Why Being A Yes Person Makes Men Fall In Love

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Have you ever found yourself frustrated at a man’s behavior?

Have you wished that a guy would know intuitively when to comfort you or help you solve your problems?

Have you hoped that he’d figure out when to make weekend plans for you, and when to let you take the reins?

Have you wanted a man to understand what movie you wanted to see, what food you wanted to eat, and when you just want to be left alone?

If so, you’re in great company. It’s amazing when a man is so in sync with your emotions that every button he pushes is the right one.

Except that’s not how life really works, is it?

It’s the strangest thing about relationships, isn’t it?

You can be with an amazing man, yet 50% of the time you find yourself annoyed that he just doesn’t get it.

“No, I don’t want to run errands while you watch football. I want to spend time with you!”

“No, I don’t want to sleep in on Saturday. I’ve got too many things to do!”

“No, I don’t want to visit your Mom for three days. I’d rather schedule my root canal for that weekend than to spend a weekend in her house.”

No one can argue with this. Certainly, you’re entitled to your feelings about how you spend your time.

This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.

The problem arises when you are generally put your needs above your partner’s needs. Each of the above issues becomes a point of negotiation, where one party (you) has to win, and the other party (him) has to lose.

So if you end up making a big deal about each and every issue, you’re going to have a lot more friction in your life than a woman who prefers to say “Yes.”

My wife is a yes person.

She’s not a doormat, or a simpleton. She has opinions. She has feelings. She has ideas. But, at the end of the day, she fundamentally understands the concept of TEAM. That she could win every little battle so that she always gets what she wants… but the cost of it is a husband who feels consistently emasculated and second-guessed.

This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.

It might sound awful. After all, you’ve spent WAY too much time giving in to unappreciative men, but I’m telling you: it works.

Don’t think so? Guess what men are taught from the first day we get married?

The only answer to any question from your wife is ‘Yes, Dear.’

It’s true. Men in successful marriages will tell you so. It’s important to keep the wife happy, because happy wife = happy life.

So instead of standing on ceremony and hoping that your man instinctively bends to all of your wishes, try adopting a default setting of “Yes.”

You’ll find that your man is incredibly appreciative at how easy it is to get along with you, which gives you more leverage when you DO choose to speak up about something IMPORTANT.

This is a central message in Why He Disappeared. You can have the most beautiful relationship, simply by flipping your switch to say yes, instead of no.

I know that this message may frustrate you. You already feel like a giver, and you feel like you’re always bending backwards to please. Why can’t HE try to please for once?

I hear you. And I’m on your side.

But first of all, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who isn’t a giver. Effort is the most important quality in a man, and if he doesn’t make it, you have every right to leave to find a man who DOES give.

I’m talking about an otherwise healthy, balanced relationship, where you experience a little too much friction. And since you can’t control what your man does, you can control how he reacts to you.

That’s the beauty in saying “yes.”

Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.

Your generosity of spirit sets a tone of giving for your relationship that most right-minded men will want to emulate.

Believe me, we’re aware when we’re being the givers or takers in a relationship, and we don’t feel comfortable running a karma deficit.

So when my wife allows me to take a weekend off from visiting her family, or peacefully accepts when I want to see an action movie, or schedule a guitar lesson during Dancing with the Stars… I am very aware that she’s being generous.

And her “yes-person” attitude pays amazing dividends down the road, like this weekend when she wants to drive 3 hours to say goodbye to her friend who is moving.

Do I want to be there? No. Do I have any reason to say no to my wife? No. She’s always thinking of ways to make me happy; the least I can do is reciprocate.

It’s like magic, really. But it’s based in something very real.

The reality is that we men get a lot of “no” in our lives. Having a partner who delights in pleasing sets the tone for your man to be the same kind of partner.

Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.

What a miserable way to live life!

You may think you’re “winning” by putting your foot down, but actually, you’re killing your own relationship. How can your man function when he is constantly told that he’s wrong every time he disagrees with you?

It’s easy to come to the conclusion that the second you become a “yes person” is the second that your man takes advantage of your generosity and exploits it.

But I think that’s a real cynical view.

The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”

The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”

So, the next time you’re out with a man, try saying “yes” to whatever he suggests (within reason, of course!).

I am confident that he’ll be delighted at how much fun you are, and instantly want to make plans to see you again.

That’s how you BOTH win in the game of love.

It costs you nothing and is highly effective in getting the results you want: the devotion of a good man.

To learn more about how to make men want to commit to you, check out the last section of Why He Disappeared, which details what causes men to flee from relationships.

You may have the best intentions, but if you don’t understand what he’s thinking, it’s impossible to turn things around.

There are plenty of good men out there. Being a yes-person is the best way to make sure that they stick around.

And since most men are used to being with women who say “no,” I promise you will be a very refreshing change of pace for any new man.

Join our conversation (36 Comments).
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  1. 21

    I once read in a relationship book by Tracy Cabot that in an equal partnership, one person gets to be the boss 25% of the time, the other gets to be the boss 25% of the time, and the other 50% of the time, nobody is boss because you both end up compromising. Well, at least it’s supposed to work that way!

  2. 22

    @ Nancy #19,

    I understand the spirit of your post, but if you’re determined to try to ride out a relationship with a narcissist, you probably need to go to a professional counselor for that.   I’ve dealt with a few of these; since these types don’t believe they have a problem, there’s no living with them.   It’s not even productive to try.   For a narcissist to stop being a narcissist, he or she has to suffer some sort of event that pretty much shakes their foundation and their unrealistic view of themselves.   That’s a lot more drama than any of us probably want to deal with.  

  3. 23

    See, I have a problem. I am the fun sexy girl that doesn’t sweat the small stuff,  who accepts the guy for who he is and embraces new and unconventional experiences. But then  he (this has happened more than once)  decides that  who he was when he met me is  not who he wants to be anymore*, so he  changes his life drastically,  then “transcends” me. I can’t tell if I’m the 12th step or the “rock bottom” that precedes joining  the program. I also assume that  they may also change their self-professed  feelings about comittment  and  follow that up  by embarking on a search for  someone that they’d  ideally prefer  to commit to and becoming a more stereotypically  acceptable candidate for comittment themselves.

    *I date my age peers, and I understand that  the mid twenties is a time of tumult,  transition and  discovery for many people… I’m just wondering why the journey seems to  necessitate divergence in my case..

  4. 24

    I ve tried more than once to be a “yes” woman, and with my boyfriend it does work i must say, i start seeing new aspects of his personality he becomes more assertive, suggests more things ecc. also saying “yes” is a bit like opening up for the relationship, i think. it makes place for some extra connection. BUT then… after a while this “yes”, or just a neutral approach, like, “yes, be the man, guide me through life, i m your little princess” kind of attitude, feels like my personal power of character that i have inside is just piling up while i fake to be nice and vunerable for the sake of femininity. can’t we just accept that women today are not necessarily submissive and without initiative, like they were once expected to be? not all of us are like that. can men accept that? most of the time i just feel like i m in between like one historical phase is over for the women but the transformation is not over yet, so we don’t know what to do or how to be our strong assertive successful self without scaring away or disgusting men?

  5. 25

    I can understand both sides of these comments. Speaking in generalities, I think woman today either enjoy creating drama and conflict or are so accustomed to it that they don’t understand when it happens.  

    If it isn’t a big deal, say ‘yes.’ Life is so much more enjoyable when you can easily go with the flow instead of trying to re-direct it every step of the way.  

    However, this post did make me uncomfortable, but for a different reason.  In the interest of full disclosure, I should explain that I was married for 17 years and said “yes” 90% of the time. Growing up with an alcoholic father I learned never to stand up to a male adult.

    Similar to Goldie’s situation, my ex’s contribution to our marriage was a paycheck. He never cooked, never shopped for groceries, never did the wash. I handled all aspects of our lives (kids, money, taxes, home remodeling, etc). He never met our pediatrician or signed a tax return until after our divorce. Anytime I wanted him to help out, I felt like I was inconveniencing him. He also had a temper so I always backed down quickly.

    Would you believe that in 17 years of marriage, he never once took me out for my birthday or cooked me dinner? However, I allowed all of this to happen.  It took me many years to work through my own issues and realize that I wasn’t lucky to be married to him. That, in fact, the relationship was emotionally toxic for me.

    So, does this mean that Evan’s advice is wrong? No. It means that I’ve grown enough in my own confidence to know where to draw the line. I understand and agree that saying ‘yes’ when it’s no big deal is almost always the best response. There are exceptions to this rule, but that’s not what this post is referencing. In a normal, healthy relationship, this advice is golden. And I believe the advice should be applied equal to both parties: male and female.

  6. 26

    I agree with Evan actually.   When you’re in a relationship and you can say yes most of the time, that’s really great, particularly when it’s reciprocated, and particularly, when he knows that you’re making a sacrifice.
    Then a real “No” heartfelt, even at work, will be heard very loudly.
    Generally, I say yes to most things.   When I refuse, like I said, the “No” is heard at higher volume than if you had shouted it.

  7. 27

    I think this advice only works if you’re with a nice and considerate person. unfortunately most men are not nice, considerate, goodlooking, have a job and wants a committed relationship with a woman (neither my brother or my dad was nor was was 70% of the men in my high school or pharmacy class). most men tend to be more on the selfish side

    1. 27.1

      There are plenty of nice, considerate, employed men who want relationships. I think you’re painting the men you know with a negative brush – 70%? Really?

      No, most men do not tend to be selfish, but if that’s what you think, that’s exactly what you’ll find. As long as you believe that, a good relationship will elude you… in fact, good men will run from you because they can sense that attitude a mile away. Time to heal those childhood wounds.

  8. 28

    i think this is more of a pick your battles thing.   On 90% of things I’m a yes person they are either things that I could care less about or are not worth me arguing on.   So I don’t.   I am very agreeable.   In my younger years I likely was not.   My adjustment has nothing to do with men though mostly just the realization that comes with age that some things just are not worth it.   However the 10% that do matter really matter and I will dig my heels in on these issues and because I am so easy going I expect my partner to bend a bit on the things that matter to me.   They usually don’t so I’m not quite sure if your theory works.   I think men in general tend to be more selfish creatures and if you give them an inch they take a yard.   I’m not sure it is their fault I think it’s nature.    If it helps so you don’t think my 10% is unreasonable one of my thinks is being on time.   Once in awhile is fine but I have no tolerance for habitual lateness.    I think both parties should take the pick your battles advice.   The way you write this you seem to be encouraging women to be the cool girl as memorialized in gone girl by Gillian Flynn and that’s not going to happen with thus reader!

    1. 28.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I am encouraging women to be the cool girl because it’s effective. “Cool” means you accept him as he is and don’t constantly try to change him – no more than you’d want him to try and change you.

      By the way, if I were coaching men, I’d tell them to be better listeners, emotionally available, consistent and generous. That’s the equivalent of being “the cool girl”. I’m sure you don’t object to it.

  9. 29

    I agree I think both parties should be cool about things and agreeable.   And but if you have not seen or read Gone Girl not sure if you got what I mean so I am going to post it below so you know what I mean.   Not saying you are saying this, but many men are looking for this and excuse the crude language it is not mine and I don’t speak like that.    You can remove it or edit it if need be.    It is one of my favorite passages and it really says a lot about dating in my opinion.

    “Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men — friends, coworkers, strangers — giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much — no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version — maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”  ”


    1. 29.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Cool DOES mean understanding, accepting, and not getting angry. It has nothing to do with liking chili dogs or being shit upon.

      I married a Cool Girl. Most of my friends did, too. Your anger – and Gillian Flynn’s character’s anger – towards this concept is based on two false assumptions:

      1. There is no woman who is actually cool and basically accepting of her man’s flaws.
      2. The man in question exploits and steamrolls the cool girl. Your implication is that the cool girl is pretending to keep the peace. Bad idea, and certainly not my idea. All I’m saying is that there are cool girls and they make for incredible partners for obvious reasons – low drama, lots of fun, nurturing and support, and not a constant barrage of criticism.

    2. 29.2

      Being cool doesn’t mean you have to accept what you don’t want to do, or change yourself. It just means you’re relaxed and they can be themselves.

      Setting boundaries is a good skill to learn. Also a great test to see if they are controlling. For example if you tell a guy “no” and he throws a fit, maybe he’s not someone you should date. I think learning how to set boundaries regarding being the “cool” chick   is relevant because you are staying true to yourself and you don’t have to hurt yourself just to keep a guy around.

  10. 30

    This is so true in many relationships. I have a male roommate and I let him do what he needs even though i think it’s stupid. I just moved 20 old t-shirts into a different cupboard in the kitchen. He keeps them to cut up for rags. Lol

    I do wish i had this wisdom when dating a single dad. He is so incredibly busy with his kids and his business he doesn’t have a lot of time, and selfish me, kept thinking he was just booty calling me so I rejected too many invitations. But it’s what he had to offer! He actually showed me how selfish i was in general about love. Love is about acceptance and what you can bring to the table, not about ME. I was so stuck on that, the idea that he had to fit exactly into my relationship bread mold. I keep trying to get him back and I’m just being loving and kind. That works! I do that now with friends and my roommates. And if they’re good people, they start to return it!

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