A Quick Story About Confidence
In 2004, I was a thirtysomething single guy who was fed up with dating.
After 200+ online dates, I’d been through the exact same experience as you.
- Women who flaked out on me.
- Women who did the slow fade after a seemingly good date.
- Women who insulted me — both in email, text and in person.
- Women who claimed to love me, but constantly criticized me.
- Women who — to put it kindly — were nothing like they portrayed in their profiles.
So while I wasn’t giving up on Match.com, on this night anyway, I was branching out: meeting my best friend, Josh, for drinks at a cool bar in downtown LA.
I got there at 9 and since Josh hadn’t arrived yet, I bought a drink and walked around the room. Maybe I was hoping to find a familiar face. Maybe I was hoping to scope out someone attractive that I might get the courage to approach. Turns out I got both.
Her name was Zoe.
I’d met her once or twice before through Josh. Long, dark hair. Big smile. Very warm.
It was hard to see her across the dark and crowded room, but I managed to make eye contact and beckoned her from 25 feet away with my right index finger.
Zoe smiled and strode across the room until she was standing right in front of me.
Suddenly, I noticed something.
“You have no idea who I am, do you?”
“No clue,” she admitted.
“I’m Evan, Josh’s friend. We met at his sister’s party last year.”
“Evan! Yes, that’s right! It’s good to see you again!”
As a dating coach, I was stunned by this development, so I just had to ask…
“Hey, Zoe, I just have one question…”
“Shoot,” she said.
“Is that how easy it is to get an attractive woman to approach you? Just smile and call her over with one finger?”
She paused for a half-second and then laughed.
“Evidently, it is!”
So there you have it.
I became an online dating expert because I was afraid to approach women in real life.
Then, clueless as ever, I got a beautiful woman to approach me with one finger.
I didn’t need to be gorgeous or witty or rich.
I just needed to be confident enough to say hi (even though I really wasn’t!)
Thus begins the first pillar on your journey to lasting love: Confidence.
The Mystery of Confidence
Confidence is the single most important quality you can have in relationships.
“Wait!” you might think. “Men are all about youth and beauty, aren’t they?”
Sure, looks will get you in the door, but that’s not what’s going to keep you inside. If you don’t have confidence, a healthy guy is going to look for another woman who does.
Better yet, let’s ask YOU:
Have you ever gone out with a guy who had no confidence?
He may have been cute. He may have been smart. He may have had a good job. But, for whatever reason, he didn’t feel good about himself.
He constantly asked for reassurance. He texted you incessantly. He was highly sensitive and easily triggered. He insisted on commitment before you were ready. He openly wondered why you were dating him. He reminded you that you were too good for him. He was perpetually jealous. He wore his insecurity like a blanket.
Yeah, he may be a nice guy, but BOY, is that nice guy exhausting!
Most women are attracted to men who believe in themselves, men who have opinions, dreams, and ambitions, men who stand up for their values.
This is the man who can emotionally and financially support you and your family.
This is the man who doesn’t let failure deter him; he picks himself back up, learns his lesson and continues on his quest.
This is the man who is strong enough to handle you when you’re feeling weak or insecure.
This is true self-esteem, the kind that comes from the inside out, where his confidence allows you to be your best, most vulnerable self with him.
This confidence is also very hard to come by. You know it when you see it — it’s incredibly attractive — but for some reason, you don’t always possess it yourself.
I mean, you know you’re a good person. You’ve been told you look great for your age. You trust that you’re smart, strong, and loving.
Yet, despite your education, your career, your hobbies, and your looks, you don’t carry yourself with confidence when it comes to men.
If anything, men bring out your most deep-seated insecurities.
Fear of abandonment. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of trusting. Fear of making an emotional investment in yet another man who will eventually disappoint you.
So even though you know intellectually that you have twenty different reasons to look in the mirror and be confident, when it comes to men, you don’t trust your judgment.
You see the worst in men. You’re confused by them. You’re wary of them. You suspect there’s something wrong with them — or maybe there’s something wrong with you. You believe that while love might be meant for other people, it might not be for you.
That’s your story. That’s your belief.
And it’s NOT TRUE.
Your fear of men and dating is a self-fulfilling prophesy if there ever was one.
Let’s flip things over again:
Imagine a man who was wary of women.
Imagine a man who thinks that you’re shallow, worries that you’re a gold digger, and treats you as if you’re a composite of his three craziest ex-girlfriends.
That man might be tall, dark, handsome and rich — but he’s not going be appealing to you.
His insecurity — his fear, his anger, his belief that he can neither trust you nor his own judgment — is a huge turn-off.
You want a man who’s comfortable in his own skin.
You want a man who knows his own worth.
You want a man who’s in touch with his feelings, owns his own mistakes, can laugh at himself, and still, at the end of the day, is a confident and trusting human being.
Well, guess what?
That’s EXACTLY what men look for in a woman.
We don’t care much about where you went to college, what you do for a living, or how much money you make. We’re really not too concerned by the number of countries you’ve visited, your workout regimen, or your childhood girlfriends.
Most men care about one main thing: how you make them FEEL.
[Create a meme for this and a tweetable…]
That FEELING — the one that stems from your inner confidence — is what makes men fall in love with certain women and run from others.
For some women — maybe even you — that may be hard to take.
“I spend so much time working, working out, socializing, reading, doing personal growth — and the main thing that matters is how I make him FEEL around me?”
That’s right. You don’t succeed in love because you’re a “catch” on paper.
Ask yourself these quick questions to see if you’re truly confident:
Do you consider yourself emotionally intelligent? (probably)
Do you have relationships with minimal drama? (mmm…not as much)
Do you enforce healthy boundaries with men? (can we skip this one?)
Do you speak your mind when you’re in a relationship? (I do, but it never goes well)
Do you think there’s something broken inside you? (yes, I have considered that)
Do you stay in dissatisfying relationships with selfish, unavailable, and critical men? (story of my life)
Do you believe that you can have deep, enduring, unconditional love in your life? (let’s just say my faith has been tested.)
Do you carry yourself with optimism, confidence, and joy? (it’s pretty hard after what I’ve been through.)
Your future husband NEEDS a woman who loves herself and refuses to be treated poorly.
You can be that woman.
But it’s going to take a pretty big shift in the way you view yourself, dating and men.
Okay, so where does that leave you?
First, let me acknowledge how tricky the concept of confidence is.
Affirmations can help. Mantras are nice. Vision boards are pretty.
You can even make a list of all your wonderful traits as a reminder as to you why you should never settle for less.
But that doesn’t mean that the next time you start dating a man, you’ll be the best version of yourself. Usually, when you like a guy, you turn into the worst version of yourself: awkward, fearful, needy, insecure, critical, obsessed.
It’s time to turn that around forever.
That requires a flip of a confidence switch that will forever change the way you see yourself and men see you.
It’s just one line — a mantra if you will:
Assume the answer is yes!
[Create a meme for this and a tweetable…]
Yes, he’s attracted to you.
Yes, he wants to sleep with you.
Yes, he likes you more than the other women he’s texting.
Yes, he wants to be your boyfriend.
Yes, he wants to make you happy.
Yes, he wants to marry you.
When you come from a place of confidence and abundance, and you assume the answer is yes every time, you immediately stop worrying about what he thinks about you, and can instead focus your time on what you think about him.
That doesn’t mean you have eliminated all your old fears and insecurities.
It just means that you’ve changed your focus from whether he likes you to whether you think he’s worthy of being your partner.
When you assume the answer is yes in all situations, two things happen.
- You start to feel a lot better about yourself. You are more relaxed on a date. You don’t obsess about whether he’s going to text you. You know there are tons of other guys out there. You’re more playful, vulnerable, and sexy. You can relax instead of stressing about dating. You become the best version of you.
- Men instantly start to gravitate to the woman above.
And why wouldn’t they? What man wouldn’t prefer a woman who’s sure of herself, knows her worth, and carries herself with confidence and joy?
Right now, I want you to feel that shift in energy.
You’re no longer the beggar in relationships. You’re the chooser.
You decide if you like how he shows up on a date.
You decide if you’re satisfied with his communication in between.
You decide if the attraction is strong enough.
You decide if, despite the strong attraction, he’s not making enough effort.
You decide if he’s ultimately not good husband material.
It’s not up to him. It’s up to YOU.
Assuming the answer is yes is powerful — and even if there’s a little bit of “fake it ‘til you make it” at the beginning, the results will still be overwhelming.
[Create a meme for this and a tweetable…]
The more practice you get assuming the answer is yes, the more you date with confidence, the more men will be attracted to you, the more they’ll ask you out again, the more they’ll want to commit as boyfriends, the more your true confidence will blossom inside.
Pretty soon, you’ll see what I saw first-hand.
You’ll be able to walk into a bar, see a cute guy, and beckon him over with one finger.
Miraculously, you’ll be the same person you are today — with one new feature — a bottomless well of confidence to attract men and ensure they treat you well.
On the few occasions that men don’t respond, your first thought will not be “what’s wrong with me?” but rather “his loss!”
Assume the answer is yes.
Try it on. See how it feels. Watch what it does for you.
And stay tuned for the next pillar on your journey to lasting love: Meeting Men