Should I Let My Boyfriend Be Friends With His Ex?

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Evan Marc Katz

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Should I Let My Boyfriend Be Friends With His Ex?

I want to know where you stand on the whole “staying friends with your ex” thing. Recently I moved to the country/ town where my boyfriend lives, after a few months of long-distance relationship with visits intermittent. Things had been great between us. Of course it’s early days. We’ve both been loving, attentive, kind and considerate. Two things happened when I got here, however, which have me thinking. I don’t know if they’re related.

First, when I arrived I was very ill with a horrible cold. My boyfriend was also sick (with food poisoning) but he avoided me physically. No hugging, kissing… He explained it was because he didn’t want to get sick again in the last few days before his work ended before vacation. I was hurt but understood. I had thought he’d lost interest but took what he said and accepted it. Second, a few days ago while he was on skype with his dad, a text-message came to him on the phone. Yes, I made the mistake of looking at it! We hadn’t been private about these things in the past at all. The text was from his ex-girlfriend arranging to meet him for lunch on Friday. I made the additional mistake of scrolling back and then realised they’d been talking while I was making him dinner. He had gone outside to speak privately, and I had a hunch it was something untoward.

Well, I wrote a note saying “I’m sorry I invaded your privacy. When the text came I thought it might have been important. Your ex-girlfriend wasn’t to meet you for lunch on Friday.” I was very tired and just went up to bed. He came up soon after and we talked. He defended being friends with her (they dated for about two years) saying she helped him during a very difficult time in his life and so on. I told him I didn’t think it was appropriate. Also, I pointed out his tendency to keep his relations with her private. Once in the past, he had received a text from her and he turned over the phone so I wouldn’t notice. I made no comment at that time…

I think it is unacceptable for him to be meeting her, texting and talking with her when he is four months into a new relationship. What do you think? He said he’s not attracted to her and so on, but I just don’t like the idea of him hanging out with her, what if he invites her over for dinner, etc? By the way, I do trust my boyfriend, but I find it almost an insult to me, or to our relationship, that he would still be in touch with her. Please answer my question, I’d love to know what you think. Thanks, Emily

Dear Emily,

Yeah, you probably asked the wrong guy.

I think you are particularly sensitive to your own needs and feelings and somewhat clueless about the needs and feelings of your boyfriend. So let’s get this straight:

Your boyfriend has only lost interest if he shows no affection when you’re both healthy, not when you’re both sick.

While it may not feel good to have your boyfriend keep his distance when you had a horrible cold, you have to admit, it’s pretty practical, isn’t it? My wife travels for a living and I can recall at least two times when she wouldn’t kiss her sick husband because it might jeopardize her health before a trip. How selfish would it be for my need for affection to outweigh my wife’s need to stay healthy? How insecure would I have to be to think that my wife’s act of self-preservation was somehow an insult to me?

This is paranoid thinking and it serves you no practical purpose. Your boyfriend has only lost interest in you if he shows no affection when you’re both healthy, not when you’re both sick. Cut him some slack, will ya?

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171 Comments »Filed Under Understanding Men

171 Responses to “Should I Let My Boyfriend Be Friends With His Ex?”

E. Foley 1

Yes, yes, yes!!
I really don’t understand why some women are so afraid that their boyfriends are going to go running back to their exes. Evan is absolutely right to say that there are REASONS why they broke up. There are reasons why they can’t be together romantically. And obviously, there are reasons why he chose you as a romantic partner.
I’m friends with nearly all of my exes. Do I want to get back with them romantically? Heck no. But I definitely want to stay in touch because I care about them in the same way I care about my other friends.
Just because your boyfriend’s friend happens to own ladyparts doesn’t mean he wants to leave you for her.
Joe 2

Spot on. If you complain to a guy about remaining friends with his exes, you are destined to join them…except possibly without the friendship.
Ruby 3

I used to be completely in favor of boyfriends being friends with exes. Unfortunately, this always seemed to cause problems. I’ve had boyfriends who really weren’t over their exes, bfs who got back together with their exes, exes who weren’t over my bf. I think it’s good if the person I’m dating is on civil terms with his ex, but I don’t think that committed couples have friendships with an ex that exclude the current partner. Four months is really fast to move to a new country for someone (too fast, IMO), let alone a new town, and Emily probably doesn’t know anyone else and feels vulnerable. How about asking her to join him and the ex for lunch? If he is open about the friendship, rather than appearing secretive, the ex won’t seem so threatening.
Steve 4

Emily;

Like most men I had a mother and I do not appreciate another adult telling me who I can be friends with. I also don’t appreciate people looking through my private things. Either act would make me strongly consider moving on from a woman, especially if the relationship is new.

Should a man be aware of and consider his GF’s feeling in such matters. Yes. However, like Evan wrote, either you trust him or you get out of the relationship.

Is it a red flag that he is contacting his ex GF in private and not out in the open? Possibly. Keep your eyes open.
Diana 5

Trust is something that is earned. When it comes to the sensitive issue of staying in contact with ex’s, I think it’s important to be open with your new partner, and this means disclosure up front. A simple, “Hey, I’m on good terms with my ex, and we still get together for lunch once in a while” is different from your new partner finding out after the fact. I can see where this might raise suspicion. Hopefully, the other person is secure enough in themselves and in the relationship (assuming it’s a good one) to be understanding and accepting about it. And vice verse, too; that an unfortunate assumption isn’t made that the other person won’t be alright with it.

I’m not saying this guy needs Emily’s permission or anything. But it’s important to be considerate and courteous to their new relationship, too. And Emily, it’s total appropriate, provided it’s on the table.
Evan Marc Katz 6

@Diana “Trust is something that is earned.”

No, no, no, no, no. You’ve got it all backwards.

Trust should be assumed. It’s not my job to “earn” trust with you because your ex-boyfriend cheated on you.

Until there’s proof otherwise, you should assume that your boyfriend is trustworthy.

Truth is, it’s impossible to “prove” that you’re trustworthy to someone who is jealous and assumes the worst.
Cat 7

“what if he invites her over for dinner?”

Well, it sounds like you cook, so make an amazing dinner, be a gracious hostess, and show you aren’t jealous in the least! You’re new to the country, so I bet you haven’t made too many friends yet, nor do you know how many mutual friends they may still share. It’s always better to make a friend than an enemy… Living in a new country/town + living with someone new is a huge transition, and that’s probably making you more insecure than normal and reading into things that wouldn’t bother you once you settle in.

Also, I’ve had food poisoning. Twice. You definitely aren’t in the mood for holding hands, much less “sexy time” It’s more like, “baby, hand me the bucket! Now!”
Diana 8

Well said, Ruby #3.
Shalini 9

This girl sounds completely irrational.. She shows all the signs that she does not trust his boyfriend ad then also defends herself by saying… “but i do trust him”!!
Its completely normal to be friends with your exes if they were good, caring people and if you let go of your anger.. And there are are lots of cases where people don’t start a relationship with their ex again if they are friends.
E. Foley 10

Another thing… about not sharing germs…
My boyfriend and I have an agreement that whenever one of us is sick, the other person sleeps on the futon. It’s helped us avoid sharing colds many, many times. Also, we both sleep better.
Diana 11

Evan, I agree with your comment. I didn’t mean to imply that he had to earn her trust. I always assume a person is trustworthy, until proven otherwise. There’s really no other practical way to be, and have a healthy relationship. No one wants to start out in a new relationship with the other person instantly distrusting them for no real reason other than their own issues, myself included.

I think my comment may have been misplaced. From the moment I begin to interact and/or communicate with someone, I am simultaneously assuming they’re worthy of my trust, while their actions are also earning my trust.
Eathan 12

Well said Evan. Usually complaining about the ex is because of insecurity. I have plenty of ex’s that I’m friends with. We realize that we’re great friends and awful mates.
Sally 13

Bravo, Evan.

The writer lost me at should I “LET” my boyfriend…
My ex- husband is now my ex because he thought it was his decision what he would and would not ‘let” me do. Guess again.
Emily, these are totally your issues. Lose them.
CMonster 14

@EMK “Trust should be assumed. It’s not my job to “earn” trust with you because your ex-boyfriend cheated on you.”
There are few worse things in a relationship than paying for the sins of your brothers.
While I understand Emily’s concern about her guy’s somewhat shadowy actions, I can’t help but wonder if he was certain that there would be an uncomfortable exchange with Emily if she found out.
Debra 15

I disagree with all of you…Obviously a man who hides and has conversations behind her back is not trustworthy…Who makes lunch dates with a woman…ex girlfriend or not…How would he feel if the roles were reversed…Trust is the foundation to a relationship…and people who sneak around do it for a reason…His actions are not those of a trustworthy committed man.
InaccessibleRail 16

What I want to know is this: If the boyfriend’s relationship with his ex is on the level, what’s he got to hide? It’s the difference between walking out of the office supply closet with a box of pens, and slinking out of the office supply closet with a bulging purse and a dodgy gaze. Sure, that purse might be full of allergy medication, romance novels and a sandwich for lunch, but what are the coworkers automatically going to think?
I think he has the right to be friends with whomever he wants, but his behavior IS suspicious (not the getting sick part, I think that’s normal, but the hiding things business). It’s Emily’s job as his girlfriend to give him the benefit of the doubt until she is presented with actual, concrete, irrefutable evidence that he’s running around–but he’s not making this job any easier for her.
Zann 17

My theory is that if you go looking for trouble, you’ll find it. I’ve certainly had my share of insecurity in the past, but I know that nothing good ever comes from distrusting someone to the point that you invade their privacy and go snooping around where you shouldn’t. Or start suspiciously questioning his every move when you’re not around. You know that saying, “Fake it until you can make it”? If you’re struggling with the bear of insecurity, act as if you’ve risen above it. When I do this, I feel so much better about myself. And when I feel good about myself, I’m such a better mate. Always assume the best of people until they prove you shouldn’t. If they wind up betraying your trust, then you will deal with it. If it’s a deal-breaker, you’ll move on. You haven’t “been had,” you’ve simply had a relationship with someone who wasn’t right for you.

People handle ex’s in different ways. If a guy wants me to meet his ex, I consider it an absolute compliment. But if he doesn’t, I don’t consider it “proof” that he’s not over her or doesn’t want her to know about me. He may just not be ready to involve me in that part of his life. Assume he’ll get there until he tells you something blatant, like, “I’m still in love with my ex and it’s affecting our relationship.” Otherwise, an ex is just another facet of your mate’s history, and we’ve all got history.
Christie Hartman 18

I agree with you, Evan, but not completely. Yes, people should be allowed to be friends with their exes. Trust is necessary for a healthy relationship, but it works both ways. If his relationship with his ex is innocent, then why is he hiding it? Why doesn’t he prove himself trustworthy and tell his girlfriend what’s up? A wise male friend of mine told his new girlfriend, up front, that he was good friends with his ex-wife and that wasn’t going to change. He did not tiptoe around and text the ex behind his girlfriend’s back. In my relationship, when I have lunch with an ex or a male friend, I let my boyfriend in on it, so he has no reason to wonder. I make introductions. It’s like saying, hey, if I keep you informed, you give me freedom to be friends with who I want.

And, the truth is, some men cheat with their exes, go back with their exes, or have inappropriate boundaries with their exes. To ignore any potential red flags isn’t wise.

@E. Foley (10) – great idea with the futon!
Bill 19

All these comments people forgot to asked what if things were turned around. How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that your not allowed to see your ex boyfriend that you had a two year relationship with and etc. People seem to forget what if the situation was turn around.
Luxe 20

I think when your boyfriend is friends with his ex’s it’s a good sign of character. To tell someone not to be friends with their ex is going to cause you problems. No one wants to have to chose between a girlfriend and their friend, especially if that friend has done nothing wrong.

I have to say though, that if the boyfriend is really hiding his friendship with his ex from his girlfriend, that is cause for suspicion. I don’t believe in spying on your boyfriend. But I kind of don’t blame her at the same time if he’s acting like he is hiding something. If he truly has no feelings for his ex and they are just friends, he needs to stop hiding it. Be up front with their friendship and if he is going to go out to lunch with her, then tell his girlfriend. I think to really help secure her trust with her boyfriend, she would meet the ex. If he acts normal, then you have your answer. Trust him fully and stop with the paranoia. If he acts weird, then well.. then there may or may not be a problem there.
Evan Marc Katz 21

The reason a trustworthy man would hide his relationship with his ex is because his jealous girlfriend doesn’t trust him talking to his ex. Essentially, she’s giving him two choices: “Cut her off!” or “Lie to me”. The third choice is for him to tell his girlfriend to calm down and deal with it…and we know how well that line works…
Honey 22

This is interesting to me because Jake has a “clean break” rule and doesn’t talk to anyone that he used to call a girlfriend. Some casual friends that he slept with once or twice in college but never dated (and are therefore no one to be jealous of), yes. Any past “significant other,” no.
I do keep in touch with mine on FB but since I don’t live in the same town with any of my exes seeing them in person just would never happen anyway. Jake doesn’t do social networking sites so it’s a moot point there (he quit using MySpace almost immediately after meeting me on there and doesn’t have a FB account).
Selena 23

As someone who has been cheated on by a partner with his ex – more than once – I’m with Chrisitie Hartman #18. When people are really “just friends” with an ex they are willing to bring their new love into the friendship. If they are sneaky about/ hide the friendship? You BET that is a red flag.

Sorry Evan, but I don’t believe many trustworthy men hide their friendships with ex’s from their current girlfriends. It’s the hiding and sneaking that are more apt to invoke jealousy rather than the fact the man had a previous relationship.
angie 24

So it boils down to a chicken or egg argument? Which came first, the girlfriend being suspicious of the boyfriend BECAUSE he is sneaking around and hiding a supposedly innocent relationship from her, or the boyfriend sneaking around and hiding what truly is an innocent relationship because his girlfriend is ALWAYS acting suspicious?

Evan — you argue that if she doesn’t trust him, she should leave. Fair enough. I would also argue that if HE doesn’t trust her enough to be open about his relationships, then he should leave. He is proving that he doesn’t trust her with the truth. Both are big red flags.
Evan Marc Katz 25

Sorry, everybody. This guy isn’t sneaking around or hiding anything. He’s protecting his overbearing girlfriend from flipping out on him for being friends with his ex. He is innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent. Plus, there’s a reason this guy broke up with his ex – as such, she’s far LESS of a threat than a woman he hasn’t dated before.

As a trustworthy man with lots of exes, there’s no reasoning with a jealous woman who is checking your cellphone and sees potential infidelity in lunch with an ex.

Just because you’ve been cheated on before doesn’t mean that THIS guy has done anything wrong.

Only thing he’s done wrong is to choose a jealous girlfriend who doesn’t understand that men and women can be friends once the sexual tension is gone.
amy 26

But why should people be friends with their exes in the first place? forget cheating with a past ex, but why should you have to befriend a woman that used to be your boyfriend’s girlfriend, wife?
Evan are you friends with your wife’s ex-husband?
My boyfriend and I went to his ex-wife’s for dinner because I was trying to be a good sport, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I told my boyfriend if he wants he could be friends with her, but I wasn’t interested. (Maybe if I’d liked her more I would have but I doubt it).
Diana 27

Angie #24, thanks for writing what crossed my mind, too; re: the chicken or the egg analysis. There’s no clear indication which came first, and as I tried to point out earlier, there has to be trust both ways.
Evan Marc Katz 28

I’m not friends with my wife’s ex-husband, but then, she doesn’t speak to him much (although she did call him today). My wife is, however, friendly with my ex-girlfriend, who will be attending our party this Saturday. If you’re secure in your relationship, none of this crap matters. If you’re insecure, everything matters, even things that shouldn’t.
Christie Hartman 29

Based on what Emily said, this guy, up until she confronted him, was hiding his relationship with his ex. Is that proof he’s untrustworthy? No. But it raises a red flag, like many here have suggested. Perhaps he’s a good guy who feels uncomfortable admitting it because he’s afraid she’ll get angry. Or, perhaps he’s a guy who is still a bit hung up on his ex in some way (I see no evidence that he dumped her – she could have dumped him). Is Emily’s insistence that he not be friends with his ex unreasonable? Yes. But I don’t think there is proof, based on what she wrote, that her unreasonable stance caused him to hide things. As Angie (24) said, we really don’t know the whole story.
Steve 30

there’s no reasoning with a jealous woman who is checking your cellphone and sees potential infidelity in lunch with an ex.

Just like a woman who doesn’t trust her BF should get out of the relationship, a guy who is having his GF spy on him and violate is privacy should get out. Snooping is unethical.
Matija 31

Yeah, I really don’t see what the big deal is. So he’s seeing his ex girlfriend for lunch. Does that really equal cheating now? I mean even if you feel a bit insecure about it why on earth would you go on and tell him that? He sure won’t admire you more because of it.
I’ve always tried to stay friends with my ex girlfriends. And one time I even broke up with my new girlfriend over my ex. And no, not because I cheated and wanted to go back to my ex, but because I felt I couldn’t be in a relationship where my girlfriend won’t “allow” me to see my ex or is making a big fuss over it.
When I was 15 it was unimaginable to be friends with my ex (or date someone who is), but now, it’s unimaginable not to.
His ex and him shared a life at some point, does the fact that you’re with him now really erase his past??
Selena 32

The poster Emily apparently does not believe people should remain friends with their ex’s. That’s her problem and since this fellow IS friendly with an ex, she’s just going to have to accept it, or move on. If the man finds her too jealous/insecure what is HE doing with her?

Speaking generally, people with nothing to hide don’t hide anything. Sneaking around to see, hiding communicate with an ex isn’t justifiable because the new love is jealous and/or insecure. The way to make someone less jealous/insecure is to be open. If they can’t handle it, they are not the one for you.

As a trustworthy man with lot’s of ex’s Evan, how long did those jealous, “checker” new girlfriends last with you? How long did you *hide* communications with ex’s before you decided it was a ridiculous thing to be doing?
Terri H 33

Evan – you continue to amaze and educate me…thanks! this was an excellent insightful articulate response as always. For some reason your verdict surprised me but it also made perfect sense.
Emily, I sympathise with you….you’ve been sick, youre in a new town with no support network, and your general overall wellbeing is probably completely out of kilter. Like you, I suffer horribly from self esteem issues in any new relationship and often panic and assume the worse…something I’m constantly trying to learn to overcome and change my thinking. One excellent piece of advice I was given once…when these thoughts start affecting you, take a minute – sit down – and BREATHE. Remind yourself these are just thoughts…nothing else!
Not sure what Evan would think of this, but to salvage the situation and take a step in a different direction is it worth saying those special 3 magic words to your new boyfriend – ” I am sorry”.
The comments to this blog that really rang true were that you need to get your boyfriend into a space where he feels comfortable telling you anything without fear of your reaction.
Have boundaries but practice understanding.

lots of luck (and p.s. – go out and make some new friends! book clubs . yoga classes…all that good stuff)
Aciana 34

Oh baloney Evan #21. “the reason is….”
If he is hiding it from her it isn’t necessarily because of HER.
And Evan #25, man you assume a lot unless you posted only a portion of her letter! She sounds vulnerable with her move to a new place close to him, he sounds sneaky in not being up front with the text messaging in the first place and they BOTH need to get a grip. He needs to be open and up front about his relationship with his ex (which he doesn’t seem to be doing) and she needs to be up front about why it bothered her enough to read his texts. They BOTH need some real communication or she may as well pack up and move back home.
Geez. If your partner is acting sneaky that is a huge red flag! Communication should be open honest and real.
Let’s all tune into channel W I S E and remember it is all about trust.
Goldie 35

This is a very encouraging thread. When I first started dating this year, I’ve had people tell me that to be friends with one’s exes is bad form; that, once you’ve slept with the person, there’s only two ways your relationship can go: to a marriage/LTR, or into oblivion; that, once you’re no longer seeing each other, you’re expected to cut off contact and that to do otherwise is borderline cheating. I was told in these same words as Amy said in #26, “why would you want to be friends with your exes anyway?” and I didn’t even know what to say to that! It made very little sense to me – maybe fifty years ago, when people married their first serious BF/GF at the ripe old age of 18-20 and hardly ever divorced, the ex was a rare beast and, in the unlikely case you had one, it was possible to cut them out of your life – but things are so different in this century. The way I see it, you’ll end up eliminating a lot of friends/business connections from your life if you cut off contact with your every ex. I am so relieved to hear that that staying friends actually works for a lot of people in real life. Thanks
Goldie 36

I’ve got to say this, though:

EMK #25: “Plus, there’s a reason this guy broke up with his ex – as such, she’s far LESS of a threat than a woman he hasn’t dated before.”

Well, what if she was the one that broke it off, he didn’t want her to leave then, and still wants her back know? These things do happen
Joe 37

How much would you complainers like to bet that the letter-writer has previously behaved with insecurity towards one of her BF’s exes, and that is why he shields her from his contact with the ex?

As far as why people should be friends with their exes in the first place, this person was your boyFRIEND or girlFRIEND. Just because they are no longer the “boy” or “girl” part doesn’t mean they should no longer be the “friend” part.
Evan Marc Katz 38

@Aciana “If your partner is acting sneaky that is a huge red flag!” And who is acting sneakier? The person who invades someone else’s cell phone or the person who maintains normal relations with an ex? There’s a big difference between being “sneaky” as you accuse him of, and not being allowed to mention his ex for fear of the irrational recrimination that we saw in the original poster’s email.

Years ago, I had a girlfriend who told me that if I ever cheated on her, she’d dump me instantly, whether it was a kiss, a one-night stand or a love affair. I told her I wasn’t planning on cheating on her, but if I ever did, I could assure here I wouldn’t tell her about it. She got STEAMING mad at me. “Why wouldn’t you tell me? Don’t you have any honesty? Integrity? I would expect you to be a man about it!”

I told her that – in this hypothetical situation, it made absolutely no sense to confess to infidelity, because the punishment was already pre-determined. I was getting dumped. And if I hypothetically got drunk and made a mistake and immediately regretted it and swore to my guilty self never to do it again, how would I benefit from telling the truth? I wouldn’t. I would be toast. Her lack of understanding DICTATED my response.

It’s so easy for you to talk about people who lie as if they’re another species. Get off your high horse. You lie, too. Except you justify it. “I didn’t want to hurt him”, “I didn’t think it was necessary to disclose that to her”. People lie out of either self-preservation (“No, honey, I’ve never cheated on you. Our relationship means everything to me”) or they lie to protect others (“No, honey, I’m not talking to my ex-girlfriend.”)

But understand, the lie comes directly out of the OTHER persons’ ability to handle the TRUTH. You probably have some girlfriend who you can say, “Yeah, that outfit makes you look fat”. You probably have many more to whom you could NOT say that. Are you a worse person for protecting the insecure girl from her own insecurities? I’ll bet you don’t think so. I’ll bet you think you’re just sensitive to her feelings.

So instead of jumping all over this guy who is loyal to an ex who was with him through tough times, look in the mirror and pay attention to all the lies you tell on a day-to-day basis. And realize that you’re not pure honesty and integrity – you react to each individual differently. And if that means a little white lie (“Yes, honey, I came twice. You were amazing) to keep the peace, I’m sure you’re as guilty as the boyfriend mentioned above.

As for me, I have a wife who CAN deal with honesty, so she GETS honesty. Honestly, she wasn’t who I thought I was looking for. Honestly, I see women every weekend I’d sleep with. Etc, etc. But because my wife doesn’t judge me for my honesty, she gets all of me. She knows when I talk to my ex. She knows when I have a crush on someone at a party. She knows EVERYTHING and allows me to be myself around her.

And THAT’s why I keep her. That’s why I would NEVER cheat on her. Because to cheat on her would be to go back to a world of women who freak out about every perceived slight as if it’s a mark of infidelity. Thinking thoughts and acting on them are two VERY different things. As a woman, you can’t be the thought police. You can only trust and let him be himself.

Stop judging men for your own fears and insecurities and watch how well they respond. I’m telling you: It’s nothing short of miraculous.
Diana 39

It’s also possible that he didn’t lay everything on the table before she found out, because he’s tried that before and previous girlfriends freaked out. Maybe he didn’t want to get burned again, but then he wouldn’t be trusting his new girlfriend and painting her with the same brush which isn’t good either.

But yeah, Goldie #36, who’s to say she didn’t break up with him. I love reading these letters and everyone’s responses, but there is often way too much unknown information which leads to assumptions, etc.

I applaud Evan for all of his valiant efforts and sage advice.
starthrower68 40

Wow, bad behavior on both sides. It doesn’t matter whom acted first and did what, they both just need to part company. I don’t see this as being a fixable situation, as both parties are rooted to their positions. They’re just going to waste time being at an impasse and resentment will build.
Diane 41

I dated a man for five months – everything was great. A few weeks ago, he got a call on his cell phone and for the first time walked (read: ran) away from me to take the call. I had a weird feeling about it but decided I trusted him and let that feeling go. One day later he was behaving miserably. He told me the phone call was from his ex that he is still in love with even though he hasn’t seen her in five years and she is married. He then told me she calls every three months or so to tell him not to be with anyone and that they are going to be together when she gets divorced. He was hoping I would be able to steal his heart and break her spell – that’s why he didn’t tell me. Well guess what? You can’t steal something that isn’t available. I trusted and I got burned bad. If a guy is not honest and open about it, forget it. As far as I’m concerned, sneaking around or not disclosing information is a lie. So do I think this girl’s boyfriend sneaking around is a red flag? DEFINITELY.
Ruby 42

What does “he avoided me physically” mean? I understand not kissing or hugging when both are ill, but how about a caress or hand-holding? And then you wash your hands! Also, I’m not sure I’d believe Emily when she said she thought the text might be something “important”. She should just own up to the fact that she wanted to snoop!

I think it’s much easier to be friends with an ex when either you or the ex (preferably both) are in solid, committed relationships. EMK writes about being friends with several ex’s, and how understanding his wife is, but he’s happily married, so he and his wife both feel secure.

This relationship is still very new, and Emily’s already made a big move to be with her boyfriend in an unfamiliar country. So there are still lots of things that are undefined in this relationship, and I don’t think they can possibly know each other all that well after only 4 months together in a relationship that was long-distance with only “intermittent” visits to boot. IMO, her boyfriend should be doing everything he can to make this transition as easy as possible for both of them, and that includes not being secretive about his current friendships, and making Emily as much a part of his world as possible. And Emily and her boyfriend both need to practice a bit of impulse control, for sure! Why the big rush to move in together so quickly?

And I, for one, have been trusting and non-judgmental with men, and I’ve STILL gotten burned. Being trusting doesn’t stop an untrustworthy person from taking advantage of you, sorry. EMK, I received an email from you recently talking telling me to “believe the negatives and ignore the positives”. How does this jibe with your advice to stop judging men for your own fears and insecurities? How do you know when you are being insecure and when you are believing the negatives?
Molly@Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce 43

There are a lot of good comments here and this is certainly an important topic. I agree with Evan’s take on this.
Nothing is sexier than confidence. The best way to have a good relationship with someone else is to have a good relationship with ourselves. If we are constantly worried about not repeating past hurts, then we are just looking to be hurt.
Trusting your partner will not only strengthen your relationship but it will also make you feel better. You can’t be happy when you are constantly second-guessing someone else.
Happiness is an inside job. Focus on making yourself happy instead of trying to control your partner to make you happy.
I agree with Evan about the miracle of trust. What we focus on expands. If you love and appreciate your partner, that is what will grow in your relationship.
Dawn Quow 44

Trust does not come automatically. Its something that has to be built, brick by brick. Sadly they have both started off on the wrong foot, she by violating his privacy and he by witholding information that could be seen as explosive in certain contexts.
Luxe 45

@29 Christie, ditto.

Evan, I do agree with you. It really depends on the situation. I don’t think it’s black and white. If he’s a trustworthy guy that handled this situation wrong, then he can remedy that. If he hid it from her from the get go cause he wasn’t sure how to handle it, then that can change. If he didn’t mean to hide it, but she took it that way, they can discuss it and he can reassure her. She needs to let it go and not hold any grudges. Both need to have open communication and she needs to let him be friends with his ex and stop being jealous of it. They both will need to move forward and keep building their relationship. I sympathize with her because her life is probably out of balance. I feel like he should help her out to stabalize or something. That would improve their relationship and her security.

In the end, we don’t know how this guy feels about his ex. Sometimes people want to get back with their ex’s and sometimes those ex’s want to get back together too. And sometimes both ex’s know why they aren’t together. Can’t deny that.
Robyn 46

Dear Emily,

If you operate with the presumption/assumption that your boyfriend is cheating or highly likely to cheat, then you are almost guaranteeing that he will.
A good male friend of mine once said (in response to his overly suspicious/jealous girlfriend) that if he’s going to be found guilty of a crime and be punished for it, then he might as well go out and commit the crime!

It is not a question of “letting your boyfriend be friends with his Ex” – that would imply that it’s up to you to decide/control who your boyfriend keeps as friends. That is not a recipe for a mutually supportive and equitable relationship – it’s a recipe for end-of-relationship.

If you pull a “it’s either her or me” ultimatum, the chances are pretty high (IMHO) that he will bail on you completely. Not because he wants to go back to the Ex, but because he’s just not up for a girlfriend who’s an insecure control-freak.

Your best bet? Get to know ALL of his friends. Have a party and invite everyone over, including the Ex. And make out her invitation as “and partner/guest”. Who knows, she might have a new guy in her life that you just don’t know about.

Good Luck!
Evan Marc Katz 47

Ruby – Believe the negatives, ignore the positives meant this:

When he says “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” believe him. He’s GIVING you the red flag; you’re just ignoring it because you want him to like you.

This is very different than when a guy maintains normal relations with an ex and YOU THINK it’s a red flag because of YOUR fears based on previous experience.

There’s no red flag in the original email. Just an insecure girl who doesn’t understand how exes can be friends.
Bill 48

“I really don’t understand why some women are so afraid that their boyfriends are going to go running back to their exes”

The reason is because those women have done it in the past.
Selena 49

Why didn’t he invite Emily to join them for lunch? Wouldn’t you automatically want to introduce your girlfriend, who recently moved to another country to live with you, to your friends? Isn’t that just common courtesy?

The fact he didn’t is what is suspicious.
Evan Marc Katz 50

I wouldn’t have invited my jealous girlfriend to meet my innocent ex either. What an unnecessary and uncomfortable dynamic when the two are better kept separate. You have to start thinking like a guy instead of thinking strictly from “the woman is always right/the man is always suspicious” point of view.
Selena 51

I’ll venture that the reason this post hits quite a few nerves is because the experience of dating someone who isn’t quite *done* with an ex is more common than the experience of being an irrationally jealous new girlfriend.

Same deal as to why legions of women won’t date *separated* men.
Ruby 52

EMK #47, 50

Thanks for answering my earlier question, and clarifying that.

I have to say that I don’t agree, though, that the boyfriend should keep Emily and the girlfriend separate. I still think his best option is to invite Emily and be as OPEN and inclusive as possible. She did, after all, move across a great distance to be with him. If Emily refuses to meet her or categorically states that her bf should never have an ex as a friend, well then, maybe her move was a big mistake. Like I said before, committed couples don’t have private, “separate” ex’s as friends.
Steve 53

IMHO, if people can handle they and their partners being friends with an ex, I think that is a good sign they can handle other potential relationship stressors without folding. Sounds like a good quality.
Selena 54

@#50

You wouldn’t invite your jealous girlfriend, WHO CAME FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY TO MOVE IN WITH YOU to have lunch with your innocent ex? How pray tell, did you know she was a jealous girlfriend? And why wouldn’t you assume that once she saw how innocent your ex was there wouldn’t be a problem?

Seriously Evan, this kind of compartmentalism might be appropriate in the first few weeks of dating, but NOT when someone has moved to a different country to be your live in. No Way.

And I do not have to think like a guy to have “the woman is always right/ the man is always suspicious” point of view. I don’t Have that POV. Hiding a friendship from someone you are seriously involved with is wrong period. For both genders.
Evan Marc Katz 55

This is my last post on this.

Selena, don’t yell at me. My job as a dating coach is to tell you how to succeed with men in dating and relationships. But you don’t have to listen to me.

Go ahead, do it your way. Accuse him of something untoward. Make him feel like a bad person. Check his cell phone. Lemme know how it goes.

This man is innocent. I’ve had many lunches with women where it didn’t even occur to me to invite my wife. Her presence there is unnecessary. My friendship with these women is a separate entity. Thus, it’s up to you to accept HIS truth, instead of assuming he’s lying to you. It is not his obligation at all to invite his live in girlfriend everywhere he goes. How exhausting would it be to be in such a relationship?

Seriously, get out of your own head and into his. In trusting relationships, Selena, all of this is irrelevant. So my wife is having lunch with her ex. So she’s having drinks with a male colleague. Who cares? She’s married to ME! The ONLY reason I should care is if I’M insecure or don’t trust her. I do trust her, so I don’t give a crap about who she sees when I’m not around. THIS is how you have a healthy relationship.

This paranoia about the ex doesn’t sound like anything that I – or any man I know – would want to be a part of. I MUST invite you along to lunch with my ex? Really? The only guy who puts up with such demands is a man with no balls. Congratulations, he’s all yours. But he’ll start to resent the hell out of you and you’ll probably have no respect for him.

Pat Allen said: “If you tell a man what to do and he listens, he’s not a man”. I wholeheartedly concur.
Diana 56

Not that anyone here cares, but if I end up with a boyfriend who meets his ex for lunch, texts her, appears to take a private call, etc. without being open with me from the beginning about their continuing contact, he will likely become my ex real soon. It wouldn’t be due to supposed jealousy or my feeling insecure. I could feel very secure about our being together with a good future ahead. Rather, a sense of trust that would be broken. Not a worry that he might sleep with her again or leave me.

And not to be a hypocrite, but if I kept in contact with an ex, my new boyfriend would know about this before any new contact had been made. It shows there’s nothing to hide or defend myself for, and that I trust him enough to be secure, understanding and accepting of the situation. And if he’s not, well then that would likely show we’re not the best match.
Dawn Quow 57

I just wanted to add that Evan I’ve only just discovered your blog and I so wish that I had found it earlier. Your comments are quite insightful and sensible. You have really great material here. I’m going to keep reading.
Helen 58

A few (possibly conflicting, anyway different) thoughts come to mind:

First, did anyone else find the boyfriend’s response when they were both sick to be selfish? He shouldn’t only care about whether he catches her cold. He should also care about not giving HER whatever pathogen he ingested (which could be transmitted through close contact).

Second, back when hubby and I were dating, he would have been right to worry more about any NEW guy I went to lunch with rather than any EX. Why? Because I was through with my exes, even if we did stay friends. There just really were no sparks left.

Third, if the boyfriend in this story did invite the ex over for dinner, wouldn’t that be good in some ways? He would be introducing his ex to his new girlfriend, and everything would be out in the open. I don’t think the girlfriend should feel threatened by that possibility. She should only be concerned if they are doing a lot of things together that don’t involve her.

Don’t be too harsh on anyone. Jealousy can be a very, very hard emotion to deal with – even when one knows it is wrong or unhelpful.
Ruby 59

I’m not saying that a man must invite his girlfriend or wife every time he has a casual lunch with an ex. But in this new relationship, where Emily has moved from another country to be with her bf, where she clearly feels insecure and probably knows no one else, inviting her along to meet his ex makes perfect sense to me.

Selena, I think you hit the nail on the head in #51
Dawn Quow 60

I just wanted to add that I only recently discovered this site. It has been a refreshing discovery. Marc your comments are so insigthful and sensible. I will certainly keep reading,
Adrienne 61

There’s a simple solution to all of this: He can either be best friends with his ex or best friends with his girlfriend. This isn’t a shades of grey and explain it away issue.

Hey – he can go to lunch with the ex. He can plan this out for a month in advance. BUT – If his girlfriend finds out that she is getting a colposcopy the day of the lunch ONE day before the lunch . . . he throws the ex girlfriend under the bus. His girlfriend comes first.

The ex girlfriend wants to get together and talk about b.s.: Books, movies, music, etc. etc. They make plans to have a drink after work. The girlfriend gets laid off from her job THAT day at 4:00 p.m. The boyfriend throws the ex girlfriend under the bus to be with his GIRLFRIEND who just had the rug pulled out from under her feet.

The ex girlfriend invites him to spend a weekend day at the beach. He says, “Hey ex-girlfriend! My girlfriend and I both work Monday through Friday and we get so little down time together, so I’m going to bring her along –okay?”

That’s how it works. It’s okay for a man to be ‘friends’ or ‘friendly’ with an ex as long as the ex-girlfriend: Knows her place.

As long as she (the ex-girlfriend) knows – a GOOD romantic relationship? The man and the woman save all their relationship talks for the two of them. That means the ex-girlfriend can’t get mad at her ex-boyfriend that says in response to her questions about this love life, “Hey Sally! That’s between me and Amy. I can’t be disloyal to her.”   As Evan has said, Ex’s Are Ex’s For A Reason.   The ex-girlfriend should be made to understand this when she finds herself being blocked out from the most intimate and deep emotional level with the man in the triangle.

Now if the Original Poster’s boyfriend is NOT doing these things in regards to how he manages balancing his time with his LOVE Interest versus the person he used to have sex with – then she needs to be concerned.   It should tell her that she’s made a man a priority that treats her like an option. And she should go. She’s settling for less than what she deserves.

Everyone deserves loyalty from a romantic partner and to be priority. I have parents who have been married for 40 years – and they still truly love each other. That love that has grown?  My mom will tell you – her husband is loyal to her and puts her first.

All that said, If he IS throwing the ex-girlfriend under the bus when it’s a choice between the two women – she has no worries. His loyalties lie 100% with her.

Side Note: This is how it works for my boyfriend and me of 10.5 months. The issue in our relationship was MY male friends that I had dated or been involved with. My current and what I believe to be Forever love is not a jealous man with a ton of past relationship issues. Those are in the past. But he needed me to SHOW him that he was first in my behavior. So I’m looking at it from the boyfriend role. I made an active choice that my love was my best friend and the man that deserved my loyalty – above and before any other man in my life. So if I can do it – so can the original writer’s boyfriend!
Cat 62

Unless your boyfriend is in prison, there’s really no way you can keep tabs on his every move. People have contact with the opposite sex every day! Yes, they’ll find some of them attractive and maybe even fantasize a bit. That’s normal! Other people don’t stop being attractive just because you’ve chosen to be exclusive. BUT, he chose to commit to YOU. So if you have a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel threatened whether it’s lunch with an ex or someone “new” (as Helen said) from work, etc. But if you act like the prison warden and snoop through his cell and emails, then you’re making other women seem far more attractive to date… If you accuse an innocent man enough, he’s either going to dump you or finally commit the crime he’s paying for already.

Also, Dawn, #60, his first name is Evan. Marc is his middle name.
Sayanta 63

Yeah, EMK- why do so many people call you Mark or Marc? It’s annoying me, and I’m not the one it’s directed at!

People, come on, we all know the name that is the first in sequence is the one that takes precedence. Now, if he was calling himself E.Marc Katz, that would be understandable, since you wouldn’t know what the “E” is for- but the first name is right there on top of your screen!!
Evan Marc Katz 64

Here are some of the ways that people have found me in Google last month:

Evan Mark Katz

Eric Marc Katz

Mark Katz

Mark Evan Katz

Marc Evan Katz

Evan Michael Katz

Evan Marc Kats

Evan Marc Ken

Evan Marc Kaatz

Evan David Katz

Marc Evan Kat

Evan Mac Katz

Evan Marckatz

Evan Mark Kratz

Evan Marx Katz

Evan Matz

Evan McKatz

Evan McKratz

Mark Evan Jatz

Marc Katz Evans

There are more, but these are pretty priceless. Also, there are plenty of people looking for pictures of my wife. Plenty of people searching for coupon codes. And a small handful of people who are looking for some evidence that I’m a crank by typing in Evan Marc Katz hoax, Evan Marc Katz fraud, Evan Marc Katz complaint.

God bless you all for caring enough to read. You might not like what I have to say, but I’m no hoax or fraud, and the only complaints come in directly on this blog.

I’m off to throw a party where I will undoubtedly drink too much and make a few single women smile. I’m very glad to have such an understanding wife and would encourage all of you – especially the ones who disagreed with me today – to try to BE that understanding woman.

She’s the one who gets the guy in the end.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

Evan
starthrower68 65

Deep down inside, I know Evan is right. But I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around it. I have been the type that if I find out the guy I’m dating is still involved with his ex, I don’t hound him about it. I just walk away and they’re free to work out any unfinished business they may have.
Fawn 66

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough. ~Frank Crane

Speaks volumes.
Honey 67

You know I had not thought of it until now, but one of my ex boyfriends was going to be in town a couple of years ago (he had a job for a hotel chain at the time and traveled a lot) and I had made plans to meet him for dinner/drinks…I told Jake off the cuff as an FYI and he asked me to cancel. So I did. No big deal, Jake being comfortable means more to me than one semi-awkward catchup dinner with someone I haven’t seen in 7 years. And it was that particular ex, because Jake knew the guy was a jerk. I have another ex that we have had dinner with when he was in town, but since he’s engaged and lives in Japan a) there was no threat and b) we are obviously trying to butter him up to show us around Tokyo someday when we save enough money to go!
The Seductress 68

The only thing that bothers me a tiny-littl-bit is I think within the 4 months of dating he should have mentioned by that point of his different friends and people in his life that he sees and spends time with.
It should come up in natural conversation.

Perhaps there are NO feelings left and it’s platonic but he didn’t mention it for fear of her being jealous or concerned. MAYBE, but that he never did mention it and she found out on her own (all be it her fault) it’s not a shining moment of open-book honesty on his part.

Perhaps he didn’t mention it because there are unresolved feelings, rekindled feelings, whatever and he’s figuring it out. Four months isn’t that long with the new girl; there is no deep commitment yet. We don’t know what he and the ex are talking about…

Just thoughts. Emily does show some insecurity regarding her blanket belief that it’s never appropriate to be friends with an ex and that business with being offended that her boyfriend didn’t want her germs and she does need to look at that or she will always see problems where there may not be any.
Is it appropriate to be friends with an ex. Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. It really depends on a lot of things, but the new girl/boyfriend should not dictate that based on their insecurity.
Lets 69

Emily, it’s ok to read your boyfriend’s text messages only if both of you had an agreement on this. It’s an evasion of privacy and disrespectful to do that. So the next time you do it and you guys didn’t agree on it, be sure that no other soul would know about it … shhhhhhh )
I too Emily would be concerned if my boyfriend still go on dates with his ex. Wouldn’t my boyfriend feel the same if it were the other way around ? It’s like we are putting our relationship at “risk” if we allow this. Is that what you are feeling Emily ? TALK to him about this. Let him know what you are feeling. It doesn’t matter if he will think that you are insecure because if he loves you, he will understand, accept you for that and help you feel secure with him.
hunter 70

EMK has an extraordinary wife. Her kind is very, very, hard to find.(they exist in a very small pool)

As for the rest of us, ex gf/bf’s cannot stay around. It just creates chaos/problems.
Chris 71

I don’t see this as black or white issue where Emily should just “trust.” What if his ex dumped him and there’s evidence that he wishes the dumping had never happened? What if, from a distance, the ex and the bf have everything in common?

Emily’s emotional reaction might seem irrational, but those emotions are real and she can’t easily help them. This should be a two-way street where he introduces Emily to the ex. It could be an awkward meeting, but I think it would put her mind at ease.

Also, I can understand concealing individual texts and phone calls, but you have to disclose that an ex is part of your life early in the relationship. If someone can’t accept that fact then maybe the teller should consider leaving.
A-L 72

I totally agree with Christie‘s #18. I have no problem with people still being friends with an ex. But they shouldn’t hide it either. Even when I’m meeting up with male friends who were never an ex, I’ve always let my fiance know. Even though jealousy is not an attractive quality, most people feel it to some degree or another. Even if my fiance would never make a comment or forbid me to do something, I don’t even want him to think that something might be going on. So I do what’s in my power to make him comfortable (by my being open) while still enjoying my freedom to see the people I’d like to see.

I think that both the OP and her boyfriend are in the wrong. The OP shouldn’t be snooping or fobidding, but the boyfriend is also wrong for making an effort to hide his actions. And when a couple is living together, they probably talk about their days in pretty decent detail. I’m betting that if he’d been having lunch with his boss, he would have told the girlfriend. So he also should have told her if he was having lunch with his ex. The crystal ball says, “Future doesn’t look good.”
JuJu 73

Sounds to me like Emily jumped the gun with the whole moving to another country for a man thing. After all, how well can she know him if she doesn’t even know his friends?

Although, considering the levels of insecurity and immaturity she is exhibiting, I’d say she is jumping the gun with trying to be in a relationship, period.
Diana 74

To Evan #63, you can be the most understanding woman in the world, but that’s no guarantee you’ll end up with the guy. I know this from painful experience. It works as well as it does between you and your wife because of what you both give to the relationship. I’m so happy for you and your lovely wife.
JerseyGirl 75

I do not think Emily is being “irrational”. I also don’t think you can’t not be friends with an ex. It really depends on the situation. Some men and women can be friends with their exes and it can truly be a platonic relationship. Some can’t. Heck, some men even say themselves that men and women can’t be friends ever!
It’s normal to question this kind of senario. Infact, who of us hasn’t at some point questioned this exact condumdrum? Whether we came to the conclusion that it was okay or that it wasn’t okay “for us”. Berating Emily and telling her that her reaction is “irrational” isn’t really even true. She is responding to what she logically concludes is a natural and biological threat! I do think that Emily and her man need to have deeper discusssions about their expectations and feelings on this situation and after a good talk, trust that what the other is saying is true for them. I also do wonder why we keep doing things we know trouble our partners. And while the understanding woman might get the man, so will the understanding man get the girl.
Christie Hartman 76

I ran this scenario by a couple of level-headed friends of mine, one of whom is a guy. Both felt not being up front about a friendship with an ex was a dumb idea, and that Emily’s boyfriend is in Red Flag City. Does a red flag mean he’s a bad guy? No. It only raises a question that, at some point, needs answering. As many here have said, complete trust is NOT automatic. It is earned through dealing with situations like this couple is dealing with. Chances are, Evan, your wife trusts you now because you earned it earlier on, not because she felt you were automatically entitled to it. You said you wouldn’t cheat on her because she trusts you; not everyone shares that philosophy.

It’s easy to get into this “I hide things because you don’t trust me” versus “I don’t trust you because you hide things” debate. Each person has to take responsibility for their own actions.
JuJu 77

Evan, I’ve been reading your responses, and you never actually answered the question so many here posed. I have to agree with the others – unless you are editing stuff out, we do not have enough info to conclude that the bf had a reason to assume that Emily would react jealously before the conversation ever happened.

Also, we all know how incredibly cool your wife is, but I am curious, would you be as cool with her sharing her sexual fantasies about other men with you? Or flirting with random men wherever she goes?

P.S.: ever watch the cartoon Dr. Katz? They often had these stills of cats hanging off trees and stuff – “Dr. Cats”, get it? At least be grateful people aren’t spelling your name *that* way.

Diane, #41: my, oh, my, are you ever lucky to be rid of that guy! I mean, WTF? The ex is *married*, yet she calls him every three months to play fox in a manger? And he actually takes those calls and heeds her requests? I mean, really? Seriously, this isn’t the kind of person you want as your partner. I am just sorry you got so emotionally invested in the relationship by the time you found out.

Honey, #67: I still think it should have mattered more whether *you* wanted to go.
JerseyGirl 78

Hey, well said Christie. It’s not like we go into a relationship saying this person automaticaly deserves our love. We start relationships because we like people and then they “earn” our love or don’t by their actions and by your own actions and opinions. I think trust is the same way. I do not like the mentality of “well I didn’t say anything because I knew it would hurt you”. They didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to deal with someone else’s emotions. It’s easy to deal with lovey dovey emotions but much harder to deal with more negatie emotions. They were protecting themselves and the rough waters they might have to tread. They aren’t protecting the other person by lying to them or sugar coating things.
Katarina Phang 79

Plus, there’s a reason this guy broke up with his ex – as such, she’s far LESS of a threat than a woman he hasn’t dated before.

Ummm…I beg to disagree there, Evan. A lot of people break up while still having very strong feelings for each other (been there, done that). A new person won’t easily evoke the kind of intense emotions an ex one isn’t over with does.

A lot of people are not over their exes when venturing into a new relationship. When I was dating my husband, he wasn’t over his ex and they had split for over a year. He had to see/date her again (while dating me) one last time for a few months just to see once and for all he was really over her before deciding to marry me.

I think it’s best when he includes her in the friendship. I would expect the same from any guy I date, if not immediately, at least later on.

But I agree though one should refrain oneself from acting overly jealous without all the facts. A better way will be to ask him nicely the nature of their relationship and whether you can get to know her.
Karl R 80

Christine Hartman said: (#76)
“It’s easy to get into this ‘I hide things because you don’t trust me’ versus ‘I don’t trust you because you hide things’ debate. Each person has to take responsibility for their own actions.”

And in this case, the advice is geared towards Emily’s actions, since she’s the one who contacted Evan.

Emily feels that keeping contact with an ex is not “appropriate,” “unacceptable” and “insulting.” That belief is going to get her into trouble in a lot of relationships … including ones where the man is up front about the situation.

Emily’s behavior gives people the impression that she’s insecure, jealous, bossy and nosy. I suspect her boyfriend has gotten the same impression. Even if she wants to repair the relationship (which I’m not certain is the case), she may not be able to. Therefore, at this point Emily may be better served by determining which behaviors could sink her next relationship, rather than analyzing what’s gone wrong in this one.
Christie Hartman 81

Karl (80), I would agree that Emily’s view about exes is going to get her into trouble in some relationships, although you will find that many people do share her views that regular contact with an ex is inappropriate (I’m not one of them). You say that the advice is geared toward Emily’s actions; it ought to be. But for some, including yourself, the advice also chastises her and does not consider that, beyond her jealousy, she may have some right to be angry. As I have said previously, Emily’s boyfriend should be allowed to be friends with his ex, but he should not hide it.
Aplus 82

Hi there, well I don’t think it’s a good idea, to hang out with your ex while in a relationship. You don’t want to hear all the things they did or did’nt do.
starthrower68 83

There is no relationship worth all this angst and emotional upheaval. While I agree that the BF’s behavior doesn’t earn him an award for being open and honest, Emily’s energy would be better served letting this relationship go and getting at the root of her insecurities so she can overcome them.
Karl R 84

Christie Hartman said: (#81)
“the advice also chastises her and does not consider that, beyond her jealousy, she may have some right to be angry.”

Emily isn’t justified in being angry if she’s only angry for the wrong reason (which appears to be the case).

For example:
If I say something insensitive to my girlfriend, she has a right to be upset with me for that comment. However, she doesn’t have the right to be angry for my not knowing why she’s upset (I’m not a mind reader; she should simply tell me why she’s upset). And if she gets upset with me for the wrong reason, it will get in the way of resolving the issue of my insensitive comment.

Emily isn’t upset about her boyfriend being secretive (which would be a justifiable reason to be upset). She’s upset because it’s an ex. Therefore, Emily’s anger isn’t justified.
Emily 85

Hi, I’m Emily, I wrote this letter. Thanks for posting it Evan, and for writing a reply. I appreciate having a guy’s perspective (also the other guys that wrote back). It’s been several months since this happened. We did dicuss things for a few days after all of this happened. I totally admitted that I was in the wrong checking his messagaes. In the end, I caused myself the pain. So yes, I fully own that.

As many of you will be aware, moving across the Atlantic, moving at all, is one of the most stressful things a person can do. Now I’m not making excuses for my behaviour (that was wrong) but rather I’m trying to explain why I got so over-emotional over it all – he was the thing which was secure, known, valued – and I thought that was changing.

My boyfriend has gone ahead and stayed in touch with his ex. We talked about this and I said, “Okay, but you need to be above-board and not engage in behaviour which provokes suspicision” which he agreed. He told me something too which I hadn’t considered. His father cheated on his mother several times, and his mother was very jealous. He said he didn’t want me to know about the ex, because he assumed I would be jealous (so he’s projecting old fears onto the relatinship, just as I am – of course this needs to stop). I told him I was, but only because of the sneaking around. (Again, my bad cause I looked at the phone!).

On another note, he is friends with other exs and I don’t mind (they are married with kids and in my mind that MEANS something). Another thing to add, it turned out (after boyfriend and I talked) that his ex was sneaking around on her current boyfriend, not telling him she was meeting mine for lunch.

Anyway, Evan you are right, Trust is essential. I’m going to talk with my boyfriend tonight (again, after reading all of this) and let him know that it’s trust I want and see where we can go from there. I love him and I know he loves me, so I know we’ll both put in the effort.
Thanks Evan and keep up the good work!
Cat 86

Thanks for the update, Emily! Sounds like you are doing great and not repeating past mistakes. Good for you!
Joe 87

Not telling someone something you are doing isn’t sneaking around. Doing it but telling them you’re doing something else is sneaking around.
Selena 88

@#87

So Joe, if your girlfriend was in contact with an ex and meeting up with him here and there without ever mentioning it to you, you wouldn’t mind? After all, she’s not lying to you – just not telling you what she’s doing. You wouldn’t wonder why she never mentioned seeing her ex to you?
Diana 89

If they’re doing one thing, but telling you something else, it’s called lying. And I think a person’s conscious tells them when they’re sneaking around.
Goldie 90

#87-88, I really do not know where to draw the line on this one. Who wants to be overwhelmed with every little detail of their SO’s every day, just so they can be sure he’s not sneaking around? If it’s relevant, tell. If it’s irrelevant, do not tell. If you stay in touch with your twenty exes, I don’t want to hear about every text message you send to every one of them. If it is the one ex that still wants you back that’s texting you, I should probably know. etc etc.
Joe 91

@ Selena (#88):

If my GF was meeting up with an ex without my being aware of it, how exactly would I mind?
Chelsea 92

Does anybody know if you buy Evan’s ebook if you can read it on your computer or do you need an ebook reader?
Cat 93

I just downloaded it to my computer. You don’t need any special reader. You do need to write down whatever password it gives you after you pay for it. If you have any problems, let him know!
Selena 94

@#91

You find out by chance.
james 95

I agree with the majority of what Evan advises in his blog. I love how he makes the point that he tries not to make moral judgments but OBSERVATIONS. What works and what doesn’t. But i wholeheartedly disagree with his advice in this instance. From the majority of my own observations staying friends with ex’s is a bad idea. I think there are plenty of things and obstacles that get in the way of relationships succeeding as it is. Why add a ex in to the mix. So you dated and were in love with him or her once? but its over now… its the past. And if its the past and you love who you are currently with, and they have a small hang up or insecurity about ex’s and being friends. It seems like a small thing to give up, of course if he or she is trying to hand pick all your friends thats a different story. But if its a ex, some one they used to be in love with, and had sex with, or strong history with, and its now over… than i think its good to just move on. And end the friendship with the ex. And i think the majority of people even if its not the politicaly correct thing or the new modern relationship thing, feels really relieved when who ever he or she is dating says they do not have any contact with their ex’s. And maybe some think its feeding into a persons insecurity or maybe its just one less small hurdle to cross that doesn’t need to be a hurdle.
        I mean cheers for the couples that still involve their ex’s in their lives. And it works for them, and they never get jealous or if they do they control it or just realize they are being insecure or foolisth. But i think the majority of people and the relationships they are in would be served better if they were not friends with their ex’s. I’m not giving people less credit and saying people aren’t mature enough to handle being in relationships where their lover is friends with there ex’s, i’m just saying its not really that productive. Now i’m sure you could make a argument against that, but odds are if you took a poll they say it would cause more problems than actual benefits.
      And you make the case that the girl who gets the guy is the girl who doesn’t make a fuss about her boyfriend being friends with her ex. But i think i could make a case that the guy who gets the girl is the guy who has no problem not being friends with an ex, because its the past. it over. Why let the past even have a chance of rearing its head even if its not brought on by the person your with, but by the ex they are still friends with.
      Maybe i sound old fashioned or not up to the times in modern relationships. But i think something that looks good on paper and makes you look like your more mature and above giving into insecuritys, does not apply in real life. And the majority of relationships would be better served if people were not friends with their ex’s. Thats just my observation.
      Anyway… Evan i love the blog. Keep it up, i’ve learned tons and tons from what you’ve written and listened to from you. I’m definitely a fan and think your helping love lives with both men and women.
Selena 96

@James #95

How does your theory apply to people who have children? When you have a child with someone it’s usually not possible, or desireable, to have absolutely no contact with the other parent. In fact it’s better for the child if his/her parents are on “friendly” terms. The same can be said of ex’s who are linked in business in some way.
Karl R 97

james said: (#95)
“But if its a ex, some one they used to be in love with, and had sex with, or strong history with, and its now over… than i think its good to just move on. And end the friendship with the ex.”

Sometimes you can walk away from an ex and never see them again. Other times, you’d have to rearrange entire portions of your life. The former may be reasonable. The latter (especially if you date around a bit) is not.

One of my girlfriend’s exes is her birds’ veterinarian. He may be a HJNTIY boyfriend, but he’s a really good vet. One of my ex-girlfriends is an active member of my church. I sit next to her current boyfriend in choir. I’ve dated extensively in the dance community. My girlfriend and I run across my exes almost every time we go out dancing.

If you’re constantly running into your exes, it’s necessary to be civil to them, it’s preferable to be friendly with them, and it’s possible to remain friends.

It’s not complication-free. The veterinarian ex just invited my girlfriend to attend a wedding with him. Her comment to me: “I guess it didn’t register when I told him I was in a committed relationship.”

Goldie said: (#90)
“If you stay in touch with your twenty exes, I don’t want to hear about every text message you send to every one of them.”

I agree. I don’t need to hear about every email my girlfriend gets from her exes. She doesn’t care how many exes I dance with when I’m out. Keep your partner informed about the significant things (and “significant” does vary from relationship to relationship).
Isa 98

hmmm okay.. I do feel that the writer was wrong for snooping into her boyfriends stuff. First and foremost I have made the mistake of moving across state lines with a man I didn’t know well enough if we shared dating values i.e. how we interact with exes. I know myself and don’t mind if a guy I am dating has female friends…but I do feel uncomfortable with lingering exes and unfinished business…my solution…I date men who are mature and have moved on past their former beaus. However, on the other hand I feel that if your gut prompted you to check his cellphone that’s a signal to you that you don’t feel that he is a safe person to be with. It doesn’t matter if you found something or not….If the guy your with is evoking feelings of insecurity in you then your “styles” of being together may not be matched. I do feel that Evan’s response was harsh and critical. Most people I know don’t have these elaborate friendships with exes to the degree that they are coming over cooking with the new spouse lol! Not being that way doesn’t make anyone less confident I think its really fake to paste on a smile and endure something you don’t agree with in your gut to prove that you are as liberal as others on this blog. I’m just saying.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach 99

Wow – what a stir you created Evan! Quite a remarkable bunch o fcomments. usually I agree with you, but this time, I’m not sure. Should she have read his texts? Of course not. Should he be lunching with his ex and hiding it from her? Of course not. I do think you are right about jealously, but I also think sometimes, where there’s smoke, there might be fire.

Next week, I’ll be celebrating National Singles Week with the DatingforKeepsExpo.com, a free week-long teleconference on dating for women. It starts Monday 9/20 so register now.
Mr_Right 100

Interesting discussion. I’ve read the post and the comments, and I’m going to have to disagree with your advice, Evan.

First of all, I do agree that it’s fine for him to not do the hug/kiss thing since he was trying not to be sick. It’s not personal, it’s just health-related.

Second of all, I also think ex’s can be friends. However, I would think the right thing for the boyfriend to do is to let the girlfriend know that he’s meeting up with a ex. That is where the trust comes in. The boyfriend trusts the girlfriend enough to mention this to her.

Jealousy is a useless emotion, I agree, but there is a certain amount of respect that is between two people when they’re in a relationship. Respect for each other, respect for the feelings of each other. And when one person does something that the other feels is disrespectful, then you have a situation.

The question here is, is it disrespectful for the boyfriend to go to lunch with his ex, and not tell his girlfriend about it.

Personally, I think it is a bit disrespectful.

I think that when two people are in a relationship together, they should intentionally avoid situations that could cause damage to that relationship. The issue here is that the boyfriend and his ex have a history together.

I agree that he’s innocent until proven guilty, but darn, if there aren’t a lot of red flags here.

And personally, I think it would be exceedingly interesting if the girlfriend DID invite the ex over for dinner. I think that she would get a good read on her then, good or bad. The girlfriend should invite her over while the boyfriend is standing there, to see his reaction.
healy 101

It’s okay. I trust my boyfriend. That’s the best thing I should do! If my boyfriend love me then he won’t do anything that will hurt me;0
Christie Hartman 102

Thank you, Emily (85), for chiming in. It’s good to see that this worked out. I hoped it would.

Sometimes, couples build trust through situations like this.
Denise 103

I think this is a result of a much bigger issue…a woman moves from her home to another city after a relatively short long-term relationship? Let’s say they spent every weekend together for 16 weeks, that’s 32 dates. What does someone really know about another person after 32 dates?

It’s no wonder she’s insecure, she really has no idea who this man is. Not saying he’s a bad guy, but these are the extreme risks in moving too quickly and relationships that start long distance.

I think the Evan’s comments are spot on, if there was a traditional relationship where the people spent a lot of time together and was longer than 4 months.
Diane 104

Juju #77 – not sure you will be back to this “debate” but just in case you do, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for having the compassion to comment on my post (#41). Seriously, the fact that you took the time to read my post and be appalled by his behavior helped me to feel like someone does understand (most people including my very good friends simply say “get over it”.). So thanks:-)
JuJu 105

Diane, yeah, I try to read all the comments whenever I can.

The fact that it has been going on for five years indicates a staggering degree of immaturity, on both their parts. Seriously, you are better off without someone like that in your life – that’s not even a *man*. I fail to see a single redeeming quality in the way he has handled the whole thing.
Honey 106

@JuJu, #77 – My ex invited me, he was visiting my town (he had a job at the time that required a lot of travel). I had no special desire to go or not go, but I agreed because I didn’t have any plans and because I actually don’t like my ex very much and was secretly hoping to find out that his life was a disaster. I wouldn’t have made any effort to get in touch with him if I was going to be in his town. So overall, I didn’t mind not going (though as I told Jake, the way he asked me not to go could’ve used some serious work). Not going probably saved me from the snarkier side of myself that would’ve been trying to find out details about my ex’s life to justify my low opinion of him.
Willie Pays 107

Any woman or man that stays in touch with an ex raises a serious red flag. Men and women aren’t “friends”. Hanging out with ex’s is a fail safe mechanism.
If I was the woman, I would dump this guy. He hid this from you, he’s bound to hide something else. What man keeps in touch with his ex for “problems’. This guy would hit it if she let him in a heartbeat.
On a lunch date too? Lol, this guy is wide open with it. Move on.
Jackie 108

My concern would be that he was that he seemed secretive about it. Even though Evan had many good points, if the man was open about it with his significant other, why did he feel the need to keep it from her? I think how this woman is feeling is perfectly understandable.
thirtyseven 109

but seriously.  at what point is there a difference between having a *casual* friendship or maintaining friendly *contact* with the ex (which i do with several of mine) and having a continuing daily clingy attachment with the ex of 3 years. i understand that you spend that much time with someone and you fall into habits and routines. you get comfortable. and i understand that a guy & a girl can still be close friends after they split. especially when they remain single for a while. but when you still spend 1 or 2 nights a week together, which sometimes include sleepovers……. it looks to me like it is still a relationship, just without sex part. he did tell her there would be no more sharing a bed from the very start of our seeing each other, so that was a relief…… but i have NEVER dated someone who also spent entire nights with another girl. even if it is platonic. i think it’s acceptable, albeit unhealthy, if both parties are single. but when my boyfriend & i started getting more serious and he started asking me for exclusivity and wanting to spend more weeknights with ME…… i started feeling that the continual hanging out with the ex was becoming……. inappropriate. even kinda disrespectful and selfish on her part to the new girlfriend, to call him daily & with every emergency that comes up. it seems to me that she still wants all the postives from him that she had when they were together (becasue there were many), but without having to put any efforts into it or give him sex (which was the main reason they split).

i tried so hard to be “cool girl” in the beginning. i didnt feel threatened by her, i didnt feel jealous. and i “let” him do whatever he wanted. meaning, when he said, i’m hanging out with B**** is that ok/does it bother you? i would reply yes, it’s fine, i trust you. and i do…….. BUT i thought as OUR relationship progressed, his with her would start to wane. it hasn’t. i framed it to him that i don’t ever want to tell somewhat what they can or can’t do, and i don’t want to change him…… but i also do not feel good to be in a committed relationship with someone who is basically still AS involved with his ex as he is with me. just minus the sex. which was non-existent even when they were dating. i told him i want a normal, healthy relationship. with him. and i hope he does too, but if he wants to continue the closeness with the ex (she spent the night//entire next day at his 2 nights ago) it’s probably not be something i want to contend with.  and i don’t feel comfortable with the inappropriateness. i’m talking giving him flying legs-wrapping around him type hugs as a greeting.  she doesn’t seem to think she needs to treat him any differently than when they *were* a couple. even when i’m there. he agreed, and told me that he wants a relationship with me more than anything, and that the hanging out with the ex is over. he said he feels bad to not be there for her, she is a mess, she has a lot of problems, she is going through a hard time right now……. etc etc etc…… and that really HE HOPES SHE WILL JUST FIND A BOYFRIEND. and i said, but you are no longer responsible for her. you are starting something with me and she is going to have to find her own way or find someone else to swoop in and rescue her and it can’t continue to be you.

my question is, if he agrees with me, and agrees that the dynamic should change, why do i feel horrible like i am still controlling his actions and telling him what to do? i SO do not want to be that girl.  just to add — i have not intiated with him once since we started dating 6 weeks ago. i have let him always come to me and he has by leaps and bounds. i have always been happy to see him (even when upset about her) and have always given him trust & communicated my feelings to him. so far it has felt like the best connection i’ve ever had with a man. but the apron strings need to be cut already if we he is to move forward with me.
Gina 110

I am friends with a few of my exes and am very upfront about it when I have a boyfriend. My late mother used to say, “It isn’t what you do, it’s how you do it.” If there’s nothing to hide, then there’s no reason to be secretive. If you feel that you have to be secretive because you have a jealous partner, then you need to think twice about having that person in you life.

On the other hand, I have the personal experience of knowing a guy who keeps in contact with his ex because he is still in love with her. Even though he moved on to other girlfriends, he never got over his ex. When the ex would give the slightest indication that they might have a chance, he’d dump the current girlfriend in order to be with her. After he did so, the ex would tell him that they had no future. He would then look for a new girlfriend and the cycle would repeat itself.

As I sit here writing this message, he is spending as much time as he can hanging out with this ex girlfriend, as a friend, hoping that they’ll get back together (he’s carried a torch for her for three years now). At the same time, he’s working on wooing a new girlfriend.

In some cases the new girlfriend may not be overreacting. She may very well have a valid reason for feeling jealous of her boyfriend’s ex. Asking questions and talking to the guy about it can help her to make the decision to leave, saving herself a lot of pain and heartache in the long run.
reneen 111

I found out my man was emailing/phoning his ex (and vice versa) but dating me and proposing marriage at some point in near future. I discovered that he invited her to meetup with him and he would schedule it if that’s what she wanted. She declined his offer. Hmmmm, am I wrong to suspect foul play??!! Those siding with the BF on this are not beign realistic or are just plain stupid. (btw, i didn’t tell him i knew of this and he would not admit it to me but i threatend to leave and he cried for me to stay, so i remain for now.) No easy answer here…. or is there?
Lucia 112

As a busy women focused on my career, I barely have time to see the guy I’m dating, let alone an ex. I may talk on the phone once in a blue moon, but once I’ve moved on, I focus on the current partner, not the ex. If I’m interested in seeing an ex in person, it’s because I’m not over him, but that’s just me.
alex 113

okay… i have read these comments and i gotta say.. i disagree.
why would her boyfriend wanna be friends with his ex again?
i mean is he THAT empty with out his ex in his life?
whats wrong with what he has right now? isnt he happy enough with his girlfriend to not need to be friends with his ex?

i mean he has gone this long with out being friends with her and not talking to her.. why now? why does he HAVE to fix things?
why can he NOT live without being friends with her? seriously?
i dont get it
Karl R 114

alex asked: (#113)
“why would her boyfriend wanna be friends with his ex again?”

Again? It sounds like he never stopped being friends with his ex. He just stopped being in a romantic relationship with her.

alex asked: (#113)
“i mean he has gone this long with out being friends with her and not talking to her.. why now? why does he HAVE to fix things?”

Where are you getting this impression that he spent time without being friends with the ex? Where are you getting this idea that he’s trying to “fix things” with her?

alex asked: (#113)
“i mean is he THAT empty with out his ex in his life?”

Would you ditch one of your good friends just to make your boyfriend happy?

My good friends tend to have some common traits: I like them; I trust them; I share some common interests with them. My girlfriends all qualified as good friends (or they didn’t make it past the first few dates). Provided the breakup wasn’t too painful, we stayed friends.

The ex has been his friend longer than Emily has been his girlfriend.

alex asked: (#113)
“whats wrong with what he has right now?”

It sounds like you’re in favor of preserving the status quo. If you’re looking at it that way, the ex has been around much longer than Emily.

alex asked: (#113)
“isnt he happy enough with his girlfriend to not need to be friends with his ex?”

If you want to ensure that your significant other is unhappy with you, start dictating who they can and can’t be friends with.

reneen asked: (#111)
“am I wrong to suspect foul play??!!”

He’s being secretive about it, which makes me suspicious. If I were meeting with an ex, I would mention it to my girlfriend.
mirely 115

but…what if the ex still loves him? can they be friends then?? uh..no.. ryte?? ahhhh help!
Ashley 116

Not everyone is all that trustworthy. I know, I trusted a guy with my all…let him connect with his ex’s…we’d occasionally would bump into some of them from friends/family gatherings. I mean at the time I didn’t seem to have any reason NOT to trust him. Now that we’re no longer together, it makes a whole lot of sense…it’s not the guy/girl you’re with you can’t trust…it’s the EX you can’t trust sometimes. Everyone has different cases. I mean, my first and only boyfriend (same guy) who is now my ex….the new girl he’s dating..THREATENED me to stop being friends with him; meaning no communication whatsoever. Yes, I do REALLY still love him with all my heart…but I also know how to respect what’s going on between them. There are ex’s like me who know better to respect as hurt as they are. Then there are some who will use friendship with an ex as an advantage to be back in the guys life.
Linda 117

Exactly, Ashley. It’s been my experience multiple times, in multiple relationships, where female friends or ex-girlfriends had designs on my then boyfriend. They’d flirt, and butter him up and then usually there’d be some crisis in their lives and they need a male to save them. Usually, my boyfriend. And then next thing I know, the two of them are in love, or someone’s pregnant, or things just got intense between them and there was a slip-up.
Yes, I know I made bad choices for boyfriends that they’d cross the line but you can see the dilemma. I’m not a jealous person, I don’t snoop but I gotta say being the calm, collected, trusting girlfriend didn’t get me any further ahead. Oh wait, it got me a nice STD.
I’d say it’s more important that each partner be trustworthy and open-book – than to expect to be trusted “just because”. Yes, people lie to each other to save face, or save themselves grief, or save their partner from their own insecurities. But that doesn’t wash in my world. All it does is cause me to lose respect.
daniel 118

I had a similar thing with a girlfriend. Although i didnt invade any privacy.

She moved out from her ex but they have a cat together and she used the washing machine. She never told me anything she was doing with her ex but sometimes she wouldnt answer when i called or go to the other room when he called her. She only told him about us after a year together.

I even found out they took a daytrip together and that was without telling me. It was none of my business.

And during that one year i was told how much she loved etc yet this one great friend of hers cant know about me or meet me. What emotion other than anger is expected?
Kymberly 119

Coming from a woman that has had her boyfriend cheat with his ex….NO!!!
That being said. If you are comfortable with it, sure. But keep your eyes wide open. And if you are not comfortable with it, he should respect that.
Janice 120

I was friends with an ex from high school from 20 years ago. His wife knew that we were friends. He would text me or call me from time to time which I didn’t mind because I thought it was just friendship. Until one day when he asked me if I missed him and how come I never initiated calls. He wanted to come visit me in another state for the sake of romantic purposes. I had to cut him off.

Evan speaks from a position of the person who is friends with his ex not the one who is the significant other of a person who is friends with an ex. So I don’t know why anyone would think he would not defend the being friends with an ex position.

People will get advice from anybody because they are too stupid to think for themselves.
Mindy 121

My boyfriend is friends with a lot of his ex’s, he talks to them and sends them flirtatious text messages. He tells me that it’s innocent. But, I don’t like it, I’ve asked him to stop but he tells me that I don’;t have the right to tell him who his friends are. This is disrepectful to me and our relationship.
sammie 122

Wow alot of debate, very interesting subject which will continue to facinate us! My take on this is if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat! Trying to control another person is a useless/empty action, you cannot control a person but you can contol how you react to a situation. When you are with someone you are still different people no one has the right to “let” the other do anything you are individuals and deserve to have a life and fiends outside the relationship!! And as Evan says you ultimatley have the power to walk away and be with someone who will have integrity and treat you as he would himself/herself x
Jim 123

My view is that an ex is an ex and while they have a part in a past life they don’t play a role in the future.
Sabrina 124

I don’t understand why you are considered insecure just because you don’t want to be in the same room with someone your boyfriend has slept with. I found out that at Thanksgiving dinner the girl sitting across from my boyfriend was a girl he used to run around with. I don’t know why our culture thinks I am not “normal” because I don’t think this is acceptable. I think it’s crap that I have to feel bad about feeling that way. I am not jealous of this girl but I just don’t think it’s proper and I feel that him putting me into a situation like that was just wrong. I am very happy with everything about myself and do not worry that he still “wants” her. I am just so sick of how society judges others that it ok to make someone feel bad when it is completely normal to feel uncomfortable in a situation like that.

I understand that what she was saying about not getting attention when they were both sick might seem a little insecure but the fact that he was hiding it makes me not trust him and he shouldn’t be hiding something like that if there is nothing going on, right?
sam 125

Christie Hartman, you make a hellluvalot more sense to me than Evan. I suppose when Evan buys a car he completely trusts the salesperson. Or I suppose he would just pull a babysitter off the street to watch his kids without a reference or background check or knowing them in advance?!?! Makes no sense. Yes, you give people the benefit of the doubt, but trust is completely earned through the 1000′s of interactions (both conscious and subconcsious) you have with a person over the minutes, hours, weeks and months that you spend getting to know them. Intuition is strong and it can sense when things don’t seem right. I would argue that the reason she checks his texts is because of his secrecy. Is it the chicken or the egg? I absolutely do NOT think he is innocent and I don’t think he is an honest or trustworthy person. And Evan says the reason he doesn’t tell her is because of her jealousy, but that is also hog wash. I person with strong values/character does not compromise honesty and their values to appease a jealous girlfriend. Instead, they stick to their core principles and they are open/honest upfront and they don’t worry about the GF’s feelings. They would leave it up to her to figure out how she wants to deal with it either through communication/compromise on how to handle the situation or by exiting the relationship if she can’t cope with it. Bottom line is it comes down to the individual. Evan can’t say that everyone should be ok with their spouse having lunch with an ex. That works for him and he is probably more liberal in his beliefs. I tend to be more conservative, so it is unacceptable for my significant other to have lunch or any type relationship with her ex. There are women out there that feel the same, so that is obviously the type of person I need to be with in my relationships. Evan needs more freedom in his life and it seems he has found a spouse that is supportive of that, so it seems to be working well for them, but that doesn’t mean it can/should work for everyone. I would argue that Evan is insecure and needs these other relationships with women to validate himself. Even his comment about “making some single women smile” at the party is a bit awkward/concerning to me. And his comment about having “alot” of ex-GFs. I would further argue that his somewhat bohemian approach towards relationships will eventually lead to failure when the original excitement/lust/new love feeling wears off and things aren’t as exciting as they once wear. Then those little flirting events start to potentially lead to inappropriate behavior and jealousy/insecurity sets in. It’s just not a solid foundation to a relationship IMO. It’s kindof like swingers. I imagine it’s all fun and exciting at 1st, but it’s not really sustainable and in time eventually the participants become insecure or find themselves having stronger attractions to the other parties. Same thing will happen to Evan by him participating in so many relationships with other women and his ex-GF’s. These external relationship and “fantasies” of these other women will make him quickly run when things start to get tough at home. Mark my words…his marriage will never last!!! I think this Evan guy is a complete hoax and by his looks/comments he seems like a complete “playa” to me!
Evan Marc Katz 126

I approved that comment, Sam, because it was the funniest one I’ve gotten in weeks.

Thanks for psychoanalyzing me based on my looks, my flirtatious personality, and my friendships with exes. You’ve got a future as a critic with your spot-on, incisive views about what makes men like me tick.

Seriously, I was thinking of swinging or taking my “playa” game to some hot Hollywood club, but, thanks to you, I’m going to snuggle next to my wife upstairs and watch “Castle” on ABC.

Really appreciate the reality check.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to my failing marriage and my hoax of a dating coaching business. And you can go back to coaching football or whatever you do, okay?
Mayz 127

Nice article Evan.

For the record, I’m friends with my last two exes. It took a while after the break up to get to that point, where we were past the hurt of break up. But their current g/fs have no reason to fear. I have no interest in bedding them. They were a huge part of my life and still mean a lot to me. They are good people and I would never unfriend them, just because my current partner would want me to.
Just my two cents.
ana 128

well… why would someone be in so close contact with his/her ex?! Let begone be begone…why to carry the old package with you to a new relationship. Of course,a woman wouldn’t like you’re sharing your time with the woman you once were intimate with, the ties are there, it is never pure friendship!!!! We are jealous to emotions our man can still have for ex, he doesnt have to be physical with her. It is the matter of RESPECT. If you are over with ex, then let this person GO. WHat kind of stupid thing it is to invite an ex to dinner ?????? Yakkkkkkkk
ana 129

moreover, sometimes the party who was dumped still has some emotions… hope… etc…I wouldn’t like my boyfriend to hang with an ex who dumped him. No way. It is disrespectful. And he still has ties with his ex, maybe hope, maybe who knows what….a clever man will never do this to his woman.
ana 130

Plus…it is not the matter of who is wrong and who is right…”I don’t have any intention with my ex and my gf must/should/need to understand it”. Why should she has to understand this???? A man (or a woman) is there to create a wonderfull feeling in another person, not to make another one start doubting…and doubts are fatal…you can never know how the other side will actually take your ex gf story… you may ruin what you have with this ex gfs nonsence. Ex is ex and let her be EX.
Candice 131

Hahahaha Sam I think you need to see a shrink
Goldie 132

I don’t get this theory that I’ve been hearing a lot (and just now from Sam), that, after a few years into the relationship, when “the novelty wears off”, your spouse will totally stray, unless you keep him or her chained in the basement and never allow anyone of the opposite sex near them. As someone who was in a relationship for 22 years, I’m here to tell you, “the novelty wearing off” is not why relationships break up and people cheat. If anything, it’s an insanely jealous spouse that will make people leave their marriage.
lawyerette 133

Evan (or another guy), can you shed light on what Reneen said at 111? I feel like I keep seeing this with my guy friends. They decide to commit, but it’s like they get cold feet and start contacting women from their past to see what’s up. As far as I know, most don’t go through with actually cheating on their fiancees, but it’s like an itch they have to scratch or something. And I’ve been hit up by guys from my past, out of the blue, and then I find out that they proposed a month or two later. I’m turning 30 this month and I keep seeing this happen with friends, so it’s something there. I’m interested in knowing if this actually harmless (altho side-eye inducing) or a more troubling sign.
Ellen 134

Lawyerette #33: I think it’s only immaturity ’cause older men just don’t do that that I’m aware of.

I tell my young friends/daughter not to date a man til he’s 30 and certainly not to marry til then.
Dani 135

Ahh the chicken and the egg debate! I can see both sides of the argument. However, I think this ‘jealousy’ is a natural instinct which evolved to protect us. People these days are often told to stifle their instincts on the basis of ‘not enough solid evidence’ this fails in medicine as well as love. Perhaps I’m jaded by my own personal experience, a month ago I went through a break up – he cheated on me when he went to university only a month before he left did he annouce to his friends he was going to marry me (they str all shocked by the way things panned out) . When he went – I started seeing these ‘red flags’ he called me crazy, paranoid you name it. No he was having an affair with a girl he lived in his building. She is now his new girlfriend. So was my ‘insecurity’ unfounded? You can say that my ‘jealousy’ drove him into her arms, but I think that’s bullshit. He CHOSE to cheat. He was in control of his actions. If he was unhappy with an aspect of the relationship, he should have spoken to me. He didn’t comminucate verbally with me anything was wrong, it was a sign of his immaturity. I was secure in our relationship until his actions put doubts in my minds. Until I saw a photo of them kissing, he didn’t admit the affair – most men aren’t that stupid to get caught red handed but she’s a very vindictive person…but that’s another story.
boundaries do need to be established and when these boundaries get blurred with no or bad comminication, that’s when doubt sets in. Having an ex as a friend is something that is natural for a partner to be hesistant about, if Emily’s boyfriend had been upfront and honest, then she would have felt reassured somewhat, if he was scared of the way she would react, then it’s HIS problem – if he hides something it’s because a. there is something wrong with it or b, he has a problem with commincating; hiding something because the confrontation may be difficult is immature (and there will be something in a relationship at one point or another that a couple have different views on). Before this situation
I was very secure, my other ex was really good friends with his ex – I had no problem with that, I had no problem with this ex going out – except for the worry of his liver. I became insecure, when I got given ‘warning flags’ and sure sometimes, if a couple comminicates they are just a warning, but I think more than not they suggest the relationship is going to go tits up.
I also think being friends with the opposite sex (ex or not) successfully takes a certain amount of maturity, one or both people will probabaly be attracted to eachother at some point, but that’s ok, it doesn’t mean it needs to be acted on.
Nora 136

Well I am in a simular situation. I am in a new relationship, he has told me up front that him and his ex are friends. I thought that was wonderful. I told him that I had no intention of getting of the way of the friendship and I admired it. But the ex plays on his feelings and says it hurts her that he is moving on, although she left him and she has a signifigant other in her life. Now he is hiding me from the ex. And I feel the tables have turned and he is putting all the importance on her and less on my feelings. I trust him 100%, but how do I get him to change the priority. I shouldnt have to compete with the history. We should be in the present building our lives.
Faithful 137

When someone becomes an ex, why would anyone want to remain friends with them, especially if a new partner is present. An ex hurts emotionally, why would you want to be reminded of that by seeing them. Cut it off and be loyal to the new partner. There was a reason they became an ex. For the new partner, trust is important so why should they deal with being insecure and wondering what is going on. I think being in contact with an ex is also hoping to reconcile somewhere down the road or maybe having a fling with them. If you think being a friend with an ex is important, your not over them yet so don’t involve anyone new until your over them, and that goes for both sides of the fence. Cut it off and start on a clean slate and only involve the ex if you have children together and it is a responsibility to be cival to one another. There is no need for texting, phoning or getting together for lunch with an ex unless you are single. Once you involve another partner, show them you are faithful to them. I don’t think being a jealous person comes into play, it is merely protecting yourself from being hurt by someone who doesn’t know what they want in life or who they want.
DMC 138

I think Evan makes some very good points and some very bad ones.

The Good:
- girl is being needy and selfish
- girl was wrong to look through his phone.

The Bad:
- the trust comment is way off the mark. Trust IS earned to a degree. Also, you do not know for a fact that he isn’t hooking up with his ex. This does not excuse the gf’s snooping, but his being sneaky is a potential red flag.
- I do not agree with your assessment of ex’s being friends, at least as a blanke statement. I think it can be unhealthy just as often as it’s benign. Also just b/c some couple are ok with it (like you say your wife and you are) doesn’t mean it’s for others. Something that important should probably be more of a match, then one person having to suck it up.
Joe 139

There’s also the fact that some people hide things because they don’t want to deal with the grief they know they’ll get from an insecure SO, even if their dealings with their ex are entirely above-board.
Donna 140

Yeah well he lied and hid the fact he was talking to his ex…that’s the problem…not if anyone was sick…if anyone should be friends with the man on the moon..HE lied because he felt what he was doing was inappropriate…being a man and telling someone he cared about them but wanting something ELSE as well. Time to fess up..he does not care about the relationship be has currently and if it’s the beginning stages and he cares that little about if she finds out and dumps him…She should dump him NOW…before he gets any more of a chance to break her heart!!!
spike 141

Oh good God. I happened upon this site when trying to figure out whether my boyfriend of 2.5 years could be considered ‘cheating’ because he’s been texting and chatting at length (behind my back) to his ex. Now, apparently, he’s meeting up with her in secret, and this some 2 months after she’s told him she still loves him.
Having had an unfaithful husband in the past, I’ve said to my BF that I just require honesty and openness. I have said I don’t care if he’s friends with this particular ex as long as it’s above board. Him texting on the quiet and arranging to meet her is not honest, nor is it open (and yes, I’ve read his texts, because a text came thru from this woman a couple of weeks ago, his phone was on the table right by me, I could see the text was from her, but when he came back in the room he said it was his nephew who’d text – so he lied. I therefore feel quite justified to have a quick look at his text conversations once in a while so I’m not being made a mug of).
I couldn’t believe the self-justifying drivel this Evan has advised this girl.
Meeting your ex, lying about phone calls, sneaking away for private calls, arranging to meet on the quiet IS CHEATING, no matter how you like to dress it up saying that she should trust him – he’s abused that trust and deserves to be dumped, unceremoniously.
Carrie 142

My motto is: if you are not comfortable doing something in front of your significant other, you shouldn’t be doing it!

First off, I’ve never remained friends with and ex, mostly so I can get closure and move on with my life. Since Facebook I have reconnected with some old boyfriends from years ago. I have met up with one ex BF for happy hour, accompanied by another mutual friend. I would feel extremely uncomfortable seeing this guy on my own. He is married with 3 boys.

My most recent ex freaked out when I told him I did not want to maintain a friendship. Again, I needed time and distance to heal. He disrespected my wishes and still attempted to call and text. I’ve never had a guy do this before, it really confused me. For the most part I tried to ignore him, although I did respond a few times. What made this particular break up more painful is that he IMMEDIATELY started seeing an ex from six years prior. In fact, I am pretty certain that they had contact and even spent time together the last month that we were still a couple.

Fast forward three months…
After some advice from a psychotherapist, I responded when my ex contacted me. Her thought was that the relationship wasn’t over and to try and engage him to talk openly with me. He began to contact me more often, nearly daily. A few weeks of this and one night he began to send me suggestive text messages. He came over one afternoon to collect his things. He asked me if I wanted to talk. He also asked if I was hungry. We went to lunch and caught up. When we got back to my house I tried to engage him in a conversation about our relationship. He had little to say, but he had plenty on his mind! He made several advances towards me, and I managed to stop him from going further. All the while his new girlfriend had no clue what had been going on.

There is yet another “ex GF” part to our relationship, but I’ll spare you all the details. Let’s just say he wasn’t as forthcoming about the details of that friendship as he should have been and in light of his behavior with me as an “ex”, odds are that he likely crossed some boundaries.

I think it is okay to reach out to an old ex on occasion. But if it is an “active” friendship and you are in a relationship with someone else your in muddy water. Communication is key in this type of a situation. If your ex is that important to you, tell the person your dating, BEFORE it becomes an issue.

Personally, I would never let a “friendship” with an ex negatively impact my primary relationship. Your primary relationship should be a priority! Invest that time and energy into your partner.
Carrie 143

Faithful #137 is right on.
Tam 144

Emily,
I think your feelings are valid. I disagree that it is just a matter of trust. Somewhat, especially the secrecy, but I think it is a matter of human nature and protecting what can very easily go wrong unexpectedly. In many religious organizations, primarily Christian based… It is advised that married couples do not have emotional relationships or connections with the opposite sex other than their spouse. There is a reason. Most people do not ever think that they would cheat. It usually comes up unexpectedly.
Many marriages have a standard agreement that even in business, that the husband or wife do not have a business lunch or meeting alone with the opposite sex. Bring another person or have it at the office among others.
Recently at my own church, I heard a woman talk who brought up free agency and ‘freedom’. She mentioned that many adults like to say, ‘I am an adult and I don’t need to have rules like a child’. I think if that were true, then the rate of divorce among other things wouldn’t be so high. She also mentioned that we wouldn’t look at a child with no one watching or disciplining them– eating garbage, running around naked, pooping in the street– and say ‘that lucky kid’. No.
Rules and boundaries that keep us in line and help us make decisions that bring happiness and joy… That is freedom. Do you look at someone who has smoked their whole life and now must carry oxygen everywhere and their life is limited by disease and see freedom? I don’t. I see free agency, I see a poor choice. I don’t see freedom.
Now, at what point do you say that these relationships are not appropriate? That I think is individual to each person. I think four months dating and relocating for this person means quite a commitment and good reason to have such boundaries. For me, I have a child, and if I am going to allow someone into my child’s life and talk about marriage, I expect these relationships with ex’s or just good friends to start winding down and to be quite limited in contact.
I think a man should be happy to make his girlfriend feel confident in the commitment between them and vice versa. If it is not that serious yet, I don’t think you would have relocated.
Yes, I think you must trust your boyfriend (if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be with him) and I think we must all be honest that we are human, things happen that we don’t expect and having an emotional tie to another person just isn’t a great start into a serious relationship or marriage.
Good luck Emily.
Mer 145

so if anyone here thinks its okay to go behind someones back and hide the fact that you are talking to an ex… you would be okay if the gal or guy you were seeing was hiding this from you? get a grip folks. Its the real world. If you are hiding something.. you feel there is something to hide. He should have told her from the beginning if there was nothing to hide. obviously he wants the new g/friend, but wants some secret to keep from her so he feels manley
Nene 146

You all, including Evan, make it sound so simple. Probably because when you are friends with your ex, you don’t hide it from your partner, why? Because you don’t have anything to hide. The girl just told you that her boyfriend is hiding his relationship with his ex. If you don’t have anything to hide, then your ex — as a friend (a normal friend like some of you have noted, should not be hidden).

My boyfriend makes it a point to introduce me to his friends (male and female), he even encourages me to pick up when they call his phone and he’s not there. I do the same for him. Male and female, I don’t leave the room when my ex calls, I don’t see anything wrong with calling my ex if I have to tell him something when my boyfriend is there. Why? Because I have nothing to hide. I leave my phone with my bf and sometimes show him convos between my ex and I, why? Because I’m not hiding anything. While he on the other hand, makes it a point to hide things about his ex. He lies about calling them, I even found out that he didn’t tell at least two that he had a gf. I wasn’t even angry, just baffled. LIke WTF. What does that mean? I ask him, if they are just friends like your other friends, then why don’t you treat them like your other friends–at least when it comes to me? Why not take their calls (mind you he has never taken their calls in front of me — so there’s no precedence he can base my reaction on). Some people just act suspicious and as a human, you can’t help but be suspicious. This is my first time dating a guy who made me suspicious. I am sooo open about my relationships with my guy friends (even my ex’s) because I don’t see a problem with maintaining that relationship. But when someone starts hiding relationships with people….I see that as a huge problem.

And yes, I’ve talked to my bf about it, he said, he just can’t help it. He’s just that way, and he’s going to change. But I’ll tell you one thing, it’s very annoying dealing with someone who turns innocent actions into suspicious actions. I’m not even mad, I’m just disappointed because to me it’s very dishonest and it shows he has the tendency of being cunning and could very well hide things without me knowing. And it was about 7 months into the relationship before I realized what he was doing…up until then, he made it look like he didn’t even talk to his ex’s.

My point, cut the girl a break. If her boyfriend was open about his relationship with the ex, and even introduced them (that’s what you do when in a relationship–a committed one — then there’d probably be no issues). Especially if she’s just a friend.
Jen 147

I’m trying to figure out how to integrate all of this advice into my relationship- I have the problem with my boyfriend talking to an ex, with a few big differences: We were dating him at the same time when the whole thing started. She constantly complained to him about spending time with me (and others that were involved) At one point she told him that she was the only one who could be trusted so he shouldn’t use condoms with her. She hates me, but I’m the one he chose. We have been together 5 years. He proposed last year and I accepted. He was working out of state and only came home for 2 days out of 16. One night, he called and asked if the ex and her daughter could go to a movie with us. I told him that it was NOT ok with me as we had very little time to spend together before he had to go back to work. He made plans to see the movie anyway and told me that it was ok because I was “invited.” I didn’t go and he called off our engagement. He agreed to go to counseling and get his “committment” issues figured out and I moved back in.
Recently, I was trying to figure out how to save some money on our phone bill by lowering our minutes and saw her number in his phone list- he still talks and texts her!!! He claims that she is just a friend and it shouldn’t hurt my feelings, but he ended our engagement because she was more important to him- how am I supposed to be ok with that? BTW- she tried to run me over in a bar parking lot once… But he didn’t see it, so he says he can’t hold that against her!
katz 148

I respect your article but as a women with self respect and integrity I disagree with your article. having communication with your ex means hoping to reconcile in the near future. my boyfriend has lots of his exes in his facebook and keeps constant communication with them. It bothers me cause I dont feel he is giving me my place but believe me we talked over it I wont force him to cut communication with them hell no but everybody has limits. He knows he crosses the line the relationship is over and I am way too much of a good woman to let that bother me. If you are the type of person that you feel insulted because your bf communicates with his exes go for it trust your instinct is human nature and at least that shows you have very good moral principles and you know what is self respect and dignity. You might say ohhh I am insecure, but guess this is my point I trust him but always where there was fire there will always be ashes. I think a women should learn to respect herself and has dignity. If you keep constant communication with your exes bottom line you still are looking for something or the guy is just a loser that cant get over it because there is a reason why they broke up and were so hurt before but they have so much of a low self esteem that they can’t detached themselves from their exes its sad because that means they need to manup and stop being hypocritical. GUYS with exes BOTTOM LINE stop being a loser shake it up get some self esteem if you want to pick up the same trash you did before go for it but learn to give your women their place, respect and dignity they deserve.
FOR THE LADIES: we have an ultra developed seventh sense so trust your feelings instincts, if your bf wants to keep communicating with their exes is ok but there are boundaries talking ok, but meeting up and hiding text messages i will say HASTA LA VISTA BABY! xoxo
Katie 149

When someone is in love, and sees a future with somebody (which presumably poor Emily does here hence her moving), that person (man or woman) wants to feel like they are the only man/woman that their partner needs- because naturally in the long term this is how things pan out right? Is love not about finding the one? Finding that person that wholly fulfills you? Not to mean that you dont have or want friends (some of whom may well be exes), but this ‘ex’ clearly seems to be quite close to Emily’s boyfriend which suggests perhaps he is not in the place she is in terms of commitment. If perhaps he was in that place he would give off the right signals to this ex so she would stop contacting him so much. Of course it is fine to be friends with exes. As a lot of you say and I agree, it would be worse if your partner cannot see that ex, but quite frankly I think it is a matter of how much a part of your partner’s life their ex (or even friend in any event) is a part of their life. it only makes matters worse when it is someone they have had previous sexual relations or relationships with. I think it really depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. People who are ready to commit wholeheartedly and want to spend their life with someone dont have an ex or any other friend of the opposite sex so close to them emotionally… Perhaps Emily should think about what they both want from their relationship.
Katie 150

Also you said this at 55 EVAN:

’Seriously, get out of your own head and into his. In trusting relationships, Selena, all of this is irrelevant. So my wife is having lunch with her ex. So she’s having drinks with a male colleague. Who cares? She’s married to ME! The ONLY reason I should care is if I’M insecure or don’t trust her. I do trust her, so I don’t give a crap about who she sees when I’m not around. THIS is how you have a healthy relationship.’

I think you are completely right here despite what I have written above… however, if you felt an incling that your wife had an emotional attachment to any of these men, or you felt perhaps on the lunches or drinks she was getting something from them she didn’t get from you… How do you think that would make you feel?

I think looking at the facts is easily done and making a judgement is also easy. But it all depends on boundaries and people’s attitude and approach towards these things. Ultimately everyone wants to feel respected as the significant other, and if anything starts suggesting they are not valued and respected in this role, the paranoia, the questioning and the insecurity arises.
Its all about how your partner makes you feel as their lover/bestfriend/partner.
Good on you and your wife if you manage to maintain keeping eachother maintained and secure, but please do not go making rash judgements on other people’s relationships. This boyfriend of Emily’s clearly has not made her feel secure. Instead of defending him why dont you tell her he isn’t good enough. I agree with Sam at this point, if you think that this boyfriend of Emily’s is behaving in an acceptable way then you do have a very strange outlook on relationships.

Katie
Wendy 151

What about when you try to be friends with the ex and right after you get engaged. She starts wearing a big diamond ring on her ring finger that he gave her during their relationship. What about when she almost cries because you accidently break the necklace that he wears 24/7 that she gave him during the relationship. I think its possible for someone to be friends with their ex but to talk to them everyday in addition to the above, I think there’s reason for concern. Also, when your man won’t say one bad thing about her but has many to say about you. Call me crazy but I don’t think it’s okay to be friends with your ex in this situation. It ultimately destroyed our relationship.
Carmen 152

Hmmmmm I’m thinking I agree with Sam…..if he feels the need to hide it then something is not right…..I had a ex-boyfriend ask me to be friends on fb (I didn’t even remember him but my husband did). I told my husband first and asked him what he thought….he didn’t care. Come to find out the only reason he asked to be my friend was because he had a page he wanted more people to like, had no interest in know about me and my wonderful life….he got deleted real fast. I think if your honest with your spouse and they are okay with it then go for it, but if the most important person in your life feels uncomfortable with it, it’s not wort it, My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me why would I want to hurt him or make him feel insure in anyway…….don’t be so self absorbed think about your loved one……
Amanda 153

Evan, I can’t thank you enough.

I have been struggling with this issue for years. Im only 28. I had a relationship in my early 20′s and it nearly destroyed my life because of jealousy and distrust. It took me another 5 years to find someone I actually could see my life with. However, old habits die hard and I found I was bringing the wrong beliefs into a great and brand new realtionship.

As soon as I read what you wrote, I knew you were right. Its just so hard to change your mind when you’ve been thinking a certain way for so long.

I will re-read what you wrote until its imprinted in my mind. I know I have a good guy, and I want us both to be happy. I know now its up to me to change my mind to have a healthy, trusting and truley loving relationship. It may be hard at first…. but I know it will be worth the while.

Once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
amy 154

Wow. The very question sounds crazy to me in several respects:

“Should I let my boyfriend –” What? Wait, who made you boss over anyone but yourself?

“Be Friends With” — ??? You want to control who someone else is friends with?

“His Ex” — Oh, for real. He’s a man, not a possession. If he and his ex want to get back together, they will. If he’s with you, it’s because he wants to be with you.

Shrinky types call a partner’s attempts to control who you’re friends with abuse, and rightly so. If a man’s so jealous, possessive, and insecure that he can’t handle the fact that some of my best friends are exes, and that some of those friendships go back almost 30 years, forget it. And if he’s going to read my mail? Omg, there’s the door. Are any of my exes and I going to get back together? No. Not even if they divorced or, God forbid, something happened to their wives. But I value those friendships. I wouldn’t give them up for a new man, and the creepy factor in the jealousy, intrusiveness, and possessiveness is off the charts anyway.
Kathrynrocks 155

Leave him, now, find someone who will always put you first and not do anything deliberately to make you unhappy (like having lunchdates with ex’s)

You gotta kiss a few frogs before you meet your Prince and he sounds like a frog, but there are lots of Princes out there.
Mr. Honest 156

All you men are ling cheats. I am a guy and staying friends with my ex-girl friends has always lead to problems. Here’s why. Once the tap has been made it is far to easy to have sex if either party is in need of some loving they are missing in the current relationship. I know, as I have done it many times. There is yet to be a past partner that I have slept with once that I could not sleep with again. I’m not proud of it either. Why I stopped is because the table turns the other way too. All these women that hold on to past boyfriends (which are men like me) are in the same boat. If they or their ex want a little loving guess what they are going to do it.
The reason they are an ex is because they are nuts or way to difficult to live with. However, the reason we were together amongst other things is because sex was good. Sex never changes only the emotion that surrounds it. So the only element that is removed from a separation is living together. Once you are not living together the emotional stuff can be repaired and eventually sex sounds good again. Sex is kind of set to the side because people are raised to believe that it should be shared only with lovers. However, that has changed and more and more people are just doing it because they need the release. So, Does this mean all guys would cheat with their ex girl friends and ex wives. Of course they would. If there is an interest to hold on to a ex partner for any reason then the door to sex is not completely gone either. Once you have recovered from the breakup the emotions are free to build back up and what was once sexy about the other sex is now sexy again. Women are the same so guys don’t you think for a minute that you women is not capable of doing the same thing to you. I know this first hand as well. Not happy about it but its true. The flip side of this coin is you are a home potential home wreak if you keep the relationship with a past ex. See there is always some girl or guy that has learned that this does not work the hard way and their spouse is trying to convince them that it is okay to keep a past relationship. Be the bigger person and break it off so they can stand a better chance at a good life together. I have had to do this several times and I don’t regret it one bit. Yes, that means Social media communications. If you can not sacrifice the disconnect from a past relationship then you really are not in love with the person you are in a relationship with. If this is you left your girlfriend or boyfriend go so they can find someone that does love them the way they would like to be loved.

When you break up you need to breakup. There are millions of people on the planet. Find a new friend.
Mr. Honest 157

Sorry, about the last post. I use voice recognition software and I did not proof read it before posting.
Joe 158

Dude, just because YOU’RE a dog, that doesn’t mean all guys are dogs.
Katie 159

Mr. Honest… very true! Go you for being honest!!!
perhaps not EVERYone would actually follow through and have sex with their exes, but the point you make clear is, the sexual attraction is there and thats that. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where their loved one is flitting off every now and then to see another man/woman he/she once had sexual passions with, and indeed will always have sexual and physical comfortability with as a result. Its just plain weird. I have had to do it too. I don’t intrude on past lovers lives because I know their spouse would be uncomfortable with it. Its just the right thing to do.
Pick one person. And stick to that person. respect the one you love! (if you love them!).
smariel 160

Evan – I gotta ask, at what point should a guy mention he is friends with his ex / meeting up with her? You completely skip over this point. I ask this as someone who was 100% trusting and got completely burned. I am friends with men, ex boyfriends, etc. I was completely open with my boyfriend about this and would just say “oh, hey, I’m meeting up with so & so tonight.” No big deal, right? One day my bf and I were walking on the street and ran into his ex, she casually brought up the out of town wedding they were flying to together (I couldn’t make it because of a work commitment). He had never mentioned a thing. I later found out he’d been sleeping with this woman for the first six months of what I thought was a committed relationship. And had been secretly meeting her for drinks, dinner, etc the entire time we were together. Are you really saying I’m the one with the problem? I somehow prevented him from telling me the truth?
Lisa. 161

A cold is not the point…. It is him keeping in contact with his ex. He may not be sleeping with her but he sure can’t cut loose and it is very scary, insulting and hurtful. I too have experienced this, I was devastated. If you can’t trust him now, you can’t trust him later, get out!!!
AS 162

I totally agree with your point #6 that trust has to be assumed within a relationship and if you cannot trust the person that you are with, then you really should not be in that relationship, as your paranoia will eventually break the relationship down anyway.
Jae 163

First off we dont know who broke up with who. He should not keep secrets, he should have been up front from the beginning. If HE is happy with EMILY then why not take her to the outings with him. Does she even know about EMILY? For all we know he is keeping her a secret. We really dont know the whole story.
If this man was secure in his relationship and with himself then he should have no problems being open. Lets not turn this around and make it solely Emily’s problem because there are two people in this relationship. I think this guy like most of us wants his cake and eat it. I agree with Mr Honest. Emily you have every right to feel this way, but dont let it eat you up. If you feel you cant trust him then you have to CHOOSE YOU FIRST AND LEAVE! He’s going to try and make this all your fault. I know i too have done this.
Face it guys, if we can get away with it we will continue. Its the thrill of the game.The guys who say I’m wrong are the guys that have been completely honest in their relationships from the begining.
ann 164

I’m a little torn on this one. I’ve been dating someone for 6 months. He broke up with his ex who he was with for 8 years about a year ago. They met playing tennis and he told me about her about a month after we first met saying he hadn’t completely broke ties with her and he still played tennis with her. He also was involved in her kids formative years. He has told me nothing else about her. I did understand that he ran into her when he played tennis which I can get is unavoidable. I asked him a month later if it was just the two of us and he said no. (there are language barriers as english isn’t his first language.) Since then our relationship has grown and he is with me almost every night unless I’m working late or have something going on. He has met my family, come to Thanksgiving with me at my family’s house, and has been helpful when my parents were sick. Recently I discovered that he and his ex are still playing tennis together and are mixed doubles partners. Although I knew they ran into each other and accepted that the fact that they were playing as a team together really bothered me. I told him how I felt and that the thing that bothered me the most was that he wasn’t up front about it. He offered to quit seeing her completely or quit playing tennis completely. I told him that both were unnecessary but I wanted him to be up front with me when he saw her. I really didn’t want to hear this from a 3rd party as I had in the past. (I live in a small community.) Today I discovered he played with her the day after we had that open discussion about her. He didn’t tell me about it. I understand what you say about trust but I know I’m not going to be happy with him playing doubles with his ex. I can’t change that. I feel like it’s a red flag that he’s not telling me about it.
Giovanna 165

Men don’t always respond well at being trusted. Sometimes you give them your trust from the very beginning, but they prove themselves untrustworthy anyway. And I think it’s not good that the guy she’s talking about it’s not honest about having contact with his ex. At least that should be clear from the beginning so she has the option to accept it or get out. Even if it’s not shady, if he’s really in love with the woman he is with now, he shouldn’t care that much about his ex… and if he does she better either get to know her, or get the hell out because she may suffer.
I agree with Mr. Honest; though it doesn’t mean that everyone’s going to follow through and have sex with their ex’s when the opportunity is given, staying friends DOES lead to temptation and sometimes it’s not easy to handle and may end up on those “didn’t mean that to happen” situations. It really is something that it’s up to the person, but you really get to learn that, when those ties are cut, you have much less problems with the person that you’re with and that can end up being the right one.
Evan Marc Katz 166

@Giovanna – Thanks for the moronic statement of the year: “Men don’t always respond well at being trusted.”

Really? How do YOU respond to not being trusted? Do you like when a guy acts jealous? Gives you the third degree? Constantly checks up to see where you are? Freaks out that you’re friends with your ex? Breaks into your cellphone? Obsesses about your facebook page? Thinks you should never talk to another guy ever again?

Nobody responds to not being trusted. Not women. Not men.

If you can’t trust a guy, don’t date him. If you’re dating him, you have to trust him.
Linda 167

i am one of the women that the guy went back to his ex. he was sneaky, and i just found out that the past 8 years with him was all lying, cheating and betraying on his part. the day my dad died, i found out all this because he was afraid i would find out the truth on my own. i have heard psychiatrists say that you should be wary of anyone who has a relationship with his/her ex. i’m not talking about being nasty or rude, or even avoiding the ex at all costs, but if your partner won’t allow you to be around the ex with him, or he has all these reasons for trying to protect you from the ex, and you aren’t allowed to be at family gatherings because of the ex, etc., look out! it was all about my ex and his selfishness and insecurities. he wanted 2 women after him and his ego just ate that up. he had promised that we would do everything together, including being around the ex, but that was all lies. i’m not saying there aren’t people you can trust with their exes, but why should you have to and it’s kind of hard to figure out who you can trust and who you can’t. Evan, i like most of your advice and understand the workings of it, but on this one, i have actual experience that says it wasn’t true in this case and i would never care to be put in this spot again. no, i will do my best not to judge the next guy according to my ex, but i will be aware. i guess my question is, if your relationship is not completed with someone, should you be in a relationship with someone else? my opinion is no, but that is my opinion. your partner deserves your 100% commitment in that relationship and if you’re still involved with your ex, i find that hard to believe that you are 100% committed. the ex needs to be able to move on too. everything my ex did to me, he did to his ex, and now they are together. her biggest issue is she would do anything to keep him from being with me, and either she doesn’t realize he treated her as badly, or she has an agenda in progress. as for me, i’m totally out of the picture and will never have another thing to do with him. i won’t ever allow that behavior in my life again. i will also be very wary of anyone who has an ongoing relationship with his ex and that relationship does not appear to be completed.
Gina 168

After all these posts a thumbs up to Debra’s.
No way in hell should a “new” boyfriend be texting/calling an ex in the company of his “new” girlfriend unless Ex’s house is on fire and she misplaced the 911 number, or thier mutual offspring is in a serious crisis. Put me in the ‘been there/done that’ category way too long….I sat like a mute fool during lunches and dinners in restaurants while he said, ‘So, how was YOUR DAY on the phone and I resisted the urge to get up and walk.’ When he spoke of me moving in there someday, he said, “Do you think I’ll be calling her or doing things w her when we are togetherf?” I said, YES. When does THIS stop>It will be “oh, honey I can’t change a light bulb” and he would be scurrying over there. Ex means EX and leave it at that. Ex Lady, go hire someone to solve your needs or get a therapist to talk to. Give the gift of freedom to your old boyfriend!
That TRUST you mention is just that. If a man is going on the deck to talk to “her” or ditching plans with you to go to a concert or lecture or a family wedding…WAVE THE BIG RED FLAGS….Either they include you, the new GF or wife, or you are outta there. Don’t waste your time if he doesn’t get it.
Linda 169

Gina,
i’m right there with you. what a nightmare i lived for 8 years. everything you say is right on!
Dianna 170

This post and one more by women on psychology forums helped save my relationship today. I cannot thank you enough!
Linda 171

i’m glad it helped you. best wishes for you.