How Much Time You Should Give a Guy to Commit Before You Quit

I received this email the other day from a woman who read Why He Disappeared.

I found it frustrating – but really, I was feeling frustration on HER behalf. This woman is tearing her hair out because she doesn’t know how to apply my advice. And her frustration is what spurred me to write today’s post.

I think your advice is contradictory. You imply that you should get rid of the guys that don’t call regularly and make it obvious that they want to date and pursue a relationship and yet in the book you mention that you didn’t take your wife on a proper date for the first 4 weeks and how great she was that when you did call she was nice and said yes to whatever you proposed doing…and you ended up married….which is why women put up with flaky guys and “bad behavior”, holding out hope that it will change and turn into something serious. Like your relationship.

So which is it? Are you always nice when they call and say “yes” to the date? Or do you move on to the next guy because this one isn’t making much of an effort? For some people the 4 weeks turns into 4 months without them noticing and by then they’re in that pattern…and the behavior becomes acceptable yet unfulfilling and it’s too late to change it because you’ve been the “nice”, undemanding girl the whole time.

Tanya

My first inclination was to defend myself.

After all, I understand what I’m talking about!

But if Tanya is finding this grey area to be a bit too grey, then I have to acknowledge that perhaps I can do a better job of explaining it.

So let’s take a real-life example, shall we?

You don’t win this war by waiting him out and hoping he falls for you after four months or six months or one year of casual sex.

Janie is a private client who signed up for my 8-week Passion Course.

I like Janie a lot. She’s the type of client I’d be friends with in real life. Positive attitude. Good sense of humor. Understands men and lets them be themselves.

Which is why I wasn’t at all surprised when she met a man only two weeks into our coaching sessions.

What DID surprise me is that, after the initial chemistry rush, Janie settled into a low-intensity pseudo-relationship that didn’t leave her at all satisfied.

Like Tanya – and my wife – she was trying to be the cool girl, but she took it too far.

She needed me to set her straight and show her what her guy was actually thinking.

So why does a man only call or text you once a week to make plans?

Why is a man perfectly content only seeing you once every two weeks?

Why is a man not clamoring to reserve his weekends for you, or take you on a short vacation, or meet your friends and family?

The answer is simple:

He doesn’t want to!

If a man texts you once a week…

If he doesn’t make time to see you regularly…

If he expresses no interest in escalating the intensity of the relationship…

That’s EXACTLY the relationship that HE wants!

Low-intensity. Low-pressure. Low commitment. Low drama.

He wins. You lose.

He’s content. You’re not.

You don’t win this war by waiting him out and hoping he falls for you after four months or six months or one year of casual sex.

You win this one by assessing his efforts and concluding that you’re wasting your time.

There’s a huge difference between giving a guy six weeks to choose you over the other women he’s dating… and to be a sucker for hanging around when you’re merely (and clearly) his “once a week” girl.

Application of this made-up “rule” is surprisingly simple.

When you start dating, Don’t Do Anything. He calls, he texts, he emails – you just “mirror” his efforts and give him enthusiasm and warmth every time.

If he doesn’t follow through fast enough or often enough, make a mental note: “Hmm… this probably means that he’s a) dating other people and isn’t sure whether I’m “the one” OR b) he’s just not that into me and using me for now.”

This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. This means he’s a regular guy.

This is how we work.

I may have casually seen my wife for the first 4 weeks of our relationship, but I would always email the next day to say I had fun. I was the one who was making the effort to see her more. She didn’t have to do anything except say yes and not judge me while I worked it all out in my head.

There’s a huge difference between giving a guy six weeks to choose you over the other women he’s dating… and to be a sucker for hanging around when you’re merely (and clearly) his “once a week” girl.

So don’t worry about how much you like him, how strong your feelings are, or anything like that.

Just evaluate your man on the effort he’s making for you.

You’ve had boyfriends before, right?

How did they act? Did they “see you” once a week for six months and suddenly declare their love?

NO!!!

Potential boyfriends act like potential boyfriends.

So give a guy 6-8 weeks to figure out his feelings, if necessary. And if you don’t get the sense that the relationship is growing, the talk is brief and emotionless:

“Hey Adam, it’s been fun getting to know you, but I get the sense that we’re not on the same page. I need a man who is looking for a relationship and you don’t seem to be that guy. No hard feelings, but I’m going to go find that guy. Best of luck in your search. Take care of yourself.”

You’re free. And, yes, it’s that simple.

If he values you, he’ll fight for you.

But chances are he’ll know that you’re right. He’ll know he was using you. He’ll know that his string of good luck has come to an end. And he’ll let you go quite easily.

When the relationship is growing – like it was for me in 2007 – you may just have a moment like this:

One night, when we were eating Chinese food and watching TV, I turned to my future-bride-to-be and said, “I think you’re my girlfriend.”

She said, with a coy smile, “I think I am.”

It was that simple.

I wanted to lock her in. I let her know.

The right guy always does.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Kathleen

    Simple, concise and impactful article!!!! Love the advice to mirror!!

  2. 2
    Spiral

    My personal take on wasting time: I was in a relationship with a guy for 14 years and he never proposed. I kept waiting and hoping and being understanding until one bright day I woke up! I realized we both needed someone different but neither of us had the courage to act on it.
    After we broke up, he moved in with a new girl six months later, and proposed to her after 18 months. She was the right girl for him at the right time and he knew it. He locked her in.

    1. 2.1
      Diana

      That’s so sad. I have been talking to this guy for 3 years and he still won’t commit and I ‘m not even asking for a ring! I have tried to break it off many times and then he will contact me a month later and we would go through the whole cycle again. This article made me realize he just doesn’t want to! I guess I knew that deep down but it’s starting to break through now.

  3. 3
    Ellen

    Evan has nailed it again! So true and how I operate now.

    I will say, though, that my last “steady”, and I use that term loosely, played hard to get emotionally, but I went by his actions which were wanting to see me nearly every weekend- for 7 months.

    He would occasionally mutter needing being free, “dating casually” and just based on that alone I should have walked (about month three or four). But I mistakenly went by his actions, not words.

    His actions were encouraging (wanting to see me weekly pretty much), continuing to woo me by movies/dinner out, etc., his words were alluring (promising business trips primarily or us travelling together eventually), but in the end he kept me at arm’s length emotionally. Was really rather good at it and I think had done it a lot in the 5 years he had been divorced.

    The end came when, despite his promising actions and words, he came back from Hong Kong and posted new pics of himself on okcupid. Ouch. Goodbye time finally for me.

    The kicker was I never expected commitment given our age difference and his preference for casual dating. I was just soooo tired from online dating I decided to take a break with him. Our chemistry was fantastic, I’ve been married twice before, so it just felt right.

    But the problem is I gave half my heart to him over the 7 months despite trying to hold back as much as possible. Women just bond quicker.

    Still, I’ve decided I want to be taken seriously, respected and no matter what I secretly hope for in a relationship I want the guy to WANT to be my boyfriend. We’ll sort thru the details later. It’s just more complicated when you’re in your fifties, have been married before and already have children. BTDT.

    Kudos to you Evan for spreading the word on how to respond to men. Women have been doormats, too accommodating for too long. The paradigm is changing folks!!! About TIME. Just in time for our granddaughters. lol

  4. 4
    Lara

    Very sweet!

  5. 5
    EA

    You can wait as long as you want, it doesn’t matter. If the answer is going to be that he realizes his good luck has ended and he lets you fly free, it will be that answer in 6 weeks or 16 years – as it has been with me. Go with your gut and do it sooner than later.

  6. 6
    EA

    @Spiral – what happened to you used to be my biggest fear. How are you faring?

    I’m hoping the relationship between us has run its course and I won’t be bothered by the eventuality of him proposing to someone else. 

  7. 7
    Henriette

    I love posts like this, Evan: the more specific the information, the better! 
    One danger I often encounter with the online dating is how easy it is to slip into the daily email, but only seeing each other in person once in a while.  I don’t want to be some guy’s penpal!  But it can be difficult to go from establishing that original connection over the computer – often with a guy who feels more comfortable behind a laptop screen than face to face with a woman – and then have it transition to seeing each other frequently.  But your same good advice applies to this situation, too… if he can’t/ doesn’t want to step it up (from daily emails to frequent in-person interaction), it’s time to give him The Talk and cut him loose.

  8. 8
    Dawn

    I keep telling myself that the “right” guy isn’t coming into the picture because I’m not ready for him yet.  However, when I meet a guy that makes me feel good…I expect more. When I don’t get it I whine.  LOL…I know this about myself, so I laugh at myself.
    It is about their effort…if they aren’t putting in, then why are you hanging on?  Why not cast yourself out again and see what you get…I think most of us women make things to easy for guys…and cry and whine to our friends that he’s not giving us enough, and yet we settle for that “once a week”.
    Be honest. With yourself…and with him.  You have nothing to lose, and everything in the end to gain.

  9. 9
    Lemon Zest

    When you start dating, Don’t Do Anything. He calls, he texts, he emails – you just “mirror” his efforts and give him enthusiasm and warmth every time.”
    First let me say that I do like Evan’s “mirroring” strategy, it’s empowering and simple, and I do plan to continue with it.  However, I would like to know at what point the woman is supposed to stop mirroring and initiate contact.  I think mirroring may have backfired for me in my last “almost” relationship.  I dated this guy for only about a month, and he was doing most of the calling and texting and I consistently responded warmly and positively.  After 4 weeks of daily calls and texts and seeing him 2 or 3 times a week and every weekend, and basically acting like a potential boyfriend, he suddenly “disappeared.” Everything had been going very well, so I was stunned to receive a break-up e-mail, where he identified this “red flag” that made him decide he didn’t want to continue:
    It seems that you feel everything needs to come from me. I made the comment a week or so ago that I had not heard from you… Going all the way back to high school, I have never been in a relationship where I was essentially the sole originator of all communications.”
     
    When he says he “had not heard” from me, I’m presuming he meant that I didn’t initiate a call to him.  We had just exchanged texts the day before, so I was confused when he made that comment, since it didn’t even occur to me that he was expecting me to call him.
     
    I was under the impression that the mirroring continues until you know the guy is your boyfriend.  I was expecting that to happen but instead he decided to bail on me, because I wasn’t calling him and asking him out.  What kind of man would leave a woman because she gives him space to figure out what he wants.  It is disturbing that a man would use that as a reason to break up.
     

  10. 10
    nathan

    I don’t believe in this one way effort thing. Yes, ever the contrarian I guess. In my experience, it has always been the case that the dating situations that turned into relationships involved both sides doing some initiating, putting in some effort, taking the risk of rejection. In other words, we took turns mirroring to demonstrate our interest. 
     
    When I have done all, or most of the work in the beginning, it’s always led nowhere. Some of you might chalk that up to just meeting women who weren’t interested, and I would agree – they weren’t interested, or only mildly interested. However, it’s also the case that plenty of daters out there these days will happily go along for the ride for awhile for some casual fun. And yet if you are a man – or woman – who is always putting in the effort, it’s easy enough to be fooled by someone who says they want a relationship, but really doesn’t. Because they never have to step up and show that they are interested. Mirroring can be a sign of interest, but these days, it’s also a commonplace mask casual folks employ to keep things going longer.
     
     

  11. 11
    Joe

    I’m wondering, how do you rationalize the disconnect between not taking your wife on a proper date for 4 weeks, with the advice you’re giving Tanya?

  12. 12
    justme

    I don’t think there is a disconnect at all.  For 4 weeks they were probably talking and getting to know each other better.  She was probably talking and going out on dates as well during that time.   It’s not like that they met, said “Let’s be exclusive” and THEN didn’t go on a date for 4 weeks.  They met, spent a little time getting to know each other better and during that time, they decided they thought enough of the other to go on a date~sorta how getting to know someone/dating is supposed to work.  

  13. 13
    helene

    The thing I can never figure out with the “once a week dates” (no I don’t mean booty calls) guys, or the “frequent e-mails but hardly ever want to meet up ” guys is why they bother at all?? If I was so uninterested in someone that I only wanted to see them once a week or send e-mails, it would signify that I wans’t interested in them AT ALL – so I wouldn’t even bother with them to that extent!

    I HATE the once- a- week- date guys  – you let it go the first couple of weeks to be accommodating and resist the urge to “tell them what to do” then it horribly morphs into “its always been like this why are you getting so upset about it?”

    I was introduced to a guy about 3 weeks ago by a mutual friend who set us up on a blind date (which went well) - but it literally took him A WEEK to even text me after the date! (By which point I’d spent 2 days “waiting by the phone”, 2 days feeling rubbish about myself because he hadn’t called, and the rest of the week convincing myself of all the reasons why I didn’t like him) When he DID get in touch I agreed to see him again (our mutual friend convinced me he was actually keen but a bit clueless, having been married for 20 years and his wife died 4 years ago). Second date also went well, and I did get a brief text on my way home saying “Nice goodnight kiss!”…. then nothing. Another week has gone by. I’ve decided if he does get in touch then I’m not going to see him again anyway – I can’t live like this. Valentines day all alone, not so much as a text, let alone a card, or flowers or a date.  

    Evan, your wife may have stuck this out for 4 weeks but I have to say I don’t think that’s recommendable – she was the “exception and not the rule” as they say in the film…. most of us who meet these once a week guys are doomed, they DON’T step it up all of a sudden. 

  14. 14
    Nicole

    @Joe, re-read the post.  That isn’t what he said at all.  He said that he saw her “casually” for the first 4 weeks.  That is not the same as saying he saw her one time in 4 weeks.  He’s just saying he didn’t proclaim his undying love and say that they were exclusive and all of that stuff.

    So no contradiction at all.  He’s saying that you can’t take it easy for someone who hasn’t taken any steps to move forward with you after you wait patiently for a reasonable amount of time.

    So he would not condone someone just dropping in on you casually for months and months.   I think that point is that you can’t pressure someone to decide in a week but a man who decides that he wants to be with you won’t take a year to figure that out.  That’s kind of why a guy who bounces or doesn’t commit to one woman will commit to another. Okay guy with the wrong lady isn’t going to go anywhere.

  15. 15
    Karen

    OMIGOD I LOVE THIS! I just HAD the 6-8 week talk TODAY, am JUST NOW reading this, AND THE GUY’S NAME IS ADAM TOO!!!! WOW! Timely and a half! I wasn’t completely emotionless about it, but I was clear and brief. AND I feel EXTREMELY good about it. And you know, Adam IS a great guy, but just not for me. I’ve been reading this blog for a few months now. Excellent work Evan! Thanks!

  16. 16
    Sherel

    I saw my SO on average once on weekends for the first 2-3 months.  It was fine with me.  We did take 2 great trips together during that time and talked daily .  I think it depends on the couple.  We are older, been married and are single parents and live abot 25 miles apart.   Seeing someone initially so frequently is more than I want.  I think relationships start off backwards.  As you get to know and care for a person you want to spend more time IMO

  17. 17
    JB

    @Lemon Zest, I keep track of how often a woman initiates contact with me in every dating scenario I’m in just to kind of judge interest level. Just like how long it takes someone to return a call, email, text etc…. I can just kind of get a “feel” as guy how much a woman may or may not be into me. I can’t say I’ve ever really held it against her unless she blatantly always returns a call the next day or I ALWAYS get voicemail.
    I can’t say that if a woman never initiates contact and everything else is going perfect that I’d be happy but there’s a lot variables in most situations. At mine and Ellen’s age (50 and up) we have to be a little more flexible because of our options being somewhat limited than say a 32 yr.old….LOL

  18. 18
    Barnett

    Maybe the only reason why the guy keeps the relationship at low density, for he just like being ‘friends with benefits‘ but its never really good to try to maintain a relationship like this. Someone’s bond to get hurt!

    LOVE is like fire, so it is wise not to play around with it. Maybe to avoid low density relationships as such, it would be wise to wait sex out until marriage that is if your relationship is that serious. 

  19. 19
    Kym

    Just before Thanksgiving of 2010, I went out with a guy that I met on Match.  He was great looking, the same age as me (49), smart, funny, generous, adult, fit, healthy, playful, emotionally available, nice, sexy and fun to be with.  His divorce was a little fresh (about a year) and his kids a little young (6 &10, and mine are adults), but I thought it was worth exploring. We went out only about once every couple of weeks for about four months. He didn’t call for days after our dates, and although we always had a really great time together, seemed pretty clear to me that things weren’t going any where. (Thanks to Evan for helping me to see that.)
     
    I continued going out on Match dates, continued going out on my own, kept busy, and didn’t invest much emotion in the relationship. Still, I wasn’t quite ready to write him off all together, and continued to see him occasionally.  In March, I took myself on an incredible two-week vacation to Costa Rica and was only able to email him once or twice.  When my return flight landed at 1:00 am, he sent me a text telling me that he was picking me up- and he did. We started going out several times a week, he called me nearly every day, and soon I realized that he thought he was my boyfriend.  THEN I took down my Match profile and stopped dating other guys.
     
    Its nearly a year later, and this is the happiest, healthiest and easiest relationship either of us have every had.  I feel deeply loved, honored and respected. This guy was definitely worth waiting for, but there is no way that I would kept seeing him much longer if things hadn’t changed. I think he realized that and stepped up.
     
    Oh, and why did he take so long to make me his girlfriend?  According to him, when we met, he had recently broken up with someone he dated for six months, he was trying to keep his business afloat by himself, he was living with a terrible roommate and needed to move, cared for his children every weekend and was generally overwhelmed.  He did eventually make room for me in his life – it took a bit more than 6 weeks, but it wasn’t 6 months, either.

  20. 20
    SnowdropExplodes

    @ Lemon Zest:
    It may sound odd, but (some) guys like to feel wanted too.   If we always initiate, it can feel as though a woman is just being polite, but isn’t really that interested (I see Nathan @ #10 made a similar point).   For that sort of man (and yes, I fall into that category) there is no encouragement like the occasional unprompted email, text or phone call.   If you just mirror, then it doesn’t matter how warm or positive it is, it’s not encouraging because it had to be prompted (much like how, if you ask a partner “do you love me?” then even though they say “yes” enthusiastically, it doesn’t mean very much, and certainly not as much as if they say they love you without being asked).
    Now, I like to get frequent contact with someone I am dating or hoping to date soon, so I often initiate anyway, but if it happens all the time then however interested I was to start with, it starts to dissipate.
    I think the 6-8 week guideline is pretty good, I know it tends to take me that long to feel someone out and get my head around how I feel about her.   But a part of what I’m feeling out is how much she invests in the potential relationship, including whether she’s interested in me enough to want to say stuff to me of her own accord.

  21. 21
    Saint Stephen

    I agree with Nathan and SnowdropExplodes
    I don’t think that the mirroring concept means that you should absolutely do nothing but means that you should let the guy do more of the chasing and initiating.
    Whenever I’ve been the only one calling, texting and emailing for a period of three to four weeks, I mostly lost interest for further communication because in the the few times i tried in the past – I ended up with a woman who didn’t know how to reject me – or men – because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or the woman who had someone she was interested in but just wants to string you along till anytime the other dude shows proper interest for a serious relationship. And finally, you have the other woman who just wants to use you in learning how to date – those are the three different categories of women who don’t do anything in the early phase of a relationship. How about when i call you five times, you call me once or twice in reciprocation? By that way you’d still be applying the mirroring concept and at the same time showing the guy that you are interested in him as much as he’s into you and he wouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.   

  22. 22
    Katarina Phang

    Women can show interest in so many different ways without initiating.  I am very touchy-feely and expressive with my feelings.  If I like a man a lot, I will generously say so or show him PDA.  That can feel a bit too much for a guy if I also initiate the callings, texting etc…unless he specifically says he wants me to.

    If he’s been actively initiating and then he goes silent, I don’t mind sending a text just to touch base.  Not too much though.  Guys always love moderation when it comes to women initiating/pursuing.

     

  23. 23
    helene

    Guys, I think we’re discussing rather different scenarios here…. if you ARE attentive, calling, e-mailing, taking her out, then the issue kinda doesn’t arise… women will just naturally start initiating some of the contact because its so obvious you’re interested and prepared to take on the male role that they don’t have to consciously hold back and things will just evolve in a normal way. Where women are encouraged to just mirror is with guys who are NOT initiating much contact – there, the natural tendancy would be to step into the breach which is exactly the WRONG thing to do with a guy who isn’t making much effort. In no time you’ve either emasculated him or just ruined the relationship dynamics…. 

    I do think, though, that this is an area where men don’t know themselves very well – they THINK they’d love it if a woman initiated the contacts….untill it actually happens to them ! In no time they feel overwhelmed and smothered and they run for the hills! Same with women initiating sex…. sounds great till she starts stripping in the middle of the final round of the US Masters.  

  24. 24
    AS

    Great advice as usual :-) I’m jumping on the bandwagon here and saying really liked your tip on mirroring and the added advice of the other readers, about also giving a little back outside of this to show your level of interest, otherwise the guy is not getting any signals back.

  25. 25
    Gem

    I’m a huge fan of mirroring! In my experience, when a man is interested in a woman, he goes after her. He pursues and doesn’t much keep score between how many times he’s initiated compared to her–so long as he’s getting glaring green lights when he does call and sees her.
     
    Especially in the very beginning (first few weeks), I think a woman should let the man pursue and do very little by way of pursual, meaning trying to set up the next date. The exception, for me, has been an occasional unsolicited text saying something cute, sassy, funny–nothing boring like “just wanted to say hi.”
    This is only in the beginning while his pursuit is more casual and we’re getting to know each other. Once he steps it up with communication and increasing dates–like a momentum is happening, I’ll call occasionally too but I still tend to let them ask to see me.
     
    I’m engaged now to a hunter who made his interest very obvious. He said that my lack of pursual (because most women he dated DID pursue) made him think I was dating others and figuring out my feelings for him. He stepped up his game because he wanted to win me. He asked for exclusivity after 3 weeks. It’s been 5 months now and we just got engaged.
     
    I let him lead, gave him major green lights. I was dating others very casually but I wanted my fiance’. I showed my interest without chasing. It’s a fine line that everyone needs to be comfortable with. My fiance’ is a traditional man, a hunter. The kind I like and he liked the fact that he pursued and won me!

  26. 26
    Ellen

    Before mirroring became the norm (at least on this site- it needs to go viral imo), women went slow, feigned disinterest (I have on occasion) ’cause men have SUCH a rep as commitment phobes that really you guys have us near paralyzed.

    The coolest thing I read here was Evan’s remark that men are sexual and emotional hypocrites. In my dating, and admittedly I haven’t dated enough emotionally available guys, I have always, always gotten burned if I led with my heart, if I made my feelings known AT ALL. Guys love to spew the worst, the most outrageous compliments, insincere emotional crap to get you in bed, but God help you if you are yourself and do likewise.

    So we shut up. It’s up to you to decide if it’s disinterest, the above or something else. We learned long ago to keep our mouths shut until we heard “I love you” or something damned close.
    Luckily, lately, I’m with a great, sexy guy who encourages me to open up, to get affectionate. He is gunning to be my boyfriend and it feels marvelous. Only took three years folks! He came along only two months after I broke up with what turned out to be the biggest (secret) player on the planet. I feel vindicated and very lucky finally.
     

  27. 27
    Joe

    I think there’s a bit of a paradox.  Most people don’t want to date someone who doesn’t have much going on in their life, right?  You don’t want someone who just sits home every night watching TV.  However, those are the people whose schedules are flexible enough to date you multiple times a week, right off the bat–if that’s what you think makes a person a worthy BF/GF.  Everyone else will have to make space in their schedule in order to do that, and you won’t know whether or not a person is worth rescheduling your life until you’ve been out with them a handful of times.  So I don’t really see it as a problem dating someone once a week on weekends for a month or two.

  28. 28
    BC

    I’m in agreement with Helene @13.  I have never been in a relationship that started through online dating sites, or depended on texting to sustain it so I’m sure that skews my views a good bit.  But, like Helene says, if someone only wants to send me a text once a week, and lets tons of time pass bewteen dates, then it would be very discourageing and disappointing to me to be waiting around hoping and wondering if the guy liked me enough to some time soon step it up!  I am also lucky in that (so far!) I’ve always been involved with guys who pursued me in a sufficiently eager manner (lol!) that I didn’t have the worry of these thoughts running through my mind.  I give out positive, reciprocal interest signals for sure if I’m interested in a man, but other than that, I let him chase me (not really, chase, but you know what I mean) and I’ve had some fantastic relationships throughout my life.  The one I’m in now may be the end of the road for me, but I’ve never and will never wait weeks to hear from a man on a regular basis.  There needs to be that surge of interest from both of you initially to get things going, at least that’s my opinion.

    There have been a couple of posts on here that prove there are exceptions, but you’d need to be able to properly read between the lines, as in the case of Kym @19.  She waited a bit longer for her now committed boyfriend to get more serious because she was able to cut through and understand some of the very valid reasons for his lack of availability at that stage in his life, and he was worth the wait it seems.   But its never worth your sanity to spend ages and ages trying to guage someone’s interest in you.  Mutual interest and somewhat regular contact is critical within the first few months for me.   Who wants to feel like they are never thought about or missed?  I don’t need or want constant contact, but someone calling me only once every two weeks would not fall into the potential *boyfriend* category.

  29. 29
    Lemon Zest

    SnowdropExplodes @ 20 – To tell you the truth, I did more than strictly mirroring.  I recall initiating several calls and texts, and I even asked this guy on 2 dates during that month.  At one point I even came right out and told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend.  I don’t know how he could have doubted my interest in him.  I was actually worried that I was initiating too much.  This man is a paradox. 

    1. 29.1
      wanttoluv

      You sound like me.You let the guy know because you were into him.At some point he showed you so like I ‘m not gonna call or reach out anymore. IT HURTS.

  30. 30
    nathan

    I have to agree with Joe’s point about timelines here as well. There is a difference between someone who keeps everything at a distance for weeks on end, like the guy Tanya was seeing, and someone who works to fit dates into their schedule as they can. You can go out once a week or so for the first month, two months, but have plenty of other contact in between. Evan’s point about escalating the relationship is probably more important to consider. You can go on a lot of dates with a player who, in the short term, is getting his fix, but still be left high and dry. At the same time, you can go on fewer dates with someone who is genuinely interested, but has a full schedule and is slowly opening it up to spend more time with you.
     
     

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