About: Evan Marc Katz
- Full Name
- Evan Marc Katz
- About Me
- I believe that love takes effort.
- I believe that dating gets trickier as you get older.
- I believe that men and women are equal but different.
- I believe that both genders are unfair and hypocritical.
- I believe that dating is a minefield for both men and women.
- I believe that most people are good at heart, but act selfishly.
- I believe that our previous experience shapes our beliefs and actions falsely.
- I believe that most people want to find love, but think short-term instead of long-term.
- I believe that dating frustration comes from our inability to understand the opposite sex.
- I believe that we can't change the world, we can only change ourselves.
- Men sometimes don't follow up after sex.
- Men sometimes date you without wanting to make a long-term commitment.
- Men sometimes break up with you if they feel criticized, smothered, or pressured.
- If you understand men, you will have an easier time connecting with them.
- If you have very high standards, there will be fewer men "qualified" to date you.
- If only 5% of men are qualified to date you, you must go on more dates to find love than someone who is open to dating a greater percentage of the population.
- To get more dates, you have to make more time and effort to find love.
- In all relationships, there are tradeoffs and compromises.
- Compromise means assessing the traits you can and cannot accept in a partner.
- Compromise doesn't mean to settle, to give up your dreams, or to put up with poor treatment from men.
- If there's a trait you can't accept in a man, leave, because you can't change him.
- If you find fault with every single man, you risk being alone forever.
- If you would rather be alone than to make certain compromises, that's great. Nobody's judging you. But don't judge those who are willing to make those same compromises.
Hi, I'm Evan Marc Katz. I'm a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand men. I have hundreds of thousands of readers and thousands of satisfied clients who find my take on dating and relationships to be both enlightening and empowering.
I'm writing this to tell you a little bit about me, so you can better understand where I'm coming from, and how I can help you find love.
I come from a highly functional secular Jewish family in New York. My parents - my best friends - were together for 30 years before Dad died. My Mom is about the coolest person on earth. As a strong, opinionated woman, she taught me about the importance of commitment, compromise and unconditional love from a young age. The reason I dated prolifically through my 20's and 30's was not because I was a player or a commitmentphobe, but because I didn't see the point of investing time in women who I had no intention of marrying. Friends' relationships would last 2 years; mine would last 3-6 months. As such, I dated over 300 women over the course of 15 years, and learned a tremendous amount from my own failures.
Some of that knowledge was compiled into two well-reviewed books, "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating" (Ten Speed Press, 2004) and "Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad" (Plume/Penguin, 2006). The second book was my first foray into advising women exclusively, and it paved the way for me to become a dating coach who works primarily with smart, strong, successful women.
What About My Relationship?
After thousands of hours of private dating coaching, it dawned upon me, at age 35, that I was giving sound advice but wasn't listening to any of it. I was what I decried most - a hypocrite. I encouraged clients to open up, stay positive and make compromises - yet I refused to do so myself.
I hit my low point in late 2006 and realized that something had to change. It was useless for me to keep blaming women or Match.com or Los Angeles for my frustrations. I had to make different decisions in love in order to create the happiness I'd always sought.
Two months later, I met a woman who was nothing like the women I'd been dating. I was an East Coast Jewish liberal, who was book-smart, ambitious and opinionated. She was a West Coast Catholic conservative, who was people-smart, content, and easygoing.
It wasn't an obvious fit. But every time I thought I could "do better" (read: find someone who was more like me) I realized that I'd never had an easier, happier, more functional and supportive relationship in my entire life.
After all of my dating and coaching experience, I'd found the most important thing in the world: a partner who saw me the way I saw myself, accepted me at my very worst, and shared the same values, tastes, and silly sense of humor.
We were married in 2008. I am grateful every single day.
As a dating coach, I often get asked whether I'm married, as if that were a qualifier to give good relationship advice. It's not. If my wife left me tomorrow, I wouldn't suddenly forget everything I've learned. I will say, however, that having gone through the same confusion and frustration as my clients, I have a deep sympathy and respect for singles.
I don't give advice from a pedestal. I give advice from a place of experience, truth and love.
I'm not concerned with being "right." I'm only concerned that you find the relationship you deserve.
Why Coach Women?
"Men need more help. Women ask for more help."
Go to the relationship section of your local Borders. You'll see. Over 90% of self-help books are written specifically for women. Believe me, I wish I could get more men to grow and change and understand the opposite sex, but, for the most part, they don't.
This is frustrating for both of us, and is the impetus for why I give advice to women.
Because if men are not going to make the effort to understand you, the only thing you can do is make an effort to understand men.
I'm not saying this is a good thing. I'm saying that between changing the male gender and changing yourself, the latter is a much more realistic goal.
Ultimately, my advice is meant for the woman who asks the question; not for the man who is the cause of the "problem." You can either accept a man or dump a man. There's not much in between. The only questions I tackle are the ones where there's something for the original poster to learn - which usually involves her adjusting her attitude, action or perspective.
Hopefully, this explains why a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women challenges those same women so frequently. I grew up with smart, strong women, and am an advocate for feminism, equality, and proper treatment of women. My role is to give you the male perspective on dating and relationships, to let you know how to understand the behaviors of good men, and how to avoid the bad ones.
What Do I Believe?
Why Is It Up To Women To Change?
Have you ever observed that:
This isn't just something I noticed myself. This is something that you've noticed as well: men act in their own self-interests.
No matter how unfair, no matter how annoying, and no matter what we say, in 100 years, men are still going to be acting this way.
The question, therefore, is what you can do in spite of male misbehavior.
As such, I am not here to defend men, apologize for men, or make excuses for men.
I am simply here to explain men.
I am here to offer you the truth about what we're thinking, why we do what we do, and what you should expect when dating us.
When I observe that men don't always call after sex, I am not saying that it's okay.
When I observe that men are perfectly willing to date you even if they don't plan to commit, I am not condoning it.
When I observe that men don't like being criticized, micromanaged, or unintentionally emasculated, I am not saying that men are flawless in their treatment of you.
I am literally just reporting back to you what you have already noticed yourself.
And since I can't make men call, commit, or change, all I can do is tell you how to identify the undesirable ones and attract and keep the good ones.
If that's something you're open to, you'll enjoy reading my advice.
Sorry, But Your Advice Pisses Me Off, Evan.
If you feel irked by my advice, you're probably focused on one of two things:
1) It's unfair for women to have to change when men are the real problem. We've already gone over this:
I don't encourage you to tolerate a serial cheater.
I don't encourage you to put up with a stupid man who mistreats you.
I don't encourage you to date a man who doesn't want to get married.
All I said is that if a man is stupid, a cheater, or a Peter Pan, then leave him.
Complaining that men don't act the way you want is as futile as hoping that you can fly.
My advice is geared to what you can control: yourself, not what you can't control: men.
2) "I don't date awful men. I just can't find a man I like enough to marry. Why do you make it sound as if I'm doing something wrong?"
I'm not saying that at all.
There's nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing wrong with being single.
There's nothing wrong with leading a rich, fulfilling solo life.
All I've observed is that many women want to find love, but don't go on nearly enough dates to do so. This is why I am a proponent of online dating, among other means of meeting men. Dating may be flawed, but it creates more opportunity to meet single men than every other social activity in your life combined.
Once you're dating, I offer you a few observations that I feel are indisputable:
To Wrap Up:
"Wanting to reform the world without discovering one's true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes." - Ramana Maharshi
I don't give "tough love". I don't impose my opinion on how the world should be. All I do is observe how the world works - good and bad - and give you guidance on how to react. As such, I call myself a "reality-based" dating coach. If you'd rather get dating tips about a fictional world in which men always do what they say, where they never judge based on looks or age, and where you're never left wondering where you stand, you will find yourself very frustrated by what you read here. I also predict you will be very frustrated with life, which will continually disappoint you since it doesn't conform to your fantasies.
As a dating coach, I believe that knowledge is power. I believe that once you understand the realities of dating and the inner workings of the male mind, you can make informed decisions. Finally, I believe that your informed decisions will catapult your relationships to new heights - not because you'll suddenly have the power to change men, but because you'll learn to accept them in full, the way you would like to be accepted yourself.
Only from here can you build a foundation for a love that lasts a lifetime.
To get more insights that will challenge and inspire you, click here.
Connect with me on Google+ here: +Evan Marc Katz
Warmest wishes and much love.
Posts by Evan Marc Katz:
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- Men Say No to Sex More Than You Think
- What Is the Definition of Monogamy?
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- Should I Judge Him For His Last Relationship?
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