Why Is He So Into Me So Soon, And How Can I Slow Things Down?
It’s flattering when a guy says he loves you, but it can be overwhelming if it happens too soon into a relationship.
So if you’re wondering, “Why is he so into me so soon?” or “Why do I attract so many guys?” keep reading.
Men are notoriously attracted to what they don’t have. If he works 50 hours a week, has few close friends, and never receives any compliments, he’s likely starving for connection, affection, and physical touch.
If you’re naturally caring or nurturing, guys will fall for you. If you’re good at flirting or overtly sexual, guys will fall for you. If you’re a great listener and make men feel comfortable opening up to you, guys will fall for you. Of course, the problem is not that men are showing interest in you – it’s HOW they’re showing interest in you.
If he barely knows you but is talking about things like love and commitment, you have to learn to slow him down to meet you at your pace. Here’s a piece of expert advice from dating coach Evan Marc Katz on how to slow things down.
No spreadsheets, Kara. But everything else you’re saying really does strike a chord.
I discussed how difficult dating could be for attractive women last year, but this situation is different. Because you’re not complaining about men being intimidated by you; you’re complaining that their heads are in the clouds. And rightfully so. Which just goes to reinforce my same old point about chemistry — it’s an illusion, a projection, and a fantasy. It’s not that the feeling isn’t real or amazing; it’s that it’s so powerful as to blind you to reality.
Which just goes to reinforce my same old point about chemistry — it’s an illusion, a projection, and a fantasy.
Ready for Lasting Love? Ready for Lasting Love?
Chemistry is what allows women to put up with abusive, non-committal men, and what allows men to put up with selfish, high-maintenance women.
Alas, you can’t help it when someone feels chemistry for you. All you can do is attempt to manage it realistically.
Your observation about a man putting you up on a pedestal is reminiscent of my own Pedestal Principle, which I explain in Volume 4 of Finding the One Online: “Once you put someone up on a pedestal, he is immediately looking down at you.” Talk about a lose/lose scenario. Not only do you feel uncomfortable being idealized, but you lose respect for the person idealizing you.
“Once you put someone up on a pedestal, he is immediately looking down at you.”
Your instincts about how to handle this, Kara, seem to be admirable. You remind all of our readers that beautiful women have a really hard time connecting with men because men are so blinded by their beauty that they can’t see the rest of the picture clearly.
What these men don’t understand is that beautiful women don’t want fans or admirers; they want partners to see them, in full, as they are. I learned this the hard way — having put a woman up on a pedestal for upwards of 15 years.
She not only lost her attraction to me, but it took me many years and a lot of heartbreak to realize that she wasn’t as great as I thought she was. She even TOLD me this, but I wouldn’t listen. So I really get the concept behind wanting to offer full disclosure about your imperfections as soon as possible.
However, full disclosure is inorganic and clunky. You don’t tell someone on date 1 that you’re on Prozac or that you’re prone to fits of jealousy. Such things are revealed in the dating process so that they’re more easily digested.
How to Slow Things Down
No matter how you play it, Kara, it will take a special guy to handle you — one who is not blinded by beauty or rendered foolish in the face of brilliance. This man will reveal himself in how gracefully he treats you — not in how much he kisses your ass when he’s out to dinner with you.
Any man who starts with the pedestal stuff will immediately eliminate himself. As for your role in this — I would give you the same advice I just delivered to my amazing intern: be a woman. A real, stand-up, authentic, no-longer-a-girl, honest-to-goodness woman.
It’s not about being in control, or putting your cards out on the table, or setting arbitrary rules on the pace of your relationship. It’s about communicating fearlessly because you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
When a guy starts to get all ga-ga; you let him know that you think he’s amazing, but ga-ga’s not going to work. You’ll lose respect for him, and you don’t want to do that. Ask him to treat you the way he’d treat his best girl friend. With respect and kindness and chivalry. Ask him to go slow — not because you’re unattracted to him — but because you have seen your own tendency to dive in fast. The right guy will play it at your pace because he has something very real to gain.
So, do guys fall in love fast? Yes. Still, not every guy will pass this test of treating you as an equal. And when they don’t, that’s a red flag! You must be strong enough to walk away from these dead-end scenarios — forgoing the ego boost of having an admirer — and invest your time only in men who know what to do with a beautiful woman.
Trust me, there are a few of us left…