Why Can’t Men Refrain from Looking at Photos of Sexy Women and Fantasizing?

woman getting angry with her man who is watching porn
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I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I understand the whole cavemen instinct, but what I don’t understand is the adult choice to refrain or give in to temptation.  I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.  I have asked my boyfriend of 3 and a half years: if I got off on another man while having sex with him would it bother him. I’ve also asked him whether looking at sexy photos of other men and fantasizing about those other men, would bother him and he said yes it would to both questions.  I wonder why it bothers men when women do it but they feel quite justified to do it themselves with little or no conscience?    Being devoted to a person is a choice. The level of that devotion is variable and sometimes unacceptable.

I am completely devoted to my boyfriend, but he occasionally looks at pictures of other women and of course I know that he gets off on those other women. Yet he proclaims to be 100% devoted to me and tells me often how much he loves me and holds me tight like he really does love me.  When I know that he’s been looking at pictures of other women I just feel like I’ve been betrayed and his “love” is just a lie – how can he love me if he is being mentally unfaithful?  When I know he’s been getting off on other women I feel like I’m not worth his interest, like I’m not good enough. There is no way in the world I can compete physically with those women in the pictures he gets off on.  I am quite desperate to get my head around exactly what it is the drives a man to give into the same desires that I myself deliberately avoid for the sake of devotion.  Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman??

There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate. I do not turn to pictures of other sexier men and fantasize I’m having sex with them nor do I go out and find a man who will satisfy me.  Every time men go ‘window shopping’ then look at their real-life partner – gee what an absolute letdown that must be.  I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men and I will start thinking of other men when I’m having sex with my partner. So, to avoid that I choose not to look if I notice  someone sexy when I’m out. I look away and I think of my boyfriend deliberately after, to bring my focus back in to the man I love.What is so hard about doing that? It’s simply comes down to a choice.  From a man’s point of view, how unrealistic is it of me to expect the same level of fidelity and devotion?

Thank you,

Bel

Dear Bel,

I appreciate your long, thoughtful email outlining your feelings. Since it’s clear that you and I are working off two completely different definitions of infidelity, I hope you can appreciate my attempt to engage with your question. Unless I can bridge our gap, I’m afraid my reply will remain unsatisfying, since it challenges rather than validates your original assertion. Let’s start with a quote from you:

“I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.”

There are two premises in here that I’d like to challenge:

a) That it is okay for men to look at women but hurtful for women to look at men.

Maybe that’s what your boyfriend thinks, but I’ve never said that, nor have I implied that. Thus, your question essentially asks me to defend something I don’t believe — that there should be double standards for men and women. There should not.

Last month, I went to the Father/Daughter dance at my daughter’s elementary school. I couldn’t help but to objectively observe that there were a LOT of REALLY cute, well-dressed men at the event. My wife — who was selling tickets up front — wholeheartedly agreed.

If she had brought the same thing up first, should I have been upset? I don’t think so. My wife has eyes. It was notable how many hot guys were in attendance. We have been happily married for 10 years and we were going home together. Why would I get bent out of shape at that?

Now, you may think this isn’t a very telling example, but it is.

In a healthy relationship with two secure adults, instances like this don’t register. When my wife tells me a story of sleeping with some guy in France in her 30’s, it doesn’t register. When she tells me she got hit on by a younger man at a bachelorette party, it doesn’t register. I know there have been other men in the past. I know there are other men who are more visually appealing (taller, younger, fitter, etc) wherever we go.

But I’m the guy she married. I already won.

So why would I spend any time driving myself crazy because my wife still finds other men attractive and is flattered when they find her attractive?

b)   You call looking at someone else of the opposite sex “mentally unfaithful.”

Well, if that’s your working definition, it’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It’s going to be next to impossible for me to convince you that looking at attractive people is both normal and benign.

It also seems you’ve conflated a lot of things, which have to all be dealt with separately. Here’s a short list of different forms of behaviors that may trigger you and my brief reaction to each:

  • Glancing at another person — no big deal
  • Staring at another person — crude and insensitive, but not cheating
  • Hitting on another person – never
  • Imagining another person else while having sex — no big deal
  • Getting off to the image of another person while having sex — no big deal
  • Looking at sexy photos of another person — no big deal
  • Masturbating at sexy videos of another person — no big deal, in moderation
  • Taking action to meet another person in real life – never

I know I’m not the final arbiter of such things, but since this is my blog and at the top of the page it says “Understand Men. Find Love,” I’m going to suggest that many men see things like I do.

And if you bristle because your definitions are different than mine, that’s okay; my fear is that you’re going to undermine a great relationship with your boyfriend if you don’t come a little closer to my way of thinking.

He DOES love you. He IS devoted to you. He is not running off with a Kardashian or a porn star or a cute girl at the grocery store.

All of your feelings around this, Bel, are just that: feelings. They’re not facts. Nor do they outweigh your boyfriend’s opinions. If anything, they indicate a highly fearful worldview that is not based on most men’s realities — we can look at EVERYTHING, and it still means NOTHING. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t be more subtle or respectful, but based on your tone, it sounds like any minor transgression is somehow an attack on you and your partnership.

In your opinion, your boyfriend looking at photos is a “betrayal,” which means he thinks his own girlfriend is “not good enough,” which makes his love for you a “lie.”

In reality, NONE of this is true.

So when you ask “Why do men (generally) make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman?” you are imputing some serious value judgment on men.

First of all, he IS focused on you. You’re his girlfriend and the most important person in his life.

Next, you’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive, nor should he acknowledge the objective truth that other women are attractive.

You’re falsely assuming that if a man’s dating you, he should find no other woman attractive.

In other words, you’re asking him to lie to you.

You said it yourself. You admitted you find other men sexy, which means it should be normal for him to find other women sexy.

The only difference is that you’ve taken the extraordinary step of looking away from sexy men to bring your focus back to the man you love and you expect that if he loved you, he’d do the same.

That’s wonderful and thoughtful, but don’t you think that’s a bit…extreme?

“If I let myself do what he occasionally does, I know damn well I will start wanting to be with other men.”

Really? Do you lack such self-control that you can’t admire a cute guy on the street and not want to throw your entire relationship away to pursue sex with a stranger?

Funny, I see attractive women every day and it never occurs to me that I’d be happier with anyone other than my wife. Hmm…maybe there’s more to a relationship than just attraction.

Anyway, my dear Bel, I know you feel very deeply about this issue, but all I can do is point out that you can only change your behavior. You can’t change the behavior of your partner, nor an entire gender.

Which is why the most effective thing you can do is to believe your boyfriend when he says he loves you and try to get over your belief that “looks at women = infidelity.”

Right now, your insecurity is running the show. Here’s Exhibit A:

I can’t Photoshop myself to match what my partner looks at.  I am not ugly, I have a reasonable body yet each time I know he’s been doing it, I do feel incredibly ugly and it is a massive blow to my self-esteem.”

No one said you were ugly. No one is asking you to Photoshop yourself. No one is intentionally hurting your self-esteem. You’re throwing this at your boyfriend’s feet, but it’s ultimately YOU who decides how to feel about yourself.

If you’re insecure, every single perceived slight will cause a crippling blow to your ego and a crisis of confidence in your relationship.

If you’re secure, his glancing at women and looking at porn occasionally is a non-issue. Not an insult. Not an attack. Not a sign he’s not attracted to you. And certainly not cheating.

So what’s it gonna be, Bel?

Are you going to double down on making your devoted boyfriend of 3 years “wrong”?

Are you going to continue to doubt his character and make him feel guilty for being normal?

Are you going to continue to associate benign behavior with infidelity and a lack of devotion?

If so, that’s your prerogative, but you’re basically policing his thoughts and punishing him for a crime (infidelity) that he didn’t actually commit.

Believe me when I tell you that good men can be devoted and find other women pretty.

Believe me when I tell you that looking (not leering, not acting out with a real-life person) is not the equivalent of cheating.

Believe me when I tell you that this insecurity of yours will sabotage your relationship.

Once you let go of these damaging beliefs, you can finally relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Hold onto these beliefs and you know exactly how things are going to end.

 

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Comments:

  1. 41
    KA

    After reading through all of these comments, there is so much for me to agree, and disagree with…

    For it to be stated that it is “no big deal” for a man to fantasize about another woman during intimate sexual moments with his partner is (in my opinion) completely absurd. Sex is a physical and psychological connection between partners, whether it’s an episode of long-winded passionate lovemaking, or a quicky. Both partners should be 100% present in that moment with the other, or else what are you even doing?
    Is it normal to have to occasional fantasy about a Hollywood/supermodel crush? Oh, yes.
    Is it normal to have those conversations with friends about “man if I was single and the opportunity was there, I’d do so many things to _____”? Absolutely.
    How about noticing a pretty girl/handsome man passing by on the street or in a crowd? Yes. No argument, there.

    Where these normal tendencies take a turn towards hurtful/mentally unfaithful Avenue is when they become normal (or as many comments in this thread have insinuated it to be just basic male primal instinct) necessary. And it sounds like a lot of people (male and female alike) agree that where a lot of us draw the line, IS normal and necessary due to the male psychological makeup and hormone drive. And also, that those of us who have a thought process that sways towards the contrary belief, are immature and insecure either with ourselves, or in our relationships. Again, hmm.
    As for watching porn/looking at pictures…I know one, or the other, or both is going to happen on occasion. While I do not like it and do not agree with it, I personally put that out of my mind, so long as it does not become (wait for it) necessity or habitual; a normal everyday process, or something the person uses more than their partner. And especially for getting into the mood to lay with said partner. And when they start saving pictures or videos of other women to their device(s) WHETHER THEY ARE HALF NAKED OR NOT, unless they are family members or good friends and are for sheer memory sake, is absolutely wrong and it is hurtful. Why save pictures of other women to your phone? Celebrity, or random from Instagram/Facebook accounts – it doesn’t matter. Why can’t they just settle for following the accounts? Why save the pictures? What’s the point?
    The vibe I get from all of the comments saying “men have needs different than women” is that like others have also stated, is women need to basically sit down, shut up, and be the good little partner; keep our feelings to ourselves and learn to deal and accept. But let me explain something:
    Like other women have stated, I’m not stranger to being an animal in the sack. I love my husband and therefore I LOVE to please him. We play dirty in all sorts of ways and I very much enjoy giving him head. Ironically, my libido is way higher than his! I’ve told him many times that if I could have him every day, I’d take him every single day! So, it’s not like the opportunity isn’t there for him. Now, I know he loves me. I know he is devoted to me. He shows me this in many ways. But does that mean that things like this don’t deeply hurt my feelings, or make me feel like I’m second best to these women? No. Even though I know better than that nonsense, it hurts.
    You wanna talk about needs? What about women’s needs? Yes, we are more emotionally driven than men, but most men do still possess a certain level of emotional intelligence. Even when they have a woman who’s more than willing and capable of fulfilling whatever sexual desires they can throw out, it’s still “normal” for their minds to wander outside the relationship and use visual aid from someone other than their very willing spouse to fulfill sexual release? What is the excuse then?

    I’m with the others that stated the standards of this “agreement” women supposedly enter into when getting involved with a typical male are absolutely ridiculous. I mean, if both counterparts in the relationship are okay with each other participating in such behavior, then hey man…whatever floats your boat!!! But if both parties are not in agreement and at least one of them expresses their feelings on such matters, the other should care enough about this to not partake in such activities. OR you could even do what I have done and take professional boudoir photos as for their eye candy. Obviously, doing this has not managed to stop the saving of pictures….and as such, I am writing my current response on this subject. So tell me why the hell societal norm makes it okay for such a double f*****g standard. Try as we might, is women cannot win. We bend and fold to impress and satisfy the whims and desires and for what?? For them to still need outside stimuli!?!? I mean WTF!?! I willingly do all this s*** because I love it too, but it feels completely in vain.

    These are very valid feelings, fears and concerns for anyone and/or everyone. I’m pretty sure more than enough women have posted here with well more than enough different explanations to make our thoughts and feelings appear way more validated than initially accepted.

  2. 42
    Nicole

    I don’t think it’s black and white. I was married to a sex addict for 10 years. Sweet guy, never would have saw it coming. I was so confident in what we had that I didn’t mind him looking or watching porn however it can be a gateway to those that can’t control themselves from taking steps further to feel that excitement. He self confessed to 60 plus women in 10 years. He appears to be recovered and in a healthy relationship. After lots of therapy I too am in a healthy relationship with another very sweet man. He’s commented on occasion that he has made a choice not to go down that road of porn or pictures as I’ve has seen it destroy friends relationships. After over a year together I noticed he had a picture of a young girl on his phone which sent me looking for more information to which I found that he was following at least 30 VERY YOUNG girls on Insta. “Ingred from Germany” who’s barely 18 showing her nipples etc. Given my history with my ex husband I had to tell him that him following those pages made me uncomfortable and to be in a relationship with me I’d ask that he unfollow them. I’m not unreasonable to think I’m the only woman on the face of the earth but looking or glancing at a beautiful person is fine by me. Following super young girls as a 44 year old man is just icky in my book. Not to mention he has 3 daughters 2 of which are about the sane age as the girls he follows and pointed out that they too can see who he’s following. ‍♀️ My point being is if you’re in a committed relationship there should be open dialogue as to what you’re comfortable with and not comfortable with. Finding out that he’s attracted to such young girls was a red flag alert for me. He’s going to delete the pages as he sees fit and if he doesn’t I move on.

  3. 43
    Layla

    This is such a sexist response. The problem is society has normalized this to be behavior of a normal man. Women don’t engage in this behavior and men would get it if women did it to the scale men do. This behavior of men needs to change and is extremely offensive and insensitive to women. The only reason you think it’s normal is because society told you it is. It’s one thing to say someone is attractive. It’s quite another to be looking at peoples naked private parts causally constantly. It is cheating to a lot of women and most women, who don’t believe this have been brainwashed by their fellow women and men to believe its normal for men to do this and to not make a big deal out of it. Why is it so hard for men to not just be respectful to the woman they married and not look at x rated stuff of other women. Women do a lot to not be insensitive to a man and he can’t do the same in return? Half of these women have had so much plastic surgery – men most the time have not had nearly as much. Just like society tells men It’s ok to engage in this behavior, women are constantly because of society trying to live up impossible standards. It really affects women and to say it doesn’t is so ridiculously sexist. Porn affects marriage – there are even scientific studies about it. It’s disgusting that society has normalized half of this nonsense to begin with but to justify it and give the response you did is appalling. Does he still love his girlfriend, probably? Does he have an addiction and a disrespectful problem that society has normalized that is making the person he allegedly loves so upset and he won’t do anything about it? Yes. she has absolutely every right to feel the way she does to feel invalidated and not good enough and even frankly even the hottest Instagram model would be upset her boyfriend was doing this. Your response is ridiculously chavenustic. Honestly almost every no woman wants a man who looks at naked photos of a woman – women are objectified constantly by men and this has been normalized and propelled by society. What mother wants to say to her daughter – oh yeah your father when you were a child and even now objectifies women and looks at their asses and breasts all day. Women don’t objectify men nearly as much and frankly if we do we outgrow it maximum by our 30s if not 20s. Teenagers oogle over how hot and sexy other people are. You literally just completely ignored all of her very valid feelings – cheating comes in many forms and she is justified to feel the way she does. He is cheating on my terms and frankly a lot of other peoples terms as well. I guarantee it makes 99% of women uncomfortable it’s just that half choose to succumb to the notion of – oh that’s just the way men are. He still loves me, yet this behavior still violates them and hurts them.

  4. 44
    Magic

    I guess im just old fashioned…i believe if a man is in a relationship and he truly loves her, there wouldn’t be no porn or nude women to catch his eye. I think it makes a woman’s confidence drop knowing her man looks at other women and all that. The single life…more power to u. Swingers and all them…more power to u. Relationships and marriage…it should be the two of you mind, body and soul. I gotta say…the world these days is so fucked up its unreal. I know an old couple who have been together for 68 years and neither had “glances” or no shit like that. They were about each other, no porn, no nothing like that. Back in the old days when people actually had respect for the opposite sex and actually loved each other…her husband died a few years ago and she’s still faithful to this day. She’s 86 years old and I respect the hell outta her. Relationships aint the same these days, people are disrespectful shits and every one of them needs a good ol ass whoppin and some dam sense. Many may not agree with this, but everyone is entitled to there own opinion.

  5. 45
    Marsha

    Bottom line: your man is supposed to make you feel safe. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. As you grow old, there is no way to look young again, then what?? Hes going to be looking at 20 year olds when your in your 60’s?? Can you imagine how horrible that would feel to the wife?? Comon Evan, you can do better!!

    1. 45.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      If a couple has been married for 35 years and they’re really happy together…and hypothetically that same man finds himself turning his head at an attractive woman or masturbating occasionally to the image of a woman who is younger than his wife…are you saying that this invalidates their happy marriage and renders him a bad husband? I would, on the contrary, assume that in a happy marriage, the wife would understand everything I wrote above and not make a big deal about something that is neither insulting nor threatening to her.

  6. 46
    Lorraine

    I also really can not understand men. Divorced because my ex was a swinger and bi-sexual. Was with him for 23 horrible yrs. Even physical abuse.

    Now have a really amazing guy in my life BUT he is constanty looking at other woman and has contact with his escorts from the past. I have to consrantly see that his looking at other woman on the internet that are naked. I have an extremely good body. I gym 5 days a week and I am a very pretty lady. But it does feel that I can’t compete with the girls on the internet showing all their good. These woman are the ones that cause problems in marrages and really good relationships. THESE WOMAN ARE THE DEVILS IN THIS WORLD. MAYBE THEY SHOILD FALL IN LOVE WITH A GUY AND THEN THAT MAN MUST TO HER WHAT OUR MEN DO TO US AND ACTUALLY FEEL THE ALL THE HURT AND PAIN THAT WE HONEST GOOD WOMAN FEEL EVERY DAY. THEY ARE POISON. THEY ARE ONLY THERE FOR MONEY AND TO GET OFF OF MEN LOOKING AT THEM. I do everthing for my boyfriend. These WOMAN that the men drule about wont look after my man the way that I do.

    AND IF YOUR PARTNER KNOWS THAT YOU GET HURT BY THESE PHOTOS WHY DO THEY STILL CARRY ON WITH IT.

    WHY KEEP HURTING THE ONE YOU LOVE EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS AND BRAKES DOWN YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE???

  7. 47
    Lara

    Men only see things their way. They say it’s fine for them to look at other women naked, whether that’s in person at a strip club, in pics or live online. Women need to start deciding what they would like to do in the relationship or rather outside of it. We generally lack intimacy, romance, fun etc. We should maybe decide it’s fine for us to get that elsewhere as long as we don’t actually sleep with the person. Oh it’s fine to get naked and show your side guy your beautiful body though as men have decided that’s fine and perfectly healthy. There is nothing wrong with your side guy looking up your ginny while he rubs one out.

  8. 48
    Elisa

    For me too this topic is actual and i am still struggling to find my way out. I read all comments to try to understand this behaviour, this desperate need to scan and like these “hot” photos. I met my man few months ago and fell in love after quitting a twenty five years marriage after discovering unfaithfulness and betrayal. I fell in love with this very sweet man, capable of important thoughts and dialogue. He had no reserve in telling me that he had important stories as well as one night stands. He also said that he does like beauty and does look at all hot pictures all socials are flooded with, but does believe in a faithful couple. During the lockdown, I just happened casually to have a look at his facebook and noticed that he was posting hearts to the “hot” pictures of his female “friends”. I was annoyed and during our video chat I told him that I believe it is not fair (we lived in different cities at that time and could not meet for more than two months). He agreed to modify his behaviour, despite he believes that he was not doing anything harmful to me by appreciating beauty in this way. He stopped but I still had a bad feeling and so, I searched for his nick onto other socials and to my great surprise, I found him on IG where he was pretty busy liking and following all sorts of hotties. I was shocked but decided to think twice before bringing up the matter. I registered myself with a stupid nick to be able o view posts or followers. Needless to say I was obsessed with this and getting paranoid. He would text me several times a day, wake me up with a video call and we would spend the evening together on video chat, but I was still battling against this feeling. A month ago, I was at his place and I noticed that he was busy on this mobile with the typical beeps for liking on IG while he was taking his bath. He would usually ask me to stay with him but he didn’t on that occasion…he probably needed more privacy to deal with all the nudity which was kindly offered to him. I did fell like he had less attention for me when he was viewing this hot stuff…I definitely needed to help myself in some ways and to understand if I needed to quit before destroying myself again. The day after, on my way back home during my train journey, I decided to create a profile sharing common interests and started following him. I started chatting with him and after a few messages, he asked for my photo. I am a web designer and have access to licensed photos. He was quite impressed by this “woman” and could not help to compliment her for the beauty. I was angry, because I thought he would share anything with me as he does pretend. I kept on chatting through this profile even when we were chatting lovingly and could notice that he would reply to “her” promptly, keeping me on hold. I must admit that he always said to her that he was happily engaged with a beautiful and loving woman (me..) I was so annoyed by his paralel life on the social media that I decided to bring this friendship to a higher level and I texted him that in a few days time, I would be in his city with friends and would have loved to meet him personally. Initially, he wrote that it might not be possible as he was busy with work and he would have confirmed in the afternoon itself. I struggled a lot to be spontaneous during our chats but as I was undergoing a lot of problems with my job, I was able to hide behind this excuse and carry on. He never shared a word about this with me and therefore, I could believe that he would never miss a chance to meet someone if I am not with him…I “knew” that he wasn’t going to meet this woman for sex, but just for his ego. How could he say no to a beautiful nice woman who wants him??? I felt like he was doing this to feel empowered when desired by more women. I managed to get him to rush, get himself shaved and nicely dressed to go and meet “her”. I was busy at work, but waited patiently for his call…He told me he was going out to help his father (I already met his parents) and afterwards, he would have stopped at a friend of his, whom I met too and he would have video called me before going to bed. Perfect excuse !!! It was time to end all this and when he reached destination, looking for her and friends, “she” texted him by telling that she was a friend of mine and that she would have shared this with me.He rang me, sent me vocals but I did not answered…I told myself that if there wasn’t anything bad, he would explain his reasons for this behaviour and if he was convincing, I would give it another chance. Otherwise, restart. The day after, I rang him and he ended in tears on phone. He apologized for his selfish attitude. He also told me that he acted this way as he knew that I am jealous…and here, I pointed out what is important to me: I do nit mind if he has feminine friendships and the focus was on his lies and this impulse to satisfy his ego. I told him to ask to some of his female friends how would they have reacted to a similar thing. I told him to try to walk in my shoes and if he was still comfortable in, I would quit before moving together in a house to start living together. He said that he believes that he has not doing any harm but understood that his attitude was hurting me. i told him I do not mind him looking at nude pictures or a glance at the street, but that I could not understand why he had to express officially his likes. I do believe that this attitude has much to do with the global culture where everytinhg is permitted to men and that thwy too do feel pressure to show their masculinity in any way possible. I am not telling to be easy with, bu+t to educate them to hiw women feel in this society. I do not accept this “jealous” brand that they try to force on us. I also told him try to imagine me liking all the time men, who are completely diffrent from him, posing suggestively to show their manhood …? I am the kind if person who does not compare the man I love to the so said standards. Since then, he cancelled all the sexy followers and stopped following the hot profile and aslo gave me the pin to his phone. I still do check him though…and I know that some algorithm will shower him again with these kind of profiles but niw, I am more confident and I know that I will not let down anything that might hurt my feelings. Good luck to all !

  9. 49
    Jamie A Perez

    I absolutely do not agree with what this man said in this post , NO ITS IS NOT OK EVER for your partner to seek sexual gratification from another naked females body online , that whole caveman thing is an excuse men use to try and justify the fact that they can’t control their thirst. Ot would piss a man off to no end to know his women is looking at better looking men with bigger dicks and sexier bodies. There is no justifying what they do other then saying its down right disrespect and no self control and if a man’s thirst is so deep he can t control his self from looking at other women on the internet then what the hell makes you think he can control that same thirst when a bitch that looks just like the one he is obsessed with starts working with him ??? Highly unlikely … he has no self control and can’t stop his self from tapping that search bar the same way he he wont be able to stop his self from tapping another chicks ass that he finds more attractive then you …BIG FACTS women wake up its called visual and emotional adultery you can actually divorce your husband for this and if he does these things divorce him, don’t ever settle for second best to other womens pics and i dont give a damn who this post offends the man who wrote is just trying to makes excuses for all the men who are dogs . Believe me there are plenty of real men who can control their selves its called growing up and realizing what’s more important and respect something most men don’t have these days , they want their cake and eat it too …but not with me , you get me or the other but not both

  10. 50
    Raquel

    Maybe men need to be held accountable for their actions. Stop bashing this girl. She has valid feelings and reasons. If you’re in a relationship, then pay attention to the person you’re with. End of story. Fuck these idiots who think its okay to mentally cheat on you.

  11. 51
    D

    My boyfriend looks at, commrnts on, downloads pictures and looks ative web cams.
    First, if we were having sex, I may or may not be bothered. Since we have sex once a month, with me initiating, I am bothered by this

    Second, why the secrecy and lies about this? What else is he covering up and lying about?

    I have not brought it up that I know, I am waiting for the right time to discuss this or kick him to the cutb.

  12. 52
    Honorable

    I need to comment to your reply since when is it considered normal to be a PEEPING Tom? I believe you should be careful what you allow your eyes to see so when anyone chooses to watch porn you are choosing to let some other person other than your loved one please you ( if you were pleasing yourself you would not be looking at videos… as soon as you do there is an image that you have put in your eyes that has made you imagine other people having sex to obtain an orgasm and that is being unfaithful and creates doubt in your partner’s eyes why wouldnt it? Whether you choose to believe it or not the images stay in your subconscious and creates doubt and pain to your significant other. If you truly love this person and your actions hurt them then maybe consider not choosing to do something that they cared enough and had courage enough to share with you. In your reply you made it seem like her being hurt was her fault and she needed to work on herself / just because “everyone is doing it” doesnt make it right

  13. 53
    Karin

    Two years ago I divorced my husband of 40 years. He was heavily into porn and chat rooms and it made me feel like sh*t. I started counseling 6 months ago and have been diagnosed with PTSD from all his garbage. Even though he said he loves me, blah blah blah. With the PTSD, I have panic attacks and trauma triggers when I see ‘sexy’ women online, TV, movies. I feel threatened. I am with my forever-partner but these incidents are a strain on us. If I am enough, why does he have to look at other sexy women? Is my body not enough for him? I will never be as titillating as the big boobs and tiny waists and perfect butts that are everywhere. Help me understand. I do not want to feel threatened and I want my self-esteem back.

  14. 54
    Jennifer Z

    “Be careful with how much you tolerate, you’re teaching them how to treat you.” Communication will always be the key in a relationship. For some women, a man looking at porn, might not be problematic for them. For some women, a man fantasizing about another woman while having sex, might not be a problem for them. But, ask yourself the question. Is it a problem for you. There is no right or wrong answer. If it bothers you, then yes, it should bother your man and vice versa. Relationships will always work with compromise. But, know your insecurities and what triggers them. What you’re willing to accept and what you’re not willing to accept and talk it through. For me, if an action of mine was truly bothering my man, I wouldn’t do it. His feelings would be my priority as mine should be his. But you have to pick your battles and only put your precious energy into certain situations that are worth it. We all look at men and women passing by. Yes, human nature. But was is too far for you? What will you not tolerate. Which goes back to my first sentence… be careful with how much you tolerate, cause you’re teaching them how to treat you. For me, if I communicate something is truly, deeply causing me pain, and you choose to keep doing it, then I can choose to end that relationship. How I want to be treated is my right. There’s a lid for every pot out there. Always know your worth and your value and don’t let anyone take that from you. Don’t give anyone your power.

  15. 55
    bella

    Dear Bel,

    Your guy’s an asshole and you shouldn’t put up with it. You would get more respect and emotional satisfaction from a gold fish. I am tired of men and society excusing men. There is a hell of a difference between a man finding a woman attractive, versus adding her to his instagram and liking her shitty posts with her boobs hanging out and her fanny showing a bunny rabbit. He’s being unfaithful..end of story. It’s not about mind control, its about loving and respecting your partner and wanting to devote yourself to them. There are guys out there who are not into this kind of thing, and no they don’t all look like Mike Pence. In fact the super religious who put on a show of morality are often the ones keeping secret Instagram ID’s and getting off on hot teens. My advice, be happy with who you are, set boudaries..clear boudaries, and have the conviction to live alone until you meet the right guy. ie. one who will respect you and want to be with “you” instead of his ego.

  16. 56
    Liliane De Luca

    Don’t ever try to change a man that thinks looking, ogling, fantasising or masturbating to other women or their pictures are right. Also there are women who do the same but men believe they have the right to do that. It’s not they do not know what you are feeling or don’t feel the same. They are trading their emotions for the right of carry on with their actions as they have no respect for women.

    Be strong and leave him it’s hard as usually everyone has their own good side and you must have reasons to love him but happiness can only be reached in a relationship you find yourself secure, calm, loved, appreciated so the couple can concentrate on the relationship instead of arguments or stress.

  17. 57
    Dawn

    What if it’s clearly crystal clear that the issue isn’t jealousy or low self esteem? What if, in my very real life example, which is my actual life: the problem I see with the objective imagery of women in provocative clothing and positions in photos is due to an understanding of “rape culture”? What if, my opinion that 1) sexual images of women, 2) women posing for, getting paid for, or feeling pressured to participate in sexualized provocative 3) men viewing/liking or posting calendars at their work place of said images all contribute to “rape culture” and there is scientific research to support it?

    I’m not convinced that the heightened response women feel when they find their boyfriend looking at other girls is all jealousy and low self esteem.

    If it were just that, then the girlfriend who goes to the go-go bars with her man is really cool, right? She has high self esteem and is secure and immune from jealousy?

  18. 58
    Arabella

    So I know that I’m extremely attractive, and I can make sexy videos for my partner to masturbate to. I don’t mind if he finds other women attractive, as long as he doesn’t find them more attractive than me. To imagine him masturbating to another woman when I provide him sexy, hot videos, it’s like he would be mentally cheating on me because I give him no reason to do so… Expecting women to be okay with men fantasizing about other women is like expecting men to be okay with women flirting and getting off on other men spending money on her. No matter how hot and confident I am that I can please him, him jerking it to others would be a blow to my ego. Him cumming to another girl?? Okay then, I guess I can do the female equivalent of that…destroy his ego some other way.

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