Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

– A one-line text to follow up.
– A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
– Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
– A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…


“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

Join our conversation (587 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 301

    This articles gives serious pass for men to just use someone first and then decide how to discard them later with “unspoken” signs. I’ve heard on a multitude of occasions how men don’t want to “read women’s minds” and they “should be clear about what they want and don’t”. So should men — BEFORE using someone for their own amusement. It isn’t fair that she has to figure everything out AFTER the fact. When will men stop just explaining HOW men are and take some responsibility in correcting their fellow guys?

    1. 301.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Do you honestly think that it’s reasonable to expect that people who have no idea if they’re at all compatible are suddenly going to ignore the call of lust?

      Wouldn’t you think it would be FAR more effective to tell women to exercise self-control because they can’t count on men to do so?


      By telling men to take responsibility for both the unknown future and women’s feelings, you’re essentially infantilizing women.

  2. 302

    I’d like to comment on something Karmic equation posted. It’s true that men don’t filter/decide on being in a relationship with a woman based on “good sex” because to men all sex is good. It’s also true that if a man doesn’t call back after sex he isn’t interested. There’s a high probability that he wouldn’t call back even if you didn’t have sex him though. I think it’s immaterial. Unfortunately for us sex with most men sucks or is medicare at best at least for the first handful of times. That’s why sexual compatability to those of us who enjoy sex is so important. That being said. I don’t have sex with men to get them to like me or to try them out for compatability. I have sex with men because I want sex, I enjoy the physical even if it’s not that great, though this experience can be mitigated depending on who you choose. The men I have sex with quickly, I do so because they are hot, often younger and and/or I don’t like much as person (not compatible to be in a relationship with). So the fact that I had sex with you right away means I never liked you beyond your body and don’t care if you call me back or not. I know men think they have the corner on “devaluing and discarding” but we do it too. I find it disturbing that grown women think that the sex means anything to a man. If while on an actual 1st date with a man he’s pushing hard for sex, that’s all he wants with you, doesn’t matter if you do or don’t he’s gone either way. Some may try a few more times to get you or may come back for more if they got it but that’s it.

  3. 303

    Men are not honest. They can’t even be honest with themselves. I was cheated on and the guy went out of his way to convince me I was making things up because it’s all in my head. Then after I decided he was telling me the truth, telling myself I was wrong for years and trying to figure out on my own why he tells me he loves me but won’t treat me like it.   He won’t talk to me about us, take me in public with him. I thought we was some how making things good even though he still wasn’t trying. He then put our wedding together and we got married. I thought that was a sign of a promise he was going to be with me. He waits years cheats again and this time he admits to it and tells me its my fault oh and I also cheated the first time and it’s your fault. He says he’s not cheating and he’s not going any were because he hasn’t given up on us. So when will he do something to prove he didn’t give up. When is he going to talk to me, take me in public with his or start having sex with me again (he cut me off two years ago and that’s some how my fault too). So when is he going to be honest with me.

  4. 304

    Im very hurt and confused. We ve been together for well over a year and half. Living together two months. Last night he told me he wont be caught that we are nothing but an on going one night stand. What the hell? He begged me to move in with him. Im crushed and he acts like its no big deal. He has told me he loves me and can’t live without me. I dont get it.

    1. 304.1

      Obviously you’re getting something out of it or you would have left by now? Otherwise, move on. If not, then keep beating yourself up over it. Whatever you are doing is because You Want To.

  5. 305

    Funny how I was on and off with a man (well teenager to mid 20’s) for 11 years with all that bs in it this article mentions from both of us for various reasons, and then for 18 years exclusive with 3 children joining in as the years went on. hmm Most people don’t know what they want until they finally realize they’re only going to get what they’re given regardless who it is from – and most people don’t give as much as is wanted. And it can take a while for them to figure that out, hence, alot of hurt feelings. It’s called settling down, ie. settling, growing up and using your brain for something besides your superhuman expectations of others. We accept what the other has to offer as not as bad as we thought before. The more time together the more you may get to like someone you thought never in your life would you be “not at all attracted to“. Hey, but if you think someone better has come around while in a ‘relationship’ then go for it, see where it gets you. Or, you think you’ll find Mr. or Miss wonderful then go ahead and waste years of your life and lose the one you realize later was the best out of all (even though just slightly). Nobody is perfect but you may share more in common, which is nice sometimes. And you better believe that years down the line you’ll feel that honeymoon phase die out and start thinking.. there has got to be better fish in the sea. Wrong. But most people don’t find this out until after. As far as the 18 year relationship I had, his narcissism/entitlement no matter how horribly he treated anyone ruined that. He apparently didn’t get the memo and now his new live in bimbo has things like, “If you want to be happy you have to settle for less. No, lower. Even lower, a little lower, yes right there.” lol And.. his dependence on another for financial gain has now put him in poverty. Though, I’ve been in poverty since leaving him – because of his greed (we were fine financially) and my medical problems not bringing in enough money for his taste, and him constantly causing fights about blaming everything wrong on, my, what he considered not even a factor ie. FAKE medical problems… it’s as if I didn’t even have any in his eyes, and that doesn’t include the years of bullshit with his entitlement to treat us all horribly and still think he should be loved.. to only realize he had to see the error of his ways and apologize to get sex, which he learned fast, go figure.. it was all fake apologizes to just get sex, then he’d be a hateful self-centered ass all over again. Of which I also learned fast but still tried to make it last for our children and to be mature. But, his loss because now my 3 children live with me and take care of ME and ignore him because they know he was a selfish arrogant prick not worthy of being called a father. I could say all day how I made a mistake and had 3 children with him, but I’d be wrong because this is typical of our society in the USA at least. And I love my children and am grateful to have had them. My life is complete. And I know if I were to get in another relationship it would not be all peaches and cream, because I’m an intelligent human being, unlike most dreamers who have unrealistic expectations. ie. spoil me mentality.And.. no, not all men are honest. Most are pigs and lie through their teeth making women believe they are in love to just get sex then dump them like the immature brat, disease spreading, illegitimate child makers (who then demand abortions) they are. Something we really don’t need in an ‘mature’ intellectual species. But it’s there, sadly. Maybe one day people will stop acting like animals? Oh, and yes, there are woman that do it to. Usually known as a mental illness called promiscuity. That in a purely sexual (i.e., merely physically intimate) relationship, “it is only a matter of time before the partners experience feelings of emptiness.” This is exactly what sexual (or any) addiction is all about. The initial “high” from sex, from orgasm, from infatuation, from novelty, from romance rapidly fades away. And then the sex addict searches for that next “fix.”

  6. 306

    Really it’s simple.. don’t give in to men, don’t sleep with them.

    The one who is worthy of you will be the one that wants to hang around you 24/7 without you sleeping with him first.

    The rest are dogs that will cheat on you.

  7. 307

    I’ve slept with several women on the first or second “date”, and I can tell you I don’t ever remember thinking that I definitely wanted to pursue a serious relationship with any of them.   To be honest…I wasn’t sure one way or the other more times than not.

    A few relationships I did wind up pursuing was initially due to the quality of the sex and the amazing physical chemistry we shared.

    Not always did one time in bed, lead me to realizing the full extent of said chemistry…so sometimes I pursued it further and sometimes I probably blew her off …like the article explained.





  8. 308

    Right on. Well said, clear and to the point.

  9. 309

    Finally. Dating advice for women. Tired of the typical intracate steps on egg shells men must take to be successful. Women need these communication skills to be successful themselves.

  10. 310

    Real men should hire a professional for sex when they feel they have to do so. You are paying her to go away quietly and not take half or more of everything you have.

  11. 311
    Cosmo Topper

    The definition of insanity is to continue doing something which never worked successfully. Failure is painful, and even the densest human will eventually notice that the pain stopped when the action which caused it stopped.

    The exception is dating. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.Fake it until you make it etc.

    NO. A limit will be reached, and a renunciation of the practice will result. Self-preservation has finally kicked in, and survival is now possible. Healing can now commence, and wisdom has been enhanced.


  12. 312

    Wait, I feel humored and flabbergasted! This man just broke down the psycholgy behind the emotions and actions of men in regards to dating a women but upon reading the comment section women aren’t accepting the truth and are instead coming up with their own theories that contradict the truth.

    Wow and so many of us women wonder why we get our hearts broken time and time again. People today really need to grow up.

  13. 313

    Recently dated a man who’s 57 incredibly good looking charming great job. Totally tried to groom me. Nice dates. He was talkative but not really listening to me. Showing me notes he takes on all women he dates. That was warning no 1. We texted 5 weeks. By date 4 we talked about becoming intimate. Asked if he was dating anyone else. He said yes a date with someone else’s the day before our big romantic date where we planned to have sex for the first time. Immediately dumped him. Told him it was very nice getting to know him but that I want a man who is so interested in me that he doesn’t want to date others. Or at least doesn’t want to take the chance Of screwing it up. So proud of myself. My younger dumber self would have slept with him and THEN asked for a commitment.

  14. 314

    to be honest – I think this is wrong – I can explain men – being one – sex is not JUST sex – masturbation is just sex. If you sleep with a woman and wake up and she is there – head on pillow beside you or maybe in the nook on your shoulder and you sniff her hair. Sometime in that thirty minutes or an hour before you both wake up properly – that is when you decide. Who are you? Who is she – – was it fun (most likely), perfect (unlikely), but now in the morning light of an american summer, what is better? what is more perfect? Run avoid commitments, grab your keys and go? No, stay calm slumber, say hi, giggle, have a coffee, make a plan to have breakfast, or maybe not, be a friend to your intimate new friend. Then both of you decide as friends, together, what to do next.

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