Why Does My Older Boyfriend Kick Me Out Before His Kids Wake Up? Give Me Some Relationship Advice!

Thanks for all your great writings and teachings. I have a question for you.

I am seeing a guy for almost 4 months now, I am 25 and he is 39. He has 2 teenage kids (boys) and we have been introduced to each other.

When I sleep over at his house he wakes me early in the morning and takes me home before they wake. I don’t do it too often when they are there as it is not nice sneaking out.

Is this a sign that he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend? Could there be other issues involved?

I did ask him about it and he just said “How would I feel if you woke up and there’s a female in the house?” Not really an answer, huh?

The other thing is that he doesn’t introduce me to all his friends and family as his girlfriend, as he tells me he is taking this opportunity to get to know me better and if I feel comfortable to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends it’s fine with him. He tells me every time he sees me how much he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me and how much he misses me. He is a really great guy and anyone will be happy with him I am just afraid of losing him.

I just feel it’s not enough to make me feel secure, should I even be feeling insecure that he wouldn’t stay around?

I really don’t know what to think, please help.

Meagan

 

There are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

Aw Meagan,

I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first?

Perfect.

The good news is that you’ve got nothing to worry about in relation to his children. As I mentioned recently, a client of mine was having the same exact issue with her older boyfriend and his teenage son.

What I told her was that as long as her boyfriend was treating her well – with consistency and kindness – the fact that she hadn’t yet met his son has far more to do with his son that it has to do with her.

If the son is judgmental, if the son is emotional, if the son wants Mom and Dad to get back together, if the son is jealous that Dad is happy, if the son is a contrary teenage boy, if the son has seen Dad parade a variety of women through his life and gotten too attached…there are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

The problem is that you’re seeing this as a slight to you. It’s no surprise. You’re human; of course you’re going to think about how it affects you. But the truth is, incorporating the new girlfriend into the family is a very delicate situation. My forty and fiftysomething clients have given me quite an education on how complex it can be.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids.

If that’s your biggest issue with him, I told my client, you truly have an amazing relationship. And it’s true, she does. Her man is an amazing communicator, a great dad, and an understanding boyfriend. He just doesn’t fully comprehend how keeping her from his family makes her feel insecure. But as she gets more comfortable in the relationship, she’s starting to understand two things: 1) it’s not just about what she wants, 2) if she’s patient and a good communicator, she WILL get what she wants. This is Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in action. By being an amazing girlfriend, her boyfriend will soon realize that he WANTS to share her with his son.

Which brings me back to you, Meagan. Here’s the bad news:

I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.

I’m guessing that you’re the cute younger girl that he’s “seeing” right now.

I’m guessing that by the time you read this, your heart will already be broken.

Hey, I could be wrong. I just know that after 4 months, you should be talking in terms of “boyfriend/girlfriend” and if he’s hesitant to do so, it says a lot more about your relationship than the teenage sons thing.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends – especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids. Not too many men can date a woman for 4 months and not call her a girlfriend – unless, of course, they don’t intend on her being a girlfriend.

My recommendation is to prepare yourself for a new boyfriend, closer to your age, who is absolutely crazy about you.

Good luck.

0
0

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (51 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    downtowngal

    Shalini #29, I’m not angry, I’m just calling it as I see it. I don’t think the issue is w the kids, it’s him. OP referring to this guy as he BF, yet he’s sleeping w her after 4 months and not even considering her his GF, and kicks her out of bed in the morning. If he wanted her more in his life I doubt he’d be treating her this way.

  2. 32
    Anette C

    A good friend of mine once told me(hes a relationship counscelor), if you want to know wether or not a man really cares for you, stop sleeping with him.(or better yet, don’t start too early)

    Now I’m not one into sexual games(in the bad way..hehe), but in many way’s my friend is actually right(and the main reason I won’t be with some-one phyiscally for a while, during our initial dating stage). Some men simply view sex differently. They will treat it casual, treat the relationship casually. It doesn’t mean they are being “disrespectful” toward you, its simply the way THEY view sex(and they don’t get why women view it differently nor do they try and understand that).

    If you are in a situation with a guy like this, then I’m afraid the only way you would know(espcially when he’s not calling you his GF), is to stop sleeping with him.

    A 39 year old man, being with a 24 isn’t necessarily in it in a casual way, but the age factor would be of concern to him also, which is why he would take quite some time to determine if you are really the right one for him. He is also quite intoxicating to young women, who aren’t used to the confidence, and “maturity”(a certain kind anyway) of an older man. I’m usually pretty disgusted by older men that go for young women. Your life stages are too different, and most of the time I just see it as being a bit selfish.

    Anyway, my 2c’s.

  3. 33
    Steve

    I didn’t see downtowngals comment in #24 as being uptight.

  4. 34
    AMR

    I agree with Anette. If your instincts aren’t telling you “run screaming for the hills”. then you should just stop sleeping over.

    Also, I would start dating other people while seeing him. Tell him he’s great, blah blah blah, but that you are young and want to explore your options as well. If he can’t give you a commitment, hey, thats his deal. You, as a 25 year old with an open mind (open enough to date someone with teenagers), have about a million dating options.

    If he gets upset by this idea, he will do what he needs to and make things more official. If he doesn’t, you will other men who will give you what you want.

    Dating someone with kids requires a lot of effort. I’m not saying it isn’t worthwhile. My bf is 10 years older (I’m 27) and has 2 teenagers. Not the relationship I EVER imagined myself in, but it works. At times, it has been exhausting. Thinking about the age difference, the relatives reactions, the ex-wife, if the kids would accept me, if i would like them, what our future would be (a dude with 2 kids may not be interested in having more), etc, has caused a lot of stress. The point is, the situation you are 4 months into is NOT an easy one. Finding someone without all these fun added “bonuses” may be the way to go.

  5. 35
    Sayanta

    #24, Downtown-

    Yeah, I didn’t see your post as angry at all. I’m not sure how or why it’s being interpreted that way.

  6. 36
    Aj

    I understand the out before the kids wake up. The age difference is no big deal. I know some hot 40 year old’s and some tired 27 year old’s so you never know.

  7. 37
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    Sure seems like he’s using her, and for that matter if he cared about his teenagers he’d show a good example of how to treat a woman. You definitely don’t have them stay over for the night and shove them out the door first thing in the morning. It’s not like they don’t know about his relationship(as in her staying over and acting like they don’t know. I get that she has met his children.) with her, they’re not toddlers. I don’t really see how he’s protecting his children here. I feel like he’s just being naive, and if I’m completely wrong here and he’s a decent guy by doing what he does. Then I’d still respectfully decline and move on to someone who wants me around in the morning. That’s what I’d do. I’d be furious if I was the OP.

  8. 38
    Selena

    Why not just talk to him about how all this bothers you instead of writing a dating coach? How are you going to know how he really feels about you if you don’t discuss it?

    He doesn’t want you there in the morning? Tell him you are tired of sneaking out of the house at dawn. Stop sleeping over and see what happens. Annoyed he won’t introduce you as his girlfriend? Call him on it. Ask him if this is casual to him, and should you be dating other guys.

    I think you’ve reached the “shit or get off the pot” point with him and it’s time you both are honest with each other.

  9. 39
    downtowngal

    grrrr…grrrrrrrrr…i’m angry….grrrrrrrrrrr….

  10. 40
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    downtowngal #39…. hahahahaha!!!

    one more thing….
    One thing I’ve learned about dating a good guy… they listen to your concerns. They try to work them out, and they like having you around in the morning. If he’s not ready to date and do things that ENTAIL DATING; such as, having your girlfriend stay over your house and leaving the next day in attire other than what ninjas wear. Then perhaps he should consider taking care of his kids which he is so concerned about and not date. Lame….. ok. sorry. He’s too old for these boyish shenanigans.

  11. 42
    Goldie

    I totally understand the “out before kids wake up” thing too. In fact, I agree, it’d probably be even better if he wouldn’t have her over for the night at all when kids are around. Personally, I could never pull it off – my house is too small and my teenage kids are up at all hours of the night.
     
    #25: “I would think the tendency to bothered by this would lessen with age, and his kids are teenagers.”
     
    Um, no. For one thing, precisely because they’re teenagers, they have a tendency to be bothered with, oh, pretty much anything. For another, I’m in my 40s and I still wouldn’t want to catch my parents in the act. I know they might still be doing it – heck, I want them to still be doing it – I just don’t want to see or hear any of it. Some things are better left unwitnessed ;)
     
    And, I totally agree with Evan, that, at 39, this man has probably had quite a number of relationships that lasted 4 months or longer, and does not feel the need to overwhelm his kids by introducing them to every new gf that comes along.

  12. 43
    Kim

    @ Selena #38 – Your advice is spot on! Good old fashioned communication…what a concept!  I was thinking the same thing and am glad you posted so eloquently.

  13. 44
    Selena

    Kim,
    Thank you. :)

  14. 45
    Meagan

    Hi Everyone

    I am that Meagan that Evan replied to. The guy that i wrote about left me after 5 months and i was heartbroken.
    I was heartbroken. I was actually distraught! He did introduce me to his friends and Family (Mother and Father). After I met them he just disappeared. He gave me no reason as to why he left or that he was leaving he just vanished!!!  I thought there was a problem with me. I lied around for months hoping he’d come back cus everything was good with us, but he never did. I saw the son with a female which I assumed was his mother. So they never do vanish without a reason.
    So to cut a long story short, I pulled myself together and saw other guys my age that didn’t want to even be without me and kept telling me they enjoyed my company and they were the ones that wanted a relationship with me. But it wasn’t what I wanted cus I wanted ME time for myself!
    During this time I had heard nothing from this guy.
    1 year had passed and he made contact with me. He now lets me sleep over and the teenage kids (16 and 21), actually sees me in the morning. He has asked me what I wanted but I responded I know what I want, as I’m leaving to work on a cruise liner for 18 months (2 contracts). I asked him what does he want and he says he knows what he wants. And it’s better that way cus then it’s not like you doing something cus the other wants it. He said he would wait for me. It still doesn’t promise anything, but I’m trying to practice what Evan says enjoy the present with him. And if he didn’t like or enjoy spending time with me, why would he come back and wait for me?
     
    Should I be asking more questions?
    I don’t also enjoy dwelling in the past everyone has life lessons to learn and have people in the meatime to learn this, I believe that time apart was for me to learn lessons and maybe to fill that age gap and for him to get closure with his past.
     
    Thanks Evan
    Meagan
     

  15. 46
    Julie

    Why is she dating a 39 year old guy. Is there a shortage of men around her own age?

    1. 46.1
      Ornello

      Julie:
      Have you met any 25-year old men lately? LOL
       

  16. 47
    kemal

    How is this possible?
    Why is she having sex with him when he has not made a commitment to her?
    My gf made me wait 5 months before having sex. She said she wont have sex unless its a serious committed relationship.

  17. 48
    Goldie

    OMG Meagan. Why did you go back to this guy after all he’d put you through? Why, why?
    You’re leaving for 18 months and won’t be available to chat or skype with him for most of that time (at least, I assume you won’t be on a cruise liner). I’d advise you to use that time to have new experiences, meet new people, learn new things about yourself, and get over him. Geez. Who disappears without a trace and then comes back a year later like nothing happened, and expects commitment? from a woman 14 years his junior, no less? Guy’s got nerve.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>