How Can I Make My Boyfriend Less Jealous?

How Can I Make My Boyfriend Less Jealous?

Dear Evan,

My boyfriend is constantly accusing me of sleeping with other guys. I am very devoted and don’t have any interest in any other guy but him. I am completely committed to him. Whenever I start to get angry with him, he starts saying he’ll just make it even and go sleep with some other girl. He needs constant feedback accounting for my time. Cheating just isn’t in my nature! I’m very satisfied with being with only him and I do love him. How can I convince him I’m not cheating?

Serenity

People project things onto others that they hate about themselves.

Dear Serenity,

You don’t convince him you’re not cheating.

You leave him, and find a guy who trusts you.

There is no other solution.

People project things onto others that they hate about themselves. A liar is concerned about you lying to him, a cheater is concerned about you cheating on him, etc. I know someone who is unethical in his business practices, and he’s the one who is always convinced that everyone else is up to a scam. It’s indicative of the way he thinks.

Trusting people, like me? It would never even occur to me that my wife would cheat on me. I guess that technically makes it easier for her to cheat on me – but really, I’m not worried about it. There’s literally NO jealousy in our relationship because we really, truly TRUST each other. So it wouldn’t occur to me to get angry if she spends an hour talking to the cutest guy at the party, and it wouldn’t occur to her to question me if I went out for a night with the guys to a strip club. The only reason for jealousy is if you don’t truly trust your partner. As such, jealousy is a wasted emotion. It doesn’t make anyone act more trustworthy and only deteriorates the fabric of your relationship.

You might be trustworthy, Serenity, but if your boyfriend doesn’t trust you now, he never will.

Let him go gently into the night, pray that he doesn’t stalk you, and get yourself a man who lets you be yourself.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Steve

    Serenity;

    Your BF’s jealousy is not your fault and is not the result of your actions. It is the result of your BF’s own head trips that you have no power to change. Only your BF can change that.

    I agree with Evan about leaving him. Do you really want to be intimate with someone who thinks so little of you?

  2. 2
    Steve

    Cheating is very prevalent these days, but I think it produces misery to dwell on it. IMHO the best thing to do is to accept the fact that it may happen to you as it happens to many other cool people. Then do what you can to make the relationship as strong as possible.

  3. 3
    Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach

    I had the same first initial reaction as Evan. If he is so convinced that you are cheating when you are not, I cannot help but think there is something in his own consciousness that is bothering him.
    Or maybe he has been terrible betrayed in the past, and is nervous that you will do the same again. In either case, I lean on agreeing with Evan that it is neither your job nor your responsibility to try to rehabilitate this guy. It is probably not only best for you, but probably best for him also for you to find someone who trusts and loves you the way you are.

  4. 4
    Teri

    To Serenity and the jealous boyfriend – I married that man and the accusations only became worse with time andI came to find out 15 years later, he had been lying and cheating on me! Even when HE was found out and begged forgiveness (and I forgave), the accusations still kept on. I agree with Evan COMPLETELY. Leave and don’t look back. I have the most wonderful boyfriend now who trusts and respects me and he is someone I trust without question as well. I can not begin to tell you how good it feels and what a difference it makes in my life. TRUST IS MONUMENTAL IN A RELATIONSHIP. If you don’t have it, it won’t work. Period.

  5. 5
    mic

    It probably has more to do with him than you. To the extent that it is you, personality (for example, friendly and outgoing) probably trumps looks, but personal style can be tweaked to seem more conservative, which people often deem as off-limits. Disclaimer: that might not be worth doing for him.

  6. 6
    Retromouth

    Evan - you really expect us to believe that your wife is comfortable with you going to strip clubs. I’m guessing you tell her you’re “just watching.” I don’t see how strip clubs would ever fit comfortably in a relationship – what wife accepts that?

  7. 7
    -NN-

    I agree – It is more than likely that the person who is jealous, is likely to be the person who cheats. Jealous person feels insecure, because that is how he would behave, if he had the chance. As he is unable to value himself, he has to prove by cheating that women still find him attractive.

    BTW – I have wondered about that one of myself. I was in Thailand last week, I could see through their scams, because I am pretty suspicious person. I never take anything with face value… Therefore would I scam people.. ?
    Nope, because I don’t want to feel bad about myself.. but I think “what is the catch here” and I see the way.
    I always think that when someone tells me something that “that what I am told is the way it could be, what the reality actually is, we shall see”.

    But I do trust people that I know.. but what strangers tell me, I take with more than a pinch of salt…. and I haven’t been scammed, since I never think that I could have a free lunch, I rather pay what the real value is.

  8. 8
    downtowngal

    Spot on, Evan. This guy sounds like like a wacko.

    Though I wonder, is there more to the story? The letter is pretty short and doesn’t include many details. This guy definitely sounds wacky but knowing this, is there something she’s doing to push his buttons? How long have they been dating….3 months and she’s just discovering this? or has this been going on for some time? She states that her BF accuses her – not of ‘seeing’ other guys but of ‘sleeping’ with them. hmmm….

  9. 9
    Ava

    This guy is exhibiting all the symptoms of a control freak. These men generally don’t get better, they get worse, because they don’t believe that there is anyting wrong with THEM. There is a strong potential for physical abuse here. This isn’t a healthy relationship; don’t let it escalate into something even worse. If he can’t trust you and doesn’t think he has a problem, get out now.

  10. 10
    Jessica

    Serenity…LEAVE HIM NOW! I also married a man like that, moved from my country to the USA to be with him…only to find out it GOT WORSE with time and I finally ended up leaving him and everything behind, back to my own country, 3 months pregnant, with no money (he had taken all I had)…to start over again. Almost 5 years later I am a single mother, poorer but wiser and living in sweet FREEDOM!

  11. 11
    Dating Down Under

    It’s purely insecurity in your boyfriend’s head. Maybe he is looking for a chance to cheat on you and is not getting it. He thinks you get all the guys to sleep with whereas he is not getting the chance. It’s him who thinks of all such things and hence feels jealous and insecured. Such men can never be true to themselves or to others.

  12. 12
    Zann

    While it’s possible your her boyfriend has been betrayed in the past and therefore has “trust issues,” what you’re describing sounds way beyond a guy who’s just become a little gun shy. I’m not a shrink, but what you’re describing sounds incredibly controlling, maybe even abusive, and a tad pathological. Who needs that in their lives? And like Teri (#4 above) said, this man’s distrust and jealousy will only increase as time goes on. Please don’t mistake his jealousy for proof of his love or his “passion,” or rationalize his crazy rantings with excuses like : “Oh, he’s just possessive (or paranoid, or enraged with jealousy) because he loves me so much.” That’s not love, that’s his own self-loathing and insecurities which, like Evan says, he wants to project onto you. And no amount of convincing, understanding, or assurances on your part are going to make any difference or prompt him to change. So, save yourself the grief and let him go get himself healed.

    And regarding strip clubs — why would any woman feel jealous or threatened if her man goes to some silly strip club with his buds once in a while? Even if I do think strip clubs are demeaning to women, I also know that they are, above all else, entertainment. It’s not like guys go there hoping to meet the woman of their dreams, nor is a stripper hoping for Mr. Right to walk in the door & wisk her away from all that. She’s there to make money; she’s not after your husband.

  13. 13
    Michael

    Nailed right on the head by Marc. Again. This is not about doing anything different to please the jealous one: it’s about him needing to “fix” himself – if it can be done.
    When I was 22, I had the jealousy bone removed from my head. It happened with two realizations: first, jealousy drove my girlfriends away (thus being a self-fulfilling emotion), and second, jealousy wasn’t simply a lack of trust, it was a lack of value and self-confidence.
    Since I had that epiphany, I’ve never been jealous (and I’ve had some flirty girlfriends), and I’ve never been cheated on. I would be sad if I found my girlfriend cheating, but I would also understand it’s her burden, not mine.

  14. 14
    dd

    Serenity,
    If I sound harsh here, it’s in hopes that it will turn your head.
    RUN, don’t walk – and don’t let this guy know which direction you’re going. Evan is right to think that he might stalk you. It would appear that he has severe emotional problems, and is messing with your heart – and head. It will change you in time, and not for the better. It may be a valuable lesson to have learned how someone like him behaves so you can avoid it in the future, but otherwise – and take it from another someone who knows – you are wasting your own valuable time being made to feel bad for no reason and you can never get that back. Do you have protected sex? Because I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s already sleeping around. Think about that. You know something is seriously wrong with the situation to have posed the question, so get going and give your love to someone who can return it. Good luck and God bless.

  15. 15
    Marc

    At best, he’s an insecure man who has no respect for you. At worst, he’s a paranoid schizophrenic. Either way, you need to dump him.

  16. 16
    Ovarianwarfare

    Yes, she should dump the guy – Trust is the number one issue in a relationship, and if it’s not there, then you will only fail. Being jealous is cute to a point, but when his jealousy affects your decisions or actions, then it’s time to leave. When you decide not to go out with your friends because you don’t want to put up with the fight, then you should move on.

    As for strip clubs, how is having another woman’s boobs in you mouth, or hands on your body, or simulating sex through heavy humping considered only “entertainment” by men. Lap dances are second base at least and cheating. Maybe the strip clubs in Texas are different than the ones in Zann’s area???

  17. 17
    Karl R

    Serenity said: (original post)
    “Whenever I start to get angry with him, he starts saying he’ll just make it even and go sleep with some other girl.”

    What makes you think he hasn’t done that already? In his mind, he’s justified in doing so.

    Evan said: (original post)
    “People project things onto others that they hate about themselves.”

    I would say that people assume that they are the norm. If I’m law-abiding, then I’ll assume that normal people are law-abiding. If I have secret sordid vices that I keep hidden from everyone, then I’ll assume that lots of other people do to.

    The university I attended had an honor code about cheating. At one point the school newspaper took a survey asking students whether they ever cheated, and what percentage of the students they thought had cheated. About 5% of the students had cheated. The cheaters believed about 25% of the students had cheated. The other students (non-cheaters) believed about 1% of the students had cheated.

    So I disagree about us projecting what we hate about ourselves onto other people. I think we project who we are onto other people.

  18. 18
    NonExist

    Evan hit the bulls eye on this one.
    My ex wife was always on my case about cheating.
    If I were a couple of minutes late from work and I called first.
    If I went out with friends and even called to check on her after I first asked her did she want to do anything that day.
    If I went to my full contact matches which she was always invited to.

    Come to find out she had cheated with several different men.
    Caught her with one and she came clean about the others.

    So Serenity should jump on her spacecraft and lightspeed away from that guy.

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