About Evan

About EvanAbout Evan

Hi, I’m Evan Marc Katz.

I’m a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men.

I have over 5 million blog readers, over 50,000 newsletter subscribers, and thousands of satisfied clients who find my take on relationships to be enlightening, entertaining and empowering.

If you want to read my professional bio, click here. Personally, I think that it’s far more relevant that you understand where I’m coming from, how I became a dating coach, and how I can help you find love.

“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Thomas Edison

Honestly, I’m as shocked as anybody that I get to run around giving dating advice.

For many years, I was the poster child for what not to do in love.

This is particularly ironic because I come from a highly functional nuclear family; my parents were together for 30 years before my Dad died. To this day, my Mom remains a strong, opinionated woman who taught me at a young age about the importance of commitment, compromise and unconditional love.

Evan's ParentsAlas, there’s a big difference between knowing something and living it.

Unfortunately, I had to make fifteen years of dating mistakes before I finally figured out how to have a happy relationship. Now, relationships are my life and my passion. I believe firmly that the road to success is paved with failure, and since I’d failed so prolifically and ultimately found my own way, I feel uniquely qualified to help others have success in love. After ten years of coaching, I continue to take great joy in helping women understand men and create lasting relationships.

But wait, what made you think you could do this professionally?

I grew up with that nice Jewish boy belief that I could do whatever I wanted to when I grew up, provided that I was either a doctor or a lawyer. Alas, since I passed out at the sight of blood, my career path was all but predetermined. Highly verbal? Hard worker? Likes to argue? Get that man a law degree!

Too bad I never wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a comedy writer. Don’t laugh. I’m positive I was the only summer intern at Post-Newsweek television who was secretly thinking about doing stand-up. That summer, I both took (and cancelled) my LSAT’s.

The decision was made. The die was cast. I didn’t want to be a funny lawyer. I wanted to be a mediocre comedy writer. Mission accomplished! I moved to Los Angeles in 1996 to work at the top talent agency, CAA. I later worked at William Morris and the final season of “Ellen”. And without going into great detail, my inability to make it in Hollywood certainly wasn’t for a lack of effort.

Project Green LightFrom 1996-2001, I was in the Warner Brothers Writers Workshop, finished in the Top 20 of the IFP Screenwriters Lab, placed in the Top 3 of the first Project Greenlight with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and went to UCLA Film School.

But, at the end of the day, I didn’t write the big script that sold. I was doing odd jobs for a living and losing faith in my ability to make it as a writer. My agent dropped me. Matt and Ben never returned my calls. And after I got laid off of my job selling hair restoration products (seriously), I had to figure out what I was going to do for a living. I certainly didn’t want to be the 40-year-old guy trying to sell a screenplay.

One month later, I took a job answering phones at an online dating site called JDate.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

JDate.comAnd JDate was a natural fit.

First of all, I was an avid consumer of the product. As a writer who worked from home and disliked the bar scene, I believed firmly in online dating as a means of creating an instant social life.

Second of all, I had just been laid off from my phone sales job. So when I received a phone call from a divorcee who lost her JDate password, I would answer her question and then ask about her photos, profile, and emails. Soon, I was selling more JDate subscriptions than the rest of the customer care team combined.

Always ambitious and never particularly content in customer service, I asked JDate if they could promote me – maybe they could call me the “Date Doctor” and charge $50 for a consultation to revamp member profiles.

JDate pretty much told me to shut up and keep answering the phones. So I did.

I Can't Believe I'm Buying This BookBut writers write. And even though I was in film school and working at JDate, I realized I was onto something. There were 40 million people dating online; nobody was showing them how to do it well.

One year later, I wrote my first book “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating” and launched my first website, e-Cyrano online dating profile writing.

The book got a glowing review in Time Magazine, which led to a piece in USA Today, which led to a segment on CNN. Suddenly, I was faced with a choice: pay another $25,000 to complete my Masters in Fine Arts or drop out of grad school and become the online dating guy.

Come to think if it, it really wasn’t much of a decision.

How Does Somebody Become a Dating Coach?
Practice, Practice, Practice!

Online dating profile writing at e-Cyrano led to online dating coaching.
Online dating coaching led to dating coaching.
Dating coaching led to relationship coaching.

But all of my business successes masked the fact that my love life was a disaster.

I never saw myself as a player – if anything, I dated frequently because I wanted to fall in love.

But after 300 dates in 10 years, I had to own the fact that no matter how much I was helping others, something wasn’t working.

Why You're Still SingleI tried turning my personal failures into professional successes. After getting dumped, I wrote my second book, “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad” This was ostensibly my first foray into advising women exclusively, but it was really my not-so-subtle way of telling my ex-girlfriend that she blew it by breaking up with me. Classy, I know.

By this time, I had finally become an expert in my field, but I was also what I decried most – a hypocrite. I encouraged clients to open up, stay positive and make compromises for love – yet I refused to do so myself.

I finally hit my low point in November, 2006. It was useless for me to keep blaming JDate or Los Angeles for my frustrations. I had to make different decisions in love in order to create the happiness I’d always sought.

Two months later, I met a woman who was nothing like the women I’d been dating. I was an East Coast Jewish liberal who was book-smart, ambitious and opinionated. She was a West Coast Catholic conservative who was people-smart, content, and easygoing.

Evan having a good old time in a boat at sunsetIt wasn’t an obvious fit. But every time I thought I could “do better” (read: find someone more like me) I realized that I’d never had an easier, happier, more functional and supportive relationship in my entire life.

After all of my dating and coaching experience, I’d found the most important thing in the world: a partner who saw me the way I saw myself, accepted me at my worst, and shared the same values and humor.

We were married in 2008. We’ve had two children after the age of 40. We have an unusually easy and close relationship. I am grateful for my wife every single day and never take her for granted. Unwittingly, she became my muse in teaching women how to connect with men, because whatever she does, it works.

I don’t give advice from a pedestal. I give advice from a place of experience, truth and love.

As a dating coach, I often get asked whether I’m married, as if that were a qualifier to give good relationship advice. It’s not. I will say, however, that having gone through the same confusion and frustration as my smart, strong, successful women clients, I have a deep sympathy and respect for them.

I don’t give advice from a pedestal. I give advice from a place of experience, truth and love.

I’m not concerned with being “right”. I’m only concerned that you find the relationship you deserve.

Why Coach Women?

“Men need more help. Women ask for more help.”

Over 90% of self-help books are written specifically for women. Believe me, I wish I could get more men to grow and change and want to understand the opposite sex, but, for the most part, they don’t.

This is frustrating, and is the impetus for why I give advice to women.

Because if men are not going to make the effort to understand you, the only thing you can do is make an effort to understand men.

In dealing with guys, you have essentially two choices: accept him or dump him. There’s not much in between.

I’m not saying this is a good thing. I’m saying that between changing the male gender and changing yourself, the latter is a much more realistic goal. In dealing with guys, you have essentially two choices: accept him or dump him. There’s not much in between.

Hopefully, this explains why a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women challenges those same women so frequently. I grew up with smart, strong women, and am an advocate for feminism, equality, and proper treatment of women. My role is to give you the male perspective on dating and relationships, to let you know how to understand the behaviors of good men, and how to avoid the bad ones.

What Do I Believe?

  • I believe that love takes effort.
  • I believe that dating gets trickier as you get older.
  • I believe that men and women are equal but different.
  • I believe that both genders are unfair and hypocritical.
  • I believe that dating is a minefield for both men and women.
  • I believe that most people are good at heart, but act selfishly.
  • I believe that our previous experience shapes our beliefs and actions falsely.
  • I believe that chemistry is exciting but often blinds you to your partner’s faults.
  • I believe that most people want to find love, but think short-term instead of long-term.
  • I believe that dating frustration comes from our inability to understand the opposite sex.
  • I believe that we can’t change the world, but we can change our beliefs and reactions to the world.

Why Is It Up To Women To Change?

Have you ever observed that men sometimes don’t follow up after sex? Or that men sometimes date you without wanting to make a long-term commitment? Or that men sometimes break up with you if they feel criticized, smothered, or pressured?

This isn’t just something I noticed myself. This is something that you’ve noticed as well: men act in their own self-interests.

I am here to offer you the truth about what we’re thinking, why we do what we do, and what you should expect when dating us.

No matter how unfair, no matter how annoying, and no matter what we say, in 100 years, men are still going to be acting this way.

The question, therefore, is what you can do in spite of male misbehavior.

I am here to offer you the truth about what we’re thinking, why we do what we do, and what you should expect when dating us.

When I observe that men don’t always call after sex, I am not saying that it’s okay.

When I observe that men are perfectly willing to date you even if they don’t plan to commit, I am not condoning it, nor suggesting that men are flawless in their treatment of you.

As such, I am not here to defend men, apologize for men, or make excuses for men.

I am here to explain men.

I am literally just reporting back to you what you have already noticed yourself.

And since I can’t make men call, commit, or change, all I can do is tell you how to identify the undesirable ones and attract and keep the good ones.

If that’s something you’re open to, you’ll enjoy reading my advice.

Sorry, But Your Advice Pisses Me Off, Evan.

If you feel irked by my advice, you’re probably focused on one of two things:

1) It’s unfair for women to have to change when men are the real problem.

We’ve already gone over this:

  • I don’t encourage you to tolerate a serial cheater.
  • I don’t encourage you to put up with a stupid man who mistreats you.
  • I don’t encourage you to date a man who doesn’t want to get married.

All I said is that if a man is stupid, a cheater, or a Peter Pan, then leave him.

Complaining that men don’t act the way you want is as futile as hoping that you can fly.

My advice is geared to what you can control: yourself, not what you can’t control: men.

2) “I don’t date awful men. I just can’t find a man I like enough to marry. Why do you make it sound as if I’m doing something wrong?”

I’m not saying that at all.

  • There’s nothing wrong with you.
  • There’s nothing wrong with being single.
  • There’s nothing wrong with leading a rich, fulfilling solo life.

All I’ve observed is that many women want to find love, but don’t go on nearly enough dates to do so. This is why I am a proponent of online dating, among other means of meeting men. Dating may be flawed, but it creates more opportunity to meet single men than every other social activity in your life combined.

Once you’re dating, I offer you a few observations that I feel are indisputable:

  • If you understand men, you will have an easier time connecting with them.
  • If you have very high standards, there will be fewer men “qualified” to date you.
  • If only 5% of men are qualified to date you, you must go on more dates to find love than someone who is open to dating a greater percentage of the population.
  • To get more dates, you have to make more time and effort to find love.
  • In all relationships, there are tradeoffs and compromises.
  • Compromise means assessing the traits you can and cannot accept in a partner.
  • Most people refuse to compromise on things like height, weight, age, education, income and religion, but routinely compromise on the wrong things: kindness, consistency, communication and commitment.
  • Compromise doesn’t mean to settle, to give up your dreams, or to put up with poor treatment.
  • If there’s a trait you can’t accept in a man, leave, because you can’t change him.
  • If you find fault with every single man, you risk being alone forever.
  • If you would rather be alone than make certain compromises, that’s great. Nobody’s judging you.

To Wrap Up:

“Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.” – Ramana Maharshi

I don’t give “tough love”. I don’t impose my opinion on how the world should be. All I do is observe how the world works – good and bad – and give you guidance on how to react. As such, I call myself a “reality-based” dating coach. If you’d rather get dating tips about a fictional world in which men always do what they say, where they never judge on looks or age, and where you’re never left wondering where you stand, you will find yourself very frustrated by what you read here. I also predict you will be very frustrated with life, which will continually disappoint you since it doesn’t conform to your fantasies.

Your informed decisions will catapult your relationships to new heights – not because you’ll suddenly have the power to change men, but because you’ll learn to accept them in full.

As a dating coach, I believe that knowledge is power. I believe that once you understand the realities of dating and how men think, you can make informed decisions. Finally, I believe that your informed decisions will catapult your relationships to new heights – not because you’ll suddenly have the power to change men, but because you’ll learn to accept them in full, the way you would like to be accepted yourself.

Only from here can you build a foundation for a love that lasts a lifetime.

To get more insights that will challenge and inspire you, click here.

Thanks for reading.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan Marc Katz

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