In this special Lovesplaining edition of the Love U Podcast, dating coach, Evan Marc Katz, answers a reader’s question “How Can I Relax In Dating If I’m 40 and Want a Family?”
The first two weeks of Lovesplaining are free for you to enjoy. Later, the Monday article, the Wednesday Q&A/podcast, the full Friday newsletter, and the ability to ask questions and get coaching will be for subscribers only.
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Dear Evan,
Everyone thinks I’m 32/33, but I have just turned 40. I am very far from being successful like your Love U clients, but I look great and am fit, smart, romantic, and generous. I can say without a doubt that I am a feminine energy type of woman.
I had a big myoma removed from my uterus three weeks ago, which means I can’t get pregnant until the at least six-month-long internal healing is complete. I’ve never been married and have no children. How am I supposed to do all the things that you – so correctly! – teach? How am I supposed to “let go of the outcome” and never worry about “the last page of the book”? How am I supposed to relax, let the man make up his mind about me at his own pace, and wait 2.5 or 3 years before I decide to marry someone?
You always say your wife was 38 when you met her, and that her age was a problem for you initially as you wanted two kids. Her age made you think twice, rush things a bit, and propose when you were not 100% sure yet. It worked wonderfully for you guys, but… Where does that leave me? I’m 40. Why would a man who wants a family choose to speed up more than you did – a process he does NOT need to hurry at all? If you felt this way about her age, what would a man feel after finding out that I’m 40? And if I did online dating, this family-seeking man wouldn’t even ask me out to begin with, as I wouldn’t want to lie that I’m 35.
How am I supposed to feel optimistic if, after realizing I’m way older than I look, men who want kids will see me as a bag of fruit about to go bad? How can I feel certain that everything will turn out all right if my only chance of having a family is having a man falling for me so hard and so ridiculously fast that he will marry me after six months or one year tops? I am not saying that I find this totally impossible or that I am not someone who could bring that out in a man. Far from it!
But it is such agony to think that this is the only way I can have a family. It’s like depending on a lottery prize to be able to retire or needing to score a goal in the last minute of a World Cup match in order to save your team from being sent home early. How can I grow and sustain this “cool girl who doesn’t worry about outcomes” attitude in this context?
I am seriously thinking of putting children out of my equation. Not because I don’t want a family anymore, but because right now at least I feel that this subject will only make me feel anxious or plain depressed and hopeless – and that definitely will not attract anything/anyone good to my life. What do you think? What is your take on this? My situation is such a painful and scary place to be, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Lots of love and THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything you do!
Ana
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