How Can You Attract and Keep the Right Guy?

You were delighted when I told you how to tell if a man was falling in love with you.

You were thrilled when I told you when to dump a non-committal guy.

I think you’re going to be challenged by what I’m about to tell you in my next video.

We’ve long ago established that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That describes most of us when it comes to dating and relationships.

You’re wired a certain way. You’re attracted to a certain kind of personality type.

Over and over, you plug away, trying to make things work, even though it should be readily apparent by now: there’s not necessarily something wrong with YOU, nor is every man in your life fatally flawed. The problem is how you two work as a couple.

Two great ingredients don’t necessarily taste good together.

Lobster and cinnamon come to mind.

So what we’re here to do is try to reduce this to a simple science, finding a man who’s not just a great guy, but finding a man who’s a great fit for your life.

That may sound a little cold and cerebral to you, but I hate to tell you, following your heart has caused pretty much all of your relationship troubles. If love is blind, it’s my job to take the blinders off and let you know how to make slight adjustments that will lead you to greater happiness.

And let me be the first to tell you, greater happiness doesn’t rest in choosing a guy who’s just like you. My mantra to women is to look for a complement, not a clone.

This may not come naturally to you, especially if you’re a smart, strong, successful woman who thinks that you “deserve” a man who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are.

Essentially, you’re trying to date yourself, with a penis.

That kind of thinking is a huge blind spot for many women.

(Just imagine if men said the same thing: “I need a woman who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than I am.” No one would ever be able to settle down because everyone would be trying to trade up!)

This creates a conundrum for women who consider themselves in the 90th percentile of everything. In other words, the number of men who are taller, smarter, richer, is going to be a small fraction of the population. (Consider: 15% of men are 6 feet tall. 10% have masters degrees. 2% make over 200K, etc.)

Furthermore, these prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves.

You may want these alpha male studs, but these alpha male studs often prefer women who are less busy, more available, less critical, and lower maintenance.

Therein lies the friction.

What happens when you catch one of these Bill Clinton/Tiger Woods type men?

Well, consider the personality type of a guy who is busy, driven, and wealthy. He’s demanding. He’s used to getting his way. He’s a conqueror. He’s not big on compromise. He doesn’t think the rules apply to him. And he’s got an endless supply of female suitors. Add those all up, and you have a man who is really hard to land for a successful forty-year relationship.

These prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves

The only way to land a man like that is to give him what he can’t get anywhere else. What he can’t get from his guy friends. What he can’t get from his work. What he can’t get from his hobbies. That’s why he’d date you, because you provide an element to his life that is unique and special.

He wants a woman who is nurturing and thoughtful and supportive and patient and fun and playful and sexy.

This doesn’t mean that he is turned off or intimidated by your intelligence or ambition, but it’s merely a bonus. After all, he’s surrounded by smart, driven people all day long. When he gets home, he needs to turn off his business mind.

He doesn’t need to be challenged or criticized. He needs to laugh.
He’s doesn’t care about your doctorate or your triathlon medals. He’s got his own.

And if you perpetually think that the more impressive you are, the more it’s going to allow you to land an impressive man, I would encourage you to reconsider.

Men are looking for someone who makes his life better, simply by being optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun. It’s a completely different energy from your ability to slay dragons in the workplace.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t consider herself an ambitious, intense CEO type, it will be far easier for you to land one of these men, because you offer a complementary feminine energy to his masculine energy.

This can be hard to swallow, I acknowledge.

How Can You Attract and Keep the Right GuyBut I’m telling you, after 8 years of coaching, I’ve become convinced that people don’t change. Which is why I’m not asking you to change yourself; only to change your choice of men. Recently I was asked what percentage of my clients found love by changing their personalities vs. what percentage of my clients found love from changing their choice of men.

All my success stories changed their choice of men. If you’re out working 60 hours a week, you don’t need a guy who does the same. You might need a guy who is your complement, a supporter, a nurturer, your biggest fan who is your strength when the going gets tough. He makes you laugh. He listens to you. He gets you.

You might need your own complement, just like the alpha males I’ve described above.

You can protest that you don’t want your complement; you still want your clone.

Fair enough. How’s that working for you?

So, to me, your takeaway in figuring out how to attract and keep the right guy, your biggest problem is not who you are inside.

It’s your picker.

The men you’re choosing are not necessarily the right guy.

Because when you choose someone with a complementary energy, the puzzle pieces just fit and the whole thing becomes easy.

And I assure you, there’s absolutely no need for dating coaching when you’re in an easy relationship with a guy who is a great fit for your life.

*UPDATE: FOCUS Coaching is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Mona

    LOVED this video the most out of what you have posted lately. It really resonated with me. Thank you thank you thank you for your informative blog! 

    Got divorced, dated too soon, wasn’t looking for serious but a realllllyyyy nice man took the courage to date me, a newly divorced woman. Right now, we are a week out of our “break up/taking a break”. Last Tuesday, but Sunday we exchanged belongings.

    This video really resonated with me even though I am NOT ready to date again. I am FINALLY going to do the “right” thing and be alone and figure out my own head first. I feel like I hurt a good man by trying to make a relationship work that was not the right “fit”.

    My brother, told me this: “Remember, there is no Mr. Right, there is Mr. Right Enough.” Is this true? I mean, I understand we are all our own recipe (referring to Evan’s food mention above)…and I know some recipes don’t go with each other, but there has GOT to be one that fits better?

    I dunno, I am confused. I am trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to be “mean” and say “this isn’t working for me”. It’s a problem in many areas of my life: I am a pleaser, and don’t know “me”. 

    So, when I DO find the right guy, or what I hope to be, I follow Evan’s advice. I think I was “trying” that with this boyfriend (I hesitate to call him a rebound relationship because it sounds bad, but in essence, he was…) and I ended up with a very nice (but not exciting) man. He’s got a lot of amazing qualities that I will not forget about, but I think there were enough bad “ingredients” in the mix that I did not know I could deal with for a lifetime. Believe me, I am working through all the blog posts in this website so I can try to understand myself, and men, and dating even better. :-)

    Whew! thanks for letting me ramble…I rarely post but something about this video spoke to me. Thank you for all your great advice, Evan! :-) 

  2. 2
    Gigi

    I agree with the “easy” part, or at least it should be.  However, I had the “easy flow” in one relationship that ended up as a marriage, and it was easy because the man was a fraud!  He was a chameleon who went along with everything to get the goal (me) and then he did a complete flip flop afterwards (abusive, etc.etc.)  He had a history of it (online) in another city, in fact.  I was #3 wife, not #2…So it was “easy’ for him to get involved, and then, unfortunately, get divorced.  The judge was pretty disgusted with him and his antics.
    SO, the big factor for me is TRUST and how do you find that?  Easy is not always the right ingredient.  Sometimes, difficult gives the opportunity for a couple to be REAL with each other and work some things out.

  3. 3
    AQ

    This is very good! I think I do clash with an alpha. But I also have a history of dating down. Please give more guidelines! Successful but not alpha artistic playful???

  4. 4
    Kate

    Thank you Evan. What about the argument that you can be a ‘man’ at work and transition into a feminine mode out of work so that you get to be the cherished one at home and provide all the sensual energy and so on but still get to be professionally excellent in the work place? This is the Dr Pat Allen argument and she does argue for some adjustment on the part of the woman who wants the alpha male. Unless, of course, the alpha woman wants to play the ‘masculine’ role throughout the relationship.

  5. 5
    Lily2

    You make perfect sense here Evan. i struggle with wanting a man more like me, but i am the keep the stay home,creative nurturing type, not a “strong,smart, successful woman” i AM looking for a guy more like me these days. i’m done with the alpha males because i feel un-nurtured, insecure and angry with that type, even though i’ve always gone for them. They like me too because they think i’m a compliment to their way of being, and then it ends up crashing and burning because  i want a man who is self reflective and generous with his love and care….someone more like me! What do you make of that?

  6. 6
    Lea

    What if guys see me as an alpha woman (they often say I’m “intimidating” to my face, on a date, or remark, “this is the kind of house I hope to have someday!” while standing in my living room) – smart, successful, driven, owns her own home -but I’m not really the alpha woman. I’m nurturing, thoughtful, feminine, like to cook for a guy, be affectionate, playful and sexy. It’s not til after the 3rd date that guys start to see this about me–my sensitive side because I let my guard down more then. The first two dates I’m usually in “entertainment” mode, making them laugh, talking about what I love in life–movies, my house, my dog, my job, my friends–and apparently that translates to “alpha woman.” So I’m a feminine creature looking for an alpha guy, but the alpha guys see me as intense and intimidating. When I meet a more submissive guy, who’s less masculine, less outgoing, less ambitious, frankly, I’m not impressed, not attracted. I am looking for my opposite, my complement. 

  7. 7
    Laura

    This is sound advice smart, strong, well-educated ambitious, successful women should heed!

    My 37 year old niece is 1 year post serious commitment with a man who wants to marry her.  He treats her better than any man has ever treated her before.   He loves her, he adores her, he respects her.   He quit drinking and made new sober friends because the alcohol was a problem for her.   He cooks, washes dishes, and has a docile disposition. He has a big, generous heart.  He  has a great sense of humor!   He puts up with her moodiness and PMS.  He is adorable.  He is a laborer, and compared to us, he is dumb!  

    Smart successful men marry dumb women all the time.   

    Why should smart successful women who can take care of themselves, receive their intellectual stimulation elsewhere,  reject wonderful, loving men solely because their IQ and earning power isn’t as high as ours? 

    If you’re a dumb woman, the world is your oyster.  
     
    When you’re a woman with an IQ of 147 or better with your own successes, go for a man with integrity, personality, stability and creativity!

  8. 8
    Gina

    Hi Evan! As usual, I loved you post! I have NEVER been attracted to the alpha male type. Yuck! I’ve been married twice: the first time I married based upon the high level of intensity that I felt for the person (we know how that worked out. Ha! Ha!). The second time I married someone whom I did not feel a high level of chemistry or attraction for.  That lasted 12 years and ended because we grew apart. He was/is a nice person, but was a poor money manager  became emotionally unavailable, and did not want to share in the things that were interesting to me (traveling abroad). I was also selfish in that I do not like sports (only went to one Lakers game with him). 

    After those marriages ended, I found myself attracted to men who gave me the love attention, and affection that I did not receive from my ex. What I consistently heard from those men—whom I dated for about a year and asked where the relationship is going was: “You are a wonderful woman, BUT….” They then state that they feel that I would make a great wife, I’m funny, fun to be with, sweet, (all the things that you say a woman should be to attract a man who is interested in a long term future with a  woman Evan), but they don’t feel strongly enough to see a future with me.  Ouch, that hurt! The kicker is that most of them went on to pursue and fall deeply for women who had serious issues/baggage, or who treated them like crap. Go figure??!?!

    My friends all say that’s because I haven’t met the right one yet…

    Thank you Evan for telling me what I need to do (from a man’s perspective) to meet the right one.   

  9. 9
    Kate

    I am a divorced woman in my 30′s who managed to find an attractive, 6 ft tall man with a masters degree who is both highly successful/alpha and self-reflective. They do exist, and you don’t have to be perfect to attract and keep them (I’m certainly not).

  10. 10
    SSW

    Evan,

    I love your sites, have been reading all posts, purchased your ebooks, and I think you are making comments commercially correct.

    As you are very smart, I would love for you to move to the next step. 

    I belong to what you describe as “smart successful women” who have not found a good love; yes, your target market.

    We do not look for tall, dark, handsome, rich, and successful men.  We are not looking for somebody who is better than us.  That is not our main issue.

    We do not push and bring our “work” attitude to relationship.  That is not our main issue, either. 

    Many of us grew up in challenging childhood and made us be very driven and a hard worker.  Many of us are adult children facing dependency issues, etc..

    I am not asking you to be another John G.  I like your “fun” and “playful” way to position relationship issues.  At the same time, I would love to see your POVs expanding to a bit deeper issues we face.

    Thank you 

  11. 11
    Stacy

    Evan,

    what you’re arguing seems logical, if we assume that a “strong, successful woman” wants to “be a man” in a relationship. I consider myself such a woman, and I most certainly do NOT want to be a leader in a relationship or marriage. At work, I want to be respected and rewarded for my performance. I enjoy being able to lead and make decisions. At home, I want to be pampered, have my feelings cherished, have my man to lead and make decisions. This self awaraness comes from experience of dating various types of men. While “alphas” have those shortcomings that you listed, dating someone who’s “my complement” is even more draining as they look at me as their “mommy” and I just refuse to do that. If i wanted a kid, i would have a real kid, not a man-child.

    Obviously, for some women this type of a relationship where they play a man’s role would work, just not for all. Being successful in a workplace doesn’t mean that all of those women look to wear pants in their marriage.

    1. 11.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Stacy – You hit the nail on the head. Smart, strong, successful women DON’T want to be the “man”, yet are so “smart, strong, and successful” that most confident men decide that they’d rather have an easier relationship.

      The blind spot that you articulated, is that you want the alpha male, but the alpha male generally doesn’t want you. Too much friction. I’m not blaming you for being attracted to him (hell, everyone else is) but trying to force an alpha/alpha pairing is part of what’s led you to be single. At least, it’s what led me to be single for 35 years until I found the perfect complement. I’d encourage you to do the same.

      You say that a beta male is like a “kid”. That’s funny. I don’t think of my wife as my child, even though I financially support her.

      I think of her as my best friend, who makes me laugh, who understands me, who supports me, who PUTS up with me, who is building a life with me.

      Your attitude towards men who aren’t as ambitious explains why you’ll have a hard time with both alphas and betas – even though one is clearly a better fit for you than the other.

  12. 12
    Jakob

    Very good article as always!

  13. 13
    Stacy

    Evan,

    Some alpha males actually like having relationship with their equals. They take comfort in knowing that the woman is not after their money and they would have the safety net of another income, they like having a sounding board, and enjoy being intellectually stimulated. These men do exist :) I don’t know how rare they are, but I seem to be able to find them on a regular basis, so I’d say they’re not endangered species.

    I would also like to challenge your premise that alpha males run away from women that they see as “difficult”. In my experience, an average MAW (model-actress-whatever) is just as difficult and high maintenance, if not more, than an average female MBA or JD :) So when men choose those women, its definitely not for their nice character. There’s a difference between being “difficult” and being a ball-buster. Men LOVE difficult women and they HATE ballbusters.

    Also, when you’re asking women to change the kind of men they’re looking for as opposed to changing themselves… guess what, changing the kind of men you want IS changing yourself, i don’t see it any other way quite honestly.

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re my perfect foil, Stacy, because you’re making all the false arguments that thousands of other women have made in defense of their attempts to hold out for only the most desirable men.

      To wit:

      1. Your assumption that my wife isn’t my equal is false. We bring different strengths to the table, but we’re certainly equal. In fact, she’s superior to me in many ways: she’s more generous, she’s more patient, she’s got a better eye for detail, she gets along with everyone, she’s amazing at making people feel good, she’s more organized, etc. If you think that “equal” means: I went to Harvard, he went to Yale. I make $300K, he should make $350K, you’re still focusing on superficial similarities instead of true personality compatibility.

      2. Just because a man doesn’t make more than you doesn’t mean he’s poor. Just because a man doesn’t desire a C-level career doesn’t mean he’s stupid. These are false equivalents that women like you draw to make their case, except it’s not a real case. I’m constantly relying on my wife as a sounding board, and just because she doesn’t want to own her own business doesn’t mean she’s devoid of understanding the needs of my clients.

      3. You’re right in that plenty of alpha males are attracted to alpha females. I was one of them. The relationships never worked. We were too similar – too arrogant, too busy, too bossy – to make up for our considerable attraction and similarities. And I’ll bet that if you look at your life, you’ll see a lot of evidence of this being the case as well.

      4. Who the hell said that the alternative to a high-powered attorney clocking 2200 billable hours a year was a model? Huh? My wife is an international event planner who has been traveling the world for 17 years putting together five star vacations for corporations. She’s competent, she’s cultured, she’s bright – and she never had any desire to own the company because she prefers better work/life balance. Find a guy – like my sister did – who is well-read, kind, hard working and makes over $75K, and you can continue to be the JD/MBA/Queen of the World. He can carry his weight just fine.

      5. I chose a different type of woman because my first 300 dates taught me that looking for the female version of myself (perhaps you, Stacy?) was a failed strategy. I’m very happily married now. And I promise that if you want to find a cute, bright, successful man who’s greatest quality is his ability to put up with you, you can be, too. If you hold out for the Wall St. bad boy with the expense account, the travel and the private jet, you will have a rough go of things.

      6. Men don’t LOVE difficult women. We PUT UP with difficult women because of other desirable traits they have. In my experience, this is often a mistake. Really, it doesn’t matter how smart or hot she is; most GOOD men prefer less drama at home. The guys who tolerate the bitchy model are not really men that I’d want to emulate, nor would you want to date them, so they don’t count for much.

      If you look at all my points which dissect your last post, you’ll notice a pattern: all or nothing thinking. Your belief that a man is either chief of cardiac surgery at Sloan Kettering or a busker playing for quarters in the subway is going to cause you a lot of pain. MOST men are in between. Find one of them and you have a chance at being happy.

      With love and respect,

      Evan

  14. 14
    Goldie

    @ #11, I find that I am on neither side. I grew up with a pair of strict parents who always knew what was best for me (luckily, I left for college and then relocated for work before we could all strangle each other). Then I spent almost 20 years in a dysfunctional marriage. Towards the end, I was pretty much running the household and making all of the decisions, while simultaneously trying to convince my ex that he was the one in charge. Very weird. What I learned from all that is, in a relationship between two adults, I don’t want to be in total control of the other person (I already have a dog, thanks), but neither do I want anyone to be in total control of me. Anytime a guy tries to treat me like a child and tell me what I *really* want, I feel my hackles rising! Instead, I am looking for an egalitarian relationship where we make most of our decisions together. Many of my friends have that kind of relationship with their spouses, so I believe it’s possible. Then again, I have never claimed to be an alpha, and am not looking for an alpha, so maybe the post doesn’t apply to people like myself…
     
    @Evan #12: there are betas and then there are omegas. Stacy’s description of her “complement” sounds more like an omega, which I’m sure does not apply to your wife. These guys do exist; I’ve dated them; I have very little tolerance for them.

  15. 15
    Shelley

    Dearest Evan,

    You are amazingly refreshing. I love what you have to say, about male female interactions. Your analogy of describing me and half the women who read your blog as “dragon slayers” is a trip! I often feel that is what I do on a daily basis as a single mom of three and CEO of a Non-profit. 

    The only comment that I have for you that is hugely missed here (and maybe I am speaking for myself)  that is not taken into account in all of your amazing love advice is that most of us hard working single women are accustomed to a way of life that although like in my case not the most glamorous (I would love to see a single mom describe herself as the queen of glamour) it is comfortable and secure. 

    As women, you know we want to feel secure. I don’t need my man to make 100K (heck I don’t even make that) yet I want my man to be comfortable taking care of himself so that if we join lives we become a team and I don’t become the financial “sugar momma”. 

    Many B-Type males tend to be intimidated at women that can care for themselves, and many men that I have come in contact with that fall under that category of complimentary wonder if they can live up to my lifestyle.

    It would be interesting to see how you’d recommend addressing such touchy subjects of feeling that your man can take care of you when he doesn’t see life and work as the priority you do and how you can find that happy medium and confidence level women like me need to make the jump to the type B compliment type. 

    Thanks for all you do for us! You rock!

    Hugs to you and your family.

    Shelley 

  16. 16
    Michele

    Hi
    I enjoy your video posts & am a recent follower :).

    I think it’s very confusing, to some degree, to figure out “who you are” & “who you’re suppose to be”. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it.

    I’m divorced almost 3 glorious years & spent 12 years with my ex-husband. We both have very alpha personalities. I have always had a good career & made a compatible salary. As much as he liked the fact that I made a good salary he was intimidated that I was a strong woman (something I recognize now as HIS problem not mine). Yes, it is my problem in that fact that I did choose to stay with him. I have to say though that someone else’s insecurities don’t have to be my problem.Although outside my work environment I am naturally very nurturing, caring & a bit of a mush LOL, he never made me feel it was OK to express myself. As a result I spent most of my relationship with him not nurturing me.

    I think just as we, as women, have to find someone who complements & balances ourselves, men need to be secure in who they are also. Finding an alpha man is easy, it’s finding someone who’s truly secure with themselves that’s hard. Someone who lets you lead the dance too.

    I’ve worked with very successful women who are married to laborers, etc, & they have great relationships. Their husbands help with the kids when they travel, come meet them for lunch, etc. When I was younger I used to think what in the world are these women thinking being with someone who isn’t equal to them. I have since changed my opinion… being older & much wiser I realize that it’s not about the things you own it’s about who you are. I think it says alot about a man’s character that he can be so secure with himself & his relationship to say.. it’s OK that my wife makes more money & I contribute in other ways. It’s all about changing society’s perpsective of what’s acceptable. Fifty years ago no one would ever question why a woman was home while her husband was at work. The world has changed quite a bit & it’s about time that we change our views on relationships also. Women are empowered to do anything from being a stay at home mom to building empires what does it matter what the man standing next to you does for a living. It doesn’t change who we are & what we feel are our priorities.

    My dad always uses the analogy that relationships are like walking & carrying a ball. He says sometimes you carry the ball, sometimes he carries the ball & sometimes you both carry it. In the end it’s finding someone who’ll accept you & love you for who you are (good & bad).

  17. 17
    Stacy

    Oh Evan,  I see what you mean by saying that you’re difficult (kidding.. kinda) :) 
     
    1. I never said that your wife wasn’t your equal. I don’t know either of you personally

    2. I have never made such statements either… poor can be viewed in absolute or relative terms though. NY and LA are weired places that way. People who would be considered quite accomplished anywhere else in the country feel “poor” here. Hence while I understand that a person is not poor by the US Dept. of Labor measures, he/she definitely looks “poor” relative to the successful finance/entertainment crowd

    3. Ok, here is where I really have a bone to pick with you. You draw upon your personal experience of failed power couples relationship to advise women to not seek such relationships. However, those relationships that you had could have worked, had the women stepped back a little and let YOU be the leader you wanted to be. You couldn’t control it as it was up to those women, but since you’re giving advice to this very same women now, wouldn’t it be more logical to advise them to soften up a little? Act more feminine with their men? Learn to step back?

    4. Good for you!

    5. Again, good for you. I just don’t understand why you seem to think that a successful man and a man who’s able to “put up with me” are mutually exclusive. They’re not. Trust me.

    6. Here’ I beg to differ. Men love-love-love drama. May be we have a special neurotic breed here in NYC. Drama is what keeps ‘em going, what keeps them on their toes and makes them want the woman even more. Again, YMMV – just my experience.

    7. All or nothing thinking – guilty as charged. I do have it, and I’ll tell you what lies in between  – boredom. Men that inspire no passion. Men wrapped up in their little lives not daring to stick their head out. Men who have never taken risk. Men who don’t know how to take charge. Being with one of them will not make me happy.

    P.S. I think you should add firefighters, police detectives and military guys to your list of “alpha-occupations”. Erin Callan, once one of the most influential women in finance, is married to a fire fighter for example (and her first marriage was to a banker, go figure)

  18. 18
    Abigail

    Evan, you are a successful relationship expert giving advice to and empathizing with women.  What makes you think you are an alpha male? 

    1. 18.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Abigail – I know I already made this about me, which was not my intention. I merely wanted to illustrate that to get different results, you have to make different choices. I did and now I’m evangelical about such choices.

      Am I a pure alpha male? No. But that’s more a matter of choice and many years of self-help/coaching/training that allow me not to indulge my worst tendencies. But do I possess most of the qualities that my clients seek in men? Yep. Smart, strong, successful, ambitious, driven, opinionated, interesting, arrogant, difficult, impatient, busy, petulant, narcissistic, flirtatious, charming, insatiable, blahblahblah. All the good, all the bad, all wrapped up in one. Probably just a better communicator and more empathetic/understanding of women than most typical alphas.

      However, since I want to be a great husband/father, I don’t work nights, I don’t work weekends and I don’t take clients on Fridays. And I apologize, all the time, for being the way I am. My wife accepts me and we get along famously.

      Previous alpha girlfriends either told me to change or dumped me. You can see why I prefer my later choices.

  19. 19
    Rita

    Evan, you said:
    “Men are looking for someone who makes his life better, simply by being optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun. It’s a completely different energy from your ability to slay dragons in the workplace.”
    I think what many women forget about when they are dating/seeking relationships is the “optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun”….I am a Type A personality, on the color test, my color is Red all the way with a bit of yellow in it…the man I found is laid back, easy going…doesn’t like conflicts…while I’m a go-getter, retired military, psych major at age 48, he enjoys the job he’s had for the past 20 years…he enjoys the traveling that is involved…we are both independent, so that works for us…
    Here’s the most important thing though…in school, I have a 3.9 GPA, with him (when I DO get to see him) I can’t HELP but be fun, flirty and silly…I think that makes me sexy to him and him being fun, flirty and silly makes him sexy to ME…I’ve always believed that as long as you’re having FUN in a relationship about 80% of the time, it’s great…when the fun factor goes down below 50% it’s time to let it go and move on..with my b/f, I have had fun about 90% of the time for the past 2 years…
     

  20. 20
    Former Intern =))

    Hi Evan!

    As usual, your advice is totally on the money!  In my first marriage, I was married to the penultimate alpha male, and it was pure hell!  During our marriage, he started his own multi-million dollar company, but it always came before me and our kids.  He was emotionally abusive and had to be in control of everything.  The best decision I ever made was to ask him to leave and then file for divorce.

    As your former intern, I had the opportunity to read incoming emails and all your upcoming blog posts.  It really helped me think about what I was doing with my dating life, and I decided to change the type of man I was looking to date.  Previously, because I have an Ivy League degree and a Master’s degree, a four year college education was a mandatory requirement for anyone I dated.  After reading your sage advice, I deleted that requirement, and lo and behold, found my now husband!

    And just because he went to trade school rather than college, it is NOT a reflection of his intelligence; unfortunately, it is a reflection of finances at the time.  He is extremely bright–in fact, much more knowledgeable on current events than I can ever hope to be!  He is nurturing, funny, and not afraid to show his sensitive side.  And every day, he lets me know how much he loves me.  

    I am extremely blessed to have been married to him for 10 months now and have two wonderful “bonus” children as a result.  My two sons love him and seek his advice frequently. 

    Thank you, Evan!!  Without your wonderful advice, I may very well have missed out on my perfect match!!! 

  21. 21
    yulia

    Evan,

    I would agree with you that alpha-males tend to like less ambitious women, but lately I tend to run into alphas (men) who divoreced omegas because of omage’s lack of ambitions/lazyness/inability to share alpha’s passions. They complained that their wifees prepared them 5-course meals (you’d think it is a an every man’s dream, right?) however did not have any aspirations, dreams…..also why would success and being driven would equalize in being difficult and drama in your opinion? I am a rational and successfull and opininated woman. But least drama possible. All drama i observe in relationships is coming from full time housewifes and women who DONT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT – actresses, waitresses, interior designers…etc. Because they can not fulfill their “bitchy” tendencies at work – they do it with their guys within relationships. And i know sooooo many sucessfull guys who dpnt want to be primary decision-makers in their households so their less accomplished spouses rule parade at home. Are these guys alpha males in your opinion? Alpha/omega hybrids? What you propose here is basically EASIEST way – yin and yang compatability.EASY IS GOOD? NO! EASY IS EASY!

  22. 22
    Michael

    I agree with everything you said Evan. The qualities you mention are exactly what men want.

    The discussion of the alpha-male/beta-male distinction is too extreme, ladies. Some lawyers are only 5’8″, some men 6′ tall men dropped out of law school but have an otherwise successful shoe store. Some public interest lawyers do amazingly brilliant work but don’t make a lot of money. There needs to be an acceptance of the territory between B and A, the B+ to A- range. Then, it’s up to you which qualities, in which combination, work. 

    If an Alpha-female is anything like an Alpha-male, maybe she needs exactly those qualities in a partner that an Alpha-male wants. So, why adopt only part of the Alpha-male persona? Study the Alpha-male and perhaps seek not only what he wants in a career, but what he wants in a partner too. Isn’t that what Evan is saying?

  23. 23
    nathan

    Stacy. I’m a man. I don’t love drama at all. Nor do I think being difficult is attractive. And I know I’m not alone in this. It sounds to me like it’s you who loves drama. And finds men who aren’t stirring it up or lapping it up “boring.” Which says more about you than any of us frankly.

    Michele wrote: “being older & much wiser I realize that it’s not about the things you own it’s about who you are. I think it says alot about a man’s character that he can be so secure with himself & his relationship to say.. it’s OK that my wife makes more money & I contribute in other ways.” So true. You’re totally on here.
     
    Also, as an aside, I have always found the alpha/beta distinctions simplistic. Seems to me that most of us fall along a continuum, displaying different sets of behaviors and traits at different times or in different situations. Those who actually manifest the extremes on either end of alpha/beta are probably the most challenging to be partners with.
     

  24. 24
    Deaf singles

    It’s hard to solve the “doing the same thing over and over again” dilemma, because, like you say, we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to. I really like the idea though of bringing some analytic skill to bear on love and not just leaving it in the hands of “blind love”, which has always been the worst kind for me. There must be a balance point between the heart and the mind, no?

  25. 25
    Margo

    Evan, this one is good, like the others. :) You’re right on the money. I need a man that greets me at the door in nothing but a bathrobe with bare feet. Then he leads me to the couch where he offers and proceeds to rub my feet. To top if all off, there’s a casserole waiting on the stove when he’s done massaging my feet. :)

  26. 26
    Margo

    Oops, I almost forgot: the party really starts when he unties his bathrobe after dinner. ;) lol.
    @Nathan #26, I also agree that most of us fall along a continuum when it comes to alpha/beta personalities, and that the most difficult to deal with are those at the extremes. For instance, I once briefly dated this alpha male. He was extemely good-looking, but extremely alpha. Worhshipped his job, felt a need to be right as often as possible, and was extremely judgemental-even with his friends.

  27. 27
    Tami

    I’m confused.  I do all of those things that you mentioned when I’m with this alpha male I like, and who claims to always have fun with me and is very attracted to me but he doesn’t pursue me.  We only see each other when we run into each other randomly.  What am I doing wrong?  I get the feeling that it has nothing to do with me.  It’s just bad timing?  Or is that an excuse?  He’s a huge workoholic, busy with his full time job and two side businesses.  He’s told a mutual friend that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone now.  Yet, I can’t help but think that if I wait patiently, he’ll come around.  We’re both 34, living in the “sex capital” of Israel (Tel-Aviv).  I’m not waiting around for him, but I do want to know if I’d be doing the wrong move if I initiate spending time together in the near future.  Thanks!  (And great book!)

    1. 27.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      He’s told a mutual friend that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with anyone now.

      What part of this is confusing? He’s a BAD relationship bet. Move along.

  28. 28
    Monique

    What a wonderful sequence of comments.
    Would you describe being an Alpha male or female similiar to living out of one’s head rather than living from their heart and being?
     

    1. 28.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Hey Monique – good to see you here! I’ve never thought about it like that, but I suppose there’s some truth to it. Being Alpha, if I think about it, is not a very empathetic worldview… it’s more about the pursuit of one’s own goals and achievements… probably a bit more ego-based. This is not to say that there aren’t a tremendous amount of alphas who give to charity, or love their friends, or do nice things for their partners, but alphas can represent a worldview that values achievement over connection – not a great combination when you’re trying to find a long-term partner. Self-aware alphas have to temper this trait if they’re going to be any kind of decent partner – otherwise the triathlon, the business trip, and the pursuit of more impressive partners always wins out…

  29. 29
    jack

    Rare is the person who can corral their impulses and appetites and pursue what is good for them than rather than what “feels” right.
     
    It amazes me how many women experience failure after failure to have a workable relationship, even as they insist that their “type” is right for them.
     
    Once again, statistics tells us the outcome: There are nowhere near as many alpha males as their are women who want one. This is the reason for “he-won’t-commit” complaints.
     
    Sure, the top 15-20% most attractive males are sorting through probably 50-60% of the women. These men will be highly selective. The endless parade of women presenting themselves for consideration makes them even more hesitant.
     
    Too many women seek the ego validation of being selected by a man who has many, many options. I’m sure it is very pleasing to have won out in such a tournament, but the odds are very low that any individual woman will land such a man.
     
    The rest will continue to circle and recycle (or be recycled by, more likely) the ever-dwindling supply of alphas. The good alphas marry. The bad ones are players.
     
     
     

  30. 30
    jack

    “Alpha” is defined by most people as someone who is highly desirable to the opposite sex.
     
    This is why a hard charging corporate CEO female millionaire is not “alpha” in the dating market unless she is highly sexually desirable.
     
    Men and women find different things sexy. An physically unattractive man who is rich and powerful can still be alpha.
     
    A hot, sweet, fun, 21-year old college cheerleader is female alpha. Even if she makes minimum wage. Men are not sexually attracted to status to the degree women are.

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