Why Would a Guy Make Out With Me and Never Call Again?

How Can I Make a Guy Who Slept With Me Want to Commit to Me?
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Dear Evan,

I am in my upper 20’s and have been single for about 4 years now. I have been so down lately because I am one of the only single girls of all my friends and am frustrated because I haven ‘ t been able to find a decent guy that actually interests me, that I’m attracted to, and that is actually interested in me back.

Until, one day, at a friend’s going away party, I met this attractive, funny and interesting guy. Long story short, he was clearly into me. He was very forward with his attraction to me and ended up kissing me on the dance floor. We then drove back to my friend’ s house where the party continued and he sat next to me, put his hand on my knee and would act like we were “together.” This is after several kissing sessions on the ride over there. Then, when it came time for me to leave, he gives me a long passionate kiss goodbye and asks if he can see me the next day. I had plans that day but told him to call me and gave him my number. Not surprised, I didn’t hear from him the next day.

However, he text messages me on the following night and said that he had a really good time and hopes we can get together again. The next afternoon, I texted him back and said I had a good time too, and to call me so we can get together again. He texted back and said he would be out of town until June 1, then “we should make plans.” I said “sounds good, looking forward to it,” and he responds, “Me too.”

It is now almost 3 weeks later…and I never heard from him. Did he just lose all interest? Should I try to contact him, and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he ‘ s interested? I don’t get it. Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call? It’s just disappointing because he was the first guy in over 3 years that actually sparked my interest. It’s hard meeting people sometimes. So, I was hoping for a bit more this time around…

Any thoughts?

Alejandra

Tons of thoughts, Alejandra. Thanks for sharing.

Instead of riffing and going on tangents like I tend to do, I’ll just tackle your questions one by one:

Did he just lose all interest?

Yes, but not because of anything you did. He probably never had real interest. Or he had interest but it waned like a five-year-old who gives up on a new toy after a week. Or he had someone else in his life who already had his attention. All you know is this: he hasn’t called in three weeks, he’s not interested enough. Move on.

Should I try to contact him and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he’s interested?

You can, but I wouldn’t if I were you. Even if he shows up, he’s already proven to be either a) flaky or b) disinterested. So what can you possibly gain? What if he shows up again and you hook up at the end of the night? Now you’re in the same position as you were before — waiting for this guy to call you, and having no real sense of whether he will. That doesn’t sound like too much fun, does it?

I guess the best case scenario would be if you showed up like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease, all leather pants, attitude and hairspray. And when he shows up, you blow him away with your newfound sass and fly off into the sunset in his car. But this happens rarely. Maybe two or three times a year. So let’s put it on hold.

I’d say you should use your friend’s party to meet a new guy — a better guy. Because if you invited this dude to your friend’s place, you know what he’d see the party as? A chance to meet another girl — one not named Alejandra. And presuming he doesn’t find someone else, I’m sure he’d be glad to kiss you at the end of the night. It’s good to have a safety girl around.

Which brings us to……

Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call?

That’s the big question, the baffling question, the one that drives women mad. I wrote about it extensively in Why You’re Still Single and think that the lesson remains the same:

Kissing, flirting, groping, oral sex, tender romantic intercourse… doesn’t necessarily mean a thing to many men.

It’s just something that they do when they’re in the moment.

He’s out with you, he senses you’re into him, you’ve both had a few drinks, the attraction sparks are flying… why not make a move?

Doesn’t mean he likes you.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, either.

It literally means NOTHING.

To him, it’s just good, clean, adult fun.

What’s worse is this – he doesn’t spend much time thinking about the fact that you might have actual FEELINGS invested in him. He just thinks, “Wow, that was fun. Now let’s look for someone else.”

This doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, although he may be. It just means that you and he assigned different meanings to a night of kissing. Some people assign different meanings to sex, some assign different meanings to a one-year relationship. All we know is that people have different agendas. And you should never be too surprised when you learn that a guy’s agenda is different than yours.

If you can’t deal with the ups and downs of being crushed when a cute guy kisses you and doesn’t call, you should probably not kiss any more cute guys. But rather than that, I’d just open my eyes to the fact that people come and go, and 99% of first dates do NOT result in marriage.

And if that’s the case, try not to beat yourself up when it proves to be true in your love life as well.

I feel for you and hope that you get over this guy fast. The RIGHT guy will most DEFINITELY call you the next day.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Rachna

    It kind of totally means he’s a jerk…don’t make out with someone you’re not interested in, make false promises, or lie. A woman who does that is bitch. Same rules apply. It’s called leading someone on, and he’s a jerk.

    1. 21.1
      Guesswho

      I can’t believe how silly some of you are being over this.

      Neither the woman or the man are bad for making out with someone they aren’t that interested in. Physical attraction is a real thing, and people are allowed to act on it. It doesn’t obligate either party to take things any further.

  2. 22
    Debrah

    I am a genuine tinkerbell in life. I believe in chasing after people and never giving up. However, I also believe in being strategic in life. Being logical.   I mean, sure, live in the moment but be realistic when living in it with human beings. Not only will people always do what they want, people will always either change or change their minds.

    To girls, why do we constantly commit ourselves to scooping shit when the “dog” isn’t even committed to us? Well, some people call it: “feeling too much” and often attach it to being wrong. Feeling is not wrong or right though, it simply is. We are human, we feel, it’s what we do and it comes with more good than bull. Now while you’re feeling, don’t forget that you can still THINK at the end of the day. Be realistic about life and people. Sure, it will be hard while you are running high on emotions but that’s when you let thing be. Do absolutely nothing and be ok with feeling.

     

    Alejandra, you are still young. You will still get your heart broken plenty if you choose to put yourself out there. It’s really just experience and some time down the line you won’t even feel a thing towards him. Who knows, some guy has already swept you off your feet. Thing is, when you hide yourself from the world for as long as you have, coming out you will be a world of wonder to many because you still have a lot of yourself to yourself and most will want that and not be sure if they want to keep you because they have met many wonders like you and have been disappointed to find that he or she is not “the one”. It’s all just growing up, being curious and gaining lessons from wonderful experiences. One day you will understand and appreciate your past.

    As for the guy, when you mess up; as in, you make a girl cry. You don’t make excuses about this and that, you simply say, “I am sorry.”.

     

    To the world….love harder and harder and harder, every single time. Love does not require intelligent beings but instead, fools, utter fools, to fall into it. Until you learn to be okay to be a fool for love, you are not ready for it because intelligent people know when to be stupid. An African proverb says: “Only fools know everything.”. Become a fool for love and you will finally know all that you need to know about it.

    Stay adventurous, unfuckwittable, with an open mind. Remember: it always gets better so embrace and keep moving forward.xoxo:)

  3. 23
    Unknown

    That happened to me sort of. My friend wouldn’t stop texting me when I was in his sisters room and he was flirting with me. When I came out of the room he led me into his and started kissing me, after about 20 mins he said I think you should go and we’ll carry on tomorrow. But then the next day he text me saying it was a mistake and he was drunk but he certainly wasn’t. I told him not to give me mixed messages then he read the message and ignored it so I texted him again and he blocked me so my messages wouldn’t send. Next time I see him he’s got it coming for him!!!!

    I think you should text the guy and ask him if he wants to go somewhere with u to see if he’s still interested. Hopefully it won’t end up like mine 🙂

  4. 24
    Lavie

    exactly same thing happened to me and I’ve been wondering g why. In my case though we met online, scheduled a date, went out for dinner and chemistry was really good. We made out three times, he insisted he had a nice time, he really wanted to see me again. Didn’t hear from him in 3 days so I texted, very casually to say hey. He responded the next day as though I was a total stranger and so I deleted his number.

    These types already have some one in their lives and you (I) was just probably a little distraction after a bad argument or a temp break up.

  5. 25
    tracey

    Dude the guy is clearly married . All the signs are there.Married guys make out but no sex.(No guilt of cheating) Married guys text but never call. They do this for an ego trip.

     

  6. 26
    JenC

    My mom had a saying: Some people are like ducks; they wake up in a new world every day. So it sounds like the case with men. Yesterday is gone, it’s a new day and off to new adventures.

  7. 27
    sheilah

    let me share this, though it came to my conclusion, I was from my cousin graduation and as relatives we went to have a cool lunch. So went to this restaurant where, I entered in and at the corner there was this handsome guy, though when I just came in he whispered to his friend , and he started looking me till the lunch was over. so before we came out he twinkled his eye and called me, so I went and he asked me for my number… which I was ashamed to give out since my grandma was allowed. so I gave him my number and he texted me. in the evening he texted me and we had a cool chat which I enjoyed and I prayed that he will stick with it.
    we organized dates and how he was really impressed and interested with me. one thing I loved the way we met and he changed to be in my mind.
    the following morning, i thought I will wake up with his cool chats, he never texted me till in the evening am the one who wished him a good night. and he asked how my day was and since it was late we wished each other a good night.
    I felt bad since the whole day he never thought of me, many questions lingered in my mind. and I can’t help it. though am planning to clam down and see what he is after.
    girls usually be suspicious and I really hate that feeling. I start regretting I wish I never met him..
    it can be hard at times

  8. 28
    Alyssa

    I disagree with Evan and I think she should text him back and make plans.   He probably thought she wasn’t as interested as he was when it took her until the following afternoon to text him back.   That’s all.   Stop with all the analyzing and over-thinking   =P

  9. 29
    Arielle

    I am very sorry to say that men continue with this leading behaviour, serving their own satisfaction, well into their 40s and 50s. I am in my late 30s and have made peace with men disappearing and never calling. I just enjoy the moments we have and don’t expect anything after the night is over.   I have learned that not everyone is meant to be in a longterm committed relationship. I have looked into my own flaws both physical and mental, gotten therapy, work out, look the best I can for myself.   One night of having a man being protective over me is enough to release the oxytocin once in a while.   I find a hot water bottle a lot less hassle  in the longterm 🙂

  10. 30
    jenn

    men are crazy. They are not right in the head.

    This isn’t about a ltr it’s about common courtesy.

    In a normal world if a guy has some connection with a woman or had a good time on a first date he will naturally ask her out on a second date that would be the normal thing to do. In a normal world men would respect and enjoy being around a pretty woman or woman who has it together and who has a lot of great qualities.   But not in today’s dating world men do not appreciate amazing or great women they don’t appreciate anything.   most men I talk to never talk to me again after the first date and I’m a very beautiful woman kind and a great person it’s pretty shocking.

    Were not talking about a relationship- just a second date or even chatting   even if you cuddled, he touched your breast you had a connection! Nope not even that   it doesn’t make any rational sense   these guys are not normal- they’re freaks   the dating world is full of these creepy weirdos and freaks and women are screwed

     

     

  11. 31
    TommyV

    Sometimes a guy is just looking to make out and be done. I agree it’s not cool for her but when he meets his buddies he’ll have a new story about the good looking girl at the party he got to make out with. It’ll be a boost to his status.

    OR he would love to follow up but he sees you as out of his class and can’t bring himself to have a real conversation with you because he’s horrified he doesn’t know what to do. That was me for too long. And that ended up hurting some girls whom I truly liked in the process. Yes, he might simply be one of the many jerks out there too. But in my case, it was a matter of fear and immaturity. Time and wisdom was the answer to my issue. Now I’ve been married to the same woman for 23 years. Hang in there!

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