Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?


Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.   Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do men keep in touch after a break up?Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do men keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

Join our conversation (238 Comments).
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  1. 181

    I just got dumped a few weeks ago by a guy I dated for 6 months. He claimed he was too busy for a relationship after declaring love to me and said he ‘needed space’. I gave him the space even though I was hurt and upset and whaddaya know, for the last two nights he had texts me. Nothing special, just ‘Hi how are you’. I asked how he was and he said he had a back injury blah blah blah (never the good news) Incredibly he then told me I was being ‘distant’??? wtf!

    My mistake: answering his text message. My redemption: I blocked and deleted him from my phone. I figured if he wanted me that much he was going to have to come beat down my door (I doubt he will do it)

    He won’t be texting me anymore because I won’t allow it. It sucks but it’s better than being on the end of a string.

  2. 182

    My name is Lisa, I was currently dumped be my husband after 12 yrs and the loss of my only child two months earlier, for a girl half his age. I two have received texts from my ex after a court hearing in counter with him. He broke down crying telling me he still loved me and had never stopped loving me. How is this possible? I asked, it is not possible. I have forgiven him, it seemed easier for me to forgive, anger and bitterness has not helped me to say the least. He will soon be 53 yrs old and has moved the 29 yr old girlfriend and her 7 yr old son into our home and he has basically put me out on the streets. I currently stay in the same neighbor hood with friends while trying to put my life back in order, while he continues on with this affair. I was too still in love with my husband and am finding it very hard to deal with, as I still grieve my daughters death as well. I felt no closure, to how and why this occurred. Sad part is when I found out about his girlfriend, he then started sleeping with her. Seemed a little quick to move her right in my home. He claimed that this was a fantasy. Just not sure why he wants to keep contact, spending hour texting me!

  3. 183

    Holy crap I thought it was just this guy who won’t stop laying guilt about how he’s a piece of shit, and I deserve better.. but why am I leaving him? Can we still be friends? I thoight maybe not now, but in the future… Yet he won’t call me, ever… because we “don’t want to be in a long distance relationship”, yet.. texting and e-mailing all the time is one, is it not?

    I swear I don’t understand why someone won’t fulfill needs (purposefully or unable) and yet won’t let the other person move on and find happiness. Being dragged along someone’s ego trip is not respect.

    Do they think we are just going to be doormats? Scratch that.. I’ve been a doormat before for a guy who did exactly that.. took advantage of my feelings to use my affection and support. That’s why this felt familiar, and I stopped it quickly.

    Anyway.. yes, move on, find a man who IS that into you. This guy is blocking the door.

  4. 184

    I was just dumped he told me I have to much in my life and he don’t want me to leave what  I have going on. But I really don’t have a lot going on I have my kids that’s normal and I attend to them when needed. They are all grown on their own. So am basically available and I told him that before so why now he used that excuse for a breakup? After I basically told him that after I’ve waiting so long for him how can he do and that I just can’t deal with me losing him in other words the reason he should give us or our love another chance. The next day he texted me that he is sure I’ll be ok .. what does that mean why he texting me after he dumped me

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