Do Men Fall in Love with Women After One Date?

Do Men Fall in Love with Women After One Date?

Evan,

I have been a fan of yours for years and have purchased many of your programs/books. I also am an avid reader of your blog and have enjoyed reading about your growth over time. Congrats on the soon to be new addition to your family! Thanks to you I do reasonably well in my dating life but recently was shocked over a conversation I had…

I met a man online and we had a nice date. He is an alpha male who seemed to still be emotionally involved with his ex so there were many red flags that had popped up for me. After talking for a few weeks after the date, he said he was concentrating on growing his business and while I was a charming woman he would like to get to know more, he didn’t feel he had time for a relationship right now. I was fine with that considering the warning bells that were going off. We remained friends and would text occasionally over the next couple of months.

We had lunch a few times. I had been looking at this as a friendship and then, yes you guessed it, he informed me I was invited over any time to have dinner and fornication. I told him I do not make a habit out of sleeping with my friends and politely declined.

A week or so later he told me he had met someone and that it felt “obvious.” I congratulated him and didn’t talk to him for 3 or so weeks. Turns out she was totally unavailable and things did not work out as he had planned. His response is what has me puzzled. He said, “Life is odd and hard to explain sometimes, but you get different vibes with different people. A small few I get a friend vibe with. A much much, much, much smaller group I get the I also trust them and would love to have sex with them! (your group, currently 1 member). Then there is the ‘I want to seriously date or partner up’ vibe. I think I felt that only twice while single, only once really strong – and that was the recent debacle that now has me jaded!”

This conversation took place a month ago and I am still pondering it in my mind. I have no desire to take things any further with him than friendship – that isn’t the problem. I have never immediately gotten an “I want to seriously date or partner up” vibe in my life! Not even with my ex-husband! Is it really that simple for men? Is their decision made after one date? I always agreed with you on the “men look for sex and find love” theory. I have almost decided this guy just trying to get me to have sex with him until someone he feels is better comes along. What do you think? –Cheryl

Cheryl,

While you (or he) might feel “in love”, these are merely feelings – feelings that correlate with a flooding of hormones in your brain – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, testosterone, etc.

Most people are unreliable reporters of reality.

We know what we feel – and then when life smacks us in the face because our feelings don’t square with reality – we experience confusion and cognitive dissonance.

A perfect example comes from Lori Gottlieb’s excellent book, “Marry Him”. When she first met my fiancé, Lori writes, “His fiancé was cute but not gorgeous. She was 39 years old and looked her age. She wasn’t impressively accomplished. She didn’t disarm people with a rapier wit. She wouldn’t stand out in any way at a dinner party. She was, objectively, rather average. And Evan was madly in love.”

Lori thought I was supposed to be with a 29-year-old, thin, Jewish, liberal, intellectual property attorney who also wrote for the Huffington Post. Someone like Lori herself – only 10 years younger. How I could have chosen my wife was a source of consternation to this bright and talented author.

“What am I missing here? Why would a guy like that choose her?”

Your guy is experiencing his own cognitive dissonance right now.

But instead of looking for answers or talking to a coach, he’s going to just accept the fact that things didn’t add up – and go on his merry way. The definition of insanity, you know.

It’s the same thing we see on this blog all the time.

People put partners into different categories based on their feelings/passion from the first few weeks of dating, instead of considering the factors that will determine long-term success: how they spend money, where they want to live, how to raise children, how to live in the same space, how to quickly get over disagreements, how to do all the little things to make a partner happy, how to accept a partners’ flaws…

These are not things you can tell from an online dating profile. These are not things you can tell on a first date. These are not things you can tell in a month. These are not things you can tell in six months.

So while you (or he) might feel “in love”, these are merely feelings – feelings that correlate with a flooding of hormones in your brain – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, testosterone, etc.

I know this isn’t the answer your question, Cheryl, but it’s more important than the answer to your question.

Being “in love” has little correlation to whether a couple lasts for the rest of their lives.

It’s about understanding how people operate and finding some measure of objectivity, instead of taking it personally.

Fact is, men do fall in love faster than women.

But who cares? There are way too many variables beyond being “in love” which are far better determining factors of longevity. Which is why I think this tangent is more universal and educational than the question you originally posed to me:

I have never immediately gotten an “I want to seriously date or partner up” vibe in my life! Not even with my ex-husband! Is it really that simple for men? Is their decision made after one date? I always agreed with you on the “men look for sex and find love” theory. I have almost decided this guy was just trying to get me to have sex with him until someone he feels is better comes along. What do you think?

Well, to your first question about falling in love at first sight, yes, it’s often really that simple. It doesn’t mean that love at first sight is wise; but it is that simple – a shot to the brain of love drugs and suddenly you can’t see things all that clearly.

And as far as the guy who wants to have sex with you until someone better comes along? Yeah, that’s about right, too.

If he were wiser, he may look closer to see if he can be himself with you, if you make him feel good when he’s with you, if you’re a fundamentally kind, selfless, easygoing person, if you share a vision of life that can be built together. But I’m guessing that he’s just like the vast majority of the population – driven by chemistry and wondering why things never seem to work out for him.

Let him go – and learn to understand and accept that this is the way many people operate in dating and relationships.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Gina

    I like that answer!  The truth is some people don’t mature emotionally and understand that there is much more to a successful union than looks and flirtation.  Of course you need an attraction to someone, but as you mature, you become more attracted to what really matters, rather than shallow, superficial things that don’t add to a solid foundation of a relationship.

  2. 2
    Heather

    I too, like that answer.

    I’ve met some guys who similar things to that, one guy told me that he was looking for “the exception to the rule” and was hoping that I would be it.  He was really good at saying the right things and acting like he was smitten before the first date, which did raise a flag for me.  And sure enough, we went on one date that ended in disaster. 

    I’m very wary of guys who say things like this fellow said to the OP, very early on.  To me it smells like either desperation, immaturity, or game-playing and I’m just wondering which of the three, if not a combination of all the three, that guy is.

    I agree with EMK, let him go and maybe one day he’ll grow up.  Or not.  But the OP deserves better than that.

  3. 3
    Daphne

    As a woman, I find it difficult to understand the attitude of: “I’d like to have sex with you until someone better comes along”. But thanks EMK for reminding readers that many men (I gather) are perfectly capable of wanting a sex partner they will never fall in love with.

    1. 3.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Daphne – If you understand that, you understand EVERYTHING. MOST men operate that way. Better to have sex with someone than no one, even if that person is temporary.

  4. 4
    Ruby

    Interestingly enough, most of the coupled people I know, including the men, have said that they HAD to consider other things besides chemistry in order to have a successful, lasting relationship. For example, I once had a man tell me that he would never marry his girlfriend, and guess what? A couple of years later, they were married, and now have a child. Why? Because he saw that she loved him, and that she was kind, responsible, and easy to get along with. Yes, he was attracted to her, but he had to look at other things besides chemistry, and he realized that he loved her too. Another man told a friend that he made a decision to make compatibility more important than chemistry, and is now happily married to a woman that he initially wasn’t sure about.
     
    Like EMK did, I believe that the men who really are serious about finding someone, and are not players or commitment-phobes, realize this.
     
    Heather #2

    “To me it smells like either desperation, immaturity, or game-playing…” Yes, exactly.
     
     
     

  5. 5
    LC

    Unfortunately, most men operate as if women are simply disposal sperm toilets.  It’s just sickening and heartless, because they are very selfish and only thinking of their own needs.  Most people stupidly chase chemistry failing to realize that real love takes time to develop and is a promise to act in a loving manner and have a loving attitude towards the person you say that you love.  Then they are shocked when the chemicals wear off, and they’ve been involved with someone who lacks character, empathy, honor and loyalty.  Duh.

  6. 6
    Liz

    @LC that is depressing. I think both sexes can get carried away, in different regards. After four dates, it’s hard for me not to start plotting in my little girlie mind, about trips I would want to take with someone, waking up next to them, reading the newspaper and going to coffee, or stuff like…would our dogs get along? That is my femininity, and the fact I believe all women inherently want relationships that are long term in the end. For the man, they thrive after the chase, and chemistry, and as Evan says they “look for sex, then find love.” We can’t be hard on them, like they should not be hard on us. Its learning to delicately engaged, while recognizing these differences. I don’t think the majoriyt of men operate as sperm toilets. Yikes!!!! 

  7. 7
    Heather

    @ Ruby,

    Bingo.  That’s very true.  When I met my now boyfriend, at first I thought, oh man, I’m not sure.  He’s got a shaved head and that picture makes him look really kinda creepy.  But he had another picture with a pet greyhound, and looked very sweet, and I loved his profile.  So I gave him a chance.  I wasn’t too sure about it but something told me to at least see what happens.

    And almost nine months later, here we are.  There is chemistry and there’s compatibility.  He’s been my rock through the worst year of my life, and still hangs in there.  We help each other in good and bad times and we’re a team.

    Will it be forever?  Who knows.  But I do know that giving him a chance was very worth it.  He was very adamant on our first date that he wanted to date me, which did scare me a wee little bit and I thought oh no, please tell me he’s not desperate.  Luckily it was just nerves talking, and I realized what was going on. 
    But most other guys once they start talking the “r word” after one date, I dunno about that, it’s just scary.  I’m usually ready to go, “check please!”

  8. 8
    Mia

    This is my biggest frustration with dating. Many men seem to have to experience an instant thunderbolt, with no regard to whether the woman is kind, has her life together, they can be themselves around each other, they have the same values, etc. Aside from Evan, I can’t really think of many men who speak of finding a mate in a rational, measured way, and giving people a chance even when there’s no major initial spark. I’m trying to be more understanding of this because, after all, men, rightly or wrongly, feel that they bear a greater sacrifice to keep dating someone – largely because they’re the ones paying in the beginning, and even into marriage, divorce is more costly for them in terms of losing money and the kids. But it would be nice to meet more men who think the way I and many women think, which is, Hey, this person and I get along, we have a connection because we can talk about a lot of things and be ourselves, we’re attracted enough to want to have sex, and the person treats me well – what more is there to ask for or expect?

  9. 9
    SalsaQ

    Very well said, Mia! That last sentence says it all.

  10. 10
    Henriette

    I’ve seen pictures of your wife, Evan, and read some of her writing here.  Sorry, Ms. Gottlieb: she’s anything but average. 
    I do agree with @Mia.  I find that men, no matter their age, tend to want “the fairy tale”: the male version thereof.  That is: She was hot/cute/looked like my mom and I felt the thunderbolt the moment our eyes met.  Although she asked about my income, job prospects, future inheritance on our second date, I’m sure she felt the immediate thunderbolt from the start, too.  Some think she’s crazy, stupid, selfish and that it’s a bad sign she has no female friends but my gut (aka my willy) tells me that she’s just spirited, smart in ways that others don’t appreciate, values herself and other women are simply jealous of her.   Then, many wake up 10 years later wondering why they’re married to women they don’t like, have nothing in common with and who spend their money like it’s water.
     
    When I was younger and hotter, many a man had the Thunderbolt for me.  As flattering as it was, I steered clear of anyone who seemed besotted by me after the first date.  In retrospect, maybe I should have given them a chance but it just felt weird and desperate when someone who’d only spent a few hours with me felt such a strong connection to me.   Slow and steady wins my heart.
     

  11. 11
    Tom

    Great answer Evan and I second what Henriette says about your wife :)

    Mia,
    “men, rightly or wrongly, feel that they bear a greater sacrifice to keep dating someone”

    You’re correct here Mia, although for the wrong reason. The biggest sacrifice men (well the ones with options anyway) make when entering an exclusive relationship is his free-agent penis, not money. We have to forfeit the potential to sleep with strangers / models / twins etc. As women don’t get the same joy from sleeping with strangers (as confirmed by posters on this blog) their sacrifice is smaller in this regard.

    I think your point regarding men waiting for the “instant thunderbolt” is valid though, and I acknowledge how this must be frustrating for women.

  12. 12
    Karmic Equation

    @Mia 9
    But it would be nice to meet more men who think the way I and many women think, which is, Hey, this person and I get along, we have a connection because we can talk about a lot of things and be ourselves, we’re attracted enough to want to have sex, and the person treats me well – what more is there to ask for or expect?
    Mia, if you haven’t already, you really should buy Evan’s book. If you want men to change, you will be continually frustrated ’til the day you die.

    And really why should men have to change? Why can’t us women adapt to their way of living? Because we think we’re “right” and they’re wrong and that sets up a bad dynamic to start. If the dynamic isn’t working, if you can’t adapt or cope, then you should leave. The man changing should not be an option you work for, as you’ll likely start nagging or being needy to get this to happen and he’ll leave. Don’t give him that power. You leave first.

    I read a lot of blogs because I like reading about how men’s minds work and about relationship dynamics. Some really good stuff out there.

    The WWNH blogger has a very archaic manner of writing and a bible-thumping quality to his posts. However, if you can get past that, a lot of his posts make intrinsic sense. I think you might find his blog series on “Do women know jack about Jack?” something that might give you some insight: http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2007/12/08/8-do-women-know-this-about-men/

    I don’t think you’ll be less frustrated, but at least you’ll have more knowledge.

  13. 13
    Fusee

    @Mia #9: “But it would be nice to meet more men who think the way I and many women think, which is, Hey, this person and I get along, we have a connection because we can talk about a lot of things and be ourselves, we’re attracted enough to want to have sex, and the person treats me well – what more is there to ask for or expect?”
     
    Oh yes! I totally agree with you. However I believe that it’s a people issue more than a gender issue. And it’s especially true in this Hollywood-brainwashed culture. Reasonable women are frustrated at chemistry-chasing men and reasonable men are frustrated at chemistry-chasing women. And of course they keep attracting one another like crazy…
     
    But as Ruby wrote @5, some men (exactly like some women) are naturally able (or end up training themselves and become able) to let go of their addiction to chemistry and instead decide to allow a relationship to grow independently of “chemical highs”, “lightbulb moments”, and other “thunderbolt experiences”.
     
    I’ve never had this requirement of “instant chemistry” since my first serious relationships stemmed from long-term acquaintances/friendships, but I’ve been the victim of the “sudden chemistry phenomenon” when I unwillingly experienced it with another man later in my twenties. I unfortunately took it at face value and pursue a dead-end relationship. I learned my lesson! For me it was a bad experience, therefore I have a hard time to understand the mindset of requiring this instant feeling to inform such an delicate process, but so it is.
     
    Even my awesome (and otherwise reasonable) boyfriend has been a victim of it. Not only of believing in chemistry in the past, but also of having the unrealistic expectation of getting at some point an *unequivocal knowledge* about our future. Like if there would be a lightbulb moment where the Universe would speak to him and he would just *know*. It’s been hard for him to challenge these unrealistic expectations and face less sexy but perfectly normal human doubts instead… (and I must add that it’s been hard on me as well to accompagny him while he is going through all of this…).
     
    The best approach is focusing on people “who got it” through their own experience or by educating themselves, or who are close to get it, and letting go FAST of those would do not.

  14. 14
    Mia

    Tom, I understand what you mean about the free agent penis, and I likewise, at times, feel hesitant to sacrifice the ability to have casual sex and exciting flings with certain types of men I have strong attraction to but are not the best relationship fit (masculine, tall Asian drug dealers, blue collar Midwesterm men who shoot and fish, powerful men over 40, world traveling free spirits on motorcycles). But then I just remind myself how icky I feel when I have too many casual/short-term encounters and get over it. I assume there are many men out there who are able to get over it, too. However, it just seems that even many relationship-minded men are quite driven by chemistry and perfect timing, and my pleas to guy friends (as well as some female friends locked in a similar mindset) fall on deaf ears. Knowing that this is how so much of the dating population operates makes me realize that (assuming one is at least moderately attractive and not acting weird or desperate on dates) a lot of times it means nothing if a guy is into you and nothing if he isn’t, he’s just going off a gut feeling that has no basis on anything substantial.

  15. 15
    Ruby

    Mia #9
    The men I’m speaking of were all older, at least 40, and had already been married and divorced, although I know younger men who felt that way too. The older ones had been around the block a few times, and weren’t interested in getting divorced again. I dated a man who was in his fifties, very attractive, but never married. I wondered why, until he told me that he was still expecting to be gobsmacked by chemistry. He also had a history of picking women he had chemistry with, but wasn’t compatible with, yet somehow, couldn’t quite make the connection. It made me wonder if he was truly as interested in commitment as he claimed.
     
     

  16. 16
    SalsaQ

    @Karmic13
    What Mia said that struck a chord with me was that the key to a successful relationship is
    this person and I get along, we have a connection because we can talk about a lot of things and be ourselves, we’re attracted enough to want to have sex, and the person treats me well –


     



  17. 17
    Jane

    I just gotta say that I don’t get Lori’s assessment of your wife nor  yours when you talk about the ways she was not what you were seeking.  I cannot speak to her personality (other than comment on her evident patience lol.)  I have seen a picture of her and she did not strike me AT ALL as average, or looking her age, or not gorgeous or not one others would notice at a dinner party.  Maybe it is because I live in the Pacific Northwest where women are notably less glamorous when compared to Los Angeles standards.   I thought she was a beauty with a body I’ll bet men notice readily and a smile that was worth 1000 watts.  Don’t tell me she didn’t turn heads!!  

  18. 18
    Daphne

    Thank you EMK for the clarification ! I actually recall a guy I’ve dated who I clearly could have gone to bed with, but didn’t because he clearly didn’t truly want an LTR. I think I’d have sort of felt that it wouldn’t be worth it- icky as Mia 15 says.
    I guess a lot of guys would not see this as “icky”.
     

  19. 19
    Still-Looking

    Quite a few good comments.  To tie a few thoughts together:
    1.  Until a man is motivated, for whatever reason, to be in an exclusive relationship;
    2.  He will continue to search for that “perfect” woman – the one he has extreme chemistry with; and
    3.  This is reasonable in his view because to “settle” for someone he is compatible with is not an appealing option because he is not on a quest for a relationship and a relationship also has the downside of cutting off casual sex.

    Car salesman and real estate agents know how to figure out who is seriously in the market for a car or a house.  After dating for a while I think most of us have also picked up on the traits that signify which dates are truly looking for a relationship and who is just serial dating for fun. 

  20. 20
    Joe

    @ LC: broad brush, much?

  21. 21
    Lucy

    I know plenty of men who need that instant chemistry and they don’t seem to mind the emotional pitfalls some women have. There are men who treat emotional intimacy in a similar way to how they treat sex. One of my male friends doesn’t love his girlfriend so much any more. He keeps asking out other women and he won’t finish with her until another woman says yes to him. Being aware of this tendency in some men, makes me want to reinforce my boundaries even more. So chemistry is a lie. I doubt he likes the other women as much as he thinks he does, and is only reacting to how unhappy he is in his current relationship. I guess in that situation you have to really take a good look at yourself and evaluate where your feelings of chemistry come from.

    I don’t necessarily seek chemistry any more. I only see it as a feeling of being on the same wavelength as someone in terms of values and character. I’m not overly picky and I find many men physically attractive so I haven’t (at least so far) fallen into the trap of rating initial impressions too highly. When you think about how important chemistry is, you might fall into that trap of looking for that perfect feeling and not realise that you’re not dealing with reality, but actually with your own illusions. If you keep looking for the next best thing, then you’ll never be happy because you’ll never be living in the moment.

  22. 22
    Angie

    Duh, this is what men think!  I think women have gut reactions to people as well.  I certainly have. What I find strange is that he OPENED HIS MOUTH AND THESE WORDS CAME OUT.

     I think it’s great that this man is comfortable expressing himself, but a little weirded out by the fact that he doesn’t know how to edit himself.  I don’t know what he actually said to that woman, but I would need at least a month or two of dating before confirming the relationship.  Meeting someone and going from strangers to their girlfriend in a matter of three weeks is fast, even if you both obviously like eachother and aren’t interested in meeting anyone else.

  23. 23
    SS

    I don’t think men fall in love after one date (some do, certainly), but I think they have to feel something before deciding to go out on a second date. Men seem much less likely than women to go on a second date if the first date was just “okay.” I know my husband will say that he didn’t fall in love with me on the first date (and the feeling was mutual), but he really enjoyed himself and found me attractive, so he wanted to go out again. If there hadn’t been “something” there on that first date, there probably wouldn’t have been a second.
     
    That being said, the guy has to be in the right mental place too. I heard constantly that I was LTR/wife material from various guys, but because they were recently divorced or never-married but still playing the field, busy at work, etc., they never moved our interactions forward. This used to bother me to no end, because I know a lot of women will try to find a way to make it work if they feel that strongly about a man. But I had to realize that if the timing wasn’t right for a man, I could be Miss Perfect and it wasn’t going to happen. Which was another reason I learned to move on quickly from some guys with great possibilities — if they weren’t interested in exploring that possibility, for whatever reason, it just wasn’t going to happen for us.

  24. 24
    priya

    I think most of the women want to experience that thunderbolt feeling too.Thats why women find alpha men irresistible.Thats why there are all these websites all over internet about how to be alpha man.
    Very few women after going through few heartbreaks start reading and evaluating their own choices logically.

  25. 25
    Clare

    I’ve had a guy tell me he loved me after one date, so yes it can happen. Though hopefully most of them know to keep it to themselves, because the vast majority of women would be plotting to contact their lawyers for that impending restraining order … :p

  26. 26
    Heather

    The comments about “instant chemistry” just gave me another “a-ha” moment about dating.  I’d meet guys online, we’d have fabulous chemistry on the phone or email, and then the GUY, NOT me, would talk about how well we seem to click, etc etc, how excited they were to meet me.  And then, we’d meet, and “Gee, I just didn’t feel that chemistry in person.”  Fair enough, but it would just irk me after awhile.  I would think OK, yes, there is a difference between face to face and online.  But still.  Don’t go blathering on about chemistry and EVEN planning future dates (had at least 2 guys doing this to me), and then a breezy little brush-off.

    Me, I NEVER would make those kind of comments because it comes off as needy, creepy, desperate.   I knew better, and it was to the point where I’d just tell myself, yeah OK, they feel all kinds of chemistry now.  Good for them.  I’d prefer to wait and see what happens in person.  And that really helped, to keep that mindset.  It wouldn’t crush me if things didn’t go gangbusters on the first date.  I handled the brushoffs quite well, and just went whatever, guy just can’t be bothered to see if maybe there’s more.  Toodles, pal!

  27. 27
    Fusee

    To SS #24:
     
    Some men, like some women, can fall in “love” (or more accurately in “lust”) after one date… It’s cute when it happens but it says nada. They can fall out of it as quickly. When they really act on this initial chemistry, it does look desperate though, because it can’t be anything more than an illusion and a projection of their needs on someone else.
     
    My understanding is that for a man to want a second date, he needs to at least find the woman attractive enough to sleep with and not so annoying that it would make sleep with her a chore. I do not believe that the unenlighted man needs much more than that for a second date while women might need to be more impressed. Now, if he looks for something more serious than a sexual relationship, even unconsciously, then yes, he’s going to need to feel some spark of interest – or more intense feelings if he is addicted to chemistry. It’s going to depend on the man, they come in all kinds of flavors.
     
    Regarding timing, I agree with you, SS. For most men, it’s all about timing. If they’re not “ready” they will pass on priceless LTR/marriage opportunitites while still suggesting/offering a more casual thing. Women are more likely to rearrange their situation to “make it work” despite of a less ideal timing, and if they end up involved with someone “not ready” for more, they are more likely to believe that if they wait long enough to fall into his “right timing”, the guy will end up upgrading the relationship… Yeah, right!
     
    Like you SS, I simply moved on when the guy was not ready. I met my current boyfriend *just* at his turning point, and everything is so much easier when the man really wants to build something serious, independently of chemistry.

  28. 28
    Liz

    SS…so true! I have been viewed as the same, and when I have let Mr. Great Possibilities go because they would not explore the possibilities, they return later down the road. But by then the feeling and possibilities are gone. Took along time to realize it is them not me. 

  29. 29
    Kathleen

    Helen Fisher anthropologists describes different mechanisms for love She says love at first sight has been documented in animals for example elephants . With my ex of 20 years it was love at first sight, and a powerful intuition and its always been that way for me.  

    “There’s all kinds of reasons that you fall in love with one person rather than another: Timing is important. Proximity is important. Mystery is important. You fall in love with somebody who’s somewhat mysterious, in part because mystery elevates dopamine in the brain, probably pushes you over that threshold to fall in love.” (Helen Fisher)

  30. 30
    Heather

    @ Liz,

    That’s happened to me before as well.  I’ve had a couple of guys that wanted to “try us again” because they were too busy, too whatever, to go into an LTR with me at the time.  I said, no thank you.  One rejection is enough.  I’m not going to be a yo-yo, meaning one minute he wants nothing serious, the next, he does.  That is just exhausting.  For me, it’s a one-shot deal.  If you say thank you but no thank you, then I head on my merry way to go find someone who IS interested and who WILL make it work.  I lose all interest after being told no.

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