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This is a problem I’ve had ever since I can remember and I know I’m not alone. I tend to attract men who put me on a very high pedestal from which I eventually fall, very hard and very fast. I’m guessing this is because I have some attractive qualities (intelligence, exotic features), and because I fit into a few different categories, which makes it easy for some men to fantasize about me. Then once they get to know the ‘real’ me and realize that I don’t fit the image of the idea woman they’ve projected on me, they dump me. I’m sure that part of their reason for ending it is that I’m going through an insecure period in my life and this is unattractive. Also my insecurity makes me vulnerable to being admired. But I can’t take all the blame. Sometimes their passion is so ridiculously over the top from the start that I’m really at a loss as to where it came from or how to rein it in and, if I’m interested in something long-term, how to turn it into something tenable. I’ve tried telling them that they can’t possibly be in love with me after a week or a month, or I try to slow it down but they’re so aggressive about their admiration, so sure about their affection that they ignore what I say. Plus I don’t force them to slow it down as much as I should because of my insecurity or my own passionate feelings. Then, of course, the moment comes when I fall off the pedestal, which is pretty painful, even when I see it coming. So how do I bring a guy back down to earth the moment I see he’s idealizing me? And if I see long-term potential in a guy how do I get past the pedestal stage? Again: my telling him that he can’t possibly know me doesn’t seem to make a difference. So what can I do to gain some control over the situation? Should I for instance refuse to be in a relationship with the person until they know me as a friend? Should I immediately list all my faults for them (maybe a spreadsheet might help)? How do I get them to see the real me rather than blindly opening my heart to them, hoping that this time things will be different? And by the way, it never is–I always think I’ve finally met the exception but I’m always wrong.
Kara
Which just goes to reinforce my same old point about chemistry — it’s an illusion, a projection, and a fantasy.
No spreadsheets, Kara. But everything else you’re saying really does strike a chord.
I discussed how difficult dating could be for attractive women last year, but this situation is different. Because you’re not complaining about men being intimidated by you; you’re complaining that their heads are in the clouds. And rightfully so. Which just goes to reinforce my same old point about chemistry — it’s an illusion, a projection, and a fantasy. It’s not that the feeling isn’t real or amazing; it’s that it’s so powerful as to blind you to reality. Chemistry is what allows women to put up with abusive, non-committal men, and what allows men to put up with selfish, high-maintenance women.
Alas, you can’t help it when someone feels chemistry for you. All you can do is attempt to manage it realistically.
Your observation about a man putting you up on a pedestal is reminiscent of my own Pedestal Principle, which I explain in Volume 4 of Finding the One Online: “Once you put someone up on a pedestal, he is immediately looking down at you.” Talk about a lose/lose scenario. Not only do you feel uncomfortable being idealized, but you lose respect for the person idealizing you.
“Once you put someone up on a pedestal, he is immediately looking down at you.”
Your instincts about how to handle this, Kara, seem to be admirable. You remind all of our readers that beautiful women have a really hard time connecting with men because men are so blinded by their beauty that they can’t see the rest of the picture clearly. What these men don’t understand is that beautiful women don’t want fans or admirers; they want partners to see them, in full, as they are. I learned this the hard way — having put a woman up on a pedestal for upwards of 15 years. She not only lost her attraction to me, but it took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to realize that she wasn’t as great as I thought she was. She even TOLD me this, but I wouldn’t listen. So I really get the concept behind wanting to offer full disclosure about your imperfections as soon as possible. However, full disclosure is inorganic and clunky. You don’t tell someone on date 1 that you’re on Prozac or that you’re prone to fits of jealousy. Such things are revealed in the dating process so that they’re more easily digested.
But no matter how you play it, Kara, it will take a special guy to handle you — one who is not blinded by beauty, or rendered foolish in the face of brilliance. This man will reveal himself in how gracefully he treats you — not in how much he kisses your ass when he’s out to dinner with you. Any man who starts with the pedestal stuff will immediately eliminate himself. As for your role in this — I would give you the same advice I just gave to my amazing intern: be a woman. A real, stand-up, authentic, no-longer-a-girl, honest-to-goodness woman. It’s not about being in control, or putting your cards out on the table, or setting arbitrary rules on the pace of your relationship. It’s about communicating fearlessly, because you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
When a guy starts to get all ga-ga; you let him know that you think he’s amazing, but ga-ga’s not going to work. You’ll lose respect for him and you don’t want to do that. Ask him to treat you the way he’d treat his best girl friend. With respect and kindness and chivalry. Ask him to go slow — not because you’re unattracted to him — but because you have seen your own tendency to dive in fast. The right guy will play it at your pace because he has something very real to gain.
Still, not every guy will pass this test of treating you as an equal. And when they don’t, you must be strong enough to walk away from these dead-end scenarios — forgoing the ego boost of having an admirer — and investing your time only in men who know what to do with a beautiful woman.
Trust me, there are a few of us left…
starthrower68 says
Where are they, Evan? I have had men call me “attractive”, “beautitul”, etc. I don’t know that I live up to that but that’s another discussion. What I’m saying is, it seems most of the men are either one extreme or the other; just not that into you or just want to smother you. I’m not man-bashing because I’m sure there are good guys out there. A happy medium would be nice to find.
Honey says
I could relate to this, although the gist of the advice seems to be “hang in there,” which can be very frustrating. I had lots of guys tell me that they were “falling for me” on date three. My solution (albeit a flawed one) was to dump them immediately (I was in my early twenties). It was just such an attraction killer there was no point in pretending I could continue.
I did at that time have a rule of 1 date per week for at least the first month – no more, no less. 2 dates per week in the second month, etc. It was helpful at wading in slowly, though I must admit that I threw it out the window the instant I met the BF because we both “just knew.”
motherlover jones says
I had my own rule. If a girl needs to have rules with me, i don’t bother. I could be waiting forever for her to decide to let me have a few more inches of leash. Like you said, if it’s meant to be, you’ll know.
Steve says
Kara;
I knew a woman back in college who had the exact same problem as you do.
She was my LAST crush…ever. Like many men and women I was in love with the idea of being in love and not the actual person. I lived in a fantasy world until reality, reasserted itself, as it always will. I was hurt so bad I swore I would never let myself fall for an image of my own creation again.
I also got to know my crush as a friend.
Like you she had a mix of qualities that attracted a LOT of men and a LOT of the kind of men who love to build up and fall in love with an image of their own making versus the actual making.
Eventually reality would assert itself to these men. They would get hurt. They would get angry. A few would obsessive/stalkerish. Most would say mean, angry things to my friend.
This had a devastating effect on my friends emotional health. She felt (wrongfully) guilty and beleaguered.
The bottom line is you have to remind yourself of a few things, forcefully and repetitively until it sinks in and feels real.
1. You can not control these men.
2. If they create fantasies in your image you can’t stop them.
3. It is their problem.
The best you can (and should) do is to tell them once honestly that you think they are falling for their fantasies, not you, that it makes you uncomfortable and that you don’t want to be around them.
Eventually you will meet emotionally mature men who will appreciate you for you what are.
There is no way around butching up, getting over your insecurity, telling the other type of guys how it is and moving on from them.
If you don’t, you are going to get emotionally pummeled like my college friend did.
Gestelle says
Im so thankful for this article. I felt like I was being conceited just for looking for this advice, but the truth of the matter is, is that I’m getting older and would rather not waste my time and feel guilty for wanting to have choices, and date other men. Personally, I don’t even feel overly attractive, but have way too many options, and enjoy rare qualities, such as some one who is more intellectual (sad but true). To discover ones intellect it takes several dates, if a man gets all gaga you’ll never know!
Chanel says
I’m in the same boat, and I’m a 41-year-old mom, lol!
I’m probably not as attractive as the OP, but I look like I’m 28, and I act like I’m 15… and I tend to spark feelings of “chemistry” and connection in people right off the bat.
So yes, I get put on the pedestal, too. Man thinks I’m great, chases hard, and I can tell he’s replacing what he doesn’t know about me with fantasies of his own. By the time I can feel that I’ve fallen off the pedestal, I’ve started to get attached to the dude.
I used to try to hang on and try to fix things and patch things up, but now I know this doesn’t work.
This is a very painful moment because I tend to respond to it by wondering what the hell made me fall off the pedestal. Was it something I said? Am I a bad kisser? Maybe I need a tummy tuck… It’s really hard on my self esteem.
So here’s how I’ve changed my strategy. I’m not sure it will work or not, but at least I feel like I’m doing something to improve the situation:
a. I’m really paying attention to whether or not the guy is trying to get to know ME, or making assumptions about me. If I sense a guy is trying to interview me about whether or not I would qualify for the job of being his wife (happens quite a bit when I date someone in their 50s), while not really caring about getting to know me, I don’t usually go on a second date.
b. I don’t get intimate with a guy unless I feel reasonably sure that he “gets” the real me and likes that person.
Maryam says
I can relate a lot to this. I’m 29 and I look about my age but I’m reasonably attractive and know how to clean up nice. I have the same kind of personality like you, that draws people in and makes them feel chemistry right off the bat no matter what I say. And I really relate to what you said about how much it hurts your self esteem when you fall from grace, and also being in an insecure moment in life. I used to be over-confident and it really actually worked well for me. Now I am so self conscious from “falling from grace” so many times that I can’t live up to the images guys project on to me and I fall out of grace really quickly these days. Ugh. And of course, it always always always happens right after I really start to love the guy. I’ve had this guy chasing me for FIVE YEARS, building up some fantasy image in his head of me after we had a short fling years ago. I must have done something right back then, that he couldn’t get over. We recently “hooked up” and I can tell, he’s not as into me as he was. I must have been bad at hooking up, because how else would I fall out of his favor? I guess if that’s all that matters to him, he’s really not worth it. But I can’t stop thinking about him, it’s driving me NUTS. Here’s to hoping I’m wrong, I guess.
Amy says
clearly it has nothing to do with you.he was only in it for the chase and has intimacy issues
troll says
I’m probably not as attractive as the OP, but I look like I’m 28, and I act like I’m 15… 😛 ……good good 😛
Persephone says
Chanel, I have some of the same problems as you. I have never have been want to go out clubbing much, but some friends encouraged me to join them. I showed up and they weren’t there. The minute I walked in guys were all over me. I met this guy who looked very much like Antonio Banderas, but it was actually his smile that got me. He made assumptions about my age, probably thinking that I was about 21. Other guys were coming up to me trying to make me not talk to him and to leave the club with them. We started dating and after he started getting to know me, I could tell he was pushing me off the pedestal. He found out that my real age was 35 and that was too much for him to handle. The very thought of me being older than him was unacceptable. I didn’t meet all his his little fantasies.
shaunna l hoog says
thank you for this!! im almost 40 widowed was married for 9 years and with him for 14 had some strokes with that came memory los..self lost realy! so my needs, want’s and hell nos went out the window before my husband passed..so i did find somone and he crushed me pretty quickly three times he broke my heart! the pedestal he put me on was so high it should have snuffed out my being when i got shoved off..this helped me recall why i steered clear of his type of love and personality before..and a sense that what u now have found with somone maybe is real..lol thank you
Paul says
I think younger guys with all the testosterone flowing really get it in their heads that you are the perfect woman…in bed mostly. It fits into their own preconceived notion about what they want…the hottness mainly because we men tend to think how great it would be to have sex with you first, and the rest we can deal with later, or will just kinda work itself out. It’s all about romance and sex at that point, and making you their own. Men really are more passionate than women are. It’s possessiveness at it’s finest. I don’t know how old you are but you might want to try older more mature men, because I don’t think you’re going to get around men falling head over heals for you. The best you can do is to just be real, tone down the hottness a little (if you’re out there with hardly anything on and are wondering why men are going goo goo ga ga over you it’s your own fault for not knowing what skin does to a man) and just be you…the real you.
Andy says
Hmmmm….interesting topic. I will say though the pendulam swings both ways. Women say that they want e real man that is attracted to who they are, not what they look like. Well to be honest, in my experience women who are 9 or 10s don’t date guys who are a 7. That’s just the way it is. Sure you’ll find the occasional exception to the rule, but for the most part, attractive people seem to have that same quality. The quality that could be decribed as…well…arrogant.
In this world of online dating, all of men and womens choices on who they respond to are all based on looks. That’s the cold hard facts. You can write the best email in the world, but if you don’t have the looks to go along with it, you’ll never get a response. So the beautiful people are stuck with each other and they all complain about the character flaws that they themselves have.
bluester says
most sensible thing I’ve ever read so far!
Persephone says
Oh I knew it wouldn’t be very far into this thread before they started bashing attractive people. Yep. It begins again.
dude says
It’s arrogant of the 7 to think that because he has a bone he is entitled to a 10. Come on arrogant lol
starthrower68 says
With all due repsect, Paul, I think it’s unfair to assume that Kara is dressing in a provacative manner and that it’s HER fault for the reaction she’s getting. The assumption about older men is not necessarily correct either; I’ve had older men react to me the same way, and I can assure you that I don’t do anything to encourage it.
Remy says
Think about appearance like this and this is how I explain appearance to a woman.
If Im dressed with my pants hanging off my behind with my underwear showing you are probably going to assume a lot of things about me. If I go into a job interview dressed inappropriately Im going to be viewed a certain way. This is because of social grooming, I suggest woman who understand how everyone reacts to appearance that she could consider what type of reactions her appearance is getting as well.
The guy dressed with his pants off his behind can be upset if people thinks he’s not of the best character and he does not have to change but most people will still react to his appearance. The woman dressed a certain in way cannot be upset when her appearance garners the same reaction from most people each time. It is just something to consider live as you wish.
Persephone says
So how would you have these women dress? Is it that they cannot dress like everyone else, they must wear gunny sacks? Must say totally eschew makeup, for fear of being considered too attractive, while everybody else gets to wear it? Are they supposed to totally avoid attractive and fashionable hairstyles for fear of being considered too attractive? My sister was so sweet to me, she’s to tell me that I would look beautiful in a gunny sack. This is tantamount to victim-blaming what you guys are doing.
Lisa says
These guys saying women are dressing provocative and that’s why men are acting like this are so far off base and making assumptions. I have this same issue and I can assure you I am not. In fact I made sure to not be because I thought maybe it was me. So there. But they are right In that I have found that men are so focused on trying to bed me or acquire me that the method is lets get to that and see if she’s compatible otherwise later. Age has nothing to do with it. The more I resist or less interested I act the harder they try and they do act gaga. I’ve had men buy me 3k necklaces within a month rent fancy cars I mean the stuff they do is insane. I make well over six figures and am not impressed. They go at this for months! I hold out to try to weed out relationship minded men. Then I will relent give it up they will enjoy the sex for a few months and say well I realized we really are not a good relationship Match and list all these things they have know about me from month one as if they are new! Then say but you are really hot and good in bed we can still have sex and it plays out over and over. I don’t want guys to tell me I’m hot no one wants to know me! My female friends are like well you get lots of dates and attention and men buy you things you are pretty I get no attention. Well yes but no one wants to committ to me or love me, it’s all superficial. My looks and body will fade.
AllHeart81 says
Lisa – I don’t get a lot of attention from men or fancy presents. And while I think initially it would feel pretty amazing to be validated for physical beauty, to not always question if you’re attractive enough for a man to be interested in, or to feel insecure in the presence of a more beautiful woman, I certainly understand why ultimately, it’s not satisfying for you and why even beautiful women, who do get lots of validation from men, want the same exact things more plain women want. Which is to be validated for who we are, not the way we look or for the things we possess. We are all human after all, whether we are very beautiful r more plain. And it often feels like men don’t see us for those qualities, instead choosing to view us only through a filter of what we can do for them through our physical looks. Thanks for sharing your experiences here though. It’s not easy for most of us, no matter our looks.
Persephone says
Haha, I am in the same situation!!! I do not dress provactive. I do not even paint my nails. I always must worry that I am treated as if I am a commodity, or that I am someone who makes a guy look good to others.
In the end they tell me I am the nicest, most decent woman they ever met, but they do not love me enough to marry me. Bit then they want to continue seeing me for the sex. Uggggh.
Persephone says
Lisa, no they won’t. You’re look somebody won’t fade as long as you stay reasonably healthy. It kind of sucks because in the guys are still acting that way even if you’re old. That means a certain group of women will never really get anybody. All we will get are the shallow guys who want to put us on pedestals, push us off a few weeks later and cast us aside like a paper cup.
Angie says
My friends and I call the type of guy you’re describing a “Front Loader”, the “Two Week Guy,” or the “Future Talker.” This is the guy who is calling, emailing, and texting all the time to say how wonderful you are, how glad he is you met, and all the great things you’re going to do together. This guy comes on really strong for a few weeks and then dumps you as soon as you show interest. I think it’s because he’s unhealthy, likes the chase, but then doesn’t like any woman who will have him. Maybe it’s low self-esteem, short attention span, or the fact that he just wants a new challenge.
I try to recognize it and label these guys as who they are. Take what they say and do with a grain of salt. The only way you know if he’s a keeper is over time. It’s hard, and I often fall for it anyway. That’s why dating is so tough. Even when you think you might have met “the one,” most of the time it doesn’t work out.
benie says
U are so right. Those guys know how to talk and show u that u are amazing. And say u drive them crazy but the funny thing is after that, they try to act like strangers. I always ask myself what really happened. Sad
Justin Cobb says
Not very true, I guess u can say I’m that same guy.. But I’m looking for it to last…
Jnya says
I have never heard of these terms before but I think you just described the last three relationships I have had. Sadly, I have just bluntly told a very forthright individual to back off. After 6 days and one meeting he was all in… scary stuff. Thanks for sharing these personality types.
1meek1 says
Omg Angie! You’re SO ON POINT! THESE DESCRIPTIONS HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!
starthrower68 says
Angie, that’s if you can keep from getting creeped out. The guys who say they’re in love with you after 2-3 weeks – especially if the only contact you’ve had is online – are kinda scary.
Diana says
I sense the writer enables the men to put her on a pedestal, and she likes the initial thrill and passion of the experience. When she’s ready to be real and step down from high above, understandably, they’re still going full speed ahead in chasing the dream that she helped to create, and her sudden turnabout is what sends them away.
To ask a guy to go slow, because she has a tendency to go too fast, is to put the responsibility on him. She could also slow herself down, and try to understand herself on a deeper level to learn what it is within her that seeks this kind of attention.
We attract what we create. If you want the men to take you more seriously vs. a beautiful, fantasy goddess of perfection, then be more real from the beginning. This doesn’t mean airing all your laundry. Maybe it’s being more down-to-earth?
Of course, this won’t stop all of the starry-eyed gazing and falling all over themselves that some men are bound to do in your presence, but it’s your initial reaction to them which can help to temper their actions, and by doing so, prevent your heartache later on. Mature men will appreciate your beauty and act appropriately, with a little guidance from you. 😉
hunter says
Telling a woman you are in love with her, sometimes, earns a man time in the sack.
hunter says
Andy, a female 9 or 10 will date a male 7, if she is financially challenged.
Lynn says
hunter I was thinking that 😂😂
Anisa says
Quote of Evan: “” and investing your time only in men who know what to do with a beautiful woman.
Trust me, there are a few of us left “”
A FEW!!! What are you saying Evan?
mic says
Everyone seems to agree that her appearance is contributing to the situation. Then it’s something she probably should address (in a way that’s more sensible than making herself unattractive). This company only works with men and she was vague on what she looks like, but Kara can go through aici.org and find an image consultant near her who might be able to help. Don’t expect it to nearly eliminate the ardor, though. Broken record – until there is more equality among people in physical attractiveness, e.g., reasonable effort as the norm, women like Kara will experience the dark side of being pretty.
Sayanta says
Paul-
I don’t know if you’re the same Paul from other posts- but it’s strange that your advice – in a nutshell- to women always seems to be ‘date old dudes.’
Karl R says
Paul said: (#5)
“you might want to try older more mature men”
Having observed men pursuing women, I’m not sure that “older” and “more mature” are closely linked. I’ve seen lots of older men (50s, 60s and 70s) pursue cute young women that they don’t have a chance with.
Kara might do substantially better with more mature men, but that should be true regardless of their chronological age.
Ava says
In my experience, this is a common scenario. Men are so “in the moment”. I’ve had plenty of relationships where the man started out completely smitten, and in two or three or four months’ time, things crash and burn. It’s a dilemma, and I haven’t figured it out myself. But I do know it’s up to the woman to set the pace. She says “my insecurity makes me vulnerable to being admired”, so perhaps she’s not heading men off and slowing things down because she like the validation and attention. If most relationships don’t work out, how do we “manage” that? Plenty of men act like they want a relationship, but get scared once they’re in one, and some are just looking for fun and sex. Once they get it, they’re gone. All any woman can do is be true to herself, and her own needs. Yeah, where ARE those men who know what to do with an attractive, smart woman…?
Curly Girl says
I’m wondering if what Kara is encountering is guys who fetishize her because of those things about her that, as she puts it, fit “into a few categories.” If she has a very distinctive look (as she alludes to in her email), I wouldn’t be surprised to find that this is what is going on. If so, the situation would have nothing to do with her at all. If a guy fetishizes your “type,” (blondes and Asians being two of the main “categories” that are popular among the fetishizers), then all you can do is screen carefully and be ultra picky. Tough when you want to be with someone! Maybe seek out your equivalent in a guy–he won’t be so quick to fall if he is your peer.
hunter says
Ava, there is nothing wrong with being in a 3-4 month long, relationship.
mic says
Maybe Karl will agree – time probably weeds out from the singles market many of the less superficial (and more mature) men.
A-L says
Mic,
Are you saying that as time goes by the less superficial and more mature men get snapped up and therefore there aren’t as many of them to date? Or are you saying that the superficial and immature men will have so little dating success that they won’t even bother to date, leaving only the less superficial and more mature men? Or are you saying something else entirely?
Remy says
I think its the latter but Im not positive. I know most men who have it together physical, emotional and spiritual often get over looked cause those men usually are very humble and humble can be easily mistaken for weakness. Unfortunately woman have a weakness radar thats bout as sensitive as dog ears. What I mean is that a woman detects anything weak in the beginning and she is usually turned off…comes to find out the guy was just humble about himself and she just didnt have any patience to see it. Happens a lot…I blame social grooming, you can be nice to woman in other countries just not this one 🙂 Im not bashing either fyi Im know you dont like mean men but plenty of good women end up with Jerks
mic says
The men who aren’t particularly superficial usually can get into long-term relationships with women they desire. Men who are too superficial for their own good either cannot or do but then leave when the looks fade and subsequently experience that kind of discrimination. There also are the players, of course.
hunter says
Men that get into relationships/date often, they, “ALL,” get caught in that female web. If not for a lifetime, for a good chunk of their lives, 20-30 years…I’ve seen it happen….
Dare says
WOW…do I have to comment on this. I’ve always had the tendency to put the “beautiful” girls I’m attracted to on pedestals. Why? Because 1) I’m an optimist and believe the best in people 2) it’s been stuck in my character trait of being the nice-provider-classy guy and 3) MANY beautiful women are used to using their alluring POWER to woo-captivate-charm me. I now recognize this more as I get a little older and wiser. They’re using the most powerful trait (looks and sexuality) to their best advantage. I’ve felt like Superman and they’re my Kriptonite (my feeling weak, forgetting logic, and being overcome by their sex appeal.) These girls’ insecurities also cause them to COVET attention-admiration from everyone and anyone. It’s their way of feeling good-wanted-desired that fuels this very behavior. As this beauty starts to slip due to age or weight, these girls become even more obsessive about their beauty or looks and their ability to keep attracting new men. These are just MY observations on about 10 or so beautiful girls and my relationships/friendships. Usually, my attention and commitment is NEVER enough because they require MORE and MORE attention from others (usally guys) to feel validated. So then, some of the RESPONSIBILITY may actually rest with this particular girl, who would have thought?
AllHeart81 says
Dare – I think you probably put beautiful girls on pedestals simply because you’re attracted to them. I don’t believe it has anything to do with you being an optimist, or about being ‘classy’ or because it’s women’s fault that you’re so allured by them. I think it sounds like you got some issues you need to work through on yourself.
lorihaah4 says
Kara – i’ll share with you what ive shared with my friends from years of observing people and relationships (im married, fascinated by all i continue to learn about myself and others and am intrigued by interpersonal relationships) – a few of my girlfriends have had the SAME problem as you – i think much of it has to do with exactly what evan describes, but from what i have seen, much also has to do with an instinctual ‘hunt, chase, kill’ thrill of the moment mentality of men, and woman becoming vulnerable to this expression and feeling of love and opening up too quickly and accepting what they hear – without also requiring the actions to back the words. From what i see, my friends will buy into the projection and admiration too quickly, bare their soles, admit their love or at least create, in their minds, an instant relationship of sorts – and the man realizes he doesnt have the mystery or any fun of ‘finding out new exciting things’ from the woman anymore – i think it is VERY important, no matter how crazy you may be about the man in return, to STILL remain independent, still maintain high standards (ie.. not allowing text declarations of admiration only etc.. but knowing if a man truly is interested he will CALL and want to SEE you often) – staying calm, cool and fun, but also remaining a little bit mysterious – NOT IN A GAME PLAYING WAY… but in a ‘this woman is amazing and i want to get to know her over and over again..’ and she is spontanneous, yet stable, fun yet knows what she wants, she is great to be with, but she is OK TO BE ALONE, she is beautiful, but humble, she is human, has faults but is good with herself, she is receptive to love, but doesnt NEED someone to complete her… but instead someone to complement her as a partner.. maybe you are doing ALL these things and it is the men you are meeting that are players or commitent phobic – but from what i have experience witnessing – my friends get too tied up with a mans words too quickly also, they are too receptive too quickly, the men realize the woman lost herself into the relationship too quickly (again, what your doing has to reflect what your saying also as a woman – you can say ‘i need to take it slow’ but then call the man too often, and start pursuing HIM).. i think Evans Mirroring is the BEST advice i have ever seen on the subject and i refer my friends often to the article. Also, be yourself, dont get lost in the initial PEA hormone induced moment, savor the passion but stay realistic. I tell my friends to ACCEPT from a man no less than they would expect from me as a friend – too require the same mutual, respecful treatment.
Sarah says
Good Advice, Thank you! I seem to have the same issue…People tell me that I have rich people problems. what is wrong with me? do I like the attention? most likely, especially when it comes from a man that I like. Man want a commitment first but then they loose interest. I’m kind, smart and man find me beautiful. I had a guy telling me after few dates that I’m so nice that he can’t see my “hotness” any more LOL!!! Go figure this out!
Ava says
hunter #19
Ava, there is nothing wrong with being in a 3-4 month long, relationship.
Not a question of wrong or right, but ultimately frustrating if you are looking for something long-term.
Chanel says
Hi Dare,
I’m reading your post and can identify with some of what you are saying.
I’d like to comment on this part:
“Usually, my attention and commitment is NEVER enough because they require MORE and MORE attention from others (usally guys) to feel validated. ”
Don’t you think happens in both genders? How about cute guys who thrive on the attention they get from women? How about cheaters of both genders who say they cheated because they weren’t getting enough attention from their partners and felt neglected.
If this is a pattern for you, could it be that somehow, after the initial chase, you stop giving your partner as much time/attention?
hunter says
Ava, I see what you are saying. I have known women to be very smart, bright, intelligent beings. As adults, most women, find solutions to their frustrations.
hunter says
Lorihaah4, such a wonderful dissertation you wrote. Might I add that, most of what you wrote, changes/no longer applies/ceases to be, in a relationship at the 3-4 month level. Most men hope and pray, a woman will remain the same person we met.
JuJu says
starthrower (# 7),
and what if she is?? How on Earth does it make it her <b>fault</b>?
I am personally of the opinion, if you got it – flaunt it.
lorihaah4 says
hunter @29 – you have a valid point – ive seen it happen over and over again w friends and try to remind them, tell them ‘girls dont call boys etc… and yet they will start to reverse pursuit..wtf?? I can attest tho – there are a few women left out there that remain EXACTLY the same – problem then becomes that the man then falls hard, stays committed and in love, and the woman gets bored. Ha ha.
Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach says
Great topic and a lot of great answers, I particularly like Diana’s reply on # 10 and Lorihaah # 25. I also agree with Evan about that this type of initial passion, which I would call infatuation, does not last in a relationship and often blinds us from reality.
And I have met and know plenty of good looking, handsome, and attractive men who can see past the initial beauty of attractiveness of a women whom are in the market to take the time to find the right one for them, so I don’t think this is the problem here either. But this is not to minimize Kara’s experience, as I know finding the right one can be frustrating and not always easy.
Dope says
Honesty in relationships and Idealism versus Realism are some topics I’ve been exploring on my blog recently, too. It’s important to be both honest and realistic, but to have your realism informed by idealism, I think.
The spreadsheet idea was pretty great though, even if, as you say, it’s inorganic and clunky. The idea of a girl passing me a USB key with a list of her faults on it to read before she’d consider dating me cracks me up.
JerseyGirl says
Wow, alot of the guys seem hard on the OP for no reason at all.
Alot of these guys that are putting her on a pedestal sound very unstable and immature.
Persephone says
I agree, Jersey Girl. even the guest relationship coach that put a comment in there aggravated me, because he said he agreed with Post Number 10. I started to comment negatively on that post but thought I would read through the rest of them instead.
What I would ask these people wjo are giving negative comment about the opening post, is what about movie stars who get stalked by people who they never met? What signals are they giving to these individuals? We can’t stop other people from building their own fantasies in their head. They do that without our help.
Years back, I started out working at a VA Hospital, which included a psychiatric ward. I heard about a lot of silly things. One guy had schizophrenia and he would stand on the street corner and thought that the traffic lights were sending signals to him. He thought that these signals were from some alien life-form that were using the traffic lights to specifically communicate with him. While this seems like it’s very far removed from what we’re talking about, I’m giving you an analogy. The traffic lights didn’t make the guy think that they were giving him specific signals. This is a scenario that guy created in his head, all by himself. The traffic lights were just there. It’s something like that with the woman in the opening post.
Veronika says
Kara’s email and Paul’s reply (#5) reminded me of the guy I “tried to work it out” last December. I know him for three years, we had the attraction ever since we met. It’s that one of us was always taken.
So in november we happened to become free and met, and it clicked immediately – the kind of relationship where you don’t care of taking slow because it’s just “perfect”. Although I reminded him how heart broken I was.
He fell in love. We had talks about it, how I don’t take it easily that he idolises me, how I can’t handle him trying to own me too soon after a guy I loved dumped me without a word (well, he was heart broken too t the time thus he said he cannot commit, he’s “too scared, too cautious” and “if he has feelings for his ex it’s just not right”).
My man seemed to understand than he turned around 180 degrees. He was fighting over everything, mostly about my friends, not seeing me enough (4 days a week) – he was invited to occasions by my friends who wanted to meet him and he turned it down saying my friends are more important to me….
I really wanted it to work with him because he is an amazing person inside and out, funny, charismatic, good interesting personality with a big heart and honesty. But at a point I just couldn’t. It was all because he fell in love too soon. He just made me run away despite me wanting him.
A month after breaking up he contacted me and said he thoguht about it and sees clearly. But he’s still in love. I see it in his emails, text messages etc…. we don’t meet in person because he moved to a different country but he is even trying to convince me I should move to Ireland. He’s even looking into job offers that fit to my profession. He’s one of the greatest men I have ever met and it’s just turning me off – him trying to own me is down right scary.
And I am still in love with someone else which I told to this guy, I tried to fight against it, and from day one he said he doesn’t care. I really tried not to play with his feelings and it’s a real lose/lose situation…
Goldie says
Great post, very good advice. (See, I can be positive.) I’ve been on both ends of crushes, and have never known how to act in either position. I second what Evan said – yes guys, when you get all Cable Guy on us, it is a massive turn-off and, more often than not, the knee-jerk reaction is to dump you. Feeling guilty in the process, may I add!
Bookmarked it. Thanks for the post and comments.
Jumpdates says
Hmm, this is a rather interesting post and I would surmise that the problem lies with both individuals in the Kara story. My point is that if Kara knows that men fantasizes about her looks and appearance then why does she fall off the pedestal so often?
The psychology behind this behavior is a need for attention and stems from insecurity by the person. It happens that we often don’t fully appreciate our behavior with the opposite sex as a result of our own dissatisfaction with our self.
I have been in that type of relationship before where I actually felt that I was in love but in reality the woman was very insecure and needed attention and was always demanding. This makes the other person crave for more especially if they are not astute to the ways of the woman.
I found over time, its better to reflect on ones own behavior when it comes to the matter of the heart and relationship. By seeking or reacting to changes in the other person doesn’t solve the problem but in fact can make it worse.
SJS says
This happens to women who are attractive and also a little quiet. The quietness allows enough space for the suitors to fill in the blanks with what they fantasize.
These women cannot just get sloppy because hygene and “evidence of effort” in personal appearance matters in relationships with men, even moreso than objective attractiveness.
It can be exacerbated if the woman’s life is lacking in stability (she is in a career transition) or she has a less well-developed sense of self.
A way to mitigate the problem could be focusing on cultivating a community of female friends for a while to develop your sense of self.
Josele says
I think you are on to something here. What do you mean by “they just cannot get sloppy”? Like if you ever slack on your personal grooming a guy immediately gets turned off? Sometimes I let guys see me look less than amazing bc I want to know if they genuinely like me or if it’s just how I look. More often than not guys change how they feel almost immediately if you aren’t always perfect looking. It’s frustrating bc if they think you are their fantasy girl, you aren’t ever allowed to be a human being.
Sarah says
“This happens to women who are attractive and also a little quiet. The quietness allows enough space for the suitors to fill in the blanks with what they fantasize.”
Thank you! That’s makes a lot of sense to me.
DG says
It seems that these women are really great, e.g., intelligent, gorgeous, nice, etc. So, why don’t these men continue to like them is my question? I’m curious to know what “flaws” specifically, if any, discourages these men from pursuing the relationship further?
Persephone says
We’ve all read the ASPCA brochures about bringing home a German Shepherd puppy. I’m not saying that we women are like dogs, however there is something in common about getting Fantasy Woman and getting Fantasy Puppy. They forget that German shepherds grow to be very large, and sometimes have to be taken out a few times a day. They forget the puppies sometimes chew things. Then the dog is dumped off at the animal shelter because they don’t want him anymore.
When they meet Fantasy Woman, reality sets in just like it does with a new puppy. The woman shows up one day and her nails aren’t perfectly Polished. She hasn’t run the flat iron through her hair. He sees what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning. Or she doesn’t look so perfect because she has the flu and is vomiting her guts out. Or if it takes a little bit more than that, perhaps she gets pregnant and get stretch marks on her tummy.
Jessture says
I have this same issue….of men falling “in love” quickly. These aren’t guys who wind up falling out of love or losing interest or are commitment phobic. These are men who want commitment right away…who fall in love and declare me the one they’ve been looking for. So the issue isn’t about them being commitment phobic or losing interest in me…or me falling off the pedestal that they unfortunately put me on. I am a very down to earth friendly girl…and pretty to boot…plus mom of 3 kids…and nursing student. I’m pretty awesome in my own right, but I honestly don’t see what the fuss is about. My exes stay in love with me for years after our relationship ends…and this makes things confusing and hard. I feel like no one wants to be friends with me…they only want to “love” me and hope to be with me/pursue me….exes and new men I meet. It sucks….feels like a curse. I’d love to be off the market…but with men falling so quickly and easily, it makes it really hard to just browse the market.
Krys says
Some of us have it worse. Some of us are beautiful, single, funny, great bodies, can cook, no kids and a degree, also awesome, and have a hard time finding men who want to commit. I know I’m one hell of a catch and guys will chase me, then pull away. THAT feels like a curse.
Vanessa says
Krys, I feel exactly the same way you do. I’m constantly “pursued” by men who lay it on thick about how perfect I am only for these same men to pull away, sometimes after a couple of dates, sometimes after a couple of months. Then they come back. Then they leave again. I haven’t met a man who wanted to commit in years. I try not to take it personally, but it does feel like a curse.
Goody says
I don’ understand why it’s always the men’s fault whenever relationships are not going well. It’s as if the women are never willing to compromise.
I think everyone should compromise and see the bigger picture. If you want to “fall in love” in 6 months rather than 3 like he does, is that really worth the break-up?
Bubbles says
Me too! I have this problem. And I am 53 but look 35. I will say it straight. I am still very attractive. Tomorrow I have a date with a 30 year old, because it will be fun and maybe we can have good sex, but I just dumped (another) man around my age who was having ‘forever’ fantasies. I want a lifelong relationship, but they turn me off too quickly and yes, I am VERY aware it is only their hormones they are responding to. It makes me sad. I want love and despite being more attractive than most women, I can’t find it.
Persephone says
Bubbles, this could be me. Nobody ever believes I’m past 35. 30 – 35 year old man go crazy over me. Men my age ignore me.
Persephone says
I couldn’t agree more. I’m 50 and I’ve been seeing my 30 year old boyfriend for a year. I went through the same problems that you describe, and finally had to go outside my age range to find somebody that didn’t get so overeager. The only reason it worked with my thirty-year-old guy is that he was adamant about not getting into a relationship, and especially not a marriage, until he returned back to his own country. That made him put the brakes on building unrealistic fantasies inside his head.
Josie says
Well,I pretty much have the same problem.No idea why as well but this is making my closest friends get jealous of me and I hate it.After all,it isn’t my fault!!
blueberry says
Kara, I can totally relate! Every guy I go out with does this to me and it freaked me out so bad I stopped dating for almost a year. It’s the same thing over and over and over. I’ve tried wearing baggy sweaters and very little makeup… same thing every time though… it’s this crazy chase that starts and my anxiety over it goes through the roof because I’m already pretty picky about who I’ll even go on a date with and then to have them behave like that just freaks me out. I tell them to chill out, explain to them where I’m coming from and well a lot of it does not seem to sink in. Just last night I was on a date with a great guy, really great, but I have had to tell him to chill out a couple of times and he obeyed but so we were out and passed a jewellery store and he pulled me back to look at what was in the store window, aiming me at engagement rings and asked me which one I liked. then gave me that goofy “I’m SOOO in love with you” look!! holy freaked me out! because this was date #2 with this guy.
It’s sooo hard because actually really do like a lot of these guys but my anxiety level goes through the roof when date 2 or 3 comes along and you just KNOW they are going to force that committment talk and then either freak out because you aren’t over the moon in love with them as well.
I’m 40 years old but I take care of myself and look about 28 to 32 and I’ve tried dating younger and older and guys my own age and it’s pretty much all the same.
I have more lately tried talking to them to explain myself, my REAL self to them but it’s hard because yeah there is a lot I am not willing to discuss with a virtual stranger…
you can’t even be friends with the guys first because then they think that you don’t want them and get all hurt and pouty.
I get told this line repeatedly with major goofy i’m in love with you passion from just about every guy “I’ll give you anything you want, I’ll be everything you need, just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you”. I feel embarrassed for the guys because as sweet as that is, it just isn’t something you say on second or third date.
I don’t know how to control this situation and it’s exhausting to go through guy after guy after guy. blah!!!
Respect says
Re: Jessture
Regarding all these men who fall in love with you for years and years. Sounds to me like you don’t communicate clearly to them that you’re not interested in them – and why.
You are probably too “nice” to them and want to let them down gently, but all that does is give them false hope – which they fall back on when they get lonely (for whatever reason). Honesty and directness would appear to be the best way to handle these guys – i.e. respect, not treating them with kid gloves.
andy says
Sounds like the typical situation where women want it both ways. Women want to have instant chemistry with a guy and want to be swept off their feet… if its the right guy otherwise he ie just pathetic and they lose respect for him.
On the otherside when men play it cool, women wonder why they send mixed signals and are so hard to understand.
OP clearly needs to stop accepting these men take advances toward her.
June says
Wow, this situation is me to a tee. I am very fearful and Leary of the men that begin to fall so hard so fast. But there are an awful lot of men out there like this. I am in my late 40s and I do feel it’s looks that make men fall all over themselves. I was married to an actor and a model for 22 years and know that while attraction is necessary, it can not hold a relationship together. I want someone that looks past my appearance and sees my heart. Most men end up scaring me away with their admiration. I need a man who plays it cool so I don’t want to run. I’ve read the comments and some people on here just don’t get it. Online dating makes this issue even worse because men select based on appearance alone usually. It’s enough to make me want to never date again. .
Catherine says
I had this problem all thoughout my dating life. It always confused me why I hated it so much because isn’t this what you were susposed to want? I would hear complaints that all men wanted was sex and wouldn’t commit but I never saw these men. The problem was …they would bombard me before I even got a chance to like them. It was uncomfortable. I never married.
hunter says
…generally speaking…the sooner men fall in love…the sooner we earn time in the sack…
Rochelle says
This was a good read. I don’t think I’m above average in looks but I’ve been mistaken for as young as 17. And I’ve been attracting a number of men lately who seem to be blinded by chemistry and are coming on too strong and putting me on this high pedestal in just a few days of knowing each other. o_O I’m like we just met so they can’t possibly be sure that they want to be with me.. I’m thinking that these guys are going to implode. And the immense flattery they give me does seem chemistry driven. Having a history of always feeling like I was chasing, I’m not really used to all this attention and it kinda freaks me out. It also feels nice lol but I’ve been trying to slow them down. I think my approach is pretty in-line with what Evans suggests so this reinforced my beliefs!
BSer says
I have always found if a man is up front with me, I am with him. But if a smoke screen is the order of the day, well then, bring me a load of firewood!
BSer says
My niece, who is single again, has a tried and true method of revealing a man’s character…. Hold him at arm’s length for longer than usual…see who he really is, see what he’s made of – is he determined? is he easily discouraged? is he focused? is he calculating? How does he react to being held at arm’s length? When he doesn’t get his way, whether it’s being noticed by you, or talking with you or whatever – is he like a bratty 2 year old, or does he pull back, does he walk away, does he call you a bitch (or worse)? That tells you a lot about him. If he’s quick tempered or hot headed, you will know now!
She swears by this…if you try it, let me know how it goes for you!
JennLee says
I was reading the comments with a guy friend and he said yes and no to that method. He said it all depends on how she goes about it. He said that if we are talking about sex, then sure. But if she is basically acting disinterested, or just making him feel like he is no more than a friend, then he’s going to move on because more often than not, if a woman is treating you like nothing more than a friend, that’s all you are ever going to be. Better to look elsewhere.
He said that some women tried doing this test with him when he was younger and he didn’t realize it at the time. They would tell him that they just wanted to be friends, and if later something came out of that, great. He said that this fails for women because they don’t understand friendships among guys. He said that women often have a small circle of very close tight-knit friends. Men are more lone wolves, than women. According to him, they do group up into friendships out of convenience and proximity, often not by their choosing such as on a football team, or military unit. He said that it isn’t until much later, after having gone through many trials of fire with the same group of men, and learning that they could count on them, that their relationships begin to resemble those of women’s relationships. For women, even at younger ages, in friendships that don’t span decades, there is often an emotional connection with close friends. He said that for men, that emotional connection does not exist with friends, even close friends So to a man when you say you want to be friends, you are in effect telling him you don’t want an emotional connection with him. You are telling him that you are not the least bit interested in him romantically. So a smart man is going to move on, and keep looking for what he wants in other places.
I love having smart guy friends I can talk to. 🙂
Remy says
This is game you really shouldnt play anyone given the right circumstance can become all of those things you mentioned even woman we are human after all and capable of each emotion and action you just explained. She will end up with a cold emotionless person thinking she avoided the above by “keep him at arms length” I call it running game and I do it all the time, I bring up sex later than usual, I dont normally ask for date until later than usual. I pursue a woman but barely for her to get the know me. I play on mystery seems to be the only way to keep a lady. Just my opinion great damn topic though.
Vzen says
I enjoyed reading this post and was looking for that same topic… “I love you within a month.” I will say this, I’ve had the exact same experience and I can tell you for certain that my conduct did not draw them in, and I did not dress provocatively either. I’ve dated younger, the same age and this time I went for a man eleven years older….I’ve gotten the exact same experience. By the way, I am fifty-five, and no I don’t look it. This man has been the perfect gentleman, paid for all the dates and gives me a lot of attention. I have not been intimate with him, however he has begun to make a few advances in that direction and always says when “you are ready.” He has already begun to talk about being in love with me, and intends for us to have that until death do we part kind of future….wow…spooking me.
hunter says
..a mans biggest sex organ are his eyes, we know if we want a woman, just by looking at her…
ELIZ says
u know the guy likes u when he chats and chats and his eyes get bigger
hunter says
@eliz#55
…Ha!, he, he, how funny!….
Flowergirl says
God. I am in the same situation! Guys seem to fall head over heels for me, feel awe in my presence and squirt me with compliments on my looks, smarts etc. Most of them fall in “love” with me at first sight and go literally crazy for me if I reject. And when I let them get to know me, they just blurt out at one point that they do not like the real me. I try to tell them from the beginning that I am not the girl they imagine but they just get blinded by lust and such.
Lust prevails, love doesn’t. :/
starthrower68 says
This is why it’s foolish for women to be jealous of each other over looks or anything else. We all go through struggles or have something we’re dealing with. The world is better off when we enencourage and edify one another.
hunter says
starthrower68….I agree with you…well said…
Persephone says
I couldn’t agree more, starthrower! It tells a lot about a woman who gets jealous of another woman over looks. It’s actually quite common. You can tell right when you walk up to them and they start glancing from the top of your head down to your toes up and down. You can tell it’s jealousy and if they’re going to hate you. They make up lies about you when they act like that. It’s a very bad situation. We should be friends with each other. Women should try to build each other up as sisters.
boo says
Wow omg I’ve struggled with this for a long time and thought it was only me…. this guy I met now is not like that its such a change I like it! This helped so much!!! Thank you
Nicole says
Thank you for this. Thank you. It’s almost shameful to admit and I don’t know of anyone in my life that can relate. Bit this issue makes me feel lonely even though I get asked out constantly. I am intelligent and strong and I do have looks that are consisted exotic. I’m kind and logical and easy to communicate with. However. This leaves me skeptical and untrusting because I’m always pumping the brakes and I don’t want to constantly be told how incredible I am, how do you know after one or two dates? When I ask, I’m not looking to be lifted up, I don’t need reassurance in myself, I’m needing reassurance that in a relationship with you, you can see yourself and not get swept up in whatever feeling. It’s tiring and kinda sad, frustrating and exhausting. It’s lonely. I wasn’t always attractive to many, and even though I enjoy looking as I do, I do know the connections I had before seemed to be deeper and more genuine. Hang in there, yes, I will because I don’t have other choices. But how to stop myself from becoming jaded and impatient with men in the meanwhile. 🙁 I have children, I’m a student and I work. I want a partner but… One that will carry me when I’m weak, one who sees me. I won’t always look this way.
Tracy says
Be happy. I’m not at all attractive and have never had a guy gaga over me. I’m 36 and have never been married. Men only fall for attractive women and even when they are a piece of crap, men still want them. So again BE HAPPY. You could look like me!
Lisa says
Nope, I’m 38 and have never been married either and men fall for me based on looks all the time. Are you reading what she’s saying?
Lu says
I’ve had these same issues. Guys who act like I’m the best thing in the world, blonde, well traveled, educated, attractive. Then they don’t call? I ask why, they say they’re not up to my standards and I’m intimidating. I’m in my 50’s now. Guys my age don’t want to pursue or work hard. I was dating a guy I met online, he took his profile off before we met, he was sure I was the one. He instantly wanted a relationship, give me a key, move in together. Everything was heavenly for five weeks. We got in one argument, he disappeared.
Its all so frustrating, discouraging. I date a lot. They like my looks, humor, personality, put me on a pedestal, I fall for some, then it doesn’t last? I’m ready to give up. Maybe I try too hard?
Cora says
I have this exact same problem. I believe it is my fault. I do not have healthy enough boundaries and it is easy to spot and easy to take advantage of. The guy gets interested. We go out on a date or two – instead of keeping it cool and fun – it ends up getting way too personal, too close and too quickly (I don’t mean physical, although that can happen to people if not careful). Also, just kissing a guy – when I kiss – I can’t do so without putting my soul into it. I wish I didn’t actually. Or else basically I should only kiss the guy if I am 100% sure about him and his character and a possible future. But, I have been single for years and literally without physical contact from a man in 5 years – so this really screws me up when I am into someone and just trying to enjoy that closeness. It easily turns into my hormones raging and lots of kissing. It happened recently and I regret it. I’m not prude. But it seems its gotten to the point where I really feel I give myself – even in a kiss – and I want it to be given to the right man – not just out of lust but something deeper. So for that reason, I feel bad. Besides that, I have tried to clearly state that my intentions are to have fun and take it easy – basically almost saying I want friends with benefits. Guys say ok and they get it. But, it seems a game of push and pull (one I don’t want to play) because I am busy I am not into texting and calling constantly – it makes him want to do it more and more and more – and he does literally plan our lives and futures together right away – a big fantasy land of crap. Sorry I am cynical. I do not want fantasies anymore. I want reality. I need to take control over my behavior and not allow things to happen quickly or get close quickly. It is in my nature to be so open and share openly about myself and listen nonjudgementally to others – maybe that is something to do with this situation. So they begin to tell me personal stuff and I am so open about it generally if someone wants to know, I share also – but maybe that is not the best method when dating.
Cora says
Oops. I have one more thing to add to this. I forgot the letter mentioned that they “fall in love with her” and then leave her or stop contact and dump her, etc. For me, I get super overwhelmed with dating when this happens. I get a lot of anxiety and will end it before it even really begins if the man is over the top and has planned our lives out together and is sending me ridiculous texts all day and night. I am not interested in that and it causes me stress. My family thinks I don’t give guys a chance, but I am not interested in men like that. Also, I haven’t had the experience for them to just love me and get rid of me – because I end it before they can continue on with their love fantasy. Once I know what is going on I then stop it. I have tried to stop it and continue on with them but it’s not like you can change someone and their behavior..it takes time and effort on their part if they personally realize what they are doing and then have to work on making the changes. I need to make some changes myself.
Justinaharris says
I have been talking to this man on the phone about 1month now.we haven’t met.he’s already idealized me to how he think I should be.we had this discussion in a nice way.now he’s shutting me out.it bothers me I just want to go slow.
April says
I clicked on this one not because I think I’m amazing hot stuff, but because I’ve recently gotten back into dating and have noticed this huge, fast leap from men…too fast, too sure, too attracted…and I get so angry because I know they can’t back it up. I think they’re a little crazy and wonder how females get the “too emotional” title. Sometimes I wish I could just have an intervention with them to reconnect them with dating reality…where 99.9% of the people you meet are not your future spouse…and how you think you can predict a future only a couple dates and phone calls in, is aggravating…because I know this hot/cold game…one day you’re the best thing to happen to them and the next, they’ve disappeared and your heart breaks, because you just started to get interested. Ugh. Venting. Lol
DeeGee says
April said: “I’ve recently gotten back into dating and have noticed this huge, fast leap from men…too fast, too sure, too attracted …”
Is this perhaps because so many men are being taught that the only way they can get women is to be hunters, pickup artists, pursuers, …
GL says
I had one buy me a book as a surprise the first time we met. I also asked if he could give me a ride if he was in the area, and he left his job! I got so freaked out i gave him the cold shoulder and he got really angry with me. I told him he came off way to strong and I wanted to be friends. Then claimed that he wasn’t trying to be romantic. God!
GL says
This is good advice. I feel wounded after the last guy so I feel very strange these days when men go “gung ho.” I like the ones who are low key. I’m a size 18 right now, and well, guys do like that despite the claims that men only want thin women. I am attractive, been called “gorgeous,” “beautiful,” and “pretty.” In fact sometimes I’ve seen their eyes glaze over into this kind of stupor when I’m talking to them, and I become afraid. Beauty is great for hustling, but not for finding a man. You get a shitload of innapropriate suitors, especially the ones who want Miss Right Now.
Kim says
That’s very sound advice though I feel one important thing has been overlooked here.
There are lot’s of good men out there that do have a tendency to wear their heart on their sleeve & all men do ‘live in the moment’ however, there are also ‘predators’ out there, ones who will prey on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities for their own gain and those that ‘act now, think later’ which can explain the reason for some, the total u-turn in their feelings.
By your own admission you have said that you are currently dealing with insecurities of your own. (Good for you for having the self awareness and courage to admit that by the way.) So, I would suggest that in order to stand a better chance of weeding out those that do mean you and any potential relationship harm in whatever guise other than coming from a place of honesty and openness, that you spend time dealing with whatever insecurities you have first because predators can smell insecurities from a mile off and will waste no time trying to sweep you off your feet with their over- the-top gestures and faux declarations of love. This also ensures that you yourself are not an unwitting magnet that attracts these kinds of men and we do attract what we put out whether consciously or unconsciously. I hope this helps as you continue on your journey through life.
Lot’s of love and very best wishes to you Kara x
Whittles says
She is obviously co-dependent. I am co-dependent and every guy falls madly in love with me too quickly because I am subconsciously attracting that type of douche bag. It is SO subconscious. We think real relationships are boring. Real relationships practically disgust me they seem so boring. But I am tired of the drama and the “passion”, it’s all just lust. Co-dependents like me attract guys with our “exotic” charms, we seem “different than all the rest” but it is all a show orchestrated by our subconcious …that’s why WE cannot keep the relationship going because we want to come out with our real selves but we choose men who “love” us for the false mask we put on to attract them in the first place, then we eventually want out of the relationship because we never really liked the guy in the first place, we just wanted his admiration. I mean look at what she is saying, IT KEEPS HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO HER….the common denominator being HER. Co-dependency…a tricky thing…
Luna says
45 year old single mother here having the same problem with 45 – 55 year old men.
They don’t hear when I say I’m not perfect and that’s too early (usually 2nd date) for loving someone they just met. Their “love” actually freaks me out and scares me away.
And I’m no Victoria Secret model…
Girl says
I can relate to this completely, so much I started wondering what is so wrong with me. It’s always been like that, guys put me on a pedestal as to think I’m the perfect woman for them, and as they get to really know me the feeling goes away… really they just wake up one day and change. It really hurts me because even if I try to take things slow, I start to feel something, and then they just get tired of me. And it is always in the same way: we’re going out for some time, at first I’m the one who is a little distant but still I’m always sweet and kind to everyone and that’s what they say that there’s about me… they say I’m “different” somehow… but then I start to fall in love and we get really cute and are both supposedly falling for each other and one day it is gone and I’m left wondering what have I done wrong. The worst part is that every single time I meet someone new that I like I get more and more insecure because I know that it’s not gonna last, at some point they’ll leave… and they always do.
I really wonder if there’s gonna be anyone who decides to stay and like me for me.
Liz Miriam says
What do you all mean, where are all the good guys? There are everywhere. I have too many options and they all want a long term or marriage with me. My trouble is choosing the one I fancy and can love. I’m 45, look about 35 but no great beauty. Just take care of myself and love me and treat them kindly but don’t let them take me for granted. I never chase men, I think I’ve just gone lazy and selfish and interested in my own life more than any man. I used to be married to an abusive narcissist who took me for granted and nothing I did was ever enough. He robbed me blind and abandoned me with his own kids (thank God he’s gone). I may be a tad cynical now but there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. And any man who wants to be in my life has to prove he’s worthy and work for the privilege. Or he’s free to leave. None of them wanna leave. They compete with each other and try to do outdo one another in impressing me. And somehow I feel very ok with that lol. They are all at least 8-10 years younger than me as well. I think it’s a combination of having had enough of crap in my life and just becoming confident in my own skin that makes me comfortable to lean back and let men be men. And having read a few of these relationship books and articles on a site like this that really helps to bring out the best in men, and in me. I’m not complaining and thank God for how things worked out. I don’t sleep with any of them btw and they still stick around. I will choose the best performing man and marry him and then he can have full access to me. And at my age, I definitely know what I’m doing so with me any guy will become a stud, no doubt. I think a shift in how you see yourself makes a huge difference. Kissing is fine
Kelly Heykoop says
I can relate to this alot…guys fall head over heels for me …quick, really quick, like i was just in vegas n got proposed to the next morning after i met this guy n almost got married n he proceeded to stay tjere w me, my daughter n my mom for 3 days…knowing enough abput the favt that i have a boyfriend back home, we live across the counrty from eachother…its crazy…then my bf is just as in love with me. Completely puts me on a pedestal…and constantly tells me howuch he misses me n loves me…its just tooo much most tje time when i donf feel the same way…n when i find someone that i feel like that about i either get hurt or end up doing something dumb n ruining the whole thing. Ugh life is tough. My only thought of why its like this is because im an Empath n i connevt w ppl on another level that i think attracts them to me in a way theyve never felt n cant describe cu since i can remember giys have alwYs told me theres something about me they xant explain that drives them nuts…its cuz i know how they feel n to an extent what they r rhinking so i can be there for them without them asling n do things before they know what they need. Its cool for the most part. I duno just wanted to share all that.
Victoria says
Oh wow!!! This opened my eyes to alot of my relationship problems!!! The pedestal, the falling in love too fast or obsessed!! And the fall outs, they love you so much one week and hate you the next and want nothing to do with you, but we’re the ones who are crazy!!!! And sometimes, I have ex’s come out of nowhere regretting the break up. Either I got more prettier, or they’re really sincere, but I never believed them anyway. I am 41. I never thought I was beautiful till I took a good look at myself and constantly being told by friends that I am. But I’m also down to earth and have the personality to even attract a female. I have alot of friends, male and female. I get so frustrated!! No one loves me unconditionally and I don’t know why. Maybe it is me!! I once had a friend tell me the other night that she liked hanging out with me cuz I’m attractive and I bring all the men…..go figure!
Tee says
I don’t believe in unconditional romantic love, but I do believe in unconditional parental love. Everyone should have standards and a level of respect that if broken would be a deal breaker or relationship ending issue. For me it’s violence. No matter how much I might love a man, if ever he hits me in violence, it’s over. That’s like saying I hate you and never want to see you again.
Dreamer says
I think it’s a bit of an assumption to jump straight to the conclusion that Kara’s ‘attractive qualities’ are just about looks. I think there’s a lot to be said about your attitude and the energy you give off and how you strike that strong/vulnerable balance. If you come across as desirable and intriguing yet vulnerable, this seems to tap into some basic instinct in men. Being put on a pedestal is a crazy wonderful and then incredibly painful experience so it’s brilliant that you recognise it. It took me a while.
I’d say I’m about a 6 on the attractive scale, but I have men “fall in love” with me a lot. Often when they’ve only just met me a few hours, or even minutes before. I’m curious and a bit of a dreamer. I ask unexpected questions. I forget stuff, tending to get distracted by something new rather than finishing the task at hand. I care about people and kindness is one of my driving values. But I also have a great job and am intelligent. I tick a lot of desirable boxes being an attractive, intelligent woman, but my dreamer side means that I seem unattainable and that they also think they can protect me, fix me and help lead the way which is what really puts me on the pedestal, not my looks. I think they see me as an escape for whatever pent up emotions they have. Then, when I’ve already fallen for them, completely trust them and have gotten used to their ‘protection’… they start running away (after a few months or even a few years). What I’ve learnt is to never let a man think that just because I get lost in my thoughts, forget things or feel emotions strongly that they need to be the solution to that or be my protector, because even if that seems so romantic and wonderful at first, it will eventually turn into frustration that I’m not changing (from just being me), to resentment, to indifference… all the while I’m just being myself, loving this man and not realising this is happening until I get a massive heartbreak. It’s a pattern to break. I hate the idea of co-dependency, because I always wonder how a successful, intelligent woman could fall into such an obvious trap, but I’ve realised that it’s because I attract people who want to fix me when I don’t need fixing at all.
I’m not entirely sure how to spot the genuine ones, but I’m ready to trust my instinct! (and if they start turning up at my flat with tools to start fixing stuff the second time they stay over, yes that happened, then I’m going to kiss them, say thank you for the gesture and kindly let them know that I will ask for their help when I need it).
Jay says
This is for men and women. If you do make this common mistake, is it possible to rectify it with the person of your affections. Especially if you genuinely care about them.
Carri Jones says
This is quite a circular and redundant AND flat out futile discourse. Test them…I get it. For how long?????? I was stoked when I ran acRoss this blog. Torn between being confused by being admittedly insecure as o WHY men are enamored so quickly v I will sound supremely conceited if ever spoke with anyone on the issue.
At any rate, my consluson is not so philosophical. Whether you’re Susan from accounting or Natasha with 3 PhD’s and a modeling contract…
How to express your true self and also manage relationship growth…
ruth says
Fascinating article. I’ve been seeing a lot of this behaviour from men particularly recently, not just towards me, but watching male friends online and their antics.
Feeling in love is addictive and I think men who date a lot get addicted to those feelings, more than women who are looking for the long-term stable ‘safe’ feelings more often. For these guys, the feelings tend to dissipate, as Evan and folks here have pointed out, as soon as the woman becomes a real flesh and blood human being. She always knew she was, but the guy projected fantasies. Sex and all that is never going to live up to such insanely high expectations. Also post-sex guys often have a flat moment, then reality kicks in, the momentum plummets, just as the woman is starting to feel attached!
For the record, it’s not about being provocative or dressing provocatively. Speaking for myself I’m markedly unprovocative and don’t have the usual ‘look at me’ pics on social media. In fact I use the less glam, make-up free pics of myself. And you won’t get a hint of boobage either!
The thing is, for a guy who’s addicted to being in love, the chase, or some sort of narcissistic ego hit, the more you’re a challenge, or talented, charismatic etc, the more you’re a prize obviously. You’ll find such guys obsessing over your achievements, and it feels different from someone who just takes a normal intellectual interest. You can tell it’s about the obsessive guy’s view of you as a prize or conquest, it feels excessive.
Also for the record, asking a guy like this to slow down will just get him him more obsessed, that’s your red light there – a respectful guy will back down, not escalate.
Basically excess is the thing to look out for. Someone with his head screwed on and his ‘ducks in a row’ as they say, will pace himself, because he has self respect. If you value and enjoy your life and sanity you don’t risk it by indulging in extremes. There’s something ‘throwaway’ about love/sex addiction, like the person doesn’t respect their life, and they want to be overcome, overwhelmed – to lose themselves because they don;t like themselves, or their lives. Just look at how many alcoholics behave this way, the root is in depression or similar.
Same goes for women too. Though men are more likely to use sex/falling in love addiction as a distraction from pain. I think all of us, male and female can be very susceptible to the charms of someone falling hard for us, it’s exhilarating, until you learn the lesson the hard way. Just watch out for the excessive behaviour.
Shristi Kumar says
Amazing advice. I’m facing the same situation right now and it’s annoying!! I don’t like that everyone fall for my beauty and don’t connect with me in the real sense. I still have to come across the right guy who’ll connect with the real me.
LilMoo says
I have the same problem. No matter how I act, what I say, or how many insecurities I have, I can’t shake these guys. I find it easier to just freeze them out of my life, I know that’s cold, but I’ve had one too many ‘stalkery’ encounters and I’m not even in a relationship mentality or emotionally ready for a relationship yet. I’m a freshman in college and honestly I just want to work on my studies. I’ve never had a true guy friend because they all end up falling for an idealized version of me. I don’t even think it’s my looks, (I mean, I have an ok face and build I guess) but I think it’s mostly my personality and lifestyle. For example, my friends and I were having a study session, there was a new guy there who I barely even made eye contact with the whole night. I figured, ‘I’m probably never going to see this guy again so I might as well be myself around my friends instead of building a wall by not communicating with anyone at the table.’ So I was my normal relaxed, witty self and never saw the guy again. A few days later my friends were having another study session but my roommate and I stayed in our dorm. I got a call from my friends who were ‘studying’ and they started asking me if I liked that guy from the previous group study. I figured out pretty quickly, the guy must be in there with him. They were both talking to me which meant they were using speakerphone and they were studying the same material were were going over from before. Even if he wasn’t there or listening in, I was careful with my words, “idk I only met him once. I guess he’s ok, but I’m not looking for a relationship.” Long story short, I ignored him during our second encounter and our third encounter was tonight where we went to a party, he got drunk and confessed his ‘love’ for me, and then proceeded to throw up on me.
There are so many more stories like this one, I’ve had a guy tell me what university to go to, I’ve had more than one guy follow me to the bathroom, and I’ve even had a guy slam me into the lockers while all the other guys cheered him on. Idk what I’m doing wrong. I dress modestly, I mind my own business, and I don’t have many friends. How more average can a person get?
I’m sorry I went on this huge rant, it’s just, I’ve had this happen to me so many times and tonight a guy I barely know confessed his love and puked on me so this is where I came.