Why Can’t Men Refrain from Looking at Photos of Sexy Women and Fantasizing?

woman getting angry with her man who is watching porn
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I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I understand the whole cavemen instinct, but what I don’t understand is the adult choice to refrain or give in to temptation.  I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.  I have asked my boyfriend of 3 and a half years: if I got off on another man while having sex with him would it bother him. I’ve also asked him whether looking at sexy photos of other men and fantasizing about those other men, would bother him and he said yes it would to both questions.  I wonder why it bothers men when women do it but they feel quite justified to do it themselves with little or no conscience?    Being devoted to a person is a choice. The level of that devotion is variable and sometimes unacceptable.

I am completely devoted to my boyfriend, but he occasionally looks at pictures of other women and of course I know that he gets off on those other women. Yet he proclaims to be 100% devoted to me and tells me often how much he loves me and holds me tight like he really does love me.  When I know that he’s been looking at pictures of other women I just feel like I’ve been betrayed and his “love” is just a lie – how can he love me if he is being mentally unfaithful?  When I know he’s been getting off on other women I feel like I’m not worth his interest, like I’m not good enough. There is no way in the world I can compete physically with those women in the pictures he gets off on.  I am quite desperate to get my head around exactly what it is the drives a man to give into the same desires that I myself deliberately avoid for the sake of devotion.  Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman??

There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate. I do not turn to pictures of other sexier men and fantasize I’m having sex with them nor do I go out and find a man who will satisfy me.  Every time men go ‘window shopping’ then look at their real-life partner – gee what an absolute letdown that must be.  I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men and I will start thinking of other men when I’m having sex with my partner. So, to avoid that I choose not to look if I notice  someone sexy when I’m out. I look away and I think of my boyfriend deliberately after, to bring my focus back in to the man I love.What is so hard about doing that? It’s simply comes down to a choice.  From a man’s point of view, how unrealistic is it of me to expect the same level of fidelity and devotion?

Thank you,

Bel

Dear Bel,

I appreciate your long, thoughtful email outlining your feelings. Since it’s clear that you and I are working off two completely different definitions of infidelity, I hope you can appreciate my attempt to engage with your question. Unless I can bridge our gap, I’m afraid my reply will remain unsatisfying, since it challenges rather than validates your original assertion. Let’s start with a quote from you:

“I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.”

There are two premises in here that I’d like to challenge:

a) That it is okay for men to look at women but hurtful for women to look at men.

Maybe that’s what your boyfriend thinks, but I’ve never said that, nor have I implied that. Thus, your question essentially asks me to defend something I don’t believe — that there should be double standards for men and women. There should not.

Last month, I went to the Father/Daughter dance at my daughter’s elementary school. I couldn’t help but to objectively observe that there were a LOT of REALLY cute, well-dressed men at the event. My wife — who was selling tickets up front — wholeheartedly agreed.

If she had brought the same thing up first, should I have been upset? I don’t think so. My wife has eyes. It was notable how many hot guys were in attendance. We have been happily married for 10 years and we were going home together. Why would I get bent out of shape at that?

Now, you may think this isn’t a very telling example, but it is.

In a healthy relationship with two secure adults, instances like this don’t register. When my wife tells me a story of sleeping with some guy in France in her 30’s, it doesn’t register. When she tells me she got hit on by a younger man at a bachelorette party, it doesn’t register. I know there have been other men in the past. I know there are other men who are more visually appealing (taller, younger, fitter, etc) wherever we go.

But I’m the guy she married. I already won.

So why would I spend any time driving myself crazy because my wife still finds other men attractive and is flattered when they find her attractive?

b)   You call looking at someone else of the opposite sex “mentally unfaithful.”

Well, if that’s your working definition, it’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It also seems you’ve conflated a lot of things, which have to all be dealt with separately. Here’s a short list of different forms of behaviors that may trigger you and my brief reaction to each:

  • Glancing at another person — no big deal
  • Staring at another person — crude and insensitive, but not cheating
  • Hitting on another person – never
  • Imagining another person else while having sex — no big deal
  • Getting off to the image of another person while having sex — no big deal
  • Looking at sexy photos of another person — no big deal
  • Masturbating at sexy videos of another person — no big deal, in moderation
  • Taking action to meet another person in real life – never

I know I’m not the final arbiter of such things, but since this is my blog and at the top of the page it says “Understand Men. Find Love,” I’m going to suggest that many men see things like I do.

And if you bristle because your definitions are different than mine, that’s okay; my fear is that you’re going to undermine a great relationship with your boyfriend if you don’t come a little closer to my way of thinking.

He DOES love you. He IS devoted to you. He is not running off with a Kardashian or a porn star or a cute girl at the grocery store.

All of your feelings around this, Bel, are just that: feelings. They’re not facts. Nor do they outweigh your boyfriend’s opinions. If anything, they indicate a highly fearful worldview that is not based on most men’s realities — we can look at EVERYTHING, and it still means NOTHING. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t be more subtle or respectful, but based on your tone, it sounds like any minor transgression is somehow an attack on you and your partnership.

In your opinion, your boyfriend looking at photos is a “betrayal,” which means he thinks his own girlfriend is “not good enough,” which makes his love for you a “lie.”

In reality, NONE of this is true.

So when you ask “Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman?” you are imputing some serious value judgment on men.

First of all, he IS focused on you. You’re his girlfriend and the most important person in his life.

Next, you’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive, nor should he acknowledge the objective truth that other women are attractive.

You’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive.

In other words, you’re asking him to lie to you.

You said it yourself. You admitted you find other men sexy, which means it should be normal for him to find other women sexy.

The only difference is that you’ve taken the extraordinary step of looking away from sexy men to bring your focus back to the man you love and you expect that if he loved you, he’d do the same.

That’s wonderful and thoughtful, but don’t you think that’s a bit…extreme?

“If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men.”

Really? Do you lack such self-control that you can’t admire a cute guy on the street and not want to throw your entire relationship away to pursue sex with a stranger?

Funny, I see attractive women every day and it never occurs to me that I’d be happier with anyone other than my wife. Hmm…maybe there’s more to a relationship than just attraction.

Anyway, my dear Bel, I know you feel very deeply about this issue, but all I can do is point out that you can only change your behavior. You can’t change the behavior of your partner, nor an entire gender.

Which is why the most effective thing you can do is to believe your boyfriend when he says he loves you and try to get over your belief that “looks at women = infidelity.”

Right now, your insecurity is running the show. Here’s Exhibit A:

I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.”

No one said you were ugly. No one is asking you to Photoshop yourself. No one is intentionally hurting your self-esteem. You’re throwing this at your boyfriend’s feet, but it’s ultimately YOU who decides how to feel about yourself.

If you’re insecure, every single perceived slight will cause a crippling blow to your ego and a crisis of confidence in your relationship.

If you’re secure, his glancing at women and looking at porn occasionally is a non-issue. Not an insult. Not an attack. Not a sign he’s not attracted to you. And certainly not cheating.

So what’s it gonna be, Bel?

Are you going to double down on making your devoted boyfriend of 3 years “wrong”?

Are you going to continue to doubt his character and make him feel guilty for being normal?

Are you going to continue to associate benign behavior with infidelity and a lack of devotion?

If so, that’s your prerogative, but you’re basically policing his thoughts and punishing him for a crime (infidelity) that he didn’t actually commit.

Believe me when I tell you that good men can be devoted and find other women pretty.

Believe me when I tell you that looking (not leering, not acting out with a real-life person) is not the equivalent of cheating.

Believe me when I tell you that this insecurity of yours will sabotage your relationship.

Once you let go of these damaging beliefs, you can finally relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Hold onto these beliefs and you know exactly how things are going to end.

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    anon

    is it fair to say that MOST men in relationships look at hot pictures of women? social media has made this so easy but i also wonder if there’s someone out there who wouldn’t. even though i have good self-esteem (normal occasional highs and lows), these models bodies are so unrealistic and it just makes me feel gross. i haven’t asked my partner to stop looking bc i don’t want him to (i know i wouldn’t if i were asked to stop looking at something i enjoyed)

  2. 22
    Quaan

    It one thing to encounter an attractive individual in your present yet to seek them out is a totally different look. Get it.

  3. 23
    Ally

    It’s really pretty simple . A man should give the same amount of attention to other women that he is comfortable with his gf receiving from other men .
    Far too often I see men who ogle every female they see , like ever model online yet of one man dares to check out or like ‘thier ‘ gf pics they lose it . It’s eztremely hypocritical for a guy to sit looking at and jerking off to random nudes then complain of his gf wants to put up her own nude pics for other guys to look at if that’s what she feels comfortable with
    Some guys try to compare it with saying oh I look at girls so you can look at guys but it’s a well known fact that for many women looking at naked men is not hot , hence the fact there is loads more internet naked women and stuff for men than for women and men are the main consumer . Men like to look and desire and women like to FEEL desired . So fellas. , if you want to make excuses for your desiring other women then be prepared to accept that your gf needs to get her needs met too and may need to feel desired by other men . Whether that is by dressing a little provacative, posting pics or whatever . And just like the guys say with their porn , ‘ it’s all good honey cause their no touching and the guys are just looking 😉

  4. 24
    Remi

    Women are objectified in this society. Men get off on images of other women and some think that’s perfectly normal. I believe there are differences in people and how they approach their sexuality. Men are visually oriented to a greater extent than women are, but I’ve certainly been attracted to younger men with firm bodies and pursued that interest. If men can master bate over tits and ass because it’s ‘ biologically driven, I should be able to walk into a bar of straight male servers who can satisfy the female propensity to have more interaction, and men should accept it and have nothing more to say
    It’s biologically driven, right? A man using my body like a
    Sex doll
    Is acceptable? To whom? You? Doesn’t sound like someone that holds that opinion has much depth. Looking at men in magazines Orin porn doesn’t turn a lot of women on. Interacting with men does. Let’s change the rules, guys. Go ahead a whack off to anyone you’d like, and understand your woman when she needs stimulation according to what’s appealing to her. Misogyny has become a front and center issue. Women needs to have a venue that feeds their sexual appetite. While I have had many gay friends, going to a women’s club that features gay men stripping for women feels more like rejection than stimulation.

  5. 25
    jp

    The picture you show is a man looking at a computer and I assume that he is supposed to be next to him is upset. I think under those circumstances she has a right to be. Why do men, make the choice, to look at other women online right in front of their girlfriends. I understand a man seeing a woman as he is going through the day and finding her attractive. I find men attractive throughout the day but this is different than him seeking out looking at scantily clad or naked attractive women when he is right next to his girlfriend.

    You have told us what we are supposed to know about men but why wouldn’t they think this action would be negative for women to see.

    Let’s change this conversation to what men think is important “respect”. How would he like it if Looking at better homes than he can provide, better cars talking about other men who have more than him and have made more of themselves but still telling him that you love him that it means nothing but you just like to look at more than he can offer? I think you have told us, women, that this behavior would be insulting and hurt a man’s ego. He might feel he can’t provide as well as another man. Women have egos as well and don’t need to be made to feel bad. Having a man look at other women on the computer while you are next to him is not the way men are, it is that they have allowed to get away with this disrespectful behavior.

    If a man loves the women he is with than he would try to be more discrete about looking. Discretion is the key to not hurting someone.

    1. 25.1
      Marie

      Agree…. Change the topic, staying with the same circumstances. The out come is different. Your man the provider would feel terrible that what he provided for you was not good enough for you. And he probably work harder to change the outcome.
      and as women that have been abused in this way we do work harder we buy nicer clothes we do our hair differently we bend over backwards the outcome does not change. He still will meet his needs while full face lying to you that he changed… You love him so you’ll believe him..

  6. 26
    Val

    Watching porn is a sin. Sinful choices and behaviors are unattractive. Choosing to watch porn is like choosing to do drugs repeatedly until you eff up your brain so bad that you don’t even know what’s right from wrong anymore. THEN people choose to make excuses as to why this wrong act is okay because “everyone does it” lol. That’s the most ignorant thing I hear people say all the time. I think people should start to make the right choices for themselves and choose to live with the classes an not with the masses.

    1. 26.1
      Anya

      So true and sad that only a small percentage of humans are different from the rest. We live in a world where narcissists have power over people and people are too blind to see the truth. They are all controlled by such stupid things I want nothing to do with their world so it doesn’t exist in mine. I could care less what a person’s ass looks like it’s the stupidest thing if you think about it.

  7. 27
    Anya

    Never stoop to this shallow level of thinking. Men and women both lust over the way other people look. I see this as very shallow and weak that another person who you know nothing about can have such power over you. A highly evolved and conscious human looks to who a person is and not how they look. Women and men who flaunt themselves do so for attention which is a narcissistic trait. They feed off of others getting off on them. These so called beings drain the energy from their lustful victims and lower their energy and vibration. It’s the same as a women who only goes after men for their money. You seem like a very intelligent highly sensitive and evolved woman. Know this…you are better than all those girls who need attention and the men who give it to them. You are better off with a mature and conscious man. Not all men look at other women but most do and most women are gold diggers. They are all the same low energy vampires who fall into lust which is quite the opposite of love and I feel sad for them because they don’t understand this on a deeper level. Fake tans fake boobs fake makeup…its a fake world full of fake people who are brain dead and don’t even realize what they are doing. If you leave your bf he will probably lust over you too. Men want what they dont have. Cancel a few dates and do other things to make you happy and he’ll come to his senses or if not find someone a little more concious and mature. Your obviously worth way more than any of these energy vampires. The author or whoever responded in the post above isn’t a conscious person and basically just like the rest them. Be strong and fearless..you can change this world simply by not falling victim to lust or engaging in the stupidity of others. Let it go and know you are truly so much better and blessed to e different.

    1. 27.1
      Kylie

      I adore you thoughts on this Anya! You are completely right! Great way to explain!!!

  8. 28
    LIsa

    I think there is a big difference between looking at another person and finding them attractive and fantasizing about another person while having sex with your spouse. Maybe some women and men are okay with their partner fantasizing about others while having sex with them, but I would render a guess that most are not. Using porn to fantasize when your partner is not available is one thing, but it can for sure get out of control and start to effect their sex lives. If your partner is willing and able to have sex, and you are looking at porn instead, or you are looking at porn which in turn diminishes your drive to have sex with your partner that is a problem. While there are many men that can view porn and not have any issues, there are many that do. Long term partners can never compete with porn even if they tried, even if they were just as hot as the women on the screen, they cannot compete with the variety and yes for some men it makes them less attracted to their partners, read your brain on porn. I think for far too long we have lived under the belief that this is just what men do, it’s acceptable they need variety, deal with it. Or that all men look at porn put up with it and that is changing. I don’t think this writer is concerned about him looking at other women, recognizing beauty and sexiness, its’ about him fantasizing about other women. And while I agree that you don’t ascribe to the double standard I think more men than not would have a huge issue if their wives fantasized about other men in the same way they do about other women.I get the feeling that she may be being turned down for sex. “There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate.” So it does make her feel insecure in that sense. Bottom line is this, if she’s not comfortable with it, then she’s not. No one else can tell her that she should be. I know you mention that she should not throw away a good relationship over this, but it’s not a good relationship for her if she’s not happy.

    1. 28.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Then she should leave as opposed to asking for advice. However, she asked for advice and I offered it.

      1. 28.1.1
        Lisa

        I actually felt like your advice as more along the lines of all men are like this at least to some extent so why ditch this otherwise great guy, when you will go out there and find more of the same, or worse? Rather than, you have a right to feel the way that you do, and if this bothers you as much as it does, then go out there and find another guy that is not like this and they are out there.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          My advice is for the masses. MOST men are like this. Google the percentage of self proclaimed Christians using porn: 68%. I’m sure my fellow heathens consume it even more. Me? Not so much anymore but I don’t judge. Feel free to cut off 85% of your dating pool because you feel this is a big deal. That’s still not going to be my advice.

          Put further, if I answered every question with “Do whatever you’ve been doing which caused you the pain to ask this question,” it would be a boring and useless read.

  9. 29
    Liki

    I have been struggling also with this ageless dilemma as to why men need to look at so many women even though they are in a relationship and telling their partner that they love them. And it is not one or two but hundreds and hundreds of women naked half naked different sizes different shapes, colors and age. Funny enough non of those women look like what i look.
    And the most crazy thing is that because i learned what he likes from seeing what he follows on Instagram and other sites and by catching him looking women at our working environment.
    So now even before he looks, I will know when he will look and who and i am getting pain in my gut and pinches in my heart because I cant stop it and because I can never look like those women.
    I know I look good and I am a type of woman who men want to spend the lives with because when I love it is strong and give 100% my self to my man. And also because I have seen how men looking at me, they looking the same way my man is looking other women.
    So there it is our partners looking and most probably desire other women but at the same time ladies when our men look at other women, other men are looking at us, aha the irony of it all.
    So like I was saying, I struggled to figure out what to do. I have been crying thinking I am not good enough why he is with me and why if he likes the women he looks at, then why he doesn’t go and stay single and go with a different woman every day every week.
    But the truth to be told, it is not him, he is after all an animal, that wants to spread his seed. They can not help them selves but most of them try really hard to go against nature and stay with the one they love and want to grow old with.
    Therefore, the best thing I can do is, to trust my partner and give him my love without conditions and what ever he will do or not do is up to him. In the end if a man decides to act on his impulses, desires and crushes then, that man doesn’t deserves me and I deserve better.
    For the moment I am learning how to focus on me and not spent me time observing who he looks and likes cause it is a waste of precious time my time, so I rather enjoy and stay the true me the Me that he loves the Me that he wants to grow old with.

  10. 30
    Stacey Campbell

    Your feelings are valid. It’s not ok for your man to think about other women when he has sex with you. It’s not ok for him to masturbate to images and videos of other women. If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel bad, then those feelings are valid. If you tell him how you feel and ask him to stop doing those things, then he will stop if he loves you. There are more important things in this life than sex, and men need to learn that. Their whole lives revolve around sex and they expect us to be ok with that. You don’t have to be. They just tell us this crap, that it’s ok for them to do this kind of stuff, that all men do it, to justify their own actions and feel ok about it.

  11. 31
    Mary

    I don’t have a problem with my boyfriend seeing beauty or sexy when it’s there. He is a healthy male. What I object to is being told that he finds a woman beautiful or sexy, or he makes comments to me when he comments to me about what he sees. I’m attractive and I find men checking me out as I walk past them. But out of respect to my boyfriend I never comment on that. Nor do I make comments to him about men that I find to be attractive and sexy. I just he had respect and consideration of my feelings for me and our relationship by not making comments to me about other women and their body plans. By the way, I decided today that I will no longer subject myself to his behavior and have walked out of the relationship

  12. 32
    Rebecca

    I have a huge problem with this “article” and Evan’s horrible advice. In what world is it okay to fantasize about someone else when you’re in bed with your partner? Just no! Young girls might stumble upon this and tell themselves they’re crazy thanks to the insane line (*lie) of “boys will be boys.” NO. Why don’t you just try respecting women instead. You aren’t an animal, you CAN control it, BUT your constitution is so weak that you’ll apparently implode if you can’t gratify your penis with hot women? Like how sad is that and how un-evolved men are, no wonder women are displacing them. Realize all the societal pressures put on women. And then do better. And if you MUST look at these tawdry pictures and porn and insta models, at least have the decency to hide it and be embarrassed if caught. This kind of rhetoric is making it seem normal and it only is because men run the world. Not for long boys. It’s fine to fantasize about others while in bed with a partner?!? What a lie!!! What will you men tell yourselves next to justify your nasty behavior.

  13. 33
    Julia

    Evan Marc Katz..can you please try to understand that it is incredibly hard for a women to feel attractive & desired when they know the men they are in love with are turning their attention to lusting after other often more beautiful women. My partner said to me recently ‘these women are beautiful unattainable women..then there are your ‘average’ women for which you in my opinion are the best’ how on Earth is that supposed to make me feel? Seriously! God almighty it’s little wonder women feel insecure.

    Two points to mention; if a women does voice her feelings & concerns I wish people would stop comparing that to the ‘thought police’ she has every right to question these concerns & secondly if this discussion was primarily about women lusting after other men.. I can assure you a lot f men would feel worthless & unattractive.. I should know my ex used to put a pillow over my head when he got jealous.

    It’s easy to discuss this when you are not at the receiving end…

    The bottom line is men should just be more respectful to women.. as I said before we’ve moved on from the Victorian era..fed up with all these excuses & putting women down because they have lost their sense of worth…

  14. 34
    Dianne

    So, I had this argument over and over again, been lied to about the activities on social media. Bottom line, it is very insulting to me when I do my best to take of myself and him. There is nothing more demeaning while I am running around cooking, doing laundry, cleaning the house and your partner is looking at other woman. I guess maybe too much time on his hands, I don’t know? I basically said, “Maybe I will do some posts myself, how would you feel about other men getting off to my pics? No, I really wouldn’t do it but I could, I can learn Photoshop really quick. I don’t want to contribute to the problem that exists and besides, I don’t need “likes” to boost my self esteem. I gave him something to think about. The pics on Instagram don’t take care of him, I do. It seems the time wasted on viewing other woman could be better well spent in our relationship.

  15. 35
    Drey

    I’m so sick of people telling me how I should feel…Insecure and immature. The fact that your name calling makes you exactly that. Maybe you’re ok with it because you’re insecure and don’t think you’re enough for your so..or maybe you don’t care cause you find sex to be a. chore and at least you don’t have to [email protected] him tonight. Why can’t people feel differently about these things? You say I’m square or closed minded because I’m literally in pain if my husband looks at porn? I’m not the one telling you how to feel..I could care less what other people do..enjoy all the porn you want…it’s been something I view as incredibly painful and destructive in my life and relationship..stop assuming everyone is you and show a little understanding..maybe open your mind?

  16. 36
    Aimee

    I totally agree with you Bel and feel exactly the same way. It’s hurtful and painful knowing he finds someone else attractive. Especially with social media where everyone is perfect, I know I can’t compete with that. So yes I agree with you Bel and not to be rude but this is a typical male response because it clearly doesn’t affect them like it does us. I’m not saying all men and all women are the same however, just to clarify but from my personal experience I feel what you are saying deeply.

  17. 37
    Jess

    Honestly, I think Insecurity is a indication that you really love and care for that person. You naturally place them at this alter of expectation because you want to trust them with all your heart…that’s a scary thing sometimes…we as females are vulnerable and sensitive to the emotional side of things but men are physical by nature as well. We are designed like this for a reason. I know this is such a different perspective but I find women’s bodies beautiful and I myself am attracted to women. I just don’t swing that way. I find men attractive, I think it’s normal to be aroused or attracted to people. I love to dress up in cute provocative pieces for my boyfriend because that stimulates him….I take cute/sexy pictures and send them to him at work or randomly when he is away….I know he is stimulated by those thoughts and visuals…sex is literally always on the human mind even for me as a woman…of course I see attracted men and women….I’m a sexual person and that’s natural for me….I do respect boundaries and I am traditional with how I am in relationships, we have duality in thought processes…mentally we look at two photos. One being a head shot and the other being a full body shot. We determine how that photos makes us process our perception of it. One makes us “think” and “analyze”and the other makes us “feel” and “experience”. We operate through thinking and feeling….we have creature comforts….we also operate through logical and theoretical…you want him to desire you more….it’s what women want… why do you think we see half naked women all the time? It’s satisfying to be desired…just as much as the men desire to be with beautiful people….you just need to channel this perception and energy towards something that distracts him to give you that attention! Light the fire of passion and desire in him girl!

  18. 38
    Jess

    Your responsible for your own happiness. Don’t focus on what he is or isn’t doing for you. Focus on what you can do for him..relationships are give/give…we can’t change what actions are done but how we respond to them…when you focus on the right perspective, you won’t feel like he is hurting you…you feeling hurt is because your trying to guard yourself. If you let down those walls of insecurities and just focus on giving towards the relationship instead of picking at it you’ll develop self esteem and confidence

  19. 39
    [email protected]

    You completely walked around bels question!!!!! She’s upset that he has orgasms to thoughts of sax with other women!!! Yes that’s cheating mentally! IT IS NOT ALRIGHT. He’s basically having sex with another woman!!!!! She’s got every right to be hurt! AYes it is a form of cheating!!!!!!

  20. 40
    Adriana

    Thank you so much for putting things into perspective for me. I really needed to hear this from a make point of view and it makes perfect sense. I struggle with many of the same things and have some insecurities. When my husband constantly enjoys looking at photos of other women I do feel like he secretly wishes I looked like them. After reading this I realize that is not the case. Not easy to accept for me but I have a better understanding now.

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