I’ve Lost All Faith in Love. Am I Doomed to Be Alone Forever?

Hello, Evan, I have written to you before saying I have a horrible time keeping guys. All the guys I’ve met and fallen for have left me. Either they lose interest or I think that I’m not good enough for them. Either way, they always leave me in the dust. When I wrote to you before, you told me that I have to stop being the guy, but it is so hard for me just to wait around and be approached. First of all, not many guys approach me so I always have the urge to do the approaching or I feel that I will never be approached. I’m very impatient. I have this fear of being alone forever and sometimes I wonder if I’m doomed to be single forever…and I hate the idea of being alone. I’ve lost all faith that I will find somebody.

I focus way too much on finding a boyfriend… to the point that it’s kind of become an obsession. It’s really hard for me to go day after day without a boyfriend. I don’t have many hobbies to focus on which is probably part of my problem.

What can I do to get my love life back? I used to have a happier more fulfilling life when I didn’t think so much about guys. And I’m sure being this desperate and needy probably scares them away. I have a lot of fears, loneliness, and the need for someone to be affectionate and hold me. What can I do to help me?

I honestly don’t feel much of a connection with most guys… since I’ve been hurt so many times, but I still want to find the man of my dreams.

Thanks,
Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Did you ever notice how two people can look at the exact same situation through completely different eyes? Liberals and conservatives? Israelis and Palestinians? Men and women? ☺

A confident woman knows she holds all the cards in the relationship. If she doesn’t like the way he texts, calls, communicates, kisses, or commits, she can dump him at any time.

The wisest among us are the ones who can acknowledge and understand another’s point of view. It doesn’t mean you’re going to change your mind entirely, but it means you have to be open to the possibility of a different truth.

Here’s your truth:

You think you’re not good enough for men. You feel you’ll never be approached. You have a fear of being alone forever. You’ve lost all faith you’ll find somebody. You’re obsessed with finding love. You believe that men will always leave you.

That’s your belief. That’s your opinion. That’s your story.

The problem is that it’s not 100% true. And until you let go of this negative, self-fulfilling prophecy, you’re going to keep perpetuating that same cycle of desperation, need, and abandonment.

In other words, you need a complete mindset reboot.

Instead of seeing yourself as this low self-esteem, sad, put-upon girl who throws herself at unavailable men only to discover that, in fact, they’re unavailable, how about you flip the script?

No one values you because YOU don’t value you. Start valuing yourself now and watch men follow suit.

Take a look at women who do well with men. What do they have that you don’t? It’s not looks. It’s not money. It’s not even kindness.

It’s confidence.

That’s it.

A confident woman will carry herself with a smile and her head held high.
A confident woman will radiate joy and serenity.
A confident woman is 100% comfortable in her own skin.
A confident woman knows that men approach women when they’re attracted.
A confident woman knows she doesn’t have to text him, call him, or spy on him to “keep” him.
A confident woman knows she holds all the cards in the relationship. If she doesn’t like the way he texts, calls, communicates, kisses, or commits, she can dump him at any time.
A confident woman knows there’s always another guy out there, and therefore, never worries about getting rid of disappointing men.

A confident woman knows there’s always another guy out there, and therefore, never worries about getting rid of disappointing men.

This is what I call CEO energy.

You have what I call intern energy – you’re desperate for a job, you’ll take anything, you’ll work for free – and, as a result, no one values you.

That’s because YOU don’t value you.

Start valuing yourself now and watch men follow suit.

Come back tomorrow to see another thought-provoking video with a specific way to generate confidence even when you’re not feeling it.

Sign up below to be notified when the video is posted on the blog so you don’t forget!

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Suheil

    When I started reading the letter I could identify with that feeling in many ways, and “not wanting to be alone” lead me to tolerate things I shouldn’t have and to act in ways that didn’t make me feel proud of myself. I completely agree with Evan, and I would add that life has lessons, and if we don’t learn them, they come back and knock you harder until you learn your lesson. Maybe you need to learn to be alone and be ok with yourself, until you learn that, you won’t be able to he with anybody else. I completely agree with Evan :) 

    1. 1.1
      BostonRobin

      So important to be able to enjoy your own company! I’m finally at the point where it takes a very special person indeed to make me want to share my free time.

  2. 2
    Iridium_moon

    Ashley, Mr Katz’s comments are absolutely bang-on. 
     
    I’ve met two women who displayed exactly the same beliefs as you. One was right: she is indeed going to be alone forever, in a future which will probably include a large number of smelly cats; whereas the other listened to what I advised her: that self-belief and self-confidence is key.
     
    The difference between the two ladies was that one managed to combine unshakeable low self-esteem with unshakeable arrogance, whereas the other would at least countenance the idea that she might be wrong. I hope you don’t need to guess which one faces the feline future.
     
    Sorry to be blunt, but people who respond with the ‘Poor you’ and ‘All men are b@stards’ paradigm will be of no help. (Even if the latter assertion may well be substantially correct!)
     
    The difficulty I foresee is that to help, it will take more than rewriting a dating profile or changing a few pictures. It may require a complete change to your outlook on life, self-image, possibly even the personality you project. Such things are not easy to do. They may not even be possible. But that does not mean they are not worth striving for, for the rewards will be immense.
     
    Behavioural changes are much easier to implement. For example, immediately stop doing anything which belies desperation, impatience, or neediness: there is no more certain way to turn off a man.
     
    If in a new relationship, be cool. Never press things. And here’s a secret tip from a man: maybe even pretend there are other men waiting in line. Even if there aren’t. It switches on the mate-retention neurochemistry which has evolved in us men’s little Neanderthoid brains :)
     
    And apologies if I’m wrong, but leave your phone alone. Never bombard a man with annoying texts. Never check-up on or investigate his movements. Never ask where he’s been. Such tactics demonstrate insecurity and neediness; they never have a positive outcome, so why play a game one can only lose? I’m at a loss to understand why so many otherwise intelligent females do this. (And just as many insecure men do it too.)
     
    I’ll end with a little vignette. I stayed with a group of girls house-sitting for a week last month. One very attractive woman was obsessed with an equally-attractive boyfriend she had recently landed. To prove her attraction she texted him what seemed like every few minutes. Literally hundreds of texts. It made her boring to everyone else around, and God-only-knows how boring it made her to her target.
     
    I suggested she put her bloody phone down. Ignore it. And ignore him for a bit. (I so wanted to grab the instrument and hurl it into the pool.) Be busy when he next asks for a date, but make instead a clear and exact date for a later time. Never rush to his house when he calls at 11.30pm. Never keep changing plans, being late, or changing your mind. (She was guilty of all these delights.)
     
    Exactly as everyone predicted, this chap suggested she ‘Move on’ within only a few days.
     
    QED. Why do women do this stuff?

    1. 2.1
      Pink Lipgloss

      Because their parents failed to either model healthy relationships or their mother chose to be a single mother and raise them without a man in the house modeling healthy behaviors.  Many women I believer are mentally ill in need of therapy then a dating coach. I am woman and have enjoyed therapy and Marc’s books.

      1. 2.1.1
        janetkwest

        Yes! Yes! Yes!

      2. 2.1.2
        Dawn

        I don’t think most single mothers choose to be single mothers. 
        Just my 2 cents

        1. NASHWC

          Dawn,  over 70% of divorces are initiated by women so your ‘belief’ is flawed.

      3. 2.1.3
        Paula

        hahaha!! so ignorant pink lipgloss! ok, all the unhappily married and/ or abused or cheated on wives out yhere, stay with your hubby to teach your children how to  settle for less. How notvto value yourself enough to leave. I would have rather been raised by a strong, confident, happy single mum who was very particular which men she let into her life.

  3. 3
    Jay

    @Iridium_moon: On the opening to your post…  Having cats is by no means the preserve of the lonely. In fact quite the opposite. Mine taught me to open my heart again to love. My advice to the poster: Get a pet. Your ability to love unconditionally may be awakened which, as well as being therapeutic, will shine from you like a lamp.

    1. 3.1
      Iridium_moon

       
      Maybe not, but gaining a ‘large number’ of ‘smelly cats’, even if you are not deprived of human companionship to start with, may ensure that you soon will be! :)
       
      I’m not convinced that old cliché of being able to ‘love unconditionally’ is something to aspire to anyway. I suggest that only a romantic fool would offer an unconditional anything. Love, to endure, is by definition mutual, complimentary, altruistic maybe, but certainly not unilaterally unconditional: as therein can lie the seeds of an abusive and unbalanced arrangement.
       
      I may be in a minority here – and quite possibly a minority of one – but I do find women who keep large mammals as pets after a certain age, unattractive. (I don’t include horses.) I may get flamed for this, but would you ladies rather I lie?
       
      I dated a few pet-keepers when I was on Match, and all proved difficult in one way or another. 
       
      Purely on a practical level, being asked in after a dinner-date only to have two cats literally hanging off my best Prada jeans, or a big smelly dog display an excessive interest in my testicles, is not a good look.
       
      More seriously, I remain unconvinced that animals can teach us anything about real love, or certainly not of the kind sought by most men and women. But I’ll declare an interest: I’m a scientist by nature and training, and never anthropomorphise animal behaviour, so may be at a huge disadvantage here!

      1. 3.1.1
        janetkwest

        Most of us don’t care for your opinion, because it doesn’t matter.  Reminds me of the drunk who staggered to my table to tell me that he could really go for me if I just had long hair. Opinions are your own. Never confuse them with truth.

        1. starthrower68

          That does kind of make smelly cats appealing, no?  

        2. Iridium_moon

          I agree Janet, you are right in that one person’s opinion is, by definition, his or her own.

          But not all opinions are necessarily at variance with the truth. Quite the contrary. And of course everyone is entitled to their own opinions; but no one is entitled to their own facts.
           
          I’m unsure who you mean by ‘Most of us.’ Do you mean people on this site? Women on this site? All women? Or that subset of women to whom I refer who are both single and maintain excessive quantities of cats? 
           
          Or perhaps you really mean ‘I.’  I don’t understand how you could have reliably acquired the data to attribute your assertions to any except that final category.
           
          I suspect, therefore, that you and I will have to disagree on these points.
           
          Best wishes, Mark.

      2. 3.1.2
        Suheil

        I liked your opinion, however uncomfortable it might be to hear it, it’s
        yours and it’s honest and in all truth… I agree 

      3. 3.1.3
        Isa

        Cats are generally ok, usually antisocial and hide from guests. Dogs? Just… no.  Heck I can’t even talk to my married sister on the phone longer than 5 minutes anymore as they adopted a very active Australian sheep herder.  I personally would like to date someone with a sea monkeys. The only question, can you re-desiccate them if they prove too time consuming?

        1. Julia

          If you dislike dogs you are just narrowing your dating pool to men who don’t have them and don’t want them. Most people have pets, its just easier to be a pet person, more options.

        2. starthrower68

          I’m wondering if there’s any acceptable side pursuit for a woman these days?

        3. Isa

          I don’t dislike dogs actually, I had one when I was a child and was very fond of it.  It’s the time commitment for single person that I object to, or if your animal’s neediness degrades your relationship with other people. Besides, as pack animals they tend not to be all that happy with only 1 person around. Ideal for families, singles…? Not so much.

      4. 3.1.4
        Dawn

        Unlike Janet, I’m enjoying reading your point of view!!

        1. Iridium_mooon

          Thank you, Suheil and Dawn.

          Ha Ha Isa, I much enjoyed your ‘sea monkey’ idea, and am delighted to register no objection to anyone keeping Artemia sp. No, you can’t re-desiccate them if you become bored with their company, but you can simply flush them down the loo. Oh were it that simple with partners!
           
          Julia you are of course correct, but one cannot affect to be a ‘pet person’ just for dating expediency. No more than a short man can affect to be taller. It just can’t be done and pretending soon gets you found out.
           
          I have no real dislike of pets at all – I live in an old UK farmhouse with wild grounds, am surrounded by teeming wildlife, and have kept dogs before. But, as Isa alludes to, a potential problem is redirection of affection (sometimes to a creepy degree) and the sheer time constraints of keeping large mammals if you’re single.
           
          Here are some more personal experiences. And yes, before you flame me I know one can’t extrapolate from a small data set, but that doesn’t render my own experiences invalid.
           
          1. An otherwise delightful woman from Match who kept a large dog in a small house. On two occasions after-dinner conversation and eye contact was directed more at the dog than at me, with repeated toy-throwing, and with canine saliva being deposited on my trousers. There was no chance of a relaxing late-night rambling chat (no, that’s not a metaphor :) ) as ‘walkies’ would be required at 06.00. Every day for the next 12 years. Bye!
           
          2. A married, childless, woman who I knew at my overseas home and with whom I used to playfully flirt. She was obsessed with her cat, and often talked of little else. A huge amount of money had been spent on vets’ bills and special transport to bring the cat across the world when she relocated. When she was away travelling, the ridiculous creature maintained a personal, full-time maid. I’m not making this up.

          Now here’s the thing which even I hesitate to bring up in polite company: this attractive, slim, well-educated lady actually admitted to sexual activity with her cat. In detail.
           
          You may now thank me for putting that image into your head.
           
          3. A new lady stayed at my place in Asia for a day, after which I suggested we jump into my car and drive to a beautiful hotel I know in the mountains. She would genuinely have loved to come with me; but could she? No. Why not? Her bloody cat needed daily feeding. (And it wasn’t an excuse – I’m old enough and ugly enough to know the difference.)
          A clear demonstration of how the time constraints of animal-keeping can destroy the possibility of developing intimacy, or even close friendship.
           
          4. On being invited to a fine young lady’s bedroom, finding that it contained many boxes of newly-hatched tortoises. This one I didn’t mind at all, as there was no question of emotional attachment, and said bedroom was in a rambling 600-year-old English mansion occupied by the most delightfully eccentric family it has ever been my misfortune to meet. The kind of place where one would expect chelonians to overrun the bed chambers; so that made it all perfectly OK.
           
          It’s something about the fluffy mammals which raises concern.
           
          So here’s a gentle suggestion: if you’re a little lonely and would love to have a partner but are having difficulty in finding one, don’t fill the void with a large animal. They can dangerously distort your affection neurochemistry, and, by needing continual care, distract you from your search for a human companion, and often render impulsive romantic plans impossible.
           
          All my own opinions of course. May or may not be true!
           

      5. 3.1.5
        Jenn

        People get this wrong all the time: animals do not necessarily teach us about how they can love unconditionally. There are exceptions of course – many pets do seem to be especially bonded to certain people in their lives. But the insistent belief that people have about animals offering unconditional love isn’t quite right. It’s about how they teach us to give our love unconditionally. Pet lovers do tend to be more giving, compassionate, caring and big-hearted in general. We have to learn responsible care and have consistent love for another creature long before children ever enter the picture.

        I disagree that animals can’t teach us anything about romantic love. Love is all about selfless giving – if you are responsible for the love and care of another living creature, that requires the very thing that makes romantic relationships succeed: giving without high expectations of receiving an equal return on investment. My animals cost a small fortune each year with vet care, food, toys and supplies. It takes time to walk my dog and clean my cats’ litter pans each week, time that I could be spending on other things. The affection and companionship I receive in return may not be equal to what I spend monetarily and time-wise, but it’s enough for me. 

        1. Iridium_moon

          ” Pet lovers do tend to be more giving, compassionate, caring and big-hearted in general. We have to learn responsible care and have consistent love for another creature long before children ever enter the picture. ”
          Sorry, Jenn, you sound like a nice person and I don’t begrudge you your menagerie, but that wholly-unsupported statement is ridiculous in its generality.
          If you want a simple counter-argument, here’s one: Adolf Hitler loved dogs.
          The love we feel for our children is not something we need to ‘learn’. It’s innate, and an important part of human evolutionary history.
          Your comments highlight to me exactly what I see as the problem. The natural instinct we have to love our children can so easily be hijacked by pets; and that’s what I find so unattractive in women who are excessively devoted to their animals. Regardless of the fact that I probably understand the science, I can’t help that it still feels creepy.
          ” My animals cost a small fortune each year with vet care, food, toys and supplies. It takes time to walk my dog and clean my cats’ litter pans each week, time that I could be spending on other things. ”
          Yes, exactly! Like dating and getting to know people, rather than spending time anthropomorphising animals.

        2. Jenn

          Anthropomorphizing my pets? Did I say that I think of my pets as children? No, I did not. And you’re technically wrong, because the term “anthropomorphizing” has more to do with interpreting animal behavior as if they are human (i.e. saying that your cat pees on the sofa to “spite” you). I am not using my animals in place of children and I never said that every single person who loves animals is a saint. It’s true though, animal lovers do tend to be more easygoing, kind and compassionate, not to mention lovers of nature. Love for animals doesn’t need to be “learned” either. I grew up with pets, but I’ve always loved all animals. I have more than enough love to give both to my future children AND to the pets in my life, so there’s no hi-jacking of anything going on. THAT is what I meant by saying that animal lovers tend to be more big-hearted. It doesn’t make me “excessively devoted” to my animals when I have to call it a night to go home and let the dog out. It just means I don’t want her to have to hold it so long that she might have an accident. It’s called being responsible for the care of a living creature, and anticipating their needs (which is exactly why pet lovers tend to make good partners and parents). And I resent the statement that I’m choosing to spend time with my animals over supposedly “more important” things like dating. I make time for both – it’s called having a balanced life. You make it sound like someone who has more than one pet is a nut. Just because people have multiple pets doesn’t make them crazy.

          And if you think that dating people who have pets is a pain, try dating ones who have young children. Kids require about 10 times the amount of love, care and feeding! I wouldn’t agree on “impulsive romantic plans” anyway, pets or no pets – if a man wants to see me, he needs to call me in advance.

      6. 3.1.6
        Mindy

        I could never be with a man who didn’t have a love for animals.  I will always have a dog around and I can always tell who is a keeper by his treatment of my dog and whether my dog likes him.

  4. 4
    Peter 51

    CEO energy & intern energy.  Brilliant!

  5. 5
    Cassandra

    I love this letter and I love your response Evan. I always say fake it ’til you make it! But what I have learned is that you can’t really fake confidence. Well not for very long at least. After having  two heartbreaks in a row I realized I had become completely lost in my relationships. I knew I needed a break from dating so I did just that.  I did a year of an Eat Pray Love journey without the fantasy of the Hollywood romantic love story where a man saves me and takes me away at the end. Instead I let life lead me. I found that when I stopped watching TV and quieted my mind of the chatter of what I’m “supposed” to have or be, I discovered this sense of calmness that everything is ok. And when I realized that everything is ok, I gave up fear. With a quiet and open mind I also discovered my own intuition. Wayne Dyer says “you’re never really alone if you like the person you are with”.  I had no idea what that really meant until now a year later of just “being” an not searching for a fantasy or outward for happiness. It is never there! I stopped trying to drown my sorrows with distractions like TV, social media, drinking and going out or anything that took away from me being ok with being alone with myself and my thoughts. Well actually, one exception. I did start following a lot of spiritual people on Twitter which lead me to some articles that were quite helpful in my journey.  I also learned that the answer to the pain is Through the pain. Our fears of being alone or of anything is so much worse than the actual part of being alone. I implore everyone to take the time to not only be alone but to do some soul searching and reading about dating and life itself. To have a real understanding of truly being happy and grateful with what you have and don’t have at this very moment!  I recently found Evan Marc Katz and I have just about read everyone blog he wrote and downloaded Why He Disappeared.  Wow! I feel so empowered now.  I had no idea all the things I was doing that were not “effective” :) Without the foundation of inner peace and happiness, we can never find love out there… it always comes from with in first.
    Thank you Evan for your help and for having specific answers to questions I’ve always wondered about.
    And Ashley I have faith that you will discover that no one can ever fill our voids but ourselves. And once we are there, learning what to do and not do will be so much easier.
    :)

  6. 6
    Jeremy

    Another male perspective – I agree with Evan’s post.  But wanted to add the question of whether the OP might also be attracted to men who are “out of her league” (much as I despise that phase, I believe there is some truth to women seeking out higher status men, just as men often seek out women based on appearance).  If she is always attracted to very alpha guys who have numerous options, this might just be a pattern of unhealthy attractions.  Would the OP consider dating a more beta male (perhaps not as driven/wealthy, perhaps not as tall, but with a big heart and a strong desire to bond with and please their significant other?

    i don’t see that as “settling” but rather redefining what one is looking for.  Just food for thought… 

    1. 6.1
      Mandy

      I would have to say that dating beta males does not work for some women.

      I went from dating 6’5 former semi pro football players to dating guys who are more average. Dating men who are more average can cause additional issues on top of regular relationship issues for strong willed women.

      I tried to date a more beta male and either I was in charge and hated it or he was intimidated. An intimidated man will leave for someone more delicate.

      The latter guy was intimidated by my brains and body. He said I was fit, in better shape than him.  I never had that issue when I was dating men who were 6’5 or taller and were over 200 lbs.

      The alpha males I dated weren’t rich but they were natural leaders and exuded a lot of masculine energy. There was never any question about who was in charge.

      Some women just can’t date beta males. 

      1. 6.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        You’re right. How were your relationships with those alphas? Are you in a safe, long-term, nurturing relationship with one right now?

        1. Mandy

          I’m currently on a guy-atus.

          The alphas I dated casually. One was great, but we had too many religious differences to date long term. He was wonderful in many ways though.

          I can’t describe how or why, but I feel more feminine with an alpha male. It was easier for me to let them take the lead.

          I think I butt heads with guys who don’t exude a lot of masculine energy. I went on a few dates with a more “beta” male, and he said I was difficult. I never had the problem with an alpha male either. 

  7. 7
    Gabriella

    My problem with the “be confident” approach is that it is a lot easier said than done. First of all, it is extremely hard to be confident when you have been scarred a few times. Second of all, I find that I can be super-confident and super-cool with men I am not really interested in. If they call, fine, if they don’t, that is also fine with me because I am not really interested in them. 
    But I am not comfortable with this role because I don’t want to play the cold hard bitch in dating, I want to fall in love ultimately.
    It is with men I am truly and genuinely interested in (men that have the potential to make me fall in love with them) that I completely lose my cool. It’s not that I become clingy or start to text/call non-stop (I would never do that),  but I get very-very anxious and upset when they don’t follow up in time (within 24 hours after the date) or don’t start to call me regularly after a few dates.
    So I would love to see a textbook with pratical advice on how to keep your cool when you are falling in love with a man :) (Oh, I have already read ‘Why He Disappeared’, I am thinking of something even more practical than that.)
    Ps. Forgive me if I make mistakes, English is not my native language.

    1. 7.1
      Julia

      Gabriella-I think its a bit normal to be anxious when someone you are interested in is being avoidant. The answer is to date many men at a time so you don’t focus all your energy on one. Ultimately you will end up with the man who is just as excited about you and will never leave you anxious.

      1. 7.1.1
        Iridium_moon

        And first prize goes to … Julia!
        The one with multiple, competing dating threads running in parallel, an obviously confident demeanor, sideways glance and red lipstick.
        Here is a woman who knows what she’s doing.
        Watch and learn, ladies, watch and learn.

        1. Julia

          Oh thank you. I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two from our gracious host. Some might question my morals but I’ve found myself in a very happy relationship. I’ve also dated around a ton and have found it mostly satisfying. Once you learn to enjoy male attention and company, many more men will want to give you both.

    2. 7.2
      Kathy

      Gabriella,  I agree with you.. It is easy to be cool and breezy with a guy we really aren’t interested in. And it IS hard to stay cool and not show our cards with a man we are really interested in or  crazy about. It is so hard to “keep a lid on it” when we are anxious about the outcome of a budding romance. It is the aspect of dating that I have the most difficulty with and would like to have the solution of how to solve it.  I think this is the nature of most women, and it is so hard to go against our natural instincts.

      1. 7.2.1
        RustyLH

        And it’s probably a good thing you can’t keep a lid on it. While you may waste that on a guy who isn’t interested, I can assure you that men do see that, and I feel pretty confident that most men aren’t going to get serious about a woman who is not showing those signs. We know this about women, so if a woman is playing it cool, we know she is a waste of time…she’s not into us. Better to invest our time, money and emotions someplace else.

      2. 7.2.2
        Joe

        Two things:

        1) Men have the same problem with women they are particularly interested in.

        2) You can’t be happy when you’re in a relationship unless you’re happy when you’re not in a relationship.

    3. 7.3
      Lisa B

      Gabriella,
      I feel exacty the same.  I think the answer lies somewhere in the “fake it to make it” slogan.  Whatever you feel like doing, do the exact opposite.  If you have the urge to text or check in because you are feeling anxious, recognize that you are trying to ‘control’ the situation out of insecurity and anxiety, and do the exact opposite of what you’re compelled to do  (i.e., do “nothing”, as Evan has said).  This approach can be torturous, as I know from first hand experience.  But we already know our current approach is not working, so I am trying to talk myself in trying something ‘different’. 
      Lisa

  8. 8
    Mary Beth

    What I embrace from this article is to do things to love yourself.  What can the woman who wrote the original email to embrace that is positive?   I think most of us go through a time where we feel we are in a slump.   Just know it will pass and better times will come.  One of the best ways to meet the opposite sex is doing something positive that you enjoy. 

  9. 10
    RustyLH

    I see no problem with pets. If you want pets, have them. Why would you give up pets if you like having pets. Not all men dislike pets. I love them. If you love having pets, and a man does not, well then he’s not right for you. Leave him behind. I will agree however that you should not have a huge number of pets. Even 2 cats and 2 dogs with other various pets like fish, birds, hamsters, etc… is going overboard. But, if that is really you, go for it. But anything done in excess can be a turn off.

    The key is, do they interfere with a normal dating life? If they are, then you may need to reassess the situation. Also, if they are making your house smell, then you may have too many and or you are doing it wrong.

  10. 11
    Rose

    I can’t tell if Ashley’s (the OP) problem is that she can’t attract men (“not many guys approach me “) or if her bigger problem is keeping their interest (“I have a horrible time keeping guys.“).  

    I’d say if it’s the former, then maybe she should be honest with herself and try to either lower her standards on the superficial (don’t lower your standards on the important things like compatibility and kindness and integrity, etc).  Or she should try to make herself more attractive on a superficial level (get in shape, get a better wardrobe, get a better haircut, whatever is applicable).  Either lower your superficial requirements for the guy, or better your own superficial qualities.

    If it’s the latter, then I think she is attractive enough to attract the men she wants, but she doesn’t have enough confidence or interesting enough personality to “keep them”.  In this case I think she needs to do the internal work that Evan and a lot of posters have said.  This could include finding a hobby, learn about current events so you are a better conversation partner, working on not being bitter, working on not being desperate, being authentic and vulnerable, being emotionally stable, etc.

    I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t be confident just by saying or thinking or chanting “just be confident!  I am awesome!  He is lucky to have me!”  The only way to change your perception of yourself is to actually be better.  I can lie to everyone else but I can’t lie to myself.  It feels like empty praise.  For me, I feel better about myself when I accomplish something.  It’s better to start with small goals, and then as you accomplish more, your confidence will naturally grow.

  11. 12
    RustyLH

    I would suggest that women learn their primary love language. There are 5. If your primary love language is physical touch, like it is for me, then you are not going to have a good marriage with a man who has that very low in his Love Language Profile. There are two tests, one for a man and one for a woman.

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/wives/
    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/husbands/

    There is only one way to take these. It pits the 5 love languages against each other. Don’t try to make it say what you want it to say. It is 30 questions long, and will give you two choices. Like, a) I like it when my husband gives me a hug when he gets home. b) I like it when my husband helps me with a chore that needs to be done.

    What you do is look at each set of choices, and think to yourself, which one would you choose if the one you choose, you get for the rest of your life, and the one you don’t choose, you will never get again. This really helps you understand what is actually important to you.

    Now, if you find out that you don’t really care about physical touch/affection, but love quality time (undivided attention), then you look for a man that is very similar. Love languages is not an area where opposites attract, and even if they do initially, in the end it leaves you feeling like you are in a cold loveless marriage.

  12. 13
    RustyLH

    I would suggest that women learn their primary love language. There are 5. If your primary love language is physical touch, like it is for me, then you are not going to have a good marriage with a man who has that very low in his Love Language Profile. There are two tests, one for a man and one for a woman.

    There is only one way to take the tests. It pits the 5 love languages against each other. Don’t try to make it say what you want it to say. It is 30 questions long, and will give you two choices. Like, a) I like it when my husband gives me a hug when he gets home. b) I like it when my husband helps me with a chore that needs to be done.

    What you do is look at each set of choices, and think to yourself, which one would you choose if the one you choose, you get for the rest of your life, and the one you don’t choose, you will never get again. This really helps you understand what is actually important to you.

    Now, if you find out that you don’t really care about physical touch/affection, but love quality time (undivided attention), then you look for a man that is very similar. Love languages is not an area where opposites attract, and even if they do initially, in the end it leaves you feeling like you are in a cold loveless marriage.

    1. 13.1
      Victoria

      Actually, the fella who came up with the whole 5 love languages schtick isn’t basing it on any sort of evidence-based approach.   It’s to be taken with a grain of salt (like Myers-Briggs, etc.)

      1. 13.1.1
        RustyLH

        That would be incorrect. It is in fact quite real and if you stop and think about it, it makes total sense. Now, however, like the Myers Briggs, the only fault lay with the person answering the question and how honest they , and also, whether they make mistakes when taking the test. The person not being honest is a problem that can’t be fixed, but they only cheat themselves. It is a great tool to learn what is important to you in a way that makes it very plain to you.

        The problem of making mistakes when taking the test can be fixed. I tell people to avoid the quiz for singles as it is to ambiguous in it’s attempt to be PC. Only use the Husbands and wives quizzes. And when you take them, you must look at both answers in each question and think to yourself that the one you choose you will get for life and the one you do not choose you will never get again.

        That fixes all problems outside of not being honest. For instance, our associate pastor is married and he took the quiz when I showed it to him. He was being vocal about his answers as he took it and I caught him when he was about to make a mistake. He said, “Well my wife gives me a lot of hugs, so I guess I would like for her to help me more with a project I am doing.” I let him know that this was not how to answer the question. I asked him, “If you could have her help, would you be willing to give up her hugs?”

        But I have seen this concept at work many many times. Think about this also. How many times do you see marriages where both people are unhappy, but both feel that they are the one making the effort to have a happy marriage? That was the case in my marriage. Or what about when one thinks everything is fine but the other person does not.

        If Quality Time is very high on your profile, maybe your primary love language or one that is very significant to you, when we go on a date, you will be highly impressed if I take out my cell phone and without making a big deal about it, just turn it off. If quality time is not one of your major love languages, you probably won’t even notice that I did it, and may in fact answer some texts that you receive, or if not answer them, at least read them.

        I have seen many many men with women that seemed perfect, but for these women, physical touch was their primary love language, or a close second. In public, at parties, etc… they were always hanging on the guy, holding his hand, touching him, etc… Later, i would see that they broke up. When I would ask, the only answer given was that she was too touchy feelie…always hanging on him, etc.. Now you might say, “Well of course, no man wants the woman constantly hanging on him.” To that I would say…WRONG. I have no problem with a woman doing that. I know other men who feel the same. But I can also imagine that many women went through a string of guys breaking up with them for that reason and so they modify their behavior. They aren’t happy doing it, they still feel the need, but they suppress it. The problem is, they just never ran into a guy who had physical touch very high on their profile.

        Another problem is that when we have been single for a while, or in a bad loveless relationship, when we meet somebody we are attracted to, we are like love language sponges. By that I mean, even those guys who didn’t like the girls hanging on them, were OK with it, and probably liked it in the beginning. But once the sponge is full, once we feel comfortable, and no longer craving love, we revert to what we are. Now the constant physical touch isn’t enjoyable and becomes irritating. If your love language profiles are in conflict, the relationship will end up feeling cold to both people. This is what happened with my ex-wife and I. For me, the obvious primary was physical touch, and I maxed that section out with a score of 12. Next, quality time and words of affirmation tied with 7 apiece. That leaves 4 points left. Acts of service got 3, and gifts got 1. Now, for my ex, Gifts and acts of service were neck and neck for her primary. Last on the list was physical touch. I can tell you that very shortly after the marriage, i realized I had made a mistake. The relationship felt cold. I instinctively knew that gifts were a big deal to her so I made more of an effort at it, but it wasn’t enough for her. And in fact, it bothered her that gifts did not mean as much to me. 8 years after it was given to me, a gift was put in the garage sale items. A gift from her. She was highly offended. I saw it as no big deal. You can’t keep everything…you get rid of what you aren’t using anymore. Things are things. Things don’t connect me with love. She could never understand that.

        Oh, but its the thought that counts, right? No. Think not? I suppose you won’t have a problem if your future husband only buys you kitchen items and house cleaning items, right? Yeah, on Valentines day, instead of chocolate and a slinky lingerie item, he buys you a broom, dustpan, and bread maker. I am sure you will say, “OH, it’s the thought that counts.” Well, the fact is, she could have saved her money and simply been more affectionate. Now that would have made me feel connected. An occasional gift on top of that would be OK, but that’s more icing on the cake.

        That’s how it is with the love languages. An ideal relationship has all of them, but for each person, some are going to be needs, and some will be wants. If the needs aren’t being met, the wants being met aren’t going to mean a thing.

        As to the Words of Affirmation…I wonder just how ignorant women are to how, for many men, her being outright disrespectful to him is just about as emotionally damaging as it is to her to find out he cheated on her. Want to make your man fall out of love with you? Disrespect him. Easy peasy.

        1. Victoria

          “It is in fact quite real”

          If you can point me to some evidence-based research findings to prove that there are in fact 5 love languages, I’d be happy to read it.  If those studies have merit, I’ll change my mind.  Otherwise, I’ll politely continue agree to disagree with anecdote-based proof.
           

        2. RustyLH

          This one doesn’t need mountains of studies. Besides, psychology is a fluid field. Ever wonder who somebody who is tested for being a sexual predator can never get a rating saying that they will never ever be offender…even if the person never will?

          You don’t have to agree, but it is real and I have seen it in action, in y very own marriage. It IS real, whether “experts” want to agree or not. Any problems with it are simply going to be errors in the self reporting style of the tests. The psychology is there though and if put to the test by psychologists observing people in action, they would conclude that it is real, but the self reporting test is spotty due to people not being honest, or not understanding how to answer the questions, such as our associate pastor.

          This is actually the case with the Myers-Briggs also. It isn’t that the science is wrong…it is that these types of tests rely on the person to answer correctly. Well, a girl may have been through several relationships where guys kicked her to the curb for being too clingy, so she avoids choosing physical touch options. That of course is the wrong thing to do.

          I have helped several women, who were not getting any action on dating websites, to get men. I’m no EMK, but it was so simple it’s not funny. The biggest problem is that people don’t have a clue what to write about themselves. Secondly, they go for being popular instead of targeting those who are right for them.

          See, long before I ever took that quiz, and long before I ever knew about the 5 love languages, I would key in on some women’s profiles, while others left me flat. On the other hand, some that left me flat, some of my friends would think were the cat’s meow. Why? Simple…there is some real science behind those love languages. Will it possibly be tweaked at some point in the future? Sure. but look, Jung is real and is being used by EHarmony. Everywhere that somebody is trying to use those personality type sciences, there is some fire behind the smoke. It sure beats the generic way that is proving to fail at a 60% rate where people just meet, find the person attractive, have some fun, think they have some things in common, and before long, they have too much invested in the relationship, and often they choose to ignore the very real cracks that are there.

          Now you can choose to disagree, but you are simply wrong. Everyone has the right to an opinion but not all opinions are correct. Well, there is very real evidence behind this. That term, “wet noodle” is there for a reason. Many men don’t like clingy women…and I have learned through the years that there are many women that don’t like clingy men. The idea then is for those “physical touch” men to find the “physical touch” women. They will be much happier in their relationship than if they end up with somebody who is not big on physical touch.

          Whether you like it or not, we all have different priorities in our personality. Some people are not the least bit bothered if a girl keeps checking her phone while on a date. IMHO there is only one reason to leave the phone on, and that is if she has small children at home with a babysitter. But have a special ring tone for that so that you don’t have to look at your phone every ten minutes. But like I said, some guys wouldn’t’ be bothered, some are very bothered.

          Some people are very touched by a gift and attach great meaning to it. Others don’t attach much if any meaning to it.

          Some need tons of physical affection, others could live quite happily if they rarely, if ever get touched by another person.

          Some people aren’t bothered by harsh words, or don’t really care if anyone says nice things to them. Others can be crushed by people’s worlds, or their spirits lifted by them. There’s a story in the news of a Freshman at the University of Wisconsin…a very very beautiful 19 year old girl, who did an amateur porn video, and of course it got out, which is to be expected, but people she knew were far more critical and harsh than she expected and so she just recently took her own life. Yet other people simply don’t care what others say. I think it is clear that this girl who took her own life is somebody who had words of affirmation very high in her profile. I watched the interview part of her video to see what it was about, and I definitely think that is the case because she responded to compliments very strongly. is that a weakness? Some might say so. But it is what it is.

          I can only say this. I have been asking a lot of my friends to take that test, for giggles, and I tell them how to take it. What I have learned is that if I apply what the results show about the person, and use it in how I interact with them, I am finding that our friendship becomes warmer.

          For instance, one guy had physical touch extremely low, so I never touch him. However, he has words of affirmation very high, so i go out of the way to give him a real and heartfelt compliment. Another guy has physical touch very high so I make it a point to give him a “bro hug.” This stuff works. Try it before you dismiss it simply because it doesn’t have some big shot endorsement.

        3. iridium_moon

          Victoria, I’m with you on this one.
           
          I’d never heard of the ‘Love Language’ thing so needed to look it up. I immediately came to the opinion that it’s made-up simplistic drivel from one man, with little basis in empirical fact.
           
          That RustyLH supports it with such vehemence leads me to suspect that he may have some commercial interest in its promulgation. Do you, Rusty?

        4. RustyLH

          Do I have a commercial interest? HAHAHA Hardly. What I have is a sad story to tell in that i lost 14 years of my life to a marriage that never should have been. Why did it last so long even though it was over shortly after being? Because we had a daughter. How did I learn of the 5 love languages? Our pastor passed out the book to everyone in the congregation. i was able to see clearly why our marriage never worked. We forced a square peg into a round hole. And the truth is, many people here would do the same thing. Face it, most people are here because they aren’t happy with their love lives. Either they aren’t getting enough attention from the opposite sex or they aren’t happy with the segment that is giving them attention. When one comes along that seems to be what you want in many ways, but you then realize something is a bit off, you may be reticent to drop the relationship, because this person seems to have most of what you want. But all things are not equal. While some things can be overlooked, because they aren’t important, even if you think they are. Others are important even if you think they aren’t.

          Had I understood the 5 love languages, I would have understood that I was making a major mistake. See, I saw the lack of physical affection. So before we got married, I talked about it with her. Now keep in mind that she was giving some affection, but not a lot, and in the new relationship/honeymoon phase you give more than what you tend to later…when the honeymoon is over.

          Anyway, I talked with her about it. I explained how you couldn’t get past my mom without her pulling you in for a hug, or tousling your hair, or touching you in some fashion. She told me that her home life growing up was much different. There was no loving affection. I think this is the case in many homes. The parents just aren’t physically affectionate types, and so the children grow up without much physical affection. Was that the cause of my wife’s dislike of physical affection? Maybe, and I definitely thought so at the time. My mistake was thinking that in time she would grow more comfortable with physical affection, and like any “normal” woman, she would learn to crave it. Well, the truth is, there is no such thing as a “normal” woman with regards to this. Just like men…some will love a lot of physical affection, and some will not.

          When you learn to just accept that there is something to the 5 love languages, it can open your eyes and help you understand how to act around the different people you know.

          And if you need further proof that I am not gaining anything from this…I don’t think you really need to read the book. You can simply take the free quiz, and do it in the manner I suggested. Then you can use that to build an online profile essay that actually speaks to those of the opposite sex that are right for you. It’s not rocket science.

          I told the women to be very honest about this aspect of who they are. Use what they learn in the quiz to tell who you are. If you like a lot of affection, say so. You are not trying to win a popularity contest. You are looking for somebody compatible. And here’s the thing…if I read your profile, and you don’t mention that you are affectionate…very affectionate, and like a lot in return, I will be more likely to bypass you. I perk up when reading profiles where the woman mentions that she is.

          If you are a quality time person…state this is some fashion. Like mention that you value quality time together where you give each other undivided attention, and find it sexy when a man turns off his cell phone so that he won’t be disturbed while on your date, and that you do the same for him. A man who values quality time very much will perk up when he sees that in her profile.

          This is how I helped some women. Totally free. Take the quiz, be honest, and then build a profile from what you learn. Suddenly you have a profile that speaks to those of the opposite sex with the qualities that you seek.

          Now, I personally think that EMK should incorporate something like this. i think it would be even more effective if done by him, melded with the other methods he uses.

        5. Kathy

          Rusty,  This is excellent information!! Thank you, it explains a lot to me about what is going on in my life.

      2. 13.1.2
        Henriette

        I asked that an ex ~ a dude with a PhD in chemistry ~ take the 5 Love Languages test and he pointed out that it had no scientific validity and that even the quiz was crappily-written.  I told him he was probably right but asked him to take it, anyway.  He complied and we had a few really good conversations based on our results.  
         
        I willingly conceded that there mightn’t be any kind of grand truth behind the theory of 5 Love Languages and he conceded that the results gave us useful information about each other that we hadn’t previously known.   Surely even un-scientific quizzes can have value if they allow partners to learn more about how to make each other happy?
         

        1. RustyLH

          i think that is the reality. It is a learning tool. I do not see it as some golden chalice…something that can’t be critiqued or improved upon. I am sure that in a way, it is like an “old world” map. You know…the ones that were made hundreds of years ago where the basic shape of the continents were there but not perfect. It is better than nothing but can be improved upon.

          I agree that the quiz questions could be better. I also think that it wouldn’t hurt to have a series of quizzes that you get every couple of months that are worded differently and seek to confirm personality traits in the test taker. I also think the system could take into consideration the opinions of those who know you.

          And finally, for really good results, a professional psychiatrist/ologist who can talk to you and suss out truths about your personality, and maybe even compile quiz results and surveys from friends and loved ones.

  13. 14
    Clare

    I know Evan says it’s not about looks, but I can’t help wondering whether Ashley has little or no confidence in her physical appearance which is making her lack confidence in general.

    My first suggestion would be that she find a stylish, attractive woman that she knows and asks her to help give her a makeover. I just find so often women lacking in confidence don’t know how to make the best of their looks. And this is not about being naturally beautiful. Just in knowing how to dress for your body type, how to apply make up, a good hairstyle etc… There is so much that women can do, especially nowadays. And this will make her feel better about HERSELF.

    Practicing dating many men casually is also a great way to gain confidence.  They don’t have to be guys you would marry or be in a relationship with, but just to practice what it’s like receiving from a man and not getting invested.

    Also, Ashley… GET SOME HOBBIES. No one is attracted to someone who has literally nothing else going on in their lives. Pick some activities that appeal to you, become knowledgeable about them, throw your energy at them… not only will it make you more interesting to men, it will also dissipate a lot of that desperate, obsessive energy.

    Don’t lose hope, girl. You just need a new game plan.

  14. 15
    Gabriella

    Thank you to all who replied to my comment. I do date multiple men at the same time and I agree that it does take away some of my excessive anxiety.
    Unfortunately, though, I have two problems with this strategy. First, I find it exhausting and time-consuming to date multiple men at the same time (I don’t have a lot of time to date to start with). Second, I find that when I date more men, my heart is not really in any of them which makes me less interested and therefore less likely to fall in love with them.
    Besides, I find it really hard and very much against my nature to deceive people, to string them along and to lie if/when they ask if I am seeing anyone else. I am a sincere and honest person by nature. 
    I have been feeling very conflicted about this, and actually considered going back to dating just one man at a time because even though it can be more painful I feel that I have a better chance at falling in love when I concentrate all my interest on only one person.
    I wonder if anyone else has the same feelings about dating multiple men at the same time.

    1. 15.1
      Kiki

      Gabriella,
      When I was younger, I felt the same way.  My problem was more in the area that I liked some of the qualities in one man, and other qualities in another, and never quite managed to meet  the one to completely sweep me off my feet. I dated several men at once, and I felt I was misleading them by not being 100% honest that they are missing some important ingredients that I need and see in some of my other dates. 
      From my own experience, and from my female friends, many women do this in the ages  18 to 28. This is the period to learn how men function and what is possible and what is not realistic for you as a partner.  Most of us find out in this period, that there is no Prince Charming, and that the very few men who seem to be very close to our fantasized ideal, actually do not like us back.
      Unless you already are at an age in which you would like to settle down, get married and have children (I pesonally see no reason to be getting married unless you plan to have children but this is just my opinion), you do not need to worry about being only with one man.  When you find the one, and you get married, it will be like, forever. No need to rush it.  
       
       

    2. 15.2
      tamara

      @Gabriella: But u don’t have to lie, indeed I think u shouldn’t. It’s unethical frankly. I tend to do that too–ie casually date more than one guy, when I have the time and energy to do so, which is rare–and I’m honest about it with guys. U have to tell them, and extend the same privilege to date different women to them. That’s only fair. Be someone with confidence and ethics; besides, guys seem to love that. :)
       
      As for it being exhausting, I’d usually date 2 guys, meet each one a max of once a week or once a fortnight, so that’s either 1 date a week or 2 dates a week. If you’re meeting each one twice a week, which I think is a lot, then sure that’d be exhausting, haha.

    3. 15.3
      Karmic Equation

      If man A wants to see you on Wed then man B calls and wants the same day, all you have to say is you have plans and offer him a different day that you’re free. You don’ t owe man B any explanations.

      And if you constantly have to tell one guy or the other that “you have plans” and they ask if you’re seeing others, you could simply say “Why do you ask?” or “Sure, aren’t you?”

      No need to overdramatize. It’s not a big deal if you don’t make it into one.

      1. 15.3.1
        Victoria

        Agreed, Karmic.   All that’s required is a “just the facts” answer if the guy asks.   No guy has an “exclusive distribution” right to a woman until he has shown himself to be a good match, AND has willingly and enthusiastically shown himself to be her boyfriend.  

        Gabriella, I think that the early days/weeks of dating ideally should be a low-stakes discovery phase.   If it is exhausting you, it may be that you need to dial back the frequency of seeing each guy, and instead block out more time to “date” yourself, to relax and enjoy non-dating stuff.  There’s no rush.   I think this approach would also help weed out the guys who ARE overly rushed to get to sex, etc., and will give you more time and breathing room to calmly and confidently evaluate each suitor.

  15. 16
    Iridium_moon

    1. But Gabriella, there’s absolutely no need to deceive anyone. Please, never lie. If a man asks if you’re seeing anyone else, I suggest you forget all the social conditioning and say “Yes”.
     
    If the man then gives you hassle, jealousy, excessively intimate questions and so on, drop him from your list: he’s an insecure fool who doesn’t respect you or the decisions you may wish to make, either now or in the future.
     
    Excessively-jealous men are boring children. No self-respecting woman should waste time with one.
     
    Tell him that you may be meeting other men, but you’re not meeting one now, are you? You’re with him.
     
    Then let him compete to prove that he really wants and deserves you as an exclusive life-partner. It’s an excellent (and fast) way to filter out the dross. You may find the effect is striking.
     
    2. As some women have stated, we need a full photograph of ‘Ashley’ in order to tailor our advice. Everyone was of course thinking the same, but I, as a gentleman, could not possible have asked first! :)

  16. 17
    Mickey

    I can relate. The love boat left the dock years ago.

  17. 18
    Cat5

    What exactly does CEO energy mean?  What is CEO energy versus masculine energy or being the guy (which Evan previously told Ashley to stop doing)? 

  18. 19
    Victoria

    Great post, Evan.    As a 50-something woman, I wish I could convince some of my woman friends to read and absorb and take to heart your CEO-vs.-intern mentality.   I hear so much moaning and hand-wringing and scarcity-mentality when it comes to men…and my women friends are so attached and invested in believing that myth, and have resigned themselves to being grateful for whatever tiny scraps men throw them.  It is truly sad.

    I’m not kidding myself that women of my age don’t face certain challenges in the dating arena, but you’d think from all the woe-is-me kvetching that there are simply no options (and I’m talking about Los Angeles, which statistically is a GREAT city for single women!).

    Keep tellin’ it like it is, Evan.  I hope someday more of my peers will open their ears and minds to what you are saying. 

  19. 20
    RustyLH

    this is something I saw a women give as advice to other women. I saw real value in it so I copied it and put it in a word document and saved to my computer.

    “Soft touches, and appealing to his senses with things like, soft loving words, music and candles can INSPIRE a man to become more affectionate with you. Just don’t make the mistake of falling back into talking about the relationship, why you’re worried, and what he’s doing “wrong.” All that’s going to do is just push him deeper down into himself where he’ll start to doubt your future together.

    By being more of a feminine presence around him with more sensual touch soothing words and love you’ll make him feel MORE masculine, and more of a “man.” This in turn also inspires him to be more nurturing and loving toward you.

    Talking, complaining, criticizing or nagging does NOT inspire a man to give genuine affection. It only makes him feel INEFFECTIVE and unappreciated for the things he believes he needs to do in order to be a good “provider” for you. “

    1. 20.1
      NASHWC

      Rusty, you have really hit on something that allot of people have lost focus on: the Feminine attracts the Masculine, and vice versa. Women generally aren’t attracted to ‘wimpy’ guys, and men generally don’t want women who act like guys.

  20. 21
    Tracy

    I don’t get it though. To me, being confident=being arrogant. I know I’m not the sexiest/cutest/smartest girl in the world. I’m not perfect, so why act like it?? That’s just stupid and it doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I hate arrogance, and men who are arrogant completely turn me off. Why would anyone want to be this way? Lol, I really need help in the confidence department if y’all couldn’t tell… 

    1. 21.1
      Malcolm

      I’m guessing that if you were to get the opinion of people here . . . most would say that you yourself seem reasonably confident in what you think . . .  and that you’re not arrogant about it at all. 
      So confidence/arrogance are apparently not the same thing . . . and don’t necessarily have anything to do with being sexy/cute/smart in any case.
      Does that help (?)

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