Why Does He Keep Sexy Photos of His Old Girlfriends?

Why Does He Keep Sexy Photos of His Old Girlfriends?

I’m engaged to be married to my fiancé. We’ve have been together for 2 years now. My issue is that I want to completely trust him, but he makes it very hard for me to do so.

When the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had and the seriousness of the relationships.

Also, I’ve found many nude or nearly nude photos on his computer of women he has dated. He also never deleted any women’s phone numbers in his phone after months of us dating. When I asked him why, he said it’s because he doesn’t want to answer when they call.

After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend, I guess to prove the fact that she was still not over him.

I don’t feel in the least intimidated about these women, because I’m very secure in myself and in my appearance, but it bothers me that he even would go so low as to associate with and actually sleep with them.

I know this is just the bad part of our relationship but this is basically the main negative. He is, however, the man I fell in love with and actually thought was my soulmate very early on in our relationship.

What do you think? –Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,

I think I need a little more information about you and your fiancé to be able to give a thoughtful and well-informed answer.

I’d like to know how old you are, how long it took until he proposed, what his past looks like, how many women he’s been with, whether his parents are still married and whether he’s the type of person who prides himself on being a devoted husband and father.

There is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.

If he’s very young, proposed very quickly, has a history of cheating and/or deviant behavior, and is getting married despite his lack of belief in the institution, you may have some major issues to confront.

However, without that, all I can do is insert myself in his shoes to address your insecurities about him.

(By the way, this is what I do on every single question. I ask myself: would I do what her boyfriend is doing? If I’d do it, it’s not that bad, because I know that I’m a normal guy and good husband.)

So, you’ve asked him a number of times how many partners he’s had.

You know how many times my wife has asked me? Zero.

You know why she’s never asked me?

Because it’s irrelevant. The past is the past. If I’m 100% loyal and devoted and will be by my wife’s side until the day we die, what difference does it make if I was with 10 women or 100 women? That’s right. None.

Your insecurities are the reason that this topic keeps coming up, Evelyn. And because your fiancé knows you can’t handle the truth, he doesn’t tell you the truth. If the truth is that he’s slept with 100 women and this freaks you out, there doesn’t seem to be much value in telling you, is there?

If he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

I’m not defending a man who is a congenital liar, by the way.

I’m suggesting that there is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth. The truth is that he has a checkered past. The truth is that he likes porn. The truth is that he still finds other women attractive. This doesn’t make him a bad man or a bad partner. It makes him human. And if he has to put up with the third degree for admitting his humanity, it’s just easier to tell you what you want to hear.

Next, you’ve found nude photos on his computer of women he’s dated.

And how, pray tell, did you find such photos? Did they print themselves up? Was he using them as his wallpaper for his desktop?

Or did you get on his computer and start snooping through his files, only to discover that he has a past?

Once again, he wasn’t waving these nude photos in your face: you dug for pay dirt and you hit it. Congratulations. You got the “truth”.

Finally, you seem know which exes he has listed on his phone. How exactly do you know that? It couldn’t be because you looked through his phone, could it? Because I certainly don’t know who’s on my wife’s phone and she doesn’t know who’s on mine.

All in all, Evelyn, you claim that you’re not intimidated by these women, you’re secure with yourself, and you’re happily engaged.

I think your actions indicate otherwise.

Stop snooping, start trusting, and get on with your life instead of worrying about the past.

If you can’t trust your fiancé, you shouldn’t marry him.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    nathan

    She’s clearly insecure and spending way too much time snooping around. Whatever else she does, it’s best to own up to those things, and stop acting like she’s got it all together. As for her bf, something about the pattern doesn’t sit well with me. The phone number “reason” is so weak that I broke out laughing. Who would believe such nonsense? I don’t think he owes her an endless, detailed history of his past, but some level of honesty is required for a healthy relationship to develop in my opinion. If he’s friends with some of his exes, the girlfriend should know that. Not interrogation level details, but some sense that they dated before, and now are friends. If she can’t handle that, that her issue. The OP seems like someone who might have trouble with such knowledge, but if the bf is doing nothing wrong, then he’s conflict avoidant. Which is a problem for them over the long term. If they don’t sit down and get real about some of this stuff, they’re screwed as a couple.

    1. 1.1
      Beenthere

      I can’t believe how many harsh comments have been posted against the women.  Her intuition was telling her that something was not right.  As far as snooping, I usually don’t recommend it.  However,  it’s not healthy to have such huge and hurtful secrets between partners.   Bashing the woman for not trusting the man is hypocritical.  Trust is a two way street!
      I had the feeling my husband was taking pictures of us making love without my permission.  When I looked on his computer file to see if I could find them, I found things that were so shocking and illegal.  I found pictures and movies of my nieces crotch that he took during family gatherings.  He had taken several “sleep creep” movies of him jacking off in my mouth when I was sleeping very deeply from taking sleeping pills and completely unaware of what was going on.  I also found the photos of our making love that he took without my permission.  After I found them he was a total jerk and completely denied that he did these things.  When I told him I found the movies there was no way he could keep lying.  

    2. 1.2
      Nissa

      About the phone number, really? I have my ex (husband) on my phone for that exact reason, so I never have to intentionally speak to him again. Now, there’s only one of him, but I like knowing I can avoid his phone call. I can see being suspicious if there’s, oh, 10 random people for that same reason. BTW, I would not consider my ex a friend and would not be calling him, or expecting a call. But it took 5 years to hammer out divorce issues and he calls about once a year. Just a perspective.

  2. 2
    Cat5

    Evan said: “I’m suggesting that there is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.”
     
    Evan I’m waivering on how I feel about this statement.  I agree with you that the fact the OP keeps bringing it up is her problem, especially the snooping she is clearly engaged in.  But, the fact that he would lie…doesn’t that bring up a question about his character also?  It sort of sounds like you are almost excusing his behavior because of her behavior.  I’m not sure that’s what you meant, so I thought I would ask you a few questions rather than assuming that’s what you meant.  :-)
     
    Hypothetically (since you already said your wife never asked) — would you lie to your wife if you thought she couldn’t handle the truth or you were sick of answering the same question over and over from her?  I would not lie to my S.O. just because he couldn’t handle the truth.  I would tell him that it was not relevant (and, if necessary, not really any of his business), and that if he didn’t like or accept my answer and kept bugging me about it, then we have a whole other problem (which may lead to breaking up).  But, I wouldn’t lie on the off chance that he would believe me and let it go.

  3. 3
    Jenna

    I have had 4 boyfriends – all from when I was 18-25) and at some point the question did come up between us of our number of sex partners and dating history. I never dated flashy alpha studs so the numbers were quite low, and we weren’t old enough anyway to have racked up large numbers. These weren’t particularly uncomfortable conversations. Years later, I’m still not opposed to the number coming up when I’m in a serious relationship again – after all, if you’re close, and getting married, it’s only natural to be curious. But nobody should be lying or changing their stories. 

  4. 4
    marymary

    Ah, jealousy. Ask yourself, am I jealous because I have issues or does he give me reason to be jealous?  That’s your call.  To trust someone, there has to be a lot more positivity  than “I’m attractive”. Your looks have nothing to do with it. Look at celebrity land and the beautiful women who get cheated on. 
    Do you feel he is a trustworthy person? Maybe your values don’t chime and you’re out of synch even if he isn’t cheating. Not everyone circulates or keeps nude pics of exes. Not that I’ve ever checked! 
    I agree that if you are going to marry him, forget what he did and who he dated before he met you.  If it’s going to niggle you, don’t marry him. Marriage doesn’t magically fix a couple’s problems. Without trust you don’t have anything even if you were married for fifty years. I don’t know, can you make yourself trust someone when you don’t? 
    Honestly, if it was me feeling the way you do and with the “evidence”, albeit flimsy that I had “collected” (you can’t unsee it now), I would either a) completely have it out with him, every ex, what they did, why they broke up and if he cheated, what contact they have now, then start over with a clean slate and never mention it again or b) walk away. I don’t think you are going to swallow your doubts.
     

  5. 5
    kiesh

    Sorry, this guy sounds like a creep and she knows it – that’s probably why she is snooping. Continuing to receive racy photos from exes while engaged is a big red flag and is not something that I’d write off as just being pr0n or whatever. I’d actually feel better about it being general pr0n and not current pics from an ex fling…who is still comfy sending him those kinds of pics…because he gives her reasons to be.
    It’s interesting that she lists all these things her fiance does and then follows with an excuse for each. The thing I don’t get about women who snoop is that they go search for this stuff and when they find it, they throw these hissy fits and…that’s it. Don’t go snooping for stuff if you’re not truly prepared to leave if you find incriminating evidence!

  6. 6
    Jackie Holness

    And if you look, you will find…I don’t mean that she should ignore her gut if that is what is going on here, but as you said, Evan, if she can’t trust him then who wants to live like that?

  7. 7
    Jennifer

    Feeling that someone can’t handle your truth isn’t a good reason to lie, it’s a good reason to reconsider the relationship.
    The guy got a girlfriend that snoops thrpugh his things- makes sense to me, he lies- she snoops. How could this be avoided? By him noI lying in the first place. Whether she should care about his number or not, she does. If he’d told her the truth initially, she could have left and they each could’ve found someone better suited to them. His lying just prolongs the drama.

    1. 7.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Jennifer - You don’t know that he’s lying. All you know is that she’s snooping, fishing for a lie.

      You’re assuming he’s guilty. I’m assuming he’s innocent until proven guilty. And having a sexual past, photos of exes or being in touch with exes doesn’t make him guilty of anything. If she doesn’t trust him, she should leave him. I’m simply explaining why an innocent man may be forced to lie to his girlfriend; she clearly can’t handle the truth, as evidenced by her embarrassing snooping habits.

  8. 8
    Jennifer

    Evan- she says when the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different answer. I took that as an indicator that he’d lied.
    I say a guy ( or girl) doesn’t have to lie about stuff like this, they don’t need to keep changing their story. Say what it is and if the person can’t handle it, let them go. No guy ( or girl) is forced to lie and ultimately, it doesn’t even do them good.

    1. 8.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      She said, “When the subject of past relationships comes up, he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had and the seriousness of the relationships.”

      Well, if I have an insanely jealous girlfriend who is probing me for answers, I’m very conscious that the wrong thing can set her off. Do I tell her I slept with 25 women in one year? Will she judge me morally? Will it turn into a fight? Do I tell her that I once dated my good friend, Cassie? Because she’s already jealous of Cassie, and I wouldn’t want to create more friction there… Her jealous begets his lies, you see?

      Ultimately, the answer is for men to dump jealous women and for women to choose men that you can naturally trust without interrogating and snooping.

  9. 9
    Goldie

    Between Evelyn’s “he always has a different response as to the number of partners he has had” and “a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend” (how did she find all that out unless she’s gone through his email too?), and her fiance’s “When I asked him why (he didn’t delete his exes’ phone numbers), he said it’s because he doesn’t want to answer when they call“, I think these two deserve each other. Like a friend of mine once said, it’s a crazy match made in crazy heaven.

  10. 10
    Selena

    Stop trying to play the “I’m cool with it”  girlfriend. You are not cool with him keeping ex girlfriend’s phone numbers in his phone. You’ve been together 2 yrs-you’re getting married, if he keeps in touch with ex’s from time to time he shouldn’t be afraid to have told you that long ago. Keeping the numbers so he’ll know not to answer is baloney. Why would women he didn’t want calling, actually BE calling after 2 yrs?
     
    And nude/ provocative pics of ex’s on his computer? After 2 years together? Uh uh. This is not appropriate. Ex’s sending him sexy pic’s when he is engaged is not appropriate. Forwarding such pic’s to his friends is juvenile.
     
    Tell him these things HURT you. You are not cool with this. TALK to him calmly and get the point across. No need to yell or scream, you just want him to understand this kind of thing is for single guys, not for you as a family.
     
    Forget about his “number”. You already know it’s higher than yours. It doesn’t matter how many came before as long as you’re the last. I hope you can reach a place where you trust him and can stop snooping. That is a terrible way to live and will eventually destroy your relationship.
     
     

  11. 11
    Jennifer

    I see your point Evan, but I disagree with the origin of the problem here.  If she asks for details, and he has slept with 25 women in one year, he should tell her so. If it turns into an issue, a fight, or if he’s judged then he should break up with  her. Why try to placate someone that is not okay with who you are as a person? Why would he even still want her around at that point? Because of his changing stories she felt the need to get to the bottom of things herself. Do I think that’s wise of her? No, Ithink it you believe you are being lied to you sUhould just leave- no need to find a smoking gun. But it all could’ve been avoided if,when asked the question, he told it like it was. 
    If i ran across a guy that only wanted to date a woman who had slept with 2 or fewer men, should i lie to him so it won’t start a fight, so he won’t think less of me, because I think it shouldn’t matter, because I know I’m a good person? Hell no! He is entitled to his criteria, whether I agree or not. I’d save us both a lot of trouble in the long run by just being upfront.

  12. 12
    Ruby

    I think that if you are engaged to be married to someone, they should be able to tell a consistent story about the nature and seriousness of their past relationships. Not only does he keep the old phone numbers of women he’s dated for the lamest possible reason, but he still keeps “many” nude photos of these women? After two years? These should have been deleted long ago. Evelyn also writes, “After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend.” That photo also should have been deleted, not forwarded around on the internet.
     
    I’m betting Evelyn is wondering, and rightfully so, if these relationships are actually over, and if her boyfriend is cheating on her. She’s asking him about his number of partners because she suspects that that number is still growing. Do I agree with her method of snooping around? No, she should be able to sit down with her boyfriend, and confront him with her concerns. But I also suspect that she thinks he’s lying to her, and so she snoops in order to see if she can catch him red-handed.
     
    The problems in this relationship go beyond Evelyn’s “insecurities”. Until these issues are worked out, I’d call off this engagement. Marrying someone you don’t fully trust is a recipe for disaster.
     

  13. 13
    Selena

    Jennifer, he may not remember precisely the number of women he slept with. Some liassons may have been so brief and insignificant they don’t always register. Why would she keep asking him after he answered the first time anyway? Why is this even an issue after 2 years together? 

  14. 14
    Selena

    Ruby, I read your post immediately after submitting mine. Thanks for answering my questions. :)
    I suspect you are right –  on all counts.

  15. 15
    Karla (NineGPS)

    What a great blog!!! It is clear this relationship needs more time at a very minimum. We all need to remember how powerful our intuition is and in my humble opinion when we ignore it we pay can pay dearly. Without knowing all the details around their own history with dating, one should not speculate. I totally agree with Evan that women should not ask the question about past lovers. Stay in the beauty of your future and leave it all in the past. Many women cannot seem to help themselves from wanting to dig up garbage. I fell into this category too. 

  16. 16
    Sasha

    Sorry, Evan. Been there, done that. There is ZERO reason to keep semi-nude and nude photos of people you used to screw on your phone. Only a man or a pathetic woman would say that or not have a problem with that. How many partners someone has had is relevant to decide if I want to be w/ someone who would put his dong in a donut. Yes, the past is the past. But, my health is more important than your precious privacy in this instance.
    I am so incredibly SICK TO DEATH of how many people expect you to accept utter BS for something that is patently wrong. Period. And I am even more sick of women today who think that if they don’t accept porn or inappropriate friendships, they will never find someone or they are unevolved. Have some damn standards and then maybe you will find happiness.
    No, men and women don’t view sex or feel the same way. But, call a spade a spade. He’s shady and unless and until he can be a REAL man and grow up, she should walk.
     

    1. 16.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Sasha – I wasn’t aware that it was necessary for someone to delete the entire electronic footprint of his/her past. Do you think I ever asked my wife if she threw out her first wedding album? Or if she’s ever gone back to look at it in the six years we were together? Of course not. It’s in the past. She’s with me now. Why should I care if she has happy pix, loving pix or naked pix of her ex? That’s right. I shouldn’t. Because I’m secure in my relationship. Similarly, if said pix are on her phone or in an old shoebox, it doesn’t bother me either. They’re hers – they’re a piece of her past. How insecure do I have to be to worry about a man she broke up with?

      Am I “accepting something that’s utter BS”? Is my wife “patently wrong”? Is it inappropriate for my wife to talk with her ex husband on occasion without telling me all the details? No. No. And No.

      I have no idea if the OPs boyfriend is a player or a liar or a loser. All I know is that his girlfriend is an insecure snoop.

      1. 16.1.1
        Cle

        She. Never. Said. That. She. Snooped. I’m speaking slow for you, Evan, because you don’t seem to understand the meaning of the words “infer” and “biased.”

  17. 17
    Some other guy

    Having phone numbers or pictures is one thing, but any man who violates the sanctity of an intimate relationship by forwarding a nakey pic to *anybody* else is a dirtbag, and this tells me that he’s a creepy guy who’s giving her good reason to be suspicious.
     
    But rather than man up and send the guy packing, her insecurity drives her own creepy/snoopy behavior and presumably finds what she expects to find.
     
    These two seem meant for each other.

    1. 17.1
      Cle

      OM. Evan! Why don’t you reply to this comment? Why are you so obsessively focused on “maybe the guy is lying for a good reason?” “Maybe you women are just crazy” thats what you sound like. In. Every. One. Of. Your. Replies. You’re a broken record. A defender of male misbehavior in the guise of being a help to women. all you said was: “I will ignore most of what you said reader and focus on the fact that I believe that you are snooping.” you know what. SHE NEVER SAID THAT SHE SNOOPED. you inferred that and just said “yup I am right, and will make all my advice based on this.” You try to placate readers by saying “I’m not biased. I swear” 

      but it you know what? You choose which email you respond to so its kind of interesting that all of your answers to these letters are: “women are insecure” “men have rights to lie to you if you’re crazy” “a good woman leaves a man alone” “he just doesn’t like you so just move on but I’ll just ignore his disrespectful behavior because hes a guy”

      so yeah freaking address why you thought it was appropriate for this douchebag of a fiancé thought it was okay to forward naked pics to another. For once in your life talk about what it means to be a good person.

      my advice to you though this is years too late, dump him. Some other guy will make you happier without all this baggage. You can meet a guy that doesn’t keep naked pics of his exes and even if he does keep their phone number you feel comfortable that he will tell her to never disrespect your relationship if she sends him anything inappropriate. You know how I know because i know real 3d with a moral compass men who have dome these things without being asked. so I hope you found someone that makes you happy by just being themselves.  

  18. 18
    Ruby

    Some Other Guy #19
     
    “But rather than man up and send the guy packing, her insecurity drives her own creepy/snoopy behavior and presumably finds what she expects to find.”
     
    I agree with you mostly, but I also believe that Evelyn is making excuses because she thought this guy was her soulmate. When she says, “After we were already engaged, a woman he had a short fling with sent him a provocative photo which he then forwarded to a friend, I guess to prove the fact that she was still not over him,” that sounds like total denial to me. Why should her fiance need to prove anything about a former lover – why should he need the ego boost when he’s in a serious, long-term relationship, for Pete’s sake? Why should he do something so distasteful as to forward such a photo to his friend? Why didn’t he simply delete the photo, and block the woman from further contact? Isn’t that what you would expect from a man engaged to be married? 

  19. 19
    Anita

    Why is everyone assuming that she snooped? It does’t say that anywhere.

  20. 20
    Karl R

    Sasha said: (#18)
    “How many partners someone has had is relevant to decide if I want to be w/ someone who would put his dong in a donut. Yes, the past is the past. But, my health is more important than your precious privacy in this instance.”
     
    You’re shockingly naive about STIs.
     
    I know one of my ex-girlfriends had an STI (Hepatitis C). She had zero sex partners before we started dating. (She received a contaminated blood transfusion as a neonatal.)
     
    If you want to protect your health, both of you ought to use protection and/or get tested for STIs. If you expect the number of sex partners to tell you something, you’re deluding yourself.
     
    Jennifer said: (#13)
    “If she asks for details, and he has slept with 25 women in one year, he should tell her so.”
     
    Wrong.
     
    He should tell her that it’s none of her business. If it matters that much to her, she can find a different boyfriend.
     
    Selena, (#15)
    You’re probably correct about the boyfriend not remembering. I would struggle to figure out how many sex partners I had, and I’m near the average. Part of it depends on which relationships get included. What if we only had oral sex? What if we only got to 3rd base?
     
    I know that’s three different numbers, and I don’t remember any of them off the top of my head.

    1. 20.1
      Mrs Happy

      Karl,
      numbers/statistics matter in health matters; Sasha makes a sensible point. In some countries in Africa 50% of heterosexual adult males are HIV positive, so if someone lived there for 4 years and had a variety of sexual encounters and surgery in a rural hospital once….if your current girlfriend used to work in the sex industry in Thailand servicing hundreds of men a week….if your current boyfriend has spent every weekend over the last 3 years having sex with new ladies every night…these statistics matter to the risk I take in any sexual encounter. Condoms do not prevent all sexually transmitted diseases. All people on this earth do not use condoms for all sexual encounters.
      Proper testing for sexually transmitted diseases can take months (because sometimes new infections don’t record as positive for a few months) and in those months the tested party has to have zero risk behaviours (no sex/needle sharing/blood transfusions etc) so it is impossible for people having casual sex with strangers to demand full testing before every sexual encounter. That’s why Sasha likes numbers and honesty in this regard – she can make an estimated risk calculation in her head particularly with regard high risk people.

  21. 21
    mary

    He sounds very immature and no where near ready for marriage, give it some time before the wedding. He could be sleeping with any of those women on his phone and just not telling her. Don’t marry this man.

  22. 22
    Some other guy

    @Anita #21
    It’s true that we’re just assuming, but we can only operate with the information in front of us, mixed in with our own common sense and experience.
     
    The alternative to snooping is that this guy is *so out there* that he does all this obviously hurtful behavior right in front of the woman he’s going to marry, and it’s hard to imagine a woman with so little self confidence that she’d not have bailed on him a long time ago.
     
    But anything’s possible.

  23. 23
    Sparkling Emerald

    There is a slight possibility that she didn’t snoop.  I have 2 married women friends who’s husbands cheated, and left evidence under their nose.  One printed out an e-mail and “accidentally” left it on the desk of their mutual office.  Also flirted with the mistress right under the wife’s nose at a mutual social club they belonged to.  (When she didn’t catch on over that, he then left the e-mail out) Another hubby just left an incriminating letter up on their mutual computer screen.  As soon as their wives confronted them with the evidence that had been waved under their noses, their spouses broke down and asked for forgiveness.  Both of these friends of mine feel like their hubbies WANTED to get caught.  So they could repent or some such weird thing.  Yes, they are all still married, and they even say that the affair “strenghtened” the marriage.  (I am skeptical about that, but hey, it’s not my marriage)
    So maybe this guy left the evidence out in the open.  Anyway, since he forwarded nude pics of another g/f, one thing for sure, if I stayed with someone after that, I WOULD never have a fun photo shoot with him, EVER !

  24. 24
    Lia

    @ Anita # 21
     
    “Why is everyone assuming that she snooped?”
     
    She writes that she “found many nude or nearly nude photos on  his computer of women he has dated.”  She didn’t state that he showed her, she found them… she was looking at his computer.
     
    She knows he’s lying and she is looking for evidence, she found it and is using it to make him wrong.  I don’t think either one of them come out of this smelling like a rose.
     
    If I were in a relationship with someone who lied to me that would be a very hard thing for me to get past.  I don’t know that I could.  However, I also don’t believe in dragging someone’s past up and using it to beat them over the head.   
     
    I dated a guy for awhile who was very up front about the fact that he looked at porn.  I was curious and asked him about it. He showed me the sight he went to and told me what he liked specifically.  He was very open and I respected that.  I am not into porn but what he showed me did not upset me or make me like him less.  The fact that he was so open about it gave me the opportunity to get a peak inside the mind of a man.  (At least that man.)  He probably had pics of past lovers that I didn’t see (nor would I have wanted to).  
     
    I don’t mind that a partner shares stories about past loves:  his first love, the crazy hot chick he finally escaped from, the one who broke his heart, the one whose heart he broke.  These stories show his vulnerability and humanity.  When I am with a man I know he did not spring from the earth fully formed two days ago.  He has history… HIS-story.  He will share if he wants to and I am glad when he does. 
     

  25. 25
    Selena

    @ Sparkling Emerald #25
     
    Just a thought, but how many fun photo shoots have you had with boyfriends you are no longer with? How confident are you that they would NEVER share your fun photo with a friend? How confident are you that a fun photo of you isn’t floating through multiple forwards and internet sites without your knowledge as you write on this blog about it happening to someone else?
     
    Yeah.

  26. 26
    Nicole

    Well said Evan, I love your response!!

  27. 27
    Sparkling Emerald

    Selena #27, ONCE, with my first husband, all polaroids, and believe me, I grabbed them all when we split up.  That was over 30 years ago, before there was all this technology.  My remark about never having a fun photo shoot with him after that, was rather tongue in cheek, however, I don’t think I will ever do that with anyone, ever again, because of all this high tech stuff.
    I’m fairly confident that I grabbed up every polaroid from 1st hubby, but if by some bizarre chance, I left one behind, and he scanned it, and forwarded it to the Universe, oh well, I can’t be losing sleep over the remote possibility.  It would probably bother his current wife (#4) more than it would me.  Besides, it was over 30 years (& 30 pounds ago)  ago, unless he plastered my name on it, most people probably wouldn’t recognize it as being me.  And even if they did, a fun photo shoot from over 30 years  with a then husband, being revealed, is not the worse thing that could happen to someone.

  28. 28
    Michelle

    I really am perplexed why the question of how many partners comes up.  In ALL the dating I’ve done through my adult life, this question has never come up proactively by me or the man I was dating/in a relationship with.  It sounds like a no win question to me.   

    Like Evan said, there’s not enough info here, however, I would say this sounds like a lot different issue (on both sides) than he leaves the toilet seat up.

  29. 29
    Sasha

    @Karl R: How shockingly desperate are you to have your candle waxed? Hepatitis C can be transmitted sexually. THAT s/he has it is my concern. I don’t care how you got it. I don’t want it. If you are considering marrying someone, full disclosure on health, finances and values is mandatory to avoid issues like the original post.
    Evan: I did not suggest that a partner delete their entire paper or electronic history because they were married or in a relationship. That you would jump there is interesting. If you are married, keeping photos of exes on a phone, which for many people today acts as a wallet, is about boundaries and respect. If it works for you, great. But to suggest that someone is insecure because they think that’s crap is crap.
    If the past is the past, leave it there. It is very interesting how many people think LUGGING AROUND the security blanket of pics and numbers, is ok. If you are fine with it great. If your wife wasn’t, then you should listen to her and HEAR her. And grow up.
    Relationships are about boundaries, respect and trust. The OP has none of that with this man. And it isn’t because she snooped or because she’s insecure. She knows what is right FOR HER and she shouldn’t let little boys pretending to be men tell her otherwise. Real men don’t behave like this.
    To the OP, any issues you have now will be magnified and far worse if you don’t get this settled before you marry him. You know in your heart what is right for you. He is with you now and he should care about how you feel and what is appropriate for you as a couple. Don’t let someone tell you piss is ginger ale.
    You are not an insecure snoop and I would be very careful of taking the advice of someone who called me that – especially if that person has a penis. Remember, men and women ARE different. We haven’t had the experiences of the other. And we DO (generally) view sex very differently. Go with your gut. Don’t live to regret what you know isn’t right. If you didn’t ask/look, you wouldn’t know. Your fiance’ is not a man. He is still a little boy looking at & swapping his nudey pics, keeping old numbers (after 2 years?) and disrespecting you.
    Expect and command respect. You are better than this and deserve better treatment. If he won’t respect you, you can find another man who will. They aren’t all like this. Good luck to you.

    1. 29.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Sasha, I’m going to make the mistake of continuing to engage with you on this issue.

      1) It’s not a “jump” to flip things over and apply the same standards from men to women. It’s merely common sense. If my wife has pictures (of any kind) on her cell phone that predate our relationship, a) I don’t care and b) I would have no way of knowing about it. You’re very focused on ONE side of “boundaries and respect”. How about having respect for the privacy of my wife’s cell phone?

      2) My intimation that the OP is insecure is not “crap”. In fact, I’m thinking that her insecurity is about as close to objective reality as you’re going to find in this space. Tell me how she’s NOT insecure. No, wait, don’t.

      3) Real men keep photos of exes. Real men maintain relationships with exes. Real men have plenty of sexual experience. Thus, your statement, “real men don’t behave like this” is also empirically untrue.

      4) “I would be very careful taking the advice of someone who called me (an insecure snoop) – especially if that person has a penis.” If it didn’t occur to you, Sasha, that’s exactly why the OP (and 1.5 million people last year) read this blog. Because if you want to understand how normal men think, it’s probably best to talk to a normal man. I’ve been happily married since 2008. I am Facebook friends with exes. I have photos of exes somewhere on my computer. I have a lot of sexual experience (that my wife and I joke about, because she had her slutty phase, too). This is how normal, healthy couples function. If this seems unhealthy to you, I would suggest you shift your paradigm.

  30. 30
    Linda

    Sasha,
     
    great post and i totally agree with you!

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