My Wealthy Boyfriend Does Not Buy Me Gifts. Should I Be Hurt?

My Wealthy Boyfriend Does Not Buy Me Gifts,. Should I Be Hurt?
My question is that I have been seeing a guy long distance for 7 months. He seems to be really crazy about me, visits every couple of weeks and we talk on the phone nearly every day. He is going through a very public “yucky” divorce and is quite wealthy. However, he is VERY cheap with me and pretty self-absorbed. He does pay for all of our dates, but he didn’t get me a Hanukah gift (or any other gifts!). We are both Jewish and Hanukah is a big deal…and I got him very nice gifts. I know I have high expectations regarding men and this kind of issue…but I’m having a very hard time with this man who in so many ways I’m so happy with. He does so many self-indulgent things for himself (including a spa on his own for a week that cost $6,000, gets regular massages, drives an expensive car, has elaborate parties for his daughters’ birthdays, etc.) and while I’m appreciative that he comes to visit me (which involves a 1hr flight) and we go on lovely dates, I’m really hurt….what should I do? Thank you…I LOVE reading your advice.

Yvonne

I love your question, precisely because it defies any obvious answer.

You’ve already acknowledged that you have “high expectations regarding men and money.” This is useful and somewhat self-aware. However, your admission calls into question your ability to be objective. How can I know if your boyfriend IS very cheap or if you merely PERCEIVE him as very cheap because you’ve raised the bar so impossibly high that any man is doomed to fail you?

How he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love.

I can’t answer that question for you. But if you have a perpetual issue with how much men are spending on you, it would probably seem to me that this is more about you than it is about them.

This doesn’t render your boyfriend blameless. The only reason I’m focusing on you is because you are the one who wrote me the email and you are the only one who can change your own behavior.

So let’s take a second to do a few things to reframe this discussion:

  1. You equate how much he spends on you with how much he loves you. This is a fallacy – and a self-imposed one at that. Once again, I’m not defending him if he is, in fact, cheap. What I’m saying is that how he feels about you is reflected in how often he calls you, how often he sees you, whether he’s willing to commit to you, whether he accepts you as you are without trying to change you… THAT’s love. Not expensive Hanukah gifts.
  2. You wrote that Hanukah is a big deal. Are you speaking for yourself or are you speaking for him? In my Jewish household, Hanukah is not a big deal at all. It’s always a big relationship mistake to assume that what’s important to you is equally important to him (and vice versa). Since this was your first Hanukah together, perhaps you can have an even-tempered discussion at some point next year where you talk about how this is your favorite holiday and you tend to go over the top with gifts. He will either take the hint and follow your lead, or he will tell you that he’s not a really big “gifts” guy and that you shouldn’t go overboard buying things for him or expect him to do the same for you.
  3. You’re conveniently avoiding the ways in which he IS generous to focus on the ways he’s not. He flies to visit you every few weeks and he picks up all of the costs. That seems pretty generous to me. Factor in that you’re his seven-month long-distance girlfriend, not his wife, AND he’s going through an expensive divorce, and, well, what entitles you to decide how he spends his hard-earned money?

If you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend.

I don’t know if you got him a $1000 set of golf clubs and if he got you a hand-vacuum from Bed, Bath and Beyond, but unless that’s the case, I would refrain from making a big stink about how much money he spent on your gifts. I’m not saying that you have to be with a “VERY cheap” guy, but if you want a snowball’s chance in hell at being his wife, you’re not gonna get there by complaining about his Hanukah gifts. In fact, since he’s going through a divorce, I’d think the LAST thing he’d want is someone who might be perceived as an entitled gold digger and that any “cheap” jabs will quickly trigger his break-up reflex.

Long story short: if you don’t like the way your boyfriend spends his money, find a new boyfriend. Don’t complain that he’s not giving you enough. THIS is how he chooses to give.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    lyn

    i want to know why men dont know enough to buy us gifts even after we havebeen married well over a decade!  even if we  tell them other wise, buy us a gift!

  2. 32
    lot

    Well, we are opposite. Time is the most precious gift a person can give to another person, in which case I appreciate more if a guy remembers me and gives me his precious time. I don’t think much about expensive gifts because I am working and I can buy what i want for myself…You are lucky if he gives you attention because that means he is giving away something that he cant have back and that’s HIS TIME sweetheart…He has his own reasons and if you love him you will accept him for who he is…love is more than any money can buy…be thankful for what he can give you and if you think you aren’t satisfied or happy, then maybe your happiness isn’t with him..just saying 🙂

  3. 33
    Everte Farnell

    How ’bout not dating married guys and laying all your unreasonable expectations on them. “He spends more on his daughter than me…boo hoo”

    Your fault, move on toots

  4. 34
    Sylvia

    I don’t agree with Evan’s reply here at all. That’s all nice and cute, that he takes his time and flies to his girlfriend, but despite the fact he’s married to her or not, any man who loves, especially the wealthy one, would invest money in his long-term girlfriend. I know men will rebel right now and say they don’t have to do anything, but in fact, ladies, more man spends on your gifts and attempts to make you happy, more he VALUES the relationship with you, more hard it will be for him to let go off you in future. Some men are just dumb enough to pretend they don’t understand you want to get something nice and valuable from your boyfriend as a reminder of him being generous and loving to you, but, trust me, he will play dumb untill you face him and say it straightforward. In this case, you have to be prepared to leave him without second thought, cause he might answer that you, honey, want too much and he doesn’t want to please you out of his pocket, but there’s also a big chance he’ll do anything to improve the situation and make it up to you. I have to tell, though, after 7 months it’s a little bit too late to have this conversation, you really should train a man to do certain things in the beginning or he’ll get rebellious otherwise, but you can still try. I had a 2 year relationship with a pretty cheap guy, who was going above and beyond with presents and nice little things for me, even though he wasn’t rich at all. In fact, he lived with a roommate and loved his dog only, until I appeared in his life and showed him why it’s wrong. However, if you expect to have nice gifts, you have to have something to bring to the plate too, weather it’s outstanding personality mixed with beauty, great cooking skills or just being compassionate and fun to be around. Don’t listen to anything all these men say and reply on my comment, because women, deep inside, know it’s the truth. They want us to think otherwise to make their life easier, but no, humble chicks were always the easiest ones to get over with.

     

  5. 35
    Jay

    Okay you are clearly a gold digger. He is going through a divorce and honestly should work through that before getting involved with another woman. And you yourself shouldn’t want to be with a man in such a place. Have some respect for yourself–you sound like an unpaid prostitute. I’m sorry, but everyone here is missing the glaringly obvious: YOU ARE DATING HIM FOR HIS MONEY!!!!  So you deserve nothing. His money should go to himself and his children.  

    1. 35.1
      Tracey

      A persons money should go to themselves and their children. I agree… But it all depends on the nature of the relationship between the man and woman. If this man has EXPECTATION of getting his needs met by her( emotionally and physically) AND he expects exclusivity, then she has every right to expect GENEROSITY to be reciprocated. The problem arises when two people have different measures of defining the showing of Love and Giving. Is it wrong if MY idea of my boyfriend being giving is I get a nice gift of something that would make me happy, and likewise it is not  wrong if my boyfriends idea of being giving is my show of affection and passion after a long day when I’d rather sleep. Why does one have to give but be criticized for wanting generosity just in another FORM?? Sorry Jay, but men like you want your own pleasurement met while criticizing women for wanting to have pleasure too. Shame on you.

  6. 36
    DIDI

    Yvonne, just face the truth, this man is using your body for entertainment! He lives far and comes to see you to other city so that no one will find out he is cheating on his wife. Are you sure he is getting divorced? How can you find it out(these are only his words, you can`t know for sure).I do agree with Sylvia that men value and get attached to a lady much more when they provide for her (that makes thwm feel like a REAL man)

    Why, if he loves you that much, doesn`t take you to live with him to his city? He could rent a small apartment for both of you to be always together? Because it is convenient for him not to take any responsibility for this relationship!!! Wish your luck.

     

    Just talk very openly with him, but be ready to break up with him. It`s not about the presents. It`s about you dating someone else`s husband who traets you as a booty call.

  7. 37
    Pearl

    Cheap is the worst quality in a man. Trust me.  They never change only get worst. Every year  about a month before my birthday he starts moaning how broke he is. So I get a card. Or he pretends to forget and rather spend money instead  have me disappointed and pissed off. Once he gave me his x wifes good plated ankle braclets she left there when they split up.  What he pays in taxes I could live on for 2 years. He reuses sandwich bags.

     

    1. 37.1
      Tracey

      The cheap man who doesn’t want to give you anything still expects sex whenever he wants, huh???  Selfish people are rampant. Manipulative people are even more prevalent. A manipulative person( man OR woman) will convince you that what they expect from you, you OWE them and should not be a big deal.. And by expecting anything from them they will throw a childlike fit. Close your legs, Girl.

      1. 37.1.1
        Romina

        Isn’t sex something that women enjoy as well? And there is nothing that indicates that he “threw a childlike fit”. Your very proposition implies that she’s an unpaid prostitute. There is nothing wrong with her feeling loved through gifts but it’s not his duty to provide her with expensive gifts considering he earned iti, he has children to care for and he is going through a hard period. Regardless of gender entitlement is not attractive. There’s no difference between a man who think his date owes him sex because he footed the bill and a woman who thinks her beau owes her expensive gifts because they had sex.

  8. 38
    Rachel

    She is fussy a lot of men don’t pay for all the dates!

  9. 39
    Tracey

    There is an aspect to all this no one talks about but women everywhere know it’s true. Men don’t want to be used for their money, right??? They should not have to give so much so soon, to someone who wants fiscal attention. Well, the flip side of that coin is women don’t want to be used for their Body!! Why is it ok for a man to show up beginning day one…. Wanting and expecting constant sex, attention and time from me… But I’m wrong for wanting attention on another level from him? Women don’t want to be used for SEX anymore than MEN want to be used for money. I understand you not wanting to be a Sugar Daddy.by giving lavishly to someone you aren’t married to….. Likewise don’t expect me to be your WHORE and have sex whenever you want since I’m not  a wife. NO ONE wants to be used or in an imbalanced relationship. If a relationship with time invested, ( not early on) has a wealthy man watching you struggle while expecting to have the energy or desire to jump on top of him every time you are alone than he is a USER. Remember … If a mans only desire is meet your SEXUAL needs and not any others, than dump him. I guarentee if all you did was talk to him for companionship but stand their looking HOT in a bikini but not be intimate. Hardly ever, he would be frustrated too. Again, NO one wants to be used. Having a language of love for nice things does not make one a gold digger anymore than sex beings language of love and being branded a nymphomaniac!! Follow your heart, and find someone who pleases you, instead of hoping he will change. Good luck

    1. 39.1
      Heather

      Spot on, Tracey.

  10. 40
    jane

    My husband does not like to spend a lot of money on gifts generally. I love gifts and tend to equate them with how much he loves me. We have found a happy medium. I don’t spend like crazy on him and if I want something specific, I will tell him ahead of time I would like this purse, etc. he is just not a big gift guy. He prefers hugs and compliments!

    that being said, when a man is courting a woman, he needs to bring it. It is appropriate for him to pony up and spend some money on a nice gift once in a while. Even my cheap minded husband did that for me initially. I did the same for him too. I would not settle for a man who refuses to buy you a nice gift. He is either clueless or stingy of heart.

  11. 41
    Julia Lewis

    To me that $1.99 rose makes a very loud and evident statement that I am on his mind and that he loves me.  The small stuff speaks more.  If he has a locked pocket for that $1.99 rose that I am not on his mind and he does not love me.  That is how I feel about love.  And it is a simple thought pattern for love.  If he is wealthy and I am on his mind than a floral basket given to me everyday shows me simply that I am on his mind and that he loves me.  It is that simple for me.  And it is a simple way to romance me.  And I have told men this fact in regards to me.  To me that simple rose costing him $2.00 shows me that I am on his mind and that I am important for him to ensure that I know that he is thinking of me.  I have been in relationships that he did not even take a pieces of paper and tell me Happy Anniversary.  And that was all that it would take.  To me, love is shown is those simple things every day.  Love notes left on a sticky on my drivers wheel.  Love notes left on a mirror in the house because when he looked at himself in the mirror the love for me made him want me at his side, picturing me next to him than without him.  He is without me due to not doing these simple little things in loving me.  Love is told and love is shown.  Love is felt.  And in falling in love it causes every heart beat of normal sinus rhythm, instead of irregular beats that he has now without me.  Cardiac disease usually in a subconscious thought pattern that starts in people due to emotional loss, anger and or frustration.  He lost me and it is due to himself.  And what is sad is that he know that is a truthful statement.  To me love is earned in the simple ways that he shows me.  People state not to sweat the small stuff, yet it is the small stuff that he does in loving me than shows me that he feels that he is unable to live without me.  Otherwise, to me it is not love.  I am only a trophy.  I am only that fictional character in his mind of who I am not.  And that has been a severe problem with the men that have lost me in their lives due to themselves.  And they are fully aware of that fact.  And thousands of women have agreed with me.  An extremely stupid ignorant man never learns how to love me in his arrogance. He does not love me and proved that is a fact.  I do not have to change for anyone.  I am perfect just the way that I am.  And if he doesn’t like it, than he is not for me.  I am not on his mind to simply buy that $1.99 rose, IN LOVE in loving me.  And it is his loss.  And he does know it.  He is fool now.

  12. 42
    Julia Lewis

    To me, he could have bought me that vacuum that I needed to pick up the four dogs hair in my home rather than complain about it in him not loving me and not showing me that he loved me.  He is fool for losing me.  Four dogs cause quite a mess in homes.  Yet they have loved me more than he did.  They have shown me more love than he ever did.  They are more important than he is.  He is that fool who lost me thinking of me as some fictional character in his mind of who I am not.  He sought her not me.  He murdered my dogs in his incivility of not loving me and seeking her instead.  I am also not some fictional story that he as a delusional man thought up in his mind to impress other people what are not myself.  He is beastialitor who murdered my dogs in his violence instead.  I do not pity her.  I do not have sympathy for her any further.  She is stupid enough to want to fix him.  She is stupid enought to want him in her life in some capacity.  That is a co dependent who seeks a dependent as if he is a child with severe mental illness.  She instead seeks his abusive personality disorder.  And I am not that woman that he or she may place their displaced anger upon in any way, shape or form.  They needed to be stopped.  One of these kinds of people that have been in my life was bad enough.  Two is disasterous.  Do you thinkk that they are able to comprehend these facts?  I do wonder if their is any synaptic transmission in any of these people and I doubt it.  I do not want a lap dog for a man in his dysfunctions.  She does.  She is fool, who I pity and have sympathy for no more.

  13. 43
    George

    I’d like to point out something incredibly obvious that I haven’t seen mentioned.

    You said: “he is VERY cheap with me and pretty self-absorbed. He does pay for all of our dates, but he didn’t get me a Hanukah gift (or any other gifts!). “

    The guy pays for all your dates and you have the audacity to call him cheap? Shame on you. That’s unfair in itself. I would never date a girl that never paid for dates.

    Maybe he’s couldn’t afford a gift after paying for all your dates! He isn’t your ATM!!!!

  14. 44
    Crystal Morrow

    HELLO?!!’ Why do NONE of these bitches understand that NOT getting a gift at all period .. she didn’t say ” I did t get an expensive gift” if you paid any attention at all. Is a HUGE problem them y’all can fuck off that’s probably why your not the Queen in the realationship okay!!!

    No I disagree with all the fools for 1! You deserve a gift period. One hand picked flower from the neighbors yard… one special order of McDonald’s fries with a small vanilla ice cream cone to dip late night .. one complimentary car wash coupon for $7 not including the tire shine… okay. Damn. -seems to me like all of these bitches on this chat have it BAD. ” gold digger don’t expect a gift ” damn.. lol you can go to the dollar store now in 2016 & get one gift & a bag for $2.00 plus tax so $2.10 total. NO Fucking Excuses for MEN sorry your men are lame as fuck, maybe get a Brazilian wax once a blue moon. Jesus.  Making this young lady feel like shit. Wow. I’m having the same issue. But guess what the answer is. Let him know how you feel & tell him what you would like for the holiday & ask what he needs as well & then see … don’t except what ever . .. men who are devorced  are a little careful with there $$ you can’t blame them… it’s sad. Good luck. You deserve the very best…!!! Everyone

  15. 45
    Mahya

    is he Israeli Jewish? I am and most actually don’t give gifts for Hanukkah, it’s more of an Americanized Jewish thing. Hahah…

  16. 46
    Noreen

    Wait through a couple more major holidays like Valentine’s and your birthday.  Beforehand, in a TENDER moment, tell him the holiday is coming up and say, “I’d like to talk about gift giving beforehand so I don’t imbalance the scales like I did on Haunuka……  (Later) I do like a birthday card and gift. What are your thoughts on gift-giving?”

    Prior to the holiday, before it’s obvious, reinforce that gift-giving is important to you.  If he blows it, especially on Valentine’s Day, then he’s not for you unless some really weird dynamic is going on.  It’s pretty inexcusable not to present something that day, unless there is a major spat going on or he has mental issues.

    In the meanwhile, only give to him at the level he gives to you.  So, if sex only focuses on his climax, it needs to not be given while you play that gosh awful age-old role of increasing your value in his eyes by staying busy as well as gorgeous and accessorized, in a flirtatious come-here-go-away, hard-to-get way.  With this man, always spend as much on yourself proportionately as he spends on himself.  He gets a massage, you get a latte or nails.  Your gift to him and to your relationship is to make sure you treat yourself as well as he treats himself until he comes to his senses and realizes what the important things in life are, like reciprocity.

    I think he’s a narcissist.  You know he’s an adulterer.  Keep your value up. Send a few mysterious deliveries sent to yourself when you know he !Ight be there, but sign them as a woman so if he asks who, it is just a friend.

  17. 47
    Martha Corrrea

    He takes  1 hour fly to come and visit her. he is wealthy and paid all the bill when you go on a date. he is getting divorce. in another words he is a marry men and is using her, he does not want to had an affair in his own town, he can afford it. he does not have no intention to divorce his wife. he does not buy her gifts. he knows he is attracted to women because of his money. OP you haven’t found love yet. you are attracted to him, because his money. but sorry he is a married man.

  18. 48
    SweetyHeart

    Women have to learn how men think, but men have to learn how women think as well. IMO its not unreasonable for a woman to expect her boyfriend to give her a gift on Christmas. If she was expecting gifts every month that would be one thing, but from what I read OP isn’t asking for that. Women like to be made to feel special, and the fact is that when a woman receives a gift from her man she feels special, loved and valued. Why? Because the man went out and spent his hard earned money on her, it means he’s investing in her and thinks she it worth it.

    I have a neighbor who is in his 60’s. I remember one Valentine’s Day where he bragged to me about how he got his wife two dozen long stem red roses. I said thats nice and he said, why do you think I’ve been married for 20 years! Another guy in his 60’s also bragged about he bought his wife a purse for no reason other than they were in the mall and she saw it and liked it. So later he went back and got it for her as a surprise. So these are married men who’ve been married for many years and they buy their wives gifts because they’re smart enough to realize guess what “women like gifts!” Doh in my Homer Simpson voice.

    I don’t think OP’s expectations are unreasonable. Life is short, every woman should have a man eho makes her feel special. I expect a gift 3 times a year on my birthday, Christmas and Valentines Day. And I won’t apologize  for it. I’m good to my man and I deserve it.

  19. 49
    Daniel A

    Gays love men, women love money

    That’s why an artificial womb is a necessity. Not having to have a woman draining your resources while giving very little in return will be a godsend

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