Thanks for all your great writings and teachings. I have a question for you.
I am seeing a guy for almost 4 months now, I am 25 and he is 39. He has 2 teenage kids (boys) and we have been introduced to each other.
When I sleep over at his house he wakes me early in the morning and takes me home before they wake. I don’t do it too often when they are there as it is not nice sneaking out.
Is this a sign that he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend? Could there be other issues involved?
I did ask him about it and he just said “How would I feel if you woke up and there’s a female in the house?” Not really an answer, huh?
The other thing is that he doesn’t introduce me to all his friends and family as his girlfriend, as he tells me he is taking this opportunity to get to know me better and if I feel comfortable to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends it’s fine with him. He tells me every time he sees me how much he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me and how much he misses me. He is a really great guy and anyone will be happy with him I am just afraid of losing him.
I just feel it’s not enough to make me feel secure, should I even be feeling insecure that he wouldn’t stay around?
I really don’t know what to think, please help.
There are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first?
The good news is that you’ve got nothing to worry about in relation to his children. As I mentioned recently, a client of mine was having the same exact issue with her older boyfriend and his teenage son.
What I told her was that as long as her boyfriend was treating her well – with consistency and kindness – the fact that she hadn’t yet met his son has far more to do with his son that it has to do with her.
If the son is judgmental, if the son is emotional, if the son wants Mom and Dad to get back together, if the son is jealous that Dad is happy, if the son is a contrary teenage boy, if the son has seen Dad parade a variety of women through his life and gotten too attached…there are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.
The problem is that you’re seeing this as a slight to you. It’s no surprise. You’re human; of course you’re going to think about how it affects you. But the truth is, incorporating the new girlfriend into the family is a very delicate situation. My forty and fiftysomething clients have given me quite an education on how complex it can be.
Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids.
If that’s your biggest issue with him, I told my client, you truly have an amazing relationship. And it’s true, she does. Her man is an amazing communicator, a great dad, and an understanding boyfriend. He just doesn’t fully comprehend how keeping her from his family makes her feel insecure. But as she gets more comfortable in the relationship, she’s starting to understand two things: 1) it’s not just about what she wants, 2) if she’s patient and a good communicator, she WILL get what she wants. This is Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in action. By being an amazing girlfriend, her boyfriend will soon realize that he WANTS to share her with his son.
Which brings me back to you, Meagan. Here’s the bad news:
I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.
I’m guessing that you’re the cute younger girl that he’s “seeing” right now.
I’m guessing that by the time you read this, your heart will already be broken.
Hey, I could be wrong. I just know that after 4 months, you should be talking in terms of “boyfriend/girlfriend” and if he’s hesitant to do so, it says a lot more about your relationship than the teenage sons thing.
Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids. Not too many men can date a woman for 4 months and not call her a girlfriend – unless, of course, they don’t intend on her being a girlfriend.
My recommendation is to prepare yourself for a new boyfriend, closer to your age, who is absolutely crazy about you.