Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem

This is the second video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my big survey. Last week, I shared with you the revelation that men are about feelings, not just looks. And that the reason a man will want to marry you has everything to do with how he feels when he’s around you. Make him feel good, and he’ll want to say. Make him feel bad, well, you know the rest.

That idea was not to say that you’ve done anything wrong – you might be the sweetest, most loving, perfect girlfriend ever. I just think it’s surprising to women that men are really driven by their feelings – namely, how they feel around you.

Which is a perfect segue to today’s video, in which you will definitely find yourself nodding your head. After you listen to what I have to say, I’m confident you are going to save yourself YEARS of wasted time in the future.

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You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.

What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man? Well, there’s the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it – the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.

That’s one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

This was incredibly apparent to me when I read your questions in my survey and received hundreds of comments from women attributing your relationship failures to attracting the wrong men. First of all, let’s get one thing straight…

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman – smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.

But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Rachelle

    Thanks Evan! I just had an “aha” moment. The last guy I dated, I had instant chemistry. So much so that I ignored the red flags and hung around even when he would not commit to me and was dating other women. He knew just what to do or say (putting in that minimal effort) to keep me around. After one incident, I had to leave. Like you said, it was my job to leave! It’s been almost 6 month’s & I’m okay…and happy!

  2. 2
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks, Rachelle. And sorry to anyone having trouble downloading the video. We’re having a few technical difficulties and are trying to sort them out now (9amPST). Appreciate your patience. Hope you enjoy the video!

  3. 3
    Kathryn Spence

    This is a very good message. I know I feel guilty for "attracting" some of the men in my life. I´m getting better than I used to be in screening out the unavailable types, but it´s very nice to know that it´s not because there is something innately wrong with me. I actually do attract some nice guys, too, and being able to say it´s okay to be attracted to this guy – he´s great looking, there´s chemistry, etc., but you know what? He´s not available in one way or another and I´m not going there. He´s not for me! And I´m not a bad person because he was attracted to me.

    Thank you, take care, good session last night. Kathryn

  4. 4
    Jill

    Thanks Evan, I really appreciated the comments in this video. I fall into the trap of only being interested in the men where I find chemistry, which is very rare, and then of course they usually end up not wanting what I want. I am curious if you think sometimes women are attracted to men because the men are unavailable. It seems like that is the case with me. If so, what can I do about it?

  5. 5
    Selena

    "You don´t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men."
    -EMK

    BINGO! We have a winner!

  6. 6
    sayanta

    you want to touch him, feel him, breath him in….that’s poetic, Evan. :-)

  7. 7
    Ellen

    Evan – You nailed it with this one!

  8. 8
    Patrice

    Good Stuff, so true and I never looked at it that way! Amazing what an eye opener!

  9. 9
    anette

    Lol!! I think we are addicted to our own brain chemistry…IE the Hi we get from the right (though wrong) male :P

  10. 10
    Steve

    I have mixed feelings about this video.

    The first part of it sounds patronizing to the women viewers. "You are totally wonderful and it is the men who suck". Evan, you know I respect you and that I love reading your stuff, but you are spreading it on a bit thick in this video to flatter your customers/potential customers.

    I disagree with the implication that some women are only accepting the wrong men versus attracting the wrong men. I have no proof, but i believe in the truism that you attract what you put out. A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.

    Not accepting the wrong guys is a hugely positive move, but just doing that isn´t going to bring the right person into your life. It will just keep the wrong people out.I

    MHO, the best thing you can do attract the kind of person you want is to improve your life in that direction ( easier said than done ).

    I do think the idea of not accepting the wrong men and in that being power to avoid harm was brilliantly stated.

    1. 10.1
      Aisha

      I think you’re right on some levels. However, I think the universe will send you what you are Not as a way for you to express who you really are. So your choice to stay and deal with someone, says more about who you are,  than your actual attracting of them. So basically if you keep attracting jerks it’s probably because you keep choosing and accepting jerks on some level. 

  11. 11
    Tina

    I loved your second video as much as the first! Your advice is the dead on. I feel so much better already and you seem to know a LOT about what women are thinking. Your perspective is unique and makes me really think. I look forward to the next video and future insights into the dating world. It´s not easy being in this position so words of encouragement are uplifting in a world full of frustration. Thanks Evan!

  12. 12
    Dee

    I too had an "ah-ha!" moment with your latest video blog. Can not wait for your book! Thanks Evan:-)

  13. 13
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Steve – Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry you’re cynical about my motives. I think we’re saying the same thing in slightly different ways. The truth is, Steve, that all of the things that women complain about here are real. Guys do a lot of things out of self-interest that hurt their female partners. This doesn’t mean they’re evil or that women should give up on men. This just means that there’s a reason so many women are down about men, and I wanted to acknowledge that – and remind them that they’re in control of how deeply they get involved with such guys.

    You know me, Steve. I’m not a He’s Just Not That Into You guy who tells women they’re perfect and not to “waste the pretty”. I’m all about personal responsibility and action. So let’s agree that the Power of Positive Thinking alone won’t create love, and let’s acknowledge that women have often struggled with men, through no fault of their own.

    The whole point of these videos and my upcoming book is to show women how to understand and connect with GOOD men, and dispense of the bad ones quickly. I hope it helps.

  14. 14
    Rosebud

    Evan: I think this is one of your best pieces ever. You are right on!

  15. 15
    starthrower68

    Be a person of integrity and character; then the undesirables will weed themselves out because they won’t be able to handle you.

  16. 16
    sayanta

    #15, Starthrower-

    That’s good, but I would add self-esteem to the mix. People might not want to hear it, but a lot of the time, no matter how outwardly successful they are, how nice, accomplished, etc. etc. the troubles with the opposite sex exist because women (or men) deep down truly feel that a balanced, loving relationship is not possible, for whatever reason. And yes…you get what you believe you’re capable of attracting.

  17. 17
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#10)
    “A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.”

    You’re only half right. The cynical, stay-at-home, low self-esteem person will be attracted to the dynamic, life-loving, warm person. It won’t happen the other way around, however.

    If someone is doing the right things to attract a good man (or woman), they’ll attract all sorts of men (or women). The better job they do, the more people they attract. They probably won’t attract the right people by doing the wrong thing, but they’ll certainly attract the wrong people by doing the right thing.

    In my dance class, the most desperate man with the lowest self-esteem recently started paying attention to the most desperate woman with the lowest self-esteem. They’ve been in the same class together for almost a year, but it took him that long to work his way down through the rest of the single women available.

    1. 17.1
      Tami Clegg

      Karl 
      You nailed it , that is so true !!! I am so glad someone here gets that , and does not blame the quality woman for so called subconsciously attracting the bad/wrong  men .

  18. 18
    Ruby

    I agree with this, but sometimes it’s hard to know if someone is wrong right away. Some people are very good at hiding or fudging the negatives that they don’t want you to see in the beginning. Obviously, they can’t be on their best behavior forever, but it’s the (often) uncertain early months of dating that many, if not most, of us struggle with, and I think that’s why. The problems start when the issues do come to light and we try to hang in anyway.

  19. 19
    sayanta

    Ruby-

    People have said it before, but I think the real problem is that women do see signs very early in the beginning but ignore their intuition for a multitude of reasons (loneliness, desperation, fill in the blanks). I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being “bad” in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.

    And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he’s estranged from parents, cheated on a girlfriends, etc.)

  20. 20
    Jackie

    But all those “bad guys” eventually become “good guys” once they meet the right woman. Otherwise, 95% of men out there are scum. To Karl @ 17: You are right; if you are attracted to someone “above” you, the chemistry probably comes from the false hope that this person would somehow make you more than what you are. Relationships among non-equals usually end in heartache.

  21. 21
    Karl R

    sayanta said: (#19)
    “I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being bad in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.”

    If you go that far, you’ll probably rule out everyone … even the good men/women. Everyone has something wrong with them.

    My little sister has been estranged from our parents for over 15 years. She’s been happily married for 10 years. While I agree that it’s a yellow flag that shouldn’t be ignored, it doesn’t necesarily mean that the person is incapable of a lasting relationship.

  22. 22
    sayanta

    karl-

    that was just an example just to throw something out there- I’m not talking about people having nothing wrong with them, but just the intuitive feeling that someone wouldn’t make a good b-friend for you

  23. 23
    sayanta

    Jackie #20-

    Re: your first line… for real?

    How ru defining bad?

  24. 24
    carolynstratman

    I had filled out the survey and one response to a question was that I felt I had settled during my life. This today makes me feel like you listened, it is another way to say it.
    Thank you.

  25. 25
    Steve

    Evan, I appreciate your answer.

    You’ve written it yourself. Women are the ones who pay for dating/related forums and writings. Their side gets told. The truth is not that men do shitty things to women in the dating/relationships arena . The truth is that *people* do shitty things to each other in the dating relationships arena.

    Your point, that these women have control over who they allow into their lives is golden and was extremely well put.

  26. 26
    Steve

    @Karl

    Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?

  27. 27
    Steve

    sayanta #19 wrote
    And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he s estranged from parents… )

    I don’t think I’ve read anything this extreme in this comments section since one woman kept insisting that people who had never been married (divorced or not ) by a certain age were damaged goods who were likely to be unsuitable for LTRs.

    Sayanta, you may have had wonderful parents growing up or parents who are decent enough to hang around despite parents being able to annoy adult children the way that they can, but not everyone has had that experience.

    Some parents are physically abusive, sending their kids to the hospital. Other parents are mentally abusive, telling kids such ugly things that they spend their lives getting over it.

    Why would someone being estranged from a person who did those kinds of things to them be worthy of a “sign”? Do you think that they would be less suitable as partners because they choose not to be around someone who caused them large amounts of pain?

  28. 28
    Ruby

    Sayanta #19

    But I think we get all kinds of messages from people early on, and some may be negative. We just don’t always know what they mean….do you end a relationship at the first inkling of a potential problem?

    I also wondered about the 95%. If that many men are “bad”, and even some of the ones who do jump above the 95% are “wrong”, that seems to leave a very small percentage of men. Then again, I suppose that’s true, given the number of relationships that actually end up working out…are all these men actually “bad”, or just wrong for a particular woman?

  29. 29
    sayanta

    I love how people are jumping on that one line of mine “estranged from parents”- and ignoring the rest of what I’m saying. For Chrissake- I threw that in under “e.g” -for example, is what that means for those who don’t know. My point was that certain things that shouldn’t be ignored very early on, do get ignored. That’s it.

    Steven- I’m not going to rehash the details of my personal upbringing here, because- well, that’ll take up the whole blog, and of course, it’s no one else’s concern. You’re absoutely right that some people have been through so much pain that it’s impossible for them to have contact with their parents. Am I saying they’re not worthy partners? No. Am I saying that they may not be the right person for me? Yes. Since I am the one who made the above comment, so naturally I came up with examples that suit me personally. This is not because I think that they’re not loving, open-hearted human beings (look at Oprah!). But you need more than love and respect in a relationship: you need shared values. And someone who’s been estranged from their parents (again, using that example ONLY because everyone’s jumped on it) probably has different ideas and issues regarding ‘family’ than I do. This won’t be a problem if you don’t want kids, but I do, and again, since I’m the one who made the comment, I’m using examples that suit me personally.

    Ruby- I think you may be missing my point. Intuition is the key word here. I realize that some people think intuition is New-Age bullcrap. I can only shrug my shoulders at that. Yes, I do believe everyone has intuition, but not everyone uses it- and the more likelihood of having an intense relationship with someone (i.e, a guy you’re interested as opposed to a same-sex member you’re chatting with on the Starbucks line), the more likely it is to kick in.

    But intuition is also hard to explain in left-brained terms, so all I can say is, you can dsitinguish early on between ‘petty’ problems and dealbreakers.

  30. 30
    sayanta

    oh- didn’t mean to italicize everything! Sorry!

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