Women Are Racist
No, not really. But in John Tierney’s continued analysis of dating behavior, he cites some interesting studies that suggest that women are far less open to dating men of other races than vice versa.
African-American women said yes about 30 percent less often to Hispanic men; about 45 percent less often to white men; about 65 percent less often to Asian men.
Black women were the most averse to interracial dating, Asian women were the most open to it, and Asian men didn’t fare all that well.
I’m not going to hypothesize why – after all, I’m a dating coach, not a social scientist – but this very much corresponds with what I’ve heard from clients.
White women said yes about 30 percent less often to black or Hispanic men, and about 65 percent less often to Asian men.
With one exception. I’m a bit surprised at men’s openness to interracial dating. While I’ve personally dated women across the racial spectrum, I’ve only had a handful of clients who ever expressed preferences for women of other races. Then again, the demographics of my clients are probably a bit skewed towards upper-middle class white people.
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102 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating, Uncategorized
Carrie Freeman 1
Inter-racial dating is the majority of what I have done since I began dating! I married a black man, who I am now (17 years later) divorcing, but the point is that I think the world is FULL of potential, why limit yourself?
Cam 2
The pool of people they conducted the speed dating experiment on was hardly representative. As for men being open to dating all races, I would like to laugh long and hard about that one. I’ve given up on online dating because I was tired of seeing White/Asian, White/Hispanic or everything but Black in men’s racial preferences.
I did meet a White guy at a speed dating event who told me (after a couple dates) that I was the first Black person he ever dated and said he’d now be more open to dating Black women before breaking up with me (his militant sleep schedule and gardening obsession would have proved a strain had it gone on much longer). I doubt if every woman has the burden of being an ambassador for her race while dating, I’m at least glad I was a good one
m 3
A lot of Black women aren’t racist, and would welcome attention from men of other races (not just White men).
However, White men who don’t have the courage to take the “social risk” of dating a Black woman are bad relationship candidates for Black women who welcome the attention of all kinds of men.
TheObserver 4
Asian women are the RACIST females on the planet.
They allow themselves to be white washed and to hate their own race. Some only date only white males, even after repeated physical and emotional abuses.
Obviously you are rataing these women from the view point of a white male.
As for Asian males, what choice do they have, the white media has castrated them.
White media does its best to hype up the white male image and to discourage females from dating any other race of males.
singleinnewyorkcity 5
i would have to agree with the observer. i have many asian women friends that date only white men specifically for the reasons stated above.
yuki chin 6
Saying “I know people from group x who demonstrate this tendency and therefore am qualified to make a stupid generalization about all of group x” is the perfect way to stick your foot in it.
I am an Asian female who dates males of all ethnicities. My sister & I, my Asian girlfriends and – hell, even my non-Asian girlfriends – will date any man we find attractive, provided he has an open mind and doesn’t explain away his dating failures by blaming them on sociological patterns.
Again, this was a poll conducted on women willing to subject themselves to speed dating. This is hardly a representative sample.
polly 7
I am Korean, and to date have dated:
1 Korean
3 white guys
1 Persian
1 Israeli
1 Brazilian
1 Sri Lankan
1 South African (black)
1 Panamanian (black)
1 Haitian/Dominican (black)
1 southern black man
1 Japanese
1 Japanese/Peruvian
2 Puerto Ricans
1 Lebanese Canadian
Guess that makes me an equal opportunity slut.
Collins 8
I, a white guy, would date a woman of any skin color/ethnicity, just so she has room for me in her life & views me as an equal partner, not an ATM, sperm donor or rescuer. But black skin would be frosting on the cake; a crush on Motown singer Tammi Terrell paved the way to my attraction to black women in general. I like how many of them wear thin braids throughout their hair (& I’ve seen a few white women wear their hair that way as well). I’d find a partner’s braids useful for stroking her (or my) forehead or cheeks.
Michael Ejercito 9
And who might these women be? How were they identified? Was there a study of some sort identifying these women?
On a side note, many Asians are willing to consider dating whites because they live in places where whites outnumber Asians by 10:1 or more.
If white people turn down Asians 65 percent of the time, that means they accept Asians 35 percent of the time. This would mean that the ratio of the of whites willing to date Asians to Asians 35:10, a little over 3:1.
A-L 10
I’d be interested in knowing how much less likely men would be to date a woman outside of his race. I myself am the product of an interracial relationship, and I’ve dated men from all races. For me it’s more about body type than skin color. However, I’m on Match.com and many of the men specify white only, or will list Asian/Hispanic/Caucasian, or will list everything but Black. From talking with some people there’s a hypothesis that as a 27 year old female I would have a lot more winks/e-mails if I was white, rather than mixed. I hope this is not true, however.
hunter 11
There maybe, but, they don’t call it that, they say, they date within their league.
Eda 12
My hypothesis is that woman “seem” less open to interracial dating than men because for woman, the unstated goal of dating is often a more permanent, long-term relationship. By contrast for men, dating is more likely to just be viewed as dating — with no vision of anything long-term per se. I suspect, however, if the question had been would you marry someone of a different race, the differences between men and women would have been less pronounced….a lot more men would not be open to marrying a woman of another race. So, would a guy date a woman of another race? Absolutely. Would he, however, marry her? Probably not. Please note, that I am not criticizing men or women. I am just stating why I think there are differences.
A-L, I am a 44 year old black woman on Match.com. When I first went on, I had no idea how many winks, emails, etc women typically received. So, as I averaged about 1 -2 a week. I just thought that’s how it was. It wasn’t until I started reading blogs like this that I realized I get nothing in comparison to what younger white women receive. Given that I do consider myself average-looking/moderately attractive, but not hideous, this news was certainly a blow to my ego. But, that’s the reality. Black women, in general, and older black women for sure, have very little value in on-line dating….that is if you judge value in terms of quantity rather than quality of responses. So, I think, as with most things in our society, if something is hard for white women, it’s even harder for black ones.
A-L 13
Thanks for your reply, Eda. I always find your responses well-written and enlightening. Too bad I wish you had cheerier news.
Eda 14
A-L,
Thank you. I find your responses thoughtful and helpful as well.
Don’t fret, A-L — there is a bright side to my news that I should have emphasized in my first post. Even though I don’t tons of replies, the ones I do get are typically from good guys, and I do go on an average of two dates a week — which really is about all I can handle. While I can’t say that I’ve met the man of my dreams, all the guys I have dated have been decent, honest, and respectful. I have no dating horror stories…no mean, bitter or crazy guys. So, while my ego might wish for hundreds of replies, the practical side of me can’t complain. Hope that makes you feel better!
Choeun 15
Asian women/White men same old story here. Its love. No racism involved, but considered what white society has done to your asian men. Is there any inclination of racism involved or do you think we live in a happy world where no racism exist, well with the exception of your relationship. Hey, come to the UK the whites are particular barbaric, and impose a systematic form of racism. They often insult asian men and leave the stupid chinese girls asking questions such as Im in love and thats all that matters. Ask a asian man living here that is exposed to racism and sniggering comments almost everyday. There is a trick over here, thats why white men have been so successful.
Rachel 16
I am a product of an inter-racial AND inter-faith marriage, and my parents are still together! Being of Asian/Caucasian/Polynesian heritage, no matter whom I date, it will be inter-racial.
I have dated many ethnicities, often guys who were mixed: Hawaiian/Chinese/Filipino/Spanish; African/Swedish/Tahitian; Lebanese/Native American/Irish; Cuban/French/Jewish. Also a purebred German; pure English; and pure Swedish — guys from Europe. Love ‘em all. I also have lots of mixed friends, as well as friends who are of just one ethnicity. In my opinion, children of mixed heritage are absolutely gorgeous — and I would love to see the day in which all of us just see people and not race or skin color.
As for Asian women being very open to interracial dating and marriage — look at the kids and you’ll stop wondering why. Gorgeous, gorgeous! Especially the daughters. My old flat-mate and his girlfriend are both Japanese/Irish, and their toddler is spectacular. She went with daddy to see a big surfing competition, and all the magazine photographers were snapping her up. She could model.
As for black women supposedly being against it — well, I don’t know about that one. One of my best friends (Mexican/Irish) is dating a black girl; and another good friend (Asian/Caucasian/Polynesian) is also dating a black girl. Some of the most beautiful men and women I have ever met were black mixed with something else. So, if there are a lot of non-dating Asian guys and Black ladies — hey, someone ought to hook up and make another Tiger Woods.
Rachel 17
Thanks everyone, for making it all so clear. Internet dating? Speed dating? You have all masterfully painted the picture of a few sane, healthy people drowning in an ocean of socially unskilled hypocrites: Women who would deign to accept a five foot four Asian M.D., but only if he makes $360,000 more per year than a six foot four, white felon. Guys rating a “2.5″ on a Hollywood scale, want a “10″ who doesn’t judge them for anything so shallow as income or hairline.
Got it.
Okay, I’m using a lot of hyperbole, but there could be no greater advocate for the “old fashioned” method of meeting folks (face to face) than this collective voice. But hey, whatever works you guys, go for it.
E 18
“White media does its best to hype up the white male image and to discourage females from dating any other race of males.”
Sometimes it’s a womans family that discourages a
woman from dating a man of a different race.
A woman might be afraid to date a man of another race
if her family threatened to disown her if she ever did
date/marry outside her race. Some families are very
cruel in that way.
I know of a family member who was disowned
because they dated and then married someone of
another race.
JerseyGirl 19
“Guys rating a 2.5 on a Hollywood scale, want a 10 who doesn’t judge them for anything so shallow as income or hairline.”
—————————————————————————–
There is some truth in that. You always hear guys say “we like beautiful women, we are guys..we like sex, we are guys. We like a certain type of breast size..hair..age..we are guys…..and love us for our low paying, beer belly, burping, crude joke ways.” Why? Just for the simple fact that they are “men”. However, if women dare judge them for anything, we have entitlement issues and should “lower” our standards.
sugarbaby 20
as a african american man,who went to an all white school as a teenager in high school in the 80′s and couldn’t get a date to save me life, i resolved to never, ever let myself be like my narrowminded, bigoted classmates. i’ve been very lucky to have dated across the spectrum. i’m not so sure that men who say they have no problem dating women of a different ethnicity aren’t just out for sex. marriage is another thing altogether and i think men are more than likely to stick with “their own” if they want to have kids.
and i must say that i’ve found that most asian women on dating sites want to date white guys. i’ve seen profiles of women labeling themselves as exotic or “oriental delight”-no lie. so i feel for my asian brothers, who most likely have to compete with white guys all the time. of course, this habit of white men/asian women dating is endemic to the U.S.A.
The Reverend Terence Fformby-Smythe 21
i wonder how many asian guys want to date white women.
Karl R 22
sugarbaby (#20) said:
“im not so sure that men who say they have no problem dating women of a different ethnicity arent just out for sex. marriage is another thing altogether and i think men are more than likely to stick with their own if they want to have kids.”
There’s probably something to this.
Part of this may be due to cultural reasons, not racism. I know a couple women from eastern Europe, and would be cautious about dating someone from that culture, even though they’re the same race as me. (One of the women has offered to set me up with her attractive best friend, so this is not a purely hypothetical exercise for me.) In that culture, families place enormous pressure on the women to get married. I don’t want to have to wonder whether a woman is marrying me just because of that pressure.
I’m currently dating an Indian/Filipino woman who grew up in middle-class America, just like me. When we first met, I thought she was Indian. This worried me a little, since I know that Indians frequently face a lot of pressure from their families to marry inside their own culture. When she told me that her father was Indian and her mother was Filipino, I realized that she wouldn’t receive that kind of pressure from her own family.
Child-rearing exacerbates any cultural (or religious) differences. Even though my family is rather dysfunctional, I still base my ideas on child-rearing on how my parents raised me. If I were at all interested in having kids, those differences would be of major importance to me.
Sahaja 23
I think Eda makes a valuable point about women taking dating more seriously. I myself will date a guy of all reces, but as I get older, I sometimes wonder what would be a deal breaker in terms of marrying someone. Is there a point to dating someone long term if you both know it would never go anywhere due to cultural/religious differences? I dated a jewish man and a lebanese christian man and though both relationships were great, they ended because there was a disparity in who we date and who we marry – Namely, they had to marry someone of the same religion. And there is the next generation to consider as well – what will they be – not really race wise, bc thats not an issue, but religion is a big thing. I suppose it would be easier being Christian, since people of all races are christian – I think religion is a bigger issue in relationships than race.
As far as the asian women question – population wise there’s a whole lot of us! Abt a 1/3 of the world are asian, if not a bit more. I actually had no idea that we were more open to dating other races than women of other races ( say that 5 times fast =) ) – I just thought all women were the same in that. Being an asian woman myself, a lot of my friends and I have noticed a lot of interracial dating on both sides – men and women. I just never thought of it as an issue at all. However, I do wonder if the statistics are different for south and east asians.
In a way, its nice to date someone outside of your own race, because you open up whole new worlds to each other – Its a curiousity thing and its exciting and amazing. On the flip side, dating some one from your own culture – they have a unique understanding of where you come from that you never have to explain. So who kknows?
Sorry, this is way longer than I intended – but shouldn’t we also consider culture over race? I’ve found that UK guys, english or asian alike are more similar to each other than the same race in America.
Cilla 24
I am white and have dated across the spectrum, but I have also come to the conclusion that I prefer darker men, whether African American, Aisian, or Latino. However, of that group, it is mostly African American men who are attracted to me. I was discussing this with a friend who has also fallen into the habit of dating almost exclusively black men. We both agreed that the African American men we had encountered were more open to a variety of body types and had a greater comfort with their sensuality than their white counterparts, which made them more attracted to us curvy types and made them more attractive to us (we happen to like men who are more sensual). Does this make us racist to draw generalizations from our experience, even they are positive ones? If I date only African American men, is that just another form of racism? I’m not asking facetiously–I’d like to hear what other people have to say.
To the Reverend: I’d have to say, I don’t see a lot of Asian men on dating sites, compared to other men. Since I’ve done searches looking for essentially non-white men, I would think they would show up if they were available. I’m not in a part of the country where there is a large Asian population, but even when I search nationally, I don’t get a lot of hits. When I do come across an Asian man, he is usually looking in a much younger age category (I’m 46 and they’re usually looking in the 30 and younger group, regardless of their age). I assume they are looking for someone who can potentially give them children–I’m not sure if there are any other cultural phenomena that account for this. Thoughts, anyone?
Michael Ejercito 25
As far as the asian women question – population wise theres a whole lot of us! Abt a 1/3 of the world are asian, if not a bit more. I actually had no idea that we were more open to dating other races than women of other races ( say that 5 times fast =) ) – I just thought all women were the same in that. Being an asian woman myself, a lot of my friends and I have noticed a lot of interracial dating on both sides – men and women. I just never thought of it as an issue at all. However, I do wonder if the statistics are different for south and east asians.
I wonder if Asians’ openness towards dating other races depends on where they grew up.
MILENA 26
I am white female from eastern Europe. I am usually attracted to white guys and tall Latinos ( I am tall and I would like to date a guy who is at least a little taller then me.)
I dated African American guy once but it did not really work out.
The InBetweener 27
I don’t think ALL women are racist, that would be absurd.
The thing is, I PERSONALLY know women that are of different ethnic backgrounds that would not mind being friends (close or not) with guys outside their own race, but when it comes to dating them, they say “HAIL NO!!” (for whatever reasons)
Now, I’m not sure if that is enough to call them racist but I would say they have “preference issues”. Or at least, if they were asked, they would probably say that they are not attracted to other races.
I am of an interracial background myself. (American Indian-African American-Puerto Rican) I could NEVER see NOT dating someone based on their race.
How can I honestly say that I would like to be “in love” (which is kind of like the ultimate goal) but then turn around and eliminate like, I don’t know, 90% of my options? Based on race? It just seems too beneath me.
tony 28
Absolutely true statement. I’m non-white in this country from south asia. And also not a bad looking guy. But I know in the last 10 years, how much I have been preducided by white women, black women and even hispanic women. The only women who has been sweet and caring a bit and cared to throw away the shallow parts and look with me, were Asian girls. Specially the ones who have been in this country for a short period.
A-L 29
I agree with Karl R that race is more of a cultural issue than a skin color one. I’m cautious about dating men from some foreign countries because in their societies the woman traditionally has the role of being subservient to the husband, while being responsible for all of the household care with no assistance from him. Then there are some people in the US from certain socioeconomic groups that don’t value education and think that earning a living by getting welfare for children from multiple partners is okay. These are also individuals I stay away from.
Sometimes one race is more likely to have people of a certain culture that I find undesirable, but I don’t bar all people of that race based on that tendency. I try and gauge (from their profile, and their other communications if we get that far) whether or not that individual has potential for me. And as egotistical as this sounds, I wish everyone else would take the same approach (though I realize I can’t change anyone’s actions but my own).
I also just wanted to comment that racial discrimination is not just from the “dominant” perspective of people who only want whites. Yeah, there are the white guys who only want whites, or whites/Latinas/Asians. Then you also have the black guys who only want to date black women, or will date a woman of any ethnicity so long as it’s not white. Then there are the people (like the one Evan touts having helped find a partner) who are a member of a minority race but only want to date a white person. Basically, everything’s rather convoluted with this whole racial issue.
Asian male interracial philanderer 30
As a veteran Asian male interracial philanderer who has been with many women (lost the count years ago, don’t even remember many names from before 2003), my only suggestion to my fellow Asian blood brothers and to other disenfranchised members of the human race is to NOT look for women on the Internet. The potentiality of the Internet, the wide and often free access of online dating, and the differences in the way women think (online, they get MORE selective while you become less selective) leads to some extreme power law dynamics (look up “power law” if you don’t get the term) for online dating. That means many for a very few. I know this will not make any logical sense, but every woman is looking for a young Clint Eastwood online, regardless of their realistic ability to attract, much less keep, a young Clint Eastwood. Unless you are black and can attract the “size queens”, the more differently you look from a young Clint Eastwood, the less time you should invest on finding women on the Internet. Does that mean you cannot score on the Internet? Of course not, but you can much more efficiently use your limited resources of time and energy on other aspects of life and you will attract women if you are attractive and around enough women. Just remember, be your best, take it easy but not too easy, look out for your fellow disenfranchised brothers, and never pass up an opportunity, because there is nothing like no-holds-barred interracial porn sex with a busty Caucasian woman when you are a member of a truly oppressed demographic.
Sayanta 31
I prefer not to date men of my own race- so what does that make me? Reverse racist? hmmmm
A-L 32
Sayanta’s #31: Why is that?
Sayanta 33
Well- I’m Indian, and I’ve found that a lot of Indian men are very um…traditional, particularly in the way that they view women. Even the ones who’ve grown up in the West. Personally, I’ve been treated better by men of other races.
Sayanta 34
A-L’s post #10-
“From talking with some people theres a hypothesis that as a 27 year old female I would have a lot more winks/e-mails if I was white, rather than mixed. I hope this is not true, however.”
I think this is true, unfortunately. Not to sound egotistical, but I’m a 30 year old woman with a hot pic and I get a lot of winks and messages. BUT I know the number would be a lot more if I was white. For Chrissake, I see men of COLOR who write “I only want a white woman” on my profile. And I have white girlfriends with so-so pics (just the pics, they’re definitely hot in real life) who get tons more winks/e-mails than I do. My profile’s pretty cool and laid back sounding from what guys have told me. So the main reason I think I’m not getting quite as many e-mails as I would like is probably racial.
I mean, if most guys write “Caucasian preferred” (and most do), that kind of knocks me off the list.
Sayanta 35
Sorry for my constant string of comments- I just came across this post now, and I thought it was a great topic.
A couple of people mentioned how if marriage becomes a deciding factor, most people will stick within their own race. This poses a problem for me sadly- from my above post, I can’t see myself married to a person of my own race because of the way I’ve seen most Indian men treat their wives. However, if men just want to stick within their own race for marriage, that’s obviously a problem for me too…one of life’s dilemmas, I guess.
A-L 36
Well, for those people looking for a match of a different race, there is hope. My white mom married my black dad. My white sister first married a biracial guy, then a black guy. My black sister has a white partner. And my black brother married a biracial gal, and is currently seriously seeing a white woman. And this is just my immediate family. Interracial marriages, though not the norm, are getting to be more common so there’s hope for us all.
Michael Ejercito 37
This poses a problem for me sadly- from my above post, I cant see myself married to a person of my own race because of the way Ive seen most Indian men treat their wives. However, if men just want to stick within their own race for marriage, thats obviously a problem for me tooone of lifes dilemmas, I guess.
Yes.
You are different from most women of your race, since they tend to be more traditional.
For Chrissake, I see men of COLOR who write I only want a white woman on my profile.
Yes, that happens quite a bit in a place that is predominantly white.
It is likely that in parts of China, there are ethnic Koreans who would only date Chinese.
Sayanta 38
A-L- Your post is reassuring- you’re lucky to have grown up around so many open minded people. May I ask what area of the US you’re from?
A-L 39
Sayanta- My family moved a lot while growing up. If we had to attach home states to ourselves (which is difficult with all the moving) I’d say that I’m from Louisiana while my siblings would probably consider themselves from Maryland. I will also say that Columbia, MD has a reputation for a ton of interracial relationships. Just a little FYI.
Sayanta 40
A-L-
That’s so interesting, that the two states you mention are Southern- and I hate to admit it, but I’ve always believed the southern stereotypes about race relations down there- just from personal experience.
I grew up in Queens and moved to Jerz when I was 12, and have been here ever since. You would think Jerseyans would be pretty open-minded, right? Wrong. Although things are changing now. And there were some narrow-minded people in Queens too, believe it or not.
A-L 41
Though I would love to say that the south is far more progressive than it’s given credit for, all of the interracial relationships I mentioned above began in Maryland with the exception of one that started in Colorado. And I think Maryland would be considered more northern than not (it didn’t secede during the Civil War, for instance) but so it goes.
That being said, though, I do date long-term relationship-minded men of different races down here in Louisiana. No proposals yet, but they’re not all totally closed off to the idea. So again, there’s hope.
starthrower68 42
Post #30 reminds me why I don’t date. Being a casual observer is much less stressful.
starthrower68 43
I am curious though, what’s the fascination with caucasian women, anyway? And I am one. When I was trying online dating, I got more attention from African American men than any other race, including caucasian men.
Sayanta 44
To Starthrower #43-
I can’t speak for other races, but among Indian men, white women are ‘trophies’- a sign that you’ve really arrived in society. It’s a form of self-hatred, a product of inferiority complexes stemming from racism, imperialism, etc.
That said- I tend to enjoy dating white men myself- ONLY- because I’ve usually had the best time with them on dates. Of course, I’ve only been asked out by white and Indian guys in my 30 years- and one philipino who was pretty cool, so I guess I’m biased.
Joe 45
Despite being south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Maryland isn’t really a southern state. Of course, the further one gets from DC or Baltimore, the more…shall we say “rural” it gets.
starthrower68 46
Sayanta, I guess that answer makes sense. In response, I would say I’m not going to be into a relationship just to be a “trophy”. I’m not here to be somebody’s “status symbol”. If that’s their interest is based on, then it’s probably going to be a superficial relationship the rest of the way and I don’t have time for that.
A-L 47
Though there probably are some guys who view a white person as a trophy, I doubt that’s the primary reason why nearly every guy’s willing to date a white woman. The media have been shown to promote a very specific form of beauty for decades (very slender, and white). The emergence of women of other races being shown as examples of great beauty in the media has really only started happening in the last fifteen years. So for guys who were growing up prior to ’93-’95 then their classical standard of beauty was generally a white thin woman, and that’s how their tastes of what attractive developed, and hence, their dating patterns.
Michael Ejercito 48
I wonder what it is like in other countries. I am sure that in China, the media there portrays Chinese women as beautiful.
Sayanta 49
“I wonder what it is like in other countries. I am sure that in China, the media there portrays Chinese women as beautiful.”
No- sadly, Western standards of beauty are upheld throughout the world- hence the selling of skin bleach throughout India and Latin America. Nowadays, many Indian women get blue or green contacts in an effort to look more “Western.” It’s sad. I actually wrote an article about this once.
As for China, there was a huge thing in Marie Claire about the lengths that women go there to fit into the ideal white-woman image. Examples are hair dyeing and eyelid tucks. Some women have painful surgery to increase their height- this involves breaking the shin and adding a rod to the bone to lengthen it. I was seriously nauseated when I read this.
Michael Ejercito 50
No- sadly, Western standards of beauty are upheld throughout the world- hence the selling of skin bleach throughout India and Latin America. Nowadays, many Indian women get blue or green contacts in an effort to look more Western. Its sad. I actually wrote an article about this once.
Why would the media in China sell a Western standard of beauty?
Sayanta 51
Michael-
see the first paragraph of my post#44
I don’t know if you’re white or not- but to a person of color, things like this are usually obvious.
AlexMjeia 52
Why do you guys keep on thinking that “Latino” is a race?????? we are not a race. I am from Chile, direct descendant of Irish and 110% latino. Latinamerica, like the rest of the continent, is a multiethnic region. If you are latino you can have any ancestry.
Maria 53
I am saddened deeply by this post. #30 Asian male, #52 Alex, the pain people experience form their ethnic heritage is sad. I have dated men from all countries/ethnic backgrounds by now for sure. I can’t list them all because I admit I have been a dating machine, and I never even ask the question “so, what are you?” I am italian, almost a completely lost culture here in the western states, and I am proud of my ancestry and traditions. There is little time in life to feel pain from others who might want to judge harshly due to your lineage. When you meet someone where race is an issue (you can ask a lead in question to see what their reality is), just move on. Racism is shallow and ignorant and personally I need a man in my life who is more open to life and love.
Paul 54
I find that Interracial dating is just another form of racism. At first I use to think it was all about love, but after living a little, I can see many men and women who date interracially do so to fulfill some sort of fetish or because they hate their own people. I talked to many asian women who told me they wouldnt date asian men because they are too “Insert negative stereotype”.
And they says IR dating is a result of open-mindness…. the irony i tell ya.
Michael 55
I talked to many asian women who told me they wouldnt date asian men because they are too “Insert negative stereotype”.
Of course, it could be asked why anyone would want to date them , if they are too “Insert negative stereotype”.
I am an Asian man and I only want to date white women, and I will admit that it is only because of sexual attraction, not because of any deficiency that Asian people have in common.
Maria 56
Rock on Michael,
Date those whom you have a sexual attraction for. Period.
T 57
Im a black woman and while I must say that back in the day(well the late 90′s) I saw a lot of white guys on their profile check every single ethinicity they could but exclude black(but they didnt seem to mind emailing a sista for discreet sex, go figure). Anyway as of about 2001 and so on ALL I EVER seem to get are white guys(hispanic guys following a close second) IM messaging me! Not really sure when this “shift happened”. Also it seemed back sometime ago white guys felt a bit more comfortable if the black woman happened to be mixed as if it was making it not so bad to date her since she wasnt “all” black.
Now its to the point that its seems like white guys will question a black woman on her decisions if she says she doesnt date white guys (Booyah Hello!!!! “Oh oh its because Im white isnt?” or “Oh so youre not going to give me a chance b/c Im not a brotha huh?) I mean I remember a time when they were waaaaaay more timid. So I dont know what match.com is doing(and Ive been hearing some skeething stuff on them as a whole) but wow other sites Ive frequented the white guys are out for black women and ethinic woman and DO NOT care about what society friends and (surprisingly of all) family have to say.
Yes I have and do date outside my race. Come on now Eda even though youre 44 im pretty sure knowing the skin were blessed with that you look 24! So you might want or HAVE to lower you age preferences for the guys who think youre younger on first view of your profile ;0)
Michael 58
Having read forums on PlentyOfFish.Com , I have read disturbing comments from white men who put down white women, and refuse to date them because of character deficiencies that they allege white people share. And yet, they never ask themselves why anyone would date them if white people shared these character deficiencies.
JerseyGirl 59
Is it really “racist” to not want to date someone of a certain ethnicity? It’s it about preferences? My Indian girlfriend married a white man and my white girlfriend loves asian men. Go figure. I prefer Austrailians..does that make me racist? They make my little heartbeat.
Sayanta 60
A personal observation of mine has been that people tend to be more polite to opposite sex members of another race- whether this has to do with political correctness, I don’t know. And of course there are exceptions- a skinhead’s probably not going to be nice to me.
But this factor plays a role in people dating outside their race. At least it has for me.
Samis 61
As a male of Indian descent I’d say Sayanta’s view is mostly true when it comes to “traditional” Indian men – meaning those who’re either first generation, and especially recently emigrated. But I think that’s mainly true for most first generation men from any culture that isn’t Western European based (i.e. you can say that about Russian, East Asian, Middle East, etc to varying degrees.)
For the second generation it’s a bit tricky because their attitudes are a lot more “American” when it comes to gender. Plus many earlier immigrants went into professions like medicine and engineering, and lived in upper middle class neighborhoods. So their dating preferences tended to reflect the majority population of men and women depending on which way you go. Why that is is something for the anthropologists to discuss.
Of course to say that American men are the least sexist males on Earth is probably an overstatement. It really depends on the individual.
A-L 62
Re: JerseyGirl’s #59
I don’t like to put the “racist” label on anyone, and in terms of someone’s dating habits, it’s a very touchy, personal issue. But there’s a part of me that thinks it is racist if you categorically refuse to date (or even consider dating) every single individual of a particular race or ethnic group, simply because of their race. I understand that we all have preferences about what our mate looks like. And stereotypes exist because many people within a group (be it gender, race, geographic location, etc) have those similarities. But I don’t like those blanket statements being made and ruling everyone out.
For instance, my dad emmigrated from a Caribbean nation in the 60s and he has a very patriarchal, traditional, and somewhat chauvinistic view of how male/female relationships should work. Most people from that part of the world are the same way. However, one of his good friends is totally different in terms of helping with housework and having a much more egalitarian perspective. If I ruled out all immigrants (or immigrants from more traditional societies) then I would miss out on someone totally great who does have what I’m looking for. (By the way, I have no interest in hooking up with my dad’s friend, just using this as an example.)
The same thing goes for purely racial (appearance) issues. I might have a preference for Middle Eastern/Hispanic/Indian looking men, but there are individuals of every race who just make your mouth water, and you’d be happy to go out and marry any of them.
Basically, I think it’s okay to have preferences, but don’t make it an unbreakabe rule.
Chen 63
Women who refused to date their own race are driven by the hatred they have for the things they can not change about themselves. Such as ethnic appearance, education background, family wealth etc. By reaching a “higher” race, it make them fulfill more self-worth. It’s a intricate and complex subject, but strip it down far enough, this is what it is, low self esteem combined with false ideology mix with some media brain washing.
I heard a lot of Asian women complain there is no good Asian men because most of them are shy, introverted, nerdy, unfit. etc but yet most of the time when I spot a AW/WM couple, the man is always nerdy, bald average looking. I have never seen a Asian woman out with a Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves look like. I think Asian woman simply WANT to believe these stereotypes are true and use them to convince themselves that there is no need to give an given Asian men a second look.
starthrower68 64
A white woman is only a trophy if she’s not a plus-sized white woman; at least that is what I have observed. A woman could be successful, smart, accomplished, and have a heart of gold, but if she is seen as not being a valuable person. Of course I’m not making a blanket statement about every man, but it’s true of the majority.
And women of all races are beautiful. All women are beautiful in their own way. Just because it doesn’t fit some ideal or standard doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Michael 65
I heard a lot of Asian women complain there is no good Asian men because most of them are shy, introverted, nerdy, unfit. etc
Most likely because good Asian men do not want women (of any race) who are shy, introverted, nerdy, unfit, etc.
Maybe if those women ought to stop being shy, introverted, nerdy, unfit, etc. they will find many more good Asian men.
trackfield 66
This Milenia is not Eastern European. You sound like a fat whale American woman since you want tall men.
CaramelExec 67
As I read all the comments, #62 (A-L) wrote how I have thought in my years of dating. A man who falls in love with a woman, and vice versa, whether inside or outside their race, is a natural thing. Attractions are very common, and love does make things happen.
I am a 32-yo black male account executive. I travel all over the US. I have dated all races of women through the internet other than Asian and Indian, and I think its because I have not met one interested in dating me (due to race? who knows!). I ask ladies the same question What do you like about me?, they gave me a lot of inner qualities, though almost all said they did rate/judge me on my appearance AT FIRST.
I see many different IR matches, and geography does play a part, except when people are in college. My take is: people who have either traveled abroad or have a biracial background/heritage/legacy are more open to IR dating, because they adapt to their surroundings (travel) or their racial chain is not just one (heritage).
I personally think it is irrational for women and men alike to say, I will never date a (fill in the race) man/woman strictly because of what other people have said or what they have heard over forms of media (like word of mouth, TV, etc), and especially if they have never dated that race before. Many stereotype folks simply because they just dont know. I think the phrase goes, Dont knock it until you have tried it! Parents used to say that about different foods: why cant some say that about dating different races?
BigKahuna 68
I agree with this article. I am an asian and I travel across the country. White women are the most racists when it comes to Asians. In their opinion, since they are accepting to black men; they are open to all races.
Black woman, on the other end, one needs a sledge hammer to break the ice. But they are the same with all men including black men.
Hispanic is all about the green card …
However, I cannot say the same in Europe. I was amazed; i went for a burger and ended up closing the joint. Of all my travels, i always have the most incredible dates in Europe.
valmont 69
that is not called racism. racism is the HATRED of other races.
This is called choices, ex: women almost ALWAYS want a guy who is taller, you can’t force them to choose otherwise.
For me, I would never date a women with a size A breast for example. that’s life.
katie 70
white girl speaking! i had a tumultuous yet loving relationship with my ex of three years, who was black/mexican. my current boyfriend is chinese-american, and despite the criticisms you may have heard about asian men, he really does bring the passion. :3
Jink 71
I am an Asian man and I see that times are changing. 10 years ago, I hardly find one Asian male/white female couple in the streets. Now I see it more (in L.A. and San Francisco area), but still not a lot. I see it in Seattle too. But, in NYC, I hardly see one Asian male/white female couple based on my ‘limited’ travel there.
I am into Latin women and I got to say they are even more close mindedabout Asian men than white women are (based on my experiences). They are very into your looks and build and very blunt about it. The funny thing is that the Latin women in Mexico (based on my travel there) and recent immigrants to USA are very open to Asian men, while it is the US born or raised ones who are close minded (possibly due to American media and hip hop influences). Latina women in Texas are very open to Asian men (from my travel there) whereas NYC Latin women are not. Californian Latin women are in between (the immigrant and lower class ones are approachable, but the Americanized ones who are into hip hop are not).
Destroy the “Asian Geek” image! « *wink* *wink* *wink* 72
[...] commented on interracial dating in his post (get this) called “Women are Racist” (the comments should be required reading in sociology [...]
satan 73
what is it with interracial dating? most people don’t do it, and more importanly they don’t have too.
Cindy 74
I don’t think these stats are altogether true. I think they are skewed by only representing the type of people prone to internet dating and leave out a good number of people who rely way more on their networks in the real world than those online.
For example, I am a white American female of European descent from NYC and I’ve dated across the spectrum, and you know what, I LOVE Asian men the best! My boyfriend, who I met in grad school, is from China (foreign student) and I think he’s one of the most awesome guys ever. He is 5’6″ by the way and I like that too. I am 5″4′ so consider him to be the perfect height for me. I guess just looking at me though, one wouldn’t peg him as my type. He surely didn’t! Had a mutual friend not confided in me that my boyfriend initially assumed by default I would never be interested, (i.e. had written off the possibility), and so if I wanted to turn the tide so to speak, I would have to be really, painfully obvious, (and oy vey I’m flirt-shy by nature), in my flirting with him, which worked! Otherwise I would have assumed he was just not interested in me and/or that he only liked Asian women, and given up. It would have never occurred to me that he would assume because I was white, though I might be friendly I would never be interested in him in that way. I mean in my circle of friends, about 65% of the interracial marriages are between AM/WF – that’s eight couples out of 12 for you. (The other four couples are: white husband/black wife, WASP husband/Middle Eastern wife, Jewish husband/Latina wife and East Indian Gujarati husband/white wife (technically AM/WF)). These 12 couples all met through friends, work, travels or at school but none online.
Actually most of the people I know who are in interracial relationships met in the real world and the vast majority of these couples are either married or together for many years. I can’t think of one interracial couple who met online. Now my friends who went for online dating however, ended up with someone from their own race ironically enough.
@Jink – I went to a high school in NJ, near NYC, that was 95% Hispanic in population, and many of my Latina classmates positively drooled over Asian men (well mostly Filipino or Hapa to be precise) but had the hardest time getting their attention (such as at interscholastic sporting events). They flirted to no avail or were too shy. Many of these girls went to the same University as me and would always wistfully look at the Asian guys from a distance as a result. Seems to me there might be some wires crossed here, since I know a lot of Latina women in the NYC area more than happy to date an Asian guy. I think they just don’t know how to approach them since typical flirting has failed them in the past or they feel that Asian men prefer Asian women exclusively. And I see many more AM/WF couples in NYC (at the very least one couple every time I am there), mostly around Korea Town and typical date spots in Midtown or the West Village.
Ed 75
@valmont Let’s get one thing straight racism is not just about hate. It’s can be about bias and preference. A person who is truly not racist is someone who has the ability to love and fall in love with someone regardless of their race.
Having a racial preference is unfortunately a part of being american. It may not be about hanging someone or kicking someone off the bus but it’s still racist. We should be striving to be more open to viewing all races as attractive rather than accepting that we supposedly have preferences that we have no control over.
As for Asian women, well they take internalized racism to amazing levels. I feel sorry for the Asian community.
Some Things are Obvious 76
It’s a simple answer why males seem more open to dating interracially, especially white males. To White males “interracial dating” only means “Interracial f*cking”. They look at dating (when it comes to other races, in particular) as an opportunity to have a different variety of sexual conquest. However, women date with a long-term mindset. They date in expectation of finding ‘the one’. So black women, having dealt with the racism in this society for centuries, know that it’s going to be difficult to come home after dealing with racism in the outside world and have a man who can relate to the experience (on the victimized side of the coin) on a personal level.
OBSERFUSE 77
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Anne 78
I think everyone should have their own PREFERENCES. I don’t mind interracial couples. In fact, my parents are an interracial couple BUT I can’t help but be physically attracted to a certain “type” or even a certain “race” which I happen to be 75% of because of my own family background and growing up during the 80s when I saw mostly Caucasians in the media and even in my neighborhood. In fact, I even read in Scientific American… an article about how people normally talk/hang out etc. with those that are “similar” to themselves (i.e. gender, race, size, apparel or just Anything that would make two people find themselves “similar” to each other or Something to that effect.) It’s true, I do see “mixed race” groups of people hang out, date etc but (at least in my town) I still Normally* see those of the same/similar race date/hang out etc. In my opinion, people should date who they are attracted to, and not because they are dating someone that makes them look more politically correct. I also want to point out Lesbians (for example) supposedly can’t help but be attracted to only women no matter how hard they could attempt to be straight, they can’t force themselves to be attracted to someone they aren’t into. I believe it’s the same with race. If a person isn’t attracted to a white person or a “little person” for example… they can’t just switch off what they aren’t attracted to so they please the rest of society. Attraction doesn’t work that way. Just my opinion.
L 79
Women discriminate more than men because of child bearing. Usually, the females are the ones that choose the mate (women like to be desired) while the males choose to mate with any females (men just can’t get enough).
noname 80
I’m a white female, and I’m into foreign men pretty much exclusively. It’s not so much what race you are, it’s if they’re not from Canada. I love Nordic, Irish, Jamaican, Korean, Australia, anywhere!
However, Asians hold a special place in my heart. Japanese and Korean men are the greatest. Especially Koreans. Unfortunately… it’s hard to find Asian guys who like white girls. lol =(
Sayanta 81
Noname-
Huh??? Most Asian men (and women) I’ve met almost exclusively like whites!
ATLdude 82
i myself is black and i live in atlanta georgia. I have a child by a white women i dated alot of white women and black women throughout my life… But one thing i have to say and i would say im not an ugly guy! Im about 5’11 215 i have an athletic build with a little tummy…. I attend georgia state university study accounting and i graduate next semester and i also play football! At my school there are id say about 20% asian, 30% indian 10% Latino, 40% of the rest… But i never see indian women with blackmen or asian women with blackmen or even latino women with blackmen! All i know is i bring something to the table but never can i get any of these women! So you tell me if its not racist can someone please tell me where i can find the women of these ethnicities who date blackmen! O and also middle eastern women!
jj 83
This is for the woman who wanted tips on dating an Asian guy. The quick way is to have a business card and give it to the guy. Don’t worry about flirting – a lot of Asian guys are not into the public flirting thing so much; one-on-one is easier. Talk on the phone, email, and chat online. Don’t give it up on the first date – you have to get him to call you and ask you out a couple times.
About marriage – if you’re looking for a relationship, find out how he feels about the interracial relationship. Maybe it depends on the city or race or social circle, but a lot of guys are totally cool with it. Some are not. Of the American born on the West Coast, I’d say that around half are going to be married interracially, and of the Asian-Asian pairings, a little more than half will be inter-ethnic or inter-religion. (In other words, maybe 1/4 of the guys will find someone within their ethnic community… and that’s mostly going to be 2nd generation guys who live in or near ethnic centers like SF or LA.)
If you spot a dude who is hanging in an inter-ethnic or inter-racial crowd, you’re so in, it’s ridiculous.
Maverick 84
I think it’s true that a lot of women exclude asian men because of stereotypes (not manly, boring, not athletic) because of stereotypes that are perpetuated in the media. You can see these stereotypes being bumped up against in the media now with the Jeremy Lin phenomenon.
At the same time, a lot of Asian men will not consider women who are not white or Asian (sometimes it’s only one). So … this is not really a one-way street. Furthermore, a lot of these Asian men who do this tend to express opinions similar to TheObserver #4 which … to put it lightly … comes across as somewhat whiny and chauvinistic. This tends to be represented in the rest of their interactions with women as well. Which isn’t very masculine or attractive to women, as I understand it.
Also @Jink — I live in NYC and see a lot of Asian men / white women couples. Do you go to the East Village?
Ru ja 85
It most definitely is touched for men of south Asian or Asian decent to meet people on match on even when we go out. People have tons of stereotypes about different ethnicitites and women have it better then men do. Match has been such a waste of money for me, everyone woman including other races say they prefer caucasisnambit it slightline climes the younger te women.
patrick 86
Women are more likely to cave into societies prejudices and standards. Men are more free thinkers and are willing to step out of the boundaries. I believe it’s because of how women and men live. Women are more relient on men whereas men are more relient on themselves. So, society preaches to white women that black men are all thugs and worthless, and their racist parents forbid them to date black men, so you have a huge population of women that are more racist than their male counterparts.
I’ve basically gave up on trying to pursue women.
John 87
As an Asian American male (yes, there is a BIG difference between Asian and Asian American considering we live on opposite ends of the planet) my dates have thus far been with White females. Never gave it much thought until I came across this forum, I always assumed women in general were looking for certain things in men, in general. I was more under the impression women wanted men with muscles and being able to fix cars and houses. So under that presumption, I just exercised, ate a lot, and learned to fix a car. So I’m about 6’2, weigh close to 190 and my car only breaks down when I kick it to death.
I’m sure there are some “invisible barriers” that prevent people from even chatting with each other (let’s face it, rejection does suck), but I think you’d be surprised how much the “other side” will open up if you take the first approach.
Rachael 88
Well…my first thought while reading this is, “Hey! I’m a white woman who married a Vietnamese man! This isn’t true!”
And then my second thought was, “The plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’.”
Thing is, my personal observations (more anecdote) jive with the data presented above. Most white women don’t date Asian-American men. (Honestly? I think this is largely about the height issue, though. We really discriminate against short men. My husband is 5’10″, an inch shorter than me, and at my low threshold for male height.)
But there is also the “Asian men don’t marry white women” part of the story. Sure, they date white women, but many (in my anecdotal experience) go back “home”, to the women their mother will approve of for a daughter-in-law.
So, yeah, I think it’s true. Women don’t date so much outside their race. And I think men don’t MARRY so much outside their race.
But our kids are breathtaking.
Kathleen 89
Im a white woman from New Zealand I was married to a black man for 20 years Since being single I consider white guys in the mix but I end up dating black guys because they just seem more physically attractive to me Ive seen asian men who are attractive Ive just never dated one
Betty 90
I’ve dated Black, Asian, White, Persian & Mexcican: The black men kept telling me that if I did not put up with his nonsense, he’d leave me for a white girl, the asian guy was polite but refered white, the white men said I was not real, just a fantasy or an experiement, the mexican men was cute, nice, but I we had communiction problems b/c he knew so little english. The persian man, only liked me behind closed doors like the white men so I start distrusting their intent. I’m a never married black woman who has not dated in 15 years..now saving myself for true love.
Julia 91
I’m white and have dated men of Hispanic and Asian background. My longest LTR was with a Pakistani Muslim immigrant. It was really exciting at first but then his culture started to come through. He wanted me to be both type A American woman and Pakistani housewife, I am better for leaving him. At this point, I am more interested in other white men of similar background. Though as a recovering Catholic, I am most interested in Jewish men.
SS 92
@Betty
“The black men kept telling me that if I did not put up with his nonsense, he’d leave me for a white girl.”
Yeah, I had three different black men tell me that. I told them to go ahead and leave.
I married a white guy.
Dating might be difficult, but don’t buy into the idea that there are no men interested in getting serious with and marrying a black woman.
Lucy 93
I did date someone of a different race. It was mostly the clash of cultures which made it a bit edgy. This was true even with someone who was born in the UK. So it can be pretty complicated with someone who at face value seems pretty similar to you. We didn’t share the same cultural references but he seemed somehow resentful of this and wanted to remind me as often as he could of “the white man’s burden”. He didn’t celebrate Christmas either which was hard for me to get my head around as I live for family festivities.
Ethnicity in general does not affect how attracted I am towards a person. Although I would say it’s more likely I’d be attracted to someone of the same race. In general if a man is handsome, then he’s handsome and race is no issue for me at all. I grew up in the Scottish countryside, which meant that I did not encounter many people of a different race. I can’t help but fall for men of the same race as me because they are what I’m used to seeing. I didn’t even see anyone of a different race in my town (although I do travel abroad) until I was almost a teenager.
markymark 94
This is hilarious, Asian men are basically competing like crazy with everyone for Asian women, so they have to date outside their race but getting rejected more percentage wise by the already few (compared to men) women of other races who are willing to date outside their race.
bah lol. Yes i’m a bitter Asian male
(I did briefly date 2 white chicks in High School, the extent of my interracial relationships so far).
April 95
I have nothing of real substance to add to these comments; seems everything has already been covered. I just want to say I’m a 27 year old white woman who’s attractive (there’s no way to not sound snobbish saying that–it’s what I’m told, and empirical evidence suggests it’s true) and I’ve dated 2 white men, 3 Mexican-American men and am currently dating an Asian guy who was born and raised in China. I date men based on how physically attractive they are (I have a pension for long hair!) as well as their intellect, drive, humor and kindness…not necessarily in that order. I’ve seen attractive guys of all races and there are PLENTY of hot Asian guys (Shin Koyamada…I melt when I see him). I suppose it helps that I’m 5 feet tall, so every guy is taller than me.
An hypothesis I could suggest for why women seem less likely to date outside their race is fear that their family will judge them harshly. I had to endure my grandparents call my Mexican-American boyfriend Paco, Jose, Pedro…any other name besides his real name (Juan). Sometimes they just called him “the Mexican” for the 5 YEARS we dated. They’re ignorant eh-holes, so I just brushed them off. Luckily my mom and dad are very accepting. But I could see how racist parents could mess things up. For some insane reason, racist family members may see their daughter GIVING BIRTH to a bi-racial child as more of an affront than their son inseminating a woman of a different race? I don’t know.
southAsa 96
I am of south asian descent. I have lived in the US for 12 years and have been in several states. Most of the time I have lived in majority white areas and interracial dating differs from region to region. In the south, mexican and african american men have white girlfriends, so did I. When I moved to the east coast, white women were more racist, in the midwest, again white women are racist, in the south west, arizona, new mexico, white women and hispanic women are racist. If you live in california, women tend to be more open minded regardless of race where you will find white/asian, white/indian, black/hispanic, indian/hispanic, black/white pairings. I would say south california is the only interracial dating melting pot in america because of the abundance of the variety of ethnicities living there which is not found everywhere in the US. I like women of all ethnicities and majority of the time I find white women sexually attractive, but they are becoming the most racist of them all, which is difficult for me for being brown, expecially in these times when brown men are shown in the media in a very degrading way that affects the mentality of the people of this country. For the past 8 to 9 years, brown men have faced more racism in dating than what black men faced back in the 60′s.
m 97
I think if you Asian, Latin, and Middle Eastern men stopped perceiving “women” and “white women” as the only interchangeable nouns, you’d have much less to complain about and do much better.
/woman of color who dates interracially
Nicole 98
@M,
Not sure if we’re on the same wavelength(I think we are), then yes, non-white men really only are complaining about white women when they say that “women” are racist. I’ve noticed that a lot of men will list their own race and white women, except of course black men who seem to be unique in listing every other race EXCEPT their own.
So the Asian or Indian men who “can’t get a date” only think of white women as being the only other type of acceptable women besides women of their own race (who they complain only chase white men). So I can’t pity them at all…why should anyone pity them when they have no problem paying forward the same treatment they receive?
Lucy 99
Do we really need to have this discussion? There are far more important things to consider than race. How about maturity, kindness, can he make you laugh? I have had relationships with white, black and asian men and you know what, they were all interesting, sweet human beings. Focus on what is really important.
Nicole 100
@Lucy, if you don’t like the conversation, why does it bother you that other people have it. That is great if you live a color-blind existence but I’m guessing you aren’t a POC, which basically gives you the advantage in these situations.
MOC like to chase white women, or women of color who aren’t their race, and I guess it bothers them when those women don’t respond. There is definitely a hierarchy when it comes to dating and mating and the people form groups that are stereotyped negatively experience this when they attempt to date across the color line. While I think they should examine why it’s so important to them, it’s not as if it’s not a real issue.
But you kind of have to walk in their shoes or you have no real right to tell them to shut up.
Dave 101
Racial dating preferences are fine. The romance community is now global. Everyone is finally free to seek the person right for them, physically and with respect to compatibility. I’ve done a lot of thought into this issue, and I always end up with the same conclusion: you can’t dictate to others whom they choose to love. You just can’t. I agree it *can* be unfair if a woman wants a man who is at least 6′ tall, she indirectly excludes Asian men, and if a man likes blondes, he indirectly excludes black women. Then again, the Asian men can have their own preferences, as can black women (and both are entitled to do so).
You can’t impose egalitarian political ideals in the world of love. People like certain traits, and dislike others. People want attractive partners, tall ones, fit ones, fat ones, dark ones, fair ones, whatever. Somebody always gets excluded. Love is inherently *unequal*. Your choice for one partner results in the rejection of 10 others. No amount of socio-political discussion about equality and open-mindedness is going to alter that reality.
I’m Asian. I’m 40, 5’7″, divorced. I have 3 kids. 2 of them are autistic. My ex was white. I love Caucasian women. That’s what attracts me, and I shiver inside when I stand by one. I can’t help it. And, honestly, I can’t blame those Caucasian women who feel nothing for me, or think I’m too short. They’re not racists. They’re just trying to find their passion, just as I’m trying to do the same.
And, good news, I met a fabulous, 43 year old Caucasian brunette recently who saw something in me and welcomed me into her life. And she’s gorgeous to me. She was born in a small midwestern town. I was born in the big city in the west coast. I use a fork. She uses chopsticks. It’s hilarious and we adore each other. It *happens*. It takes time, patience, but ultimately, you just have to stay the course. Keep believing.
History Buff 102
This sounds about right. Goes to that whole evolutionary idea of men trying to spread their seeds as much as possible vs. women more in-tuned with guys who can “protect” and provide resources.
If our culture (US) perceives an ideal mate as someone who is white, rich, and is pretty social, that is what women are going to go after (this is what girls are going to feel with the man). Add also that women prefer taller men (check out the study online), it is no wonder that Asian men are on the short end of the stick.
If there is any consolation for Asian men, a lot of this “rule” is not set in stone. What is considered a providing mate for a woman changes overtime each generation. In fact, only a century ago, it was very common for Chinese men to date & marry Black women in the US and Caribbeans (take that for weird facts in history).
PS- About me. Just a stats and history buff. Was in a relationship with an Italian, Korean, Chinese, and Mexican in my life.