Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do? Dear Evan,

Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.

Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.

Surely these things apply to men just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated.  -Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Love. This. Question.

I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.

(This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before:

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

Funny, but probably not the entire picture.

So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:

1. Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships. When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship, for laughs, for fun.

Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.

I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…

2. Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. But hey, that’s men.

Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play.

Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. Which brings us to…

3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

• Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48 men.

• 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women. Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?

• Women maintain closer friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day. She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a month.

In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so – with each other, with their families, and with you.

Women talk about their feelings with much greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality that they care more about relationships.

4. Sex – Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”

There are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

You can tell who these men are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men as if they’re good for nothing but sex.

So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.

The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

5. Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”

Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.

You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.

As a result, most men can date lots of women.

Women – at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”, explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love – which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.

In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.

We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.

As a result of all of these biological and societal observations about men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.

We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

If there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship – and how is this different than the women you know?


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  1. 1

    Well now this is depressing!  I agree that women have outlandishly unrealistic expectations for love and relationships.  Blame movies, Disney fairy tales, whatever you want but the fact remains that when your expectations don’t line up with reality, severe disappointment is the result.  Men don’t need or want women in the same way women need or want men.  So what in the world do we do about this?

  2. 2

    I have never been a stereotypical man – not defined by career, not focused mainly on externals when it comes to women, not really able to split sex from love …
    And while I wouldn’t say I “hate” being single, I have mostly had a desire to be in a fulfilling relationship from a young age. My expectations have been broken down through the years of dating and being in relationships, but I would say that I’m interested in more than just not being criticized or bored with someone.
    Oh, and I’d say men also have tendencies towards wanting the women they are with to change in some way or another. They might not express it as often, or as clearly, but I think the view that “you’re fine just as you are” is pretty rare.

  3. 3

    We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

    That describes me. One more example of how I (a female) am more masculine when it comes to relationships. My first date last night with a recently divorced 54 year old left me ambivalent. He is done caring about his career, has tons of hobbies and interests he wants a women to adopt, he wants a women to fill up his life. I want a relationship that is a blend of two people. I don’t see that as trying to change someone but men might.

  4. 4
    Sam P.

    I agree with everything Evan said, but I’d like to expand on the finances dimension.
    Men make, on average, $10,000 more per year than women do.  Men with BAs earn $16,000 more per year than women with BAs.  Men have lower expenses on clothing, make up, grooming, and a slew of other things.  Thus, most men do not have the same financial incentives to get married than women do.

    1. 4.1

      This quote from the article pretty much sums it up:

      “Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.”

      Men are more okay being single because dating is a huge time investment. Aside from sex, what benefits do women these days give men that they couldn’t get from their friends? None. Women used to treat even the most average man like a king. He would come home from a long day at work with dinner on the table, a clean house, and kids picked up from school. The wife was the ultimate support system while the husband slaved away paying the bills.

      Now that women want “equality” they are no longer willing to make a man feel awesome. Instead they are more likely to divorce you and take half your stuff. Women in the US have become a liability if you’re a man and dumb enough to actually get married.

      So again I beg the question. What reason does an intelligent man have to want to date a woman if she’s only going to cost him time and money? Over 50% of marriages fail and in the majority of divorce cases, the favor is given to the woman. She collects the alimony and the kids.

      I would love to see what would happen if regulated prostitution was legal in the US like in Amsterdam. Then men would truly have everything they needed from a woman and then maybe women’s attitudes would change and they would try harder to be worth a man’s time.

      1. 4.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Dude. Listen to yourself. If you believe that women are good for nothing more than sex, why would any woman want to marry you anyway?

  5. 5

    I know some men who absolutely hate being single.  I don’t think that Evan meant all men – just some men in general.  My guy loves being coupled up!  You just need to keep your heart open to the guys who do.  There is still hope…

  6. 6

    Great response Evan!!  Women and men are so different and women need to realize that what men want and need is so different then what we do.  Once you accept this, it becomes easy.  When many of the things that women need are satisfied within the context of other great relationships and we are fulfilled and happy, a relationship with a man is the icing on the cake.  It doesn’t preclude you from getting some of these things from a man but it shouldn’t be your only source.

  7. 7

    I really enjoyed reading this post! I know it can seem depressing, but I actually found it pretty funny the way you wrote it Evan.
    The only thing I can say is that I’ve found that most men DO eventually come around… maybe they take longer than women, but at some point, yes, they do tire of the video games, meaningless sex, long nights at work followed by coming home to an empty house, the bar scene, lack of true companionship, etc.
    And when their guy friends start getting hitched and they find themselves to be the Last of the Mohicans, being single really starts to suck for them!
    That’s why I notice that men can wake up one day after years — no, decades — of being single and decide that they want a real relationship with a real partner. And then they go after it.
    As a woman, I just needed to figure out how to find those guys.  ;)

  8. 8
    Lisa M.

    Well, I’m an attractive 36 year-old woman who has never been in a committed relationship. On rare occasions that I do reveal this fact about myself, people appear to be stunned. They can’t believe a woman as attractive as me has never been in relationship.  I have never really felt that I needed a man/relationship to make me happy or define who I am. I have other things to fill up my life and I know how to satisfy my own sexual needs.  I have no problem attracting male attention (Although, I don’t think being really good-looking has a whole lot to with whether a woman can find love because I know plenty of women who are way less attractive than myself who are married and/or in committed relationships).
     I have never understood why when I mention that I am unattached I get looks of pity.  I have yet to see men get this same reaction when they reveal the same thing. It’s ridiculous.  It irritates me the way many women act, as if, they have won the state’s lottery when they become some man’s wife.  It is as though they have accomplished something that was so difficult to achieve (like actually winning the state’s lottery). 
    In my observation over the years, it appears that most of the women I knew are not content in their relationships and it may be, as you mentioned; most women have unreal expectations for their romantic relationships with men. I may have these very same unrealistic expectations, which could be responsible for why I have never taken the plunge.  I guess I would rather go it alone than be disappointed.

    1. 8.1

      Lisa, I LOVE what you said and the way you said it. did you have alot of brothers or raised by a single father? You seem to have unique insite into how a man thinks, you seem to think that way yourself. LOL!!! When one of the “boys” winds up engaged or married we look at HIM with Pitty LOL!!! hey girl I just wanted you to know that whats good for the goose is good for the gander  share some love and support and tell you ; Go on with your bad self, I’m behind you bro… I mean girl, UH sis? LOL!

  9. 9

    Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.
    Love that line.  LOL!

  10. 10

    I think we also need to realize that since we are all shaped by society, that’s obviously going to color women’s and men’s focus. Like Lisa above said, unattached women tend to be treated like outcasts more often than men, and that def contributes to the relationship desire.

    1. 10.1

      you see that’s part of the main difference between men and women – men as a rule DON’T CARE whether society approves or not !

      Many women validate their choice of boyfriend by running them past their girlfriends to see what they think. Men would never do that, if we like her then we DON’T CARE what our friends think :-)

  11. 11

    There continues to be less societal pressure on men to be married. Women still have the “old maid spinster” labels hanging over them.

    Women still make less money than men, so there’s a financial imperative.

    Women are more interested in having kids, and have to worry about their biological clocks. Since they tend to make less money and are usually entrusted with the primary care of children, they need someone who can be a good provider.

    Women are more affected by aging in the dating market than are men. The average 42 year old man has more dating options than does a 42 year old woman – he can date a 22 year old or a 52 year old. He may not actually want to go that young, but he has the option to do so. A woman dating that much younger is called a cougar, a bit derisively. There’s no comparable label for men.

    In general, men prefer women who are slender/fit (not overwieght), pretty, and youthful. I do think that more and more men care about a woman’s education and/or income level than in the past.   

    Men can date casually and not get attached – much harder for women to do that.

    Given all of the above, it’s not surprising that most of the dating books and websites out there are geared towards women. There’s just more pressure on them. On the downside for men, it’s not so great that they don’t form attachments as easily as women, and men still don’t live as long as women do.

  12. 12

    @Sam P #4
    Women earn their own money now, they don’t necessarily have financial incentives to get married.   At least not all of them.   There are all of those articles about women who out earn men, how more women and fewer men go to college and how more men are getting laid off.

  13. 13

    Well, some people would say it comes down to maturity. The idea goes that women mature quicker than men. I read an article not too long ago that indicated how some younger men are not maturing as quickly as previous generations due to their video game hobby. It’s keeping them in adolescence much longer.
    For the record, my former husband never held my purse while I shopped! [LOL] Seriously?!

  14. 14

    Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”
    I’ve gotten that feeling a lot.   That women are looking for more than a partner.  They are looking for a magician, a white night and a fantasy.   Talk about performance pressure!   I find this attitude to be a real turn off.
    I see it as the other side of the coin about the complaints of many women about American men being narcissistic.   Narcissism  is about more than being self-centered.   My non-expert understanding is that it is also about unrealistic expectations…..especially the perfectionistic expectations of a child who hasn’t learned at a gut level that they are not the only person in the world.    In other words the “narcissism epidemic” which includes both men and women is about people who never finished growing up emotionally.   We (Americans of a certain generation ) are what becomes of the spoiled children.
    Sucks if you are single, sucks if you are dating coach trying to diplomatically get people to be realistic.

  15. 15

    Steve #12

    Women with associate degrees still earn about $10,000 less than men with no college degree. Another study i read said that it would take 40 years for the number of female corporate officers to match the number of male CEOs in Fortune 500 companies.

  16. 16
    Kate Candy

    Evan!!!! This is extraordinarily insightful and should be read and understood by women everywhere who are suffering from Where-is-my-prince? disease.  Although guys might dream of a princess, they get on with their lives.  They run, watch football, hang with friends, walk the dog and wait for someone who they think is worth committing to.  They are far more patient.  And, although there are men who are dying to get married, there are far more brides magazines than groom magazines.  

    Also, guys are not as crazy about getting laid as conventional wisdom will have us believe.  Men love the physical rewards of sex, but sometimes making love to a woman is a lot of work and they’d rather skip it for the alternatives.  Sex for many women is about validation, a self-esteem boost, and for men, not so much.  Sex for men is not elevated to lofty heights.  I know there are some women who talk about how much they like to hit the mattress, but I challenge these women to say that getting drilled by a guy who doesn’t care how many times your head hits the headboard is fun, whereas for the guy, no foreplay boffing? Yeah, it’s fine.

    So, this brings me back to other superb EMK posts.  Men should say NO to sex until they feel comfortable having intimate conversations with their partner; women should too.  Women should stop trying to date guys who are not trying to date them (this is priceless advice).  And women should understand that guys were not invented to help you pay your bills or impress your friends.  As a friend of mine said, “Men are people, treat them accordingly.” That is, lower the expectations, be kind and polite and remember, they’re probably not looking for a parent.

  17. 17

    I think after I turned 55 I finally felt comfortable with my place, its location, my routine, my stability. When I was young, change and risk was exciting. Now, I wonder what all the fuss is about. As Evan said, it is possible to supplement my life with female companionship without giving up what I have.

    The other thing is this. I came to the conclusion after thinking long and hard over my failed marriage that it is pointless to try to convince a woman she wants me as I am if she doesn’t. Really, either she does or she doesn’t. If I convince her, as I did constantly in my marriage, then the first (or next) time there are serious problems a woman will look at you and say in some form, “OK, this was really your idea — why should I stay, why are your worth it?” [paraphrase.] It is a losing proposition. So, any time a women wants to know “why?” insistently about the way I am, what I do, what I think — red flags fly. What she is really saying is, “make your case. you should convince me.” And, that is a losing proposition for anyone, man or woman.

    Commitment can’t include a hidden provision for changing who you are (re men) or that you will never change (women). Yes, men think the woman they are committing to will not change from the appealing image presented to us. And, that’s because we won’t ordinarily.

  18. 18
    Lisa M.

     ”unattached women tend to be treated like outcasts more often than men, and that def contributes to the relationship desire.”

    Sayanta #10, this is true.  It is, as if, you might as well just lay down and die because what else do you as woman have to live for. And yes, it definitely contributes to why women feel so much pressure to be married and/or in a relationship.  I know two other women like myself who just don’t seem to give a crap about being in a relationship and have never been in one (also in their 30′s) and are enjoying their lives just fine.  

    Aren’t there studies that state that women are happiest when they’re single and men are the least happiest when they’re single. We must keep in mind that men still do the proposing, not us.

    Ruby #11, I totally agree. The double standards are quite tiresome.  One of my pet peeves is how men are rarely told that standards and expectations for women and relationships are unrealistic, while women are constantly browbeaten about being unrealistic in our expectations.

  19. 19
    Lisa M.

    “Commitment can’t include a hidden provision for changing who you are (re men) or that you will never change (women). ”

    Yes, I believe this too.  I have never been interested in working on a man like he’s some kind of project.  If he is just not what you’re looking for simply move on.  

    “Yes, men think the woman they are committing to will not change from the appealing image presented to us. And, that’s because we won’t ordinarily.”

    If I met the guy I wanted to commit to, I wouldn’t want him to change either based on the appealing image he presented to me but how
    realistic is that.  He is going to age, probably lose his hair and gain weight, so it would probably be in my best interest for the long haul that he possesses more than just an appealing appearance, right?

  20. 20
    Miss Solomon

    I think this is so true but so sad! Women have such an upper hand in dating. You get treated to dinners, events while men are vying for your attention. If you do it right, dating for a woman is amazing. Who wouldn’t want men sending you texts messages calling you trying to take you out, on trips buying you things and all it costs is a few salon services and efficient trip to Sephora. The dating game is where women can shine. There is no reason not to enjoy it. If you don’t, you’re just not doing it right

  21. 21

    I LOVE being single!!! I feel so sorry for women, especially those in their 20′s and 30′s who were raised to believe that THEY DON’T EXIST WITHOUT A MAN! It is so, so sad! They rely on “getting” a man for all of their happiness, and if they DO manage to get him to the altar, they are misearble afterwars because he is not Prince Charming treating them like the Cinderellas they believe they are!
    If you have a fulfilling job, family, friends, interests, dating life, there is absolutely no reason to believe that a man will make it better. If what you really want is to cater to a man’s every need and massage his ego daily, while he does little for yours, continue to believe the myth!
    A man shouldn’t COMPLETE your life, he should ENHANCE it. It has taken me years to realize this, but I CRINGE when I see the things that girls in their 20′s and 30′s put up with, just to say they “have” a man!
    It is so so sad! Aim high girls, he should be BETTER than you, not a blood-sucking rehab project! Stop compromising yourselves for men, they will respect and want you more! :)

  22. 22

    @Miss Solomon – while it may be true that women have the upper hand during dating, this advantage disappears when you want to move from dating mode to relationship mode.  While I am having an amazing time dating, eventually I’m going to want more.  I’m going to want a relationship.  That’s where this male/female dynamic that Evan is talking about is going to come into play.

  23. 23

    It all boils down to whats important to each and what defined’s them.  Men-career, hobbies- Its what they do.  Women- relationships: Its what they feel.  There are exceptions to the rule, as there always is but generally it works this way.

  24. 24

    @Miss Soloman #20.   I am predicting that you will get many impassioned replies to your post from the regulars among the female comment authors.

  25. 25

    Another great piece, Evan. As an atypical guy (and not-so-coincidentally, a self-help writer for single men), I found dating not only to be “endless tedium and stress” but to be fun and interesting. Then again, I meditate, have made great choices in women (I look fondly on every past relationship and have exactly zero “crazy exes”) and have a pretty strong sense of self-identity that doesn’t involve career or “stuff.” A strong “me” makes me better both alone and in a relationship.
    But the reason I’ve never felt pressure to be in a relationship: I’m comfortable alone without an Internet or cell phone tether, just my own thoughts for company. It truly readjusts me so I can go out and be a better friend and boyfriend. It’s a life skill I think everyone should learn.
    Friendships are important, too, both same-sex and opposite-sex. A really good social network helps in so many ways, including opportunities to meet potential mates. For all the women I dated online and through dating events, my current (and longest-term) girlfriend is a friend of a friend.
    There are a lot of men who want relationships every bit as much as many women do. They just won’t talk about it as readily as women. Many of the guys picking up women at the club really want to fall madly in love, they just don’t know how to get or sustain a relationship, and the lifestyle messes with how they relate to others.

  26. 26

    Uh oh.  I have met a guy that makes me willing to do everything Evan says and I won’t even go kicking and screaming.  That’s scary.  And this guy does not make as much money as I do, does not have the level of education I have, and is not what I think of when I think of my “type”.  And until this guy came along, I would get the pangs of loneliness, but I learned to reach out to my girlfriends or make the most of my time with my children.  I have never felt the financial imperative to get married because my parents trained me to make my own way in the world. But I think this person can certainly trump being single.  Go figure.

  27. 27

    It’s scary to me that men don’t seem to form attachments as women do.

  28. 28

    In my experience, men HATE being single. In all of my relationships the guy was much more eager to lock the whole thing down and get to the boyfriend/girlfriend part than I was. They were quicker to the gun with “I love you” and started talking about marriage and kids way before I was ready to. Recent studies have shown that men say “I love you” faster in most relationships and are more eager to commit at the beginning.
    Women also initiate the majority of divorces (about 2/3) in large part because they are MORE OK with being single. When men initiate a divorce, they are much more likely to have someone waiting in the wings, jumping from relationship to relationship. Ex-husbands remarry faster than ex-wives. I know the stereotype is that men are commitmentphobes, but honestly, I’ve never seen it, and the data don’t support it. I’d suggest your letter-writer is just dating the wrong guys.

  29. 29

    I think lots of men do hate being single as much as this woman. I know I have friends who are in that position and I was that way when I first got divorced. The problem is that women don’t want those men because they are “needy”, I know I was. By the time I’d gotten my life together enough to attract women and them want me for a serious relationship, I was enjoying being single. Doing what i wanted, when I wanted without having to feel guilty about my desire to be alone. I think the difference is that men if they don’t have someone to do something with are more willing to go alone, including traveling.

  30. 30

    @ Maeve #28,

    I think that while it’s not true of all men or all women, you are correct in the majority of cases.  If this blog is any indication, women want the time to explore what went wrong and how not to go there again before the next relationship.  I also think that in a lot of cases, women were the heavy lifters in the relationship and simply need a break from it to re-charge.  Whereas men think getting into the next relationship means all their problems are solved.  Again, I’m not saying this is true of all men or women, but I’ve seen it a lot.

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