Dec10

Why Does My Older Boyfriend Kick Me Out Before His Kids Wake Up? Give Me Some Relationship Advice!

07:17 am on Dec 10th 2009 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

41 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

41 Responses to “Why Does My Older Boyfriend Kick Me Out Before His Kids Wake Up? Give Me Some Relationship Advice!”

1. Jennifer Dec 10th 2009 at 07:42 am 1

   Evan, I thought she said that she *had* met his sons, he just doesn’t want them to see her there in the morning?

   I get why the dad does that and all but it’d bug me too. That’s one of the problems of dating people with kids (particularly if you don’t have any).

2. Leftos Dec 10th 2009 at 07:49 am 2

   We’ve had similar posts on our site as well.  Most of our users have had the same insights as Evan.  These situations are tough to gage.  Evan is most likely right when he says you are better off looking for someone your own age that is crazy about you.  Why waste your time on a man who isn’t making you feel wanted or special.  The greatest thing about being with someone is that you are with them and they make you feel good about yourself and special.  If you don’t completely feel that way, then our users will tell you that you are most likely better off looking in other places for true love. Feel free to check out some more insights from our users.  Evan is a master at this stuff but it’s sometimes nice to hear what other people who have gone through similar situations have done.  GoodLuck!

3. Helen Dec 10th 2009 at 07:59 am 3

   I agree with Evan. If he’s not calling you his girlfriend, he just wants you for booty calls and for little else.

   As Steve Harvey wrote in his recent book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,” a man who is in it all the way with you will find some way to label you in front of others: his girlfriend, his sweetie, his lady. If he just introduces you as, “This is… Megean,” you should be thinking, “This is going nowhere.”

4. Honey Dec 10th 2009 at 08:21 am 4

   This is a little confusing because Evan’s advice says not to be too insulted that she hasn’t met the sons, but she says she has been introduced to them – the guy just doesn’t want them to see her in the morning.  If he’s trying to promote conservative sexual values, that makes sense to me.  Or am I missing something?

   I do think to not call her his girlfriend after 4 months is taking it a little slow – maybe he doesn’t want to do it in front of the sons (for any of the reasons Evan mentions) but to not do it in front of friends?  That would make me feel crummy, too.  Though I’m not sure the best way to handle it…

5. Joe Dec 10th 2009 at 08:44 am 5

   EMK said:
   I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.

   Huh? Didn’t Meagan already say she and the sons have been introduced?  What’s not clear is whether or not she and the father hang out with the kids together.

   Maybe the guy wants to sleep with Meagan but also wants to try to be an example for this sons, and (foolishly) thinks if he hustles her out of the house before the boys wake up they won’t know he’s boinking her.

   Maybe he really does like her, but is ambivalent about getting into something long-term with someone that much younger.

6. eephot Dec 10th 2009 at 09:19 am 6

   Evan,

   It seems like you wrote this on autopilot: 
    Instead of “I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son,” I think she said that she already MET both sons (“we have been introduced to each other”).  I liked everything you said about the complexity of blending families, but my prognosis wouldn’t be as pessimistic as yours.

7. Evan Marc Katz Dec 10th 2009 at 09:39 am 7

   Mea culpa. The advice stands, but I did make a mistake. Thanks to those who pointed it out.

8. Steve Dec 10th 2009 at 10:11 am 8

   Meagan;
    
   Evan may be right.  This may not be about you personally, but rather about your BF feeling awkward with his young girlfriend being around his family and his friends.
    
   That *may* be a legitimate concern, but regardless, I don’t think you should settle for being treated like a second class person in your BF’s  life.
    
   You have only been dating him for 4 months.   You are 25.  You have nothing but options and opportunities.    Find a new BF.
    

9. Steve Dec 10th 2009 at 10:16 am 9

   @Honey #4
    
   – the guy just doesn’t want them to see her in the morning.  If he’s trying to promote conservative sexual values, that makes sense to me.
    
   If the BF is trying to promote conservative sexual values, then he is being a hypocrite by having premarital sex.
    
    
    

10. Honey Dec 10th 2009 at 10:45 am 10

    @ Steve, I have yet to meet a single parent anywhere that is completely honest about their personal sexual values – the default is to promote the conservative status quo while living the lifestyle of serial monogamy.

    I could never do that (i.e., if Jake and I had kids then I’d say, your dad lost his virginity when he was 15, I lost mine when I was 18, and each of us had 20 or so sexual  partners prior to meeting each other).  The social judgment that I can imagine incurring from other parents (since I’d also be honest with anyone else’s child who asked me) is part of the reason I don’t want to have kids.  I don’t want a child forcing me to become a hypocrite, and I don’t see any other option.

11. Steve Dec 10th 2009 at 11:24 am 11

    Teenagers are not dumb and they are rather unforgiving with hypocrisy.
     
    If Meagan’s boyfriend thinks that his teenage sons are unaware of their father having sex with Meagan in their house he is in for a shock.
     
    Her BF is teaching his sons to not respect him and to not respect the women they may someday date.
     
     

12. Shalini Dec 10th 2009 at 12:02 pm 12

    I am not too experienced.. but if i was this guys teenage daughter even i would not like to see a girl other than my mother going out of the house in the morning!! So there is really nothing to take personally about that.
    But as everyone said not calling you his GF in front of his friends can have no reason except that he does not want anything long term with you. It seems he is just out to have fun. You should leave this guy.

13. Diana Dec 10th 2009 at 12:42 pm 13

    Aside from not being introduced as his girlfriend, I couldn’t find anything in her letter that made it clear he has even privately acknowledged to her that he thinks of her as his girlfriend. I think he either hasn’t crossed that threshold in his mind and/or he feels a little embarrassed introducing as his girlfriend because of their age difference. She could also look younger than 25, and of course, he could look older than 39.
     
    Regardless, I think they need to communicate clearly whether she’s his girlfriend or not. If she is, then he needs to man up and introduce her as such or if he doesn’t, does she really want to deal with his insecurities about them?
     
    As for leaving before the boys get up, the teens may or may not know. I wouldn’t take this personally, but I wouldn’t sleep over when there are children either.

14. JerseyGirl Dec 10th 2009 at 02:01 pm 14

    She can do better then some 39 year old with teen kids. I hope she does.

15. JB Dec 10th 2009 at 02:59 pm 15

    No 25 yr.old woman should be dating any 39 yr.old man with kids and certainly not be sleeping over when they are around Itdoesn’t matter how old they are or if you’ve met them and they love you. Like someone above me said at her age she has a bazillion men without kids to chose from. Happy hunting.

16. Sayanta Dec 10th 2009 at 04:07 pm 16

    #14-#15-

    Thank you!!! I have a friend in the same situation- an attractive 27 year old classical musician who’s dating a bald 40-year-old dude who drives a  truck and has three kids AND a psychotic ex-wife. I tell her she can do better, but she seems to think that’s the best she can do. What’s the world coming to?

17. Jennifer Dec 10th 2009 at 04:29 pm 17

    Honey #10
    Those numbers and ages sound reasonable to me. I can’t imagine a lot of dropped jaws over that (I’d hope anyway!)

    Steve #11
    I agree. The show the father is putting on for his sons is pointless.  I’d love it if they called him out one day ‘Does Meagan work really far away or something? She’s always gone before breakfast’ LOL!

18. Sayanta Dec 10th 2009 at 05:27 pm 18

    I think it’s perfectly fine for the father to be doing this- he’s putting his children’s feelings first- something most Americans have forgotten to do.

19. Michael Dec 10th 2009 at 05:27 pm 19

    She should dump him.

    She is clearly not ready to date someone with kids. And why is she sleeping over at his place instead of hers?

20. Steve Dec 10th 2009 at 06:03 pm 20

    @Sayanta #18
     
    Really?
     
    If someone was sleeping over and having sex with someone in your home you wouldn’t know?
     
    All his father is accomplishing by giving Meagan the bum’s rush is making his legitimate desires for sex and companionship look dirty.
     
     

21. A-L Dec 10th 2009 at 08:34 pm 21

    RE: Steve’s #20
     
    As far as I know, my parents had sex twice in my (near) lifetime.  Once when I was conceived, and once when I had the misfortune of walking in on them.  They divorced when I left for college, but I remain firm in my belief.  And I definitely plan on keeping it that way.
     
    I see no reason why kids might feel similarly inclined to disbelieve that their parents have sex, even with others.  But having Meagan around in the morning makes it pretty impossible to keep believing that there’s no sex going on.

22. Shalini Dec 11th 2009 at 03:51 am 22

    @ A-L
    yes.. obviously.  No kid wants to know or realise their prents have sex. I dont see anything wrong with not wanting to realise that. Its really no big deal.
    U dont have to be a parent with kids to realise that. You just have to think if you would like to imagine such things about your own parents.
    The only issue here is that it’s really strange to not introduce her as his gf after 4 months and everything. I would certainly be bothered about that specially if all my own friends know the guy is my boy friend.

23. downtowngal Dec 11th 2009 at 05:30 am 23

    I don’t think this has as much to do with the guy protecting his kids as he’s just using her for sex.  And he doesn’t sound like a nice guy. 

    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life

    (2) when asked, he plays this game turning it around on her that SHE has to first introduce him to her friends

    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning.  I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment (which I presume is an issue w OP otherwis she wouldn’t be writing EMK)

    (4) also, when asked, what’s up with his response about considering if there are kids – WTF??? 

    Doesn’t sound as if this guy cares about her needs.  OP, sure he enjoys being w you and seems like a great guy, but he’s not treating you well.  If he saw you as LTR potential he would have introduced you to his kids BEFORE allowing you to stay over.

24. downtowngal Dec 11th 2009 at 05:33 am 24

    Also, I disagree that he’s protecting his kids.  I’m sure they hear things in the middle of the night, and may have bumped into her at one point.  If he’s really that concerned about protecting his kids they’d stay over at her place or get a hotel.

    If  he’s home because he doesn’t want to leave the kids alone, then what’s gonna happen if one of them wakes up in the middle of the night and needs daddy?  Oh, sorry, kid,  the door’s locked, please wait while daddy asks his ‘gal pal’ to hide in the closet.

    A woman his own age wouldn’t put up with this crap.

25. Jennifer Dec 11th 2009 at 06:12 am 25

    Some people may be bothered by the thought of their parents having sex (with others or with each other) but not everyone is. I would think the tendency to bothered by this would lessen with age, and his kids are teenagers.

26. Joe Dec 11th 2009 at 10:47 am 26

    Michael sez:
    She is clearly not ready to date someone with kids. And why is she sleeping over at his place instead of hers?
    Well, “teenage” encompasses everything from 13 to 19.  If the boys were 18 and 19, leaving them home alone to sleep over at Meagan’s place would be no big deal.  If they’re 13 and 14, it’s a bit more of an issue.

    downtowgal sez:
    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life
    and
    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning.  I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment

    Reading for comprehension!  He hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life as his girlfriend.  And he’s already introduced her to the kids.

27. Robyn Dec 11th 2009 at 10:49 am 27

    Dear Meagan,

    If a guy is not introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend, then you are not his girlfriend.
     i.e. you are his current squeeze / convenient sh_g. Nothing more.
    The fact that he is hustling you out of the house before the kids wake up is a huge red flag / “convenient sh_g” indicator. (Trust me on this – I’ve been thru it myself!).

    If he is not prepared to have you stay over and be at the breakfast table the next morning, you should not be staying over. Period.
    If you want him in your bed overnight, then he should stay over with you at your place, or you should get a hotel room.

    But seriously, why bother? Yyou can do a lot better than this guy!
    At 25 you are in the prime of your life looks-wise, and you sound like a really sweet gal – I’m sure there are lots of guys closer to your own age that are single and would love to have you be at their breakfast table on a Sunday morning.

    Dump this chump & go get yourself a real sweetie, Girl!

28. JB Dec 11th 2009 at 02:17 pm 28

    @Sayanta #16:” An attractive 27 yr.old classical musician” “dating a bald 40 yr. old dude who drives a truck with 3 kids and a psychotic ex-wife” …..lol Too funny!! Does he have a beer belly,70’s porn star mustache, and a hairy chest too?? Ewwww!!

    Out of curiosity…..just where does a bald 40yr.old truck driver MEET a “27 yr.old classical musician”?? Oh wait…don’t tell me….
    She met him on Dateatrucker.com??

    Of course this is just the value of what each of them do for a living and thier respective ages and not putting what they look like into the equation. Not that it matters so much here but it’s tough on this blog sometimes when scenarios are questioned but we have NO idea what the people were talking about actually look like for a frame of reference.

29. Shalini Dec 12th 2009 at 02:17 am 29

    @ downtown girl
    i think you need to calm down.. u seem to be angry.  No one said the guy is not using her for sex..
    but i think u r blowing up the issue about the kids.

30. Selena Dec 12th 2009 at 06:15 am 30

    My take is he’s not sure where this might go, how long it might last. Hence the hesitation of introducing Meagan as his girlfriend and having her “part of the family” in the morning.

    Because of the age difference, he may think she will be the one to move on fairly quickly – as many of you have suggested – and is being somewhat protective accordingly.

31. downtowngal Dec 12th 2009 at 12:34 pm 31

    Shalini #29, I’m not angry, I’m just calling it as I see it.  I don’t think the issue is w the kids, it’s him.  OP referring to this guy as he BF, yet he’s sleeping w her after 4 months and not even considering her his GF, and kicks her out of bed in the morning.  If he wanted her more in his life I doubt he’d be treating her this way.

32. Anette C Dec 12th 2009 at 06:03 pm 32

    A good friend of mine once told me(hes a relationship counscelor), if you want to know wether or not a man really cares for you, stop sleeping with him.(or better yet, don’t start too early)

    Now I’m not one into sexual games(in the bad way..hehe), but in many way’s my friend is actually right(and the main reason I won’t be with some-one phyiscally for a while, during our initial dating stage). Some men simply view sex differently. They will treat it casual, treat the relationship casually. It doesn’t mean they are being “disrespectful” toward you, its simply the way THEY view sex(and they don’t get why women view it differently nor do they try and understand that).

    If you are in a situation with a guy like this, then I’m afraid the only way you would know(espcially when he’s not calling you his GF), is to stop sleeping with him.

    A 39 year old man, being with a 24 isn’t necessarily in it in a casual way, but the age factor would be of concern to him also, which is why he would take quite some time to determine if you are really the right one for him. He is also quite intoxicating to young women, who aren’t used to the confidence, and “maturity”(a certain kind anyway) of an older man.  I’m usually pretty disgusted by older men that go for young women. Your life stages are too different, and most of the time I just see it as being a bit selfish.

    Anyway, my 2c’s.

33. Steve Dec 13th 2009 at 04:52 am 33

    I didn’t see downtowngals comment in #24 as being uptight.

34. AMR Dec 13th 2009 at 05:08 pm 34

    I agree with Anette. If your instincts aren’t telling you “run screaming for the hills”. then you should just stop sleeping over. 

    Also, I would start dating other people while seeing him. Tell him he’s great, blah blah blah, but that you are young and want to explore your options as well. If he can’t give you a commitment, hey, thats his deal. You, as a 25 year old with an open mind (open enough to date someone with teenagers), have about a million dating options.

    If he gets upset by this idea, he will do what he needs to and make things more official. If he doesn’t, you will other men who will give you what you want.

    Dating someone with kids requires a lot of effort. I’m not saying it isn’t worthwhile. My bf is 10 years older (I’m 27) and has 2 teenagers. Not the relationship I EVER imagined myself in, but it works. At times, it has been exhausting. Thinking about the age difference, the relatives reactions, the ex-wife, if the kids would accept me, if i would like them, what our future would be (a dude with 2 kids may not be interested in having more), etc, has caused a lot of stress. The point is, the situation you are 4 months into is NOT an easy one. Finding someone without all these fun added “bonuses” may be the way to go.

35. Sayanta Dec 13th 2009 at 05:58 pm 35

    #24, Downtown-

    Yeah, I didn’t see your post as angry at all. I’m not sure how or why it’s being interpreted that way.

36. Aj Dec 13th 2009 at 09:29 pm 36

    I understand the out before the kids wake up.  The age difference is no big deal.  I know some hot 40 year olds and some tired 27 year olds so you never know.  

37. MeetMeinOtrSPce Dec 13th 2009 at 09:53 pm 37

    Sure seems like he’s using her, and for that matter if he cared about his teenagers he’d show a good example of how to treat a woman. You definitely don’t have them stay over for the night and shove them out the door first thing in the morning. It’s not like they don’t know about his relationship(as in her staying over and acting like they don’t know. I get that she has met his children.) with her, they’re not toddlers. I don’t really see how he’s protecting his children here. I feel like he’s just being naive, and if I’m completely wrong here and he’s a decent guy by doing what he does. Then I’d still respectfully decline and move on to someone who wants me around in the morning. That’s what I’d do. I’d be furious if I was the OP.

38. Selena Dec 14th 2009 at 03:06 am 38

    Why not just talk to him about how all this bothers you instead of writing a dating coach? How are you going to know how he really feels about you if you don’t discuss it?

    He doesn’t want you there in the morning? Tell him you are tired of sneaking out of the house at dawn. Stop sleeping over and see what happens. Annoyed he won’t introduce you as his girlfriend? Call him on it. Ask him if this is casual to him, and should you be dating other guys. 

    I think you’ve reached the “shit or get off the pot” point with him and it’s time you both are honest with each other.

39. downtowngal Dec 14th 2009 at 05:51 pm 39

    grrrr…grrrrrrrrr…i’m angry….grrrrrrrrrrr….

40. MeetMeinOtrSPce Dec 15th 2009 at 12:43 pm 40

    downtowngal #39…. hahahahaha!!! 
     
    one more thing….
    One thing I’ve learned about dating a good guy… they listen to your concerns. They try to work them out, and they like having you around in the morning. If he’s not ready to date and do things that ENTAIL DATING; such as, having your girlfriend stay over your house and leaving the next day in attire other than what ninjas wear. Then perhaps he should consider taking care of his kids which he is so concerned about and not date. Lame….. ok. sorry. He’s too old for these boyish shenanigans.

41. Jimmy Dec 16th 2009 at 02:43 pm 41

    I say get out of this one unless you’re happy playing second fiddle forever.
    http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

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