Guys Who Call Too Much Or Guys Who Don’t Call Enough?

The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    starthrower68

    A happy medium, that’s all we ask. I’ve dealt with both ends of the spectrum but never the middle ground. I’ve had two experiences when the guys were in love within 2-3 weeks of nothing but phone calls and e-mails, not yet meeting, and not really even knowing me. I’ve had the flip side where they start to pull away, send mixed signals, or become ambivalent, and it made me anxious, and no matter how hard I tried to stifle that I’m sure the vibe was there. Not that it made any difference either way because these guys were not going to commit to anyone. The whole thing, be it Mr. Desperate or Mr. Could Care Less is exhausting.

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    BTW Evan, I see you’ve been “reading my mail” again.

  3. 3
    Deanna McNeil

    I love this post. What practical advice. I don’t get it either why I let my feelings run away with me but the more I learn to keep them under control and pay attention to what is really going on around me, the happier I have become over the years with the quality of my relationships.

  4. 4
    Diana

    This really begins not with valuing the guys who make you feel special, but with valuing yourself first. If you value yourself first, you won’t find yourself in this type of “You’re really great, but I’m going to do what I want when I want because I know you’ll still be hanging around for me when I’m ready” situation. Women need to be emotionally and independently healthy and strong, yet with an open heart and mind.

    But I know what you’re saying, Evan. It’s all good.

  5. 5
    Selena

    I met a guy on the beach once. We started talking. We went to have a beer. I gave him my phone number. He turned out to be the guy in example 1. He would call repeatedly. Long conversations, mostly of him going on and on. He made all these plans of things we were going to do in the future (horseback riding??!, etc.). Talked to me like I was “Instagirlfriend”. After 45 min. on the phone with him I was afraid to stay on any longer for fear he was going to tell me the names he had picked out for our future kids.

    When I stopped answering the phone every time, he started calling every half an hour. All day long. In one call I did answer he told me he had been riding up and down the streets near the beach where we met hoping to see me. !!!! My apt. was 3 blocks up from that spot. Thank God I wasn’t outside. If he knew where I lived he would have been at my door all the time.

    This guy CREEPED ME OUT. He was waaay too much too soon. We hadn’t even had an official first date. He didn’t even know my last name. To me, this is a completely different animal than a “nice guy” showing attention and interest. This type of behavior borders on the pathological if indeed it hasn’t already jumped over the line with both feet.

    I’ve also met example 2 before. After allowing myself to be “strung along” for awhile by a couple of these guys when I was younger, I learned. If someone only wants to spend time with me once a week or less, all they want is a casual relationship. Fine if that happens to be what I want too. If not? Don’t waste time hoping it will develop into something more. Someone who is JNTIY early on is never going to be that into you.

    Most men I’ve met over the decades haven’t fallen to these extremes. There is balance in life thankfully.

  6. 6
    delicia

    I think the key is for women not to FALL for these guys (or girls, if the situation is reversed)…. if women can see it as just “having fun” and they’re ok with that, great. But for women who want relationships, these guys (the ambivalent ones) are dangerous. I think most women do end up realizing this but it can be a long, painful, lonely road. To think that the guy that texts for a booty call every once in a while, seems to forget for weeks on end that you even exist, and doesn’t make sure you know where you stand with him is or ever will be anything more than a physical thing is just delusional.

  7. 7
    Cilla

    Hmmm… interesting that this post is directed at women and how they need to stop bending over backwards for the guy who never calls. Why not a post for guys on how to make the appropriate amount of contact with a woman they’re interested in? (Perhaps you’ve done that–I didn’t do through the archives.)

    I know, I know, most men won’t bother reading (or heeding) dating advice, it’s a woman’s genre, etc.

    Sad. It seems most of the time all we can do is learn how to react to bad behavior.

  8. 8
    starthrower68

    @ 3 & 4,

    That really is the trick, as in so many other areas of life; not to be ruled by our emotions. Emotions are not wrong, but they are not facts. We need to listen to our hearts but also be guided by wisdom. While we do want an open mind and open heart, we need to maintain enough objectivity to make a good choice. And really, alot of what wisdom is, is making a choice today that you’ll be happy with well into the future.

  9. 9
    Karl R

    When corresponding, I generally try to respond within 24 hours. I can generally find the time. It tends to limit correspondence to once (at most twice) a day. And it doesn’t set any unreasonable expectations for the future (i.e. that she’ll always hear from me within the hour).

    It’s a happy medium.

  10. 10
    1badgirl

    You know Evan, you gave similar advice in a prior post…something along the lines of “if he’s not making plans to see you again, then the behavior on the ACTUAL DATE means nothing.”

    I want to say thank you for this information! After reading several of your posts, I have been able to regain control over myself in regards to a certain FWB I’ve had for the past four years. The “relationship” is going nowhere, I’ve stopped getting the benefits part of the deal, and he’s turning into the guy-who-barely-calls…so now I barely call…it will dwindle off, and because of your posts, I feel strong enough to let him disappear.

    I think it’s a cruel trick of nature that allows men to control the way in which the relationship does or does not progress. Women decide IF he gets the time of day…the men spend the rest of the “relationship” dicking around with their latest conquest. Is there a way for women to be in control? …I’m going to be working on that because I’m tired of “you guys” always winning.

    http://www.4badgirlzonly.wordpress.com

    1badgirl´s last blog post…9 Bitch-ass-n*%^^a My Battle with Somtimey Dick

  11. 11
    Jennifer

    The reason i don’t like guys that seem to like me too much too soon is because they don’t know me, so what do they really like? The picture of me they’ve got in their mind. And if they get to know me more and i’m not quite like the picture they’ve dreamed up, then they are gonna be disappointed. I don’t care to be up on imaginary pedastals- the fall is always real.

    A guy that shows good initial interest and likes me more and more as he learns more about me- that’s a good bet.

    And I agree with Diana #4- the better your relationship with yourself is, the more unlikely it is you would actually fall for booty call/once a week text guy.

  12. 13
    Steve

    Cilla May 29th 2009 at 06:04 am 7
    I know, I know, most men won’t bother reading (or heeding) dating advice, it’s a woman’s genre, etc.

    I think the success of the book “The Game”, the success of that movie “The Tao Of Steve” and an explosion of PUA sites belie that belief.

    Maybe it is an issue of how to package the content for the market and not a matter of the existence of a market.

    Personally, I hate the way advice is packaged in the PUA genre. I think 98% of it is ordinary time honored non-objectionable advice wrapped in arrested adolescent locker room talk.

    It would be great to get the same issues discussed in a way that fits men who are grown ups and who aren’t scared/completely ignorant of women.

  13. 14
    BeenThruTheWars

    @1badgirl, #10:

    The mere fact that we women decide “IF he gets the time of day” is exactly what puts us in the driver’s seat in relationships. “Men gather and women choose.” We have little control over who gathers (they need to be attracted to us, we need to be their “type”); but from that point on, you betcha it’s up to us how (and indeed, if) the relationship goes.

    The single biggest thing that will give you control over how your relationships progress is having self-esteem when it comes to men, and being willing to walk away if you are mistreated or taken for granted, or are unhappy/unfulfilled for whatever reason. It’s similar to a business negotiation: the people who are willing to say no and walk away from a deal that is unfavorable to them are the ones who invariably are more highly valued by employers. Because they know their value (realistically, not narcissistically) in the marketplace.

  14. 15
    Lance

    Find the right balance, be energetic and positive, don’t flood or smother, keep flirting, keep your cool. The guy who is a gushy, smothery puppy dog is NOT a good partner because he’s the guy who turns into a suicidal stalker after you dump him, and he’s going to get dumped at some point. If the guy likes you and he’s mature, he’ll make the right moves.

    Lance´s last blog post…I Grabbed Some Chick’s Ass On Memorial Day

  15. 16
    Lance

    Also, @Steve, have to disagree about the PUA material. Some of it sucks but a lot of it is cutting edge material on attraction art and science. You can’t find that stuff anywhere else.

    Lance´s last blog post…I Grabbed Some Chick’s Ass On Memorial Day

  16. 17
    delicia

    To 1badgirl and others that commented about self-esteem, that’s why it’s so important to have a mental checklist (I’m not referring to physical traits) of what you will and will not tolerate in terms of treatment BEFORE it gets to the point where you are emotionally invested and sucked into the drama. After getting burned a few times by these types of guys and realizing that they never *truly* cared about me the way my family and friends do, I was able to see things clearly and let go of these unhealthy situations. Evan said he’s “just pointing out the obvious” but it ain’t so obvious when your emotions are involved…. this is a message that many men and women need to hear so thanks EMK!!!!

  17. 18
    delicia

    oops, I guess Evan said “what may not be obvious”…. but you guys catch my drift. :)

  18. 19
    Ava

    I’ve also had guys who called all the time in the beginning, who thought I was the greatest, and then flaked out a a few weeks or months down the road. These were men I’ve also liked, and I would feel like as soon as they felt they’d won me over, they’d freak out and back away. Personally, it doesn’t bother me if a guy I like calls or emails me a lot (well, maybe not a dozen times a day!), as long as he’s stable and sincere. Unfortunately, those qualities haven’t been all that easy to find! Now, I take any attention with a grain of salt and see if it can stand the test of time.

  19. 20
    Cilla

    @ Evan

    Thanks for the link–I had a feeling you must have addressed this at some point. Still sad that 75% of your readers are women, since we are already so much more enlightened. ;-)

    @ Steve

    I not only dislike the delivery in the PUA genre, I dislike the content, as well. It’s gone so far beyond giving regular guys a boost of confidence or counsel on approaching women. What used to be “time honored non-objectionable advice” has become a mean game, where men are taught techniques like “negging.” Then women respond with books like “Why Men Love Bitches,” and the war continues. What we need is a round table of professionals in the field to sit down together and come to some consensus, just as scientists do, rather than sniping at each other or countering each other’s advice with even more contentious suggestions.

  20. 21
    JB

    Women complain when guys call “too much” or “not enough” …lol
    Why don’t you all just make a law telling us exactly when and how often we SHOULD call to please all of you.

    Puhhhhlllleeezzzzzzzz. Too many variables here.

    What planet does 1badgirl live on that she thinks men “control everything”….lol Certainly not the planet of online dating….lol
    Or my favorite online dating site http://www.womencontrolyou.com ;-)

  21. 22
    Robyn

    I think the bigger problem with calling too much, by either the man or the woman, too early in a relationship or before there even IS a relationship is that the enthusiasm is usually based on projected feelings and imaginings about the person instead of on experience and the truth. I get panicky when someone gives me over-the-top compliments nonstop and calls me daily when they don’t really know me because their enthusiasm for me is usually based on the most surface of information – my picture, the info in my profile, and maybe a brief phone call.

    I dated someone last summer who was this way – far too “into” me, without really knowing me. I finally brought it up one day – the fact that I knew tons about him but he never really ever asked about me. I offered him some info but it only made him uncomfortable. I realized that he was really interested in me because I had the patience to listen to him, but he wasn’t interested in returning the favor.

    Be “into” someone you really know. Be INTERESTED in someone you don’t – and by being interested, I mean, ask questions, and get to know the person. From that, a relationship can actually grow.

  22. 23
    JuJu

    LOL, preferring one guy over the other has nothing to do with the number of calls. :-)

    The simple way to explain it would be that you usually like a male that’s generally popular with females. He can afford to ignore you for weeks on end.

    The “puppy” is usually not a desirable male, and that’s why you don’t like him, not because he calls too often.

    If a man a woman is crazy about is just as crazy about her and shows it – nothing would make her happier! This kind of romantic bliss is just a really rare coincidence.

    There is a quote, I believe by Gabriel Garcia Marquez: “Do not waste your time on those who do not strive to spend it with you.”

    It is difficult to see the objective reality when you are infatuated, but just try to remind yourself that it’s purely hormonal, keep breathing, live in the moment (instead of in your head), and you should be able to deal with whatever life throws at you.

  23. 24
    JM

    So true about the happy medium. I think it goes both ways that men and women like a little mystery when they first get to know someone and too many phone calls is complete overkill, especially when you don’t really know each other yet. I think there are ways to let each other know that you are both interested without completely smothering the other person in the process. A little space is always a good thing!

  24. 25
    Cilla

    JuJu’s right–if a guy I’m really into calls all the time, it’s suddenly not too much–it’s just right LOL.

    If I’m on the fence about a guy, and he calls a lot, it will push me away.

    It’s nice when a man asks, “Can I call you tomorrow? What time works for you?” And then actually calls when he says he will.

  25. 26
    starthrower68

    Oh that’s rich, JB, considering how women are supposed to be attentive but not too attentive, interested but not eager, appropriately detached but not cold, and ready to have sex so that you get to “test drive” us, but not too ready too soon so that you don’t loose respect for us. You want to start casting aspersions on women for our rules, then perhaps you should look at your own gender first.

  26. 27
    Selena

    What is “negging”?

  27. 28
    Anon

    I agree re: the number of calls… if Justin Timberlake were calling me 10 times a day you wouldn’t hear me complaining!!!! LOL.

  28. 29
    delicia

    The “guy calling too much” issue is kind of analogous to women and thinking if they have sex too soon it’s the kiss of death for a potential relationship. Obviously every situation’s different, but neither one would likely be the ONLY reason that someone wasn’t interested. Chances are, they just weren’t that interested to begin with. And I’m not talking about stalker types calling 10x/day I mean calling a few times a week or even every other day at the beginning of a relationship.

  29. 30
    starthrower68

    The two times I had this happen, both guys also said within 2-3 weeks (without having met me and nothing but phone or e-mail conversation) that they were falling in love with me. They didn’t even know me! It felt like they were just throwing the word “love” around like a cheap piece of lawn furniture and that it wasn’t me there were in love with, but that they were in love with being in love. They didn’t even know enough about me to consider me special above all others.

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