Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?

bored woman with her partner watching television

Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his “girlfriend” and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is “nice to have” but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.


Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity — or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong…. Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.

There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Check out more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny.”

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.

And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Which brings me to your next question.

Question 2: Am I being picky?

Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”

So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?

How about how someone makes you feel?

How about how you feel about him?

I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.

I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist — smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have — what I really needed at the time — was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All New York brass and Jewish sass. After a few months of phone calls, I flew to the East Coast to go on a four-day make-it-or-break-it date.

You can guess what happened next….

Exactly as I pulled away from the darling girl who would have done anything for me, Miss NYC pulled away from me. When pressed, she said I had 90% of what she was looking for – but didn’t feel the necessary attraction to start a long-distance relationship.

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

And, in retrospect, I’m almost positive it was because I thought she was God’s gift to man. I kissed her ass. She walked away.

Much like you’re going to do to your guy at any second.

So… Question 3: Do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Needless to say, I can’t tell you what to do. You can’t force attraction. But you know that great guys don’t grow on trees.

I think the X-Factor is that you’re a 28-year-old single mom. This means that you’ve been married, so you don’t feel the need to do it again. You’ve had two kids, so you don’t hear the ticking clock. In other words, you have nothing about which to panic. You can afford to be picky. Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s.


Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.

As for what you should do with this guy, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Therefore, you have my blessing to dump him. Staying with him when your heart’s not in it is doing neither of you any favors.

Just recognize that you’d actually like this guy more if he pulled away more and cared about you less.

A bit ironic, isn’t it?

Join our conversation (170 Comments).
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  1. 1

    A nice guy isn’t hard to find. I know loads of them. I have their numbers. Nice girls aren’t hard to find either. So why is everyone still single?

    Loads of us are still single because nice isn’t enough for a long term relationship. For that to work you also need fun, interesting, stuff in common.

    I’d never criticise a woman for dumping a ‘nice’ guy. I do however get a bit exacberated at all the women who claim that ‘i just want a nice guy.’ That kind of sentiment doesn’t do justice to yourself or the men who want to date you.

    1. 1.1

      I think what Evan said sums it all up:
      “It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love”.
      People are still single because they have met   and dated a lot of people, but not yet had that “mutual spark” with someone. Only after that “rare exception” is achieved can you start to build a relationship – hopefully between two very nice people.

      1. 1.1.1

        Wow! I’m a 60 years young very attractive woman and thoughthe I was   doomed to never know the true meaning of love. I think you have just nailed it. This is hopefull thank you.

        I always wondered “now what” am   crazy? Yes, a bit crazy in a good way but now hopeful and crazy 🙂

    2. 1.2

      Honestly, I’m a good nice fella. I met this nice girl too. We became best friends (since she had a boyfriend) and we are so compatible. She told me from the beginning what she wanted from a guy, and I have met all of her expectations.
      When she’s single, I asked her out, and she said we’re just too good to be true and she’s not in love with me in a romantic way. She didn’t want to be in a serious relationship, but she did suggest a “friends with benefits” relationship.
      Women are damn complicated creatures. What more do you want when we have everything you need?

      1. 1.2.1

        Shes just scared to put her heart into a possible short term mutual attraction. What if this is just temporary? This guy has everything I want but what if he’s just acting. Contrary to popular belief us women are not that naïve  and we’re ALWAYS thinking about people’s intentions for  us.

      2. 1.2.2

        Dear Doormat:

        Please get up and wash the heel marks off your face.   For heavens sake have a little pride and stick up for what you want.

        She is not complicated at all.   She is not feeling romantic toward you, therefore you do not have everything she wants. You have not met her expectations, she wants to be with a man she feels romantic toward.   Don’t take it personally, there is another woman out there that will feel romantic toward you.   Go for the woman that wants you.   The present woman will sleep with you, you will fall in love and you will get dumped.   Then you will be all pissed off and hurt never facing the fact she told you from the beginning what she felt.   What a waste of your valuable time.   She is predicting the outcome of this “relationship” and it is not pretty.   Lay your ego down, face the fact that just because you are wildly attracted to a woman does not mean she is to you.   And no matter how great or fabulous you are, there are woman out there that are stone cold, impervious to your charms.   There us a great girl is out there waiting for you to get over miss eff buddy and treat you like want to be treated.   Get moving.


      3. 1.2.3

        Oh well, since that is the offer you have been given, might as well get yourself regular sex while simultaneously looking for a woman who wants to be in a relationship with you. It’s the most practical solution forward.

      4. 1.2.4

        Yep, just went through something similar…woman are complicated…I was kind of chased, then we both chased, then we met up many times over 3 months to find over time I was getting pushed away because the woman wanted her own space and was afraid to commit even though that’s what she wanted. We got on well, everything was great, the sex, the coziness, the romance, except, she will be always unsure, looking for better…some girls just want to be treated bad, romance for some reason and being nice gets misconstrued as weakness rather than simply caring and loving. Now I am getting the silent treatment. Make it too easy and they get bored, even though they want reassurance and emotional security…go figure? I cant…

      5. 1.2.5

        It’s very nice of her to suggest “friends with benefits”. That’s more than most women would give.
        Take up her offer, enjoy it while it lasts, but don’t expect anything more serious out of it.
        And then do what you’ve always had to do – meet more women, create more options for yourself.

        1. Ell

          I’ll make it clear to you we are terrified because do you know how many pie crust promises are made to women but the guys that go ohhh if I keep this up long enough I will get what I want and then leave so then we decide to shut it down early before you get a chance to hurt us again no relationship is worth your internal piece

      6. 1.2.6

        It’s pretty weird to only have sex twice though in two months, I mean I’m horny three times a day usually, so two months of all those missed opportunities.

      7. 1.2.7

        Sounds like she wants to be single and f other guys but also keeps you for when she’s ready for a relationship. When you friend zone someone it’s usually because you’re not attracted to them but seeing as she wants a friends with benefits with you, then she clearly finds you attractive.

    3. 1.3

      Hey JimmyE

      Could you please introduce me to the loads of them that you said you have.

      I need to meet those. I am not being ironic. The last few I have met. Seems to interested and then when they show the higher peak of excitement.. just poof! vanished without warning.

  2. 2

    Very interesting letter and questions, Diana. One could play devil’s advocate with oneself all day long (as it appears you are doing).

    In my opinion, two months of casual dating isn’t long enough to assess who someone really is, at their core, and whether they would be an appropriate long-term partner. People start relaxing and showing their true colors around the three month mark… then a little more at the six month mark… then a little more after you get engaged… etc. (Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and your Prince Charming will turn out to be a “bad boy” after all!)

    All kidding aside… two or three dates should be enough to know “is there a spark here or isn’t there?”

    Your dilemma as I interpret it is at least in part, how important are sparks in a long-term relationship? Some say they are crucial; others say the early days of “wall socket sex” and fiery passion eventually simmer down into a more comfortable, intimate, familiar feeling of love where the embers smolder but the room doesn’t catch fire every time you’re both in it.

    But if there are no embers on your part to begin with…

    On the other hand, great guys who will adore you AND your two young children don’t grow on trees…

    On the other hand, as JimmyE points out, the universe is an abundant place with tons of nice guys in it (some even with chutzpah, as Evan points out…)

    On the other hand… aacckkk. I totally get it. You can make yourself nuts with all this pretzel brain twisting.

    If you’re a reader, I can suggest a terrific book that might put some of what you’re struggling with into perspective. It’s called “The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?” by Dean C. Dellis and Cassandra Phillips. It describes the emotional struggles that go along with unequal/unbalanced relationships such as yours, where one person is a lot more invested in the relationship than the other. One person becomes the “one-up” (that would be you, as you can take this or leave it), the other becomes the “one-down” (your suitor, who feels the need to pursue harder and harder to bridge the growing gap he perceives). This creates a push-pull dynamic that can create a lot of turmoil, at the very least. The book offers suggestions for trying to even out the relationship if both parties feel it’s worth the trouble. It helped me understand why some of my relationships have felt like such a struggle, others have felt like a yawn, and why my current one feels just right.

    I guess the main question I would be asking myself in your shoes… if I stay with this guy and see what unfolds over a few more months’ time, will I feel like I’m settling? What is the potential cost of missed opportunities? If you could care less whether or not you’re even in a relationship, and you don’t feel like you’re using this fellow or stringing him along, what would be the harm in continuing to see him on a status quo basis… until you know for certain how you feel?

    What’s that old saying? When in doubt, do nothing.

    Best of luck to you, Diana. I’d be curious to know how things turn out.

    1. 2.1

      Dear BeenThroughTheWars

      You had the best comment ever!!!! You totally just helped me so much. I am Brittany, going through an extremely similar situation as Diana. Thank you!!

  3. 3
    mrs. vee

    Diana –

    There’s not much more I can add to the great advice already given except to tell you that whatever you decide to do is ok. There is no right or wrong answer to your predicament.

    Having said that, I don’t see this as a case of you “betting on 20” if you were to dump him. Your man apparently fails to produce the feelings in you that you believe are fundamentally necessary in a romantic relationship. I’d say you’re perhaps holding a 16.

    If you’re focusing now so early in the relationship on whether or not he’s right for you, and if he becomes increasingly more cloying and desperate to feel reassured of your affections, then you’re obviously not using the time to enjoy each other’s company. These are supposed to be your salad days. You shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. You should be falling in love. It’s hard to relax and get to know each other when two people are already preoccupied with the power dynamic.

    Your fella obviously has the sincere desire to be in a relationship and goes through all the right motions. That’s only the starting point. If after two months of dating and even sex you’re still not sure that you’re attracted to him, then I think it’s fair to him and yourself to throw this one back in the river.

    You’re young and sound cool and fun. Perhaps he’ll make some lucky woman happy one of these days. Still, you owe it to yourself to seek the whole package and he deserves a woman who sees him as such.

  4. 4
    mrs. vee

    And after all that, I have just roundly scolded myself for giving advice that, if I’d followed, I wouldn’t be with my husband today. So, to not be a complete hypocrite, let me briefly share with you that I didn’t initially think my better half was my type either. The passion was always there from the very beginning whenever things got physical between us, but, early on, I felt like I could walk all over him if I wanted to. I had major doubts and tried breaking it off with him twice, thinking that it was the fair thing to do for him. Each time I let him go, he took it graciously and nevertheless persisted after me.

    Because I thought he was a good guy, I made a genuine effort to stay his friend. Then, one month in and two dumpings later, we planned a night out that
    involved our friends. On that outing, I saw how relaxed funny and and confident he was with any person other than me, I realized that I just made him nervous. We continued doing things with people in our social circles, and gradually he totally relaxed around me even when we were on or own. I fell in love with him, and it really was’t just me “letting him in” either. He truly managed to surpass every expectation, and it was head over heels type of love. And I say with a smile on my face that today he’s squarely in the driver’s seat in our relationship. I still feel a lot of heat towards him to this day. So who knows? Perhaps the lesson here is that you may one day see a different side of your man if he’s put in a different situation. Maybe he just needs the opportunity to rise to a challenge in front of you before you see his true stripes. The thing to not to miss here, though, is that the butterflies and crazy-in-love feelings eventually did surface in me. You keep an eye out for them too, dear.

    1. 4.1

      I’m going through a really tough situation right now. Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half with a couple month break in between. Hes honest and doesn’t lie or atleast never used to but he’s very boring to me.I can’t have fun with him. I’ve seen him be witty and laugh with other people but he’s never like that with me. I’m 25 single mom of three. Hes turning 21 this month. We took a break cause all we ever did was fight. During that time he was a huge player. I’m afraid hell get sick of all the baggage and start playing around behind my back. I don’t know how we could ever have fun together. We have nothing in common.I just started dating him because he seemed like a nice honest guy and he’s very attractive.  

      1. 4.1.1

        It’s understandable what you did. Having fun together, enjoying each other’s presence is the whole point! If you don’t have that you don’t have much.

      2. 4.1.2

        Dear Rosella:

        Please do not waste your youthful energy and beauty on this man.   He does not want to treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.   He is not honest.   He wont be his witty, laughing self with you.   That is dishonest. And it is boring to you.   You started to date him because he seemed honest and was very attractive. I get that, I would too but he did not keep it up and is now showing his true colors.   He is not honest with you.   He is physically attractive on the outside but his insides make you feel afraid and insecure.   You state you dont know how you could ever have fun together and you have nothing in common.   I think you have a dream (and a good one) of what you want in a man.   He does not have your dream in his mind.   It sounds like you love him and I know it will hurt to say goodbye but you don’t sound like you feel loved back. Dreams are like clothes, they only come in a certain size and will only fit the man that wears that size.   Do not waste time trying to make it fit on this nightmare guy, he will just rip your dream to shreds.   The longer you stay the harder it will be to get back out there where the right guy is waiting for you.   Take your dream, keep it safe and believe you are worth it.

      3. 4.1.3
        say it

        a mom of 3. women sometimes expect too much from a guy. what else are you bringing to this boring guy besides a big responsibility and bills?

  5. 5

    Hey, Evan,

    Good advice, but what’s up with the comment, “Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s”. After that, what, she’ll be yesterday’s news? As an attractive woman over 40, I’m offended by this. Perhaps we’re not as “marketable” to as many men as we were in our twenties, but it doesn’t mean that it’s all over either. In some ways, I know that I’ve got more to offer a man now, than I did when I was in my twenties. Please be a little more sensitive.

    1. 5.1

      Hey!   I’m 76, fit, intelligent, yadda, yadda yadda.   Women without gray hair don’t interest me in the least.   When I meet a woman how’s a good dancer, fit, interesting and such I know I’ve found someone who can make life interesting.

      I can assure you that the competition for such women does not diminish with age.   If I find her interesting I’ll find plenty of competition for her company.

    2. 5.2

      I do believe he was just referencing the next stage of her life, from 28 into her 30s. There’s no need to perceive a slight because he didn’t list further into the future; the reponse was tailored to her, not to you or possibly everyone. Hah, chill out lady 😉


      For what it’s worth, my take on it, as a 37yo guy, is that this guy is probably trying way too hard because she’s ten years younger. Also kind of sounds like his first serious interest possibly after a divorce or something. For gods sake, just be totally up front if you’re not sure you want the relationship. Give him information that he can use to make smart choices for himself. He’ll respect you for it. Psh, he may even pull away and you’ll suddenly find yourself a lot more interested lol

    3. 5.3

      I have NO idea how old this post is.

      However, I am a woman of 30, and I found this slightly offensive too. I was quite relieved to see someone else had picked up on it – it’s not a case of Ruby being over sensitive – that is like saying that only people who are the subject of racism cannot be offended by it.

      It IS advice for the person who asked the question – but in a world where women in their 40’s, (and even mid-late 30’s!) are seen as ‘past it’, I think as the advice given is in a public arena for the use that others can learn from it and use it, that there should be an awareness and sensitivity by Evan (and indeed, anyone who writes and posts public advice). And it is good advice!

      It is these seemingly small things and acknowledgements that make all the difference in this world. Let’s not fall into the trap of seeing them as surplus. It may well be an ‘observation’ on your part Evan, but Christ, if this is the case, you associate with some chauvinist d*ckheads for an intelligent man.

    4. 5.4

      I hate to say it, but no, you don’t have much to offer a man.   A man is interested in youth and beauty; we really don’t care about your career, and we don’t want to deal with your baggage you aquired after 40 years.

      1. 5.4.1

        What’s good for the gander. . .

      2. 5.4.2

        Ummmm…. How old are you?

    5. 5.5

      Hell, I think a woman in her 40’s or 50’s who keeps in shape and tries to stay young and keeps up with her emotional awareness  can be a LOT hotter than a 30-something.   This is coming from a 52 y.o. male.

      1. 5.5.1
        reilene heiser

        Thank   you Scott.   You are a rare treasure!

      2. 5.5.2

        What an awesome comment!!!

    6. 5.6

      Well said.

    7. 5.7

      And 50s and beyond ? It seems men think women just become obselete after 30 . We no longer exist . No doubt for a certain type of man this is very true . To this men only teenagers and women in their twenties are of any interest but not all men are like this

  6. 6
    Evan Marc Katz

    I didn’t say that women in their 40’s are yesterday’s news.
    I didn’t say that you don’t have more to offer.
    I did say that there are a lot fewer options due to the (perhaps unfair) preferences at men.

    It is not being insensitive to point out something factual. There was no judgment on my part. Just an observation about men.

    See today’s blog post for more: Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules and My Advice Might Get You Angry.

    1. 6.1

      I don’t understand how you Ruby can be so offended by this. We can’t please everybody in our responses. Plus this was to Diane not you. Not everything here is supposed to be applicable to you. It this kind of fragile nature in us women that don’t allow us to make it into any higher political office. I’m sure Evan never intended to hurt you in any way. Maybe don’t take it so seriously. Maybe you shouldn’t be so confident in saying ” As an attractive woman over 40, ” When you are so easily offended by something that might not apply to everyone.

  7. 7

    Loved this post – it’s me, except I have just one child! And I’ll be 50 on my next birthday!
    By now, I’ve come to enjoy any free time I get. Yes, it’s nice to have someone to do things with. But I need my space (ah – how many times has that been said to ME!?) too.
    The guy in question lives, literally, next door – in the next apartment building. He is a couple of years older, never married. He’s a sweetie pie, for sure – and adores my 11 year old daughter too. But, and here’s the rub – do I even want a relationship right now? What do I expect to get out of a relationship? A friend? Someone to do things with? Sex? Is it worth “giving up” my “me” time?

  8. 8

    And let me add….I’ve been married three times. Not sure I want to do that again!

    1. 8.1

      And women say guys have trouble with commitment.

  9. 9

    [Excessive] niceness has nothing to do with it, actually. If you were crazy about him, there is nothing you would want more than all this attention. But physically you aren’t particularly attracted, intellectually you aren’t stimulated, the sex is only tepid (and that’s in the very beginning of a relationship when things are usually at their most passionate) – ask yourself, can you see a future with this man?

    There you go.

    1. 9.1

      You hit the nail right on the head!   Thank you ♡

  10. 10

    I married the nice guy, I probly jumped to fast having had two young kids. My kids would ask for a daddy for xmas, I felt pressure at 26 to marry, and felt old for my age having been a mom at 17. I dated alot of mr.wrongs, no job, handsome and they knew it arseholes. I was looking for a nice guy, I found him, then I was attracted to him, now 9 yrs later he let himself go, I just left him for lack of attraction and his constant yelling and complaining and other reasons.. We grew apart, were more friends then lovers. Now the last thing I want is just nice, there has to be a strong physical attraction too. By physical attraction I dont mean drop dead gorgious, you have to find something about him sexy, his smile his eyes, something…Dont marry or settle if you arent 100% in love and lust…I married the first good one that came along and although were friends and he is still a father figure to my girls, I didnt marry my mr. right. You say you can live or without a man, so can we all, but at sometime you have to want to lean on him or you wont every be happy married, you have to give up some of that independence to be a couple. You sound like I did when I married though, I settled, dont do it if your that unsure and doing it because he is so into you, DONT….You have to be happy first before the kids or him. I use to fall for a guy just because he was good with my kids, ohhh he would be a good dad, DONT…Yah that is important to, but you have to sleep with this guys for the rest of your life. I knew when I couldnt say I wanted to be with him FOREVER that he wasnt the man for me, I should be able to say that about someone I am married too…I was happier when he wasnt home then I was with him home, I needed my space and he wanted to be together 24/7. He took offense to the fact that I always liked my space and figured I didnt want to be with him, no I like my alone time, always have…I am a night owl he was a day person, so I stayed up all night to get my alone time…I left home at 15 and raised myself and mom at 17, I was use to my independence and alone time, not that I was ever single for long, but always my own boss, being married and giving up your independence is tough, now I am trying to learn how to be independent again, having just left husband a week ago after 9 yrs, its tough..Good luck, but dont settle just because he is a good guy, lots of them around, you need to know down deep he is the one, he makes your toes curl when he kisses you, cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again….

    1. 10.1

      You sure are picky for a single mom. Your lucky to be getting a jerk let alone a nice guy. No self respecting man want to raise another mans kids.

      1. 10.1.1

        Geesh Danny – I came here to read the comments and find this massively disrespectful post….First being a “guy” what would you know about single motherhood….Secondly who are you to judge another person’s life when you have not walked in their shoes. A single mom doesn’t deserve to desire the BEST for her life? She’s what….damaged goods? And should bow down to the make species and thank her lucky stars any a**hole would want to take her out let alone sleep with her pathetic self? Way to go….restoring my faith the male species…and helping me to take solace in the fact that I dumped your species a long time ago….You’ve made me proud to be a single mom AND a lesbian!

        1. Geenie

          I’m not a lesbian, but Danny’s comment is a good reason to consider the alternatives. Ok, Danny- I didn’t have anything to say until I read that ignorant and narrow minded fodder. Firstly, the atomic family has been nuked, or didn’t you get the memo? Mixed families are a thing of the present. So let me get this straight, say a women is married has three kids, her husband dies. She’s an old maid who should give up hope, marry tom-dick-or-harry because that’s what she deserves and gets, fuck her. How should I feel about men with children? I am young, acceptably attractive…but they are damaged baggage, huh? No room for grey between your black and white? No room for expanding self-awareness, sharing love, going tolerant?

        2. Chiru

          That’s fantastically rude but biologically speaking – a guy raising kids with somebody else’s Y chromosome is not a very successful strategy . So unless we evolve out of the brain manufactured in Savannah and get one made to size for political correctness  – sort of hard to reject Danny’s comment.

        3. JAKE FU

          Sorry… your fault for chasing after the wrong guys for the longest periods of time till you got married and had kids with them…. A very independent young 35 year old female told me this once “once upon a time she was young, beautiful and flirty.. so was her friends as well. Each of these girls had the opportunity to choose whatever kind of men they wanted, and ofcourse they took it for granted and thought the world owed them the best kind of guy; and by best i mean BEST OF THE BEST.. However one of these “best guys came up to them during their 20s and told them. “Enjoy your moments while it lasts cuz when you reach your 30s you’ll all end up being single moms… That prophecy today is the curse that lingers with a lot of other women who make bad choices/decisions in their past.. PLEASE SUCK IT UP ALREADY. The world doesn’t owe you jack shit the same way it doesn’t owe any race for centuries of slavery. A woman posts a comment about how an amazing guy is boring to her.. WHAT IF SHES BORING TO HIM AND THATS WHY HE REFLECTS THAT BACK TO HER.. Why didn’t she try to become a little more fun and light hearted so that her husband would be too.. but ofcourse its always the guys fualt. He’ll put food on the table, craft  the most romanticizing dates, and he YET STILL NEEDS TO BE FUN and be everything else.. Sorry ladies but me and many other men just don’t feel bad nor any kind of sympathy for you for choosing the wrong types of men. WOMEN CHOOSE! MEN PICK

        4. Jay

          How is the truth disrespectful, he is correct.

      2. 10.1.2


        Are u aware that this comment makes u sound narsistic & passive aggressive? . . . Because it does.

        Also, how old are you ?

        Half the population are in relationships with people that have kids to previous.

        Based on ur response (& I happen to agree with Ruby) … Wat if the husband/or wife died. Is that person supposed to stay on their own forever.

        They just little humans. New life.

        How pathetic u just sounded.

        My cousin dies in a car accident at 24 leaving 2 kids with the father (25) … that wud really hurt his feelings & those kids deserve a mummy.

        Just b careful with ur mouth. It cud get u in deep trouble one day

      3. 10.1.3
        J. C.

        Actually a lot of good guys are raising a lot of dead beat father’s children. Why should she give up on her needs? Why is she lucky if she isn’t satisfied or happy? Because she is a single mom she should settle for whatever the cat dragged in gtfo. Your clearly not one of the nice guys or you would be way more understanding and respectful to this woman. If my S/O and I split I would just be single but that is because I really feel I would be happier. Not all women with children need to find a new man but if they want to they have a right to expect what they need to feel fulfilled in their new relationship.

      4. 10.1.4

        It shows exactly how ridiculous western society really has become this day and age when females come onto a story like this, find a comment such as this and immediately set out to insult and degrade the male who made it. As if men have some obligation to immediately assume responsibility for another man’s child. No thanks. Danny didn’t say anything insulting, he just spoke the truth. Ladies, if we men are held accountable for our bad decisions, its only fair that you should be also. You made your bed, now sleep in it.

        1. Mandy

          Actually that wasn’t the comment! The comment was directed at HER settling for some dumb ass jerk, no one said anything about men accepting another child.READ BEFORE COMMENTING.

      5. 10.1.5

        Joseph did it and ended up being step father to “God in the flesh,Jesus” I’m so sorry you probably miss out on alot life has to offer being such a closed minded fool.

  11. 11
    Bitter and twisted

    Well I dated the nice guy for a year. I kept thinking “he has the whole package” but something just didn’t feel right. I was heading for 30 and thought I could make it work. Well, he broke up with me because he felt like I was trying to change him. He hates me now, he completely resents how I treated him. He knows I never loved him and he left me for a “nice” girl. Believe me, nice guys are just as bad as bad boys (except less exciting) when they don’t love you any more. Boy did I learn my lesson. I will never settle again and will only pursue a relationship if I am absolutely sure of my feelings as well as his.

    1. 11.1

      Wow. Why don’t you carefully read what you wrote. You disrespected him treated him like shit you never loved him and his the ass hole? I went through the same woman as ou. Who treated me like shit no respect tried to change me when there is nothing wrong with me in fact I’m ahead of most guys I know. I’m normal good looking yes not perfect. Women are ten times more hypocrite than man. We men and women should learn how to love a person for the person he or she is when we can . My experience women like you put too much emphasize to things that don’t matter.

    2. 11.2
      say it

      well I just dumped this girl I was overly attracted to. she has a child and I was ready to accommodate her. But some of you women over regard yourself. Like the world is your yoyo can of soup.

      Good luck into your future with many nice cats to keep you company.

  12. 12

    Hi ladies,
    just ran into this website – i am a guy and i can say one thing – i notice, that all the responces in favor of diana are ladies whose relationships havent worked out too. Diana, there is no Mr. right dear; if you find yourself searching for Mr. right – it's an indication of you not having matured or grown enough to accomodate people who are less than perfect. you are 28… get serious or you will be left in the cold

    1. 12.1

      Amen! Couldn’t have said this ^ better myself!

    2. 12.2

      I would rather be “in the cold” than in a relationship that feels wrong.

  13. 13

    One major thing that virtually everyone forgot to mention is that people DO CHANGE. A “walkover” today can become a tiger tomorrow. An inexperienced sexual partner today can become a really bad boy/naughty girl over time. When we meet someone, and something doesn’t “click” right away, maybe the conversation isn’t great, he is “boring” sex is not exciting, etc, we tend to project that into the future, and think that the situation will ALWAYS be like that. Nothing could be further from the truth. Otherwise, most of us will never get auto insurance, because most rookie drivers tend to make the most driving mistakes.
    I still believe that one of the major reasons why people remain single is because they simply are not ready to commit, not because there are no suitable partners. And they are not ready to commit because there are far TOO MANY choices available. And we have too many choices because of the availability of technology.

  14. 14

    Jenny..I agree with your post and especially ‘ cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again’ this a big sign.

    We know the blinding light,the red hot passion fades a little in long term relationships,but it should still be there should still occurr..if its gone all together ,then work needs to be done. If you’re at the start of a relationship and you dont feel this way   ,after ofcourse you’ve given it a good chance then I  guess it could go either and you either decide to give it a go with what is there or not. I was married for 21 years but with my ex for 28 years,we had it all but sadly the last 7 years it all went,bar the friendship and love that goes with that   ,which we still have. I have dated a few men over the last 8 years ,one  where my first insticnt was NO ..but after chatting with my girl friends who said i was being shallow..I decided to give things more time. We live an hour apart so saw each other a few times a month,we had nice times and sex was good,i never felt any great bond or desire ,he however was in love ,he told me this after 8 weeks..i said woo and that i couldnt say the same,anyway long story short,we continued this what i would call friends with benefits relationship until earlier this year..I just couldnt do it any more ,he loved me but it came across as desperate to please,too compliant,always put himself last ,always needed  me to choose say a meal before him,then he would choose the same as began to irritate me and that seemed unfair on him.He treat me so well probably better than any man,but his always wanting or needing to please felt constricting,like i couldnt  breathe and unatural. I know i could have had a good life ,been looked after,had whatever i wanted,but at what cost..for me the most important thing in a couple relationship is feelings,doesnt matter what they give you,what they do for you,what they say…if  I dont feel that ‘bit’ then its  not right for me(obviously after Ive given things   time to be sure’)   And yes i do wonder if i made a mistake should i have just stuck it out and enjoyed what i was getting,feelings may have got better, i might have grown to ignore what irritated me,what bored me,    after all relationships are compromise but no i have to be true to me and i just didnt feel that extra bit for him..sad but i trust my feelings .
    Good luck its a tough one ..head..heart..we need both to be aligned at least 80% of the time :))  

  15. 15
    Paul M

    Never settle! Love is worth it! It’s unfair on him and on you to keep this going.

  16. 16
    patriarchal landmine

    two questions being asked in this post:
    “am I crazy?”
    “for wanting to [do whatever]”
    still yes.

  17. 17

    I say dump him and put him out of his missery for being with someone like you. Once you do he’ll think and wonder what went wrong when he gave his heart and love and he’ll turn cold and black and go his own way. Messing around with women half your age and FAR prettier than you because YOU didn’t like nice. Turn him into that stereotypical bad boy that you long for but you’ll never get from him because you opened his eyes to how horrible women like you are. So after he breaks a few hearts to make up for what you did to him, he’ll teach other women to be addicted to that bad boy who can’t do anything for them. And continue the visious cycle.
    So congrats woman. Turns out after all… YOU are the reason why there are no nice guys. Enjoy your cats and borderline personality disorder 🙂

    1. 17.1

      I have been the person you describe here, Chris, and I found I didn’t like that person at all. I have returned to being the nice guy I always was at heart, and I am, of course suffering for it. I have NO problem getting sex when I am single, but it either goes no further than that, or it appears to go further, but I end up getting used. I still endure this, however, because if I lose the ability to open up, and let a woman in, I will never have that level of closeness that I very much want above and beyond the sex, and companionship.

      1. 17.1.1

        Yay! Buckfuster is the acclaimed “Nice guy with balls”!

    2. 17.2

      I love it 🙂 never truer words told brother.

    3. 17.3

      If a man were to change and turn into the stereotypical bad boy after being dumped by a woman, then he has effectively let a woman dictate how he lives his life. Worst  method of “revenge”  ever.

    4. 17.4

      What’s wrong with you guys, a bunch of bitter whiny brats.oh let me guess, you got dumped and you thought you were such a nice guy.TOO BAD, just because your boring doesn’t mean your nice.We will continue going after real nice men that actually are men!! Nice has NOTHING to do with it! He’s boring and there’s no chemistry does not mean she wants a BAD boy! All the stereotypes are making me sick.

    5. 17.5


  18. 18

    Wow Chris 19 and what else are you suggesting she can do – keep him when she’s not into him because he’s nice?   How is that helping either of them?   Make herself fall in love with him?   It sounds like she wishes she could.   Stay with him out of pity or fear of hurting him? That’s not really doing him any favors.   I don’t understand your bitterness towards the poster.   It’s called dating.   That’s what you do in dating – go out with them and see if you can make it work.   If not you do the responsible thing and break it off.   The OP is actually being very responsible writing in for advice to make sure she can make the most informed decision.
    And regarding this turning nice guys into mean ones, if you can so easily turn a man’s fundamental character, he probably didn’t have the greatest sense of self to begin with and not that great of a catch.   A guy with balls would learn from his heartbreak and move on, not blame all women kind for his problems and seek to purposely hurt the next woman that comes along.    

    1. 18.1

      As I mentioned above, I am a nice guy who was treated very poorly by several women in a row, and it made me very bitter, angry, and cynical for a number of years. I had to become a hermit, and regain a love for myself before I could get back to being the nice guy I am at core. I have noticed a callousness in so many women these days. I have been strung along and used by ones I have dated, and abused by one that I had married and ended up divorcing. I think that many women believe that all the effort in a relationship should come from the man, with minimal effort, if any, on their end. To make a guy think he has a chance, and to string him along thinking that you have deeper feelings for him than you do just because of all the nice things he does for you is beyond wrong. It makes a guy feel used, betrayed, and like some toy, or object that the woman seems to think is ok just to throw away when they get tired of it. When most nice guys decide to commit to someone, they are “all in”, and will go that extra mile to make the woman happy, but keeping a guy for selfish reasons, and not letting him know exactly where he stands at all times is reprehensible. If you are very clear at every stage with a guy on where you are at in the relationship, you might find that you have more peaceful breakups, and possibly will be able to keep the guy as a friend afterward. If you aren’t straightforward, and communicating openly and honestly, expect anger, resentment, and an end to any niceness coming from them ever again.

      1. 18.1.1

        All I’m hearing is a lot of “blah blah blah I have bad taste in women and it’s their fault blah blah blah”.

      2. 18.1.2

        boo fuc***g hoooooo – welcome to the life of a woman !!!   Like I have been told many a time – MAN UP!!!!

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you ladies that there’s a lot of “boo fuc***ing hoo” in these comments from women who have bad taste in men. Any reason you don’t offer similar commentary to them?

      3. 18.1.3

        Exactly. Don’t treat people like commodities. It’s not okay to take someone for a test drive… and that appears to be the whole mentality behind dating. It’s selfish, and I find it disgusting. It’s very hurtful and unfair to those that genuinely invest in their relationships.

        1. ray-ray

          help me here. i agree that its not fair to take someone for a testdrive as i know i would feel used after that. but, how else do you know if you want to be with someone or not unless you get to know them? i respect a guy that would be open and honest and tell me if its not working for him. that way we can move along like   mature adults. also, i can decide whether his feedback would change me for the better or if it goes against my core character. then i too, can make an informed decision.

      4. 18.1.4

        What buckfuster’s talking about is exactly true. I’ve always been an independent male… Once i fell in love with a woman i considered to be a soul mate, infact way more than that.. We were exact COPIES of each other.. I did everything for her and always put her foot first in front of mine because she was going through a lot of personal issues. Not because the relationship was my ultimate goal, but because I felt the need to  treat  her as I treated myself: With self respect and dignity. She dumped me (Her only best friend) because I was too nice, seemed too clingy and etc.. 6 months later she comes back with teary eyes about our  connection together and wants to try again.. I’m guessing whatever guy she was seeing then broke her heart and dumped her. It was painful for me to reject her although every ounce of my body wanted to help her through the pain. But i slammed the door on her, and hopefully i never get to  see her again.

    2. 18.2

      Yeah that’s what my mom did. Try and hurt people after getting hurt. That’s what psychopaths do.

  19. 19

    If he bores you, for heaven’s sake, leave him.   Some other woman might find a reliable and relatively attractive man sweet and charming.

  20. 20

    This just infuriates me for some reason. Why do so many women continually want to be “challenged”? Like, what is that? Why are you trying to compete with someone who would literally destroy you in the blink of an eye? You realize that the stronger/smarter the guy is, the more he has to restrain himself around you, right? Stop picking fights and just enjoy what he’s offering you if you like him. If you don’t like him, what are you doing anyway? You’re 28 and you still don’t know what you want? Grow up!

    Relationships are NOT a contest to see who can care the least. Get that out of your heads — it’s ridiculous.

    1. 20.1

      Being bored occasionally is fine. Being reminded by a man that he could literally destroy me is not. Threatening women with your physical strength is dealbreaker trait IMO

      1. 20.1.1

        I think you’re reading what you want to read and not what I wrote.

        If you’re dating a guy, chances are he’s bigger/stronger/tougher than you, and if you’re with him, he’s probably at least as smart as you. If he doesn’t engage you when you push his buttons, he’s probably just saving you some embarrassment. So either get comfortable being with someone who wants to be on your team, or stop dating, because you’re not really looking for a relationship.

        1. Julia

          Well boy, I never said I’m into pushing buttons. I was responding to you talking about how you could destroy someone physically. I’d like to think the men I am out with don’t think “Man I could destroy her physically.” That’s creepy.

        2. James


          The “you” here is implied to be a “hypothetical you” and since your name isn’t anywhere in my original post, maybe you could do me a favor and assume that I’m talking about people that ARE into pushing buttons. And if the man you’re with doesn’t think he could “destroy you physically” then he’s either right (if he could) or he’s wrong (if he couldn’t). I won’t tell you how to feel though (about whether or not that’s creepy).

    2. 20.2

      Any man who has the thought that he could “literally destroy” a woman he is with is terribly disturbed. I would steer clear of anyone from whom I got the faintest whiff of this type of mentality. Frightening. You seem to have some tremendous anger problems.  

    3. 20.3
      Caroline R

      James, we’re not all like this. In fact I don’t know any healthy women with integrity who have that “challenge” mindset at all. The biggest players are narcissists and constantly create drama. They feed off the drama. My sister and one of my former friends were like this. My sister still is: her husband is on his way to morbid obesity after many years of being involved with her twisted abusive reality. They both enjoy the misfortune of others. I keep well away from them.

      I’ve had to learn what a healthy relationship and friendship feels like. I didn’t experience those growing up. One day I asked one of my senior-citizen male patients for his advice. At the time I was 30 yrs old, and seeing a perfectly good man. I explained to my patient “on paper, he is perfect. I don’t understand, is this as good as it gets?” He was handsome, intelligent, wealthy, unassuming, and shared my faith values. He picked me up in his BMW and took me out for dinner. I just didn’t want to rip his clothes off. The advice that came was that it doesn’t matter if he’s good on paper, if there’s no spark and passion from the beginning, then you can’t force the feelings, or manufacture   a them. You shouldn’t have to. He told me that men don’t make that mistake, they always know immediately when there’s a spark, and without it there’s no pursuit. He also advised me to set this perfectly good man free to be someone else’s. I found it great counsel.

      I also came to realise that I didn’t know who I was yet, an adult daughter of a narcissist mother. It’s been a long process of becoming, and then from authenticity, attracting the right man for the real me. If I’d been married in my early 20’s as I’d planned, I would have been divorced, or maybe suicidal. Who knows?

      It seems that a lot of people aren’t ready in their 20’s and 30’s for a successful commitment, and LTR. Their being not ready yet is nothing to do with their potential love-interest, it’s just life. It’s human development.

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