What You Should Assume About Men

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This is the third video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my 1500 question survey. Last week, I told you that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men. I got a lot of really great feedback on that and hope that you’ve already made the mental adjustment to stop thinking you’re a bad man magnet and instead realize that you’ve been way too accepting of unacceptable behavior.

Today’s tip might be a little more challenging because instead of telling you to dump the bad guys, I’m going to ask you to open up to a whole new way of viewing the pursuit of love. It may be counter-intuitive, but I am confident that it will make a big difference for you. You ready?

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You Have to Assume the Best In Men, Rather Than the Worst in Men

You’ve been hurt by men before. You’ve been hurt bad. You’ve vowed to learn from the experience and protect yourself from that ever happening again.

And to protect yourself from being hurt by a man, you:

Choose not to date at all.
Try to make him earn your trust.
Pull away from a guy at the first hint of trouble.
Tell him your relationship goals on the first few dates.
Want to clarify where things are headed in the first few months.

Those are all perfectly rational. The problem is: the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Let me explain.

Look at your life. You probably work a minimum of 40 hours a week. You probably have friends and hobbies and family. You’re probably really, really, wary of men.

And because of your previous experience, you do everything in your power to prevent the “wrong men” from getting in. You’re vigilant about looking for the signs. And you find them everywhere you go. As a result, you remain single.

Think of it like a visual metaphor. You live in a house. Mr. Right is walking down the street, trying to find his Ms. Right. There’s two houses right next to each other that look identical. They’re gorgeous, modern, spacious, well-decorated, inviting. Except for one minor thing. The house on the left has a 10 foot brick wall around it. The house on the right has an open door with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting.
Which house do you think Mr. Right is going to peek into?
It’s kind of a no-brainer.

the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Now you can make the argument that the RIGHT man would try to figure out how to scale the 10 foot wall. You can make the argument that the REASON there’s a wall is that there’s some crime in the neighborhood and she’d been robbed twice before. You can justify that protective wall in every way possible. But it doesn’t change the bottom line.

A good man doesn’t need to break down or scale your wall. He’s just going to look for a warm, inviting, open door.

To take it even further:

  • A good man will not be able to find you if you’re working 11 hours a day.
  • A good man doesn’t need to earn your trust if he’s never done anything wrong.
  • A good man may have a number of characteristics that you might not like.
  • A good man takes relationships seriously and can’t promise that he will know after a a few months that you are destined for the altar.

So while I deeply empathize with you if you’re trying to avoid “wasting” time by trying to figure out the future before HE knows the future. Just know that you’re sabotaging any real chance you have to form a real trusting connection.

You have to go in with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head. At any point you have the right to determine that he’s not the one for you, and he has the right to determine that you’re not the one for him. It’s called dating.

Instead of trying to figure everything out up front to protect yourself from getting hurt, give yourself to the process and let him reveal his character.

Opening the door and assuming the best will make the good men gravitate towards you. Treat him as if he’s going to hurt you and he’s not going to want to stick around.

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. Opening up to love and being vulnerable makes you more attractive to each new man you meet. And since you will never accept less than optimal treatment from a man, you can never be blindsided again!

If you’ve enjoyed these videos, in which I tell what men are really thinking, please, put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so you’ll get first notification (and valuable free bonuses) when my new book comes out.

Signing up will also give you access to a special report I created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    moggz

    Isabelle (6)-
    Thank you….you definitely pegged this for me! Being clever, funny, outgoing…and extremely enthusiastic can be as much of an obstacle as being guarded, cautious, and expecting the worst. Just like food, booze and sex….enthusiasm is best shared in moderation!

  2. 22
    Mary

    Tina(20),
    Thank you a million times over. You are right, (and I am right), but sometimes we need an outsider's perspective. It's not me, it's him. Next.

  3. 23
    Paula

    Thank you Evan for 3 very good videos. I think this one is my favorite though. It is very difficult when one has had their heart broken and the trust has been totally eradicated. When you meet someone new, they should NOT wear the shoes of the other person – the new guy is not the one that broke our heart. If we can just keep in mind that this is a clean slate, that this is a new man with his own distinct personality, then we can move forward and possibly have that love in our life that we so much desire.

  4. 24
    Shay

    Mary (#16),

    may I know how old are you and this guy you're dating?

    Younger people (below 30s) might be able to survive on passion alone. But more mature people (30s and up) knows there are other things which are as important or more important in life.

    BTW, you said ITS OK when he said its not the best time to meet. Please, Girl, say what you mean and mean what you say. If IT IS NOT OK for you, just tell him you understand he was away and you really wanted to see him even for a short while. You understand it might not be the best time but if he would oblige, it would make you very happy.

    He asked you AGAIN and you said NO. Now you're blaming him for assuming the worst in him and your unhappiness.

    You really could have said yes, you know.

  5. 25
    Cathy

    This was a great video, very well said and a great reminder for me.
    Thank you Evan

  6. 26
    Brenda

    For Mary – I have been where you are……….go out with other men, don't wait for Mr. Great Guy to decide when he wants to see you. You are not high on his priority list – putting working out before seeing you? Come on – I dated a man like this too………..I took the hint and quietly began dating others, found a wonderful man who treats me like gold (we've been dating 4 months now), he has exhibited none of the behavior you wrote about………and the first man then started to email, text and call again, wondering where I went, and didn't I want to go out with him? And I said “No, you showed me by your behavior that you weren't that interested so I moved on”……….

    You can do so much better – this is so NOT a great guy………..

  7. 27
    Cathy J

    Heya Mary #16

    Definitely mixed signals and to be really honest the change of plan on the day plus putting you on hold ++ sends major warning signals to me. Could he be seeing someone else also??? Laundry – that sounded like us gal's comments about staying in to wash our hair! I agree with Brenda #26 – see other guys. Don't be fallback girl. If he's interested he'll do better next time.

    Moggs #17 cooking is always a good thing – and seems to still be one of the ways to a man's heart!! Luckily, I love cooking – at least for the food I love to eat myself. However a great tip from a girlfriend of mine who is not so into cooking – she bought an ipod app with Jamie Oliver's 20 min meals. It comes with videos, shopping lists, recipes, the works – I was very impressed. Even the biggest novice can use this.

  8. 28
    Cathy J

    oops iphone app – you knew what I meant!

    Vanessa #17 – 30 mins too far away – not for the man who is interested. 30 mins is nothing!!!

    Happy relating peoples and Evan, thanks again – this blog is cool – the chatting is really nice!

  9. 29
    Diana

    To Mary #16, I see your situation as possibly a good opportunity missed. While I can understand your feelings, especially about the interrupted phone call, I am not sure why you chose not to meet up with him for dinner. Was it because you felt angry that all of your special preparations were for naught and he wasn't meeting your expectations?

    I know your heart was set on something special at home, but did you share this with him ahead of time or did you let him know during your call? Did you let him know how you felt about the phone call interruption? Maybe after speaking with you for 40 minutes he realized even more that he really did want to see you that night, even though the stress of everyday commitments was intruding. He thought that he could strike while the iron was hot (you were already on the road) and that you could still enjoy each others company in a different way from what you had hoped and planned for. You know the saying about how when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. 🙂

    I'd like to think that any disappointment you would have felt over a special dinner gone awry would have been replaced at the moment of seeing him over dinner. If he wasn't excited to see you, why would he have asked about meeting for dinner?

    I don't necessarily think you're low on his priority list, unless there's more to this relationship than you have shared. While his handling of the business call was not ideal, he did call you back rather than letting the interruption hang thick in the air. And I know how impossibly frustrating it is to have everyday life duties and a job commitment intrude, but when someone's been on the road, these things happen, as you understandingly let the guy know. I'm sure you can empathize.

    I sense what we have here is a failure to communicate what you were truly feeling, and thus I bet he doesn't even know what he did wrong.

  10. 30
    Karl R

    Mary, (#16)
    I have to agree with Shay (#24) on this one.

    You lied to your boyfriend about whether it was okay for him to not see you. He believed you. Now you are using that as your primary reason to break up with him.

    You will never find a boyfriend who can read your mind. The best you can hope to find is a boyfriend who listens to you and believes you.

    I cannot tell you whether you are a priority to your boyfriend. Unless you can read minds, you cannot tell either. The only way you can know for certain is to discuss the situation with your boyfriend … and hope that he is more honest with you than you were with him.

    Your boyfriend made some missteps. He should have told you he had to work on Wednesday and Thursday before asking whether it was okay to not see you on Tuesday. When the phone call interrupted, he should have either asked the other caller if he could call them back, or he should have switched back to your line and asked you if it was okay for him to call you back. I can see why either of those situations would annoy you.

    But from my perspective, neither of those actions warrant a breakup. (It is reasonable to tell him that those actions bothered you.) If you break up with every guy who makes a misstep like that, then you will break up with every guy.

  11. 31
    Isabelle Archer

    Mary – Honestly, I think you're being too sensitive here, and and seem to be engaging in a little bit of game playing as well. If you're not honest with your feelings and expectations, then you get mad when he doesn't meet your expectations, your setting a trap for him and setting yourself up for disappointment/ You've only been dating for 2.5 months, and his communication level with you (texting while travelling, etc) indicates that he does really like you. The fact that he wanted to chill out a bit on the day he arrived home after a long trip doesn't change that — and dont forget, he talked to you on the phone for almost an hour! If you really wanted to see him the night he arrived, you should have told him that instead of saying it was ok, then getting mad, then, to boot, refusing to meet him when he DID want to go to dinner with you! Talk about mixed messages! It seems like he's acting totally appropriately, but you're being a bit selfish and jumping to conclusions.

  12. 32
    Helen

    Karl 30 and Isabelle 31, you are both being too hard on Mary 16. At the spur of the moment, when someone changes plans on you, what are you supposed to say? Of course the kneejerk reaction, if you are a generally polite person, is to say, Oh, that's OK, even if it is not. That does not make Mary a liar, for crying out loud! Seriously, what would you have said if you were in her shoes, if you did not have all the time to think about a perfect response?

    I do think this guy is inconsiderate, and that the excuses of needing to work out and do laundry indicate that seeing her is not nearly as important to him as it is to her. I am married. I have had boyfriends, as have my girlfriends. I know dedication when I see it. This is not dedication.

  13. 33
    Rene

    Hi
    I am learning to dance. It is helping me to learn how to trust again. Not mentally. but physically.
    You see, mentally we know all that, but the pain is in body memory.
    Cheers

  14. 34
    Isabelle Archer

    Helen # 32 – Sure, its not dedication, but they have only been dating for 2.5 months. A little early for dedication!

    Also, if you read closely, you see that he really didn't change plans on her: they had tenative plans to meet up, they had a long phone conversation, and then he said he needed some time for himself to do some personal things after just arriving home from a business trip. Then when he DID ask her for dinner for that night, she said no – no sure why, out of revenge? That just reeks of score-keeping to me, bad news.

    Also, the fact that she is only focused on wanting to see him (her needs) rather than understanding his needs to attend to the home front makes her seem like the inconsiderate one.
    When you're trying to date in your 30s/40s (which I assume is the case here), you have to be a little flexible. We all have a lot more demands to balance than we did in college, and (for me at less), a lot less time and energy to devote to them. Its actually essential to know how to ration your time in order to make sure you stay personally and emotionally balanced — e.g., staying in and doing laundry and working out after just getting home from a trip.

    All in all, Marys reaction seems a little immature and ungiving to me. She and her boyfriend had conflicting, mutually incompatible needs on a pretty minor point: he wanted to have a night at home to recharge; she wanted to see him. Instead of figuring out a way to negotiate a solution, she got angry and is now doubting his dedication.

  15. 35
    Karl R

    Helen, (#32)
    How is the kneejerk, polite response conducive to open, clear communication between you and your partner?

    Did you notice that by her later post (#22), Mary had already decided to break up with her boyfriend?

    I could see excusing it if Mary said the polite thing, was annoyed anyway, had some wine and chocolate, and got completely over being upset. Or if she later decided it was not okay, so she calmly discussed it with her boyfriend. But when it rises to the level where she is ready to break up with her boyfriend (in her words: a great guy) instead of discussing the issue with him … that no longer qualifies as polite.

    Regarding laundry: If all of your clothes smell, laundry is no longer optional.

    Regarding working out: This can be done simultaneously with the laundry.

    As I said before, the boyfriend might not be dedicated to the relationship, but I will not make assumptions without his side of the story (which even Mary hasn't heard).

  16. 36
    Evan Marc Katz

    This, by the way, is why I don't allow people to ask their own questions on the blog comments. Shouldn't have allowed Mary's question because it derailed the entire point of the post. Next time…

    Oh, and I've received a LOT of emails from women who just can't let go of the trust thing. “What if he IS a cheater? What if he IS a jerk?”

    Then dump him. But wait for him to prove himself as a bad guy instead of assuming he's bad and making him prove that he's good.

  17. 37
    sayanta

    EMK-

    I was gonna say! How come Mary got to ask a personal question and I didn't? ;-p

  18. 38
    Shay

    Thanks for the others who shared their views similar to mine. *phew* I thought I was the only one.

    Btw, EMK. Mary's case is a good illustration for your above topic. I like this case study. 🙂

  19. 39
    Shay

    I didn't even think that Mary's guy made any misstep. He just told her the truth. You know, Europe's air travel is kind of chaotic now. The guy's colleague might seriously have problems which require the guy's attention/help. Phone lines once established might not be easy to reconnected for overseas calls. I can imagine the busy network now with the travellers trying to call home or whereever to make alternative plans. The colleague might be so frustrated, he doesn't even allow the poor guy a chance to take a pause.

    Cut the guy some slack about knowing which day to work and which day he is able to see Mary. Sometimes, there's just too much in the mind. Busy people often don't even realise schedules clash until we talk about it or write it down.

    Since Mary is on the road then, why can't she go over to the guy's place to make dinner while he does laundry and work out? Don't get it.

  20. 40
    sadra

    I just read Vanessa to Mary re: It seems like you are both too busy and live too far away….Wow, busy yes, but they live 1/2 hour away from each other! I wonder if others agree that this distance is “too far away”?

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