Is It Possible to Date While Pregnant?

Is It Possible to Date While Pregnant
I’d love to hear your thoughts about dating while pregnant. Here’s my story: I’m divorced, and have two great kids age 9 and 12. I’ve been dating for about 2.5 years, following your advice, understanding that it’s a process, being patient, and learning about myself and about men. I know I will eventually find my great match. Well, I was dating a nice guy for a couple months and it didn’t work out. I found out I was pregnant after we broke it off. We practiced safe sex, and yet here I am. I’m planning on keeping the baby and we have decided to co-parent as friends. After the initial surprise wore off, a lot of self-reflection, and talks with the father, I am happy about it and feel confident that it’s the right decision to proceed the way we are. I am already accustomed to being a single mom, and I always wanted a 3rd child, a dream that I thought I had to give up on when my husband left. I’m 44 and 2 months into the pregnancy and so far, everything is smooth sailing. I don’t want to put off looking for my life partner for two years while I’m pregnant and have an infant. Of course, I realize that my pool of interested bachelors may be limited or different than it was before.

I consider myself to be an all-around great catch, but I am sure this will narrow down my options for a while. I am cute, fun to be with, easy going, positive, in good shape (growing at the moment, but have always done a great job of bouncing back after my previous pregnancies), I own my own business and am economically self-reliant, and am not worried that the new baby will interfere with that.

I’ve got everything going for me and don’t want to stop my search for love, although, I may not be going out as often as I was before simply because I am going to bed earlier and not drinking for now. Even if I don’t find someone until two years from now, I don’t feel like I should banish myself from meeting people and having a nice time getting to know new men during this stage of my life. I’m okay with being alone for the moment, but two more years is a long time to be alone. So, how should I proceed? Do I tell people about this open and honestly? Do I write it in my profile? What are some things I should look out for as I chat with new prospects? I have turned my profiles off for the time being while I think about my approach. Please help!

Sincerely,
Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You’re having a baby out of wedlock with a guy you dated for a couple of months. You’ve decided to keep the child and co-parent, and you’re confident that, as an economically self-reliant woman, the new baby won’t interfere with that.

Fair enough.

You’ve been a parent longer than I have, so it’s not my job to remind you that being a working single mother with a new baby is just about the hardest job there is on the entire planet.

You may be the greatest catch on earth, but who, exactly, is looking to partner up with a woman who is going to be the mother of an infant – a breast-feeding, up-all-night, suck-up-all-the energy, dictate when-you-can-and-can’t-go-out infant?

But that’s your choice and I support your ability to make that choice. I also support the concept that you don’t want to be alone for a long time – that love is important and something worth having immediately. I wouldn’t be a dating coach if I felt otherwise.

Here’s where we seem to part ways:

I’m a reality-based dating coach. I have a hard time indulging people’s fantasies just because they’re technically possible.

Declare your love before you’ve ever met in person? Have sex in the bathroom on your first date? Elope after one month? Sorry, but dating while pregnant is kind of in that realm. Someone may have pulled it off, but there’s a reason you don’t hear many marital success stories that begin this way.

Naturally, I do know a woman who successfully dated while pregnant and met a great guy who wanted to become a father. Lucky her.

Personally, I think pregnant dating would look a lot more like this.

I’m not making fun of you, Jenny. If anything, I have great sympathy for you, as well as admiration for your can-do attitude. What you seem to have barely considered is not simply how YOU feel about this situation but how MEN would feel about dating you at this time.

It doesn’t seem like you’ve factored that into the equation, so let me tell you as honestly as I can: most men wouldn’t be interested. You may be the epitome of the “has-it-all-together” single mom, but it’s not a stretch to say that this is about the last situation a man would want to get himself into.

Your love life should (and will) take a backseat until your youngest is in preschool and you will be a single mom who is a perfect fit for a single dad in a similar situation.

You’re already a working mother of two, presumably with many demands on your time.

You’re now pregnant with a third child, sired by a man you’re no longer dating (who will co-parent).

You may be the greatest catch on earth, but who, exactly, is looking to partner up with a woman who is going to be the mother of an infant – a breast-feeding, up-all-night, suck-up-all-the energy, dictate when-you-can-and-can’t-go-out infant?

That’s not a slam on you. It’s a simple question: who’s your target audience?

      • Not men below 40 who want to have their own kids. They’re looking for women, 25-35.
      • Not men between 40-50 who want to have their own kids. They may consider women up to 40.
      • Not men between 40-50 who have no interest in having more kids. You’ve got one on the way.
      • We could say that maybe men 40-50 who want MORE kids could have potential, but do they really want to get on board with two other fathers and a wife who has to put her baby’s needs first?

Maybe – if he’s really, really desperate to have a family and sees no other options.

So, very much like this blog post where I expressed deep sympathy for the reader but couldn’t easily see a path to success, I wish you the best of luck, but would think your love life should (and will) take a backseat until your youngest is in preschool and you will be a single mom who is a perfect fit for a single dad in a similar situation.

But right now, NOBODY is in a similar situation.

Finally, if I’m wrong, more power to you. I’m rooting for you to get what you want, no matter what.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Tyrone

    Pregnancy and new born children are a 100% deal breakers for me.

  2. 2
    katarina

    Honest to god…you are right on Evan….and I’m a woman

  3. 3
    DK

    Fairly new back into the dating scene, I find it hard to date a mom of ONE with 50/50 custody — they never seem to be free (as they say they will be), can’t get them on the phone to talk, often their head is elsewhere on the date (texting with kid / avail to text with kid) — just my recent experiences with that…so a single mom with two and one on the way — I can’t even fathom there being room for another…

  4. 4
    Karl R

    I agree with Evan that being pregnant is likely to lower your odds of success. That said, if you’re willing to roll the dice on a long-shot, there’s nothing stopping you (except for time and energy constraints) from dating.

     

    Set your expectations accordingly:

    Dating is frustrating for everyone, especially the long stretches there’s no indication of success. That’s probably going to be your new normal. You’ll have the same frustrations as everybody else, -plus- a big heaping extra load on top too. Mentally prepare yourself.

     

    You’re different; play it up:

    Both Evan and I are skeptical that there’s any men in your area who are specifically looking for someone in your situation. -However- if … and I really mean IF … there are men looking for someone like you, you’ve likely cornered the niche.

    Play it up. Make your online dating user name something blatant (like OneInTheOven). Mention it in the first paragraph of your intro.

     

    What to look out for:

    I have no clue. This seems like uncharted territory. Maybe you could jokingly ask the guy why he’s chasing the pregnant lady, then see what kind of response you get.

  5. 5
    Stacy2

    This reminds me.. “is it ok to f$%^k one guy when you’re pregnant with another guy’s baby”? SATC – priceless 🙂

  6. 6
    Yet Another Guy

    What I am about to say is more than likely going to ruffle a few feathers. A woman with children from more than one man has always been a deal breaker for me. Any man who enters Jenny’s life will have to deal with two different fathers. What is so special about Jenny that she is worth that much hassle? What is she able to give a man that he cannot get from another woman with high school-age or older children? A mid-forties to mid-fifties man is not looking to get involved with a woman who has an infant unless she is a 20-something hottie, and a sub-age 45 man is not looking to get involved with a forty-something woman.

    The bigger question for me is why on Earth is a 40+ man still risking pregnancy? That is pure lunacy, especially if he already has children. I underwent sterilization in my early forties, and my twins were not born until I was 39. My twins are my only children.

    1. 6.1
      Terry

      a twenty something hottie?

      This proves where your priorities in life lay and you have children of your own?!

      Before you go out and judge others reflect inside yourself.

      i feel you need to mature and grow. You will understand someday, or not.

       

      Jenny, do not let ANY of the negative responses affect you. It’s all external and has nothing to do with you. Furthermore its nit anyone’s business. Go with what you want inside you.

      1. 6.1.1
        Yet Another Guy

        I am not saying that I would get involved with a 20-something hottie. What I am saying that is I cannot think of a reason why a mid-forties to mid-fifties man who already has children would get involved with a woman with an infant unless she was unobtainable without an infant. A 20-something hottie is unobtainable to most men who are 45+.

        I stand by assertion that any 40+ man who already has children should seriously consider sterilization. It is a minimally-invasive procedure that guarantees that there will be no unplanned pregnancies. It is foolish for most men to continue to be sexually active after age 40 without undergoing sterilization.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          *stand by my assertion

        2. Stacy2

           I cannot think of a reason why a mid-forties to mid-fifties man who already has children would get involved with a woman with an infant 

          Just because you can’t think of any, doesn’t mean those reasons doesn’t exist. I know a guy who had 2 kids of his own – he was a widower. His wife passed away and left him with a toddler and a newborn on his hands. He got involved almost immediately with a divorce from their town who had 4 kids of her own. They raised this huge family together, all wonderful kids.

        3. Chance

          YAG, I would agree with that.  Also, if a man does want to have children someday, he obviously should use a condom at all times – even if he’s been with someone for several years and firmly believes that she is on birth control.  He should also be proactive in the disposal of condoms to ensure that they cannot be tampered with for a specified amount of time.

           

          I think the LW may also face a challenge with potential partners being able to come to terms with the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy – even if the man has no issue with the LW raising an infant child.  She said she was practicing safe sex, which I assume means that the father was wearing a condom (although it could mean other things, of course).  However, it is improbable that someone that age could conceive with proper condom use.  I am not implying the LW was being wildly irresponsible or extremely unethical, but it doesn’t matter what I think.  The odds just aren’t there to support her case.  Many a level-headed man will wonder about the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy – fair or not.

        4. Stacy

          YAG

          I actually agree with you (and I’m a woman as well). Anything is POSSIBLE. Of course there is always an example we can find where it worked out….but more often than not, most men who have viable options will not deal with this.  It’s not even about the single mom thing, it’s the ‘single mom WHILE pregnant with multiple dads thing.’ I mean, c’mon. Dating is hard even when you’re cute and WITHOUT children. Assuming she doesn’t want to date the ‘bottom of the barell’, it’s going to be very,  very difficult.

          But my other question is, why would you even WANT to date while pregnant? What could possibly be in it for you? Dating takes time, energy, resources, etc…you already have two young kids and one on the way…and how are you going to divide this time effectively between a newborn, two young children, a man who you intend to coparent as friends, an ex husband and a man you are newly dating.

      2. 6.1.2
        Yet Another Guy

        By the way, I personally believe that getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term out of wedlock at age 44 demonstrates a lack of common sense, especially when a woman already has children. As an older father, I am acutely aware of the implications of bringing a child into the world later in life. It is a risky proposition, regardless of the angle at which it is viewed. If the child is born without birth defects, Jenny will be close 67 years old by the time the he/she completes his/her undergraduate program. People drop dead in their fifties and sixties without warning. I have already lost male and female friends.

        1. Emily, the original

          Yet Another Guy,

          By the way, I personally believe that getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term out of wedlock at age 44 demonstrates a lack of common sense, especially when a woman already has children.

          I agree. How is she going to raise two older children, run her own business, care for an infant and manage to date? There’s too much going on in her life to ask another person to take that all on.

    2. 6.2
      Malika

      I can understand it’s a dealbreaker if you don’t want to deal with the drama. I had the same situation with a man who had children from his first two marriages. The children’s schedule was hung up on the wall, detailing which child went where (one of the ex-stepfathers was also in the graph) and it gave me a headache just looking at it. The exes were at war with each other, the first one not liking the fact that the other was still a presence in her son’s life. In the end, you feel like the uninteresting bit player in a soap opera and surely there is more to life than that? I don’t mind kids from a past relationship, but I have to feel like i am a priority and not an afterthought in the man’s life.

      1. 6.2.1
        Yet Another Guy

        It is worse for a guy because men can be incredibly territorial when it comes to their children. Keeping one ex from going Cro-Magnon is difficult enough without having to deal with the threat of two or more fathers going full-on primal. Dating a woman with children from multiple men can be like walking through a minefield that is triggered by stress hormones.

        1. GoWiththeFlow

          YAG,

          You bring up a good point:  Sometimes it’s not the significant other’s kid that’s a problem, it’s the Baby Daddy and Baby Mama drama that’s the deal breaker.

          I once dated a wonderful man that had a sweet, adorable 4 year old son.  And the kid’s mom was a mentally unbalanced alcoholic.  Shortly after we began dating, his ex got an extreme DUI while the son was in the car.  He literally had to go pick up his son from the police station in the middle of the night and became a full time time fighting a nasty custody battle.  Understandably his focus needed to be on his son, and he just didn’t have the emotional and mental energy or time needed to spend growing a new relationship.

    3. 6.3
      KK

      YAG,

      I agree with you. As a 42 year old woman with twins who will be on their own in a few years, the idea of getting involved with a man with a newborn on the way from another woman, is completely out of the question.

    4. 6.4
      ScottH

      I got fixed too after my 2nd kid.  I knew for sure that I didn’t want any more and I couldn’t imagine dating AND shooting live ammo.  Getting fixed totally eliminated a huge source of anxiety.  If you want more kids, sure, say fertile but if you know you don’t, why not take care of it?  And women, why not IUD’s?

      1. 6.4.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Scott,

        I had an IUD before and loved it.  My mother died of a premenopausal heart attack, so once I got past a certain age, hormonal birth control was considered too much of a health risk because of it’s blood clotting and potential cardiovascular side effects.  It involves a trip to the doctor’s office for placement, which was painful, and I also had bad abdominal cramping for about a week afterwards.  Once I got past that, my boyfriend said he felt the thin thread like wire (that allows for removal) during intercourse.  So I had to go back in to the doctor and have the wire shortened.  After that, things were great.

        One of the biggest reasons why more women don’t have IUDs (or hormone implants) is because it’s expensive and wasn’t covered by most insurance until the ACA aka Obamacare mandated that contraceptives be included in the covered benefit package.  And since SCOTUS ruled that Hobby Lobby and other businesses can have a religion, and can therefore exclude contraceptives their religion unscientifically believes are abortafacients, the “mandate” didn’t apply to large groups of women. Now that that mandate is likely to be repealed, the OB/Gyns I work with say they are seeing patient interest for IUDS and long term hormone implants (Norplant) go through the roof.

        I’m not sure if vasectomies are covered by most insurances or not.  It’s a shame that contraception is largely seen as a “women’s” issue since a poorly timed or unwanted pregnancy can seriously affect the lives of both men and women.  Studies have shown that when people have access to long term or permanent contraceptives that are affordable and available, they choose more effective long term methods over shorter term, less reliable methods.

        1. Chance

          You know, I’ve never understood why men (generally speaking) do not take more precautionary measures when engaging in sex since they have no rights relating to the outcome of an unplanned pregnancy.  As a result, unplanned pregnancies can negatively affect men far more than women.  A man should always, always use a condom until he alone has decided that he wants to have children (this applies to married men as well).  Furthermore, immediately after intercourse, the man should put the used condom in a bag and lock it in a safe until the next day.  This is what I’ve always done.

        2. Tom10

          @ Chance
          “Furthermore, immediately after intercourse, the man should put the used condom in a bag and lock it in a safe until the next day.  This is what I’ve always done.”
           
          You lock your used condoms in a safe? ROFL. Come on now Chance, I appreciate your advocacy towards responsible sexual behavior but surely that’s taking it a bit far!
           
          That said, I agree that a significant percentage of men behave recklessly when it comes to having unprotected sex. Or kidding themselves that they’ll be okay with the “pull-out” method.
           
          I’ve always wondered what happened to the much-vaunted male pill that always seems a few years away from market – is it ever gonna be available? ‘Cos you know, guys just hate condoms; they just totally ruin the sensation of sex. Lol.
           
          GoWiththeFlow maybe? Will the male pill be available anytime soon?

        3. GoWiththeFlow

          Chance,

          Another thing men can do is to organize and lobby for research funding for safe, reliable, reversible male contraceptives.  Not a lot of money goes into this research, and it’s not given priority with public health dollars.  Pharmaceutical companies aren’t anticipating a huge interest, so it’s not a priority for them either.  Not like viagra was.

          Think of the pressure that breast cancer and HIV/AIDS advocacy groups had on the speed in which treatment and prevention methods were developed.  That should be the aim.

        4. Shaukat

          Furthermore, immediately after intercourse, the man should put the used condom in a bag and lock it in a safe until the next day.  This is what I’ve always done.

          Hmmm, I don’t know bud, I think you might be swallowing too much of the red pill swill in this one area;)

          In my experience professional, educated women are just as terrified of an unwanted pregnancy as most men, and wouldn’t want to impregnate themselves just to reap the benefits of child support down the line. So unless you were sleeping with impoverished women suffering from drug withdrawal symptoms, you were probably overreacting!

        5. GoWiththeFlow

          Tom10,

          There two things I’m aware of that researchers are working on.

          1) A researcher in Great Britain is looking at a way to block the action of a protein that controls a key step in sperm formation.  It will essentially leave a man with unfunctional sperm.  It’s still in the lab stage and has yet to get to Phase 1 clinical trials.

          2) A research group in the U.S. is working on a compound that can be injected into the main sperm duct to block sperm from leaving the testicles.  Then when a man wants to have kids, a second compound is injected that dissolves the blockage.  It has been tested in animal models and hopefully will enter preliminary testing in men–the beginning of clinical trials.

          That’s what I know!

        6. Tom10

          @ GoWiththeFlow
           
          Thanks for the feedback. Hopefully one of those trials will produce results. 🙂
           
          Apropos your discussion with Chance above; I’ve always wondered why there are so few contraceptive methods available to men, particularly when contrasted with the multitude of options available to women. Thanks for explaining why this is the case.
           
          How great would it be if guys could get a contraceptive implant and then have worry free sex for a few years! 😉
           
          Although, controversially, I have a suspicion that many guys actually get a thrill from rolling the dice during unprotected sex. Like playing Russian roulette. Maybe he’ll get caught, but hopefully he won’t. And that’s what generates the buzz. Forearmed with the knowledge that there’s no possibility of impregnating the girl removes the element of risk, thus mitigates the thrill. So I reckon that even if there was a male contraceptive implant I’ve no doubt that many guys wouldn’t bother to get one!
           
          Evolution really did a number on guy’s heads about sex: we can be so logical and sensible with regards to so many issues, yet when it comes to sex so many guys lose their senses!

        7. Chance

          @GWTF-sure, but that doesn’t change the conditions we find ourselves in today.

           

          @Tom10 and Shaukat-this isn’t about the nature of women.  It’s about who is accountable and who is protected in the event of an unplanned pregnancy.  Legally and socially (in the States, cannot speak for anywhere else), the woman is 100% protected and you are 0% protected.  As a result, one simply cannot be too careful.  The people who say you are being overly cautious are same people who will say you’re an idiot for not wearing a condom in the event of an unplanned pregnancy  (even in the unlikely event that it was the result of fraud).  Finally, I think that a much higher percentage of women are willing to snatch a man’s sperm if she wants to get pregnant than most people are comfortable with accepting (okay, so my argument partially has to do with the nature of women).

        8. KK

          Chance said, “Finally, I think that a much higher percentage of women are willing to snatch a man’s sperm if she wants to get pregnant than most people are comfortable with accepting (okay, so my argument partially has to do with the nature of women)”.

          Lol!!!! Yeah, I saw that episode of Ray Donavan too with the NBA player and his groupie.

          I think you’re safe! Lol!

        9. Katie

          Chance! Here to help you out buddy 🙂 Some alternatives to locking your condoms in a safe after sex! All with quite low risks of pregnancy!

          (a) Mix cum with sugar and making a cake glaze!

          (b) Fingerpaint gf’s bathroom mirror with love messages in sperm!

          (c) Pour into gf’s fish tank and try to inseminate her goldfish and make human/fish chimeras!

          (d) Smear on face, allow to dry then rub it off. Improvised exfoliant!!

           

        10. GoWiththeFlow

          Tom10,

          The problem with sex is that it is illogical!  It’s drive related behavior and an area in life where some deep seated psychological stuff gets played out.  I do agree that anything that adds to the risk element can add an additional thrill that is tempting to some.  Also, we’re the most successful species on the planet because we’ve perfected the procreation thing over thousands of years.  Fifty years of high tech contraception technology isn’t going to change some of that primal brain functioning overnight, evolutionary wise, even though the logical higher functioning part of the brain may want it to.

        11. Nissa

          If y’all really want information, here’s a link: https://www.parsemusfoundation.org/projects/vasalgel/

          Parsemus foundation is in the process of creating a no scalpel, reversible vascectomy. Non human primate studies finished in 2015. You can sign up for clinical trials on their website, under FAQ’s, they are gathering an email list of people willing to take part.

      2. 6.4.2
        SparklingEmerald

        Chance -Furthermore, immediately after intercourse, the man should put the used condom in a bag and lock it in a safe until the next day.  This is what I’ve always done.

        Why not just flush it ?  Do you still do this with your GF of five years ?  Doesn’t that just broadcast to her that you don’t trust her ?  Flushing it would just seem like a natural thing to do, or you could rinse it out in the bathroom sink, put a dollop of handsoap in it and put it in the trash can.

        How does your GF feel about you locking your sperm in a safe ?

        I do think it is admirable to take such precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and at the risk of being a traitor to my gender, I do think far to many women get “accidently on purpose” pregnant (by many means, not by inseminating themselves with a retrieved condom).

        The FUNNIEST remedy I ever heard against snatching a condom from the trash can, was to put HOT SAUCE or CAYENNE PEPPER in the condom and dispose of it.  Yes, I LOL’d when I read that, and then thought “I’m going to hell for laughing at that”  Again, only a woman who was trying to “steal” would suffer the consequences of that stunt.

        1. Stacy

          LOL

          Chance is so special.

        2. Karl R

          SparklingEmerald,

          Your question reminded me of a story told by a plumber who had been called by a husband to fix plugged toilet (plugged worse than the normal way husbands plug toilets).

           

          Plumber: “I found your problem. There was a large wad of condoms blocking the pipe. In the future, don’t flush them down the toilet.”

          Husband: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”

          [long pause]

          Husband: (quietly) “I think I need to go talk to my wife.”

           

          Chance’s concern may be more common than most of us think. My brother-in-law has three ex-wives. Each one of them got pregnant (without his consent) as an attempt to keep him from leaving them.

          I’ve met the ex-wives. Two of them seem to be fairly normal women.

        3. KK

          “My brother-in-law has three ex-wives.Each one of them got pregnant (without his consent) as an attempt to keep him from leaving them”.

          According to who? Him? Highly unlikely. Of course, he could just be THAT unlucky. I’ll go with highly unlikely, though. 😉

        4. KK

          “Apparently, there was a survey where 42% of women said they would lie to their partners about taking contraception if they wanted to become pregnant”.

          No source provided. Just an article by a delusional woman. *eye roll, shrug

        5. Karl R

          KK said:

          “According to who? Him? Highly unlikely.”

          According to my wife, and she’s generally going to take her brother’s claims with a healthy dose of skepticism.

          Which part seems unlikely?

          The three ex-wives exist. His three sons exist. If you match up their dates of births with the dates of his divorces….

          Either there’s some merit to his claims, or he really likes paying child support.

           

          It’s not just bad luck. Some of it was colossally poor decision making … like getting married at 19. Or marrying the hot, insanely jealous woman.

        6. Karl R

          KK,

          Chance’s statistic comes from the National Scruples and Lies Survey performed in 2004. It was a survey of 5,000 women in the UK (average age 38).

          I have not been able to find a copy of the survey or its results. I found a Manchester Evening News article that referenced the survey, that particular statistic, and a few other statistics.

          I also found a BBC article that referenced the survey and a few statistics, but not that particular statistic.

          That’s the best I’ve been able to do for vetting it with credible sources.

           

          I’d love to find the whole survey, because some of the excerpts from the results are fascinating.

          Example:

          The 8th most common lie: “You look ten years younger.”

        7. SparklingEmerald

          Karl R – LOL on the joke.  Seriously tho’, regarding your BIL, reminds me of the expression,  “Fool me once, you should be ashamed, fool me twice, I should be ashamed”.  Perhaps after being fooled THREE times, he should get a vasectemy.

          Anyway, as much as I hate to agree with Chants, I don’t have much trouble believing women would lie about contraceptives.  I don’t know about the percentage, but I do believe most of these “accidents” are “accidently on purpose” as I have heard some pretty lame-ass “accidental” pregnancy stories.

          And no, I am not some women-hating, male identified woman, who pals around mostly with guys, and dislikes most women.  I LOVE women, have many female friends, whose friendship I cherish,  most of my friends I don’t think resorted to such trickery, but one of my GFs suggested to me that I make a “whoopsy” baby, and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was NOT sneaking any babies into the family.

          I know women lie about being “cool” with casual sex.  I know women lie about “accidental” pregnancies.   Not ALL women of course.   And of course men have their gender specific lies, and not ALL men of course.

          My one and only baby was PLANNED.  My ex-husband asked me if I wanted children when we were dating.  He was dating for a wife and mother of his child.  He was delighted when I said yes, I would marry him and have his baby.  We waited until he had the job he wanted and bought a house.  I can remember CONCEIVING our child, it was that planned, and happened that quickly.  Sometimes I feel like a UNICORN with my story of how the baby was born 9 months and 3 days after the insurance kicked in. Now THAT’s planned ! I have heard so many stories about how they weren’t planning on having kids, didnt’ think they COULD Have kids, wanted to have kids, but not as soon as they did, the BC failed etc.

          Of course, in the case of the married couples, I think both the husband and wife lied to themselves, because they seemed to be delighted to “accidently” have kids.

          But I’m glad I had a conscious conception.  The only drawback being, that my ex was dating for a wife and baby-mama, and when my son was 21, he basically told me “Thanks for the baby, Mama, I don’t need you now,   I’ll always love you for giving me a son, but I’m going my own way now”     Boy, did that ever BITE, but I can’t totally regret it, because I have a WONDERFUL son.

          At least with my very soon to be husband,  we are too old for babies now, so that can’t be the reason he is marrying me !

        8. KK

          Karl R,

          “Which part seems unlikely?”

          The part where it happened THREE times. If someone did something that deceitful, I’d be extra cautious the next time around.

        9. Chance

          Hi SE – 1.)  Condoms are not supposed to be flushed down the toilet because septic systems aren’t designed to handle them.  Largely, the only things that should be flushed down the toilet are urine, feces, and toilet paper.  2.)  Do I trust my partner?  Yes.  However, I am also realistic in that I understand that many men who were surprised by happy accidents happened to trust their partners as well.  As a result, I understand that I cannot trust my trust.  Again, this isn’t about whether or not women are duplicitous.  Rather, this is about the fact that a man has absolutely no recourse in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, and therefore, the man cannot be too cautious (even if it results in his partner being offended by what she perceives as his lack of trust).

           

          @KK – 1.)  I have never seen Ray Donavan (or even heard of it), but there was a serious problem in the NBA relating to groupie sperm snatchers ~15 yrs ago so it is very likely that the episode is based on this true story.  Unfortunately, I do have a lot to worry about for a number of reasons.  2.)  The link you provided from alternet.org is irrelevant to the topic at hand because women are 100% protected in the event of an unplanned pregnancy.  Once again, the reason men should be extreeeeeemely careful is because there are enough women out there who would lie about their contraceptive use combined with the fact that men have no recourse.

        10. KK

          Here’s the thing. There’s not a woman on this planet with an ounce of self esteem that would put up with that. I’m just trying to imagine the scenario of being with someone and realizing that every time we make love, he’s putting the used condoms in a safe. It’s really almost too ridiculous to even fathom. But if that were to happen, 1, I’d think he’s crazy. 2, I’d be offended. 3, I’d be done. No questions asked. And to be fair, I believe most women would react the same. You’d have to be pretty messed up yourself to be okay with being treated like some cum thieving groupie. And here’s the irony; a woman who is okay being treated that way is the same one you’d need to worry about.

        11. Chance

          Aaaaaaaand here come KK’s predictable insults and shaming tactics when she has no argument.  You’re choosing to blindly ignore valid observations because you don’t want to believe them.  Why do you think that is?

        12. KK

          “Aaaaaaaand here come KK’s predictable insults and shaming tactics when she has no argument”.

          Actually, Chance, the way you claim you treat your girlfriend is shameful and insulting. That IS my argument.

          “You’re choosing to blindly ignore valid observations because you don’t want to believe them.  Why do you think that is?”

          Not at all. You are choosing to blindly ignore that your girlfriend (or any future girlfriend) should be trusted. Evan has addressed this many times. Just because you were treated poorly by someone, the next person shouldn’t pay for the last person’s crimes. And in your case, since you claim you’ve never been treated poorly by anyone, you’re literally imagining things to be paranoid about.

          It’s possible that I could become a victim of a violent crime. I choose not to wear a bullet proof vest and strap a gun on my hip. That’s the equivalent of putting used condoms in a safe. Lol. (I still think you might just be baiting with this to get a response, but it really doesn’t matter). Instead, I prefer to go about my business and remain aware of my surroundings, not putting myself in dangerous situations. I equate that to someone taking their time getting to know someone, having conversations about not wanting children right now, and still using protection.

        13. GoWiththeFlow

          SE, Chance, Tom, Karl, et. al.,

          I definitely agree that there is something going on that 50% of pregnancies are unintended.  I don’t know how much of this is due to conscious planned deceit, a subconscious drive or desire to have a baby, or just flat out being ignorant and careless.

          It’s no secret that in the U.S. sex education (health education really) is a joke consisting of a combined plumbing and microbiology lesson followed up with a  shaming lecture on how to just say no.  Contrast that with some European countries that have sex ed curricula that covers things like relationship skills and how to navigate ethical considerations.  So it’s not surprising that every single birth control method we have is used with less effectiveness by the general population than it is in controlled studies on failure rates.

          But then again. . . maybe our birth control fails at a higher rate than expected because of either intentional or subconscious sabotage.  Which is why I think some commenters zeroed in on the LW’s statement that she had always wanted a 3rd child. . . and now OOOPS she was pregnant.  Also met with skepticism was whether Karl’s BIL’s 3 kids by 3 ex-wives were all intentionally sprung on him, or did he have a subconscious motivation to have kids that led him to be careless with #2 and definitely #3 when he had already been burned in the exact same situation.

          Then there’s also how disruptive and/or unwanted (which is different than unplanned) a pregnancy is for the parents falls along a continuum with a wide range.  From devastatingly disruptive and completely unwanted by a pair of 16 year olds, to “it happened a little earlier that we had planned, but were thrilled” for a financially secure married couple that wants kids.  If a pregnancy wouldn’t be unwelcome then maybe a couple isn’t super vigilant about protection.  On the other hand, for Chance it would be super disruptive, so he goes the extra mile times ten to make sure it won’t happen.

          And let’s not forget the universal human mental affliction of “it won’t happen to me” which allows people to engage in all kinds of risky behavior.

        14. Karl R

          Chance said:

          “Aaaaaaaand here come KK’s predictable insults and shaming tactics when she has no argument.  You’re choosing to blindly ignore valid observations because you don’t want to believe them.”

          Even though I agree that KK has been ignoring valid observations, in this case, she makes a very valid point.

           

          On other threads Evan and I have described at length how suspicious, guarded and defensive women drive away quality men. The quality men aren’t accustomed to being treated that way, and they know that it’s easier to find a woman who trusts us … rather that try to change any woman’s mind.

          The same principle applies when the sexes are reversed. If a quality woman catches you doing this, she’s gone. If she comes here and asks for advice (before leaving), Evan and I will give her the exact same advice we’d give a man. Dump him. You’ve just dodged a bullet.

           

          The only way you can pull off something like that is if the woman never catches you doing it. And if you want to be surreptitious, I would have to recommend a vasectomy as being a lot less obvious. It’s also easier to explain. “Accidents happen, Gorgeous. This is just a second line of defense.”

        15. Nat

          @GWTF: “And let’s not forget the universal human mental affliction of “it won’t happen to me” which allows people to engage in all kinds of risky behavior.”

          Omg that’s scarily true. Reminds me of how my girl friend had gotten pregnant around 20 y.o. thru having repeatedly had unprotected sex with her bf. When we asked her what on earth she had been thinking, she literally said she didn’t think it would happen to her. And she was a high-IQ person! She quickly had an abortion so it wasn’t that she wanted to get pregnant; she was just being dumb.

        16. Chance

          @KK – no, you changed your argument.  You had been spending all of your energy denying that a material amount of women are willing to lie about their contraceptive use.  When that strategy didn’t work out for you, you then decided to attack the person.

           

          @Karl R – I agree with you to a point.  However, I think it’s more nuanced that you’re making it out to be.  First, I don’t think that all trust issues are equal.  For example, I think that trust issues that involve snooping or trust issues that result in the other partner feeling like they are expected to actively change their beahavior to accommodate these issues are worse than a strange quirk that’s largely driven by principle (given the existing legal and social environment) as opposed to actually not trusting your partner.  It’s a very negative social message to send to men that they should be 100% trusting in this regard, but then unconditionally hold them responsible in the event of a fraudulent pregnancy (people generally have recourse when they are victims of fraud in other areas).  My partner knows this isn’t about her.  It’s interesting how someone can determine whether a woman is “quality” based on how she responds to one quirk such as this even if her partner is fully trusting in all other regards.

        17. KK

          “@KK – no, you changed your argument.  You had been spending all of your energy denying that a material amount of women are willing to lie about their contraceptive use”.

          I never changed my argument. I expounded on it in response to your comments. I never denied that some women are deceptive in that regard. You and I just disagree on the amount of women who actually stoop to such disgraceful behavior. I think they’re in the minority. You appear to think otherwise, which is in line with your overall sentiments regarding women.

          “When that strategy didn’t work out for you, you then decided to attack the person”.

          No strategy here. If attacking someone’s constant negative assessment of women is seen as an attack rather than a rebuttal, then so be it.

        18. Karl R

          Chance said:

          “I think that trust issues that involve snooping or trust issues that result in the other partner feeling like they are expected to actively change their beahavior to accommodate these issues are worse than a strange quirk that’s largely driven by principle (given the existing legal and social environment) as opposed to actually not trusting your partner.”

           

          Would you be willing to date a woman who treated you like a potential rapist? I wouldn’t. As a quality man, I knew that I could easily find a woman who wouldn’t treat me that way.

          I have dated several women who were raped. I have numerous other female (and male) friends who were also raped. None of them treated me like a potential rapist.

          You’re going to say your situation is different. Before you do, I just wanted to point out that, “given the existing legal and social climate”, not one of these women (and men) subjected themselves to the added trauma of reporting their rapes.

          No day in court. No justice served. And even if they had gotten that, they wouldn’t get un-raped.

          You think your trust issues are excusable, solely because they’re yours. That’s the only relevant difference I see.

          Even though I’m not willing to allow myself to be treated like a rapist, I am more sympathetic to the women’s plight. Their distrusting behavior is driven by concern for their personal safety … not your “principle”.

          GoWithTheFlow,

          Regarding my brother-in-law, I’m betting on “It can’t happen to me (again).”

          From his perspective, he told Wife #2 that it didn’t work when Wife #1 tried it. He told Wife #3 that it didn’t work when Wives #1 and #2 tried it. He just couldn’t imagine that his wives wouldn’t learn from the “mistakes” of his ex-wives.

        19. Chance

          KK, I’ve never said or implied that these women were the majority.

        20. GoWiththeFlow

          Hey Karl,

          An alternate theory on what may have motivated BIL’s ex-wives to pull out the bag of stupid pregnancy tricks.  Maybe they weren’t trying to save the marriage, they just wanted a kid.  It’s easier and faster to get one from a soon to be ex-husband that’s still sleeping with you than to find a new baby daddy.

          A long time ago I worked with a woman who was in a bad marriage that she knew would eventually end.  They had one daughter, but my co-worker desperately wanted a 2nd child.  She was in her mid 30s and wasn’t keen of the idea of starting over with a new man when the inevitable happened.  So she got pregnant and when the younger daughter was 3 or 4, they wound up divorcing.

          Twice I’ve had men friends in relationship situations where I (and other people as well) just knew that a pregnancy announcement would be forthcoming.  In one of the situations, people warned the guy that they were suspicious the girlfriend was planning something.  I wish I could put my finger on what it was about the people involved and their relationship that just screamed, yep, it’s gonna happen!  I wonder if anyone else had a premonition like this about a friend they knew?

        21. Chance

          @Karl R – it’s meant to be over-the-top to make a point that if anything goes wrong, I am the idiot – no matter what.  Rape victims are not seen as idiots on the whole.  It’s primarily a joke between us as she is sympathetic to how bass ackwards the laws are surrounding reproductive and parental rights.  She understands that I trust her.  I haven’t always done this and we used to have unprotected sex.  One of the reasons I have volunteered (in addition to protecting myself) to go back to condoms is so she wouldn’t have to experience the negative hormonal effects of BC.  Preach all you want, but what you’re proposing is common sense  that everyone understands.  Throw around all of the false analogies you want, but they’re irrelevant without context relating to each person’s individual circumstances.

        22. KK

          GWTF said, “I wonder if anyone else had a premonition like this about a friend they knew?”

          This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I strongly believe that women can read other women much better than men can and vise versa. If you have a trusted friend of the opposite sex that raises a concern about someone you’re dating, I think it’s wise to seriously consider their criticism.

  7. 7
    Tron Swanson

    Call me crazy, but I actually think that her “can-do attitude” is more of a problem than her pregnancy. She’ll eventually have the kid, and then she’ll simply be a single mom with three kids instead of two. So, her pregnancy is a temporary condition, while her perception of herself is a problem that will last much longer. I wouldn’t call it a “can-do attitude” as much as I’d call it a vastly over-inflated opinion of her “market value.” (My apologies for using a term that dehumanizes someone; I normally try to avoid that.)

    What jumped out at me was when she claimed that she has everything going for her. You could read that as mental toughness or confidence, but I personally think that it’s a bad sign, because it seems to indicate that she doesn’t understand her own “market value.” Dating while pregnant is about as far as “I have everything going for me” as a person can possibly get. Having an inflated opinion of oneself is a pretty common human problem, but I’ve noticed that the women I know really seem to struggle with it, and that it hurts them when it comes to trying to find relationships. So many men are trying to hook up with them–myself included–that it artificially builds up their egos and convinces them that they’re the hottest thing to ever walk the earth. They’re hot, but they aren’t super-hot, except they let themselves become convinced that they are. And when they go after a guy that’s out of their league, they’re hurt and mystified when he rejects them.

    Men are guilty of this, as well…but women generally don’t chase us or try to win us over with flattery, so we don’t get as much ego-boosting. And we have to deal with a steady amount of rejection, which keeps us realistic. Sure, some women accuse us of holding out for “unrealistically” attractive women, but all that really means is “the normal female body-type from 20-30 years ago,” i.e. before the obesity epidemic. Believe me, I know my league, and while I may occasionally swing for the fences, I know that I don’t have a shot with upper-level women. But some of the women that live in my area? I knew one that was unemployed, overweight, and living on her friend’s couch. While I never expressed interest in her (definitely not my type), she preemptively told me that I’d never have a chance with her, because she only “accepted” guys that were at least six feet tall and had a certain type of job, type of car, etc. And the hilarious part is, she got most of what she wanted. He wasn’t that tall, but he certainly had a nice job and a nice car. She never improved herself at all to get with him.

    I personally think that her attitude/opinion of herself will doom her, but maybe not. There are a lot of thirsty guys out there. Sad to say, sex-seeking guys such as myself are contributing to this problem, because we’re giving merely-okay women way too much attention.

    1. 7.1
      Terry

      I really feel you need to mind your own business. You’re crossing LARGE boundaries. you haven’t an inclination of how her life will turn out. But, based on your negativity I think I know how unhappy you must be.

      1. 7.1.1
        Buck25

        Speaking of crossing boundaries Terry, don’t you think YOU might have crossed one telling a man what age  group he should be allowed to date without you making insinuations about his character, or lack thereof?  I think you did. Now I have a suggestion for you. If you don’t like what I just called you on, try telling me what age women you think I should be “allowed” to date. I’ll tell you where you can shove your attitude, in about two seconds flat. I’m 68 by the way, and you might be surprised at some of the women I date. How do I do that? Well for starters, I DON’T do it, by being the sort of wuss who cares a fig what you (or anyone else, for that matter) thinks (or says). Neither should any other man who calls himself a real man. Anyone male or female, is entitled to date any competent, unmarried, consenting adult so long as both are comfortable with the relationship, whatever that is. As for the LW, I think she can date whoever will date her; not my problem, not my business. End of story. As for the rest of who’s minding whose business, Pot, meet Kettle.

      2. 7.1.2
        Tron Swanson

        Terry,

        I just want her to have a realistic appraisal of herself–and her situation. Honestly, if I listed all of my requirements for a relationship (and I’m choosing to be single from here on out, for the record), you’d laugh at how demanding I am, and how slim my chances would be to find that…but you’d be gobsmacked if I then proceeded to act like I was in some can’t-lose situation. That’s what I’m talking about. There’s confidence, and then there’s unrealistic optimism.  If you have the latter, well, you’re going to end up getting hurt.

        As for how unhappy I must be…sure, for the sake of argument, let’s say that I’m unhappy. (I am, maybe 10-20% of the time.) Why do so many people think that emotion somehow invalidates one’s opinion? I can see how it’d color it, without a doubt, but actually invalidating it? Whenever I see someone accusing a person of being negative toward the other gender–man or woman, I don’t care–I’m baffled, because I pay more attention to logic than emotion. If a woman is fed up with men, maybe she’s basing that on experience and reason, and the emotion is strictly coincidental. Surely our  brains can walk and chew gum at the same time…?

    2. 7.2
      SS

       

       

      Good opinion for the most part.  You had me until “What jumped out at me was when she claimed that she has everything going for her. You could read that as mental toughness or confidence, but I personally think that it’s a bad sign, because it seems to indicate that she doesn’t understand her own “market value.””  What makes you think that she was “Having an inflated opinion of oneself”.  It seems as though it was someone saying in a non full of themselves bragging sort of way that they are a good person.  Your comment starts out making points, but really why do you hold all women to some comments that one or a couple made to you at some point?

  8. 8
    Malika

    A friend of mine was in love with a woman who became pregnant after a one night stand. He stepped in, professed his love and became the father figure as the one night stand did not want to play a part in his daughter’s life. While they are not together anymore, he does not regret his actions one bit and says that his stepdaughter is one of the best aspects of his life. Another friend of mine was the lover of a married woman who became pregnant by her husband, but left him in order to be with my friend. While they are also not together anymore, he still sees his stepson a couple of times a week and does not make any distinction between his stepson and younger son by the same woman.

    Both situations, apart from the admirable relationship they built up with their stepchildren, were fraught from the start. Being the parent of a newborn is all-consuming, especially if the biological father is either a non-existent presence or a very disgruntled ex. There are the sleepless nights, life changing adjustments, and in these cases for the man the opprobium you get by being the ‘other man’. They are also right there from the start, so it feels as if the child is truly theirs. If the relationship dissolves, what are their rights to seeing the child they feel they have brought up? It worked out well in these two cases, but there are many more where your relationship with the child is over as the mother does not want you in her life anymore. For both of my friends, I would have wished a different situation, and i can imagine that most men who are not invested in you will run a mile. The two friends i mentioned were insanely high on chemistry, otherwise i doubt they would have entered into these situations willingly.

    While i wish a happy love life for you, my advice would be to concentrate on the pregnancy and the care of your new born (especially if you are running a business as a full time job). A couple of years go by very quickly and you will feel far more ready to focus on a new man in your life when your child is a bit older.

     

  9. 9
    Katie

    I misunderstood Jenny when I first read this. First read through, she seemed inexcusably oblivious! Why would she expect a dude to date her when he could date a nonpreg chick? Of course it’s going to change your options!

    But she’s 44 and didn’t think she would be able to have another baby and she feels like this is her last chance. She’s prioritizing that over her dating life. I kinda get that. I mean, I don’t want babies ever, but I still kinda understand her viewpoint better.

    Oh and Karl gave good advice, Jenny! He mentioned you being a niche market (haha!) and that’s true! You should totally own it. Some guys have pregnancy fetishes, and you may could connect with them and maybe start a relationship and see if you like each other. It’s better than just putting dating on hold for the next 7 months.

  10. 10
    Erin

    Jenny has courage and optimism. She may encounter some difficulties at the beginning but she will be fine in the end. What’s all this talk about “market value”, we are talking about people here, not houses for sale.

    1. 10.1
      JB

      Like it or not everyone has “market value” whether you’re in the dating market on Match or looking for a job. We live on planet earth. Many things dictate that value and I think we all know or can guess what they are.

    2. 10.2
      Buck25

      “What’s all this talk about “market value”, we are talking about people here, not houses for sale”

      Erin,

      Thanks for the most refreshing, (not to mention kind and compassionate) comment of the day! Words we all would do well to remember, in an online universe where too many see only commodities and things, and not the flesh and blood human beings behind the words and pictures.

      1. 10.2.1
        KK

        Buck25,

        I get your point, but it seems a bit disingenuous considering you put your dates through a shit test consisting of a 5 mile hike to weed out the fatties. Lol

        1. Buck25

          Hi KK,

          Yeah, I don’t think anyone who was here back then is gonna ever let that one go, lol! Course, it was a while back, and I have been through some changes and some growth since. But like I said once before, I did it, and I own it.

          Anyway I’m not here much anymore; too busy with a relationship, but will drop by from time to time just to toss out a little snarky  humor, and stir the pot.

  11. 11
    MilkyMae

    A 440 yo with youngsters wants to search for new men while pregnant.  If I read this email with out any of the commentary, I would assume the women is dating to make a father or someone else to take notice.  She wants to look like she has it all.  If she has a facebook account, I bet the baby bump pics will be there.  I few plausible new man pics would really be impressive. I could be wrong.

  12. 12
    GoWiththeFlow

    Okay, so maybe I just can’t multitask, but when I was going through the process to adopt as a single parent, and then when my two were placed with me, I considered dating to be off the table for a very long time if not completely over with.  I can’t imagine trying to deal with the stress of impending parenthood, then adjusting to a new child while also trying to take on the time, energy, and drama that dating involves.  And that’s even if you can find a man willing to date you while you’re pregnant or have an infant.  Being a single mom of young kids does nothing to increase your desirability to men, and for a lot of men it’s a huge negative.

    Jenny, take care of yourself, enjoy your new baby, and best of luck working out a co-parenting relationship with your ex.  But forget dating for awhile.  You will have enough on your plate, and not a lot of men queuing up to date you, and that’s okay.  Focus on and be grateful for what you have, not what your fantasy life scenario is.

  13. 13
    Heather K

    I think another potential market for the letter writer would be men who can’t have kids of their own, for various health/fertility/genetic reasons, but very much want to be a father.  While that may not be the norm, there may be more men like that out there than we know of.  It’s not something that people advertise or talk about a lot.  These men may be discriminated against by women who want their partner to be able to have more kids, but may be just as wonderful, hopeful and thoughtful as the letter writer appears to be.  We are all unique individuals simply trying to find the right ‘fit.’  There will always be someone ‘better’ than us or our partners, on paper, but it’s not about ‘better’ in absolute terms – it’s about two people having a vision and resources that work with and for each other.

    The letter writer should definitely not give up.  She should look at what qualities she is interested in, and what kind of relationship she wants, and filter out people who are not interested in the same, without compromising on her values.

  14. 14
    CJ

    Well, she has far more stamina than I.  I couldn’t date with 3 teenagers and doing a degree and looking after a house and pet.  When I accidentally met someone – I was run ragged trying to keep up with it all.  Giving birth is an incredibly personal thing – I wouldn’t want someone I’d known less than 9 months being there with me during the icky, sticky weeks and long moments that childbirth and a newborn brings. (No sex for six weeks, remember????) No way.  But, I’m a very private person.  Who knows, letting it all hang out quite literally, for a virtual stranger may be OK for others? And if you meet someone and let him share all of those unique, personal special moments and then break up with him? That will be the memory of those moments – having shared everything so personal and special with someone you don’t know anymore and who isn’t even the father of the child? That would be really weird for me to process.

    I don’t date now because I am shepherding a teenage daughter through her last year of high school and doing another degree.  I simply don’t want a stranger (by stranger, I mean someone I’ve known less than one year) around my teenage daughter. The man I dated never met this child and I was with him for over a year. A newborn?  So stressful. The statistics of step dads and kids is pretty dire. My psychologist I went to after my marriage broke down agreed with me.  I’m not sure what dating can add to your life that good friends can’t – especially when your life is full of kids and work etc.  Friends can love you, children can love you, family can love you. I’m not sure why a man loving you is more desirable than this.

    From the kids point of view – their mum had them, now she’s introduced another man into their lives who is going to be around for the long term – he impregnated mum and hangs around because he is the father of their sibling but they barely know him and their sibling will be disappearing on weekends with some dude they barely know – now mum is going on dates with yet another man, I presume leaving a newborn with the dad so she can go out? How is that even going to work?  I know as a kid at 12 and knowing how babies were made – knowing my mum got pregnant and then was also seeing numerous other guys while pregnant would definitely dent my view of her and her priorities. I would have known my siblings and I were not very high on the list; whether that is the case or not. My mum had a business and I was resentful of the business, lol!! I can’t imagine if she was dating and vetting numerous men while pregnant. Children are ego-centric. Think how you would feel as a 12 year old girl watching her pregnant mum dating… The practicalities of the whole situation just boggle my mind – I’ve spent my life trying to make it as simple and drama free as possible and this seems like drama begging to happen!

    Of course, there is a chance you may find exactly what you are looking for and vice versa. It just seems tiring to me. I’m definitely old before my time……. Good luck with your baby. They are the most wonderful things on earth and they smell so good.. Enjoy.

    1. 14.1
      KK

      CJ,

      “From the kids point of view – their mum had them, now she’s introduced another man into their lives who is going to be around for the long term – he impregnated mum and hangs around because he is the father of their sibling but they barely know him and their sibling will be disappearing on weekends with some dude they barely know – now mum is going on dates with yet another man, I presume leaving a newborn with the dad so she can go out”?

      Those were my exact thoughts. I feel sorry for her kids. Selfish people really shouldn’t procreate.

  15. 15
    sandra

    Why do people feel the need to do everything in life at once?  Isn’t the joy and dedication of a newborn baby enough?  While not exactly equal, reminds me of the letter a bit ago about the woman ( around the same age  I recall) who moved in with her folks after a divorce and financial setback.  What is so bad about getting your life together first.  Why this constant need to “date” and find true love.  There are times when it is just not the right time.

    Of course, she can do what she wants.  Just sayin’.

  16. 16
    L

    Yes, you are 100% right Evan.  I got divorced when my youngest was 10 months old – not pregnant but I was a breastfeeding single mother of 3.  I was a lot younger than Jenny – at 32 I thought I was a catch. Attractive, smart, successful.  Who wouldn’t want me?

    Dating was not impossible but let’s go through my relationships.  (1) player and commitment phone that wanted sex and broke my heart, (2) single dad that wanted NSA sex, (3) 47 year old bachelor who was desperate for a family but once he met the kids, it was obvious that he knew little about children and didn’t like them.  (4)  a series of emotionally unavailable commitment phobes.

    Now my youngest is in school and I am in a much better place.  Telling people I have three school aged children plays differently than a baby/toddler plus two more.  My current boyfriend is a fabulous man – an emotionally available single father who is every bit as good a catch as I am.  This is the first guy I have dated since my divorce that is in a good place.

    OP may find love but most likely she will find some on commital relationships  because high quality men aren’t going to be interested in her (most likely).  I couldn’t imagine dating when pregnant.  Dating with an infant/toddler was hard enough.

  17. 17
    kerry

    I ended up single and 6 weeks pregnant with an 18 months old both after long term marriage and they had one father. I was 38 when this happened.

    I tried dating when I was pregnant. Met some interesting men who vanished quickly when I told them about pregnancy. I stopped dating when it became noticeable that I was pregnant. I started again when my baby was 6 month old.  One attempt for relationship with a younger guy who wanted to string me along and never was serious, another was with a 47 years old who thought to mooch of me, then next relationship was   half decent 47 year old who dumped me as soon as I asked him to limit the amount of alcohol he was taking.

    my kids are 3 and 5 now.  I have decent job, I don’t look like a model but I am in decent shape and looks.

  18. 18
    Lisa

    I’m in a similar situation in that I made the decision to try and have a baby on my own instead of forcing a relationship forward just to have a baby. I’m 42, successful, a homeowner, have an amazing network of friends and family who are excited for the baby and I’m newly (just 10 weeks) pregnant. While I’m doing it on my own and it isn’t ideal, I also won’t have to answer to a “baby Daddy” because I used a sperm donor.

    It remains to be seen if having a Baby Daddy in the picture (ever) makes a difference to potential mates.

  19. 19
    Red

    The advice and comments are generally discouraging but the letter writer should keep in mind that people with dating challenges find love every day. Terminally ill people find love. Old people find love. Obese people find love. Ugly people find love. People in serious debt find love. Strong successful pregnant single mothers with their own businesses find love. It very likely will take longer and the search very likely will involve more disappointments than it would under different circumstances, but as long as she has the heart to keep seeking love she shouldn’t give up.

    1. 19.1
      Marika

      Lovely comment, Red.

      It would be foolish to say dating will be easy under these circumstances, but some of the jugdy commenters are, in my opinion, just highlighting their own fears & limited ways of thinking. Good to see there are people on here with balanced & helpful comments.

      Give it a go Jenny, bear in mind the useful comments (Karl, Red, and obviously Evan to name a few), and hey, haters gonna hate..:)

  20. 20
    JB

    The question was “is it possible to DATE while pregnant?” Its not “is it possible to have a serious relationship while pregnant?” Of course it’s possible. Many men love to just date. So if you’re an attractive pregnant women you’re more likely to find men who will date you. They probably won’t get serious with you though. It probably won’t be men from the upper echelon who have many options either. So if you’re pregnant and just want to go on a date every once in while. Go for it. It’s just dating. I myself find some pregnant women very attractive but I never dated one nor have I ever seen a single one looking anywhere online or IRL for a date. Too many variables for me to say yes or no. I’m open minded but in my 50’s I doubt I’ll ever run into this scenario.

    1. 20.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      JB & Jenny,

      You bring up an important point:  Is Jenny looking to casually date or is she looking for a committed relationship?  Because she said she didn’t want to “put off looking for my life partner” I assume she’s not looking to just casually hook up.  And that adds a whole other layer of complexity to her situation.

      I think that for most people, an overall goal or desire in life is to find a loving long term partner.  However, sometimes circumstances in life are such that you aren’t in a position to achieve it in the immediate future.  An example of this would be a man in the military in a war zone.  While he may dream of finding a nice woman to settle down with when he gets home, he has other immediate concerns to say the least!

      I also think Jenny is underestimating how much time and energy she is going to have once this baby arrives. Being a single mom to a school age child who sleep 9 hours a night, can dress, feed, and entertain him or herself, is a piece of cake compared to a newborn.  And since I’ve been there, done it, and have the T-shirt, I can certainly tell Jenny that she will have a much harder time physically recovering from the weeks and months of sleepless nights than she did when she had her older two children at a younger age.  She essentially will be in war zone like situation where she is knocked down to working to cover her basic needs; sleep, meals, safety, and a basic routine.

      Again, having been there and done it, Jenny may be at a point where she may have to put off pursuing her long term goal of a life partner until her more immediate situation is more settled.

  21. 21
    Lisa

    I agree it is going to be really tough to do and it is probably best to focus on giving birth and caring for your child.    In the world of online dating  you are going to have a very tough time unless there are men that have pregnancy fetishes and surely that won’t last long, because well eventually you will not be pregnant.  Online dating is super competitve and while as a non pregnant woman I bet you are quite a catch, and still have a hard time, as a pregnant women most men will simply overlook you.  That’s not right, it just is.  Of course there is the chance that in living your everyday life you may meet someone and decide to date, it happens in Hallmark movies :).    But during this very sensitive time it is likely not a good idea for you or for your child.  I think the best thing to do is tell yourself that if you are going to be alone you are okay with that.  Doing so prevents you from feeling the need to rush to a relationship.    Good luck to you!

  22. 22
    Stacy2

    Honestly it is really hard to even consider this question seriously. I mean, could she serendipitously  meet the love of her love while pregnant, say an artisanal cheese vendor at a farmers market who looks like Alex O’Loughlin 🙂 ? Yeah, sure stranger things have happened. But I wouldn’t count on it, and moreover, I would not put any effort whatsoever into “finding the one” during this phase, beyond just taking care of yourself, staying healthy and active with your usual lifestyle. I wouldn’t go about it proactively, as the return on effort in such situation would really be crappy, IMO. In the OLD she’d be viewed as a freak, you can’t really pull off the bar scene past the 2nd trimester, and how much energy would she have to go out anyway? Doesn’t seem worth it.

  23. 23
    Joe

    I once dated a woman in similar circumstances. I answered her personal ad. She had a 2 month old at the time. I was interested in pursuing the relationship, but after several dates she realized that taking care of the kid and trying to date were just too much for her, and she ended it.

  24. 24
    Clare

    I might be totally wrong, but my first intuitive feeling when I read Jenny’s story was – safe sex? I wonder. She admitted she wanted a third baby. She’s not the slightest bit bothered that she and the father are not together any more, she’s got her wish. Now to me, that speaks of her wanting to fill a void inside herself rather than putting the best interests of the child first. People may slam me for saying this – I don’t care. This situation is not ideal for the children, who thrive best in a loving home with both their parents, not different men wandering in and out of their lives. Jenny honestly seems a little selfish to me to be wanting to bring another man into the mix whilst she is going through the ups and downs of pregnancy and caring for an unborn child. She seems very emotionally needy to me. That is tuppence worth on this situation.

  25. 25
    Christina

    Hey I am an optimistic and if you want to date then go date. I mean you never know unless you try. If you see a chance than go for it. Dont look for someone to tell if its okay. If there is a will there’s is a way. So go ahead make a way and be the exception.

     

  26. 26
    Marie

    What concerns me about this letter writer is less about dating while pregnant as there does not seem to be much consideration given to how her actions are going to affect her two young kids and unborn child.  Her kids already have to deal with sharing time between two parents, with a mom who sounds like she works full time and more with her own business. Now they have to adjust with a new sibling who will likely consume most of their mom’s time and energy as the pregnancy goes on and the subsequent months afterwards.  On top of that, they are going to have to share whatever time and energy are left with their moms agenda to date and the emotional ups and downs the mom will have to go through for that??  What exactly are the scraps of time and energy that are going to be left over for these poor kids?  Not to mention it is not a walk in the park to be pregnant at 44.  I’m younger than you, in my second trimester.  I’m fit, had virtually no significant pregnancy symptoms and have an adoring husband who insists on doing everything at home so I can rest after my demanding job.  And I am still exhausted at the end of the day and can barely stand up.  Not to mention I cry now when watching Disney movies.  I cannot imagine going through dating like this – and I am not responsible for any other kids!!  I’m all for finding love, but you made a decision to have these 3 kids. They are your primary responsibility.  Is it so hard to wait a few months before your two kids lose more precious time when the baby comes to just give them your undivided attention?  Are you that desperate to be without a man for such little time?

      1. 26.1.1
        Marie

        Thank goodness for that, Evan.  Can’t say that I started out particularly wiser or smarter than anyone else but I sure learned a lot from you and the other Focus women! 🙂

  27. 27
    Joel

    The real threat is men who will use her vulnerable situation for their own advantage.  Be it sex, money, control or all three.  She is living in a fantasy world of delusion.  Finding that perfect guy to accept her situation is 1 in a million, finding a guy who will pretend to the 1 in a million to exploit and use her.  Pretty much 100% guarantee.  I married a women with MS so I know about acceptance.  I think even I would walk away in this situation.

  28. 28
    Richard

    I am sorry to appear blunt here, but you’ve got to be joking. You’re not living in reality. You already have two children and you’re pregnant with a third. All of those children are going to take up huge amounts of your time, as well as your business.

    The other thing is… You’re asking for cuckoldry. Men are hard-wired to avoid that.

  29. 29
    amanda

    Is it possible? Sure, anything is possible…but I would gently suggest that Jenny manage her expectations in this situation.

    I can speak from experience on this!! I was 4 months pregnant and out for my sisters birthday when I met a guy who was friends with her boyfriend. We were very attracted to each other & even ended up making out by the end of the night, and continued dating for several months. It was very casual, I never referred to him as my bf. Actually I introduced him as my “dude” just like the guy in the towel on that Seinfeld episode.

    After my daughter was born things sort of fell apart with us, for several reasons, and there was some hurt feelings on both sides. But we both moved on & after several years we are friends (he is still close friends with my brother-in-law)

    I’m happy that I was able to date during my pregnancy but I should add:

    although he was attractive and could be very sweet, he also lived in a trailer with his mom and didn’t have a job or a car

    and I was 28, not 44.

    I approached the situation strictly in terms of dating for the sake of dating, not dating with intention of marriage. If you are looking for your next husband with a bun in the oven that is a tall order.

    But hey, crazier things have happened, and if you can imagine it then it’s still in the realm of possibility. Best of luck!!

  30. 30
    mee

    I hate to say it but your babyfather sounds like a good guy-could you not just try and make a go of things with him again? It might not be perfect but if it’s okay and you have a child together would it not be better than ending up alone or with someone not as nice, or who just wants one thing-there are guys with weird pregnancy and lactation fetishes you know

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