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Missed the first video in this series? Watch the video, “Comparison is the enemy of contentment,” here.
Welcome back to my video series. Last week I did something on comparison being enemy of contentment, looking at other people’s lives with envy, making ourselves less happy, sapping our own confidence because we’re unfairly comparing ourselves to others, which of course is not real. We don’t necessarily envy people’s reality, we envy the fantasy of what we think other people have.Today, I want to talk about confidence. This is a great dovetail. I want to acknowledge before we get into the whole thing that confidence is the most important quality that a man or a woman could have in a relationship. Confidence. It’s the big umbrella under which we’re doing everything here.I also want to acknowledge that confidence is sometimes hard to come by. Sounds great to say well, I’m just going to snap my fingers and switch the button on the back of my head and then I’m going to have confidence. It sounds great for me to say confidence 400 times in a video and to think that you’re going to magically have confidence.
Confidence is hard to come by because we don’t have success in our love lives. We have confidence in who we are as people. We think we’re nice and kind. We think we’re smart. We think we’re loyal. We’re good friends, we’re good family members. We’re confident at work. We derive our confidence from those things, but when it comes to love our confidence takes a bit of hit.
The good news about conifidence is that it’s not that far away. You can achieve this. It’s like your nose is pressed up against the glass and right on the other side you could see confidence. That’s how easy it is to have.
It’s also somewhat of an arbitrary thing. I could use, for example, guys with money. Think of a guy with money who does well with women. Why does he do well with women? The easy answer, the lazy answer would be to say “Well, he does well with women because he’s got money. Women are gold diggers and they like guys with money.”
I don’t think that’s the full story. In fact, I think women are confidence diggers. I think they like the guy who’s confident and the guy who’s confident derives his confidence, fairly or unfairly, from the fact that he has money. He achieves a measure of success. He carries himself in such a way that he assumes that people are going to like him and sure enough, people gravitate towards him. That’s why you see average guys with really beautiful women. It’s not just about the money, it’s about how he carries himself because he has money.
Let’s flip that thing around. Let’s look at it through a different lens and say, “What kind of confidence do men respond to?” because we do respond to confidence. It’s not going to be the confidence that you derive out of being a Harvard MBA. It’s not the kind of confidence that you derive from being wildly independent, or flying around the world for 30 weeks a year.
Men respond to your emotional intelligence. That’s the thing that we value the most. Do you like yourself enough to be a great girlfriend, a loving girlfriend, an attentive girlfriend. Do you have boundaries so that you’re not just a doormat and you’re putting up with bad behavior?
That’s one of the things that get sticky. Listen, I’m a dating coach for women, I see the most amazing women, the most impressive women in the world give up all their confidence and their self-esteem because they’re attracted to some guy. That’s unnecessary, it doesn’t work, guys don’t respect it and you’re not even happy when you carry yourself with low confidence.
I want you to have a new paradigm to view yourself and this is the one I’m going to give you today. It’s the thing that worked for me for 10 years when I was dating. I’m embarrassed to tell this but it never occurred to me that someone wasn’t going to like me. I know that’s embarrassing, but it’s true. It never occurred to me that I was going to go on a date and she’d be like, “I’m not interested in you.” I always assumed that the answer is yes. I assumed that the woman across the table did like me, was going to want to see me and all I had to determine was whether I want to see her again.
Whether that’s delusional or not, what it did was carry me for 10 years of ups and downs of online dating where I never really internalized rejection. Because I like myself, most of the people did like me and did want to see me again. That’s what I want to offer to you.
Assume the answer is yes. Assume that every single guy is attracted to you, wants to sleep with you, wants to commit to you and that it’s completely in your control what happens next. You decide whether you want to go out. You decide how far you go on a date. You decide if it’s been too long before he steps up to the plate to commit to be your boyfriend. You decide if you don’t like the way you’re being treated within the context of the relationship.
This is what I talk about being CEO of your own love life. These guys are the interns and you’re the boss. This is emotional intelligence. This is having boundaries. This is having true confidence. Not putting up with behavior that you don’t like. That’s what guys we’re attracted to and it works like a charm. I know it sounds weak because there is a little bit of fake it until you make it. How do you act that way? Sometimes you just start acting that way and you watch and reality gives you more confidence.
I want to tell you this one story, it’s a little bit off track but I think it’s relevant. I think you’re going to get a kick out of it. This is 10, 15 years ago or something like that. I was a single guy, I was at a party and I saw a woman that I recognized. An acquaintance, a friend of a friend who is 10 yards away. She was too far away for me to call her name so I just went like this, beckoning with my finger, “Come here.” She looked at me and she’s like “Me?” I said, “Yeah. Come here.” So she comes over and the second she gets in front of me I looked at her and she looks at me and I realized she has no idea who I am. I totally recognized her, she had no idea who I am.
I said, “Hi. I’m Evan. I’m friends with Jeff. Do you remember me?” “Oh yeah. Hi, Evan. It’s good to see you again.” I said, “Let me ask you a question. Is that how easy to get a girl to come over to you? All you have to do is that?” She goes, “Evidently, it is.”
I love that story because it really shows that she thought I was confident. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have necessarily approached her, but just by beckoning with my finger because I thought I knew her, she assumed that I was confident. She responded to my confidence and she came over because I emanated that. It was the confidence of someone who was clueless.
There’s something to this idea of carrying yourself as if the answer is always yes, as if whoever you do that to is going to like you and there’s no consequences to it. The worst thing that happens if someone doesn’t respond to you, it’s their loss. Once you believe it’s their loss you don’t have to feel so bad about yourself when it comes to this dating process, which is fraught with danger. “Danger” meaning: it’s unpredictable. You never know where someone is in his life.
I’d like you guys to try on the idea of confidence. Just put it on like a sweater for the next week and carry yourself as if you assume the answer is yes. Assume that everybody likes you, everybody’s attracted to you, everyone wants you and see how people respond to you.
I’d love to hear your stories. Share your comments below. Share this video with your friends and next week, I’m going to give you a video that puts this all together, that shows you a step-by-step process on how to find love proactively instead of waiting for it to happen to you. I’m really excited to give it to you. I look forward to talking to you again.
I also always assume they will like me. Have a lot of confidence. I do as suggested. Wait for invitancions, only reply text, let the man treat me, enjoy the date. I’m a very happy person. Man find me attractive. But that’s all they like; my… booty…. 🙁 grts from Belgium
Can I just have a big LIKE button please?? Really appreciated your real life experiences that highlighted the point: It’s ok to be the CEO of your own experiences 🙂
I act & think I am confident- it gets me a first date, but not a second or they dissappear shortly after…. I start to wonder if I am confident, so why do they leave? It is even a bigger dissappointment when I am confident someone will stick around -and then they leave!
I can relate. I recently went on a few online dates were I felt confident and was being open and friendly. I thought things were going well and the guy would want to see me again and then I never heard from him. This has happened a few time and it makes me lose confidence thinking it might happened again.
Ive been divorced since 2010 and my experiences have been varied but mainly that men I have met are out to sow their wild oats and want to get laid over wanting to establish trust etc in a relationship first. Needless to say they get the flick from me as Im not interested in sowing my wild oats but I am interested in wanting to get to know someone. I am nearly 49 although people tell me I pass for late 30’s as I keep myself fit, I am active, have an amazing career, property etc….and feel confident that “I am a catch” as they say lol…but good, decent and nice men out there in my age group arent interested or they only want the girl who really is in her 30’s, not someone who looks like it (with online dating they must instantly look at the age and say nah despite my picture being recent and Ive been told its a lovely photo of me. )…Is it because there are more women available for men to date and therefore choose from, then for women? I live in Australia.
I’ve always been pretty confident, but at times I feel it back fires on me. I’m 5’10”, lean, attractive and stylish (I like fashion). I’m comfortable in my own skin, plus I’m 51 (have experience under my belt). When you have these physical attributes, people sometimes find me intimidating, especially men. What to do? I’m am who I am….
Try to be “girl-next-door” stylish instead of “vogue” stylish. If you’re as attractive as you paint yourself to be, your “stylishness” probably comes across as “high-maintenance”, maybe even snobby, and as a reach, “could be crazy”, which probably what turns men off you rather than that you are “intimidating”.
Wear jeans and t-shirts more. They can be high-end jeans and t-shirts – flowy flowery print sundresses instead of tailored ones 🙂 “Sex and the City” stylish only works on TV, NY, and LA for attracting guys. Other places in the USA, girl-next-door style is much more approachable. And make sure when you smile, your smile reaches your eyes and is genuine (not saying you don’t do this already, but rather make an effort to ENSURE you do this).
When I’m deep in thought out and about by myself, I try to think happy thoughts so that I’m unconsciously smiling; instead of thinking the deep thoughts that make me frown. Work on your vibe. Think happy, lighthearted, happy. Smile at your own thoughts. You’ll be happier and you’ll radiate the kind of energy men love to be a part of.
Thanks Karmic. I would consider myself a girl next door, I can clean up, but I’m a tom boy at heart. Play softball, golf, love sports, get dirty working in the yard, not afraid to mess my hair, and I do wear jeans and more casual cloths. I don’t wear tailored cloths, they’re boring. Honestly, I think it’s a combination of both my height and my appearance. And, I love to smile! Do it a lot 🙂
Sunflower,
I am also 5.10, lean and fit, and I live in southern Europe, so I am considered too tall for a woman. I have a high powered job and I dress conservative stylish as it is customary for my field. But I am also a huge flirt, and I act around men as if I adore them. They act as if they adore me back :-). May be neither of us are faking it, you can never be too sure. The downside of this – I get less love by the women around me, but it would be too hard to please everybody :-).
I’m a shorty at 5′ (actually a tad less than 5′, but who’s counting?) — I have trouble understanding how a tall woman can be intimidating… simply because I don’t find tall men intimidating. I’ve had dates with 6’6 and 6’5″ men as well as dates with 5’3 and 5’7″ men. I’ve become more equal-opportunity about height (wasn’t always the case).
I think men love tall, tom-boyish women. “Statuesque” is what they would call them, not “intimidating”. If you’re saying your looks are 9/10 plus you’re tall, again, I don’t think they’re intimidated by your looks or height, but perhaps assume that you’re taken. How could you not be, right?
If it’s the latter, then you’ll need to be extroverted and flirty so that they realize you’re NOT taken.
And if you tell me that you ARE extroverted and flirty, and yet men are STILL not interested, then your self-assessment is incomplete. Something about you is turning men off. I’m not trying to bring you down, I’m just pointing out something most women don’t like admitting to. Just as we downplay the negatives in the men we’re interested in, we also downplay the negatives in OURSELVES whenever we take that long hard look in the mirror. We don’t really look that hard. We stop at the nice words when we critique ourselves…”We’re intimidating”; “we’re picky”; “we’re independent”… instead of realizing that those words stop us from improving ourselves.
We’ll “why” ourselves to death about why a guy did this or did that or didn’t do this or didn’t do that. But we NEVER why ourselves to death over the perceptions of our own qualities that can be viewed in the negative light by the opposite sex.
“Why am I intimidating?” You stop at your looks and height, both which are out of your control. Nothing to fix there right?
“Why am I picky?” Pickiness = discerning and having boundaries. Again. Nothing to fix there.
“Why am I independent?” Independent means I’m not looking to be taken care of. So nothing to fix there.
Not saying you are any of the following but
…”intimidating” could be your (generic) disapproving attitude…your moralizing…over-religious-ness…your three huge slobbery English Mastiffs…etc.
…Pickiness could mean you seem difficult to please; maybe it comes off as bitchy or high-maintenance
…independence could mean not only do you give off vibes that you don’t “need” a man, but you don’t even want one; or that your independence creates a wall that prevents you from being able to connect with a man; or that you THINK you’re independent, but you don’t realize certain actions are the complete opposite.
When you analyze yourself, be BRUTAL; ask men (non-relatives, straight, and whom you know aren’t looking to get in your pants) and don’t get mad or defensive when they tell you the truth. Don’t ask your girlfriends or female relatives. They’re going to validate you instead.
Because once you get to the brutal reality, you’ll know keeping men around is totally WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.
The downside of that is that you have to acknowledge your responsibility in your own dating successes or failure from that moment onwards.
Most women don’t want to acknowledge that responsibility. I think that’s the cause of most women’s failures in finding and maintaining relationships. Not lack of beauty nor getting too old or too fat.
Again, I’m really NOT trying to bring you down. Just giving you a way to improve your dating life. It starts with REALLY and TRULY knowing yourself and seeing yourself as others see you, not the way you see yourself.
Dear Sunflower,
I am in the same boat! I am attractive and stylish. Sometimes women have a crash on me, before men. I feel men are intimidated. I see them ” dancing” around me. I am confident. I know how to make any man happy. I just want him to be my man. I would say keep your style and embrace it, this is you. You are who you are. However, talk about baseball, football, or any sport. Signal kindness and tenderness. Let’s see if it works.
I am learning and trying myself. By the way, I am not sure if my confidence lost the guy that I liked. We are not officially in a relationship, we were both dancing around it, he said something to me out of jealousy and I reacted to it with confidence. We have not talked since. We will see.
What you wrote sounds good, I assume your height might play a role cause the average height for a female in the states is 5’4 to 5’7 for males is 5’8 and threw the studies i read most males go’s after females who are shorter then them plus if you are highly independent and somewhat on the dominated side then might be a factor to.
My 2 cents. Coming from a NJM (Nice Jewish Man) I am newly dating who at 40 never been married and self-proclaimed picky dater.
NJM said I am genuinely happy, fun, spontaneous, adventurous and easy-going. I wear clothes that reflect my mood. My outfit ranges from whimsy, tailored, sporty, adrogynous to biker chick. I show my strengths without being overbearing and not afraid to show my weakness. And albeit, we are not sleeping together (I want to wait) I am very affectionate. NJM concluded by saying I make him feel like a million bucks! N.
Wow Evan, you’re gorgeous, no wonder you’re confident. Perfect skin, great teeth, amazing eyes, and all. 🙂
Yeah confidence is super-helpful for dating. Despite all my character flaws–which I now try to work on–my high confidence has always helped get me the guys I wanted, and many that I didn’t. So i know a woman who increases her confidence will make herself soo much more attractive to guys…I wish I could become more extroverted though, maybe I need therapy on that instead. Because there are some of us who have all the assets to date successfully, and yet lack the energy to continue doing so. Extroverts make more money too, on average. They’re greatly advantaged in life! But I digress… 🙁
I think a problem with us ladies being confident though, is, I worry how much of that is based on my looks, which may slowly fade. There are ladies who are lucky enough to look better as they get older, but to be blunt, I think very pretty women usually go downhill a little after a certain age–because the starting point was so high. But I really do feel women can still be v attractive at all ages. Nonetheless, i try to develop my character and intellect to help sustain my confidence for many many yrs to come.
Evan,
Thank you for this perfect little video. It’s just what I needed. : )
I agree with most of what you say in this video, Evan. As an example of doing it wrong: a bright, attractive girlfriend of mine gets so nervous about whether or not a date will like her, that she always works herself into a frenzy hoping to win his approval and is filled with relief if he does. So, instead of spending her early dates evaluating whether or not a man is of fine character and could be a good match for her, she’s trying to impress. As you may imagine, this rarely leads to healthy relationships with quality guys.
That said (written), I disagree with this entry’s title; maybe your intern wrote it? Being truly confident is appealing but will NOT make the most attractive guy fall for us, every time. There is no magic pill that will make every “10” guy fall for a “2” woman, no matter her CEO Energy. Of course this title is hyperbole but you “give it to us straight” so well, Evan, that you don’t need overstatement to make your (valid) point.
By the way – your current hair cut/style is adorable! 🙂
You’re right, Henriette – I’m not prone to overstatement, and yes, my web team wrote the title. 🙂
… and yes, your hair is fabulous! 😉
You know, I actually thought Evan looked better with his previous short hair. Fortunately, we are hardly each others’ target demographic. 🙂
I have been thinking about this post after I posted an earlier entry before…..Evan you often tell women to “let the man” do the chasing, the calling and asking you out on dates and we are suppose to respond with enthusiasm (if you like them that is)…and yes I agree and yes that has worked even when I was in a relationship (ie positive reinforcement). But now that Im single again…and see myself as a confident woman who is available to date now…how do I show that to men whilst “waiting” for them to make the first move? I do the eye contact thing, or smile and turn my body in his direction to show I am interested, but no one approaches me out in real life. They do if my girlfriends and I are out listening to a band, but theses men are usually hammered, or married or questionable….lol…I would love to meet a man in real life and although Im involved in a lot of sporting activities, (horse riding competitions, Zumba) and I keep myself fit, the only way Im seeing to meet men is via online dating or at a bar?? Am I doing things wrong? Should I be approaching men I see who could be a possibility and talking to them just like you say you did when you waved to the girl calling her over to you and to your surprise, you found that she came over. Im just not getting the waves, or being approached. I think like one person said people may think Im already taken so therefore I wear NO RINGS or jewelry at all as a result. I think the (good) men in Australia are just too shy perhaps?
Dear Anthea,
If you would allow me to share my observations about dating, based on my single/divorced female friends experince in your age group in Europe .
I would say 80-90% of eligible dates for these women are generated online, with men they meet on dating sites, facebook etc. Real life generates very little potential dates, as men in this age group have a very strong preference to avoid rejection and would not hit on women the way younger men would.
So I would say, do not underestimate the potential of online dating. It removes the question as to whether you and the man in question are available for dating, so you can wear your jewerlry all you like :-).
That makes sense Kiki and I do see the opportunities online dating can open up….but how did the “older generation manage meeting another partner post divorce then without the availability of online dating. I have used online before and by all means it can be successful with the right guy (if you find him that is), but at this stage I was hoping to avoid having to shift through the many incompatible strangers (its a numbers game) and thought this time my approach would be more organic…but alas you are right. Guys in my age group avoid “rejection” !! Even when I have inboxed a guy on FB who I knew was single, he told me he was busy and so I said no problems, feel free to contact me when you are free and gave him my number….but nothing….BUT he always “likes” my FB photos etc. Sooo strange and I refuse to contact him again. Im not desperate. Ball is in his court as they say and he has my number. ** sigh** I may have to go online again….Im not looking forward to it to be honest.
I am recommending the book The Science of Happy Ever After by Ty Tashiro to you. It will give some statistics to add to your rational, logical, cut to the chase way of talkin’ bout love.
It really nails some of our false thinking.
I love this video!! I totally resonate with what Evan says about confidence. I have always felt confident about meeting men on dates – i was always so enthusiastic to see where it could go to that i didnt ever feel worried or nervous about meeting a man for the first time. True to form, i always got asked out a second time.
Love this! What more can one say? 🙂 Thank you!
That story Evan shared was a little deja vu of a party 15-20 years ago. Except when I went over to the guy who had made that little wiggle with his finger, he said, “so is that all it takes to make you come?” Said in a manner that walking over to him, is not what he meant when he said “come.” It’s an old party joke/pick-up line from about 20 (50) years ago. Not that that isn’t what Evan said or meant in his story … but I’m just saying that men typically use that move to gain the upper hand, sotospeak. I used to laugh it off, but now tend to walk away from that. That’s emotional intelligence.
Other than that story – which gave me flashbacks of humiliation and stupid drunk jokes – it was a good video.
I’m still hung up on the title of this post. Women like me tend to feel like we’ve done something wrong if a man rejects us. Titles like this support the idea that that fellow would have fallen for us If Only we’d played our cards, better. Tsk, tsk. What most of us actually need is help accepting that rejection is usually not personal and that we need to “keep on moving.”
@ Henriette – I think that rejection is a very strong and negative word. Maybe if we just think of it as a “no” that gets us one closer to the “yes” (similar to job hunting) it would be easier. I think if we don’t stop trying we are winning. Moving forward is right.
It takes two. Two to be attracted, two to communicate, two to take responsibility and build a relationship. There are no one-size-fits-all answers because we are human and we are not all made the same. There is nothing I could ever do to interest “the most attractive man” because I don’t agree with the generally accepted man that is (whether its Brad Pitt, George Clooney or whoever is hot this year). So yes I can attract the man that I find attractive. But maybe not the one that other people think is the most attractive. I find someone attractive by how they treat me, the values they hold and how they live their life. I am most attractive and confident when I am genuinely me, not trying to live by a script.