DISCOVER HOW SMART, STRONG & SUCCESSFUL WOMEN (THAT'S YOU!) CAN FINALLY Find Your Man
DISCOVER HOW
SMART WOMEN LIKE YOU CAN
FINALLY Find Your Man
Take this short quiz
to discover what you need to do now.
Take this short quiz now
I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay. Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.
Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?
Just Dumped
Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.
Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:
“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to give her false hope and end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I have an ex-girlfriend who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.
Why does my ex keep contacting me when he dumped me? Mostly because you let him.
On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch and remain friends. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”
But that’s just my perspective as a guy who has done the same exact thing. So to answer your question ‘Why does my ex keep contacting me when he dumped me?’, mostly because you let him.
Readers? What do you think?
Jen from NYC says
Hey Just Dumped! Oh my gd, I was in the same situation a few years ago with a guy I totally liked and cliked with and well, wanted to date. We dated for a short time, than he went back to his ex, than we saw each other again and eventually he ended the sexual aspect to our “relationship” but called me all of the time and wanted to hang out and keep in touch. You know, I took his calls and we even went to a few movies together as I thought he might change his mind and want to date me again, but it never happened. In fact, he went back to the ex girlfriend he was with before me for the second time and a year later married her and wound up divorced 9 months later. Gd strike me down if I am lying. Needless to say, I did not lose such a good thing, but at the time, I was heartbroken.
Evan is right on! No, really he is. Perhaps the guy you dated is thinking he has nothing to lose, and he never stated to you that he was commiting to a relationship with you. If you are game for something with no strings than why not? In my oppinion, again in agreement with Evan, this guy does not want to string you along and easier to end things now than make it even more complicated or painful for both of you by not hinting to you that he just isnt interested. He is interested in staying in touch to fill his own needs, whether it is EGO or just the idea that he “someone” familiar in his life that he does not have to commit to.
Long story short, move on. I can promise you that you a man who is interested is never too busy to make time for you and will do anything to be with you. Well, at least the first six months. Just kidding. The man who is truly interested in a long-term, commited relationship will always have time for you.
I have always told myself and my friends who “hang out with” guys that unoffically broke up with us that if you expect him to wake up and suddenly realize he made a horrible mistake, it is not likely going to happen. Harsh, yes. But rarely have I seen it or known it to happen.
As to why did he want to date you? I am sure he was attracted to you and liked you but just maybe did not feel everything he needed to feel for it to be right. Don’t seel yourself short. Why should he not want to date you?
By all means, you do not have to take my advice, but just remember by answering his texts and keeping in touch, you are prolonging the inevitable. Why give this guy the upperr hand? If you are done with him, than send him on his way. And yes, if you let him stay in touch, he will and you will stay dumped and hurt. On to the next!
Jannine harrison says
I have been going through the same thing, I recently got dumped by my boyfriend who said I was stareing at other lads … Just to be clear I was absolutely besotted with this guy and never looked anyone in that way … I love him dearly but he stays in touch all the time in fact we see each other sometimes and then he will say we shouldn’t have slept together as it confuses him. Then he said he can’t put himself through how I made him feel again and yet he still talks to me like we are together and tells me he wanted to marry me and have kids. I did nothing wrong ??? Why is he doing this too me … I’m worried I’m going to have a nervous break down as I never go one day without thinking about him and it’s been 2 months since we finished. We were going out for 6 months and lived together for 4 of those months … We got on so well I just don’t understand …
Jannine says
The minute I pull away and try and end it he texts me something about how he feels worthless or I’ve upset him but he won’t get back with me and commit and just keep steeling me he won’t be put through what he went through with me I did nothing wrong !!! He won’t let me go x
R says
Tell him you are going to call the police. Men tend to stop harassing women after that.
Mel says
Block him! He’s playing mind games and gaslighting you to make you feel like you’re the one doing something wrong! What a creep! Cut him out of your life.
Lesley says
I just went through this about a week ago. My boyfriend simply said he wanted to break up with me just because for something really stupid: some random person texted him out of nowhere asking him if he has a girlfriend. Clearly he said yes. This is not exactly what bothered me, not blocking this person completely from Facebook and friending this person is what made me feel upset. He got mad just because I didn’t trust him and I didn’t reply to his messages for days. I don’t understand what’s going on. We’ve been together for a year already. I really feel heartbroken about this. This happened like 5 days ago and since that day we haven’t seen and talked to each other. Out of nowhere he texted me the other day telling me that he wanted to talk to me in person then another day he texted me asking how I’m doing. I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what to think at this point. I’ve been feeling depressed about this entire situation. Tbh he’s a great guy, we always spent time together and would always tell me that he loves me. This was his mistake and he blamed me like it was my fault. Now I feel like I was being used in a way..
He also said that he wanted to talk to me about his entire situation, but I feel really nervous about this, I feel like he might still threatened me like he did over text.
Misty says
Girl move on. I went through that and nearly lost it. I lost my job, my friends and almost lost my kids and apartment because of him. It sounds like narcissistic behavior. Please do yourself a favor and move on. Delete his number, email all contact you will be happier.
Cynthia says
Misty, you are on point. Narcassist personality disorder! My worst experience in a relationship ever! These type of people won’t let you go even after they dump you! My ex thought he still owned me and had issues with me seeing other men after he dumped me although he went back to the ex-girlfriend whom he was messing with during the entire 2 year relationship. The hardest thing to do is getting over and out of a relationship with a narcassist! I LISTEN to YouTube videos to remind me why I should be glad he dumped me!
Elaine says
Check out the melanie tonia evans website and do her narp recovery , once you work out what it is that makes you need validation from him, you wont want to know him xx good luck but do it lol xx
Elaine says
He is playing mind games, he is a nasty narcissist who thinks youre there for him to walk over.
Minn says
Jenn, I like your advise girl, reach out to me if you can. I’d like to talk to you. I’m going through a similar situation.
Marc says
I’m with Evan. I believe he was motivated by both guilt and his penis. The post break up text was meant to assuage his own feelings of guilt over dumping you, and to allow future opportunities “to stay in TOUCH”…both metaphorically and LITERALLY. He still wants the opportunity to touch you from time to time without feeling guilty about it. You can choose to allow him to do that, but every time you do, you’ll likely just get sucked back into all the emotional drama of whether he still likes you, and whether you’ll get back together, etc.
I’m not a dating expert by any means. I’m just some dude who knows how guys think.
Stacy says
But after two years and your ex texts you, that’s a problem. Plus he’s married and he still texts me. Even when I told him to forget about me. After all, he broke up with me. He just like to keep on old wounds. Not cool
JW says
I am currently going through this. I blocked his number. But I can see that he’s trying to call. He is now sending random text messages to say hello and how’s the family etc. Its been 3 weeks since I sent him an email stating that there’s nothing else to talk about nor is there any reason to see each other. You made your choices its time for me to do the same. After that I cut off the contact . If not, I would get sucked back into the world of deceit . Heartbreak is difficult to deal with. You miss the emotional attachment to someone even if the relationship was not that great.
Chonta says
This is so true
BeenThruTheWars says
Jen is right on with her “move on” advice. This guy is keeping his options open and salving his conscience, nothing more.
Now, if you are okay with accepting crumbs, then by all means, respond to his texts, see him next week, take his calls, sleep with him. But if you want a real relationship — whether with Mr. Amazing or someone even better, who is truly in love with you — then here is what you do:
You are Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet for the next eight or so weeks. This guy has hurt you once, it’s very likely he will hurt you again as many times as you let him. He has told you “I don’t want you, I want someone else instead, but I don’t like being the bad guy so I’ll tell you I want to stay friends; plus if there isn’t anyone better out there, I might want to come back for a little while to remind myself why it was I didn’t want to stick around in the first place.
Being NTBFOTP means NO contact. Zero. Of any kind. You might even want to change your outgoing messages on your voice mail so he doesn’t get a fix off your voice. He needs to feel your complete and total absence in his life for about two months if there is any chance at all of him saying “Hey! I made a terrible mistake, I want you back” and meaning it.
During that two months, you don’t open emails or letters from him, you don’t answer your door if he happens to just show up out of the blue. You say “that’s nice” and change the subject if a mutual friend mentions him. You return anything he sends you unopened (unless it’s your stuff from his place). This guy has to camp out at the end of your driveway with tears rolling down before you will even think about seeing him again.
Meanwhile, get out there and meet new men, date others, take up a new hobby, call up your girlfriends or family members and spend time together, go to a spa, the gym, trick-or-treating, whatever it takes to get your life back so it feels like 100% YOURS again.
And you can kind of keep it in the back of your mind that Mr. Amazing might still be out there, missing you… or he might not.
I experienced my own version of Mr. Amazing a few years ago. We’d only dated for two months when told me (on a date, of course) that the girl he REALLY wanted a relationship with had just broken up with her boyfriend and become available so he wanted to pursue that instead; but gee, I was a really great person, and would i like to keep seeing him clandestinely?
In other words, here he was breaking up with me — hurting me — and telling me he was going to explore a new relationship with some dreamgirl he knew — whom he admitted knew nothing about me — but he wanted to lie to her and see me on the sly, and eat his cake and have it, too. Charming. I said no thanks! ‘Bye! Don’t let the door hitcha in the butt!
I ran into him a year later on a nature trail. He was with some very mousy, nondescript woman and I was with my very hot new boyfriend at the time, and just happened to have had my hair done and looked especially pretty that day… butter wouldn’t melt as I said hello, long time no see, ta ta, without making any introductions and walking off. Now THAT was closure!
Krystal says
Excellent advice!
PaulaAZ says
I love the NTBFOTP and am instituting that right now … I am sure I am much older than most of the people who have posted on here (early 60s) … but it just goes to show that you do not always learn with age! I am moving on and know that the “excuses” he gave for wanting to see other people were just that, “excuses” and not the “reason.” Big difference! He wants to remain friends as he says I am one of only two friends he has … what does that say about him??? A LOT now that I have stepped back and taken a hard look at it. But I have learned two very important things … one is that I still do have the ability to feel those “butterflies in the stomach … really cannot wait to see that person” feelings that some believe are just reserved for the young(er) in age … and (2) that you have to put yourself first and move on and not worry about that other person, because they certainly are not worrying about you!!! I am so glad I found these posts! Thank you all!
Sandy says
Love the advice definitely following it…
Dania says
Great! I love it 😠Thank you for sharing ðŸ˜
ANON says
PERFECT!!!! I recently went through similar after 5 months of a wild chase from a former classmate who saw me on facebook. Long story short, I let myself be used. I am not a young person. I am 66!!! So it can happen at any age! He still “likes” my facebook posts to keep himself in my life… and sadly I let him. It’s refreshing to read how you handled such a cad. Thanks!
Sharon says
Great story. Glad he saw you looking fabulbous with another man!
Laine says
I love your story BeenThruTheWars. Go Girl 🙂
Thembile says
Great advice ever!!!
a&v says
Yup, Evan is right on this one. I say this as a woman who has had even her dumpees try to stay in contact for the fwb thing. (Oddly, I have never wished to stay in contact with my exes for “side business.”) After my heart was smooshed last Februrary, the smooshee tried to stay in contact for precisely the reasons Evan mentioned. I wouldn’t have any of it and told him off rather soundly, which I regretted for awhile (because being mean and volatile isn’t my nature). But the end result has been excellent: no needless pining, no complicated feelings, no feeling used. Wonderful!
a&v says
(Ooops. “her dumpees” in my previous post should read “guys she’s dumped.” Hazards of lunching and typing simultaneously …)
mrs. vee says
Yep. I have to agree with everyone here. Guilt, ego, horniness and perhaps the willingness to exploit your vulnerability to him is what’s motivating him.
Try not to feel encouraged by his breadcrumbs. You deserve a whole sweet, piping-hot loaf.
Kel says
I am learning, these posts are hilarious but true to core, lmao
Bev says
I loved Evan’s answer because after all, he has been there as a guy. I’ve been there as a woman and broke up cause I was in love with someone else and was taking a break when he came along. I wanted to be friends just in case my ex and I didn’t make it again and also cause I wanted the dumped guy to think I was still nice. A few years later I hooked up with the dumped guy and he treated me like dirt which proves you can’t go back again.
downtowngal says
Evan, you’re spot on! I’ve always contended that guys are simple, and if he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with you you’ll know it, none of this mix-messages thing. I had an experience similar to JD’s, as many women have. Unless you’re not interested in having a committed relationship with this guy – only thing is to move on.
in the trenches says
Evan, your emails are incredibly timely! I recently dated a guy whom I met a year ago. I felt perhaps I’d misjudged him ( and dusted him quickly the first time) I ventured back in to the same situation one year later expecting different results. Insanity reigns! Needless to say my first intuition was right on. This time round, once we had become intimate he disappeared…what else in new. Oh, I had the odd “I’ll call you” text and emails a couple of times then nadda! So the last couple of weeks I was wondering if, in fact, he did contact me, how I’d respond. I was very attracted to him but as always…packaging is nice but I’ve learned that SUBSTANCE OVER FORM is still the best measuring stick.
I’m feeling a tad vulnerable with a residual emotional sting, however, after reading through all the posts, I don’t feel alone on this and thanks for exactly what I needed to hear!
John from Dallas says
NTBFOTP…Perfect! I’ve never heard that before but such good advice. Women, people…..after being a nurse for 20 years there is one thing I know for sure, LIFE IS SHORT! Life “time” is not endless, it is finite and you don’t know how much you have been granted. Stop wasting yours on losers or repeats and get out there. Every minute you spend with Mr. Wrong is a minute you’re taking a chance on missing Mr. Right…..or Mrs. Right….
alaskagrrrL says
Oh how very timely–Just-girl, beware, in my experience this can last indefinitely. So I’ll pose a related question to the group… From New Years I dated a man for several blissful months and right at Easter (when I’d sent photos of us to all my friends, of course) he abruptly stopped any intimacy and little by little withdrew his body/mind/self farther and farther away. I think he might have given me up for Lent! It was maddening/saddening and I made a gentle ultimatum that he could initiate contact with me if he wanted to be a part of my life, since other way around seemed very uncomfortable for him. He pretty much flew out the window, with lots of praise for my “remarkableness” and “how he wanted to keep me closer than most as a friend” and with the exception that he saw me a number more times, he then faded away mid-year. It was a scorchingly hard separation for me. For many weeks now, he calls me like clockwork every 7-10 days to chat–he’ll also take/return the occasional call from me if I have something to say. No sex, no invites, no face to face at all–just a friendly curious chat to say, “Hi how are ya, what’s happening in the world, etc.–call ya sometime” I very much like this gentleman–a decent, caring and very Catholic man (hence the no sex) and feel as a grownup I should be able to handle the rebuff with some dignity and try to sustain some kind of friendship. No its not what it started out, but this is someone who means alot to me and I’d like to have him in my life in some way. But it can be hard for all of the reasons you’ve all given. I want to be adult and give this friendship a chance, but also want to manage my sanity and feelings so as not to get sucked into the evil vortex of hope and despair again. Any words of reason out there? Has anybody managed to fashion a platonic friendship out of something that was once more? What were the ground rules you laid for yourself and how did you convey them to your “friend”? Can this work if expectations are realistic? I’d appreciate any voices of experience here 🙂
DaveG says
Alaskagirl, hard as it is you must carve this man from your life. Your motivations and his are irrelevant because it’s a toxic scenario. I suspect he’s feeling guilty and will dump you sloooooowly as long as it suits him. He’s sabotaging both of you and you’re letting him. Move on.
David says
Here’s my story for you: Two partners from age of 18, both for 3 years each, one international and extremely close (still getting over it/developing it, and no i actually dont think its toxic when being on the other side of the world) the first i lived with for about 2 years. We still talk, my first ex is really smart in the way she has done things and i will be really glad to see her get married one day – we havnt seen each other in years, but communication has been at around the 6 month mark throughout my previous relationship. For somone i loved so much, and had a hard time getting over, i do think with strength a worthwhile lifelong friendship can be formed. – respect their partner, get to know them, be happy for them and adopt it to your own new love life !
Ditch the bitterness people ! Im really glad to still have my first girlfriends contact. because life is too short to just completely let go of the people you know and have had the best times with, that level of understanding in a good relationship gone sour never goes away, but can be transformed into great things.
The problem with alot of you posters is that you think life is o’so’sweet, life is not supposed to be easy, its supposed to be a balance, and struggles make it all real – accept struggle and be happy for it. Know what person you want with all you can, be yourself, extroverted or introverted,but dont get so hurt about it (currently learning this).
On that note, i wish you all a sunset love movie scenario :D:D:D lol.
Sisi-P says
I agree with you David. I have kept contact with my Exs. Not all of them ended well. I have been dumped and I have dumped. All of them hurt. I dumped because I was cheated on and I was recently dumped for no clear reason at all. I still don’t know why and I am still hurting. But I take each relationship as a teaching moment in my life. I decide not to hate. If it did not work, its most likely because we were not right for each other. So I wish them well and consider myself one step closer to the person meant for me. Also I believe if I can be friends with them without hurting then I have moved on and ready for the right guy.
Rebsy says
Ok so my acid test with a friend is this, can i call them late on a saturday night and ask them to help me move my fridge, or give me advice on a romantic relationship?? If not then he aint a friend….acquaintance at best….
I have this right now with a guy who has ended our relarionship because he ‘didnt want to make me suffer’ because he keep trying to screw anything he can.
Er…. dude, you end my suffering by not being a dick rather than dumping me. But he apparently loves me and wants me as a friend.
Well you know what, devastated though i am why the hell would i want or need a friend like that??
Get rid, go through the heartbreak and move on, these creeps will keep this crap up for years if you let them.
Chris says
I am going to play Devil’s Advocate and suggest that this guy did nothing wrong. He broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. Everyone says that he’s being a jerk for wanting to continue to see her, but why is that so bad for him to want to have sex with his ex-gf, as long as he treats her well on dates and is honest about no committed relationship ever developing.
If hanging out and having sex are mutually enjoyable, then to say no just for the sake of getting the guy back is spiteful. JD admitted that he was “amazing.” The guy might even offer JD advice on other guys she’s dating.
human nature says
I have an epic fwb’s relationship with my ex and I like it. All these posts are making out that men are the only benefactors of this type of scenario. Why can’t we (girls) admit we love it when are ex’s show interest or even a smidgen of regret it helps our egos. If that guy just dumped her never to call again then deep down she would be more hurt. The fact that he contacted you must have softened the blow. My ex tries to contact one way or another once in a while normally after drinking on a Friday night. But even so when I wake up to find a missed call from 4am or a drunken text I smile. We may never get back what we had and I am not sure I want it back, but fond memories die hard simple!. Until I meet Mr putupwithmybs I will allow the mind games to continue : ).
Marymary says
If you want something more substantial than a missed booty call, you have to endure the loss of short term gratification.
no you won’t ever get back what you had. Real reconciliation is rare and doesn’t look like this. (Neither does friendship).
Its your decision if this works for you. It won’t for most of Evan’s audience. I’ve even known men who’ve not liked it.
sadiesays says
That’s all fine and good until you stop getting those middle of the night texts because he is engaged to someone else. Oops, he forgot to tell you that part, well that’s because you have ZERO value to him in the long run. Get out of this sham while you still feel ok, it will only hurt you in the end.
Aurie says
I like and agree with your view, human nature.
My ex just texted me yesterday saying ‘thinking of you’.
I’ve not and won’t respond…it’s hard though.
Tiy says
Interesting POV and can’t deny the truth of it all
Virgo Ellie says
As a female I agree. At a certain age you have to accept the fact that we are adults, can agree in intimacy as long it is respected and treat each other like best friends. Why is that so hard now! (Don’t know how long ago this thread was created.. Lol)
Lisa says
I don’t think he did anything wrong but I also think Evan is spot on as to why he did it. I pretty much have had every guy that dumped me try to hook up with me at one time or another. I only responded once and it sucked bad. I ended up in tears and both he and I realized I could not do the fwb thing at least not with him. At that point he was a good guy and said I can’t do this to you. I think the problem becomes when men know they are hurting a girl who clearly wants more to just have sex. It is a rare woman who go do fwb especially with a man she once cared about. We just work differently then men do. Men don’t get that and many women try to deny it. For me, sexual attraction is largely in my head. So I’ve dated a lot of very attractive men who hurt me and after that the thought of them sexually made me want to vomit. A truly good guy sees this and does not engage in sex with an ex. No matter what she says he needs to know she’s looking for more and back off. Anything more is selfish and wrong.
mrs. vee says
Chris, the guy who dumped jd may not be a jerk, but he is at the very least, obtuse and insensitive to her feelings. Definitely not the best person to decide what is or isn’t good for her. That’s the reason she should guard herself from his influence.
To suggest that, given her state of just-dumpedness, she might benefit from casual sex with the guy is just plain unrealistic. Undoubtedly, casual sex will stir up confusion and hurt and insecurities which would far outweigh any benefit from “dating pointers” the man might give her after a roll in the hay.
Moreover, your suggestion that she just go ahead and sleep with her ex highlights the differences between the emotional makeup between men and women. Discussing this topic on the blog is a good way for the 2 genders to better understand each other.
JD, your ex- may think like Chris here – no awareness at all of your vulnerability to him. Which is why it’s important for YOU to be the one to set parameters for yourself in this situation.
And Chris, the next time you dump a girl and pursue her for sex, consider that her feelings for you may be a little too complex to endure a casual romp. You’re not a bad guy, but if you understood the high likelihood of negative emotional consequences of a girl sleeping with an ex she still cared for, could you, in good conscience, ask her to go through with it?
Jen from NYC says
This is a comment back to alaskagrrrL. Oh the days of “lets be friends.” Yeah, it all sounds good and feels good for the time, but in the end, it just never works out quite the way you want it to. So, I ask you this? Do you have good friends? It does not matter if it is just one or two, but you have friends right? Those are the only friends you need. Men you date and do not continue to date, are not friends. They are men who you learn from and move on.
I do not mean to sound harsh, but I will be. This guy is calling you for his own needs, and obviously is not interested in meeting your needs as far as a love or dating relationship is concerned. So, if you want to attempt friendship, more power to you, just remember, you don’t date your friends.
I dated my BEST FRIEND of six years about 5 years ago. Long story short, we dated for six months, I called it quits because of my hunch that he just was not that into girls (though he did get married and has a kid, but a lot of gay men marry women) and I loved him more than one can imagine, but after we stopped datiing, we never spoke again because he was not able to be the boyfriend that I needed and wanted. Everyone told me when I was contimplating dating him that if it didnt work out, we would NEVER be friends again. Well, they were right. When you love someone, and they don’t love you back the same way, it usually feels impossible to be friends with them when the dating falls apart. That was my experience.
The SINGLE ONLY TIME I truly believe friendship after dating actually works is when you didnt leave that relationship still liking the guy in the romantic way. If you both agree and part because you BOTH realize you are not meant to date eachother, than of course you can friends! In fact, had I not loved the guy I just told you about, we would probably be getting mani’s and pedi’s together to this day. If you feel anything, and I mean even the little tiniest bit of love or something more than friendship for this guy, than end it. Friendship is just not an option.
And hello, I hear you about trying to substain a friendship and be “decent” but have some pride and be honest with yourself. There are tons of decent, good men (Catholic men, though you are asking a Jewish girl so I have more expeirence with the Jewish boys) out there and it is time for you to find one who wants the same things as you; not a phone call to say hi or who sometimes returns your calls. The time you are spending talking to him, is time you should be dating and working on your on-line profile, or attending events where other single men may be.
Don’t get sucked in even more………you create the vortex, but you sure as hell can climb out of it and seal that vortex up! You deserve a man who is 100% into you and not your “friend!”
Jen 🙂
Chris says
Mrs. Vee,
Sometimes and with some people, a friends with benefits situation can be a good thing, for at least a short while. In my opinion, the mortal sin of dating is dishonesty, and a friends with benefits situation is an honest situation. The guy isn’t stringing the girl along, the guy isn’t having sex with her and then not calling back. Presumably, JD’s ex actually does care about and like her, he just doesn’t see her becoming his wife. If he’s truly a decent guy, he’s even continue to do mutually fun things together that aren’t sex (movies, museums, ballgames, whatever).
You and I both know that guys can be real jerks. A guy who keeps on having sex with his “girlfriend,” without ever introducing her to his parents, without calling as often as she wants, without saying “I love you,” is worse than JD’s ex. In short, a guy who strings a girl along is the worst. JD’s ex is frankly admitting that “he’s just not that into her.” JD’s ex is saying “I hope you find another boyfriend, but I’ll be here for you until you do.”
Even though I wouldn’t criticize the the guy, he shouldn’t be surprised when JD says no. I know that hanging out with an ex & having sex in general are bigger deals emotionally to the average woman than to the average man.
(btw, I’ve never proposed a fwb arrangement with any girl I’ve broken up with. I’ve only proposed it with two girls who broke up with me. A third girl, after she broke up with me, did propose a fwb. I said “I don’t know, I’m really mad at you, but I guess so.” I have another girlfriend now, but the girl who proposed fwb to me is my best friend.)
Jenny says
Hey Alaskagrlll,
What are you thinking? You are clearly sening out the message that you are a ready and waiting anytime emotional relationship with this guy. You might want to know that men usually do not have all the emotional perception and comprehension, let alone processing that us women do so translation: you are providing him emotional support and a relationship – for nothing? If you are doing this out of kindness and genuinely helping the guy, then go for it; otherwise you are in some ways manipulating him, and keeping him on a hook that he should not be on.
Ava Mazur says
Well Im going to have to go against Evan on this one. Perhaps Im mean spirited but Ive seen this happen to people before…and I guess it depends on the mental state of your ex. Some “dump” thier significant other because they quite frankly dont want to be with them anymore, but they like being liked (hey who doesnt). Once they break up they realize they loose that little ego boost. Im just saying be careful especially since you like this guy so much. You dont want him stringing you allong thinking there is hope when there isnt any. Im a firm beliver in no contact for a month or so and then if you really want to be friends and your over the whole breakup thing then by all means go see a movie. You will know its just as friends w/o any benifits or hidden agendas on either part.
alaskagrrrL says
Thanks Jen & Jenny for your thoughts–not necessarily harsh, just realistic different perspectives based on your experiences (though I can’t buy into the manipulation charge–I’m the one that was “hooked” frankly, and largely of my own doing). Its good to be challenged in one’s actions and I asked, right?!
You are probably much younger than I am being in my mid-40’s, but I’m here reading, learning and listening because I have NO dating experience. And when I say “no” I mean zero, zip, zilch, nada–married someone straight out of school and stayed w/ him for 25 ill-advised years–the relationship I refer to here is the only other man I’ve had in my life. I have exactly ONE each single friend, daughter and sister (and Jen, thankfully a number of really good friends who are life-savers 🙂 Needless to say, I’m at a distinct disadvantage on the learning curve here…
There is a lot of encouragement/pressure these days to pursue relationships online and I just happened to stumble on this site which has been a real revelation–great honest dialog by articulate people about the perils and challenges of looking for someone to share life with. And no offense to the women here, you’re great, but the male perspective is also pretty fascinating and invaluable when you’re in the midst of trying to figure out the opposite sex. I haven’t tried internet dating and I don’t know if I ever will, but many thanks to Evan for creating such a multi-faceted resource.
As for the original “let’s be friends” question, thanks to the many viewpoints & suggestions here from both genders, I’ve gained a lot of clarity which will help make real space in my life for new adventures. I’ll take the kindness & concern that my new/old friend have to offer each other at face value, but in a realistic (and, after looking at myself through others’ eyes) probably more self-respecting way. Appreciate the great reminders, frank appraisals and “you go grrrL” encouragement–I hope JD felt that, too.
Jen from NYC says
hey alaskagrrrl. you are correct, i am bit younger (31) but i do really beleive one thing never changes when it comes to love and relationships; men persue the women they want to date. men string along the women they dont want to date, but may want to sleep with OR just need a woman in their lives for support or comfort. I do not judge the men for either of those two reasons, but i do know that eevery woman, young and older has the choice of which they want to be. men, believe it or not, are really not that complicated when it comes to love. so my boyfriend reminds me all of the time. when they want you, they do anything with in reason of course, to get you and than to keep you. when they are unsure, then the games start OR they let you know either straight up i am not into you, or they begin to pull away.
so….with all that said. as much as it may not be fun at times to be dating, particulalry after spending so many years with one man…i like to think of it is a blessing when you get a second opportunity to find REAL love. this is one of the few things in life many people take a risk on seeking when they are already comfortable, but not necessarily content with whom they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. i give you major props for getting out there and dating. as for believing you are at a major disadvantage, i think it is quite the contrary. you have been in a relationship and had the strength to walk away and move on, and now you know what you need and what you want. dating at any age is stressful, scary, and sometimes really annoying, but in the end, when you find a great man, you appreciate every single minute of it!
good luck….and happy dating!
jen
LP says
Alaskagrrl you are bypassing your concious will…lying to yourself, and waiting for him. If you had no hope of having him, you would not pursue the friendship, unless you had some kind of a money/business need for him. He is not helping you write your book. He is not your guitar player. He is not your stock broker. You believe he is lying to himself, not you are lying to yourself, and you are lucky if he is not clever and cruel because that is an excellent medium for swindling. And, by the way, you do not really believe he is such a good quality friend if he lies to himself. Thus, you are honouring your relationship/previous connection more if you just stay away. You are right to say “fashion” a relationship with him because there is none there…you have to invent it. Do you think the friendly side of his personality needs a workout? Because that’s all it is to him…an occasion to practice being friendly. If you seek to change his ability to be friendly…i.e., to begin ANY new relationship/friendship/acquaintance, you are definitely not a very good person for him to be rickocheting off of. Either his personality bends/caves in/dents/warps, etc, or he finally successfully brushes the bit of fluff…you…off his suit, because that’s what he was trying to do in the first place. Been the fluff! Or was it dandruff? Worse?….
Andrea says
I agreed with Evan until the second paragraph. Who says that he’s just in it for the sex? All of the comments have run with that, but there is no indication that he wants anything other than something platonic.
You say, “But all guys do” right? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he wants it but won’t act on it. Maybe he’s not attracted to her but think she’s a cool girl.
Furthermore, many of the above comments have suggested that you can’t stay friends with people you’ve dated. I dispute this. I’ve stayed friends with most, one of whom I fell for and took a while to get over. In fact, we went for lunch earlier this week and it was fantastic. He’s amazing but parts of our personalities aren’t suited for a relationship.
Also, I agree with Chris. The guy in question broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. If he does want sex, and she’s okay with it – and yes, I believe that both people can be okay with it – then what’s wrong with that? People are so judgmental when it comes to casual sex. People think that the fact that some people can’t handle it means that EVERYONE can. Everyone’s different with their own capacity to handle situations.
Bottom line: If you can handle a friendship with an ex go for it. If not, don’t. Gauge your own comfort level and, *consider* the opinions of others, but don’t let a bunch of strangers with only part of the story tell you the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. It’s crucial for you to be honest with yourself about what you can handle and about what you want.
Selena says
To Alaskagrrl:
I’ve found it possible to be friends with a couple ex’s, but it did take an appreciable amount of time after the breakup for that to happen. To be able to be friends you need to make an emotional shift –from romantic feelings to ones of solely friendship. You have to really “be over” that person and not harboring a secret hope that they will come around and want you romantically again. This takes time. Usually quite a bit of it. From your post it seems clear that you are not there yet and that’s hardly surprising, it hasn’t been all that long since you stopped seeing this man.
You also didn’t date all that long either and you should consider that perhaps he did you a favor– in that once he realized you were not the one for him, he let you go rather than stringing you along and letting you become more and more attached. He may genuinely want your friendship, but if his calls do nothing more than leave you in a state of yearning, you are better off not taking them until such time as you can truly feel detached–romantically–and thereby possibly open to what friendship he has to offer.
I understand this was a rather unfortunate experience for your first time out dating Alaskagrrrl, try viewing this as ‘pratice’. He wasn’t the one for you, but someone else will be.
Selena says
The thing about ‘wanting to stay in touch’ after a breakup is that it’s so ambiguous. Do they really just want to see how you’re doing? Testing the waters about getting back together? Angling for the possibility of a booty call? Or waffling through all 3 possibilities? How can you know?
I think it serves best to have no contact after a breakup for a period of at least 4 mos.-longer if the relationship was particularly intense. This gives each person time to “get over, move on” and sort out their feelings about the other and why the relationship ended. Hindsight often brings clarity and hindsight is by its nature not immediate.
If someone kept contacting me after a breakup I know it would just make me more confused and be a stumbling block to healing.
Illinoisgirl says
Hi there, I recently had an ex-boyfriend email me out of the blue and it didn’t see the email. Then he showed up in my city ten days later and sent me another email. I think he is trying to re-contact me and rekindle the relationship, but I was busy didn’t see him. He sent me an email saying he was glad to know that I still cared for him and he still cared for me. We have been on and off for a year, and he broke up with me to see another woman last spring. He aslo came to town late in the summer and I saw him briefly for coffee and to return his things. When he broke it off in May, I was devastated. This guy had talked about marriage and went cold on me about six months into the relationship. What do I make of this behavior? I don’t trust him anymore.
Ayena says
I’m in this situation right now, we’ve been dating for few months, we love each other but after few weeks he starting so distant and later in ask for space he said his love is fading away and he ask gor space which I agree but ge still text me but not that sweet like before, but after a week I found out that he brought a woman in hos apartment over night. This hurting me so muvh because inspite of what he did to me I still love him and responding to his text and meeting him once a week.
Karmic Equation says
Ayena,
This guy isn’t your boyfriend. If sleeping you’re sleeping with him weekly and are upset by the fact he’s sleeping with other women, then either A) stop sleeping with him or B) continue to sleep with him AND date other people.
You’re still single. He’s still single. He doesn’t owe you anything just because he slept with you. YOU don’t owe him anything just because you’re sleeping together.
If you like the sex. continue. If you want a relationship with this man, then the best thing to do is to let him go. If he really liked you, he’ll come after you. You can restart a NEW relationship should that happen. But be clear about what you want if you take him back, which is that you expect exclusivity before you sleep with him again.
If he disappears. GOOD. He wasn’t the right man for you.
Love isn’t a good enough reason to be in a relationship. There has to be LIKE on both sides and a true desire from both sides to be in a relationship.
starthrower68 says
Love is more a decision than a feeling or emotion. What he’s really saying is the novelty and newness has worn off and he’s not getting the warmies. He’s done you a favor by showing you that he chases feelings.
lorelei says
In response to Andrea who said: “Also, I agree with Chris. The guy in question broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. If he does want sex, and she’s okay with it – and yes, I believe that both people can be okay with it – then what’s wrong with that? People are so judgmental when it comes to casual sex. People think that the fact that some people can’t handle it means that EVERYONE can. Everyone’s different with their own capacity to handle situations.”
Yeah, but from reading JD’s letter, it seems fairly obvious to me she’s not in a place to handle casual sex with her ex. So the folks on this blog who speak out in favor of her not polishing the guy’s knob WHILE SHE’S STILL NOT OVER HIM aren’t necessarily being judgmental. Just realistic in this situation.
Sure, casual sex is fine for some people. I think Mrs. Vee put it best at some point, though, when she said that many women use the “language” of sexual liberation while having casual sex to mask their motives of securing a longterm commitment, or to hide the pain from the hollowness of the sex.
Selena says
Illinoisgirl:
I wouldn’t trust him either. For one thing, the off and on deal (I’ve been through it) is a big indicator of incompatibility on the whole. You may care for each other, but you find yourselves so frequently at odds–gets tiring after awhile.
In the case of your ex-bf, my guess would be that gets motivated to contact you when he doesn’t have something else romantically going on, when a new relationship proves not to work out. The woman he dropped you for last Spring perhaps as an example. It would appear that this has become a pattern, and if you don’t want to be devastated again, I’d suggest saying “No thanks” to any more of his attempts to hook back up with you. Unless ofcourse, you don’t mind being his back-burner girlfriend while he leaves his options open to keep scouting for a trade up.
Andrea says
I think Selena nailed it with with her reply to Alaskagrrl.
lorelei –
I don’t see indication in JD’s letter one way or another about whether she’s in a place to handle casual sex with her ex. Nowhere in her letter does sex come up. Evan’s the one who raised the issue. As I said in my earlier comment, people who commented ran with that, but there is no indication that the ex wants anything other than something platonic. I think that all of this talk about sex could confuse her even more.
Anita says
I got an email from a man I’ve been seeing for over a year. We reconnected after many years of not seeing one another. We were hot and heavy over 20 years ago. We have survived marriages, illness and other events. Now, he wants a “moratorium” on our relationship to see how things work out with someone he just met in a walking group. He wants to continue to email me jokes, etc. and be friends. By the way, he’s no spring chicken. He’s 78 and I am 58. I’m not the beauty queen I once was either. I told him “Auf Wiedersehen.” Things never change even with age. Men akways want to leave the door open for a return engagement when they desire IT!
same position says
First, I want to thank everyone for this posting – it helped me to end something similar that had been going on for way too long. Second, although I agree with a lot of what is said, the truth is that each situation is different. I was seeing someone for about 6 months before he broke up with me. 2 months later he was apologizing and, I thought, trying to get me back. Because I had fallen for him, and not lost that feeling during the break up, I was ecstatic and jumped right on board. The problem was that I was already emotionally involved, and never sure of what he wanted. The lack of communication caused us to end up in a booty-call scenario, which lasted another 6 months. I kept telling myself that no one would sleep with someone for the better part of a year without any feelings, and kept going. Finally I realized that we felt different things for each other. I don’t doubt that he cares about me or wants me in his life, but he’s not emotionally attached because it became just sex – which I allowed (and sometimes even pursued). It took all the strength I could muster (which wasn’t a lot because I had become so emotionally exhausted from the relationship) to finally put an end to it. We spoke once after and that is when I realized he had to be completely out of my life – so I cut him off. It hasn’t been easy but I know it will get better. So, thank you for all your words of wisdom to each other because it really made me realize that I am not going to get what I want when I demand nothing.
Anita says
Dear Same position, You sound like you got your act together. I wish you “good things.”This posting also helped me and it’s only 4 days since I got my “moratorium” email. Cheaper than shopping to ease the pain which occurs at any age when you really care for someone.
same position says
Oh, Anita, I wish I had my act together. It’s only been a few days. But, the amazing thing is that although I am sad because a big part of my life is now gone (albeit unhealthy), the sadness is not the same as the angst and anxiety I was feeling. As my friends say, “Take a deep breath and step outside the rollercoaster because it has finally come to an end.” That is the good part – no more ups and downs. Now I just need to pick up the pieces and move on. Sounds much easier than it is. But after ending it, I felt this strength that he had taken away from me. Don’t take that to mean I place blame – we both engaged in the unhealthy relationship – only I was also emotionally engaged. Good luck!!!
Anita says
Thank you Same position, I’m going to a “Singles Discussion” group on Friday night and am volunteering at a Nature Center tomorrow. My friends tell me, this man did me a favor. Now I have more time to devote to ME and the things I love to do instead of always doing what HE wanted to do. I also feel empowered and stronger. Happy Halloween.
mev says
I just happened to stumble upon this website on aol. I must say the similar situations, the insightful comments and sage advice from others has given me more perspective and understanding than the many books I have read, journaling, talking with friends, reflection, etc., etc.
To paraphrase Evan it’s certainly easy as a third party to pass on advice and knowledge, but if you are the individual involved-whoa let me tell you all the logic, experience and common sense can (and in my case did) go out the window. After reuniting with a former love of my life from 20 years ago, I engaged in the rollercoaster ride of on-and-off again excuse-laden, withdrawal more than a Citibank ATM then I could stand. Finally, after he returned from overseas (after “dating” for a year) without so much as a call, note, text, etc -even though it was my birthday, to get together for another booty call, I laid this line on him: If you want a revolving door, go the Waldorf Astoria, because my door says one thing and one thing only-EXIT.
So, now I see him every two-three weeks with my mother in tow and he does my mother’s teeth and mine for free. The way I figure it, Be careful of biting off more than you can chew, and I, I want to chew with pearly whites.
deja_vu says
Just found this website – thought I was going mad but I guess this happens the world over.
Meet a guy beginning of this year online. We date – he is very intense for three months and I get caught up in the whirlwind. Calls become a little less frequent, but he seems OK when meeting, then he disappears altogether (doesn’t answer the phone or email msgs). Two months later emails to say he is an idiot and I am wonderful. Doesn’t say why he disappeared. I tell him there is no point being friends – he says he wants to meet me but doesn’t arrange anything. Two weeks of text messages later, I ask him if he wants to meet – he says that he is tired and he will chat tomorrow. Wake up call! Block his number, texts and emails.
For some stupid reason miss him, but try and date anyway (without success) and then guess who pops up FOUR months later? He texts me from a different cell number “Hey, how’s it going? How are you – it’s X!”. Really tried hard not to respond, but I did after a week. He sends me text messages every day during the week. One or two are flirty, but others are just general chit chat, so I assume that he is not after booty call. No idea why he got in touch again and to this day I still don’t know why he broke up with me. He hasn’t been in touch for five days.
Given up trying to figure this out. Trying to work on myself instead and convince myself that if I had a bit more faith in myself, I wouldn’t be sucked into this toxic behaviour. Here’s hoping 2008 will be better than this year
cindi says
ok…heres my experience…and a very recent one at that ..was dating about a yr and a half he was my best friend too and i love him dearly ..really never saw it coming ..met the family in ohio …his mom and i are close .he even told her ,,ill never meet another woman like this…bla bla bla. well.. 3 wks ago on the way to dinner ..just 2 days after he called me saying,: “you are in my heart.. i love u”
youre very special and all that,, he broke up with me..said he wasnt “sure” needs time.
mind you, we were always together on the weekends and have lots of memories ..just imagine ..so i can defintely identify …he says hes hurting because he hurt me. i made one mistake at first and went over to his home ..he said: he just wants to be alone ..please leave ..its very hard for me to see u” so i havent called hes called me about 3 times but is still choosing to go to his familiys home alone this thanksgiving..im hurt ,as well as stumped ..DEJAVU , I AGREE WITH YOU …THIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR THING. I GUESS I NEED TO WORK ON IT AS WELL I TOO HOPE 2008 IS A BETTER YR. THANKS FOR LISTENING ALL.
chiara says
here, here!
sonya says
I have a bit of a different opinion about the matter and my situation may be a rare case or something. I also don’t want to steer you in the wrong direction or give false hope either but here goes. I dated a guy for one year, then we moved in together, lived together and dated for another year, then he dumped me. I didn’t see it coming, I was devastated and felt like the 2 years we had spent together was a waste. I let go, I got my own apartment and lived independently and single. He called me just about every day and still wanted to talk, still said that he loved me even though I wouldn’t say it back. I would ignore his calls a lot of the time and even told him that I thought it would be best if we didn’t speak and he would be so upset so I agreed to hang out with him sometimes and he would say that he made a mistake and this went on for months until he finally asked if I would take him back. I still loved him as well and I really think that letting go was the best thing we could have done. We have been married for almost three years and have been together for 7 years counting our 4 month break up. I guess my point is, maybe he isn’t out to use you as a “friend with benefits”. Maybe he just needs time to sort things out with himself and figure out what he wants. He might want to keep in touch with you so that during this time you don’t completely lose touch and become strangers. He may still care about you but just not want to be with you at the moment for some reason. My husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up with me because he wanted to see what it was like to be single again and date other people. He did, and said that it felt wrong and that it just made him miss me and want to be with me more. I believe him because I dated and experienced the same feeling. Not sure how old you are but I think when your young and you become so committed to someone even if your heart tells you it’s right you brain, your rationale, friends, society, even family sometimes tells you it’s wrong because you’re too young. I guess to sum this up I don’t think it’s a bad idea or the other person neccessarily has bad intentions to keep in touch. Keep it strictly friends though, limit the amount of time you talk on the phone and the time you spend together. Absoulutely NO SEX! If he wants that then you need to tell him he needs to rethink his decision to break up, then give it some space. See what happens then, and even if he say’s he does want to be with you again tell him that you need some time to think about it (and really think about it). If the relationship can survive a separation and the two people still choose each other after having the option and getting a taste of freedom again, you know it’s golden:)
Gail says
Sonya –
Thanks for another viewpoint. When I first started reading the posts I thought “Wow! I really need to stay away from the guy who took a break from me!” Now I’m thinking that each situation needs to be evaluated on it’s own merit. Men and women are complex and one-size dosen’t necessarily fit all. I liked what you said about “Keep it strictly friends though, limit the amount of time you talk on the phone and the time you spend together. Absoulutely NO SEX!”. That makes sense. I think I’d add “guard your heart”. Be careful not to make this an excuse to stay in relationship that isn’t going anywhere, but also not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you’re on a “break” or a “breakup” date other people, date him (but follow Sonya’s suggestions about limits). If he wants to come back, lay down the ground rules, watch to see if actions and words go together and that he’s pursuing you. And from my personal experience…..so easily said, so difficult to do!!!!
LS says
There is absolutely no excuse for exploiting the venerability of another human being for your own benefit. He knows what he is doing. He wants sex until the real deal comes along. He knows you like him and that you will probably go along with it.
To the guys, the best example here is when a girl dumps you but still wants you to keep taking her out and paying, mowing the lawn every week and doing odd jobs around the house. All without the rest of the good parts of real relationship. Is that what you want.
Then think clearly and ask is that what she wants and deserves.
She deserves the very best life has to offer her.
The real deal.
I hope you find the one who deserves what you have to offer.
Illinoisgirl says
I agree with Sonya.
If a guy or woman just wants sex, that isn’t a real relationship anyway in my book. That is a one night stand, or a hook up.
I think the problem comes in when we get the two confused.
If you have had a real relationship, and he needs time to be single or find out what that is like, I say let him, if you are willing to wait and still have feelings. But I agree to not have sex with him at this point, or really, ideally, again until you are married or have a marriage committment.
chris prince says
@ Andrea – you said “there is no indication that the ex wants anything other than something platonic.”
Seeing as how you’re a take-what-people-say-literally-and-at-face-value kind of a woman, how’d you like to come over to my place and I can show you the vintage button collection I keep in my bedroom?
hunter says
…we like to keep in touch, because, once we stake our claim, we like to check on the herd….if you start seeing someone else, we will say,,,,,,, “why did you let the stallion in?”….
Dory says
I hooked up with a former boyfriend whom I hadn’t seen in over thirty years. I’ve been a widow for over 25 years and he had been divorced for over 9 years. Well , he cam to see me twice over the past 5 years – once his ex remarried. Up until then he had claimed to still be in love with her.
After his first visit, he claimed he just wanted to be friends- but we were intimate becaus he knew that I wanted it. I did- because it had been 18 years since I had been with a man, and for him it had been 9 yrs. So even though he claimed to want friendship only- I figured we must have clicked in some way. Saw him again a year later , and now just last week. When he came down it was for my daughter’s wedding, and he informed me that he was crazy in love with a woman he had been introduced to several months ago. I told him he should have stayed home, and never should have come to see me at this time. I really let him have it , and I told him that despite everything- we would have a great weekend and then I never wanted to see or hear from him again.
I am firmly convinced that the men who do things like this- see women who they don’t want to be involved with will keep doing it until they are told off. By the way he had to travel over 2000 miles and change his reservations several times so this wasn’t a casual deciision on his part. Now , I am convinced that if his love interest will have him she will regret it for the rest of her life- but at least he will be out of my life.
Anita says
Sounds very familiar Dory. See my posts in October. My ex boyfriend just sent me a very suggestive Christmas card suggesting we get together so he could see my tree and some new home improvements. But,he’s still seeing the woman from the walking group. I almost laughed out loud and completely ignored his card which went into the trash. No matter how old men are, they still behave like spoiled little boys and try to get away with as much as they can.
Illinoisgirl says
I have a question for Evan: do guys just need time to decide what they want, as in the blog above, and does this justify staying in touch with the woman they dateed and slept with previously?
I am confused…it sounds like some of these guys ARE players and are looking for sex only, but some might be truly confused.
In my case, I have been being contacted by my ex but I have not gotten together with him at all, barely have time to talk to him. He is back pursuing me and says he has broken up with the other woman now for about a month or so. He has flown me to visit my family. What should I do?
Selena says
Dory,
You meet up with a bf from 30 yrs. ago who tells you he wants to be friends, but you convince him to have sex with you. You see him a year later. Four years go by, and he flys 2000 miles to attend your daughter’s wedding and tells you he has fallen madly in love with a woman he met several months ago. And you are quite upset.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a man who has been stringing you along. With all due respect, it sounds like you have spent 5 years hoping for a romance that never materialized. I suppose he could have told you about the woman in his life before planning to attend the wedding, but maybe he thought telling you in person was an act of friendship?
I am mystified by women who think they have a deep relationship with men they seldom see in person. What did you think he was doing all those years between visits? In any case, I hope you find someone close to home that really does want to be more than just friends and a once in a blue moon sexual encounter.
sheseizereason says
Illinois- There’s no one foolproof bullshit-detector test, unfortunately. Some guys ARE players and are looking for sex only, but some might be truly confused. If your guy is reappearing in your life, you would be doing yourself a favor by being skeptical esp. if he hurt you once before. Like Evan says, it’s all in his actions, not his words. If he’s pursuing you again, you have to look or ask for confirmations that he’s serious.
It sounds like he’s making some solid gestures if he’s investing in plane tickets to fly you to your family. (Does he live in the same town as your family and do you live out of town?) Beyond spending the cash, tho’, you should be looking for him to state in no uncertain terms that he wants a committed relationship with you. It’s not unheard of for a man to shower a woman with generosity, but still be unable to make the most important promise to her.
***********
hunter – I’m confused by your herd/stallion analogy. Are you a shepherd or some sort of ranch hand in this scenario? Are we women mares or something? And if other men are stallions and it’s your, um, herd, is this some sort of kinky interspecies mating type of thing? Or are you an equine being too who is also animorphously capable of tending to a herd? M’be like in a Disney cartoon where Goofy’s a dog and Pluto’s one too, but one’s the pet and the other is the master which would make you Goofy in this analogy, btw… Oh dear, I’m afraid all your figurative speech can be just too much for my feeble little brain. Please do clarify ’cause us fillies are really trying to figure out how the whole thing works with you male ponies or mules or, er, asses.
Dory says
You know a person could have “love” feelings for someone without having the same feelings recipricated. It doesn’t lessen the feelingsif they are not returned. If the object of your affection knows how you feel, and he continues to encourage you to correspond, leaving the door open for future visits- I’m convinced that he doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
If a man really liked a woman as a friend( not romantically) he should be gracious enough to leave her alone so she doesn’t have to be reminded of him I don’t think anyone wants to be tortured by the person they are interested in. Who wants to know that the man is capable of having strong feelings for another woman?It certainly can’t give a person confidence. What I don’t understand is why men think they are being “honest” by telling someone who they know likes them that they are in love with another woman. I think they should enjoy their ne love and leave other women alone. Why would they even want to see another woman if they were so in love?
Selena says
I don’t know that it’s always about sex. Sometimes it might be just about missing the person who was in your life for a time. Perhaps having a subsequent relationship that was unsatisfactory and making comparisons.
To determine whether or not it’s a good idea to start seeing an ex again might depend on how long or short term the relationship was, and what the reasons were for the breakup in the first place. What has changed? Anything?
I don’t think the reasons for wanting to stay in touch are spurious necessarily, but they can be ambiguous, indecisive.
Julz says
I had the exact same thing happen. Dated a guy who said and acted like he was very attracted to me. When I admitted i had feelings for him he cooled things off without telling me the reasons. I was left sad and confused as he called a lot and we saw each other on weekends now the occasional phone call. Now he says he wants to be friends when we never were in the first place. I feel like he controlled the relationship from day one and I am supposed to go along with his feelings. Does he care about mine? He said he didn’t care about sex ( I was a virgin) because he was looking for a long term relationship. He said it would be easy for me to find someone else as I have all the qulities a guy would want in a woman. I don’t want to make excuses but he was going through some personal problems with the death of a parent and finding steady employment and also had a bad experience with a woman before meeting me. Is he scared of commitment or getting hurt? or is now not a good time for him to be in a relationship?
Selena says
Well Julz,
You’ve just joined a very big club. Many, many of us have had this experience where someone comes on strong, and just as we start to think there is really something there, they abruptly drop off the radar screen, or do a fade out as in the case with your guy. It really is confusing. We wonder what happened? How did we misread him? And we try to psychoanalyze possible motives, like fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, a bad time for him to be in a relationship.
If you read Evan’s blogs, you’ll see time and time again, that the reason simply comes down to he just wasn’t that into you. That phrase has become such a cliche I find it grating, but it’s true. Someone who is really interested in you wants to spend time with you, they don’t leave you hanging, they don’t string you along with only occasional phone calls.
I’m sure he meant it when he told you you have all the qualities a guy would want in woman, but that was a nice way of saying, even so, you’re not the woman for him. Go ahead an attribute all sorts of psychological problems to him if it makes you feel better. But know this, you WILL find someone else for whom you are the right woman and that guy will stick around.
Julz says
Thanks for the advice Selena. I found comfort in your words of wisdom. I think i already knew that he wasn’t that into me anymore it is just really hard to admit it to yourself. Men really need to understand how their actions affect women emotionally and how it prevents them from fully appreciating great guys when they come do along. Evan’s reponses are great but sometimes it feels like women are supposed to tippy-toe around men so we don’t hurt their feelings. What about telling them how much they have hurt or deceived us? They are not little boys.
Selena says
Well Julz, I’m almost gung ho on the idea of you calling this guy to tell him how much he hurt and deceived you. Almost. Because I’m not sure he actually deceived you. It sounds like you dated just long enough for you to become attached and for him to decide you just weren’t the girl for him. It also sounds like he attempted to let you down easy (he said it would it would be easy for you to find someone else because you have all the qualities a guy would want in a woman). How do you think he should have handled it? How would you have handled it if you felt you just weren’t into him?
The point of dating as I see it, is to see if we really connect with that other person. Sometimes we find after a period of dating, that we just don’t– long term is not in the cards. And so we have to tell them that. Is there any *good* way to do that? Any way that doesn’t hurt the other person’s feelings if they hoped the relationship would continue?
We want someone we are attracted to to show interest. If they don’t, we figure they just aren’t into us from the get go. The confusing thing is, that mutual interest may be high in weeks 1-3, but possibly not so much by week 6 and by week 10 we have figured out this other person just isn’t the one for us for whatever reason. We just don’t know on week 1 how we will feel on week 10. If *it* isn’t there mutually, we can feel used, ‘played’, that our time was wasted. And this happens with both nice guys and nice girls who never set out to deliberately hurt someone else.
It might be cool to have a crystal ball to look into and see just exactly how long we will be into each other, but then again maybe not. So we go on, and eventually we do find someone who ‘sticks’, and to whom we stick with as well. It’s happened to me before and I expect it will again. And for you too.
Julz says
I agree with the sentiments mostly but I think when you’re in the position you don’t see it that clearly. I don’t think it is that cut and dry though. Before you ask, No I am not hanging to him in the hope that he changes his mind or if nothing better comes along. I don’t want a guy to do that to me, I won’t allow it. I didn’t think he played me in a deliberate way but he set the tone of the relationship-touching, kissing, etc then telling me we should be friends later on the same night. I think there was a very strong mutual attraction and it is hard to see that dissappear. But that’s my own pride. If you say friends, mean it.
Selena says
Touching and kissing and then the “let’s just be friends” speech later the same night? Talk about mixed messages. What’s up with that? I’d be pissed. Maybe this guy really does have psychological problems.
I know what you mean about it being hard to see a mutual attraction disappear, it does hurt your pride, if not your heart. It’s happened to me a few times. My post above was geared toward the nature of short term relationships–that initial attraction doesn’t always *hold*. I’ve been on both sides of that as well. Never gets any easier when you are the one who still has ‘the feelings’ and the other person doesn’t.
Dory says
Well, I can sympathize with you regarding confusion about someone’s feelings. The funny thing is that I don’t think the guy actually knows how he feels. I think his feelings might change from moment to moment. The problem lies when we ( women) are so dependent on how the guy treats us. Who cares if they don’t want to have a romance- someone else will eventually come along- the problem is we don’t want to admit defeat, and we keep trying to convince him that we are the right person for him.
If the sparks are not mutual- he should be man enough to move on and let you find someone better suited for a relationship. What annoys me is the guy who wants to keep you on a string that he reels in and then lets go. He’s playing and the person he’s playiong with is you.
By the way- it feels great to tell the guy who is doing this that he is an ass. BAsically he needs to be told off and you need to get rid of him from your thoughts.
verbosity says
I’m going to boil it down to it’s essence…..
JD has been relegated to the guy’s bullpen. That is why most men would continue contact.
Julz says
Thankyou Selena and Dory you both make a lot of sense and your advice has been very comforting. It is nice to know that others can relate to a problem and can offer real, heartfelt advice. Thanks again and best of luck to you both!
Illinois girl says
Hi All,
I saw him, and my guy is saying that he wants to come back, and when I pressed him he said that he had decided he wanted to see other people last year, but that our relationship was the only one that was any good. He wants to come here to be closer as he lives in another state. I want to give him another chance, but I am afraid he will do this again. What do you suggest? I am still very attracted to him and we get along well. He was very recently divorced when we dated a year or so ago. Time has passed and the feelings are still there.
Illinois Girl
Selena says
Illinoisgirl-
Before getting back with an ex, I believe it’s wise to examine in depth why you broke up in the first place–are those reasons still there? In your first post you said he went cold after 6mos. He says it’s because he wanted to see other people? That might not be completely unreasonable given that he was fresh out of a divorce when you started dating. I dunno. Still hurt you though.
Point is, can you trust his sincerity about only wanting you now? The fact he’s willing to move to be near you says something. I suggest alot of talking to determine if his feelings are really about YOU and not just about having ‘someone’.
Elrena says
Does this apply if the guy had to leave the country?
I met this guy 3 weeks before he left the country I am in. We clicked well despite of the huge gap in our cultures, lifestyle and environments. He wanted to keep in touch and said that without any doubt we would have been together if we were in the same country. When he left, we both cried. Both of us have to deal with certain things on our own at the moment and we are not interested in having a long-distance relationship. He did make efforts to keep in touch, letters and messages, almost weekly – it’s been only 1 month since he left. Have I fallen in the same situation? that I’ve become a backup – a possible vacation good-time partner?
I did let him, as Evan said. I wonder if I should keep letting this way. I’d love to have your views on this.
just plain confused says
Hi, I came across this thread seaching for my own answers to a similar dilemna. Here is the short version, if possible. I met this guy on an internet dating site. He persued me, I gave him a chance. We met, “dated” for six weeks. We held hands, kissed and hugged….NOTHING MORE!!! We would tease each other about sex, but we both wanted to get to know each other better before we went to the next step. Well much to my chagrin, one day out of the blue….I get a phone call. Basically he says this…”My ex gf says she is possibly carrying my baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would like it if we just put “us” on hold until the baby is born.” He tells me this over the phone!!! I was thinking WTF???? Sad part was, the night before, I came to the conclusion that I was falling in love with him. I hadn’t felt like this about one person in a VERY long time….and then…..WHOOSH….the rug pulled from under my feet. Being that he told me all of this over the phone, I felt that it was really hard to tell if he was lying to me….so we met up a few days later to “discuss” the impending situation. As I read his body language, he was still telling me he was interested. I said to him, just cause she may or may not be carrying your child doesn’t mean “we” have to end. He said that is what makes this even harder for him. He says that I am a beautiful person inside and out. He would love to persue a future with me, but right now, is not the time. So….we agreed to be “just friends.” Ok so now we are friends….he calls me everday, calls me little pet names, and still talks with me like we are a couple!!! How is that supposed to feel. I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, and stating I need some time away from him. It would be the best for both of us. I even gave him my blessing if he should chose to get back with her. Did I mention that she had dumped him to get back with her ex? When I first heard what he had told me I was thinking…wow….and I thought Jerry Springer was made up!!!! He said he wants to “spare” me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to “date” other men. Well it’s been two weeks since then, I have been talking to a few other men, but I still feel an allegience to him. I know that if I tell him that I am dating some one, he would be upset. I truly care about him, and he says the same, but still I have doubts about him. When he calls me, we just shoot the shet, normal small talk, have a good day and stuff like that. Sometimes we even share past stories in our lives just like we had before we were in the friends zone.
If he has let me go, why continue to talk to me if he really didn’t care? Do I boost his ego so much that he has me here to feel better about himself?
I have talked it over with my girlfriends and some have mixed feelings. Only one of my friends tells me to just drop him and run.
I am not that type of person to sit and judge someone for something that has happened prior to meeting me. They had broken up 2 months before I came into the picture. Now she is 4 months pregnant. She refuses to get any inutero dna testing, she wants to wait until the baby is born. She swears it is his baby, and when she got back with her ex, she ALWAYS made him wear a condom and there is NO WAY it could be his….hmmmm condoms break…but what ever!!!
So this is my quandry. Do I date the men that are persuing me, and go through the motions (and wishing I was with him) while I am still hung up on this other man or do I just say…I AM FREE, come and get me and forget all about the other guy? It is so hard for me to tell my heart to stop feeling for him!!!!
I have discussed this with one man, unfortunately I can’t really rely on his opinion because he would like to persue a furture with me. But to sum it up, he says that this man is just making excuses and is holding on to me “just in case” and that I should persue someone else who can be there for me in every way.
Please advise.
Just plain confused!!!!
Li-Ann says
You sound like a wonderful person and I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Please re-read what Evan wrote and all the earlier posts.
You wrote: “He said he wants to spare me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to date other men. ”
At least he was honest enough to say that. Some men want to see other women, but hold you as a back-up. However, unfortunately, that tells a lot. No guy who was deeply in love with someone would greenlight them to date other men. A guy who was in love would worry that he could lose you forever.
Also, you said that you could be there for him after the baby was born, wait for him and be ready to restart the relationship when he feels ready. Here you have offered him an incredible deal and what sounds like a good option to deal with his new situation. You are willing to wait for him. Again, I think a guy that was seriously interested, would take that deal. He’d do anything just to know he could have you. I can’t know what is really happening, and I hope I’m wrong about this, but maybe he has some unresolved feelings for this woman.
Please re-read the other posts. I know what you are going through, and I remember how hard it was to hear the same thing from a man “you are so beautiful, you are a wonderful person…” Despite the fact that his speech sounded so lovely, if you sum it all up, what would happen next is that I’d cry, and then I’d never hear from the guy again who was afraid of my reaction. Had I been sweet and nice and totally understanding like you were, I’m sure the same guy would feel comfortable calling me later on to chat about their life, new girlfriends, and generally keeping me as a back up. Since you have been so friendly and understanding, he feels comfortable to keep in touch.
I still hope it turns out well for you, but please don’t underestimate the natural desire of men (and women) to hold on to someone as a backup.
Selena says
Just Plain Confused,
I think he’s trying to do you a kindness by not getting romantically involved with you at this time. He and his ex may have unresolved feelings for each other they will be working out during the pregnancy and after the baby is here. Bear in mind, they were broken up for ONLY 2 mos. when you entered the picture. They may try reconcilling for the sake of a baby on the way. Do you even know if she wants him back? He may not want to do anything to jeopardize being in his child’s life, if it is indeed his.
I know you have developed strong feelings for him and it hurts to be put on hold, but think how much MORE hurt you would be if he became romantically involved with you, only to later decide his place was with her and the baby. He’s right, the timing here is just bad. And I suspect if you were dating him, you would spend the next year feeling insecure because of this situation.
If it’s painful for you to be “just friends” with him, break that off. Tell him to contact you at some point after the baby is born if and when he is free for another relationship. Go on about your life, have fun with your friends. You don’t have to rush right out and find a boyfriend, nothing wrong with being single, meeting people, and letting whatever happens, happen. Trying to ‘force’ anything almost always backfires.
Illinois Girl says
Dear Just Plain Confused,
I would definitely move on. That is just me but I would not hang on to any hope at all for this relationship.
This guy needs to figure out what he is doing, and if he is going to be a father to his baby. This is going to take time.
Meanwhile, he is telling you to move on, so I would do it.
Hot Alpha Female says
You know what i reckon hes thinking?
Basically he wants to have his cake and eat it too …
Still remain in contact with you, maybe hang out with you .. yet not have to have all the problems of an actual relationship
He’s scared about commitment. He doesn’t know what he wants. Hes an idiot, plain and simple. A confused one. Maybe more than you.
While he may be all these things, at some point we also have to take accountability for our own actions too.
Your need to be able to reflect on what happened and ask yourself if there was anything that YOU did that would have prompted him to get scared.
Men can be quite tentative when it comes to starting relationships and if they hear any signs that you are more into them they they are you .. well they go running .. and they go running fast!
So while i think that you should ditch this guy and find someone better, i would also ask yourself is there is anything that you could have learned from the experience to see that you don’t make any of the same mistakes in the future.
Hot Alpha Female
just plain confused says
Hello everyone!
Thank you for your honesty and englightenment. I really appreciate it 😀
However, last night was amazing!!!! Not only did I have one date, I had two! Talk about a waterfall of men…hahahhahah The first date I had last night was ok. But….when I was driving home from that one, a man that I had really wanted to see called me up and we met for a drink. It was the first time I actually met him in person. I met him from the same dating website. He had persued me back in November, he had gotten a new job that prevented him from actually getting to see me. But we still kept in touch here and there. When we were there talking, it seemed as if we were old friends and that time wasn’t even a factor. We felt extremely comfortable in each other’s company!!! The whole time I was talking to him, I had completely forgotten the other dude I originally wrote about. NO GUILT FEELINGS EITHER!!!! It’s not that I forgot about, I will call him Tony, it’s just that it was time for me to move on! For what ever agenda or reason he has to keep me on the back burner so to speak is for his reasons only. I will probably never know, and at this point, nor do I care anymore!
I think Tony is more concerned if I don’t want him in MY life. So for the time being, I will keep a low profile. Not return his calls when he beckons for me and so on. Plus I will be too busy with my new friend to be concerned.
I am not a cold hearted person, I just would like to be with some one who isn’t indecisive. If you want to be with me, and I want to be with you…then there you have it! No reason to beat around the bush and keep teasing someone for your own benefit.
To all the other people that have and may experience this similar situation………DON’T SETTLE!!!!! Life IS entirely too short and to be miserable about what could have been is even worse! Just pick yourself up, dust off, and get back into the swing of things. Good things are out ther for you…….Only if you are out there to greet them!
GOOD LUCK TO ALL!
just plain confused……NOT ANYMORE!!!!
starthrower says
Girls-take-your-power-back!
If-a-guys-ends-it-then-it’s-done….take-authority-over-that-situation-and-get-free-of-it….if-he-has-an-epiphany-and-comes-running-back-to-you-make-him-work-for-it.
SpeakTruth says
Starthrower i totally totally agree!!! We need to start taking back our own control instead of handing it over to the guys on a silver platter.
Give them the challenge!!!
starthrower says
I’m-honestly-not-anti-male-or-a-who-needs-a-man-type….but-we-teach-others-how-to-treat-us-and-others-will-usually-take-the-path-of-least-resistance-if-we-let-them.
For-example-I-have-had-a-guy-who-drifted-in-and-out-and-he-disappeared-again….I-will-not-go-chasing-after-him….either-he-will-get-serious-or-he-won’t-and-someone-will-come-along-who-will….meanwhile-I-have-a-full-and-happy-life-so-a-guy-is-icing-on-the-cake.
Is-it-true-men-have-options…sure-they-do…but-women-have-them-too!
Another Confused Gal says
Dear all, I have read most of the posts here with changing moods from post to post, maybe a sign that I myself am still pretty much struggling to ditch the guy or still hold on to the hope.
Well, the thing is I’m doing a postgrad program which requires me to be in 2 foreign countries for the whole period of 3 semesters. I met a very shy foreign (local) guy last semester (1st) who lived on the same floor sharing the same kitchen in the dorm and we talked, started to hang out, flirted and finally dated. One night after the whole day together he confessed his feelings for me and I did for him. We went to his room, talking about our feelings and made out. We agreed to be official and he promised me to make this work. The next morning he suddenly became solemn and said he needed time. Apparently he was too hurt from his ex cheating on him and was afraid to move on with another commitment. I got so angry with him that I refused to talk to him for a few days. After a lot of crying, I realised later that he wasn’t at all the deceiving type and that he was very hurt as well (he even cried with my best friend who also lived on the same floor). I started to talk to him, discussed things and decided we would try to avoid each other (since living together made everything harder) and became strictly corridormates until he really got over his ex and got out of his long depression. But very often I caught him staring at me (and looked away when I caught him) and listened to every word I said to other corridormates (I know because he remembered everything I said). Sometimes we talked as friends (deep but still awkward friends). He treated me differently from other corridormates (sometimes super nice sometimes making it obvious in avoiding me) and opened up to me even though I didn’t even ask (He’s a workaholic who doesn’t have much social life and a very reserved person which also means he didn’t see anyone either). I was tormented with this mess for the rest of the semester. The day I had to leave for 2nd semester in another country he asked me when I would be back (for the last semester…but didn’t mention the future). We said goodbye awkwardly. Then, realising it might be my last chance, I asked him to kiss me, he did, very long and passionately. After settling in a new country for 2 weeks, I emailed him in a friendly (but still deep and awkward) way. He expressed surprise at first. We keep contacting by email ever since (mostly about our feelings with life…not with each other)…until last month he told me that he went out clubbing (which he never did) and felt happy for no reason for the first time and just thought I should know that. We started getting more comfy with each other as he opened up more. Until just a week ago I confessed my feelings for him IN THE PAST and told him that I’m now perfectly happy with our friendship. He wrote back saying that his friends convinced him to try internet dating and so far he got one date (which didn’t work out) but was happy that the date symbolised his complete breakaway from his ex. He said that it was fun meeting new people, but as for relationships, he agreed with me that it has to be truly meaningful with a few special people one rarely finds in life, and he said he also considered me (using present tense) that I’m one of the special people. What should I do?
LF says
Thanks for this website! Venturing out dating 10 yrs after my divorce, two months ago I succumbed to the chox and valentine’s card and invitation for coffee from a guy at work, 17yrs younger. He’d been leaving them on my desk off and on for a couple years. Yes, I am vulnerable but I’m also human. After a couple nice dates I asked him where he saw the relationship going. He kept giving me huge hugs and my feelings for him were all over the place. (He’s leaving for Iraq in a couple months). So, we became intimate and looking back, that’s where Mr Charming left and Mr Horny FWB arrived. I haven’t thought a sane logical thought since early March, due to fabulous sex.
Anyhow, I became more and more annoyed and suspicious of his cellphone. He was constantly checking it and he was careful I could never hear his conversations. Our relationship ended last week when had a big fight. I called to apologize, and he said not to worry he wasn’t mad. We made a date for the following day but he never showed. I left a message on his phone to say call me if he wanted to go out. I haven’t heard from him since – dissappeared.
I developed some surprisingly powerful feelings for this jerk. I am slowly regaining my marbles, and in between those steamy flashbacks I wonder what on earth kept me with this guy. I don’t know now what to believe of the guff he told me, and what was rubbish.
I’d love to hear your views….
Adventurer says
Okay, let’s start out by celebrating that we love too much, too deeply, too authentically and that we are able to invest the very best of ourselves (repeatedly in some cases) while we are in relationships with individuals that don’t deserve it. I think that we should all be commended for that. However, when all of that love and energy isn’t being reciprocated or respected and the red flags start going up, it becomes a case of co-dependency and results in very unhealthy behavior.
It’s at that time that we need to take a HUGE step away and nurture ourselves. To become centered, self-focused (not self-centered) and practice bending all of that terrific energy we have been spilling in all the wrong directions and wrong people back onto ourselves.
People who “love you” do not treat you unkindly. People who care about you do not intentionally bring chaos into your life. More importantly, you do NOT let them do this to you because you care more for yourself than they expect! Yes, we do “teach people how to treat us.” We set boundaries around that wonderful love we have to offer, and we share it with only those individuals who respect and cherish it.
Let’s face it, we’re all going to make mistakes. I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to fabricating illusion out of reality, but geez, if we don’t act differently in the future as a result of all of the pain and heartache, that’s the deepest sort of self wounding. Sure, there’s that one in a million chance that s/he will change the second time around, but the deck is already stacked against you – back away from the inhumane game! Find a fresh start that’s healthier than the last one and begin anew with higher expectations of yourself, the relationship and – gasp – the next person you are going to invest remarkable you into.
Who cares about all of these flakes/losers/cheats/users/whatevers that dump us with little or warning. I really like the previous posters’ observation that every moment we spend thinking about them is waste time that we could be investing into ourselves or finding someone who does deserve our attentions and love.
RG says
Well said! This is an affirmative and constructive post.
hunter says
to adventurer,
To sum up, try not to bare your soul…..LOL!
pericles says
In this past month, I had to write an email to someone who wanted out of the relationship last September (of ’07) but kept emailing me on and off for awhile afterwards. Then, just last month, he posted to a thread on the forum where he and I met, indicating in his post that he was still emotionally invested in our relationship. I hadn’t heard from him in 4 months at the point when I discovered this post. After being very upset about this for about 2 weeks, and thinking it all through, I sent him a response that said either come back and let’s put this back together again, or have the decency to leave me alone completely to get over him. I haven’t heard back from him, and I doubt I will. I think the open-door policy after a bad breakup is a self-destructive idea. What I should have done was not respond to any of his early emails, but I was so in love at that point, I couldn’t say no. I now realise that was a mistake, and I wish I’d had the strength to avoid him completely. By answering any of his early emails back in September and October, I was giving my own power away. One of the things I have learned is that the confusion the other person has can only be sorted out by them. As others who have posted here have said, very wisely, there are breaks that are necessary in every difficult situation, and some of those breaks lead back to the relationship, and some don’t. How to tell the difference? It’s not that hard, actually. It all comes down to their behavior. The poster who said that men aren’t that complicated is completely accurate; they aren’t. When they back away, that’s your cue to also back off, and go live your life (which you should have been living the whole time anyway) and not give them anything they’re not giving you. The key is detachment. That’s the hard part, when you’re madly in love, but their commitment is lacking or limited by their own inabilities to love equally. And try to remember, they (usually) came into the relationship with those problems; you didn’t create them, and they will bring those problems with them into every relationship they enter. You’re only responsible for your part of what went wrong, not theirs.
Alice says
Hi All,
Thanks for everyone who responded to the above relationship problems, i have really enjoyed the whole stuff and its a joy to learn that there are people outside going through the same problems i am going through and they are willing to help!
I have just broken up with my bf and was wondering what to do next. But after reading all your knowledgeable advice, I have learned to let go, stop calling my bf and walk with my head high because i got my whole life a head of me to lead. Thanks, keep it up!!!!
CHEERS
pericles says
Evan asked the question, have you ever dumped someone… and the answer is, yes, I have. And when I have dumped someone, I do not go back. I do not contact him, call him, email or text him. I figure, it’s over, and the reason I dumped him is because it wasn’t working out and it was never going to work out, and it was clear for both of us to see. Which is why it will always baffle me that people go back to someone they have dumped. If you weren’t sure of what you were doing, why take such a drastic step? Pure silliness. Understandable, but still badly thought out.
Terry says
Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences on the subject. I am going to start living my life again. I was just dumped by a man that I fell in love with. As he dumped me, he told me he has no feelings for me and never did. He wants to remain friends, but after reading these posts, I know I do not want to see him or hear from him ever again. I am now going to move on. Life is too short to dwell on negative experiences. Gd helped me to see that this man was not for me.
pericles says
The more time has gone by, the more I’ve thought that the reason someone would try to stay in touch with you has to do at least partially with a combined feeling of guilt, but also, they’re just not sure they’re making the right decision. They want to keep their options open. If you’re okay with the guy doing this, then fine. But I know for me that someone doing that feels like they’re using you, and in the beginning of any relationship, although I would like to be the kind of person who is totally understanding of all foibles, I am inclined to move on and find someone who is more sure of what they want. If it’s not me, their lack of interest and passion is more than evident, and it’s time for me to find someone else.
JerseyGirl says
That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels”
—————————————————————————–
“If she lets me get away with this..”, as if he was a two year old with no responsiblity for his actions. Why are women responsible for their own actions and for men’s actions as well? This kind of stuff makes it hard not to build up resentment for men.
Just Dumped says
Hey everyone. I am the silly girl who wrote the question to Evan above. Ah yes, I remember it well. I ended up dating the guy again for another couple of months. He flew home to visit family for Christmas, came back a month later and dumped me the following day. Do I regret getting back together with him? Not really. Have I learned from it? Definitely.
I think what he did to me overall was a really crappy thing and don’t make any excuses for it or him. However, I still do think he was a pretty great guy. I learned though through this process of being duplicate-dumped by one guy, that I deserve far more than what he ever gave me.
JuJu says
Selena (post 55),
I had a conversation with a female acquaintance once in which she complained that women in America (the West in general (and we two were born elsewhere)) perhaps have achieved too much sexual freedom for their own good. She cited this one example where the guy disappeared after having sex with her, and she thought he should have understood that for her it’s a serious step, and that he at least owed her the courtesy of an explanation.
To which I said, “well, what could he have POSSIBLY told you in this situation that would have made you feel better about yourself (and your ‘relationship’ with this man) than his silence?”
Jersey Girl (post 82),
as if women never use men for anything? Really, now. Why so much anger?
And, finally, OP,
the reason this guy did not want to commit to you could very well be that you did not consider himself worthy of him (and I think Evan could address this, but then, he is a dating coach, not a psychotherapist). Who wants to be with someone who openly professes themselves inferior?
JuJu says
Did not consider *your*self worthy of him.
I was in a rush. 😉
Just Dumped says
JuJu . . .
I think that Evan and most others misinterpreted my original post when I said that I wasn’t really sure why he was dating me in the first place . . . I didn’t mean to imply that I was or am inferior to him. Perhaps I should have elaborated on that fact at the time of my original post. What I meant was that while we always had a great time together, we were two very different people. He was all businessy and I am more of the creative type (hence why I usually ended up with the musicians and artists who aren’t really going anywhere). Reading it now though, I can see why everyone has read into it what they have.
Having said ALLLLL of that . . . if you read my post (#83) you’ll see that I don’t really feel that after everything, that he was even worthy of me. 🙂
Mini-Me says
I find that it is sooooo hard to understand many things about relationships, but I do understand one thing about men. They can only handle one emotion at a time if they are lucky. They don’t feel anything, except how good sex is…. Men are natural breeders, they hunt and they breed, and then they wonder if their breeding was good or not, if they feel it wasn’t, they go nuts and breed even more, and if they think they did breed well, they still go nuts and breed more. Men don’t care if they hurt a woman, remember they don’t feel anything. If he dumps you quietly out of the blue he’s gone, he doesn’t care because he didn’t care in the
first place. They already know that there is a big chance that a woman will fall for them, they know that a woman will care for them, and so that is the tool they use, they know they will hurt you, they know that for sure, but don’t have the guts to tell you that they were only breeding. Men are cowards! They lie to themselves, and they lie to you. A woman is the one who is caring, honest, has courage, unselfish. Do you really think that a man wants to spare you feelings? Not! if he did, he wouldn’t do what he already knows will hurt you. He wouldn’t even try, but he is a breeder, and that is the only thing he has on his mind! They are insecure because they know that they can’t feel emotions, except fear of rejection, that’s why they suck you in, lie to you, and dump you like your worthless. They know that they are the ones that are worthless. The only thing they are good for is breeding, so maybe if you are crazy enough to hop in the sack with him, you just might get a baby out of the deal to love, and care for, but he won’t help you feed it, because he’s too busy hunting the next breeding ground. Men are not smart, they are not men, they are just boys, and until they die, that’s all they will ever be. Their brain is between their legs. Don’t be stupid and hop in the sack with a man unless you just what to be used, or have a baby. Other than that, take care of yourself, and enjoy life. You don’t need a man, or sex to enjoy life, but men need a woman or whatever to enjoy life, they can’t make it on their own, that’s pretty sad. They were made that way, they can’t help it, Bull!!!! A man is in it for himself, not for you, and when he is done with you, at least he can say to himself, at least I got what I wanted. It’s too bad she is hurt, but she should have known better, I’m a man, all I want is sex, I got lucky, she is too stupid to know that all I wanted was sex it was a good breeding day for me! I’m out-a- here!!!!
JustJennifer11 says
Wow… Just… Wow….
AllHeart81 says
Men are human beings with as diverse an emotional range as women. Even when they don’t outwardly express them. Your comments are misanderistic and insulting. I don’t even understand how this comment made it though. Many men feel deeply, love deeply, protect those they love and so much more. Clearly you are hurting but that does not justify your grossly, disgusting and sexist comments. And they don’t represent men. Not even close.
JuJu says
Mini-Me,
how is that mindset working out for ya?
I so relate says
Hi,
This thread has helped me gain insight into my situation. I met a guy from a dating site. He made it no secret that he was so into me, would text me everyday, call me “Sweetie”, and so on. I was not super into him in the beginning but decided to keep dating him to see what develops.
Well, I did start developing feelings for him that I have not felt in a LONG time. But then, he started cooling down and I started getting the mixed messages. Sometimes he really seemed like he was REALLY into me and then other times he seemed so obviously NOT into me. He finally told me that he wanted to be friends since he did not know where he was going to be in the next few years. He has been in the US for 2 years but had a desire to go back to his home country. I respected his candor and did not want to stand in the way of what he wanted. I was relieved to at least know what was going on, the guessing I thought was over. I agreed to be his friend since I do enjoy his company.
We still would see each other, maybe once a week. He would tap kiss me on my lips. I figured that may not really mean anything, friends can be affectionate to a point, right? But another time we went out and he held my hand and started making out with me, telling me that he missed me. This is when I should have asked him what was up. But I DIDN’T ASK HIM, I just ASSUMED that although we were friends, he still harbored feelings for me. He confided to me that another women really hurt him in a relationship and it is hard for him to open himself up in a relationship (awwwww…..). He did not tell me the details (who she was, what she did, etc.). I was okay with it since I figured that he just needed to take things slow with me. He assured me that he was not seeing other women besides me. We shared a beautiful romantic evening and I knew the sparks were still there. I am not promiscuous and did not want to have sex right away, but when I thought was hope for us, I had sex with him and he told me that he cared about me a lot.
But he was still being fickle. The ball was firmly in his court and he was in the driver’s seat. He would see me when he wanted to see me, but if I wanted to be with him and there was something better going on with his friends, he would bar none choose them over me. He and his roommate had a party recently for a Rosh Hashana holiday (we are both Jewish). He did not invite me. Out of 18 people on the guest list, I was not invited. I was REALLY hurt. I felt like, I was not a girlfriend and not even a “friend”, I was beneath that in his sight.
I really started thinking about things, figuring out what we really are–but unassertive at the same time by not directly asking him. I think a mixture of hope and unassertiveness is to blame for much of our situations. I came to the conclusion that I was a FWB (DUH?!) basically around to serve his needs when he wanted some female companionship. I suppose it did not dawn on me at first, since you think of the stereotypical FWB as being all about sex and ours was not. He would take me out on dates and although we would kiss and fool around, we only had sex that one time. Not being on his guest list for his party when a week before we had sex, I felt so stupid.
I could not totally blame him, since I know that I should have been assertive enough to directly ask him what was going on when he was crossing the boundaries of the “friend zone”. But this past couple of weeks I really reached my limit. This past weekend we discussed getting together on Saturday. He did not call me until 9:30 PM since he was with his friends (big surprise). I did not disguise my disgust in my voice. I did not have to rant and rave, cursing and calling names. He knew by my tone that he was no longer on my list of favorite people, putting it mildly. He asked me if I could see him on Sunday. I said okay and that I would call him.
I knew that I had to talk to him about this and it was better to do it in person. I knew that this was the time. We met at for coffee and since Yom Kippur was coming up, and this is a time to make sure that you ask forgiveness of anyone you have wronged. He knew that he was wrong in what he was doing. He told me how sorry he was for hurting me. I told him about how I felt in all of the mixed messages and not being invited to events, him preferring to be with his friends and not me, etc., etc. He told me that everything that I said and felt was correct and that he was totally wrong for it. He said that I deserve a man better than him. He told me about a girl who really hurt him in a past relationship (still no details, but I found out they dated for 2 months). He said the mixed messages was due to his fickle feelings. There were times that he felt everything was perfect between us, romantic, sparks, etc. But other times, he did not feel it. He said that just because he tells me that he wants to be friends now does not mean that feelings will not resurface, due to his fickleness in relationships now. There were times he honestly missed me but other times that he did not. He said that he was not like this before he was hurt so badly from this other girl. He said that he used to be very attentive and would give himself 100% to past girlfriends but he cannot do that now. He again told me that he is not seeing other girls and that other girls he was seeing previous to me during this period in his life were just for fun and lasted a week or so and he would just dump them. He said he saw something special in me that he did not see in those other girls so that is why he kept seeing me. Maybe it is easier to dump a “slut” than someone he deems a “good girl”? He told his family back in his country about me and they were really happy he was seeing me. He told me that he does not see this girl who hurt him in a romantic way anymore, he only feels contempt towards what she did to him.
I told him I could possibly be friends with him but boundaries have to be respected. I cannot handle him kissing me and feelings getting stirred up for nothing. He agreed. I also told him that he needs, for his sake, to find someone he trusts to talk about this hurt he experienced with this girl and find a way to get past it.
After I met with him, my feelings of anger towards him turned into sympathy and feeling that he really is a great guy after all and maybe there is hope for us. Damn, he is smooth, he knew all the right things to say!!
In conclusion, maybe he can get through his issues and will be able to handle a relationship. We may be friends and have a good friendship and when he is ready he may choose me…….or he may choose someone else. His issues may be holding him back (like he is saying) or I just may not be “it” for him. I cannot hold a torch for him and put all my chips down on an uncertain bet. I have to keep my options open to other possibilities. I can remain friends with him but I must enforce the boundaries (which can be difficult) and if he wants me back, he has to be at a point when he is really ready and NOT FICKLE!!!! As much as I hope for that to happen, I have to accept that may never happen. (sigh….)
Kate says
Hoooo, BOY!!
Am I glad I stumbled upon this thread! I have obtained some fantastic insights and bits of advice from everyone here and I commend ALL of you for your candor. I have been experiencing many of the same things as far as fwb’s, emotional rollercoaster rides and rebound booty calls/patch-work relationships. To reach back into 2007, the best advice was NTBFOTP. AWESOME!! I wish I had that kind of advice a year ago. To place my sitch into cliff-notes, I will say that I prematurely fell in lust with a man I met online during my divorce in 2006. I didn’t give myself enough time to heal, but I was so hungry for affection and attention. We clicked on so many levels and we fell into each other physically… but I fell emotionally. Alas, he did not go in the same direction. To his credit, he did say that I had a lot of healing to do before I could get involved with anyone and he wasn’t going to commit or string me along since this wasn’t fair to him or me. Since he was twice-divorced and had several serious relationships go horribly sour, he was wary… and he seemed to speak from experience. So I was patient. As impatient as I am and as much as I wanted him, he was right. I had to deal with litigation, custody and the care of my children. We kept seeing each other until summer of 2007. I asked for some sort of a commitment and he said …NO. His reasoning was this: He wasn’t interested in other women. He wanted to see only me. Commitments in the classic sense mean nothing; a commitment is more of what a person does (or doesn’t do) during the course of a relationship. Double-speak? Not sure.
Do I believe he is loyal to us? Absolutely. It’s a question of gut-feeling. When the concept of romantic love is introduced into the female psyche, common sense (and at times, self-worth) gets thrown into the nosebleed section. Fast-forward to today ~ I am still battling in the courts regarding custody, I am attending school (again), and I am still seeing so-and-so. I love him very much. He is still wary … though he took the plunge and told me he loved me on several occasions this past year… a HUGE step for him. He knows that I will NEVER remarry. I will always keep my own space. My kids come first. But children grow. Things change. He HAS hurt me before by saying “good-bye” when I asked for the “C” word… and like a love-struck fool, I let him back in when he knocked. But he’s not a player. He’s a confused and scarred person like myself who only wants someone to understand him, laugh with him and have the most incredible sex on the planet. Not every man doesn’t care ~ he just doesn’t KNOW what he really wants, emotionally speaking.
That being said, I will also say that the time spent with him has drained me… yet empowered me. I know myself and what I am capable of accomplishing in life. I know how “the game” goes if he pulls away and tells me he needs “space”. NTBFOTP. A guy that truly loves a woman won’t play that bullshit song-and-dance. That dance was over in high school. I do love him, but not enough to allow my focus, sanity or self-worth to take a back seat. Time will tell. Thanks for looking in!
JerseyGirl says
” Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us. ” – Evan
This sounds like women are expected to hold more of the responsibility AND blame for the actions on the guys part? Wow. Why do guys do something..because we let them? No offense but this is sounds like you don’t expect men to hold any responsiblity for themselves.
Evan Marc Katz says
Assigning blame to men is useless, Jersey. All a woman can do is change her reactions to men – not change men themselves. Which is why complaining about men is futile. If you don’t like that a man booty calls you, break up with him. If you don’t like that a man doesn’t become your boyfriend after six months, break up with him. If you don’t want to be in a four year relationship without a ring, break up with him. Way too much time and energy is wasted on telling men that they’re wrong and that they should take responsibility. Stop wishing for a guy to take responsibility for your happiness. Take responsibility yourself. If you don’t like how you’re treated, leave him.
JerseyGirl says
Assigning blame might be useless but basic responsiblity isn’t. I don’t expect men to take responsiblity for my happiness. If I am not happy with how a man treats me, I do leave. However, your logic is basically that women should and actually do hold more of the responsiblity, even for the actions of grown adult men.
Evan Marc Katz says
Jersey,
If you’re going to refer to “my logic”, you should get it correct: you have no responsibility for how he acts. He does.
But since you can’t control him and can only control yourself, there’s no point in banging that drum over and over about men taking responsibility. Telling people like me to “tell men to take responsibility!” is like me telling you to create a world in which women don’t judge men on height, weight, age or income. I think people mistreat others all the time. We’re never going to eradicate it. All we can do is refuse to tolerate it. I’m sure you would agree.
Jenna says
I read this quote and am going to live by it.
Jenna says
This is what I should heve told him and walked out. I should have nor waited for him to break it off.
JerseyGirl says
I do agree with you there.
I’m just not in agreement with you for the part we were discussing before. As for “banging that drum over and over”…. I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe is right. Maybe it comes off as banging a drum, but I don’t see it that way. I just see it as standing by what one thinks is right. And maybe it doesn’t change everyone but hopefully it makes people stop and think next time.
Evan Marc Katz says
The way you stand up for yourself, Jersey, is by leaving a man who acts inexcusably – not by telling men, in general, to stop acting inexcusably.
JerseyGirl says
Yes, I completely agree and understand that Evan. However, I still disagree with your previous statement and think it’s fair to comment on. I don’t like what sounds like blame to me, on women, for behavior that a guy might do in basically saying “why do men do things women don’t like, because women let us”. While you can’t force anyone to behave a certain way, this kind of mentality seems pretty damanging in itself. But that is strictly my perspective on it and I do understand that you disagree.
ebet says
Might I just add in support of JG that in the crucial example of campus rape, it seems young men ARE actually taking the initiative lately to exert moral suasion over their peers, and I’m inspired by their courage and compassion. They make me proud to imagine that this generation may be actually getting past the pat generalizations about “male & female behavior.”
Sandy says
You sure said it here, all of you. I am at the receiving end of a text-only relationship. That’s after 1.5 years of solid commitment, including paying his bills and helping him through major surgery. Yes, I am a fool. Even on my birthday, I get a text message and an encouraging email: Please give a friendship some time. Between the lines: he has a new job, a new life, money in his pocket. Might as well see what’s out there before making a promise to a woman who knows you and loves you. I was never loved back. I was handy for a while. The anger burns a bit, and that’s good. Otherwise, I might answer the text lingering there.
Illinois Girl says
Sandy,
Don’t beat yourself up. I know you feel used…it sounds like he is playing games to me. I wouldn’t give him time, I would get out there again and enjoy life. I am sure there is a nice man out there for you. This one sounds like he should be told ADIOS! Can you block his texts?
Ann says
Most guys are jerks. And the sad thing about it is that they don’t even know when they’re being one. Evan was right– the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from an imbalanced relationship. It takes a great deal of commitment to personal development for any one who really wants to change. Sadly, most people are not up to the challenge.
So we go back to the basics, be truly honest with ourselves and ask ourselves,
“Is this the kind of person I REALLY want to spend the rest of my life with?”
“Do I want our children to learn the values that the other person espouses?”
We are who we are. In love, either you accept the person for who he is or you reject him completely. If the person you are with is not good enough for you, do not ask him to change for you. Just leave.
Steve says
@Ann #101
If you read a man making a general derogatory statement about 4 billion people ( women ) would you be inclined to think of that man as mysogynist, prejudiced or bigoted?
Ann says
@Steve #102
Note that I said “most”, not “all”. There are nice and decent guys, yes, but they come by very few and far between.
Several days after dumping me, this guy invited me to attend his annual and exclusive family Christmas gathering as well as his friends-and-their-families post Christmas party (both occasions were held at his house), and yet he insisted that we were just friends. What in the world was he thinking?
The guy I dated before that… Well he was dating me for over a year already and was starting to date another girl AND was trying to get back with his ex who was already married– all at the same time! What the hell was he thinking?
Can you muster enough reason to explain away such behaviors?
Themrs. says
I Love you EVAN wanna get married?! LOL!
I had been struggling with this situation for a long time years ago, and I WISH YOU HAD This forum then. But I am now about to be married to someone who loves me unconditionally because I finally let the loser go who dumped me and got married 3 months later only to call me constantly thru his marriage and now I could care less and now he wonders why I wouldn’t sit around waiting for him AS IF Someone else wouldn’t come along, AS IF he was the only man that care.
Hang in there ladies that are going thru the dumping scenario, MR. Right is out there and trust me he is MUCH MORE AMAZING than the Loser THAT WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO.
Robert says
Hey there…I have tried in vain for 9 months to understand ‘why’ my girlfriend of 3.5 years (6 months living together) decided out of the bloue to end the relationship. She had a lot of stressors with her son and his psycho girlfriend who basically turned the house into an asylum of sorts. I knew she was stressed and of all things when there for support, I felt her withdrawal both emotionally and physically. She basically told me “we need a break. I can barely keep myself afloat and it is not fair to you.” To say you go through heartache, shock, feel betrayed, get angry, ask ‘why’ a thousand times is an understatement. Long and short of it is, we saw each other off and on and it was clear that I was NOT a part of the romantic plan. It literally broke my heart. Here it is the latter part of June 2010, bordering 10 months of on again…off again communication and now after choosing ‘no contact’ (11 days now) with her, I sat down and penned a passage below that I thought most of you would relate to. I have written three books and authored numerous pieces on many subjects and it is funny but…when heartbreak and inner pains are in your own backyard, are we not the worst tenders of advice? I hope what I wrote below is not too long or verbose. I tried my best to put the subject of being a ‘dumpee’ in the best light possible. Most of you are right here. We all DO deserve another who loves us unconditionally and without hidden agendas or reservations. If he/she broke up with you, you truly CANNOT be ‘friends’ because your inner chords remain affected by your past passions, romance and your intimacies. As sad as it is to face and say to yourself…move on. You will survive. Here you go..hope you can relate to the passage below. Robert
People place higher values on what they can’t have, or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and YOU make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted! Don’t try to draw them in or seduce them! NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes! Don’t try to be friends! Don’t change who you are, or put on any acts! Simply surgically remove them from your hearts and minds and get on with your life! If they try to get in contact, be polite but keenly and emotionally indifferent! We all know how the mere sound of their voice knocks us back a few pegs…never pushes us forward. Most importantly, DO NOT give them another second of your valued time. Your time NOW is for other things, other people and perhaps soon down the road…another chance at FINDING not FALLING for someone you merely BELIEVE you may love! Finally, if miraculous bridges are repaired and you find yourself somehow back within arms length of one you absolutely adore, do so on your own terms yet from that very first moment on, make it abundantly clear that you will NEVER…EVER be taken for granted! Chances are great that when a couple breaks, it is a rarity that they ever share a bond again. Some wounds remain too deep for repair, and the ones you cannot see…the searing gashes in your heart are NEVER as forgiving. It truly is time to let them go! Our phases of pain move from shock, to denial, on to heartbreak and utter loneliness and despair. You cannot fall any lower than the depths of raw rejection, shame, and self pity. So to hell with it! Rise up and fight the good fight, embrace your friends, and move on with your life. Someone…somewhere out there, knows of your truest values in life and love. Be near to them and you will be guided to safety, and never shall you mourn again.
My two cents from Philly says
In my experience, there are more ambivalent men (and women) out there now then there ever have been before. To some extent, we are a product of our current environment. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when there were no cell phones, no caller ID, guys had to “call” not rely on cowardly “texting”. Women were asked out. We didn’t feel in competition with another three dozen women on match.com. We met people “organically”. But women have helped to change the game as well by becoming more aggressive and less feminine. This makes men more passive. Please do not take offense to this, but I think there is some truth to it. I’m actually a very independent and successful woman, but do try to tone it down around men because I think it puts them in a better place. I have worked on this. I feel that on-line dating and technology have brought about both advantages and drawbacks. I consider this site one of the advantages. However, I do feel that on-line daters gain the perception that there a tons of options out there…which is true it has increased dating opportunities…but has it increased quality? Bottom line: The older we get, the more baggage we gain and experience from others. The more we date, the more tired we become and want the process to be “over”. So we get hooked into the fantasy. When he/she comes on strong and promises the world, we breathe a sigh of relief. We are elated. We want this to be “it”. We are hooked…..then he/she is gone. Unfortunately this is after we are emotionally invested but perhaps he/she never was. Because if we accepted the clues early on, we would have resisted the chemistry and saw it for what it truly was. But let’s face it, we are vulnerable human beings and some folks are manipulative. For some, that’s all they know. Sometimes I think we do have patterns with relationships and other times, it’s just plain bad luck. I don’t like the saying “he’s just not that into you”. That can make a woman feel bad. Because at some point, he definitely was into you…very much so… or you wouldn’t have fallen so hard. But unfortunately, he changed his mind. I do agree with Evan that if a man doesn’t feel good around you then he leaves. But I think a mature man who knows he has a good thing stays and works on the relationship. He takes responsibility for his actions and doesn’t run like a baby at the first sign of conflict. Nor should she. Conflict is going to happen and meant to be worked through with respect. It’s healthy. Look for the clues early on that the guy (or girl) has unresolved issues and isn’t capable of the long haul. My first clue should have been on the 2nd date when he told me about his previous girlfriend who he dated “on and off for seven years”. And I was about to be the next “string” beginning with years 7 to 14. He abandoned me twice and once when I had a very serious injury. As the saying goes, someone burns you once shame on them, twice shame on you. My two times are up. This opens my heart for the real deal…no empty promises, someone respecting my pace and my boundaries and ultimately – someone who keeps their word and who will stand by me as I will by him. A guy who walks the walk and who will give the 110% that I will give to him and the relationship. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words but not nearly as often…
moggz says
I know that many of us have been here before and certainly I agree that the reason that this happens is because WE allow it to happen. I am, however, wondering if ever these feelings can be motivated by guilt alone? Perhaps Evan can speak on this. I have a situation where a short term dating (2 weeks) this is someone who I see socially very frequently and I was very attracted and excited about him yet, it was ended by me actually because I found him to be very inconsistent and emotionally unavailable….frankly the poor guy seemed so confused… so I ended it thinking I had the upper hand. Well, much to my chagrin he started dating another prospect and they are now in a seemingly serious relationship of several months….I was devastated!!! I still see him frequently (our children are in activities together) and he always seems to reach out to me, sometimes its simply to say hi, sometimes to ask a questions, sometimes to even compliment…he often is clever and flirty with jokes and comments. I’m torn because as much as I love this attention from him, I question why he needs to give it, when he is not interested and he is dating someone else! I personally think he is trying to stay “the nice guy” so he doesn’t look like the jerk that couldn’t commit to me…but could find a girlfriend only weeks later….
I don’t know…I’m annoyed, perplexed and a little hurt.
starthrower68 says
I refuse to have any contact with a guy who dumps me. It’s not self-protective to do so. The only way to move on is to cut off all contact even socially.
Joe says
Starthrower: do you maintain contact with guys you dump?
starthrower68 says
I don’t get the question, but no, I do not.
Karl R says
moggz asked: (#105)
“I am, however, wondering if ever these feelings can be motivated by guilt alone?”
Guilt is too strong a word. I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve dated someone in the same social circle as me. Post-breakup, it’s necessary to at least remain civil and easier if you can remain friends.
If the other person was obviously hurt by the breakup, there will be some additional concern. Nobody wants to be the cause of pain, even though it’s not their fault. (If you’re in a relationship with someone who you believe isn’t right for you, would you stay in that relationship just to avoid hurting that person? Would you be guilty of causing his pain when you left?)
moggz said: (#105)
“I personally think he is trying to stay ‘the nice guy’ so he doesn’t look like the jerk”
I disagree. As an outsider hearing your side of the story, he doesn’t sound like a bad guy or a jerk.
1. You were attracted to and excited about this man.
2. You dated for two weeks.
3. He didn’t seem that interested in you, so you dumped him.
4. A few weeks later, he met a woman he was more interested in.
5. He now has a serious relationship with her.
What part of this makes him the “bad guy”? What part makes him into a “jerk”? Am I a jerk to every woman that I’m not that interested in? Are you a jerk to every man you’re not that interested in? If those men think you’re a jerk, do you even care? I certainly don’t.
moggz said: (#105)
“I’m annoyed, perplexed and a little hurt.”
Those feelings are understandable with any breakup. As an outsider, I’m perplexed and curious about several things:
1. In your excitement, did you fantasize about your potential future this man? If so, was this fantasy supported by his actual behavior?
2. What kind of commitment did you expect from him after two weeks?
3. When you broke up with him, what kind of reaction were you expecting from him? Does it bother you that he didn’t have that reaction? If so, why?
4. What did he do that makes him a bad guy and a jerk?
5. Are you over him? If not, will your next boyfriend have to compete with him?
moggz said: (#105)
“as much as I love this attention from him, I question why he needs to give it,”
Maybe he likes you as a friend, but not as a potential partner.
Maybe he is trying to indirectly reassure you that he wasn’t hurt when you dumped him.
Maybe he’s trying to prove that he’s mature enough to stay “just friends” after a breakup.
Or maybe it’s something that neither of us have considered.
Fesche Lola says
Been there. I was just text dumped last week. The only reaction he got out of me was my lone text back to him, “Good-bye.” I think he was hoping for something more dramatic. He hasn’t heard a peep from me since.
Now, I’m not sure I buy into the whole “guilt” thing that Evan mentioned. I think men get a twisted ego boost when they break a woman’s heart. They know that if they want to get back with you, they can. Don’t give them that power.
Admittedly, I want him to contact me. But the only reason why I want to hear from him again is so I can ignore him. It’s no fun to ignore someone when they don’t know they’re being ignored.
Guys do stupid things because we let them get away with it. We need to stop doing that.
lala says
Clap clap clap. Evan I salute you. Everything you’re saying is so true and Feshe Lola I know exactly how you feel. Was dating this guy for 3 months, always had a hunch that he was emotionally unavailable and mentioned it a few times but he disagreed and said that its him waiting for things to feel ‘natural’ what a load of rubbish. In the end we agreed that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and I accepted and was willing as much as I was hurt to just let go and move on to greener pastures yet at the same time wanting him to contact me again so I too could show him that I was fine and thus ignore him (obviously that’s just hurt talk there) then after a week got used to not hearing from him and was looking forward to going on a date with this guy only to get a text from him. Deliberately ignored it and erased it from my phone only to receive another one a week later. We used to work together and its funny because even though I agreed to let go of and cease contact my friends would call text me at my old work place and tell me little things like him all of a sudden speaking to them. I just thought, what an attention seeker, yet at the same time trying to be strong and not contact him. However, I stupidly responded recently agreeing to meet up for a coffee but after coming across his site, I couldn’t be more grateful for the heads up. I don’t believe its anything to do with guilt, guilt makes a person want to hide away rather then make them want you. it’s more about ego, attention and possibly the situation finishing before they had hoped it would, which probably messed up their sex calender. Obviously I know that not everyone you date is going to be the prince you always wanted but I can’t take games and I can’t take people who are insincere. Most guys know from the beginning whether they are ready for a serious relationship or not and its just so selfish when anyone (male or female) is dishonest when dating. If you just want to meet up for sex be honest as you never know what the answer will be but don’t just string people along, and letting them fall for you when you know that you have no intention of going any further with the relationship.
Angela says
Not really sure what thread to attach this to, but I’ll try here.
-Met a man online over a year ago in January. We hooked up through a common interest, but live 1300 miles away. Neither of us was looking for a LD relationship. He called me several times a week, often on Friday and Saturday nights; this went on for some 7 months, we logged many hours. We both fessed up to a mutual romantic interest. He offered to fly me down to meet him, I replied that I’d be more comfortable with him coming to see me, first. At that he reponded that he’d prayed on things and realized that “I don’t think I “have it in me” to possibly start up a long distance relationship. I’m not trying to be presumptuous in saying that I know that’s what would happen, but my heart and head both tell me that’s what would likely happen…and logic tells me that’d be the primary hope in meeting. I mean, I don’t think we’d meet, hit it off really well and then say “okay, that was nice – take care now.” Is it not a fear of something great or of happiness – God no! It is a fear of not being able to give you what you undeniably deserve, as you deserve the best I could give – even more than that, actually.”
A few months later he told me that his ex of 2 years ago, who also lives out of state, wanted to get back together. He decided to pursue that reinvolvement. He added that he hoped he wasn’t making a mistake in that it could mean losing the opportunity to potentially pursue something with me and added “I just know that it’s not in me, nor even if it were could I ask/expect it of you, to let me “hedge my bet.” I care for you too much to have ever even entertained the idea…”
Here’s the thing…he continues to call me about once every two weeks. I have moved on with my life and have started seeing someone else. This new man has asked for an exclusive, committed relationship. While I want to explore this with him, I can’t get thoughts and feelings of the LD man whom I’ve never even met, out of my heart and head. The moment I laid eyes on one of his photos I was struck speechless with the feeling and knowing that “This is the man I’m going to marry.” This has never happened to me in my life and I am 52. I am both a realist and an eternal optimist. I don’t want to cut him out of my life completely, but know that continuing to hear his voice and connect with him only makes me want to fly down to his doorstep, meet him face to face and let the chips fall where they may.
Cat says
Angela (#111): You call yourself a realist, but you’re stuck in a total fantasy over a man you’ve never met who most likely doesn’t even resemble the photo that struck you speechless. He likes keeping you as an option while he’s back with his ex. (In fact, how do you know for sure that he was ever single?) Does that sound like a great guy who’s going to marry you? He wouldn’t even come to meet you! (Another sign he likely doesn’t look like the photos he used. They could of someone else or how he looked when he was younger/fitter/had hair…)
This fantasy is keeping you from committing to a guy who actually did ask you for an exclusive, committed relationship. Cut off the LD guy and move on! And good luck, it’s hard to let go of a fantasy…
Mariam says
My story: I met a guy online…go figure. Cute, Canadian with a French accent. I did not even expect anything when I said hello.
He was so attentive. Sent me photos once a day for a week, started IMing me daily. Has been doing this since Dec. 27,2011. We finally met last week. Before we both flew to Texas, where we are both moving, we flirted. We were also friends. We both admitted a definite attraction.
So, we met~ He was not into me at all. How rejected, deflated, dejected I have been feeling. He did not compliment me, I had bought hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and spent money on appearing my best–not one compliment.
Stupidly, I made the first move and tried to kiss him! He held my arms down and looked at me closely and told me no.
Can you say ” mortified”?
I was stuck with him for two and a half more days. We slept in separate beds in a hotel. We were both on business and with each other, for pleasure.
He told me he does not want to hurt me. That the only way he knows how to do that is be friends only.
I was devastated. I felt like a trapped and wounded animal.
Anyways, I am home and he has returned to Canada. His company is moving him by May or June. He told me he wants to hang out frequently as friends.
I told him that I think I had fallen in love with him and feel stupid.
He told me all the soothing things that only made me feel like a very unattractive, unlobable person, whose only worth is friendship.
He has still been Iming me where we hear each other on voice call. I cannot do it anymore. I am hurt. I feel devastated within myself. Worthless, unattractive, a failure–you know how I feel.
So, I found this site: I Im’d him that I cannot be only friends because we are not into each other–only I am into him.
I asked if I stepped told him that I need someone who is 100% into me and that friendship, at this time, is not an option.
I ended it with staying his wonderful self, and that I will always adore him and hope our paths cross again one day. With that, I used a kiss emoticon and told him xoxoxo, but kiss on the lips–without romance…and then my name and a crying emoticon.
I am truly devastated…And feel really stupid for falling for a man on a dating site and talking to him daily for two months to only meet in person and he told me that he cannot give me what i need and only wants to be friends…? I am so sad. I do not want to hurt him, but I am truly hurting, myself~
Flower White says
Ann, hi! You wrote: @101
“@Steve #102
Note that I said “most”, not “all”. There are nice and decent guys, yes, but they come by very few and far between.
Several days after dumping me, this guy invited me to attend his annual and exclusive family Christmas gathering as well as his friends-and-their-families post Christmas party (both occasions were held at his house), and yet he insisted that we were just friends. What in the world was he thinking?
The guy I dated before that… Well he was dating me for over a year already and was starting to date another girl AND was trying to get back with his ex who was already married— all at the same time! What the hell was he thinking?
Can you muster enough reason to explain away such behaviors?”
May I? What in the world are YOU thinking to blame your poor choice of men on men in general? As a womanist I have no desire to defend male behaviors yet I do believe there are many sweet men around wanting to give and be loved. That is my dating belief, that most men are sweet lil dolls.
Your paranoid attitude reflects what you ACCEPT, dysfunctionals. Why did YOU go to the Xmas party of a guy who dumped you? He was a louse thaty you should have said adios to!
Why did YOU chose to waste a year and a half on a cheater involved with multiple women? I’D slap myself silly before I got near an obvious cheater.
YOU chose those guys. YOU wanted them for whatever reason. YOU can’t blame a snake for biting you. Most men are sweethearts, if you think so- you will attract them.
truth says
narcissists immediately contact you after dumping you because they don’t think they did anything wrong. they lack empathy. they keep on trying to be your friend because they think they are great guys and who wouldn’t want to be their friend? it’s bizarre. their intentions are completely selfish. i.e. they may want to remain friends to hook up, get attention, not feel lonely, feel like they’re a good guy, etc. the best revenge is a life well lived. pity these people from a safe distance.
Guess What? says
Well, I disagree with this a bit. The guy who I was dating for nine months, I have not seen in four months. He sits on a dating web site all day long throughout the week but here I am single, we were extremely compatable and got along almost too good to be true. He dumped me and like I said, I have not seen him in four months, he has not even asked to see me but insists on emailing me jokes every two weeks and maybe calling once a month drunk for like 5 or 10 minutes WHEN AND IF I answer. I have told him long ago to quit contacting me if he was no longer interested (he is one to do so too if asked) and he WON’T! He is a player and needs that ego boost! The entire time that we were dating he would not commit to me but I am actually the only one he was dating (I am sure not sleeping with though). Unfortunately, A LOT of men out there are like that. They no longer want you but want to know that you want them still. It is gross and sad! I was naive because I had been in a relationship before I met him for almost 20 years. He actually acted like he was going to commit to me at one time but that lasted an entire month. You just have to be careful with what you got. I never though it was weird that he had other woman “FRIENDS”… Or maybe I liked him so much I did not want to see it!!!!
confused says
I’m in a very similar situation. This guy told me he loved me and I mean the world to him, basically talking me up in every way you can imagine. He says when he sees me again all of his feelings will come rushing back..blah blah blah… well two weeks ago he told me we would never work out and it was just best for him to end it now. I really really really felt for this guy and instantly got sucked into what he had always told me before he went ahead and broke my heart. I questioned him at first, but now I’m at the point where I just stop contacting him and gave him space. He texts me to see how I’m doing, asks to video chat, and is always sending me those frown faces. Yes i’d LOVE for things to work out for him and I, but honestly how realistic is it that it will?
starthrower68 says
@ Confused #117,
It’s not realistic. He’s jerking your chain because you coming running when he pulls it. I don’t mean that as an insult or criticism, but don’t fall for his attempts at manipulation. He said it would never work out so you have to believe him. It doesn’t matter why he keeps doing it; what matters is that you cut off contact and move on with life so this dude can’t jerk your chain anymore.
UpTown Girl says
What’s wrong with this whole scenario is the secular concept of DATING. DATING is not the plan of God for a man and a woman. DATING leads to premarital sex, and you’d be hard pressed to convince me anything good comes of illicit sex. Actually, time and space prevent me, but so much of society’s ills come from the fact that Jesus has been made into a warm fuzzy joke, and His Holy Word is ignored. Ignore it at your own peril. He wrote the manual for the humans He made because He knows what is best for us. Adultery and fornication have led to innumerable murders, suicides, abortions and STDs, not to mention the emotional craziness evident on this forum.
So what to do? Stay celibate. You won’t die. Get to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ. If the moderator posts this I’ll be amazed. God DID NOT program men to randomly sow their seed…..propaganda from the enemy camp, coupled with our sin nature, is the culprit.
When you get a few years on you, and realize that life is all about the afterlife, you get a better prospective on just how you really messed things up. And all in the name of fun. Sex is meant to bond a couple in commited love and holiness with each other, and to propogate the species.
The Lord made sex feel good so we’d do it…not overdo it. There is nothing better than being able to look at your face in the mirror everyday and not be a part of this unholy sexual drama. Seek Him while He may be found. Time as we know it is very, very short. Love and Joy
Melody says
My ex broke up with me twice (the second time was more mutual. Part of me wanted it to happen but part of me also wanted to work on it IF he was willing to be put in the effort. He wasn’t, although he refused to tell me he didn’t love me… weirdo). He sent me a text a few days after the breakup (asking about a show we always watched together). You know how I replied? “Who’s this?” I knew damn well who it was. I KNOW he knew that I knew. No more texts since then… Haha loser.
Melody says
Uptown Girl, you may have your beliefs but so does everyone else. I don’t believe in marriage, period.
Haksy says
uptowngirl you are right on the money, sex is about love and marriage……nothing more. We all have passions and desires but must learn to control ourselves. The enemy is always there in our weakest moments. Mankind has taken their sins to a whole new level…. the Lord will judge all our sins on the day. + Adultery and fornication are sins
avery says
i think she should maintain no contact for at least 30-90 days depending on how long/intense the relationship was. even longer if possible. the ex’s i’m TRULY friends with are the ex’s who i had no contact with for a long while (one ex and i are best friends and it wasn’t until we had no contact and both moved on to other relationships that we were able to do so). in the end if you’re ona blog asking for advice you already know the situation is shady and not for you. if you end up being the best of friends awesome but for now take the time you need to FULLY heal.
Rob says
OK IM going to try and respond to this as a GAY man… in other words I too am a man that struggles with the same thing with men… and even I dont get it?
For the record I was the dumpee recently after a 3 month, very intense relationship where he spoke “love language” and pushed for the same from me. Then literally one day he was done. That was it.
Ladies I KNOW its hard. Right now I would do just about anything to have him back. Now I confess that Im reading these blogs and sites in that same hope of trying to understand, trying to make sense and trying to find a way to get him back.
After reading all of these comments Im going to try and see if I can step back rationally and answer as a man (who also has been hurt by a man.)
Yes I wonder how someone can use that kind of language and then it seemingly mean nothing the very next day. Yes I am struggling to understand what I did wrong. Yes I am so tempted to conclude all kinds of terrible things about him. But here is the bottom line… he’s a great guy (I would not have dated him if he werent)… and it simply did not work.
Right now I am thinking of an analogy with my mother. She loves to bake. The problem is… she’s not the greatest baker. The smoke alarms in her home are more about being an oven timer than anything else. When mom bakes, the intentions are always great, high and sincere. She finds some incredible recipe in one of her ladies magazines and sets out to make it work. She so carefully attends to details… she lovingly measures, she carefully blends, she sincerely pops it into the oven. But by god, I don’t know what happens from that moment on… it either flops, fizzles or burns.
Listen my mom is a good lady… but she just isn’t that good at making cakes. Now strangely every once in a while she pops out a winner… usually a recipe she learned 20 years ago… that she has practiced on and keeps coming back to… because it works.
Ladies I know the temptation of over analyzing everything. Its really is not just a guy thing… its a people thing. I truly conclude that most people try to make relationships (cakes) to the best of their ability, but that not everyone is a Martha Stewart.
I have to believe that people find real love all the time. There is no shortage of happy relationships out there and I choose to believe that one day I will find one for myself. In the meantime I too am lovingly and sincerely practicing baking.
So back to this guy. Did he use me? Did he string me along? Did he play with my emotions? I guess that is really not the point. The point is that both he and I have been practicing living life and we havn’t figured out how to do it well. And though I really enjoyed sharing the kitchen with him, I too was in fact “practicing baking” in the hopes that it would be the perfect cake. It just, in the most simple of terms wasn’t.
Like my mom, he may come back to this recipe and try again. Would she get it right it right the second time? Maybe yes… maybe no. The bottom line is that she is not a jerk for trying… she is simply not Martha Stewart and her recipes just don’t seem to always end up looking like they do in the magazines, no matter how hard she tries. Its not a statement on effort, sincerity, love for the attempt or contempt of the recipe. She just cant seem to make THAT recipe work.
Ladies, men often feel like they don’t belong in the kitchen to begin with… but they surely still love the food. Its disappointing, it is frustrating, it has been a time consuming and often expensive venture. And do not discount how hard it is to have a recipe flop while everyone is watching. But chances are he is not a jerk (or why did you date him to begin with?) You’re recipe simply did not work.
Try the recipe again, don’t try the recipe again. That is your own call. But above all grace yourself that you are not Martha Stewart… nor is he. Dare to dream for a better and the best recipe for your life. He just wasn’t it.
Stephanie says
I love everything about your analogy. Perfect. (That’s all!)
Kelly says
Good~ it is very confusing,, when there is a break up but the I e partner continues ti insist on shared w dry thing. Or not problem solve with you tin find ways if financially undead able, to disengage themselves and you from bonds. It’s best to move out if state if possible, but if xgildren Re involved and there has been any kind of issues. Seek help from a mediator. If he walks out, ( mine did) . Petition if youi can for for a hearing.
Good luck, and never think you were not good enough for him~youbhad something obviously ( this together guy) was looking for, and or admired. Onward upward.. To your next more in tune relationship, c
Ally says
Evan thank you so much for posting this. I normally don’t comment but this just hits so close to home. I am going through the same thing and I’m still giving him the time of the day and feed on any opportunity he gives me to hang out. Get a life girlfriend…I need to move on pronto! If he wasn’t interested in me the first time, he won’t be interested again! Don’t be stupid and let your emotions get the best of you….move on before you get even more attached!!!!!
Dinah Khanser says
He probably got along quite well with you as a person, but you obviously weren’t pretty enough, and/or good enough in bed, for him to make a further commitment. I’m tellin’ you the truth, honey. Seriously, that’s how guys are hard wired. Move on and try for something better. He hes a loser. He didn’t deserve a nice girl like you, anyway.
Ann says
I hate to say it, but I have dated quite a lot in my 36 years. I’ve dated all kinds of guys from all walks of life. I’ve had longterm and shorterm. I’ve been the dumper most of the time and have been the dumped a few times. But I have never come across a man like the one Evan describes in his book and this post until now. MOST men do not get scared off just b/c you aren’t on your game 100% of the time. MOSt men do not shy away from a discussion of “are we exclusive now?” MOST guys do not require constant reassurance with the back and forth described here.
Ann says
(Sorry, pressed submit before I was finished.) Most guys I’ve dated (well, at least since college anyway) have been receptive to conversations about the relationship, have been clear with their feelings, and have been understanding with off days, weeks, or even whole months.
The man being discussed here and by Evan in his advice about how to keep men from running (do we think Evan might be one of these guys?) is the commitment-phobic man. He comes on strong, but as soon as there is any sign of imperfection or sense of plateau, he’s off.
My college boyfriend was one of these. He is finally in a longterm relationship and has admitted that he thinks he’ll marry her, but it took 3 solid years of yo-yoing and patience on her part to get him to settle down. If you have that kind of time and patience, great. If not, move on. But she’s a very accomplished and secure woman who didn’t really have time for a full-scale boyfriend anyway. If you’re not that type, MOVE ON.
MH says
I think a guy should just wish the girl well after dumping her and leave it at that. To me, it’s like rubbing salt into a wound or a guy who wants his cake and eat it to. Being dumped can be painful enough, especially if it was a long-term relationship. A dumper trying to stay friends with his ex, while he’s happily dating someone else or playing the field, is just as bad if not worse than not hearing from him ever again.
Michele says
In the last year I’ve been on three dates. Two with men I’ve known a long time ago and got back in touch with via facebook, and one I met via friends. All 3 men lived an impractcial distance away but I thought I’d ‘give it a chance’. All three were very charming and the first two who were prior friends put a lot of effort into communicating and seeing me.
However for reasons I don’t entirely understand, neither of the first two seemed to be that interested in me after seeing me, and nothing sexual happened so it wasn’t that. In one case, the guy decided he ‘wasn’t over his ex’, and in the other case, the guy who had driven hundreds of miles to help me install a kitchen, just didn’t do anything to approach me so I assumed he wasn’t interested. I was right.
The guy I met through friends- we spent a weekend together, but he wasn’t really interested in me. To be honest I don’t think I was that interested in him either.
What two of these guys have in common is that they managed to create completely false impressions of themselves by text and emails. I’d been out of touch long enough with the two I knoew before for this to be possible. And the third guy just isn’t interested in a relationship with anyone.
All three say they want to be ‘friends’ and sporadically make attempts to stay in touch. There is clearly no sexual interest so I don’t really understand what they are doing, unless they seriously just want to stay friends. I’m not romantically intererested in them anyway.
As far as I’m concerned it’s black and white- you’re either interested or you’re not. I am starting to wonder what these three long-distance penpals are doing in my life, and why they are bothering. I have enough friends. Surely they have too. But I’m starting to think that quite a lot of blokes really just want to stay platonic friends and are not interested in sex. Where are all these blokes who are thinking about sex all the time? I should be so lucky!!
If I go on a date and initiate nothing, nothing happens. This is the pattern now for me. Nothing much has happened for nearly 4 years. Lots of nice ‘friends’ though.
Kyra says
“What two of these guys have in common is that they managed to create completely false impressions of themselves by text and emails…”
I had to get to a point I tell men “I’m not much of a texter.” I realized a LOT of men like to text incessantly before even meeting and in place of telephone conversations. Texting women is exciting to them. It’s an ego boost. It’s tittilating and erotically exciting. It’s them creating false connection through technology with a woman they’ve yet to meet and know nothing about. So, when they do finally meet you, they’re let down. You don’t compare to the fantasy woman they conjured in their head through a bunch of texts.
I tell men “I keep my phone off during work hours in order to focus and usually don’t have it on me during the evenings when I’m up and about the house, so I’m unable to text. However, you can call or leave me message anytime and I’ll give you a call back.” Most, I’ve noticed, ignore this and text almost immediately after I’ve given my number. Some text early morining (6am or earlier). Some play games “Let’s play a game via text and if I win, you can buy the first drink on our date.” Nope. No thank you to any of that.
Best stick to Evan’s 2/2/2 tactic. Two messages on the dating site. Two emails off the dating site. Two phone calls. Don’t allow a man to create his own false expectations by texting you a lot before a meeting/date.
It’s also interested to see your side of dating. I’m a very curvy gal (busty above and Kim Kardashian-esque below). My first dates ALWAYS attempt to get sexual. Before I’m sticking my key in the door and wishing them a good night I have hands flying everywhere attempting to get a feel of my goods. It’s frustrating and has actually turned me off dating. So, it’s fascinating to see a woman actually desire a man who is very sexual and exhibits such on a date. It could quite possibly mean that these men respect you and see you as much more than a sexual conquest. Generally when a man doesn’t “try something” on a date it means he genuinely likes you and doesn’t just want to jump your bones.
Maybe these guys saw you were a “serious” sort of lady. Not that curvy girls like me aren’t the serious kind or worthy of serious men, but men usually see us and date us in an effort to have fast casual sex or a one night stand because of their arousal to our bodies. It’s difficult to find a man who wants to pursue something serious.
You, however, may come off to them as a woman that is deserving of a serious man or a man with serious intent. What they could quite possibly be doing is walking way because they know in their hearts that’s not what they either truly wanted or would be capable of giving you.
Cat says
I have just ended and on and off relationship of five years. I was dumped the last time and then almost a year later he came running back crying and regretful about anything he had done to hurt me. Mistake I made, – I didn’t really sit down with him and insist he go into detail about exactly how he hurt me. Instead, it was turned on me in a way – “I didn’t understand that you had all these insecurities.” Well who wouldn’t with him ogling everyone and then trying to do it when he thought he could get away with it by being sneaky and then yelling at me for being upset. he made comments about middle-aged women, his ex-wife’s beauty faded so she should not have met someone else ( she ran off with another man in her mid-fifties) pregnant women, etc.. I had to hear rumors about him (before he met mostly) that he was always chasing girls the age of his daughter. I stupidly thought that somehow this would change as I never thought he would have humbled his big ego enough to cry in front of me and beg me for another chance.
The problem I had is that I never trusted him. When he broke up with me last time, he didn’t have the decency to just back off and instead kept calling with all this friendship b.s.. When I told him I was not into it and needed time, he came on all romantic and flirtatious. When I was cold back, he disappeared – for months. I was hurt by that as well – that he never cared about my friendship after so many months as he said he would.
I tried to be the bigger person and did a couple of performances with him. He managed to call me by my performer name after the event, which was stupid as he never called me that before. I took that as a dig. But I relented and took another gig with him. I had a guy show up that I was dating (I didn’t really want him to come but he did anyway,) and I fully believe that as soon as my ex got an idea that I might have moved on and I looked more confident, he was all over me again – roses, wining and dining, talking about marriage (even said he saw the date during a meditation that we were supposed to get married on.)
Then slowly but surely the ogling started and the “liking” bikini models on his facebook page. I am sorry, but I am not really into an older man who has to present his taste in hot women all the over place ( it was more than just that, but I want him and I to remain anonymous so I won’t mention the other thing.) I suddenly realized that if he had cared so much about “my insecurities” he would have thought more about my feelings – except he thought I had left facebook and would not notice. Lack of foresight as well in case we did get married. That caused a lot of problems between he and I and my trust was eroded again after all he had said.
He tried to turn it on me until I thought I was going crazy – maybe I had taken it wrong or imagined things? Maybe it was no big deal and just guy stuff – but it was excessive to the point of being really rude and disrespectful of me. I didn’t think I should be bothered and kept trying to put up with it.
Then he screwed me over on the holidays. he knows the holidays are hard for me due to family dynamics and I was alone. We were not sure what we were doing and I asked him not to call every day because it makes me feel like I have a boyfriend and I feel crowded mentally. He complied for a few days and started right back up again. He had yelled at me that I should just drop the past hurt and anger and try being nice to him. So I did. For a month I did nothing wrong and then he evaded me and didn’t invite me to spend new years with him. I was upset and he tried to say it was because he had this gig and he didn’t think I would enjoy it, etc. etc. When I said I wanted to go anyway, he said he didn’t want a relationship with me and I asked when he had decided this for sure and when was he going to tell me?
He said he had decided it months ago. He could not understand why I was so upset that he was calling every day and had come over with his viagra spilling on to my couch when we were supposed to talk. Well, I let him have it. I really did. I realized he was a narcissist as I had always thought in the back of my mind. And I told him so. I told him to never call or email me again – that I was done and there would be no other chances or b.s. friendship. I was done.
I am more angry that I allowed myself to deal with all this and I have had to look at my self-esteem. I know I was not a saint, but I was trying and if he had meant all he said about going to the ends of the earth for me, he could have been patient and realized I was trying. Instead, he blew it for the last time. I let him bulldoze his way back into my life and before I knew it I was sucked in again.
Ladies, when you think you are dealing with someone who has no real empathy beyond just a basically insensitive guy – to the point where it seems pathological – run like hell. These types will mess with your mind and think nothing of manipulating you for sex and then dumping you once you don’t dance to their beat, give them the ego stroke they need, etc. And he was still going to keep calling after I told him how hurt I was. His solution was to just not call every day, still refusing to let me join him on NYE so I would not be alone.
I wish I had stopped contact with him years ago. I no longer believe in friends after a trying relationship with someone where they were not honest, lied to you, and used you. Forget it. I feel so stupid. But I am glad I got the chance to really let out the anger I had been struggling with for so long trying to figure out was going on with this guy all the time – why the game kept changing and he kept acting the part anyway.
My mother had always tried to stick up for him, but she always knew he was never going to make more a commitment to me – and this last thing really pissed her off. She said you must never speak to him or see him again. And that is what I am doing. I am finally free.
Kezza says
Minime,
Your comment was classic. I love the “breeding” analagy. It makes perfect sense. Good one!!
Fleuretoile says
It’s not that complicated. You can remain in contact if you had a friendship to begin with and you both do not want anything more. This is tricky as you only know about yourself not them-unless you knew the person well enough to know how they are in general. It all depends on how it went. i think if you both loved each other and expressed that love then there is the possibility after both parties have moved on to remain in friendly contact from time to time.
However the contact should not be too often in my opinion at least not for the first year. Also you should take a period of no contact after the breakup. In my case we broke things off in December of last year and around March we were able to start casual conversation. I was involved with a guy who had a girlfriend (horrible I know! but the circumstances are very complicated- we were both living in a wretched thirld world country doing humanitarian work and I think we bonded over the stress and misery and danger around us). it was an instant attraction but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I backed down and then we agreed to avoid anything physical and we were friends but then we fell in love and then finally- physically cheated. He went back to his girlfriend and I went in to total no contact for two months. Then we began to contact each other from time to time (about once or twice a month) to chat about what’s going on in our lives and that’s it. His girlfriend knows everything and is ok with the fact that we are in contact because it is over. I also have wished him and her all the best. As someone I loved, I will always have love for him but I do not want to be with him. I am not in love with him anymore. But he is someone who knows me very well- we have a lot of shared experience and it is more at least on my side like a salute to that experience that we still keep in touch. I do not think we will ever meet again and I wouldn’t be surprised if we reach a point of just saying hi at birthdays and Christmas and I am cool with that.
To be fair the guy is European and I am first generation American raised abroad, particularly in Europe, I think in Europe people feel differently about these kinds of things.
This being said, I had a guy that I broke up with that I still had feelings for that I stayed in contact with- that was a huge mistake, it ended up taking forever to get over him, I kept reading too much in to his attempts at contact and getting hurt all over again. At the end I ended up sending him a nasty mail etc.. Finally about two years later- I contacted him back to explain why i was so upset (stringing me along) he apologized and it was cool-I actually had no desire to remain in contact with him after all the pain but I was to blame also as i had kept in contact with him because I was trying to strategize him back in to my life.
If you have moved on and you did enjoy your time with the person, you can have contact-(if your current partners are okay with it) from time to time. Cheers..
Blessed with DivineLove says
I don’t “channel” the same message from the boyfriend. What I get is that he was feeling like he was being steered into something that didn’t feel right to him at a pace he wasn’t ready for. But that he cares about the personhood of the woman and wants to demonstrate that. He may have residual feelings for an old flame, von uncertain as to where he’s atBenoy be ready for a deeper relationship, got sex too easy and now is looking for something more moving, felt controlled or suffocated, he could gay or just saw an aspect of the woman that turned him off, perhaps he wants to step back and evaluate it objectively. This is the question to answer. What either caused him pain, fear, or disappointment? It’s almost always one of those.
Whatever says
Basically, you think this guy was too good for you anyway, so you’re going to keep the lines of communication open even after he dumps you. Please get some self-esteem.
I used to date a guy I thought was too good for me, so I pursued him. He never took any initiative. He would take the relationship as long as I provided it. One day, after I got sick of him introducing me as his “friend” for the umpteenth time, I stopped all communication. Just as I suspected, I had been doing 100% of the work. I didn’t hear from him for six months. Then, get this: He called and emailed saying he had realized the error of his ways. He begged for a second chance — for the next few years. Too late! I had moved on right after I stopped all communication. Besides, we had been together for the better part of a year, so he had months and months of second, third, fourth, fifth, –nth chances.
This guy keeps texting you because you let him. You are a placeholder until someone else shows up. Then he will stop texting and maybe you’ll feel pretty bad.
Show yourself some respect and others will follow. Close that door and move on.
women-get-attached says
Chris, it’s wrong for him to have a FWB relationship with her because she’s wants more than that kind of a relationship with him. He’d be leading her on because she’s hoping it will amount to more. If all she wanted was a FWB, then that would be different. She will end up heartbroken if she settles for this. If all he wants is FWB, the right thing for him to do would be to cut her loose and find someone else who just wants FWB.
Angela says
Hi
My ex broke up with me a year ago. He was going through an ugly divorce and has two teenagers. It was painful but I moved on. The last year end of November I saw he viewed my linked-in profile – I had deleted all contact with him (phone number, emails, contacts on linked-in) …. I have no idea why he did this, he didn’t leave a message or anything …. I’m just annoyed because it was gruelling effort to get over him and move on, and then he just rocks up like that, as if it’s okay? Its not okay to “stalk” someone when you chose to end things off.
Why does a guy behave like that (he’s 45 years old, I’m 33). I get that a mature person (male or female) will suck it up, put their pride aside and make direct contact if they want to patch things up. I know I’m not going to put myself out there and ask him, my belief is if he wants to sort things out, he needs to do the grunt work ….
However, I’m trying to not be my super analytical self and see this in very simple terms, why would he look me up a year later? A guys perspective is most encourgaed on this debacle ….
Do men not realise that by doing that they’re potentially causing the other person’s feelings to resurface all over again? A bit of a selfish and self-absorbed act I think – not cool.
Please comment? Thanks! 🙂
henriette says
Angela – don’t read so much into it. He viewed your Linked In page, probably not realising that you could see that he’d been there. Most likely, he was just curious (“Hmmm, I wonder what ever happened to Ange…”) and googled you as well as a numer of other exes and old friends, just to see what you’re up to these days. To think that means he could be interested in reuniting with you is an awfully far stretch.
Prjm says
Hi guys,
I was in a similar situation, but everything happened online. So obviously that man wasn’t able to stay with me sexually but he still appeared after he dumped me. Why would he do so?
Jane M
Natalie Rados says
well I am a woman and the same reason I called men after I dumped them. Either I wanted to get lucky or waa just bored and wanted to hang with someone. That simple
Christina says
My ex broke up with me about a month ago. He said he wanted to be friends which I’m thinking yeah right but he contacted me a week later in the middle of the night for of course a booty call. Now for me I understand where everyone is coming from when they say you can do better and you don’t need that. Now personally I’d rather him call me for an occasional booty call then to stop talking to me completely. Like it boosts mine and I’m sure most woman’s self esteem to know that their ex is thinking about them and still wants them in some way even if it’s not a relationship. Personally he really broke my heart and I love him and I miss him, but the part I miss is the friendship. We would go and do everything together so apart of me feels like I lost my best friend. He knew more things about me then anyone else I’ve dated. So I feel I want to keep in contact to keep my friend even though it’s hard for me to get rid of my feelings. My first real boyfriend and I dated a year back when I was 18 and we were engaged and we so I thought were so in love. We broke up on mutual terms concluding we just fought too much. After the break up we remained civil until he started dating my friend and it was just a whole mess. Anyways about a year and a half later he got in contact with me and we met up to talk and I’ll tell you we’ve been great friends ever since. I feel you can be frienda with an ex but a lot of time has to go by and your feelings have to go away. Another ex I had broke up with me and I was ok with it but he did me so dirty that even though it’s been almost 3 years I still would never talk to him. Not because I still have feelings but because that’s not a person I need in my life. As far as my recent ex he said he needs some space and I mean he has a lot of family and personally issues going on so I can kind of understand I just wish I had the strength to ignore his calls amd texts. Not because I don’t want to see him it’s more because i don’t want to get more hurt. But let me tell you I’ve done the fwb thing and for me personally we always get back together but idk about this guy. It just sucks because I really love him and like I said it’s more as a friend. But like I said I can see why women would be happy to hear from an ex but also don’t get used or expect the worse so if it does end badly you’ll know it was coming.
Princess says
Men are funny. I wrote some where on this site about my situation. I was talking to a guy that I liked. Things were going well. I thought. We’d been talking for about 5 weeks. No sex involved. Anyway one Saturday evening we were supposed to go out and instead he sent me a text about him feeling I’m not interested in him and we should pursue other options. I called him he didn’t pick up so I left him a VM. He never called me back. Fast forward two weeks. I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize (it was him. I deleted his number from my phone). He said he called me and just got my VM so we will talk later. I just about choked on my food! I was like “who is this?!?” Then I realized it was him. So basically he disappeared and decided to text me like nothing happened. I engaged him yesterday but today I will not. Basically I plan on calling him out on his bad behavior. He should either pick up the phone and call me so we can clear things up or he should stay gone… Oh he never calls! Always texts!
Karmic Equation says
Princess,
He’s not your boyfriend. If you want to date him ignore his past behavior and start fresh. But if he starts his sh*t again, dump him.
Otherwise, you’re just stringing yourself along.
Princess says
@karmic exactly why I won’t entertain texting as the ONLY form of communication. No thanks. if he starts that texting crap again I just won’t entertain it. It’s annoying.
AllHeart81 says
Princess, this guy already showed you who he is. Please don’t give him another chance. Don’t even contact him to call him out on his bad behavior. Move on. You’re only going to end up in the same cycle with him. He’s not dependable.
Princess says
@AllHeart81. I agree. I just got out of a five year long relationship that was on again off again. Believe I won’t so that again. just like Evan said men behave badly because we let them. I can’t get sucked in if I don’t entertain him. He can go back to whence he came from… I’m totally ok.
Trisha says
OMG! I’m going through that situation now and I’m not sure what to do. I dated this guy for 5 years (engaged for 1 year) and he randomly called off the relationship after an agruement that we dragged out. We agrue off/on from time to time then make up after we cool off. This time he suggested maybe we try to be friends and see how things go because he’s tried of agruing… I am too. Honestly I can’t be friends with him because I love him. He still hasn’t told any of our friends about this split and he’s still in contact with me. He told me he still loves me… I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I should fight for the relationship… But at the same time, I shouldn’t have to fight to be in someone’s life.
Pavlove says
Sometimes a woman needs her emotional Hagen Daz
But after that is done, she recovers and gets back on “the track” of her life.
The Hagen Daz was her OBJECT to emotional comfort.
Don’t be HIS Hagen Daz !!
love says
im in the same position just recently.seeing this guy for few months and wanted me to stay with him but suddenly he changed his mind and decided that he cannot offer anything yet except friendship for now and it is best we better leave it that way but he wanted to be friends and say hi to each other from time to time..he wants us to see each other for coffee sometimes…he never mention about intimate or give a hint about sex in fact he made it clear that we can see each other in public and says that there is nothing wrong with that.i wanted to end everything but he doesnt want it…
Ivana says
Hey Evan, Thnx a lot! Yeah, I think you are right, the boys do it, because we let them play! Thnx for the blog!
Maryam says
i really needed to read all of this It gave me a good insight on how men think. He texts me once a year during holidays and thats more than enough reason to get me all messed up again.. I love him greatly, he is a great man.. we were engaged for a year, never had sex or anything.. Neither one of us went on any date since our break up.. I wish him the best in life.
Tiffany says
I just want to say that I am really grateful for this post and have book marked it because I know I will need it to bolster me in the upcoming months. My situation was basically exactly like Jen from NYC.
Maybe one day I will have the courage to share my apparently not-so-unique- story, but for now I just want to say I appreciate those who have shared and – thank you.
amanda says
This was perfectly timed – love NWTBFOP – dated someone that was younger – he had a crush on me he says for years – I became available and we tried. I ended up doing the majority of the work and he seemed to fit me in to his busy life. We connected so well on many levels but ultimately I kept finding myself pulling back until finally he said he was done trying and we said our goodbye’s nicely…then text me a week later and we got in an argument of him saying I walked away only to have him confirm no, it was his decision and he’s sorry and wants me happy etc and we said goodbye – again. Hard to believe my heart could be so broken with a man I dated 2 months but it is. I planned to follow the NC rule – I unfriended on FB and mailed him his key in a simple card saying take care and be happy. Now time to just move on and like I read above – short of him crying at the end of my driveway, no I will not be in touch or responding in the off chance he does reach out – this hurt way too much and I’m too old (44) for such pain. Thanks Evan 🙂
starthrower68 says
Toying with your emotions is not love; it’s bad behavior. Even if he loves you, he ought to be moving heaven and earth to be with you if that’s what it takes. He’s just drifring in and out of your life as he pleases and you let him. Stop the insanity!
jerseygirl says
In my 20’s a man hit on me. We exchanged numbers. We dated. He came on strong. Then went MIA. He was so mysterious. We enjoyed being together, but something wasnt right. I never met his parents, but met his friends and brother. He met my family, even came to weddings, parties, etc w me. He slept over my apt. I slept over his. This lasted 3 years. We broke up because i met a better man. Turned out, my 3 year relationship was with a man who ha a girlfriend, who became his fiance, who became his wife during the whole time I was dating and having sex with him! If something doesnt feel right in your gut, trust yourself!
Kreig says
Oh my this could not come at a better time. I was dating someone for several months and he too broke it off for what ever the reason, but I later allowed him back into my life. Just yesterday I told him that I need to not be his friend anymore. I was madly in love with him and he could not commit to me. I heard the you are the most amazing woman speech and that I love you but not in love with you line too. I still hurt, but I definitely needed to hear Evan’s advice today….very helpful and thank you. Good Luck to you JD!!
Sandy says
Dear B T T W what sound advice I definitely will follow that script especially the 2month no type of contact…
veronica says
All these sounds so familiar to me I was with a guy I new for some years started off as friends ended up in relationship at Least I though I was a rebound the whole time why him and his baby mama wasn’t getting along at all at the time he lied and munipulated me No sign of her and he’s like I love both of you sound like a cope out to me to have his cake and eat it he played games and a liar and when I got mad he gos to act like I have no reason to be mad he is a jerk and that is selfish
Illinois Girl says
Wow its been awhile since my last post. I just wanted to update that my ex cheated on me and married the woman he cheated on me with, then a few years later he contacted me again saying that she divorced HIM. (Can’t say I felt bad about this as he was a real snake to me) and he wanted to try again with me. I said no way. So then he has tried to connect with me atleast twice since then through social media and I block him every time. Now I am grateful that I never married him and in retrospect realize how lucky I was to get away from him. He is actually kind of a stalker. Uptown girl, while I do agree with what you are saying, I think it is important to understand that not everyone is coming from the same place you are and should not be judged but rather given compassion.. I am so glad that God protected me from marrying this man by him marrying someone else, but at the time it felt like my world was ending.
Bree says
I love reading these responses – as they are giving me strength to move on. My boyfriend of 2 years told me he needed to take a break in our relationship. He sad that he loved some things about me but was not “in love” with me. He thought that if we took a break he would get better clarity in how he felt. He continues to text me daily (about non personal stuff) – it has only been 2 weeks. I don’t like the feeling of him controlling my destiny or the status of our relationship.
spring says
well….interesting comments. I would say that if a man loves you- he knows very fast and he will always be back for emotional reasons and not sex. Real Love doesn’t go away even if circumstances and timing make relationship impossible at certain time. If a guy dumps u early on—-MOVE ON! Man know very fast what they want! At any event- always cut off even LOVE if they don’t treat you properly. I think the best way to cut is say what you looking for and set the bar….the one who loves you will live up to a challenge and the ones who don’t…..who needs them????
I just realized that my best male friend ( I was stupid to think he was just a friend….) of 25 years was madly in love and felt rejected and started treating me like dirt…..with all the pain and suffering (and I know he loves me and scared to death to get hurt) …..I told him that he can’t treat me like that and Im letting him go as Im not a back up plan or an option….he still has growing up to do and Im sure I will hear from him eventually but it will be on my terms…SELF respect is a MUST!
Stacey says
I really needed to read this article and the advice from others. I just deleted all texts, his phone number, and unfriended on FB my ex (we only dated two months, but he broke up because he isn’t ready to settle down due to his recent divorce) who wants to try to keep being friends and have benefits. I’m sad to just cut him out because he and I had a connection. However, his feelings aren’t strong enough to want to be my boyfriend and I do deserve a full relationship, not a part-time friendship.
Melody says
I was with my now ex-boyfriend for nearly 5 years. I considered him the love of my life,replete with being inseparable, families knowing each other and me doing stuff for him and supporting him through anything and everything. Ultimately he lost interest, I found inappropriate texts to a girl and upon asking him about it, got broken up with. I struggled unsuccessfully to maintain NC, because he kept invutong me for dinner, movies, sleepovers, picking me up from work and all the rest, and I foolishly complied because I was in love.kept this uo for 8 months, until out of the blue, he tells me he’s been seeing (read:sleeping with) someone for a few days now, and since our relationship was non-functional, I should understand. This, from the love of my life.I was devastated for over a year. JD, go NC on the guy. He may be amazing, but if you’re gonna end up hurt, its not worth it.
anna says
So glad i happened upon this site and the subject matter. Met a guy, separated ( for way too many yrs), we clicked on all fronts. He is going back to his ex, but wants to remain friends. My heart is broken. He still calls me everyday, loves to chat, blah, blah…… Now I see he is totally being selfish, really is not into me, but looking to keep his options open. I need to excerise that no contact zone and not be available.
R says
Ignore and delete the texts and don’t answer the phone or return the calls. He broke it off. If he was serious about keeping you then he would not have broken it off. It is really that simple. Move on or else you will end up being the hit it when there is nothing better else going on girl. He is not amazing either. You didn’t even really know him. You liked the idea of him and the relationship. When I break up with someone or am dumped, I end all contact immediately. I like a clean break because it helps me to move on faster. I ignore all calls and texts and delete all messages and voice mails. you can’t change him or his mind. Find a new guy.
helena says
I let an ex stay in touch after he dumped me for a woman 11 years younger than me. He didnt want any face to face contact since he was now in another relationship but insisted facebook contact was very important to him. It was awful. It was a constant reminder of the rejection. I felt humiliated and embarrassed that I could be discarded so easily and quickly. Perhaps a bit like being sacked from a job for poor performance and then being forced to work out the two weeks notice. You just want to run away and hope no-one from work ever sees you again.
He had slept with me one night and then when I saw him the next time he was completely cold and distant and clearly didnt want to be spending time with me. An old friend of his had just left her husband and he was quick to jump in and take up with her. To make it worse, he asked me shortly beforehand to help with legal advice for a “friend” who had family law issues. I didnt know he was lining up this freind as his new lover.
Two days ago, after he posted cartoon pictures of how couple share space in bed together, I defriended him and blocked him. For the first day there was a mixed feeling of loss and grief but also relief that I could now start the process of getting over him and moving on. Then on the second day (today), there is much less grief and more relief that I can emotionally block him out and try to move on. Thank you for listening.
And in relation to the views expressed by the author – I’m not sure what the motivation is for a guy who dumped you, wanting to stay “friends”, but I have learnt that it certainly doesnt benefit the dumpee. Maybe it relieves the guilt of the dumper, but it is misplaced since he is not allowing his dumpee to move on. Maybe its to keep her as a back-up in case the new relationship doesnt turn out – its been 6 months they have been together now so I dont think thats the case, and why would I want to be someone’s 2nd inferior choice anyway. Evan’s explanation is probably also viable. And it doesnt mean the guy is bad for thinking this way – its just that men and women seem to have a different sense of what constitutes ethical condcut.
Stephanie says
I am currently dating a wonderful man, who I met online. He asked me recently if I would be his girlfriend, saying that although we had both disabled our online dating profiles, he wanted to make it official. I like how he thinks.
Now that this is official, I am receiving texts left and right from exes with whom I have had sporadic contact since those respective relationships ended. These were men who came on strong, but when it came down to it, did not want to be in a relationship with me. And now it’s like their internal radars detected that I was no longer single, or something. I would be a fool to go back to any of them.
Although I am friends with a few of my ex-boyfriends, this is because enough time and space had passed for any dredges of romantic longing to completely dissipate. Sometimes it takes years.
OP, never sell yourself short. You deserve someone who adores you and wants to be with you, without hesitation or reserve.
Jennifer says
What an awesome post! So true. Glad you found a good guy. 😊
Pepa says
Ladies and gentleman ..
I am 43 years old and I truly believe there are not rules in love relationships. Things work different for different people. I want to tell you my last experience: as a single woman in my 40s I decided to do IVF and I am now 27 weeks pregnant.. When I was 9 weeks pregnant I met the guy I thought he was the most amazing one.. We dated and I told him I was pregnant .. He still wanted to date me.. To make the story short.. We both quick got attached to each other but he had kids already and he didn’t want to have more kids.. But he didn’t want to let me go and he was getting frustrated and attached and too much anxiety because he didn’t want to hurt me and he told me he knew he was going to walk away anytime .. So one day unexpected he texted me to say it was over… By text, not call not face to face.. I have to say he is my age and he is still healing after a bad divorce…. I accepted and I cried and cried.. It was a short romance but it was strong for both.. Or that is what I thought. It seems it was meaningful for me but not for him. I respected him and not communication.. He contacted me again.. Saying nothing .. And he tried to get closer again.. I was happy and sad at the same time.. Then he did it again .. And he tried again to become close again.. We met again.. And after two days and being intimate and have a beautiful encounter he never texted me again… Gone, silence, he let me guessing .. Of course I knew .. He didn’t want me.. Well he said he didn’t want a baby .. In the middle of all these back and forth situations, this is the first time I fall in love, the first time I tell a man what I feel for him, and the first time I am close to someone when I am pregnant and everyone should know it is a very sensitive time for a woman.. He said maybe we could be friends in the future.. He needs time and space .. He said clearly there was not romantic possibility for us.. That killed me but once again I accepted. Well I am pregnant and he doesn’t want me. The baby is an excuse.. He had 11 bad years in two relationships .. He wants to be free!! Good for him!! But he text again and now he is mad because he wants to be a friend and I can’t. He doesn’t respect my space and my pregnancy and my peace. He unfriended me in FB. He said he doesn’t understand why I can’t be his friend.. He ask me advices about his ex, he only text with his plans of leaving for months to travel to the ocean again.. How happy finally he is. He didn’t like the place we we live, his job and he was depressed and hurt by his ex.. He wasn’t ready for a relationship .. I do understand and respect it. I forgot to mention he said he wanted to see me, he misses me and he thinks about us together in bed..
I am pregnant and he is a goodlooking guy and very charming.. He can play with any woman’s feelings. He knows I was in love.. He knew from the beginning I was pregnant.. And I have to say it is my fault to fall for him? He did and say things he shouldn’t have.. He never promise anything but if you are a man and you are not interested you don’t get involve with a situation like that. I assume my responsibility but I never chased this guy.. Ever.. I only reply once to say I was ok and I hope the same for him. He keeps texting every 10 days I so.. I don’t reply and I will never do. First I have feelings but I think he is a selfish soul .. He used me as a distraction to full his needs.. Sex was not his goal here… I know when it is about sex and this was not sex. He broke my heart and he made me doubts about my maternity.. So hard to decide what I did and I am lucky to be pregnant and this guy keeps playing with my feelings.. I now hate him.. At his age he should think first and be considered .. I am pregnant and he doesn’t want anything with me..I am sure he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong but he did.. You don’t use people.. He is not a kid and I was pregnant since I know him. I don’t expect any man to be with me now but I do expect man to respect me as a woman and to consider that confusing people is not the way to go.. I know my mistake was when he came back the first time.. I should be the one who could have said:” I am not interested in this anymore. It was nice meeting you ” but I didn’t ..
So people hurt people and you can’t justify them .. Think and then act. It is ok if you stop loving someone or you don’t want a romantic relationship ..but be honest and don’t be selfish.
I feel sorry for this guy after all.. He will get the same treatment one day and he will remember me for what he did..
I have to forget him because I have a baby on its way.. He made me loose the excitement about it and that I can’t forgive myself that it happened for someone who is not with it ..
Moving on says
The comments and advice on here is amazing!! Going through this right now and most my friends and family told me to stay clear away from him.. But it was difficult, however something clicked in me yesterday and then reading all these comments and experiences from others tell me that I know they’re right and to move on.. He tried to guilt trip me yesterday saying hes going through a lot of shit but some of this he brought upon himself. I realised how immature he actually is. Good riddance.
debra says
Hi ‘Just dumped’. Why even bother to wonder about this guy? He thinks he’s God’s gift and if you let him keep in contact with you you’re reinforcing the illusion!
Move on for goodness (& your self -respect’s) sake. If you have attracted a guy like this once, you can definitely do it again. He’s not the only pebble on the beach (& he needs to get over himself before he can ever appreciate you!)
Ange says
This is such a good blog post. Short sweet and to the point !
I just got out of a really tough ‘relationship’ with a commitment phobe / fearful avoidant … you know him as the one who blows hot and cold, Mr. Come here, Go away. First time I’ve ever been with one and hope to God it is my last ! I use quotes around the word relationship as it really never fully settled owing to the push/pull, stop/start dynamic of his.
What I finally realized after much reflection is that he couldn’t make a decision to be with me and he couldn’t make a decision to be without me ! Either way it was a *commitment* and something he couldn’t bring himself to do. I kept seeing his returning to me (after absence and ‘needing space’) to be a sign that he really did like me and want to be with me. Afterall, why would someone panic and then go back to the person who made him freak out if they really weren’t wanting it to work??
Once I caught on, I finally was able to do what needed to be done and say goodbye, wish him well and go into no contact zone. No friendly contact (although he asked for it, I knew it was about him not me so I said no, but maybe some day).
Now, I’m not sure that JD’s ex or Evan were necessarily like my ex… I think men want to keep in contact for all sorts of reasons. Many of which have less to do with the woman and more to do with their ego, fears, needs, etc. Bottom line is that it is hard to know what to do with conflicting information and if you like someone, of course you’re going to interpret mixed messages in a way that supports what you want.
The reality is that mixed messages are a red flag and we all deserve clarity in our intimate relationships. Dumping someone and then returning repeatedly is a mixed message. The ‘let’s be friends’ thing might work in some cases and I’m not knocking FWB set ups if both parties can handle it. But, post break up, I’m highly doubtful it can be done without one of the parties feeling demoted and diminished.
L says
I’ve had this done to me by women and there is absolutely no excuse or rationalization for it. It’s downright cruel and I’m disappointed that you’re trying to rationalize it. Now, with that said … if the “breaker” has made it explicitly obvious to the “breakee” that he/she is no longer interested in pursuing the relationship and it’s ok with the “breakee” to stay in touch, that’s one thing. But to do anything else is downright cruel and serves to make the breakup more difficult by sending mixed signals. Yes, it’s difficult to break up with someone. But if you try to rationalize giving mixed signals you are encouraging people to play games with people’s feelings.
Stacy says
You know when your ex breaks up with you, I think you should cut off communication. My ex broke up with me two years ago. We stop having sex a year ago. He ended up marrying a girl less than five months of meeting her. He recently text me and I told him to forget about me and to delete my number. I told him to cut off all contact with me. If you broke up with me you did it for a reason. When people say they want you to move on they really don’t mean because, let that person go live their life. When dealing with relationships people are left damaged sometimes. I know I was and I still am. I meant what I told him don’t contact me anymore and forget about me. He said ” it’s going to be hard, but I was right”. I wish the best for him and his wife from the bottom of my heart because, I believe in love and happiness. Maybe I’m to naive to think that.
[email protected] says
I will apologize in advance I have a rather long story I met a guy back in the 90s fell in love with him instantly he had an amazing personality . He did the same thing to me though I would seem out with different girls on random occasions and he would call me randomly come over and sleep with me but never would make a commitment . In 2000 I marry this guy he came to me recently from a divorce told me I was the one that he made a mistake mind you I have agonized for several years after he married . I was on cloud nine everything I wanted I thought was coming true within a few months in a relationship he did not want to pay any bills he even told me I had two children and myself and he would pay a quarter of the bills . finally left on Christmas Eve got up put his clothes on and said he was going to his moms he did not show up for my family’s Christmas and when I called he told me he wasn’t coming back I am a nurse and I had to work at night so I went on into work it was a very hard night for me I’ll need to come home and find everything he had was gone . One week later he was calling and asking me why I had not called him. In my mind there was nothing to say he had set it all when he left I had no talking to do I thought it was up to him to call me we divorced 10 years later in 2013 after the death of his father of course I heard from him now the one part I left out is it two years after the divorce he called me on and off Showed up at my girlfriends house and told her he had made a terrible mistake so I dated him only for the same attitude and behaviors to continue . Time can be your friend or enemy and when he called me back in 2013 I guess it was my enemy . I told him I had grandchildren I was very busy I work the weekends which was something he was never happy with and that was not going to change and I could never move from my house . He lives an hour away from me and it was an issue before where he wanted me to move back to his hometown . He begged me so I gave them a chance and a year and a half later he was doing the same thing wanting me to be off the weekends wanting me to move I just could not do it I did not want to end up with nothing in my life after I had worked so hard so I got a text message from him saying it was over . God knows I have tried to forget him but he continues to call two or three times during the year he tries to contact me once he went to Walmart gave my mother a picture card That I had asked for during the break up he’s called and told me how miserable he has been after he dated a girl a year and a half and how she was not me when I told him we might could make it work again I just need to know if he was serious he would not tell me that it was only me he only said if I wasn’t serious I wouldn’t be talking to you and I didn’t hear from him again until Christmas of last year he called and ask if he could come over and I said yes and we talked for about an hour he said he just wanted to see my pretty face and get a hug I told him I had to go to my moms I did not have a lot of time to spare but I wanted to be decent I told him to come on . He laughed and said you text me I’ll text you were cool right I said yeah sure needless to say I haven’t heard anything from him until I found out his mother died in July and I did not find out till September and I text him and told him I was sorry . My phone rang the other day I did not answer it but the next day I felt guilty knowing he lost both his parents I decided to text and ask if he was OK he said yes it was an accident I replied and told him to delete my number and it would not happen . I have now discovered that two days after that call he got engaged to a girl he’s only known for a month imagine that I’m supposed to be the love of his life ha ha Ha still I’m upset I’m not really sure why he has showed me his true colors he has shown me his character and I know I deserve better .
Kassandra thomas says
yeah why do they do that me and my ex split up and I was taking care of him i took care of him and I know that he was using me. He ate all the food I brought and sleep in the house I paid rent for and in my bed Nd I didn’t ask for much but respect. But he couldn’t even give me that.and you know i have always heard that expression. You will find the right one one day. Well I have news for you I don’t want anyone else I am tried of being treated like dirt when I am not
Robert says
I have a number of friends that I dated and or slept with at some point in my life. They are friends, not FWB’s. Hell, I’m still friends with my first love and I was hers. Her husband doesn’t much like it due to jealousy, but we still deeply care about one another. She’s been happily married to her doctor for more than two decades.
i don’t see this as an issue if people maintain proper boundaries. Boundaries are key to all relationships.
Rita says
hi im going through the same thing. dated 6 years on off dumped ignored then try again then he dumped me its been 9 months now he wants me back he keeps texting and i keep falling for it.
and he keeps blaming ME for everything cause all this happened as he stringed me along never committed he kept backdoor open. i want to STOP THIS now and i will. Ive been such a fool hoping it would change.
EVAN i want to tell you from all people i asked advice you are the best…..
Rita says
futhermore i cannot tell you enough what this DID to my self esteem. its a vicious roller coaster ride. all possible opportunities went out the door as i BELIEVED every word he said….fake promises he even now makes with the BLAME game. yet i love him. but…i have to put ME first now.
lina says
Men are selfish and they use there penises as a excuse to act like a prick but when girls do the same they call them slags.
Evan Marc Katz says
At least in the UK.
Sheryl says
It’s called having his cake and eating it too! In other words he wants one foot in the door so he will always have someone available if something doesn’t work with someone else. Please do your self a favor and move on and stop all communication with him. I have been down that same road many years ago with a boyfriend who dumped me for someone else but would still call and drop by and I stupidly let him do this for 2 years!! It was horrible, I lost about 40 lbs, was crying all the time and just miserable, I kept hoping he would come back and I ended up being used for 2 years until I finally woke up and realized what a jerk he was, stringing me along, I was basically a back up in case things didn’t work out with the beast he left me for. Eventually he dumped her and moved on to someone else, got married and then she dumped him!! He actually did me the biggest favor by dumping me, I am the happiest I have ever been all these years later and I am with a kind caring real man! Let go of this guy, you deserve so much better!!!
JenC says
I think this would be a good time to read “Getting to I Do” by Pat Allen. I think I’ve seen Evan endorse her. She lays out how men think and why they do it, and how you can set the boundaries to protect yourself.
psychbutterfly says
I needed to read this today, going through a similar but slightly different scenario.
But bottom line, he didn’t choose me.
So thanks for this today, Evan.
Clare says
It’s definitely possible to be friends with an ex IF the feelings have died down, or if you both realistically realize that you’re not going to get back together. I have pulled it off with a few of my exes, and they are valuable friends whose company I enjoy immensely and whose perspective I value. We care about each other, but the romance is no longer present, so why not be friends? If I’ve had a good few months to a year apart from them, have maybe dated other guys in between, then I’ve usually by that time realized that it was a good thing that we broke up and I don’t love them any more. So being friends is usually quite possible at this stage.
The problem obviously comes in where the love feelings of one or both of you are not completely gone, or one of you cherishes secret hopes of things working out between you again. I (think) I am in this situation currently with one of my exes. We were not right for each other (in fact, I don’t think he’s right for anyone or wants commitment of any kind), but we always got along really well. So, after quite a bit of time apart, we were able to hang out as friends quite successfully. It was great. Until recently I mentioned my plans to him about moving overseas, asked his advice etc. He was really negative and unsupportive and got really offish. I asked him if something was the matter and he said not, but he’s not the kind of person who would come out and tell you if something was wrong. But I suspect he’s upset that I’m planning to move away because he wants me around in case he changes his mind about “us.” This has driven kind of a wedge between us and our friendship is not the same since I told him of my plans. Sometimes you think you’re ready to be friends and you later find out that one of you isn’t.
W. H. says
If you ..” wondered why he was acting you in the first place…because he wasn’t a starving writer/artist…”maybe he picked up on that& felt you were to into him…so he broke up and then his self-doubt came out and he was really afraid that maybe he was losing something.
So I think some people who are really psychologically strong can be friends with people who dumped them; it’s a spiritual strength that some people might have; but in this case you might be leaving yourself open to be walked all over.
Rose says
Why would he do that?
because he’s telling the truth. I don’t like you enough to be with you long term. But I like you e light that I’d like a no strings attached set up.
Mom my experience , guys are actually simple and quite honest. We tend to overanalyze their words.
This exact scenario happened to me last year. After casually dating a guy was ON TOP of me in bed and basically said “I don’t really want to continue dating but I’d love to be fwb”
had it not been for the MORONIC moment he chose to drop this tidbit on me and had he worded it differently I might have been on board. But I told him to leave and after about a month of me not contacting him because I truly didn’t want to, he began sniffing around again.
Men like to keep us on the back burner in case they need more sex (they always want more sex) and figure they have nothing to lose by trying again to sleep with us
its up to you to decide if you feel ok with that set up.
Welshmiss says
i am at a loss to understand why the man I dated for four years ended our relationship on our Fourth Anniversary above all times! I truly loved him and took good care of him as he wasn’t in the best of health. This was one of those feelings we get when something is wrong, not saying a word over dinner and many other clues. I finally decided I deserved better than this and suggested we end it, all he said was “Okay” just like that, not even bothering to ask why, or could we work things out. Strange thing is he has called, but I have to admit it is to brag! He just told me she has lost 65 pounds….I don’t need to hear this! The man doesn’t seem to get it how much he has hurt me. I would never get back together with him even if he begged. They say nothing is deader than a dead love, very true. I wish him well but that’s as far as I go. I am older and feel zi lesrned from this experience. Wishing you all a happy new year,
Karl R says
Welshmiss said:
“i am at a loss to understand why the man I dated for four years ended our relationship on our Fourth Anniversary above all times!”
“I finally decided I deserved better than this and suggested we end it, all he said was ‘Okay’ just like that,”
Your story is internally inconsistent. You suggested that the two of you end the relationship, but you also claim that he ended it. If you want to know why your relationship ended on your 4th anniversary, look in the mirror and ask yourself why.
Welshmiss said:
“The man doesn’t seem to get it how much he has hurt me.”
I don’t get it either. Did he hurt you by not asking why you broke up with him? Did he hurt you by not asking you if you all could work things out? Did he hurt you by not begging you to stay?
You already said that you wouldn’t take him back even if he begged, which provides an excellent reason for him not to beg.
You hurt him when you broke up with him. And you apparently don’t seem to get that.
Welshmiss said:
“I am older and feel zi lesrned from this experience.”
How do you learn from an experience without first understanding the experience?
You broke up with him, but you blame him for the breakup.
You decided to break up, rather than suggesting ways to work things out, but you think he should have asked about whether you two could work things out.
You want better, and don’t want him back, but you’re “hurt” that he doesn’t want you back.
What have you learned from this?
Angelina says
I just got dumped a few weeks ago by a guy I dated for 6 months. He claimed he was too busy for a relationship after declaring love to me and said he ‘needed space’. I gave him the space even though I was hurt and upset and whaddaya know, for the last two nights he had texts me. Nothing special, just ‘Hi how are you’. I asked how he was and he said he had a back injury blah blah blah (never the good news) Incredibly he then told me I was being ‘distant’??? wtf!
My mistake: answering his text message. My redemption: I blocked and deleted him from my phone. I figured if he wanted me that much he was going to have to come beat down my door (I doubt he will do it)
He won’t be texting me anymore because I won’t allow it. It sucks but it’s better than being on the end of a string.
Lisa says
My name is Lisa, I was currently dumped be my husband after 12 yrs and the loss of my only child two months earlier, for a girl half his age. I two have received texts from my ex after a court hearing in counter with him. He broke down crying telling me he still loved me and had never stopped loving me. How is this possible? I asked, it is not possible. I have forgiven him, it seemed easier for me to forgive, anger and bitterness has not helped me to say the least. He will soon be 53 yrs old and has moved the 29 yr old girlfriend and her 7 yr old son into our home and he has basically put me out on the streets. I currently stay in the same neighbor hood with friends while trying to put my life back in order, while he continues on with this affair. I was too still in love with my husband and am finding it very hard to deal with, as I still grieve my daughters death as well. I felt no closure, to how and why this occurred. Sad part is when I found out about his girlfriend, he then started sleeping with her. Seemed a little quick to move her right in my home. He claimed that this was a fantasy. Just not sure why he wants to keep contact, spending hour texting me!
TiredoftheBS says
Holy crap I thought it was just this guy who won’t stop laying guilt about how he’s a piece of shit, and I deserve better.. but why am I leaving him? Can we still be friends? I thoight maybe not now, but in the future… Yet he won’t call me, ever… because we “don’t want to be in a long distance relationship”, yet.. texting and e-mailing all the time is one, is it not?
I swear I don’t understand why someone won’t fulfill needs (purposefully or unable) and yet won’t let the other person move on and find happiness. Being dragged along someone’s ego trip is not respect.
Do they think we are just going to be doormats? Scratch that.. I’ve been a doormat before for a guy who did exactly that.. took advantage of my feelings to use my affection and support. That’s why this felt familiar, and I stopped it quickly.
Anyway.. yes, move on, find a man who IS that into you. This guy is blocking the door.
anonymous says
I was just dumped he told me I have to much in my life and he don’t want me to leave what I have going on. But I really don’t have a lot going on I have my kids that’s normal and I attend to them when needed. They are all grown on their own. So am basically available and I told him that before so why now he used that excuse for a breakup? After I basically told him that after I’ve waiting so long for him how can he do and that I just can’t deal with me losing him in other words the reason he should give us or our love another chance. The next day he texted me that he is sure I’ll be ok .. what does that mean why he texting me after he dumped me
The one that got away says
I was recently with a guy who is a “reformed womaniser” and he stays in touch with lots of his exes – he was always the dumper and they were always so grateful to hear from him. Always ready to pay him compliments and validate him, tell him what a wonderful guy he’d been with them, he’d left them wanting more, see? It drove me crazy and was one of the many destructive things about our relationship. He claimed I was petty and that “mature” adults can stay in touch with exes without it meaning anything. He said these women all meant “nothing” to him (so why stay in touch?). Anyway, long story short, it was a pretty unsatisfactory relationship all round and in the end I finally bit the bullet and dumped him! I was promptly removed and blocked on all forms of communication and social media. Guess I’m gonna be the one exception as far as staying in touch goes! So what does that tell you?