The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor surrounding http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/dont-judge-a-book-by-its-cover-the-truth-about-marry-him-the-case-for-settling-for-mr-good-enough-by-lori-gottlieb/ proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7’s in looks and 9’s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9’s in looks, but 5’s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9’s and 10’s who are in their late 20’s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9’s and 10’s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6’s and 7’s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7’s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7’s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9’s and 10’s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7’s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of my Inner Circle AND a Passion Course member.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Christie Hartman

    Evan, dude, you really hit the nail on the head with this one, for both the women and the men. In my latest book I discuss the difference between being PICKY (focusing on looks, height, status, and other stuff that won’t make you happy) and being DISCRIMINATING (focusing on values, general attractiveness, and how a person treats you and makes you FEEL). If you want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, be less picky and more discriminating. You can’t find love if you’re dating with your ego!

  2. 62
    Queenie

    I don’t think that what he’s saying is ‘settling’. I think that we have our nose stuck so far up in the clouds for the “Mr. Perfect” that we are setting ourselves up for automatic relationship failure, because this doesn’t exist. Most of us have a mental list that we go down when we first meet someone. “Oh, he’s wearing a pair of those shoes I hate”. We sometimes seem to focus on silly things before we even give the person a chance.

    I don’t think it’s about ‘like the people who like you’, it’s more less of ‘give the people who like you a chance’. I mean, we have our ‘deal breakers’ and we have our “Deal Breakers”. We really need to possibly narrow down the list because honestly, the older I get…the more items that go on the list and well, I’m destined to be single forever.

    I do believe that there is someone out there for me but most of us have a perfect image in our mind and when another person doesn’t meet that match, we discard and go onto the next. I think it’s just about bending a little, overlooking minor issues and paying attention to the bigger.

  3. 63
    Selena

    Re:#59
    Sayanta,
    I’ve opted out of the 20 faults exercise also because I’m trying to work on building my self-esteem up not down. :)

    I’m not where I’d like to be either personally, or financially thanks to some disasterous decisions a few years back, so I keep telling myself “Work in progress” “Work in progress”.

    I’ve found I can relate to some of the points on the lists shared so far though, that I wouldn’t have considered before.

  4. 64
    Diana

    To Sayanta, I am certain that you are much more valuable than your job. :) While it’s totally understandable that you view yourself so much based on your profession, I hope you realize that your true self-worth and beauty are not defined by your job.
     
    Your comments reminded me of someone I know quite well. One day, she began to list off all of her self-perceived negative traits about herself, and what could she possibly offer a man. I found her philosophy to be so self-defeating and terribly sad to hear. For a brief moment, I walked away thinking, “Hey, is she right!? What do I have to offer a man?”  While we shouldn’t walk around thinking we’re all that and a bag of chips, we can sometimes be our own worst critic, too.
     
    When I wrote my list, I didn’t think of it as faults ~ merely what I thought might cause a man not to want to date me. They are only differences that someone can choose to accept or not.

  5. 65
    Karl R

    sayanta said: (#59)
    “But the other question is- what does that mean I’m worth, regarding men?”

    I’ve been there. Of the last 20 years, I’ve spent 7 of them as a temp, contract or unemployed (primarily a temp). It makes dating more difficult. It does not make it impossible.

    Living with your parents makes dating a lot more awkward. I casually dated a woman a few years ago who lived with her parents and it was … strange. I made several financial sacrifices in other areas to ensure I could keep my own place. (No car being the biggest.)

    sayanta said: (#59)
    “I mean…I understand what EMK is saying, but really thinking about your faults a lot can eventually make you think you’re worth nothing (or no one).”

    Let me flip it around. A year or two ago, you had a substantial list of “must haves”. I believe you’ve improved in that regard. But it’s still probably where you have the greatest opportunity to change your dating fortunes.

    There are no shortage of men on Match.com who are being treated like they’re worth nothing. Maybe it’s because he’s 5’5″. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have a college degree. Maybe it’s because he’s prematurely bald.

    There are plenty of men who get consistently overlooked by women. You might want to give them a chance. Maybe one of them will extend the same courtesy to you.

  6. 66
    sayanta

    Selena-

    thanks for the response- it’s good to know someone understands where I’m coming from. But, taking it back to dating- how do you reconcile your personal situation with what you ‘deserve’ in a partner? If I say, “I’m not worthy of anyone who’s educated, kind, and around my age, and reasonably attractive” because I’m not financially stable, I don’t end up feeling better! And if I go into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those above qualities, I’ll end up bitter, because that’s not whom I wanted to be with. I don’t know if I’m making sense- I kinda feel like I’m going in emotional circles here. :-D

  7. 67
    Selena

    Sayanta,
    I don’t think in terms like ‘deserve’. This is what I mean when I say there is only one criteria you need in evaluating a potential partner: Do I feel good being with him?

    It eliminates all the lists. It automatically includes all dealbreakers without having to even think much about them. Here’s how:

    You are not going to feel good being with a guy who’s snipey, or cold, or mean. (Disrespectful)

    You’re not going to feel good being with a guy you can’t trust – the players, the cheaters, the only-into-you-for-sex guy.

    You’re not going to feel good with the guy you don’t know where you stand with – the one who won’t call you his girlfriend, the one who you spend hours analyzing in your head, the one who chooses to stay married for health insurance (or any other reason)

    You feel good with the guy who makes you laugh (sense of humor)

    You feel good with the guy you can talk to about things that interest you (intelligence)

    You feel good with the guy who understands everybody goes through setbacks and difficult times (compassionate, kind)

    Try not to approach dating in terms of want/don’t want, deserve/don’t deserve. Try instead to approach it the way you do meeting new people without any romantic intentions. What do you do when you meet new acquaintances? Friends of friends? I bet you don’t evaluate them on lists of criteria you carry around in your head do you? More likely, you get involved in conversations about this and that and later on you think, “I really liked ______.”   Or “That _____sure had some attitude.”  But in either case it’s after the fact. At the time, you just got to know them a little bit without having any expectations – any criteria of how they should be as potential friends, or acquaintances.   Do you see? You didn’t go in to meeting these people with the idea, “I’m going to be bitter if this person isn’t educated, reasonably attractive, kind, and around my age!” LOL.

    Are you doing anything to meet new people besides Match? If you’re in a slump, you might try just getting out with friends, or on your own to just meet new people, both genders for fun -no expectations. Flirt, make jokes, complain about the economy – make complaining jokes about the economy! The idea is just to get comfortable being yourself around anyone, without feeling you have to conform to some imaginary standards, or hold anyone else to them.  What do you think?

  8. 68
    sayanta

    #63, Diana-

    Oh, thanks- that was really sweet. I especially like your last line- that’s a good way to re-word it in my head. I know that I’m not defined by my job (or lack of)- I just get questions from men about what I do, where I work, etc. etc, and it just gets disheartening…

    The living with family issue- I think, imho, it’s less of a problem when you’re dating men from traditional cultures, or from places where living with parents is part of the culture (think Italy).

    So, I’m trying to focus on men from those traditional cultures, but that also raises the whole “conservatism” issue- and a conservative I am not. lol

    Karl, as to the ‘improved’ comment. Why, thank you. ;-) I’m not going to say there still aren’t things that I can’t get past (5’5…I don’t know…that’s really pushing it, since I’m 5’7 and always in heels)- but I’m trying…there’s a fine line though- I could be getting rid of so many ‘requirements’ that I’m not even physically attracted to the dude anymore. And that’s just a recipe for disaster.

  9. 69
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Selena: I think my readers are getting a little too wise for my liking. What am I going to write if you give all this amazing advice when I’m not around? It’s like this blog can run itself without me… :)

  10. 70
    Selena

    Nah. We will always need our fearless leader. And it’s because of you and this blog that I’m hopefully able to give better advice (and take it myself!) than I could 3 years ago. ;)

  11. 71
    Jane

    to Ruby #44
    In theory, a kind compassionate person should be equally kind and compassionate across the board , but unfortunately, that’s not the way it works in real life.  If a man thinks you’re a hot catch, he will always treat you well. If he thinks he can do better…. perhaps he’ll be less kind .
    You can’t separate people into “good guys” and jerks. The line between good and evil cuts through all of us.  Come on ladies, lets’ be honest: have you ever been with a guy who you though was below your average and then didn’t treat him too well? Probably forgot about it quite quickly, didn’t you? How about that handsome successful guy who was a bit of a jerk? You were hurt and still sting a bit when thinking about it.
    Sorry to keep reiterating the underlying theme of Evan’s blog: Ladies, you gotta realize that those guys who you think are a bit “less” than you are actually your equals, because the cold harsh reality is that your value continues to decline as you age…..so that in a few years time.. those same duds you are rejecting, will in fact be a better catch than you ever will be.  The sugar coated version is that one should focus on a person’s “kindness” as the main criterion for mate selection.  That person should be kind enough to forgive your depreciating value….
    Hey, Evan gets paid the big bucks to tell women this everyday ( but of course, in a nicer way).

  12. 72
    Kelli

    I agree with the Goldie supporters here.  I’m 29 and I feel I’ve settled always. I’ve always gone for the ‘underdog’ for these very same reasons.  I would consider myself a 7.  A 9 maybe when I try,  lol.  I’m successful, educated, and smart.  My mother told me this year she thinks my problem is I date below my pedigree.  Of course someone who is a 5 would worship the ground a 7 walks on, especially if these scores are based merely on looks and the guy is the 5 and the woman the 7 .  I see women settle unhappily all the time. It seems to be the REASON for their unhappiness.  Its a no-brainer to go for a man that’s average-looking, that’s not necessarily settling for women. But it is when he’s also stingy with and mismanages his money, has addictions, or just doesn’t take care of himself or share your values.  Where do you draw the line?  Furthermore I feel if there’s an argument for a person finding happiness by making themselves love someone that loves them, who they may ordinarily not consider, than there is an argument that one can just as successfully hold out for the person of their dreams.  For each couple where one person settles, there is also lofty dreamer there who has struck gold in attaining their ideal mate!

  13. 73
    Kelli

    @Jane, the value of a women depreciates with age only when she does not come from good stock.

  14. 74
    A-L

    Sayanta,
     
    You’re in luck.  Fortunately for you, a large number of men don’t expect the women to be the provider.  They don’t mind if they earn more than the woman in their life.  And as countless posts have mentioned, most guys aren’t super interested in girls who are tremendously career focused (to the detriment of other areas of their life).  So long as the man feels good when he’s hanging out with you, that’s all that needs to happen.
     
    The top reason this might be affecting your dating life is because it’s effecting your confidence.  It doesn’t matter to most guys how you’re using your degree, or if you’re doing contract work rather than a regular full-time employee.   But you feel badly about it, and so you put that out there in the dating field.  And that’s not attractive.  Instead, put a positive spin on it.  You’re working.  You’re probably saving more money (even if you’re parents are charging you something, it’s probably nothing like NYC or Philly rents).  And you place a lot of importance on family.  If the living-with-parents things really comes up as an issue, maybe see about finding a roommate for a small apartment.
     
    I first started online dating when I was not working.  I’d had some serious health issues due to my job and I was not working for a couple of months.  There were kind, funny, intelligent, and financially secure guys interested in me.  So it definitely can happen.  Keep your spirits up!
     
    (And Selena, your #67 rocked.)

  15. 75
    sayanta

    Selena-

    Wow. I’ve got to re-read that. I think what you’re saying is…just chill. LOL LOL Seriously though- that was a very insightful post. yeah, what is it about dealing with the opposite sex that just drives us bonkers? Lol

    As for Match- this whole ‘man’ issue follows me everywhere- because my self-esteem has taken such a beating over my situation, I find myself unable to be really relaxed around people in general in social settings- the result being that I’m probably coming across as uptight and kind of freaky. :-D But you know…they say that problems are soul lessons in disguise. I guess I just got to figure out what those lessons are.

    EMK- 69-

    You’ve said similar things before- this isn’t something you’re seriously worried about, is it? ;-p

  16. 76
    Anette

    @42.

    You know what I don’t get about this, is how you can marry and love some-one and lose your attraction for them? Do you think it was looks?

    I’ve dated men who were gorgeous, really, really handsome. And then there were men I really, really thought were amazing, one of them was so unattractive when I first met him, I actually felt sorry for him. I thought, he’s never going to get a girl.

    Then, I end up going nuts over him(once I got to know him) and couldn’t believe that I’d found him so unattractive.

    I really, really do wonder about those that turno ff the way a person looks(presuming they haven’t put on 100 pounds and lost their hygene), did you ever love the person in the first place?

    I’m not judging, it just really surprises me constantly when I hear that.

    Doesn’t desire, and attraction grow over time? Am I going to lose interest even if I eventually found some-one who I lusted after, when at first I thought they were unattractive? this concerns me.

  17. 77
    Christina

    Well it is great post..the problem is that sometimes human think to much about their society or friend circle and they complete forget that its their life not others…

  18. 78
    Diana

    TO Selena #67, excellent post. You have learned well from our master. ;) I keep coming back to this blog because there is always so much to learn.
     
    Your comments to Sayanta ring true with myself. I am not all that interested in or goal oriented toward dating per se. Rather I enjoy being involved with other adults in different social settings and just getting a chance to talk with other people where the pressure isn’t on either of us to “see if we’re a good match.” There are always possibilities, of course. ;) But you learn so much about people.
     
    While it’s my natural inclination to be more quiet and retrospective, I have mastered changing gears and also being the social butterfly when I so choose. I think of it as sort of like sealing the deal on a great interview: smiling, having confidence, being a good listener and talker, etc. I have accomplished a number of dreams in my life that required me to have the courage to step out of my comfort zone and the rewards were amazing!
     
    Anyway, great advice!

  19. 79
    Kat Wilder

    @ Goldie,
    “In a relationship where the woman is way above the man intellectually/socially, the only reason she can give him what he needs is by dumbing herself down and by downplaying her social/professional status when he’s around.”
    That’s an interesting take on things. What is it that you think a man needs? From my experience as a middle-aged divorcee, it think men want to be respected, nurtured, loved, accepted for who they are, appreciated and — biggie here — f@#ked. Evan, am I off the mark here?
    If you truly believe you need to dumb yourself down for that, then I wish you a lot of luck finding a mate. Status may be cool in your career, but to twist Tina Turner a bit, what’s status gotta do with love?

  20. 80
    Karl R

    sayanta, (#65)
    You’re trapped in a mindset where you think of yourself (and men) in terms of “worth.” (And you’re not the only reader doing this.)

    Do you think A-L sees herself as “worth less” than you because she’s bi-racial? She realizes that it limits her dating options, but that doesn’t change her worth (to herself or society at large). Are you worth less than me because you’re not of European descent? Similarly, I don’t see myself as being worth any less than you just because I lack a degree. You might think I’m worth less, but that just means you’re wrong.

    If you act like your job/living situation is an embarassing, devaluing thing, other people will follow your lead. If you can discuss it without a hint of embarassment, people will also follow your lead.

    sayanta said: (#65)
    “if I go into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those above qualities [educated, kind, and around my age, and reasonably attractive], I’ll end up bitter, because that’s not whom I wanted to be with”

    Do you actually believe that you’d be unable to carry on an intelligent conversation with me, just because I lack a degree? Or would you be secretly embarassed about having a boyfriend with no degree, even if he was completely confident when dealing with people of all educational levels?

    I set out to find a partner who was around my age. Do you think that I’m bitter just because I met an amazing woman who happened to be 16 years older than me … and decided that I’d be a fool to pass up this relationship just because of the age difference. There are still obvious drawbacks. If we get married (and it seems likely), I’ll be more statistically likely to become a widower than a divorcee. But I’m willing to face that near-inevitability to get a few decades of a wonderful relationship.

    A couple weeks ago a yoga instructor said, “The only thing we control in life is the attitude with which we face it.” If you are bitter, embarassed, feel worthless or feel too good to be with a particular man, that is entirely under your control.

    Kelli said: (#72)
    “My mother told me this year she thinks my problem is I date below my pedigree.”

    I laughed out loud at this statement. Dogs have a clear social hierarchy which is based on two traits: attitude, and the ability to back up the attitude when someone calls their bluff. Dogs don’t care about pedigree. Only the owners do. In Kelli’s case, you can substitute her mother for an owner.

    Given the congenital health problems endemic to purebreds, I would say that the pursuit of pedigree is to the detriment of the animals. Furthermore, I believe that it is also to your detriment if you pursue “pedigree” in your personal relationships.

  21. 81
    Ruby

    Jane #71
     
    If I meet a man, handsome or otherwise, and he doesn’t follow up after a date or three, I might feel disappointed, but I’ll generally get over it pretty fast. And of course, if a man chooses to ask a woman out, he should treat her respectfully during the date. If a man thinks you’re too old, why is he dating you in the first place? My problem is the jerks – and yes, that is what they are – who will string a woman along for sex/companionship when they aren’t really that into her, and think they can do better.
     
    Everyone deserves to be with someone who they’re great, NOT someone who feels like they could have done better. I can tell you that my happily married friends do not feel like they settled! There’s a difference between expanding your notions and standards to accommodate dating someone great that you might not have considered a possibility in the past…and “settling”.
     
    Karl (#79) said it well when he described his current relationship.

  22. 82
    Selena

    Thanks Diana. I’m where you are in that I’m not goal-oriented toward dating. I do hope to expand my social circle/life this year though and one never knows what may come of that. Which was why I advised Sayanta in that direction – meeting people in different social settings where there isn’t pressure to “see if we’re a good match” as you put it. I think the pressure of “finding someone” might in some cases lead to burn out and the negative thinking that we see on this blog. Not “looking”, but being open to meeting new people might be a useful respite.

    Are there any particular settings, groups, activities you could recommend to me Diana? I’m in the rural mid-west for the summer, but I’ll be returning to civilization :) in the Fall.

  23. 83
    SunnySD

    After a broken engagement, I re-entered the dating world reluctantly. I wanted someone who would make my heart flutter a bit and get my pulse racing, and who would make me feel beautiful, funny and smart. Rather than limiting myself to the types of guys I always dated (tall, hot, younger than me), I made a deliberate change in how I approached dating. If the guy had a nice profile, was at least moderately attractive, sounded fun on the phone, didn’t have any obvious deal breakers for me (like smoking or drugs), then I would go on a date.
    I went out with bald guys, older guys, way younger guys, short guys, etc. A lot of the dates were fun (some were awful), and I was often surprised by how attracted I would be to a man by the end of the date even though — by my previous standards — he would not be my “type.” If I had met these men in a bar, without the benefit of reading about them online first, I would’ve dismissed them politely because they didn’t fit the image of what I thought I needed. However, meeting them online allowed me to see more of who they were and not just focus on looks first. Am I still attracted to tall, younger guys? Yes! But I also have found myself attracted to men that I would never give a second glance to previously.
    Recently, I began dating a single father with a ten year old daughter. Again, dating a man with kids was out of the question for me before —  it just seemed too complicated. When I met my new guy online, his profile did not reveal he was a single father with full custody of his daughter. In fact, this tidbit of info didn’t come out until our first phone conversation (which lasted 3 hours!) If he had put this on his profile, I may have never emailed him back because single dads were not “my type.” Even with my new outlook on dating, I was still not 100% comfortable with the idea of dating a single father. I still don’t know if this is the right relationship for me, but I am giving it a chance.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that you never know what you are going to like until you try it. My sister always makes my niece take a “no thank you bite” of new foods. Only after she takes a bite can she decide that she doesn’t like the food. I think this same approach applies to dating a bit. Sometimes its good to step away from our “favorites” and try something new. Then, and only then, can we say “no thank you.”
     

  24. 84
    Diana

    Selena, I have been moving into new social arenas at a fairly slow pace by most standards, but comfortable for my life and its many demands ~ about once or twice a month. I joined a singles group that’s focused on activities and having fun together vs. looking for a mate. Couples join in too sometimes. Common experiences like dinner, movies, etc. I am also about to join two clubs through Meetups.com. I attend these events by myself, so I have to be feeling extra sunshiny that day. :)
     
    Thanks for asking, and happy socializing!

  25. 85
    sayanta

    Thanks again…A-L, Selena, Karl, Diana….for your thoughts and insights. Definitely feeling better now! :-)

  26. 86
    Selena

    Re: #83

    SunnySD,
    That was a great post. It illustrates the idea of not sticking to a “type” or “list” perfectly.  And the positive results that can happen when you don’t.
    I like the “no thank you bite” analogy. :)

    Maybe we should stop using terms like settle and compromise which are so easily misconstrued, and substitute something that has a more positive connotation to express what we mean.  Expanding your horizons? Stepping outside your parameters? Eh…there’ got to be a better word/phrase.

    Anyone?

  27. 87
    She's Savvy

    Great post! I think what Evan is saying is very true.  In my own situation, I’ve been single for about a year and a half because the men who are interested in me aren’t the ones I’m interested in, and vice versa.

    I’ve gone out on a lot of dates and often blog about my experiences dating and the men I meet.  On my blog, it’s always interesting to hear the male perspective as to why my dating hasn’t proven fruitful. While I don’t believe in settling, I think it is okay to set your sights on something different from your usual because that obviously isn’t working.

  28. 88
    starthrower68

    Oki Evan, I did what you suggest and I’ll be darned if immediately upon adjusting my attitued, I took the initiative, pinged the guy and found a diamond in the rough.  It’s still too early to say what may happen but you were right, darn it….(stomping foot, pouting)….

  29. 89
    Sam P.

    Sayanta,

    Could you share more about your experiences dating people from Philadelphia and New York?  I too am a suburbanite who often dates people living in a city.  The power dynamic between urbanite-suburbanite isn’t equal and I’ve had a few urban girls who hurt me by not reciprocating travel.

  30. 90
    sayanta

    #86, Selena and Diana-

    Wow- you two are really good with the re-wording thing! I can learn a lot from you :-)

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