever their reasons) dating a woman who used to be a man. I don’t know what percentage that is, but it may be more than any poll can honestly reveal.

You have two choices — change to accommodate the majority, or accept that being in the minority narrows your dating pool considerably.

Suddenly, your dating pool is not merely 3% of the population — mostly virgins, fundamentalists, and born-agains — but a much smaller percentage: religiously conservative men who believe in waiting who are also cool with having sex with someone who used to be a man.

Therefore, I can’t say whether you’re doing anything ‘wrong’ (being the initiator is not prototypically feminine, for example), but the primary issue is numerical.

The number of religiously conservative men who are open to waiting until marriage to sleep with a transgender woman is considerably smaller than the number of men who want to have sex quickly with women who were not previously men.

Those are the facts, not my feelings.

If anything, my dear Vanida, if you’re going to hold firm to your convictions, you just need to be really patient with this process. Best of luck.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Gerina

    Let’s put aside the religious factor – people who wait almost always do it for religious reasons, and religious people frown on transsexuality.

    Ignore that for a second so I can give you an equally glaring but sadder and more uncomfortable reason (disclaimer:  I am not transsexual but I have friends who are):
    I’ve noticed that people who date trans people are almost always fetishists. They don’t date them because “Oh, here’s an attractive human being who has XYZ qualities that I admire or can relate to.” They date them because “Hey now, here’s this exotic toy.”

    It’s next to impossible for a straight T-girl to find a good man who doesn’t just see her as a novelty object. Most T-girls with whom I’ve been in contact have suffered through a string of abusive, dehumanizing relationships, and it’s really depressing.

    What happens with fetishists, then, is that OF COURSE they want to have sex. It’s all you’re good for in their mind – boning and parading around. You’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who will date a T-girl and NOT expect sex until marriage. It’s hard enough for biological women as it is, but when you add a Y chromosome it’s next to impossible.

    1. 21.1
      Holly

      Gerina brings up an interesting perspective. No one should ever be used, though it does happen. However, I’ll hazard a guess that the reason transsexual “women” (they’re still male no matter what they think) do not fare well with finding mates with healthy sexual appetites is because, well, they’re   actually men. And most biological males who have a healthy gender identity and sexual tastes don’t want “women” who are really men.

  2. 22
    Aston

    I have been married for many years and got divorced few years ago after my wife went with someone else. For almost 3 years, I have been seriously dating a (very beautiful) woman (we still live far apart) and while we had sex, she was always very shy and always kept her panties while making love. As I wanted to travel with her, she claimed that she was waiting for some clearance to get her passport. After a while I felt something was wrong and after putting pressure on her, she finally admitted that she was a transgender, fully operated but still with  scars to be fixed in a second cosmetic operation.
    It was a shock for me, but as I loved her (and still in love with her) I accepter her as the woman I thought she was. She’s very beautiful and so feminine. No way one could see or even suspect that she’s a transgender.
    I believe that if I had learned her gender at the start of our relationship, I would never stayed with her. But for me today, she’s (still) a woman even though she cannot get babies, but that’s ok with me as I have already 2 grown up daughters.

    So my advice to you is, if you’re fully operated, don’t wait forever. You cannot wait to be married to tell him your past gender. He needs to know sooner and realize that you’re like a woman in bed. Otherwise, for sure, your marriage will be a failure.

  3. 23
    George Pence

    You just aren’t finding the right men I am a bi male who’s been trying to find a transgender woman to have a relationship with but am having a hard time finding one that likes an average man we are out there just keep looking

  4. 24
    open minded

    I am cool With dating a transgender woman, but I would never wait with sex. In my mind any woman holding back on sex could very well be frigid. You don’t know if your sex life would match at all. With the importance sex has in life I would never ever risk it period. Yes I would agree to take time to get to know the person first but I would never wait for marriage that would be a recipe for potential disaster

  5. 25
    AnotherDude

    I think through most of the previous posts you people got off track the girl asked for help. First I don’t know why men don’t find you interesting i have a GF she was born a girl but she also has male parts. I didn’t even know she was transgender until we first got in bed and actually got to it. Second if you’re waiting til you are married that makes complete sense and if your man doesn’t respect your choice then you should leave him. Third don’t stress it to much there will be someone out there who will love who you are inside and outside and once you meet him best of luck to you.

    1. 25.1
      Gordon

      If your GF has “male parts” she was NOT born “a girl” bur rather was designated “a girl” at birth by her fearful parents or some ignorant official (doctor).   More correctly, she was born “intersexed” and evidently still is.   S/he is very lucky to have retained his/her original parts into adulthood as most born intersexed have had their “non-conforming” genitalia mutilated during their infancy or childhood without consideration of their own preference, which could only be validly evaluated after they are adults when THEY are in control of what happens to said non-conforming genitalia.   Your experience with your “girlfriend with male parts”   is not directly relevant to this discussion of transgender issues as MANY intersexed people live completely normal heterosexual lives. and never have to face the discrimination and rejection endured by transexuals.   That said, your open-mindedness on the subject topic is refreshing and should be contributory to the OPs hopes.

  6. 26
    LB

    Maybe it has to do with the fact that straight men are going to know you are a man and not a woman, unless you lie to their faces about it, as many transgenders do. Wearing a woman’s identity as a piece of clothing and saying that you  are  a woman is a shallow perception of what womanhood is. You don’t have a vagina; I’m not even sure if you removed your penis. A vaginoplasty is not the real thing and you will not have the same chemical bonds with a male as a real female does. What you are is a gay man that dresses up as a woman because being openly gay is disgusting to you.

    Wipe off the make-up, take the surgical knife away, and everyone sees you for what you really are. If you think you can have the white-picket fence with the kids when you cut off your own pecker, you’re sorely mistaken. You likely won’t even live past the age of 40 before you decide that chopping off your nuts was something done while you were high on morphine.

    Men don’t want to date fakes. They don’t like women with fake breasts. They are not going to fall for a man with a visible Adam’s Apple and a dick. If you’re upset about that, tough luck, and have a fresh hypodermic needle for the meth you’ll need.

    Nice stock photo, btw. But that’s a real woman.

  7. 27
    Mark

    Usually waiting for marriage is reserved for super religious people or losers who didn’t even have the choice to wait or not. I’m assuming you won’t settle for a loser, so good luck finding a super religious guy that is cool with dating a transwoman who is saving herself for marriage.

    I am actually dating a transwoman that was a virgin when we started dating. If she told me that she wouldn’t have sex till marriage, I’d have left in a heart beat. I’m fine with waiting a few weeks till we get to know each other, but I am a man, and I do have needs.

    You can tell me sex is just a want all you like, and I can just as easily tell you how pretty much everything outside of water, food, and shelter is a want. I mean, you want a relationship above anything else. And isn’t that simply a want. You don’t “have” to be intimate or loving with anyone if you just plan on living like a robot. That’s pretty much impossible though. In much the same way men have sex drives that build every day that there isn’t release, eventually becoming so overwhelmingly powerful that you can’t even comprehend. simply trying to live like a robot and ignore it is out of the question, as well as selfish on your end. And if you tell me to just use my hand to get rid of the urge, then why the hell are we even dating? That would be like needing some love and affection from me and I tell you to get a lap dog. Pretty dick thing to do considering how emotional women are, always upset and needing affection from their man over every little thing that goes wrong.

    Basically, relationships are two ways. If you think you are going to get everything you want 100% of the time as well as having super high standards, you will stay single a very long time.

  8. 28
    Ada

    Vanida, I’m a bisexual woman, and I had a lovely, short relationship with a transgender woman a year ago. I also waited until getting married to have sex for the first time (I’ve long since divorced.)

    I know it’s not the same as your situation.

    I regret that I waited until marriage. My family and my community kept telling me it was the right thing to do, and maybe it was for them. For me, it was a disaster. We both knew nothing about sex before our wedding night, and it definitely didn’t turn out to be the beautiful experience of learning with and about each other that I had hoped for. It was scary and painful, and sexual incompatibility was one of the main reasons we split up. We had all these expectations about ourselves, our marriage, and each other that were wholly false. And we didn’t know how to talk about them either because we didn’t have any vocabulary or sexual experience to know what we each needed.

    I would ask you to think about the reasons you want to wait. It’s not wrong to want that, just consider where your choice  comes from. You’re beautiful and special, and you deserve happy relationships. If you want a relationship that does or will eventually include sex, you might be preventing your own heartache by slowly, over a time frame that’s comfortable for you, getting to know someone sexually before you agree to a commitment as serious as marriage.

  9. 29
    t

    Why would a trans “woman” who cannot get pregnant wait for marriage or even expect to get married?

    Men only want to marry to have children. You can’t give a man children.

    1. 29.1
      Crimson

      Actually she can. There’s the transplantation of the womb. They already did it and TS women got pregnant and become mothers.

  10. 30
    Katzy

    Vanida,

    Are you waiting until marriage to have sex for the first time since the day your mother gave birth to you ?

    Or for the first time since transitioning to female identity ? If the latter, please don’t allow a man to presume the former. That’s part of being honest.

  11. 31
    alvin

    Hello to all. I have been slowly finding myself ever increasingly attracted to transgender women. I even think to myself; why am I adding the first word. I always thought women in general were beautiful; but this is an overwhelming level of attraction. I strongly feel that a man who is lucky enough to find that special someone; is very fortunate. All I can say is that I would surely show my appreciation and dedication, exclusively to her.

  12. 32
    VeronicaS

    As a transsexual woman (who herself would like to get married someday), I think that the advice here is solid and compassionate.

    I’m not religious myself, yet I sort of understand the desire to save oneself, especially as a transsexual woman. Short version: A lot of men who have sex with transgender women aren’t necessarily into relationships.

    However, I think it’s unrealistic (and unfair?) to expect not to have sex until the relationship is legal. Not all romances are fit for marriage, but it’s an unusual romance that isn’t going to be consummated sooner than later. One person’s being transgender doesn’t change that.

    Also, how is somebody going to know if they’re sexually compatible with a partner if they don’t have sex?

  13. 33
    CHERIEA T

    I am a 67 year old transsexual women. I am impressed happy to see how enlightened all of you who have commented on this transanwomens letter. I don’t know her but I been in shoes or delima for my whole life.

    I gave up on finding anyone. All my older transsexual women friends have opted to be single or have a relationship with someone in the LBGT world.

    I wanted to be treated as whom I felt, since age 4, I was a girl stuck in a boys body.   I the 1950’s telling that to even your parents could mean being placed in a mental institution.   SOME OF MY OLDER TRANSEXUAL FRIENDS HAVE TOLD ME THIER STORIES. PARENTS DISOWNING THEIR CHILD -NOW INFLUNCED BY SATAN “they would say”.

    So I as a transexual women today would say to any transperson join a trans support group. Also find a religious minister who understands what being transgend Dr is about.

    I see how advanced and enlightened your readers are thats great. I myself have been traumatized by society to every starrt looking for anyone. But I try to make other parts of my life enriched as a single women.

    Cheria.

  14. 34
    Louise

    After I transitioned at 18 I was determine that I was going to wait for the right man to come along and let him take my virginity. I soon found that almost every man I knew asked if they could have sex with me, including my best friend’s dad who was 42. Apparently they were all curious to see if I would be “just like a real woman.” I eventually decided that my first would be Robert who I had worked beside when I first left school. He was 6 years older than me, very good looking and had a string of girlfriends of all ages. When we worked together he would often steal a kiss and say “have a sex change operation and marry me?” I had never told him anything about wanting to change sex but when I eventually did he said that he always thought I would make a better woman than a man and so he wasn’t surprised. He then took me in his arms and gave me a very passionate kiss. When I asked him if he would be my first he said that he had been hoping I would ask him. We continued to have a sexual relationship until he decided to get married and settle down. But I have to admit that I liked sex so much that I became a slut. I had sex with all the other guys who had wanted to shag me, including my best friend AND his dad. Then, when I was 30 I met the man of my dreams. He was 27 and had a reputation as a bit of hard man and had more women than hot meals and at least 6 children. He moved into the flat next door and would chat when we saw each other. One day he said that one of the other neighbours had told him that I used to be a man and I told him that was true. He didn’t seem shocked at that and started asking questions like when did I decide I was born in the wrong body, and what did the treatment involve etc. I thought to myself that or someone who had such a bad reputation he was coming over as very caring and compassionate.   Eventually, after talking for about three hours I ask if he had any more questions and he said “just one.” when I asked what it was he said ” will you let me make love to you?” I told him that someone as good looking as him could shag any woman he wanted (and he often did) but he said that he found me very attractive and then added “I don’t want to shag you, I want to make love to you.” Well he didn’t need to ask twice and we had a fantastic night of unbridled passion. The other women in his life soon got dumped and we have been together for for 25 years. He soon lost his reputation as a bad boy and last year his mother said to me that when we first started going together she thought it was just another of his stupid games but that she soon came to realise that he truly loved me and that I was a good and calming influence on him. If I had decided to wait on the “right man” before having sex, then I would have had a long wait. I did have a wait on the right man, and he was certainly worth waiting for, but I m certainly glad that I didn’t have to wait to experience having sex.

  15. 35
    Mikhail Ramendik

    I think most of the needed points are already made here. I would add that quite a few of the men who wait until marriage will want biological children, and would therefore not marry an infertile cis woman, either.

    And another, perhaps more important point: practical. I would recommend trying liberal Christian circles, such as Episcopalian in the US. That crowd is where a man who would both accept a trans woman and would be willing to wait until marriage *might* be found.

     

  16. 36
    Glenda Elkins

    I’m a trans woman myself and I’m getting married soon,I love my husband and wont to give him everything he wants including good sex ,

  17. 37
    Gallilee

    Patience and hope for some.

    There must be some men in the world who want to wait for marriage with a transwomen.

    The important question is: how manynofnthem are there? Is there any data on this sort of thing?

    If it’s 0.00002% maybe you should try to change your goals. If it’s 2% just be patient and proactive and you may get whatbyounwant.

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