How Do I Get a Second Date if Our First Date Was Terrible?

Hi Evan. Recently I had a date with a guy in whom I was very interested… and I think I blew it! I had something shocking happen right before my date, and the stress took it’s toll on my mood and my appearance, plus the lighting in the restaurant really made me look horrible. It’s rare that I’ve been so attracted to a man so quickly, and I guess this made me doubly nervous, and I wasn’t my normal self. Also, I am getting over the flu, and I gained 5 pounds and hadn’t been working out for several weeks, so I felt very uncomfortable, and it showed. Nonetheless, we talked for 3 hours over dinner and for the most part, it was a lot of fun. Yet, I felt like his attention kept drifting to other people, particularly the attractive waitress, and I felt really diminished. And when the date was over it was like he couldn’t wait to get out of there and he didn’t walk me to my car. I was devastated. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. So how does one handle this kind of situation? Is there any way to get another chance, or should I just let him go?

Thanks very much. –Jem

Dear Jem,

Give yourself a break, sweetie. This is par for the course in dating. It’s happened to pretty much every man and every woman out there, and we all managed to survive.

I remember a date I had in 2006 where we had great chemistry, but somewhere along the line, I lost my sense of playfulness. I remember my date teasing me about being a dating coach and I just became really serious and earnest.

I could see her attraction drain from her body, and I spent the rest of the night scrambling, to no avail.

Once you put a man up on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.

There was no convincing her that she was wrong – because she wasn’t wrong. I acted like a needy dork and I paid the price.

There would be no second date for me – the confident and irrepressible dating coach.

I wrestled with my embarrassment, beat myself up for a week, and went back to the drawing board.

I met my wife a few months later.

So instead of wondering how you can get another chance or what you can do to make him forget what he experienced, how about you change focus here?

What are you going to do to make sure that the next time you meet an attractive guy, you don’t act like a Nervous Nellie?

At this point, I only think it’s appropriate to cite Alison Armstrong, who says that when you have a “10” chemistry with a man… run in the opposite direction. For the very reason you stated, Jem. You can’t be yourself around him. You’re not comfortable. You’re not confident. You’re not relaxed or funny or even particularly likeable.

So you’re faced with two choices: either choose to date men who you can be yourself around, without losing your cool… or learn to treat hot guys the way you treat regular guys.

See, this is what I call The Pedestal Principle – which I first wrote about in Finding the One Online: “Once you put a man up on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.”

Same way YOU’D feel if some strange guy acted all weird and nervous and told you that you were the most beautiful woman in the world and that he hopes you like him and that he knows he’s being a little weird tonight, but he’s not normally like this, and are you enjoying your food, because from that look on your face, it’s kind of hard to tell, and I’m putting my foot in my mouth right now, aren’t I?

Doesn’t mean this guy isn’t the best person in the whole world. Just means that he’s not going to get a second date with you.

The next time you’re with a cute guy, try treating him like your best girlfriend. You know, the one you can say anything to? The one who loves you unconditionally and laughs at all your silly jokes? The one who never judges you and makes you feel amazing?

Around her, you’re confident. You’re not worried if she’s going to like you, or if she’s going to still be friends with you in two hours.

Men and women are both suckers for confidence. If you have it, most guys will want to see you again. If you don’t, very few men will.

It’s not much more complicated than that.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    AllenB

    his attention kept drifting to other people, particularly the attractive waitress, and I felt really diminished. And when the date was over it was like he couldn’t wait to get out of there and he didn’t walk me to my car.


    @OP Don’t forget, you are checking out him as much as he is checking out you on a date. He should have remained focused on you having a good time and making you feel cared about and safe regardless of how bad your day was! He will make a horrible partner. How will he treat you when you are low after being laid off, or if both of your parents die within six months of one another? Maybe he will have an affair.  Maybe not, but I doubt he will put much effort into being supportive.
    He failed to demonstrate compassion and integrity regardless of how his date was feeling. Maybe he was having a bad day too. You can keep rationalizing and you can stay hooked on him, or look at all the evidence and make yourself ready to let go of it.

  2. 2
    Christina

    Evan’s right- this has probably happened to just about everyone. After beating up on yourself a bit, it’s best just to move on. Even if he gave you another chance, you’d probably be even more nervous. 

    In future, it’s probably best to remember that even great initial attraction or chemistry doesn’t mean a whole lot in the long run. And as Evan says, if this really gets in the way of you being yourself and having a good time, avoid these guys until you can not lose your cool around them. Even super-hot guys are just people- they’re not better than you. They’re just hot. :-) 

  3. 3
    Jen

    Jen, while it’s understandable to want to beat yourself up, it only serves to make you feel all the more devastated and rejected. Things happen in life that are sometimes beyond our control, and you did your best to make the most of your date. So hold your head high and quietly let him go. Do not judge yourself or your dating life based on this incident, as that will only serve to compound any negativity you may feel. And BTW, a true gentleman would have escorted you to your car, regardless of his attraction level toward you, and wished you a safe ride home and a good night. Something tells me that all that glitters was not gold with the guy.

  4. 4
    DinaStrange

    I had a similar experience. I met someone and the chemistry was crazy. He also had some of the qualities i was looking for and guess what. I made a major mistake. I put him on a pedestal. It was me who should have been there, not him. Well, the result was expected. He actually did think he deserved something better. What is even worse, than person is going to come back, but considering how he behaved when i was at my weakest, i doubt i will take him back.

    Lesson learned, never let anyone to think they are better than you are. 

  5. 5
    moe

    You guys talked for 3 hours! on the first date, 3 HOURS? I think he must have liked you enough to let it go on for that long. Hey, it doesnt hurt to wait and see if he contacts you again of course.

    Never contact him first, but definitely dont write him off just yet. Maybe he’ll contact you on his own terms.

  6. 6
    Ruby

    moe #5

    I once spent 3 hours chatting with a man over coffee on a first date. I also assumed he was interested, but at the end of the date, he let me know that he had no romantic interest. He was attractive, but not hot, btw. He also checked out the waitress, as well as other women. It didn’t bother him to blow an afternoon having a pleasant chat; obviously, he had nothing better to do.  

    An important aspect of dating is being able to read the other person’s signals. Whether the guy was a “10″ or a “5″ is immaterial; he just wasn’t into Jem, and a man who makes you feel “diminished” right off the bat isn’t the right one for you. I doubt all the external factors she’s concerned about made any real difference.

  7. 7
    Nicole

    @Moe (and Ruby),
    I agree…someone can enjoy your conversation even if they know they never want to see you naked…not everyone is going to run away from a date even if they don’t want another one.  And I think some people have said that they’ve wound up being friends with people with whom they shared to spark.  So there is that incentive if you are so inclined.

    I wouldn’t read too much into a good conversation other than that it was a good conversation.

    I’m not sure why people think that is a sign of anything other than perhaps two talkative people who have a lot to say.   

  8. 8
    kdr

    “. . . some strange guy acted all weird and nervous and told you that you were the most beautiful woman in the world and that he hopes you like him and that he knows he’s being a little weird tonight, but he’s not normally like this, and are you enjoying your food, because from that look on your face, it’s kind of hard to tell, and I’m putting my foot in my mouth right now, aren’t I?”
    Ha! I immediately thought of that scene in the movie “Swingers” where the Jon Favreau character leaves a series of voice messages on the answering machine of a girl he’d met that night in a bar; the messages gradually increasing in their cringe-inducing-ness until  . . . well, you have to rent the movie.


  9. 9
    Zann

    I agree with Nicole and Ruby about 3 hours of conversation not being an indicator of anything. Some people just really like to engage. And some people just really, REALLY like to hear themselves talk.

    From your description of his behavior, I’m thinking you dodged a bullet with this one. There are always exceptions, of course, but I continue to believe that any guy who cannot restrain himself from overtly ogling other woman when he’s supposed to be focusing on getting to know me is a guy I don’t want a second date with. The same goes for not walking you to your car. I mean, really? He can’t take an extra 3 minutes to accompany you to your car? He’s either arrogant and assumes his time is way too valuable to waste on being considerate, or he’s clueless. Or both. Either way, and his hotness notwithstanding, there are better men out there waiting to meet you have yet to meet.  Don’t waste another minute fretting over this one. Best of luck.

  10. 10
    henriette

    Who’s Alison Armstrong and why should I care what she thinks?  Whoever she is, I happen to agree with her…

  11. 11
    sarahrahrah!

    I, too, have been in this position and have felt that a first date with match with potential  was ended because I was not at my best.
    My new strategy is to postpone a date with a promising guy if I’m “off.”  My rationale for doing this is that if a guy is interested in you, he is likely to be understanding if you have to postpone plans (with an adequate warning and explanation).  However, I only have one chance to make a first impression.  Therefore, he may be a little put off with me having to reschedule a date, but may be more than willing to overlook this if we have a great time and he finds me attractive.  On the other hand, if I rush over to meet him for a lunch hour date when I’m in the middle of an office remodel and I’m covered in dirt and look atrocious, it won’t matter if I was on time or not. 
    Like it or not, first impressions matter and I’m starting to realize the importance of making a good one when dating.  Hopefully Jem will give herself permission to take a rain check in the future if the timing of the date doesn’t allow her to put her best foot forward.

  12. 12
    SalsaQ

    The degree to which first impressions matter speaks to the quality of the man in question. It is naive to assume they don’t matter at all, but if you are dismissed solely because you were in a somewhat bad mood or you couldn’t get the top up on your convertible, what are the chances of a relationship with that man surviving the long haul?

  13. 13
    Still-Looking

    SalsaQ @12 – your hair is a mess, your clothes are soaking wet, and you have a broken heel b/c your car broke down 3 blocks from the restaurant — I’m going to be impressed that you still showed up and very impressed if you are able to laugh it off.  It would show some very admirable traits.

    If, on the other hand, you show up with perfect make-up and impeccably dressed but in a foul mood, for reasons unknown to me, then I’m going to be turned off.  A person is judged, like it or not, on primarily two criteria during a first date — appearance and personality.  Regardless of attractiveness, if a woman’s personality isn’t appealing then why in the world would I ask her out again on a hope and a hunch that she was just having a bad day?  If I’m rude to the waiter 3 times during the evening are you going to give me a second chance?  Most people I know are polite and pleasant regardless of what else might be going on in their lives. 

  14. 14
    SalsaQ

    @Still-looking  When I am rude for reasons unknown to you you don’t ask me out again. It is on me to make it known why I am quiet, or terse, and can be apologetic about it.  If I don’t explain that is on me, and you can discount me. When I do explain, a compassionate and understanding man is supportive and maybe I will ease up.  I have dated men who spent time with me anyway when I was in an awful mood, and they listened, and were sympathetic, maybe brought a little fun into the outing anyway, won gold stars, and asked me out again.
     
    That is the kind of man I want to be with. Not one that puts up with me being nasty all the time, but one who understands and sympathizes when it has been a tough day/week/month and supports me like I will do to him.

  15. 15
    Nicole

    Whether it is a date or an interview, sometimes the first impression is the only one that matters, and if you blow it, you don’t get a second chance at bat.  
    Maybe they would have liked you/hired you on your best day, but there is no way to get past the bad first meeting. 

  16. 16
    SalsaQ

    Suppose you are at your best for every first, second and third and fourth date.  Suppose he never sees you down or angry or less than your best until date five?  Would you rather find out then he will not put up with anything besides your most cheerful and together self, or would you rather find out on date one?
     
    Be real
    to thyself be true
    to learn
    if he loves
    the real you.

  17. 17
    Michael17

    Sarahrahrah! #11: I would say that you need to be careful with the rescheduling option. There is a chance that the guy might think you are blowing him off, and even if he completely understands, there is always a chance that the date might not  happen. I mean, you both might not be free until a week out, and well, a lot can happen in a week. He might go on a great date with someone in the meanwhile.

    I agree with Still-Looking #13. If a date had car trouble or some other obstacle but she still found a way to make the date nonetheless–both physically and mentally, I would be truly impressed. Even if he looked a tad disheveled. You see, this is your chance to really make the effort for us and stand out without coming across as smothering.

     

  18. 18
    JB

    Well I think this may be pertinent in this thread  but it’s actually a sequel to my story in the thread “Falling In Love: It Happens Faster You Think” where I met the woman from Match had what was in my mind an amazing 3 hr date. We made a follow up date but she canceled because she met someone else on the site she had a “connection” with (and took down her profile for btw) but she said we could still hang out if I wanted. Where upon I politely thanked her and declined and told her to concentrate on her new guy and if it didn’t work out to let me know….yadda yadda yadda…..
    Well the next day I thought about it and I emailed her to just call her bluff and see if she WAS just saying it etc….. I thanked her for being honest and said sure I’d like to hang out if she wanted because I loved talking with her because it really was effortless and enjoyable. Never thinking she actually would because I thought she was “just saying it to be nice”. Low and behold 3 days later I get a text asking me if I want to hang out. To make a long story short she canceled that one but we met a week later (after I initiated) for a burger and she insisted on picking up the check. After another hour of what I consider great conversation she said she was going home to “watch TV”??? She gave me the “friend hug” goodbye before I walked her to her car. Niether of us has contacted each other since then 11 days ago. I’m still trying to figure out why a woman who just met someone she liked enough to take her profile down for would need or want to hang out with me one more time (4 weeks later) AND pick up the check?? No, I didn’t ask her…lol I felt like saying “what are we doing here?” But really I don’t have to be Greg Behrendt (or you Evan) to know “She’s just not that into me”….lol

  19. 19
    kenley

    @18 JB

    I think she hung out with you because she likes you — as a friend.  She paid because she wanted to make it clear to you that the two of you weren’t on a date, you were just spending time with a friend.   

    She also may have hung out with you because she wanted to enjoy the company of a man without the pressure of dating.  Things may not have worked out with the other guy but she probably didn’t want to tell you that because she doesn’t see a romantic future with you and letting you know that she’s back on the market might get your hopes up. 

     

  20. 20
    K

    I agree with Kenley.  If I could have hung out as friends with the last several guys I ended things with I would have (and paid).  I enjoyed their company, but didn’t want to date them.  I didn’t though raise that issue with them.  And who knows maybe something could have developed in a non-pressure hanging out environment.  Unfortunately after a few dates if I can’t get the right vibe I don’t like to lead people on.

  21. 21
    Joe

    I dunno…paying for JB sounds to me more date-ish than if they’d said, “You pay for you, I’ll pay for me.”

  22. 22
    Michael17

    SalsaQ #12:
     
    I’m not sure I agree. As I said in #17, not looking as “made up” as you would like is one thing, but showing up acting rudely is another. Even if you “explain what is bothering you”. The “right guy” will not put up with it, just as the “right woman” will put up with a guy who is boring on the first date.
     
    Women are looking for chemistry and connection, even on the first date. Quality women are too. Why can’t quality men be looking for the same thing as well? To be “quality” we have to put up with your “somewhat bad” mood on a first date?
     
    I’m not sure if this is what you intended, but your post smacked of “feminine entitlement”.
     
     
     
     

  23. 23
    JB

    @Kenley…. If things didn’t “work out” with the other guy I’m sure her profile would be back up considering she paid for 6 months and took it down at the 3 week mark after meeting me and just 3 other guys. She hasn’t even logged into her Match acct. since she told me about “him”. If her profile was back up then I would know she was back looking even though it wouldn’t mean a thing for me other than better closure.

    And really does anyone in this day and age have that kind of time where you’d want to “hang out” with somone of the opposite sex who you aren’t attracted to and you’d just had 1 meet & greet date with?? I know I’m entertaining and all but come on. I know I certainly wouldn’t be “hanging out” with let alone paying for a woman I wasn’t attracted to and I don’t know any men that would either. Especially if I’d just met some other woman that I took my profile down for!! I went through with it all because 1. to me she’s adorable and 2. I thought for sure she’d cancel right up until the time of the date. I kept waiting for THAT text…LOL

    @Joe…..no I thought it was more because I’d paid for the our first “meet & greet” like every guy in the world does for the most part so this was her way of making it “even” and not feeling guilty. Very nice of her but I guess she never got the memo that if you’re not into someone it’s just best to say it directly if even in an email the day after a “meet & greet” instead of dragging it out etc….. by accepting dates, canceling them, making hang out “non” dates and paying for them. She doesn’t owe me anything, I spent 27 dollars….lol hardly steak & lobster. Obviously she doesn’t know “the rules” we’ve all set for the world on this blog!

    None of this by the way has kept me from doing anything the last month. I’ve been emailing and meeting others just like I normally would. Sadly….. I can’t get HER out of my head but I will with time. Even with all I know and have learned it’s hard to erase the memory or not think there’s a tiny glimmer of “hope”……… :-)

  24. 24
    Karl R

    SalsaQ said: (#16)
    “Suppose he never sees you down or angry or less than your best until date five?  Would you rather find out then he will not put up with anything besides your most cheerful and together self, or would you rather find out on date one?”

    I expect any adult to be capable of putting their best foot forward. If I’m in a serious relationship, eventually she will meet my boss, my friends, my family. I want her to be capable of being acceptable company even if she’s had a horrible day up to that point. It’s a basic skill for anyone who holds a professional job.

    Certain kinds of behavior are okay on a first date. Shy, quiet or flustered will get a break. Terse, rude or an awful mood probably won’t.

    SalsaQ said: (#14)
    “I have dated men who spent time with me anyway when I was in an awful mood, and they listened, and were sympathetic, maybe brought a little fun into the outing anyway, won gold stars, and asked me out again.”

    If you are having an off day, you’re at your date’s mercy. He can either write you off immediately, or he can give you a break. The choice is his. You can’t make him give you a break, no matter how much you believe you deserve one.

    If you want to empower your dating, then you need to look for opportunities to give your date a break. This rule is true whether you are a man or a woman. You can give your date a second chance regardless of how little they deserve it. You get the gold stars. You get the second date which wouldn’t otherwise have happened.

    If you come across poorly on a first date, you’ll probably have to shrug it off and move on, because 90% of the men/women out there won’t give you a break. But if your date comes across poorly on the first date, you can choose to be the exception 100% of the time.

    The difference, SalsaQ, is you’re looking at what your date could do differently. I succeeded by looking at what I could do differently.

  25. 25
    SalsaQ

    @Karl R and @Michael17
     
    You read too much into what I was saying. My point is it is not a good idea to cancel a date at the last minute just because you are not at your best. I am not saying put on your rude face and revel in it to test your date, or that you should not work to shake off your mood.  I am saying that seeing if my date can deal with a less than perfect mood is not such a bad thing.

  26. 26
    JB

    Well sadly I learned a very valuable lesson. After 13 days of no contact between us (pretty much over in my mind)out of the blue she texts me and says “Hi,hope you had a good week. Enjoy the beautiful weather”. Well of course the idiot that I am thinking that it might be a sign of change of mind or situation can’t just ignore it or say “you too” so I text back “Hope all is well, if you ever feel like getting together let me know”. (I’m a glutton for punishment…lol) She immediately texts back “how bout tomorrow?” So now I’m delusionally thinking ….maybe???
     
    Well after a couple of hours of very uncomfortable(to me) but pleasant conversation (where by the way she NEVER mentions her new guy) at a TGIF’s and finally finding out she was divorced twice and dumped pregnant at 17 by her fiance’ we left with a couple of friend hugs. I felt so emasculated. I had never sat across from a woman I was so attracted to knowing she felt nothing for me before. It was excruciating. (Something I’ll never knowingly do again by the way.) I couldn’t help thinking about the line in the Whitesnake song “The sun shining, but it’s raining in my heart”. I was very sad and angry not at her but at myself for putting myself in such a situation just “to see what would happen”.
    I emailed her the next day and said basically “this hanging out thing isn’t what I’m looking for thank you and goodbye but can you please just answer this for me”. Why a woman who just met a guy on Match she takes her profile down for after only being on 3 weeks needs to hangout platonically with another man? 

    My question to all of you is isn’t the new boyfriend supposed to be fulfilling that basic need of friendship and companionship especially at the beginning or am I crazy? I would hope if it were me I would that’s for sure! You know this isn’t my first rodeo,I’ve only been dating 33 yrs. What do I know? Not enough, that’s for sure… :-(
     
    In her return email all she could say was “I’ve always had male friends so I didn’t think it would be an issue”. You didn’t think it would be an issue? Really?? This woman is a solid “9″. She’s 47 and could pass for 40. I can’t believe that she’s had a lot of men that JUST wanted to be her “friend” and it’s never caused any drama in her twice divorced life. You just met a guy on Match you really really like and you need and have time for “this”? I wonder how he’d feel about it IF he knew. Let’s reverse it…..truthfully ladies, how many women on this blog if they just met a guy online they really like and took their profile down for would have no problem with their guy “hanging out with smokin hot woman chatting” and paying for the date just so he could have a new “friend”? This isn’t an old woman friend from before he met you. This is another Match competitor he may have met even after you but before you were solid. I thought the whole object of “taking your profile down” was that you wouldn’t be seeing other people?
     
    For the record I know that men and woman can just be friends but not when there’s that massive attraction imbalance because it’s only going to cause the the person who’s interested in more that friendship pain. The person with the power can really care less because they’re not emotionally attached to the outcome of losing a so called “friend” anymore than this woman was.
     
    My initial reaction to all this WAS the correct one. When I just said thank you for being honest and good luck on the phone the first time but I couldn’t let it go. I would’ve never forgave myself for not at least trying even if it hurt……and it did a lot.

  27. 27
    Karl R

    JB said: (#26)
    “I felt so emasculated. I had never sat across from a woman I was so attracted to knowing she felt nothing for me before. It was excruciating.”

    You’re 40-something, and this has never happened to you before?

    For most of us, that’s been a normal part of our lives since we were teenagers. It’s not an everyday thing, but it’s happened more times than I could conveniently count. I don’t find it emasculating or painful. It’s just mildly disappointing.

    JB said: (#26)
    “For the record I know that men and woman can just be friends but not when there’s that massive attraction imbalance because it’s only going to cause the the person who’s interested in more that friendship pain.”

    I’m friends with a number of women where there’s an attraction imbalance (in either direction). It works just fine if the person (who is attracted) is able to accept that the other person does not want more than friendship.

  28. 28
    JB

    Yeah Karl, thanks for chiming in I always value your insight. Honestly in my adult life that had never happened to me before maybe because I’ve always taken careful precaution to not let it or ever be near that type of situation. I’m not talking about the cute girl you had a crush on in high school that you were sitting across from at some party and she didn’t know you existed. Or in your case a girl at the dance or whatever. Of course that’s happened to every one.

    And the attraction imbalance….yeah I’m not able to accept that in my life right now as I told her “it’s not only not conducive to me finding a real girlfriend, it’s “counter productive” and she understood. It’s not fair to all the current women I’m meeting on Match to have HER on my mind and in my heart. That’s where she would be if we continued to “hang out”. Not to mention you feel that she’s pitty’ing you as she’s sitting across from you knowing that she’s happy and has a new boyfriend and I’m some chode fawning over her etc….. I couldn’t even concentrate on what we were talking about because I didn’t think it was authentic.

    I didn’t mean to hijack the thread or get off topic I just know that the people on here are the best in the world at helping us all understand different perspectives and I had nowhere else to turn. I value your guys opinions even if I don’t agree with them.

    I’ve got a couple of dates lined up and no they won’t be “like her” but I’ll go on them with an open mind and give them a chance. :-)

  29. 29
    judy

    Love the comments from Karl.
    I think the date was a prat.  He could have taken her to the car, for heaven’s sake.  For me, if a man does not accompany me to a taxi, or to a car, or otherwise show me he’s concerned for my safety, he is O U T.  (Sorry guys – no excuse whatsoever – if you can’t give a damn about her physical safety, the sex will be just as awful).
    A long-term relationship started on the wrong foot.  I had come back from a long journey (work), was absolutely exhausted, and met him for the first time in a take-away.  Yes, he noticed me.  (even if I was half dead) but made no move.  So I just shrugged and thought, the hell with it.
    Fast forward one or two weeks – I’m walking down the street in jeans and a ratty jumper, completely at easy with myself, no make-up and he falls in love with me on the spot.
    Male and female logic.  We were together for four years, and absolutely madly in love.

  30. 30
    Gina

    This response was amazing! I sooo needed to read this. I just BLEW my second date with a guy I was totally into :( I had a bit too much to drink, had to leave the beautiful restaurant we were at and go straight home. He was nice enough to take the cab all the way home with me to make sure that I got home okay and while in the cab, I opened the door and threw up!!!  I apologized profusely the following morning via text, he told me everything was fine but when I called him that night, he didn’t pick up and the rest is history! I’ve been beating myself up for it … but I know with in a few days I’ll get over it and go back to the drawing board. RIGHT NOW THO … IT STILL SUCKS!!!! 

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