Why Does My Older Boyfriend Kick Me Out Before His Kids Wake Up? Give Me Some Relationship Advice!

Thanks for all your great writings and teachings. I have a question for you.

I am seeing a guy for almost 4 months now, I am 25 and he is 39. He has 2 teenage kids (boys) and we have been introduced to each other.

When I sleep over at his house he wakes me early in the morning and takes me home before they wake. I don’t do it too often when they are there as it is not nice sneaking out.

Is this a sign that he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend? Could there be other issues involved?

I did ask him about it and he just said “How would I feel if you woke up and there’s a female in the house?” Not really an answer, huh?

The other thing is that he doesn’t introduce me to all his friends and family as his girlfriend, as he tells me he is taking this opportunity to get to know me better and if I feel comfortable to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends it’s fine with him. He tells me every time he sees me how much he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me and how much he misses me. He is a really great guy and anyone will be happy with him I am just afraid of losing him.

I just feel it’s not enough to make me feel secure, should I even be feeling insecure that he wouldn’t stay around?

I really don’t know what to think, please help.

Meagan

 

There are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

Aw Meagan,

I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first?

Perfect.

The good news is that you’ve got nothing to worry about in relation to his children. As I mentioned recently, a client of mine was having the same exact issue with her older boyfriend and his teenage son.

What I told her was that as long as her boyfriend was treating her well – with consistency and kindness – the fact that she hadn’t yet met his son has far more to do with his son that it has to do with her.

If the son is judgmental, if the son is emotional, if the son wants Mom and Dad to get back together, if the son is jealous that Dad is happy, if the son is a contrary teenage boy, if the son has seen Dad parade a variety of women through his life and gotten too attached…there are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

The problem is that you’re seeing this as a slight to you. It’s no surprise. You’re human; of course you’re going to think about how it affects you. But the truth is, incorporating the new girlfriend into the family is a very delicate situation. My forty and fiftysomething clients have given me quite an education on how complex it can be.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids.

If that’s your biggest issue with him, I told my client, you truly have an amazing relationship. And it’s true, she does. Her man is an amazing communicator, a great dad, and an understanding boyfriend. He just doesn’t fully comprehend how keeping her from his family makes her feel insecure. But as she gets more comfortable in the relationship, she’s starting to understand two things: 1) it’s not just about what she wants, 2) if she’s patient and a good communicator, she WILL get what she wants. This is Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in action. By being an amazing girlfriend, her boyfriend will soon realize that he WANTS to share her with his son.

Which brings me back to you, Meagan. Here’s the bad news:

I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.

I’m guessing that you’re the cute younger girl that he’s “seeing” right now.

I’m guessing that by the time you read this, your heart will already be broken.

Hey, I could be wrong. I just know that after 4 months, you should be talking in terms of “boyfriend/girlfriend” and if he’s hesitant to do so, it says a lot more about your relationship than the teenage sons thing.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids. Not too many men can date a woman for 4 months and not call her a girlfriend – unless, of course, they don’t intend on her being a girlfriend.

My recommendation is to prepare yourself for a new boyfriend, closer to your age, who is absolutely crazy about you.

Good luck.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jennifer

    Evan, I thought she said that she *had* met his sons, he just doesn’t want them to see her there in the morning?

    I get why the dad does that and all but it’d bug me too. That’s one of the problems of dating people with kids (particularly if you don’t have any).

  2. 2
    Leftos

    We’ve had similar posts on our site as well. Most of our users have had the same insights as Evan. These situations are tough to gage. Evan is most likely right when he says you are better off looking for someone your own age that is crazy about you. Why waste your time on a man who isn’t making you feel wanted or special. The greatest thing about being with someone is that you are with them and they make you feel good about yourself and special. If you don’t completely feel that way, then our users will tell you that you are most likely better off looking in other places for true love. Feel free to check out some more insights from our users. Evan is a master at this stuff but it’s sometimes nice to hear what other people who have gone through similar situations have done. GoodLuck!

  3. 3
    Helen

    I agree with Evan. If he’s not calling you his girlfriend, he just wants you for booty calls and for little else.

    As Steve Harvey wrote in his recent book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,” a man who is in it all the way with you will find some way to label you in front of others: his girlfriend, his sweetie, his lady. If he just introduces you as, “This is… Megean,” you should be thinking, “This is going nowhere.”

  4. 4
    Honey

    This is a little confusing because Evan’s advice says not to be too insulted that she hasn’t met the sons, but she says she has been introduced to them – the guy just doesn’t want them to see her in the morning. If he’s trying to promote conservative sexual values, that makes sense to me. Or am I missing something?

    I do think to not call her his girlfriend after 4 months is taking it a little slow – maybe he doesn’t want to do it in front of the sons (for any of the reasons Evan mentions) but to not do it in front of friends? That would make me feel crummy, too. Though I’m not sure the best way to handle it…

  5. 5
    Joe

    EMK said:
    I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.

    Huh? Didn’t Meagan already say she and the sons have been introduced? What’s not clear is whether or not she and the father hang out with the kids together.

    Maybe the guy wants to sleep with Meagan but also wants to try to be an example for this sons, and (foolishly) thinks if he hustles her out of the house before the boys wake up they won’t know he’s boinking her.

    Maybe he really does like her, but is ambivalent about getting into something long-term with someone that much younger.

  6. 6
    eephot

    Evan,

    It seems like you wrote this on autopilot:
    Instead of “I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son,” I think she said that she already MET both sons (“we have been introduced to each other”). I liked everything you said about the complexity of blending families, but my prognosis wouldn’t be as pessimistic as yours.

  7. 7
    Evan Marc Katz

    Mea culpa. The advice stands, but I did make a mistake. Thanks to those who pointed it out.

  8. 8
    Steve

    Meagan;

    Evan may be right. This may not be about you personally, but rather about your BF feeling awkward with his young girlfriend being around his family and his friends.

    That *may* be a legitimate concern, but regardless, I don’t think you should settle for being treated like a second class person in your BF’s life.

    You have only been dating him for 4 months. You are 25. You have nothing but options and opportunities. Find a new BF.

  9. 9
    Steve

    @Honey #4

    the guy just doesn’t want them to see her in the morning. If he’s trying to promote conservative sexual values, that makes sense to me.

    If the BF is trying to promote conservative sexual values, then he is being a hypocrite by having premarital sex.

  10. 10
    Honey

    @ Steve, I have yet to meet a single parent anywhere that is completely honest about their personal sexual values – the default is to promote the conservative status quo while living the lifestyle of serial monogamy.

    I could never do that (i.e., if Jake and I had kids then I’d say, your dad lost his virginity when he was 15, I lost mine when I was 18, and each of us had 20 or so sexual partners prior to meeting each other). The social judgment that I can imagine incurring from other parents (since I’d also be honest with anyone else’s child who asked me) is part of the reason I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want a child forcing me to become a hypocrite, and I don’t see any other option.

  11. 11
    Steve

    Teenagers are not dumb and they are rather unforgiving with hypocrisy.

    If Meagan’s boyfriend thinks that his teenage sons are unaware of their father having sex with Meagan in their house he is in for a shock.

    Her BF is teaching his sons to not respect him and to not respect the women they may someday date.

  12. 12
    Shalini

    I am not too experienced.. but if i was this guys teenage daughter even i would not like to see a girl other than my mother going out of the house in the morning!! So there is really nothing to take personally about that.
    But as everyone said not calling you his GF in front of his friends can have no reason except that he does not want anything long term with you. It seems he is just out to have fun. You should leave this guy.

  13. 13
    Diana

    Aside from not being introduced as his girlfriend, I couldn’t find anything in her letter that made it clear he has even privately acknowledged to her that he thinks of her as his girlfriend. I think he either hasn’t crossed that threshold in his mind and/or he feels a little embarrassed introducing as his girlfriend because of their age difference. She could also look younger than 25, and of course, he could look older than 39.

    Regardless, I think they need to communicate clearly whether she’s his girlfriend or not. If she is, then he needs to man up and introduce her as such or if he doesn’t, does she really want to deal with his insecurities about them?

    As for leaving before the boys get up, the teens may or may not know. I wouldn’t take this personally, but I wouldn’t sleep over when there are children either.

  14. 14
    JerseyGirl

    She can do better then some 39 year old with teen kids. I hope she does.

  15. 15
    JB

    No 25 yr.old woman should be dating any 39 yr.old man with kids and certainly not be sleeping over when they are around Itdoesn’t matter how old they are or if you’ve met them and they love you. Like someone above me said at her age she has a bazillion men without kids to chose from. Happy hunting.

    1. 15.1
      Ornello

      JB, how dare you tell the woman she should not be dating an older man! Why not? I don’t know whether getting her out before the boys wake up is good or not, but I can see why the father might want to do that.

  16. 16
    Sayanta

    #14-#15-

    Thank you!!! I have a friend in the same situation- an attractive 27 year old classical musician who’s dating a bald 40-year-old dude who drives a truck and has three kids AND a psychotic ex-wife. I tell her she can do better, but she seems to think that’s the best she can do. What’s the world coming to?

    1. 16.1
      kemal

      You might be downplaying the man’s appeal. Maybe he is tall and has a great physique. Perhaps despite being bald he has good facial features and is proportionate otherwise. 

  17. 17
    Jennifer

    Honey #10
    Those numbers and ages sound reasonable to me. I can’t imagine a lot of dropped jaws over that (I’d hope anyway!)

    Steve #11
    I agree. The show the father is putting on for his sons is pointless. I’d love it if they called him out one day ‘Does Meagan work really far away or something? She’s always gone before breakfast’ LOL!

  18. 18
    Sayanta

    I think it’s perfectly fine for the father to be doing this- he’s putting his children’s feelings first- something most Americans have forgotten to do.

  19. 19
    Michael

    She should dump him.

    She is clearly not ready to date someone with kids. And why is she sleeping over at his place instead of hers?

  20. 20
    Steve

    @Sayanta #18

    Really?

    If someone was sleeping over and having sex with someone in your home you wouldn’t know?

    All his father is accomplishing by giving Meagan the bum’s rush is making his legitimate desires for sex and companionship look dirty.

  21. 21
    A-L

    RE: Steve’s #20

    As far as I know, my parents had sex twice in my (near) lifetime. Once when I was conceived, and once when I had the misfortune of walking in on them. They divorced when I left for college, but I remain firm in my belief. And I definitely plan on keeping it that way.

    I see no reason why kids might feel similarly inclined to disbelieve that their parents have sex, even with others. But having Meagan around in the morning makes it pretty impossible to keep believing that there’s no sex going on.

  22. 22
    Shalini

    @ A-L
    yes.. obviously. No kid wants to know or realise their prents have sex. I dont see anything wrong with not wanting to realise that. Its really no big deal.
    U dont have to be a parent with kids to realise that. You just have to think if you would like to imagine such things about your own parents.
    The only issue here is that it’s really strange to not introduce her as his gf after 4 months and everything. I would certainly be bothered about that specially if all my own friends know the guy is my boy friend.

  23. 23
    downtowngal

    I don’t think this has as much to do with the guy protecting his kids as he’s just using her for sex. And he doesn’t sound like a nice guy.

    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life

    (2) when asked, he plays this game turning it around on her that SHE has to first introduce him to her friends

    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning. I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment (which I presume is an issue w OP otherwis she wouldn’t be writing EMK)

    (4) also, when asked, what’s up with his response about considering if there are kids – WTF???

    Doesn’t sound as if this guy cares about her needs. OP, sure he enjoys being w you and seems like a great guy, but he’s not treating you well. If he saw you as LTR potential he would have introduced you to his kids BEFORE allowing you to stay over.

  24. 24
    downtowngal

    Also, I disagree that he’s protecting his kids. I’m sure they hear things in the middle of the night, and may have bumped into her at one point. If he’s really that concerned about protecting his kids they’d stay over at her place or get a hotel.

    If he’s home because he doesn’t want to leave the kids alone, then what’s gonna happen if one of them wakes up in the middle of the night and needs daddy? Oh, sorry, kid, the door’s locked, please wait while daddy asks his ‘gal pal’ to hide in the closet.

    A woman his own age wouldn’t put up with this crap.

  25. 25
    Jennifer

    Some people may be bothered by the thought of their parents having sex (with others or with each other) but not everyone is. I would think the tendency to bothered by this would lessen with age, and his kids are teenagers.

  26. 26
    Joe

    Michael sez:
    She is clearly not ready to date someone with kids. And why is she sleeping over at his place instead of hers?
    Well, “teenage” encompasses everything from 13 to 19. If the boys were 18 and 19, leaving them home alone to sleep over at Meagan’s place would be no big deal. If they’re 13 and 14, it’s a bit more of an issue.

    downtowgal sez:
    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life
    and
    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning. I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment

    Reading for comprehension! He hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life as his girlfriend. And he’s already introduced her to the kids.

  27. 27
    Robyn

    Dear Meagan,

    If a guy is not introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend, then you are not his girlfriend.
    i.e. you are his current squeeze / convenient sh_g. Nothing more.
    The fact that he is hustling you out of the house before the kids wake up is a huge red flag / “convenient sh_g” indicator. (Trust me on this – I’ve been thru it myself!).

    If he is not prepared to have you stay over and be at the breakfast table the next morning, you should not be staying over. Period.
    If you want him in your bed overnight, then he should stay over with you at your place, or you should get a hotel room.

    But seriously, why bother? you can do a lot better than this guy!
    At 25 you are in the prime of your life looks-wise, and you sound like a really sweet gal – I’m sure there are lots of guys closer to your own age that are single and would love to have you be at their breakfast table on a Sunday morning.

    Dump this chump & go get yourself a real sweetie, Girl!

  28. 28
    JB

    @Sayanta #16:” An attractive 27 yr.old classical musician” “dating a bald 40 yr. old dude who drives a truck with 3 kids and a psychotic ex-wife” …..lol Too funny!! Does he have a beer belly,70′s porn star mustache, and a hairy chest too?? Ewwww!!

    Out of curiosity…..just where does a bald 40yr.old truck driver MEET a “27 yr.old classical musician”?? Oh wait…don’t tell me….
    She met him on Dateatrucker.com??

    Of course this is just the value of what each of them do for a living and thier respective ages and not putting what they look like into the equation. Not that it matters so much here but it’s tough on this blog sometimes when scenarios are questioned but we have NO idea what the people were talking about actually look like for a frame of reference.

  29. 29
    Shalini

    @ downtown girl
    i think you need to calm down.. u seem to be angry. No one said the guy is not using her for sex..
    but i think u r blowing up the issue about the kids.

  30. 30
    Selena

    My take is he’s not sure where this might go, how long it might last. Hence the hesitation of introducing Meagan as his girlfriend and having her “part of the family” in the morning.

    Because of the age difference, he may think she will be the one to move on fairly quickly – as many of you have suggested – and is being somewhat protective accordingly.

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