Should I Text Him?

Should I Text Him Flowchart

One of the most popular questions I get is about texting. When should you do it? When should you not do it? I think this chart just about sums it up.

Personally, I think texting is great for sweet nothings during the day, to tell someone you’re running late, to ask for directions, or when you’re in a meeting and too busy to talk. Otherwise, as a means of communication, it SUCKS. There should never ever ever be a meaningful conversation that takes place via text. And if you disagree, don’t get mad at me when your boyfriend breaks up with you via text.

A larger version of the chart is available by going here.

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  1. 1

    Wow, great flowchart! I’m a text addict, and I’m sure I’m gonna refer to this a lot. If only I had my hands on the flowchart many years ago..

  2. 2

    FWIW, the image  is not clickable at this time.

  3. 3

    This has got to be the best flowchart ever regarding texting.   I love it!!   Thanks for posting it.

    P.S.    Texting sucks, specially if you’re trying to get to know the person.    

  4. 4

    I had been the victim and the perpetrator of too much texting in romance. With life being so multi-dimensional, it happens to be the easiest thing. Sure it starts out as harmless, but it can easily lead to some poor miscommunication even if illicit substances are not mixed in. I was in contact with a guy crush for 2 years who I knew from the gym, who only could communicate on Facebook chat and text.   We did speak on the phone occasionally and saw one another weekly at the gym, but the real attraction and chemistry grew over technology. It was so weird at first to like someone and be in constant contact with them for hours at a time but never having to sit face to face. When we did get to have real intimacy, because it was lingering on two years too long, and I was feeling I better seek this out or I would be wondering, “what if” when I dated others and only had attractive feelings for him, the real deal was happening without the electronic devices, was almost surreal. So we got close, and it was fine, but days later I made the big mistake of sending him multiple texts while he was working, about how good our time was and let’s do it again soon. Typically, his reply was, “you are texting me too much, it is a turn off!” That certainly made me stop and he apologized. But it was a moment of truth for me to realize how my actions were viewed as distractions. And worst, I looked desperate and needy, not good qualities to have someone I like think about me. I think those are the 2 worst things a person can do to sabotage any attraction, in any kind of relationship. Easily, I could I have lost him completely but I did not. He started up with the flirtation and I played it   cool in the responses I sent back via text. We got close a few times after, but eventually it just fizzled out with no hard feelings, or rejections. We were just not on the same schedules to continue the chemistry. This year I even deleted his number from my phone, I have it if needed in old emails. But right now I really do not need to dial those digits to ask him anything. I saw him at the gym and we spoke normally, but I did not feel eager at all to engage in any extra communication than what was going on in the present moment.   Each experience is always a lesson learned in love and dating. When I was in love with my ex boyfriend for 8 years, there was no such thing as text messaging. He actually had set up my email account and I was so bored by it at first. Sometimes, I wish we can go back to the times of the regular telephone and handwritten notes, communication could have been less complex between the sexes.
    One thing I want to include in this feedback submission here, is that I have gotten some of the weirdest text messages from guys I meet only online (Match, EHarmony, Ok Cupid, and Jdate). Most of the creepy, stalker, and annoying texts have all been from guys I give out my cell phone number too after they ask to go out, and met when joining an online dating service. The profiles seem normal and the pictures attractive, the email interactions are positive but when they ask for my number, or I go out with them one or two times for a drink or bite too eat at a local cafe, I noticed a pattern of receiving some strange texts after wards, which tend to turn me off from the whole situation and any attractive feelings I have for these guys easily leave. Do not know why that is? Text messaging should be simple not an interrogation or a therapy session. When you coach clients (male and female) who go online to find love let them know that texting   and “sexting” should really be reserved for when you get to know someone well, not based on what they write on a dating profile. Go out and interact with this person in real life before your words may get misconstrued electronically.

  5. 5

    The chart looks kind of fun, but really don’t use a flow chart to make your own decisions. Put yourself in HIS shoes and think how it will make him feel, not how you hope it will make him feel. THen use your own heart and mind to decide   if you are still not sure.  

  6. 6

    Haha, your last line is awesome…that’s exactly my stance on guys I meet online who insist on only texting me…don’t be mad when you receive that “I’m just not feelin it” text! The chart is pretty right on btw, I saw it a little earlier and it makes a lot of sense.

  7. 7

    When in doubt, DO NOT TEXT!

  8. 8

    I had a woman cancel a “meet & greet” on me by text 10 minutes before our agreed upon time to meet. 1 hour after our phone conversation confirmation.

    Last week after a woman asked me out by text on Wednesday night she canceled by text on Thursday night…LOL We’d only had one “meet & greet” prior but still.

    I know men are just as bad, but I don’t date men. 😉

    For the record. I’ve never asked anyone out by text or canceled a date by text. It’s low class.

  9. 9

    About a month ago, the comic strip Doonesbury had a sequence where a young woman (Alex) gets stuck in a snowstorm and starts stressing out that her boyfriend Leo hasn’t proposed to her, so she decides to propose — by text!

  10. 10

    Texting is pedestrian behaviour in a budding relationship. I only ever text family and friends – texting has replaced the phone as the instrument of rude mannerisms.
    I remember in ancient times before the advent of portable phones, when you had to show up in person because it was not possible to reach people by phone at the last minute – everyone made more effort – maybe that’s the downside to this lifestyle, as people we’re just as disposable as the phones we use.

  11. 11

    The digital lifestyle, including online personals, has also changed dating. Contacts with possible partners are not nearly as valued as they once were. We have this big menu of people to choose from, so people are much quicker to say “next” as soon as there is one little problem or perceived deficiency. I think people are more prone to stop seeing someone and run rather than try to communicate through any problems or disagreements that arise because they know they can easily go and find more possibles. Online personals has made dating easier in some ways, but something has been lost too.

    1. 11.1

      exactly! it’s horrible these days

    2. 11.2

      Just had a nice relationship end via text because of a minor communication error.   It’s tragic.   I feel bad for my 18 year old son.    People don’t actually have the skills to work through obstacles .

  12. 12

    Totally agree!!! I kno if several ppl who hve broken up over misinterp via txt

  13. 13

    Katt @ 12 – assume you are taking the piss, if not sheesh…

    In intimate relationships, particularly in the earlier phases, texting can be the work of the devil.   Have been with my bloke 4.5 months and when we’re not in the same city (which is regularly) texting does not work.   So easy to miss the mark about needing to respond/acknowledge and timelines for such.   Even with seemingly banal stuff.   I’ve found myself wound up too many times interpreting what might or might not be behind the dynamic.   Now I’m much more likely to make a call.

    With friends & family its not such a biggie.  


  14. 14
    Tao Of Badass

    Seriously people please take this flow chart with a grain of salt since it’s a opinion of one person.

    1. 14.1

      For goodness’ sake, I don’t think Evan is recommending u consult this flow chart everytime u think about texting someone, lol. Overall i think it’s just a recommendation to text less, especially in dating, generally only when Necessary, with rare exceptions.

  15. 15

    This flow chart is pretty spot on. I only use texting as a last minute thing, to let someone know I’m running late, where exactly to meet in a crowded venue and similar situations.  
    A few years back I got involved with a guy who used text and IM as his main type of communication. Being a fairly honest person I didn’t expect people to be blatantly dishonest to me as in why would they say those nice things if they didn’t mean it? I was a texting rookie who initially thought it was great fun to send and receive a text. I finally worked out that what he said in a text was not what he said over the phone or to my face. Words and actions didn’t match! You just can’t have a real relationship with someone via text messaging, IM’ing or emails.  
    I’m more careful who I give my number to these days and if I find a guy who wants to text more than talk or get together, its a red flag. Lesson learned!

  16. 16

    Haha I definitely agree on this, I try to minimise texting, ESPECIALLY in dating. Btw it reminds me of the 5-second rule flow chart, to guide u on when u can eat food that’s fallen on the floor. Freaking hilarious =)

  17. 17

    My name is Kim and for the past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster with a guy from a dating site. He acknowledged we had a lot in common and took to texting. Well thank you for your web site. I’ve been on all but one dating site that Lulu is on. I have yet to meet someone I connect with. All we are doing is just texting hi and small talk. He has called me twice but, it’s taking me out of my box. First the sexy pic’s then phone sex. Second time we were suppose to meet and he is getting sick and called me on the phone saying he didn’t want me to feel bad. I let him know I didn’t take it personal and let him know what I really was looking for it ended in sex. After reading everyone’s insight on here I realized what has been gnawing at me the whole time. What I have to do. Thank you everyone!  I’m so glad I found you. Gratefully your new fan, Kim

  18. 18

    I went on a blind date yesterday because she took the initiative and texted me. A friend had asked if I was up for a blind date with a friend of his wife, I said sure and he gave his wife my number, she gave it to her etc.. So she texted me, (despite the disgust of her daughter who thinks men should do all the chasing) the text was polite and just asked to chat and maybe arrange a coffee.   I was impressed, replied, called her up and we did it. No drama – yaaaaaaaaaaaay

  19. 19

    Texting is consistently viewed by guys on OLD as the next step to communication beyond the site, which is sad because it’s such a poor way to get to know someone new.   It feels impersonal and I find it so strange that men I meet nearly always want to text only.   Even once they meet me they tend to text rather than call.   I look back at my phone records and invariably there are phone calls from family, my clients, friends, my coach… Yet not one of the guys I have dated recently has had the desire to hear the inflections of my voice.

    I’m supposed to be evaluating this person as a dating prospect and life partner.   I give up,

  20. 20
    c jacobs

    Replying to this is one of the one zillion misc things I am doing instead of texting him. The sad truth is, I found I was initiating more texts, and though he seemed to love them, they volleyed a little less each time, with shorter responses, and the phone calls from him dropped off. So, 6 days since the last text (and I don’t call him since he’s a pilot and his schedule is crazy eat/sleep/fly). I’m in this dreaded ‘cone of silence’ yet to see if he really is still interested. Guys, if a woman drops off the face of the earth, she’s probably waiting for the pursuit. Six days. Six long days, but if I do it- I stand a chance of killing the relationship off for good. It may take a day, it may take a year, but if he’s meant for me, he’ll miss me and call. It can’t be any other way. I broke the rules on this chart a few times, and now this is where I’m at. Pay attention ladies. More initiation may pay at first, but will give you diminishing returns, and then ‘the vine of silence’ will need to be paid eventually, and worst of all, when you are emotionally invested. Wish me luck. I need it!

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