He Acts Like a Boyfriend But He Doesn’t Like the Title

I have been in an exclusive relationship with a man for 6 months now. He has shown up in every way AND more. I had major surgery and he stood by me, slept in the hospital, and took care of me at my worst for my 3-week recovery. He just took me on our first trip away. He wants to see me every day and I love that.

Basically though, I was blindsided the other day because after everything, he said that I am not his “girlfriend” and he doesn’t want the expectations that come with the title. Yet he says all the important people in his life know about us (family, close friends, few of which he has) and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else. I asked what would change with the title? We already have exactly what a relationship is and he “checks in” with me even though I don’t ask that of him.

He tells me to please be patient, that he’s never been with a woman like me, one who trusts and loves unconditionally and makes him feel good when he’s with me, yet he says he’s not with me with the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing! I don’t know if I should wait and see, since what we have is basically the committed relationship – until he made the comment that I m not his girlfriend, everything was great. Or should I move on at this point? Even his friends address me as his girlfriend and he doesn’t correct them, so why can’t he say the words to me? Yes, we are exclusive, and everything seemed and felt right, but I feel like he negated everything we have had now and feel like maybe I shouldn’t trust him. I hope you can answer! Thank you! –Kris

Dear Kris,

I’ll admit it. I don’t get men like this.

It doesn’t matter what an amazing guy he is if he’s told you things like “I never want to be married,” “I’m too busy for a relationship,” or “I’m not looking for anything serious.”

If he’s acting like a boyfriend, what’s the harm of calling you his girlfriend?

Beats the hell out of me.

And I can understand why it’s mystifying and why you’d be tempted to run.

Personally, I’m of two minds about the whole thing. Which is why I can’t weigh in all that heavily and tell you exactly what to do. But I hope to lay out the pros and the cons for you so that you can make an informed decision on your own, okay?

Cons: One of my dating credos is “believe the negative, ignore the positive”. In other words, it doesn’t matter what an amazing guy he is if he’s told you things like “I never want to be married,” “I’m too busy for a relationship,” “I’m not looking for anything serious,” and so on.

Women waste years on men who said they want a casual relationship on their terms only – and then claim to be shocked when it turns out he was telling the truth.

Next, I’m a big believer that good men do whatever it takes (within reason) to make their partners happy. Sometimes it’s sleeping at the hospital or taking care of your dog or fixing your car. And sometimes, it’s saying “I love you” or referring to you as his girlfriend, just because it makes you feel safe.

And if I have one big opposition to this man’s behavior, it’s that he’s standing on some sort of principle, putting his needs above yours, and refusing to take the very simple step of calling a spade a spade: yes, you’re his girlfriend.”

Add in the fact that “he doesn’t want the expectations that come with the title,” and, well, this is the one thing that I’m not sure I’d be able to get past if I were you.

I’m a big believer that good men do whatever it takes (within reason) to make their partners happy.

Then again, I don’t know how old he is, I don’t know his relationship history, and I don’t know his family history. Maybe he’s really young and doesn’t know how to compromise and please women. Maybe he’s really old and set in his ways. Maybe he got burned by his ex-wife and is unduly cautious of making a mistake or making promises he can’t keep. Maybe he comes from a divorced family where his father never said “I love you” to his mother. There are lots of possible explanations for his behavior.

Which is what brings me to the Pros. In your words:

Exclusive relationship with a man for 6 months now. Has shown up in every way AND more. I had major surgery and he stood by me, slept in the hospital, and took care of me at my worst for my 3-week recovery. He just took me on our first trip away. He wants to see me every day and I love that.
He tells me that he’s never been with a woman like me, one who trusts and loves unconditionally and makes him feel good when he’s with me.

Those are no small feats, in a world where you consistently hear about the lack of good men. Those things are the foundation of your six month relationship and the reason that you’re agonizing over this man who claims not to be your boyfriend.

And I must say: it’s entirely possible that he’s acting in full integrity, letting you know that he’s afraid of hurting you, that he wants to go slow and choose wisely, and that he really does value you and your relationship. He wants to be judged for his actions, not his words.

So what do you do, Kris?

I’d have this conversation with him. Try to get it on the table. Not to negotiate for the title of girlfriend, but to fully understand why it’s so important for him to reject the title and the responsibilities when he’s already acting like a full boyfriend to you. Make it clear that you’re trying to understand him and let him know that he wouldn’t have to do anything different, but that it would make you very happy if you could feel safe in knowing that he was your boyfriend.

And if, after this conversation, he can’t give you this nominal gift of safety, I would highly consider moving on to a man who has the ability to step up and make you feel safe.

It’s not that this is a bad guy at all, but rather that you might be waiting your whole life to hear some words that shouldn’t cost all that much to say.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    kimmy

    6 years with my boyfriend and after noticing he was kind of keeping me private i asked to let me know where i stand with him and he says we dont need a title. wow 6 years and now i thought i meant more to this guy. this truly touched me and opened my eyes.

  2. 92
    Stacey

    I’m so glad I found this post. I read through every comments carefully I’m currently in this situation. I’ve been dating someone for 6 months going 7 and he’s unwilling to call me his girlfriend. He keeps saying that i should be patient but yet does what a loving boyfriend would do. Take me out on dates, support me in every way, met my family met his. But one thing is that he’s never said I love you. I’ve asked him several times why he’s so scared of commitment he’s refusing to give me a reply. when his family member calls ne his GF he puts them straight abd says otherwise. After putting everything into consideration I decided to make myself less available to him, don’t usually text, see each other call as we used to. I know my worth but I think he’s failing to realise how much I value. My descion is to walk away and invest more time in myself.

  3. 93
    Joie

    I read through the first page of all the replies and I thought that I should leave mine here so that someone in the universe might find it and read it someday and learn something from it because I can honestly say that I did learn a lot from reading all of the replies… So I want to thank all you beautiful women for sharing your stories.

    was seeing someone for about a year, and we were living together

  4. 94
    Cherry

    Hi Evan and Kris,

    Evan, hands down you give the best advice. I didn’t read any other comments here, because I know in this kind of situations, women are ready to bash the guy, accusing him with using her for sex, blah blah blah. All the ideas from insecure women who wants to tie up the guy as soon as possible.

    I can completely understand where this guy is coming from. He is an unconventional thinker. He doesn’t want to follow the common rules that everyone is following. Nothing is wrong with that. Like Evan says, he wants to show his love with his actions, not words. And ladies that is exactly what you need to look at when you evaluate a guy. It doesn’t matter if he “labels” it or not, does he show that he cares about you? Women always know. Deep down we know if a guy cares about us, and if you do know it, then don’t push the guy for labels.

    Kris, my five cents, just go about your own business. Go out, have fun, take care of yourself, exercise, have exciting plans for your future, have fun dreams and share it with him time to time. Have different interests. Show him that your life is going on as exciting as it has been before you met him. I promise you he will want to be a part of your life. He will come around and tell you romantic things that you never thought you would hear from him.

    This guy is taking his time to make sure you are the right person for him and vice versa. Don’t nag him, don’t push him about it. Just show him that he has a lot to lose if he loses you by living a full life with a positive attitude. Don’t tell him that, show him that.

    All the best.

  5. 95
    desert

    Cherry: you have probably not dated a guy like this…they are time wasters. I just ended a “friendship” with someone like this who was willing to do anything for me. I do mean anything. His actions were that of my most loving bf’s… But not the one thing that mattered most: commit.

    It hurt and cost me a lot of sleepless nights. But in the long run it’s best. I deserve better.

  6. 96
    sweetlife

    You guys are all amazing. I too have been in this situation with a guy I had been dating for the past6 to 7 months. Everything started out great, he asked to see me a lot..we met online…he even told me that he deleted his online profile…which lead me to believe he was a bit more serious than I…and truth be told at the time I was not taking him seriously…so I thought it was only fair that if he was taking me seriously that I should do the same…we ended up together for another 3 months..and thats when I sort of asked him what we were doing..we had not been intimate either..he said he wanted to create a solid friendship before progressing. I’ll skip all the details but I had “broke up” with him because I felt that I was liking him more than he liked me…i told him this and he said he agreed. Then four days later I was like maybe I’m overreacting I mean we hadn’t spent much time together because of the winter weather and so I called him up and told him I wanted to be “friends” knowing well this time to be prepared for it not working at all.. The next three months were great..we spent pretty much every weekend together..he would make plans to include me…invite me to his coworkers going away events..to events with his college friends…and we had little disagreements when it came to certain things with relationships..but we were silly together..ahd similar goals when it came to homes (I’m 24 and he’s 25) and do just silly things that made our “relationship” unique..he told me all these great things about myself and I could tell he was falling for me but still not title…so recently we had an argument about something because he said words that hurt me…i told him that if he feels that way then he shouldn’t act the opposite..anywhoo i told him he could easily fix the situation by apologizing or even attempting to fix it and if he couldn’t do that then he wouldn’t see me again. I don’t think he thought i was serious but I ended up having him take me home and told him that we were ending..i just can’t be the only one fighting for a title or fighting to make things work…we gave each other a goodbye kiss and even before i arrived home I told him that i don’t think its either of our fault because honestly we just were not on the same page..i let him know Im looking for something more serious and I feel he just hasn’t explored or did what men feel they need to do before committing to someone…i gave him advice to take into life about himself and we kissed goodbye…he called me later on that night but I will admit I was pretty sad and cried myself to sleep…i called him back the next day to see if i had left something important at his house…but I did not want to contact him…he told me he had called to check to see if I was ok..and that he wished the world for me and how the night before was pretty hard without me there…how he would miss the things we did together and he can’t go to certain locations because it will remind him of me..i said I will miss u too and was basically saying yeah to everything he said because i was crying…I know that this is the right decision for me and this time I can make it because I expected this to happen…things like this cannot easily be brushed off..his actions were great and he treated me very well…like Kris’ guy…but also like her guy he was not wlling to say those words..and he had the reason of theres too much responsibility that comes with it…so in time he may be ready but for right now..im not waiting on him to be ready and I’m attempting to resume my life and actually get what i deserve out of love and relationships..though i am apprehensive now and just want to be single because I cannot believe how difficult this is…i never imagined that it would be hard for a man who likes a woman…says good things about her..treats her well..to not want to be in a relationship..but i digress..you life and you learn

    1. 96.1
      JennLee

      It sounds like he wanted a relationship with you, but he was afraid of transitions. He wanted it to be good, and fun, and wanted you to be sweet to him, and patient, and attentive, etc… He has likely seen where when relationships are new, the women were sweet, but later in the relationship, and usually after it is officially a long term one, he sees the women become different…less sweet, patient, less nurturing, less affectionate. it may also have happened to him. So he wanted to keep the relationship suspended in that early limbo area where you don’t feel so sure about it that you take him for granted, or start to get bossy. Who knows what things he is afraid of happening, but it seems clear to me that he wanted a relationship with you, he just wanted to keep it in a state that made him feel safe. I feel that he fears what will happen to the relationship once it transitions into a committed long term relationship.

      1. 96.1.1
        sweetlife

        Thanks JennLee for that insight. I am confused as to what to do, well maybe I know what to do (which is what I’m doing now…leave him…maybe he will realize it is better to take a chance than not have me…but then again lets not hold on to that). How do you work with people or men like this..when will they get over their fear? And how can I help myself to move on..I cried so many times already and it’s only been four days

        1. Karmic Equation

          Sweetlife,

          You’re only 24. You have a lot of life to live.

          You may not think so, but there WILL be another guy for you to love…and who will love you the way that you need to be shown love.

          Let this one go. Date. Have fun. Pay attention to a guy’s character and how he treats you. Accept only the ones with good character and who treat you well. If he’s hot and funny but makes you feel anxious, dump his *ss, even if the sex rocks your world.

          A lot of women say “sex isn’t important in a relationship, it’s character” — yet a lot of women will stay in relationships with men even when he treats her badly BECAUSE of the great sex. So women are lying to themselves, imo. Sex is MORE important to her than to the man because she’s willing to live an unhappy life to keep getting it. Men will not. No matter how hot the woman or how great the sex, eventually the man will leave if he’s treated badly. Which is a great shock to women who think hot sex will keep men around.

          Be good to yourself. Drama does NOT equal love. Love makes you feel content, not anxious, not upset.

          Find a guy who makes you content.

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