Should It Be a Dealbreaker If He Watches Transsexual Porn?

Should It Be a Dealbreaker If He Watches Transsexual Porn?

Hi Evan,

My boyfriend is great – he’s attentive, kind, generous, smart and funny. He also has a good job and his own place. The only thing is, he watches transsexual porn exclusively. As in a woman with a penis, except they don’t even do a very good job looking like women. I have talked to him about this and he says that he was very worried that he was gay at one point and still doesn’t really understand the reasons he likes this porn. Although he has reassured me he isn’t gay. I sort of understand because I occasionally watch lesbian porn.

The thing is, he was in the shed secretly watching transsexual porn when I was in the house waiting for him to come in, and I was more than willing to have sex. When I found out I almost broke up with him, not because of the porn content but because he was making me wait.

Have I forgiven too easily? He promised he wouldn’t be watching porn secretly in a shed when I am at his house (3 days a week) and making me wait to have sex. The reason he said he was in the shed was because we were ‘getting on top of each other’ since I had been at his house for a week.

Really appreciate your advice! –Lily

Yep, another transsexual porn question.

If I had a dollar for every one of these filling my inbox, I would have, well, a dollar.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks.

And while I’m very confident in the things that I know about normal dating and relationship dynamics, I’ll be the first to admit: I’m way out of my depth here. I don’t know any transsexuals, I’ve never coached any transsexuals, and I’ve never even thought about the existence of transsexual porn. Now that I have, I blame you for putting the image in my head.

But I am experienced and I am intuitive and I am hoping that what I’m about to tell you gives you strength and courage.

Get out.

I’m not saying this because I’m homophobic. Some of my best—okay, that’s not true. But I’m really not judgmental about people’s sexual preferences, as long as they have no negative impact on a partner.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks. And it’s not a particularly slippery slope to see how that might cause a problem for you down the road.
 
 
Because it’s one thing for a guy (or a woman, for that matter) to say, “Here’s my kink. I hope you can play along with it. Or at least appreciate that it’s what I fantasize about in my free time.”

It’s another thing when he’s taking your time together to indulge his kink without you.

There are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there – who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.

It’s another thing when he’s openly questioned his own sexual identity and sort of/kind of decided he might like women.

It’s another thing when his immediate reaction to a week living with girlfriend is “must retreat to transsexual porn!”

It’s just a few too many red flags for my taste.

As a dating coach, I can give you a high degree of reassurance that there are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there – who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.
 
 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Paula

    I don’t understand why anyone would choose porn over actual sex. I can understand watching porn when your partner is away and you’re bored but when they ready and willing, why waste your time and get the real thing?
     
    Reading this makes me wonder how common is it to have fetishes? I don’t really have any and I wonder if other readers are the same. Not having one in this day and age makes me feel like I’m the weirdo. I’ve only really had one boyfriend who had fetishes but that didn’t last. Sexual compatibility is very important

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    That’s a toughie.  One of my dearest friends is transexual.  Male who became female. He/she revealed to me that a mutual friend of ours had been curious since age 12 about being with  tranny.  So he/she obliged said friend. Evidently he fulfilled his curiosity as he is now married and I assume happily so.  Of course that is one example and not enough to prove/disprove anything.  I would have concerns about him questioning his sexuality.  I would not be comfortable with it myself but that is just me.  In my mind, any sexual festish is a result of objectification; I’m not sure how that promotes connection, love, relationship, etc. Yeah I read the post on how male sexuality begins with objectifying. I get that. It is what it is and can’t be changed.
     

  3. 3
    Selena

    My thought upon reading this letter was he knew Lily was inside wanting sex and was out in the shed looking at trans porn in order to get excited enough to perform. A “jump start” so to speak.
     
    The question you might ask yourself Lily, is how comfortable are YOU with someone who apparently needs/craves this kind of stimulation? I’m pretty sure it would be a turn off to me to find out the guy I was sleeping with fantasizes about chicks with dicks. Be a hard picture to get out of my head. But that ofcourse is just me.

  4. 4
    Jackie H.

    Are you kidding me?! In the words of Sweet Brown, ain’t nobody got time for that…there is enough to contend with in a relationship/marriage without adding all of this…

  5. 5
    Amy

    Enough said, Amen Evan!

  6. 6
    Katie

    I have to say, I don’t really see the massive problem here.  I see that it is annoying and hurtful to be waiting for sex while he watches porn, but wouldn’t that be the case for ANY type of porn?  Why should the fact it is transsexual porn make it different?  And what if your boyfriend is perhaps bisexual or interested in willies?  If he treats you well on the whole and usually enjoys sex with you (you’ve said he’s attentive, smart, funny, etc),if he is committed to you and does not break whatever monogamy rules you have agreed to live by, has he really done anything very wrong?  Or did he, like many men, just get a bit needing of his own space and retreated to his shed to do something vaguely illicit to regain a sense of freedom?  
    I mean if he did this kind of thing ALL the time and was disinterested in you in general, fair enough.  But if this making you wait thing was a one off, could it not just be that he hadn’t thought about how your feelings as much as he ought to have and was a bit insensitive?  Indeed, perhaps he wasn’t in the mood for sex and was trying to get excited to he could some and oblige you.  When I’m not in the mood for real sex, I quite often like to talk dirty about boobies or watch a bit of girl on girl to get me started, even though I describe myself as heterosexual.  It doesn’t mean I think less of my partners.
    Personally I’d be tempted, if he has all the good qualities you describe, to explain to him how you felt about being made to wait and how you felt a bit second best to porn, but would cut him a little slack in letting him actually watch the stuff when it doesn’t directly take from your time.  There’s no harm, if you love him, in giving him a bit more time to see if he can behave more considerately, and just because he likes to look at weird things, it doesn’t mean he’d ever DO anything about it and as long as it’s legal, what’s the fuss?  I had a boyfriend who was pretty much bisexual and it didn’t bother me in the slightest – he wouldn’t cheat on me, he was free from STDs and all it really meant was sometimes in bed we talked about gay sex and sometimes after a night out he’d watch some boy on boy.  That’s just me, obviously, but maybe this doesn’t have to be a huge deal for you if he treats you more respectfully in future.
    Is the problem here really the TYPE of porn, or is it more that he hurt your feelings by watching porn on his own when he could have been having sex with you?  (And speaking as a moody girl myself, are you sure you hadn’t nagged or sulked or sent out needy vibes earlier in the day to make him want to go to his shed in the first place?!)  
    I don’t mean to sound like I’m not sympathetic, or that I’m belittling this issue or anything, but I just wonder if there mightn’t be a different spin you could apply to this situation, or what the real route of your problem with him is.  It would seem a pity to ditch an otherwise sweet guy if that is what he is without first attempting to resolve this.  
    Good luck! xx

  7. 7
    Tom10

    When faced with predicaments like this I always like to ask myself how would I feel if the situation was reversed – so how would I feel if I found my girlfriend in a shed masturbating to images of guys with vaginas? To be honest I’d find it a tad odd but mainly amusing, however, I happen to be extremely liberal and flexible with issues like this.
     
    I agree with Selena that it’s really an issue for Lily to decide how comfortable she is with it – there is no right or wrong.

  8. 8
    Sunflower

    What’s next?  Escape hatch please!     

  9. 9
    Frimmel

    I suggest the OP and her boyfriend might want to look up pegging and have a bit of a chat.

  10. 10
    Eva

    Lily,
    I agree with Katie (#6) that your boyfriend might have felt pressured by you and retreated to his she to get some ‘space’ and perhaps get himself ready for sex with you by watching his porn.
    And I wholeheartedly agree with Frimmel (#9). I think it is entirely possible that your boyfriend is interested in anal sex – or more specifically strap-on sex (pegging) perpormed on him by a female. He may or may not be fully aware of this himself (hence he is watching porn depicting what looks like a female but endowed with a penis). I’m assuming that these transsexuals are having sex with men, NOT other transsexuals??
    He may be questioning his sexuality for this reason, since many people equate anal sex (performed on a guy) with being gay. Nothing could be further from the truth, and pegging has become increasingly popular among heterosexual couples.
    You sound like an open-minded girl (you are watching lesbian porn, after all), so why not approach this issue with your boyfriend – in an understanding manner, of course? Or you could go for the gusto, buy yourself a strap-on, and surprise him some night after a nice relaxing dinner. I bet he’d be thrilled!
    Good luck to you both!

  11. 11
    Paula

    Selena@#3. Yes that’s a good point you made about the guy maybe needing a jump start but if you are still in a young relationship (less then 5 years) and you need a jump start, then I think there is going to be problems down the line. I can understand if you’ve been married for over 15 years and maybe need a boost or something different but doing that so early in the game is a red flag. In the first few years, you should feel like you can’t keep your hands off of each other. And the OP never said whether she got some or not after he was in the shed. Was he more randy for her after watching the porn or did he jack himself off and finished himself up?

  12. 12
    SalsaQ

    @Paula 11 There is a lot we don’t know here.  Did he know she was inside waiting for him for sex, or was he just getting out of her way and having his own space for a while?

    Even if he was pleasuring himself, why is that so awful? Even within an exclusive relationship, it is foolish to train yourself to believe all of your sexual needs can only be met by your SO. Meeting them yourself from time to time is self-care.  If it becomes disruptive to a healthy relationship sex life, that is a problem, but we don’t know that here.
    What if he just wanted some down time and was going to have sex with her later? What if she only wants sex three times a week, but he wants release twice a day?

    Evan does make a good point about him questioning his sexuality. If he doesn’t understand his sexuality, he can’t be sure he will be happy in an exclusive LTR with a woman. Bisexual always meant deal breaker to me, because it is just a matter of time before fidelity is seriously challenged if I don’t have all the equipment my partner needs to be happy. Frimmel is right though;  maybe he would be 100% satisfied with pegging now and then.

    If he is putting himself and his needs before the relationship always, that is a problem, but once in a while?  That is healthy.

  13. 13
    Angie

    This is a very Psych 101 answer, but I took a psychology of sexuality class in college and we studied fetishes.  I remember the professor saying that fetishes primarily have to do with arousal (and not sexual preference), and usually are based on some actual real event. (The shoe fetish being the obvious one, maybe a young boy became aroused by a sexy shoe and used it in early masturbation fantasies, and now he’s grown up and it’s a fetish… Would you be weirded out if your bf had a shoe fetish?). 
     
    Granted, I am not an expert in this. Has your boyfriend considered talking to a therapist (some specialize in sex!), not necessarily to “cure” himself (and I wouldn’t pitch it that way) but perhaps to understand himself?  I’m sure there are even books about fetishes.  He’d probably feel less awkward or confused about his sexual identity if he understood his fascination/fetish w/ tranny porn.
     
    Either way, it’s probably better for both of you if you understood why you’re boyfriend does what he does, and understanding it may diminish the bother in you.  The only thing that might occur if I was in your shoes is that I would likely be less attracted to him.   I don’t know, I don’t really think anyone on this forum is probably equipped to advise you.  (You probably have, but Googling “fetishes” and “dating someone with a fetish”, etc, will probably give you better info than a bunch of people on a dating site :-P)

  14. 14
    Selena

    @Paula #11
     
    Paula, sometimes people who have a kink have managed to train their bodies to respond mainly, or only to certain stimulae. Has nothing to do with how new or ‘old’ a relationship is. Since Lily wrote her bf looks at tranny porn exclusively, and he was looking at it secretly (?) while she was waiting for sex, the conclusion I drew was that he may have needed it to rev himself up for her. Many people have little things they do or think about to get themselves in mood.
     
    Lily says she doesn’t have a problem with him looking at porn or the content of said porn. She said she almost broke up with him because he made her wait. I think being willing to break up with someone because they made you wait for sex one time is extreme. Like someone looking for a reason to break it off. He tells her he won’t do it again on the 3 nights a week she comes over for sex. Why not take him at his word? Sounds like problem solved to me, yet Lily feels compelled to write a dating coach and ask his opinion on if she “forgave him too easily”. Forgave him to easily for what? Making her wait for sex one time? Sheesh.
     
    If  Lily really doesn’t care about the porn content, taken at face value her letter comes across as rather demanding and controlling. Perhaps she is a bit inexperienced with romantic relationships. Or a bit immature.  In which case his explanation for going into his shed because he felt they “were on top of each other” makes perfect sense. She was getting on his nerves, he needed some space, and he indulged in an activity that was pleasurable to him to ease his tension. If she thinks that’s worth breaking up over, not forgiving too easily, then I’d say she might as well go ahead a do it. Either that or learn a relationship isn’t all about me, me, me.
     
     

  15. 15
    Frimmel

    Evan it occurs to me, in looking at this again this morning, that your inbox is probably filled with these sorts of questions, “My boyfriend is great but he’s doing _insert thing she doesn’t like_ and it upsets me. Should I break up with him?”
     
    Eva, thanks for seeing what was behind my suggestion.
     

  16. 16
    Frimmel

    Oh… and I agree with Selena in #14, “her letter comes across as rather demanding and controlling. Perhaps she is a bit inexperienced with romantic relationships. Or a bit immature.  In which case his explanation for going into his shed because he felt they “were on top of each other” makes perfect sense. She was getting on his nerves, he needed some space” 
     
    Which again wouldn’t make this a particularly unique letter or subject for this blog either.
     

  17. 17
    Selena

    @Frimmel
     
    Yes, discussing the transsexual angle is more interesting than what Lily claims her issue is. Your new boyfriend made you wait for sex once? What a jerk. Don’t forgive him too easily!!! (Selena shakes head with rueful smile.) :)

  18. 18
    Tracy

    I’m sorry for the uncertainty and stress this couple is dealing with, and I don’t mean to minimize it in any way….but that was the funniest damn response I have ever heard to a dating dilemma! I nearly spit my coffee on my computer screen! Who knew Evan was so funny?! :D

  19. 19
    Joe

    And maybe the LW should try to limit the periods she spends at the BF’s house to a few days at a time?

  20. 20
    Karl T

    I still can’t get over the fact that he watches porn in the shed!!!  Of all places!!! That made me laugh hysterically!!!! 

  21. 21
    Elise

    RUN! Find another guy! Don’t waste your time, much less your life.
    I was married to a man who had sexual issues and fetishes.
    After 15 years of an unsatisfying marriage, I found a similar tape.
    Everything fell into place. All the dieting, plastic surgery and beautiful
    clothes in the world were not going to satisfy my husband. You’re
    advise is right on Evan. I lived it and wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

  22. 22
    Karl T

    Elise #21,
    Do your ever watch lesbian porn like the OP has stated that she sometimes does?  If not then giving her your opinion on what you would do may be totally not relevant since perhaps she shares some more taboo sexual desires herself that you would never even consider.  Always consider the position of the person asking the question when giving advice.  Don’t just tell what you would do.  It could be apples and oranges.  Maybe the OP has other sexual fetishes as well.  Did you ever consider that?

  23. 23
    Mike Hertz

    I’m totally with you on this one. If he’s into chicks with dicks, it should be just one of the fantasies that hopefully he can talk it out with his partner and include her in it. Otherwise, it aint no different than cheating.

  24. 24
    Sarah

    I always find it helpful to think about what yuo would tell a friend if they were in the same predicament? Would you tell them to leave him or talk to him? We also don’t know how long you’ve been together?

  25. 25
    Leesa

    before i went through hell with a sociopath for one long painful year and took 2 years to get over it, i guess i could see how this women could be blind to the red flags. i look back at how i couldn’t see red flags clearly because i was emotionally attached to a person. but now, when i read things like what this girl said above, for the life of me, i just feel sorry for the fact that she does not know within herself that she should have bolted as soon as she discovered this issue. that she would compromise her own sanity and spiritual wellbeing for the sake of “love” and being understanding and supportive. like evan says in his book: women have got to know their worth. crazy people make you crazy.  even if that guy was the last guy on earth, i wouldn’t go near him to save myself. i also wanted to say that evan is soooo funny. if i had a dollar for every time he made me laugh, i’d be rich now.

  26. 26
    Jen

    Evan! Your response made my night. Thank you so much for this. Seriously LMAO. :-)

  27. 27
    breezy

    First, let me just say that I’m always impressed by the high quality of the comments on this blog, including not only the terrific and wide-ranging insights, but also the genuine sincerity that respondents display.  I’ll try to meet that high standard.  :)
    Just a few observations:
    1.  I see several issues for this couple besides the guy’s use of transsexual porn.  One is that they have differing desires/tolerance levels for  togetherness,  meaning they may have different visions of what a relationship should be.  
    Another issue is lack of communication: rather than retreat to the shed without explanation, why didn’t the boyfriend simply tell her that he was feeling a bit overwhelmed by being in such close proximity for such an extended (at least for them) period of time, and that he therefore needed a couple hours of “alone time”?   Wouldn’t that have been a healthier/less dysfunctional way to handle it?  Whether it’s because he’s uncomfortable directly stating his needs, or because she makes it difficult to do so, or  some combination of both, to me that suggests another issue: this couple could use some work on healthy communication skills.  (Which, by the way, is not to say these types of conversations are easy to have–for me anyway, it’s a skill I’m still learning and practicing.)   Of course, this also assumes that needing some “alone time” is in fact his real issue (as he claimed), and not just a cover for whatever is actually going on. 
    Moreover, all of this is a different (though not necessarily unrelated) issue from the fact that he chooses to spend his “alone” time watching porn.  Which in turn, is a separate (but again, not unrelated) issue from the fact that the only type of porn he chooses to watch is transsexual.  If the original letter-writer wants to stay in the relationship, that’s a lot of issues to sort out.
    2.  I realize we don’t know if the original letter-writer’s boyfriend has avoided sex with her at other times.  But in my personal experience (female in heterosexual relationships), when a guy repeatedly turns down sex as a couple, it has ALWAYS turned out not to be about sex at all but about some other underlying issue–sex was just the vehicle for expressing the real problem. For example, one boyfriend was very laid-back whereas I am more outgoing.  We broke up but remained on good terms, and a few weeks later, we had a lengthy conversation to process the breakup (perform the autopsy? haha) and try to learn from it.  During the course of that conversation, my ex-boyfriend realized that he’d actually felt overwhelmed at times in our relationship, and that rejecting sex with me was his subconscious way of reasserting the balance of power, even though at the time he wasn’t consciously aware that was the real issue.  In other words, neither of us realized what was actually going on except in hindsight.  And I think the same is often true when women reject sex w/their partner–it’s just a substitute (a sexual surrogate?  sorry, bad pun) for dealing with whatever is the real underlying issue between them.
    3.  Related to 2, I think that sex and power are inextricably related.  But I also think power is a major factor is all types of relationships, not just romantic/sexual ones, and that examining the underlining power dynamic is often tremendously helpful in resolving conflicts and improving all kinds of relationships.
    4.  Re Karl T.#22 about Elise #21:  You often leave very insightful comments on this blog, but I think your response to Elise #21 was off-base.  You’re right that it can be valuable to consider the recipient’s perspective when giving advice.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not valuable when someone references only his/her own personal experience.  After all, not everyone is comfortable dispensing advice beyond just describing how they themselves dealt (or would deal)with a similar situation.  And personally, I find those comments are often the most compelling precisely because they are from someone who actually LIVED what he/she is commenting about.  I also think people understand that an autobiographical comment like Elise’s is just one more useful piece of info to put in the hopper and consider as they make their own decision about what to do.
     

  28. 28
    Karl T

    Leesa #25,
    Your opinions and advice are your own prerogative.  Probably this guy is not right for this girl based on her explanation.  Even though she actually doesn’t sound so shocked like some commenters are and also that the OP does like some lesbian porn.  Should we assume she might like women and should not be with a man??  Possibly, but not enough info. 
    I find it very shocking how you chastize this guy as if he is some dispicable character just because he likes tranny porn.  You actually state “even if that guy was the last guy on earth, i wouldn’t go near him to save myself”.  Really??  So if you were dying of thirst and this guy had a canteen of water you would not even approach him because he is dispicable to you?  Your comments come off as homo-phobic, anti-gay, and almost Nazi-like to me.  The guy might not be right for this girl, but he still sounds like a decent human being to me than to deserve comments like that.  From the OP’s description he sounds like a really great guy, but probably just not compatible sexually.  Your comments are disgusting to me.

  29. 29
    breezy

    Oops–in my second-to-last paragraph (section 3, about sex and power), the last sentence should say “…examining the underlying power dynamic…”  [instead of "underlining"--LOL].

  30. 30
    Tracy

    Wait…what? Who is the dating coach here? Oh yeah..it’s Evan! Breezy…seriously…you may need to lighten up just a teeny bit! LOL Find your feminine side girl! It seems a lot of people on this thread are really over-thinking this thing. It’s really pretty simple… If it makes you go eww…you must not pursue.  …period. 

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