I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Evan Marc Katz

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Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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160 Comments »Filed Under Sex

160 Responses to “I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.”

1. Amelia 1

   Evan, sorry, but this is like the world’s worst answer. First of all, you compare stopping sex to cutting off car privileges??? Did I miss something here? There is no comparison.
   Second of all, this woman does not owe this guy sex. You talk like, this guy is totally entitled to have sex with this woman, well guess what Evan – they’re not married!! I direct you to this line again – they’re not married!! If they were, I would say, yes, he is totally entitled to have sex from her. Maybe there is no real commitment on his part and that is what is also why she is making this decision. I think you should rethink this answer. You make it sound like she is a prostitute and he’s her pimp. Seriously! Again, they are not married – she does not owe him a thing.

2. Honey 2

   Yeah, I don’t get this at all. But then again, I’m an atheist who’s happily been having pre-marital sex for 12 or 13 years…

3. Jennifer 3

   Evan,
   Were you in a bad mood when you wrote this? You seem to be laying on the sarcasm thicker than normal with someone who came to you for advice.

   FWIW, I have no problem with pre-marital sex and agree that changing the rules of the game in the middle is unfair to her boyfriend. This issue may be a sign that they are going on different paths and may no longer be right for each other.

   On the other hand, the girlfriend is not wrong if she has a sudden desire to follow more ‘rules’ (as some people interpret them) from the Bible, whether that be not engaging in sex outside of the confines of marriage, not getting drunk or not doing any work on the Sabbath. To each their own.
   She is wrong though, imo, for being surpised that her boyfriend is not anxious to jump on this bandwagon with her and for just assuming he would. Once her life choices start to effect him, as this one does, he gets a say in the matter.

   So I don’t really disagree with you Evan, I just think you were pretty mean about it. In case you cared

4. david 4

   Evan’s answer does make sense — esp. when he’s trying to see the situation and (lack of) logic through a guy’s — more specifically — her guy’s eyes.
   Like that Chris Rock bit, “A man cannot go back sexually, a woman cannot go back in lifestyle.” (Kill The Messenger)

5. Sharia 5

   First off, Yasmin never said anywhere in what was posted that she was a Christian (you said someting about the New Testament, which is Christian). She may be, but you cannot assume that. Many non-Christian religions/spiritual practices advise celebacy. And Yasmin is an Arabic name, so she could be Muslim. Also, the “Church” refers specifically to the Catholic Church–besides not saying she was Christian, she certainly never indicated that she was Catholic. Neither did she say that she was doing this for religious reasons–she said that she is doing it to get closer to God. And even further–she never said anywhere in what was posted that the sex was good.

   So, given your misunderstanding of where she is coming from, your advice is way off, in my book.

   I applaud Yasmin’s decision to follow the dictates of her heart and listen to her spiritual calling. I also urge her to ignore your uninformed advice. One misstep on her part–besides writing to this site, which I doubt will be sympathetic to her situation–she cannot make others follow the dictates of her heart, and a spiritual calling is usually a private matter between oneself and however one defines “God.” True, others might join us in our callings, but generally speaking, they are subjective experiences. So she cannot impose her beliefs on her boyfriend. He may be just fine with premarital sex, and he may be fine with her reversal on the matter, even if he’s finding it difficult in practice. He may have issues himself with premarital relations (if he has a religious/spiritual practice similar to hers, let’s say) and he may be happy that she is setting the boundary. Or her reversal might be a deal-breaker for him.

   If hers is a true calling, she can accept any of those scenarios. If he is not in agreement with her and decides to leave the relationship, perhaps it is because there is someone more appropriate for her waiting in the wings.

   And here’s another news flash: Having sex with someone for a few months does not give them ongoing access to your body–not even in a marriage, and certainly not outside of it. Each person decides for herself what are the appropriate conditions under which she will have sex, and things can change. And yes, when things change, the partner may leave. You accept that, and this is what being true to oneself is all about. Other people have the right to be true to themselves. (Which brings us back to the discussion with Lorianne–if she doesn’t want to be married to a guy who has online affairs, she gets to leave. Who is going to stop her? Karl?)

   Men leave women all the time because they just “have to have” some kind of sexual experience–that is their right, and we all know this based on the scores of men who do it everyday. Let’s not suggest that a woman has to keep putting out and give up her spiritual pursuits just to keep her guy. Really. Such backwards thinking.

6. Marc 6

   Yasmin,
   I think you’re about to become single. Do the next dude a favor and tell him exactly where you stand on sex, so he knows what he’s getting himself into.

7. Evan Marc Katz 7

   Thanks for echoing my point, Sharia. She can absolutely follow her true calling… she can also potentially lose her boyfriend in the process. That’s why she was writing me the email; because she was afraid of doing so.

   I don’t blame Yasmin for putting religion first. I point out the inconsistency of her stance from a lay person’s (and maybe her boyfriend’s) point of view. Now that she sees another side to the story, she will be fully informed about making the right decision for her.

   You don’t have to agree with my point of view to agree that it’s a valid point of view.

8. Sharia 8

   @6: What makes me see your view as not valid is your apparent ignorance about religion/spiritual matters and, by extension of that, your mocking tone toward her beliefs. Who is invalidating whom here?

   Also, the phrase “lay person” refers to 1) someone who is not a member of the clergy or 2) someone who does not have specialized knowledge. It does not refer to someone who has no general knowledge and, coincidentally, a bias against something.

9. Sharia 9

   My comments in 8 were directed toward EMK@7, not Marc@6.

10. JuJu 10

    No sympathy from me either. This is bait and switch! You can’t change the rules of the game in the middle of the game.

    If a man I was with suddenly discovered god… well, I personally am not a good example – any kind of religious adherence is a deal-breaker for me, but sex-wise, if we suddenly stopped having it, that would be the end of the relationship. After all, what do I even need a man for??

    The folks who are defending the letter writer seem to be forgetting that we are talking about the type of relationship that’s based on sex. If you just want someone to spend time with, hang out with your friends.

11. Korovi 11

    I think Evan is right on the money here (religious affiliation assumptions aside). Sounds like the girlfriend wants to dangle the sex carrot in front of the guy so he proposes. Nowhere in her letter does she say that they decided to get married, so her boyfriend can see it as a desperate ploy to “push him over the edge.” Believe me, any hot-blooded male will see through it and is likely to walk away. In his mind he’ll wonder, “What if I get married to her and one day she decides that we will no longer have sex until [insert the desired result to be achieved before renewing sex here].” That’s a scary thought for a guy. Believe me “bait and swithch” technique never works long-term. Those of us who are realists (Evan included), sex for a guy is like talking is for a girl – very important in a relationship. Yasmin, imagine if your boyfriend decided in January that he no longer wants to talk to you until you get married?

12. Korovi 12

    BTW, I am a woman.

13. Sally 13

    I agree with Evan’s take on this. She may have asked for guidance from her clergy, but I don’t recall seeing it in her letter. She asked for advice from a dating coach how her boyfriend might react. She got an honest straight forward answer. Just because it didn’t sound considerate of her new found religious convictions is beside the point. What did you want Evan to say? Good for you Yasmin. Go ahead and confuse the heck out of your boyfriend. No, she doesn’t owe him sex like one poster wrote. But 10 months into a relationship I assume there is love and some commitment. She does owe him some consideration for HIS feelings and wants and needs too.

14. Sally 14

    Oops I forgot to write this at the end…. 10 months into a relationship, sex isn’t just sex. It’s intimacy, sharing, some might even say a spiritual connection with the person you are committed to. If her boyfriend feels that way, he has every right to balk at her unilateral decision to remove that aspect of their relationship.

15. Katherine 15

    I agree with Evan 100% as well – this is about consistency. Re-read her post – She didn’t say she confessed her sins and swore herself to celibacy, but even if she did rethink her faith – then that alone is something that can drive a wedge in a marriage bound relationship. This has nothing to do with sex, but with her possible tendency to change like the wind, and change the rules mid-game. Not someone I would call stable or self-aware, and in fact might even be manipulative. (sex-carrot dangling) BTW -marriage doesn’t guarantee sex, either! That carrot can keep on moving. This guy just might run, and have good reason that has nothing to do with sex specifically.

16. Diana 16

    Yasmin, do I feel that you have taken it too far? No, because the best one can ever do is follow what feels right to them. But it’s also not fair to your boyfriend to introduce such a change in your relationship and expect him to freely get on board with you. This life heart decision that you are making will give him pause to do the same, and that is to be respected, too.

    Are you willing to accept the risk that you may lose your boyfriend for waiting until marriage to be intimate again, in order to support your new belief? Are you willing to accept the risk that if you decide to continue to behave in a way that does not feel right to you that your relationship may wither on the vine regardless, due to tension, resentment, guilt, unhappiness, betraying your values, losing respect for yourself?

    My personal belief is that if your boyfriend truly loves you, and believes you are the one, true woman he wants to marry, and depending on how you have presented and discussed this issue with him, he will be willing to wait until marriage.

    Only you can determine what you are willing to sacrifice, should it come down to that. Nothing in life is free. Listen to your heart, and very carefully, I might add. An amazing relationship is not something to lightly toss aside, as you know.

17. Honey 17

    Whoever said she never said the sex was good clearly missed the part where she explicitly states it’s AMAZING.

    And while obviously each partner always gets to determine under what circumstances s/he will/will not have sex, most people reasonably expect that the circumstances under which they’ve been operating over the majority of the relationship will continue. So if you’ve been having sex for a year and then suddenly don’t want to have it any more until you’re married (which is how long in the future…?) that’s a pretty radical change. Similarly, if you used to be really lean and jog 3-5 times a week and suddenly stop and gain 30 lbs., it’s not necessarily shallow or “because you’re fat” that he loses interest, it’s because you stopped being the person he fell in love with.

    So just as the boyfriend shouldn’t hold it against her that she wants to be closer to her idea of god, she shouldn’t hold it against him if he wants to leave her because that’s incompatible with his value system and his understanding of their relationship. Question, though – if he leaves her over this, and she starts dating someone else, is she not going to have sex until she gets married, or would she do the same thing all over again? Her answer to that question would tell us a LOT…

18. Sophie 18

    I agree with Evan wholeheartedly and actually really enjoyed the ‘car privileges’ analogy.
    If the poster has been having sex with her boyfriend for 10 months, I do think it’s a lot to ask of him to just turn to celibacy until they get married. Like someone else said, she hasn’t even mentioned if they’ve talked about marriage yet or if a proposal is even close. Who knows how long it will be before a marriage even takes place?
    It’s great that she’s decided to be more religious and closer to God, but that’s a choice she made and now she’s asking her boyfriend to support her choice for reasons he may or may not agree with. If he’s not religious, I can still see how he may respect her choice, but even then, if he doesn’t agree with it then the lack of sex might be a deal breaker.

19. Sharia 19

    I know several men who would respect Yasmin for her decision and would see her as a better partner for it. Perhaps her boyfriend is one of them. We don’t know anything about him, so let’s not assume that he’s only with her for sex–if they have enough intimacy to have sex, then perhaps they have enough intimacy to not have sex if the circumstances are not appropriate for one of them at this time. Being able to abstain and remain faithful is a sign of true intimacy and commitment.

20. Jennifer 20

    @Sally #13
    fwiw, I can’t see myself staying in a sexless relationship until marriage and if I were the boyfriend I’d be royally pissed.

    But it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Evan made some good points, but she may not get it because he came off as so dismissive.

    She may focus on the ‘you’re stupid for the revelation you had’ part rather than the ‘you are being unfair to your boyfriend by assuming he should go along with a change in the rules of engagement at this stage’ part. To help the letter writer, she’s got to be able to hear the advice, and a lot of sarcasm can get in the way of that.

21. Paul 21

    Evan see’s it the way he does because he is not a man of God. The fact of the matter is God is extremely clear on this sunject…no sex before marriage. Weather you want to follow it is your own business, but it is very clear, and for some very sound reasons. Yasmin has every right to stop having sex with her partner, and yes it will lead her getting closer to God and I applaud her for that very mature decision. But Yasmin, don’t expect much agreement from this crowd – made up of mostly liberals – but rest assured that if you decide on this for your life, you will not only be closer to God, but your obedience WILL be rewarded…it always is. You will be blessed, and your marriage will be blessed, and if your boyfriend isn’t on board with it, dump him like a hot rock (no pun intended). He is obviously not a man of God and if you marry him, you will be unequally yoked and that is trouble. And oh, by the way, if you don’t sleep with the man you are going to marry (and who can’t wait a year or so for a whole lifetime of God sanctioned sex – after all, he’s the one who invented it!), then don’t buy into the argument that you have to test drive the other person in bed to see if you two work well together in the bedroom…if you follow Gods plan and don’t ever have sex, your sex life will be blessed after marriage. Have faith. He know’s how difficult it is and you will be blessed and highly favored if you follow His grand design.

22. InaccessibleRail 22

    @ Paul, 21:
    I hate the way that people assume liberals are Godless and immoral. There IS a religious left in this country. We may be small in number, but we DO exist. Being a conservative does not make you a good person–I could fill a book with examples illustrating this. If Jesus came back today, I think he would be just as displeased with the conservatives as the liberals.

    Romans 3:23 makes no mention of politics.

23. Sally 23

    Judgemental much, Paul?

24. Sally 24

    Oh, I am a conservative, by the way.

25. Jared Meyer 25

    I believe it’s difficult to give specific advice about things related to religion when both parties don’t share identical values and beliefs. Evan, what would you have written had she mentioned that her God TOLD her that she should refrain from physical intimacy in 2010? Would you have answered her questions in the same tone? Would you have used logic?
    Sure, your response could have been more diplomatic, compassionate and generalized like, “Whatever personal preferences/activities/contributions you withhold in your relationship (cause), are you prepared and willing to accept the possible consequences (effect)?” Not much controversy there, huh. You certainly spiced things up!
    I know little about the multiple religions and over 30,000 gods that have been documented, but I bet those who believe in the God of their choice do so based on emotions (love, fear, etc.) and not logic.
    Offering logical advice to someone who has a emotional relationship with their God is like offering a vegan a turkey sandwich. Love can’t be logical, can it?

26. Selena 26

    Perhaps Yasmin would best be able to focus on exploring her relationship with God without the distraction of a relationship with a man – sexual or otherwise. Time spent without the boyfriend on any terms would likely bring clarity as to what is really important to her.

27. JuJu 27

    Uh, InaccessibleRail, you had me until the second sentence. :-

    Godless != immoral or somehow unethical. And vice versa.

28. InaccessibleRail 28

    @27
    Never said the two things were equivalent, equal or in any way the same. That’s why I mentioned both–I wanted to make explicit the understanding that the two CAN be separate. (It’s kind of like saying “I’m tired of everyone thinking oranges are tasty and sour.” Some people see both attributes as positive, and some see one as very good and one as very bad. But one certainly does not imply the other!)

    I know plenty of atheists who are upstanding human beings, and plenty of people who use the banner of God to advance an agenda based on hate. A lot of Christians like to think that they have the market cornered on being “good people,” but in the end, none of us are perfect, and in many cases the relationship between religiousity and morality (not to even get into the subjectiveness of both) seems spurious at best.

29. HRGoddess 29

    If she is that committed to getting “closer to god” by cutting of sex with her boyfriend then she needs to be ready to accept the consequences… good or bad. Whatever will be will be and no advice is going to change that… unless she is just not that committed and using it as a dangling carrot for a marriage proposal.

30. Adrienne 30

    Yasmin, I am not sure exactly what kind of a believer you are so I am just going to assume “born again”. You have already committed yourself to a relationship with (I am assuming here again) a non-believer. Sex aside…..does he understand how committed you are to what you believe? Does he believe as you do? If you have children, what faith will you raise them in? Do you want a partner that prays with you? A partner that applies what you believe in in their life too? Looking ahead….you might think about the relationship in the future…..even if he is “ok” with you not having sex with him. Lots of questions to answer and possible problems ahead. Honestly you committed to having sex with him and now backing out….I can understand him questioning it all. If you really want this man, then just go marry the guy and you can have all the sex you want, anytime – anywhere, guilt free.
    You gave it a good try in the beginning holding out but you should have kept it up. You confused him and now torturing yourself. Even though I really like Evan and think he has great advice and a good motivator….this really isn’t his bag, like he said. Talk to your pastor or spiritual leader which ever the case may be. Think it over before you make a committment that is meant for life. Wishing you well…I hope God speaks to your heart….you need to listen.

31. anette 31

    @Paul #21

    Those “liberals” that you seem to disdain don’t respond to your religions promises of reward/punishment, reward/punishment, reward/punishment. We are more than pavlov’s dogs and trying to manipulate humans by telling them what their reward is going to be if they are ‘good little humans” infantiles humanity as a whole.

    Having said that, I am of the mind that if you want to wait for sex before marriage, then this is not a bad thing in and of itself for reasons that have nothing to do with God. Being inconsistant however, is cause for concern.

    I doubt your BF’s issue is going to be waiting for sex, if he really loves you. The concern he may have is wether or not you will during your married life together ignore his feelings on this matter and do what you believe is right for yourself and do this again.

    Sex is very important to a man in a relationship. Not just because he has a lot of testosterone and sexual tension, but because it is how he feels close to you. Withhold it, deny it beyond a few normal moments of really not being in the mood and you will hurt his feelings, and he will feel lonely.

    If you are wanting to do this, then I would make it very clear that this is a one time deal. The only time you will ever do this, is prior to the wedding. But honestly, no matter what you say he is now going to be concerned. What if you decided due to a religious belief, that you needed to not have sex for 2years, because your clergyman decided it was the correct penance for some percieved sin? What if you decided that you were having too much sex and it was keeping you away from God?

    Knowing that you can turn your sex life off, at a moments notice regardless of how he feels is something he will now be thinking about. He will struggle to support that for an entire lifetime. You’ll have to find some-way of letting him know this is the only time you will forgo sex for a significant period of time. You can’t just turn sex off like it’s some tiny little part of your relationship.

    You also might want to ask yourself, how exactly IS this going to make you closer to God?

32. Cathy Elliss 32

    Wow – I only scrolled through the first few and all atheists!!!

    Well from experience it is possible – and so hard!!! We may be Christian but not dead – of course our desires are there and the struggle between the man we love and God is a tough one – at least it has been for me and others I know.

    I suggest living in a different place or at least limit physical proximity – and prayer with fasting does lead to miracles – even in this area!!!

    God bless!

33. Lushka 33

    Sharia @5:
    “Neither did she say that she was doing this for religious reasons she said that she is doing it to get closer to God.”

    Since when does doing something to get “closer to god” not count as religious reasons??? Did I just miss the point of religion!!!???

34. Steve 34

    Sex positive, Dan Savage reading, atheist here.
    Yasmin, if you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to justify it or your religion to anyone. Your boyfriend, also, is completely justified if he doesn’t want to play along.
    A friendly breakup might be a good thing if this new level of religion in your life is permanent. You will want to be with a man who shares your faith.
    Your boyfriend will also want to be with a woman who he doesn’t see as being significantly more religious than he is as well as one who isn’t going to unilaterally decide to end his sex life.
    Good luck either way.

35. Steve 35

    I’m really jealous of the pithy way Marc expresses my opinion better than I do

36. Mara 36

    Good luck with that. As soon as your boyfriend stops grumbling, be worried b/c he’s getting it from somewhere else.

37. Suzanne 37

    Oh man. Not the Sex-Outside-Of-Marriage-Is-Immoral thing again. Is this argument ever going to get old? Doesn’t adulthood mean we accept responsibility for making our own difficult moral decisions instead of handing it over to God to set down the rules? Believe it or not, there are sound, moral, spiritual, even religious people who accept that sexual expression between two consenting adults is not a moral issue. It’s a form of affection, and at its highest potential it is an expression of love. End of Story. And marriage is not a moral issue, either! It’s a lifestyle choice, a pact made between two adults which carries with it certain legal obligations, depending on where you live and mostly regarding property, and whatever else the couple chooses to bring to the relationship in hopes of making it last.

    Yasmin, what I’m wondering is whether what you’re actually struggling with is whether you’ve made the right decision in a partner? And as a result of that uncertainty, you’re falling back on an old familiar support system, your religious faith, in hopes of it providing a clear, unambigious answer? Or an escape hatch, an easy way out. The problem with that is that intimate relationships are complex and dicey and riddled with ambiguity a lot of the time. In fact, all of life is like that. And regardless of what judgmental fundamentalists of any particular religion would like you to believe, there is no clear, unwavering path for what you “should” do and there are no guarantees in any of it. It’s a crapshoot.

    As for the liberal-godless vs. conservative-holier issue: Thank you “Inaccessible Rail – #22″ …but I would add that I’m also sick to death of having god-worship equated with being a good human being, because I know some pretty creepy, immoral people who claim religious devotion. Face it, it’s humans, not god, who are responsible for what goes on here on Earth. And I’d rather set my values by my own moral compass and what I know inately or have learned from life experience is the right and wrong way to treat others. It’s called accountability, and it’s got nothing to do with politics or the dogma of any religion. Or whether you have sex now, or after marriage, or after dinner, or never. Enjoy!

38. starthrower68 38

    Yet another example of how we have to be proactive on this sort of thing. This why you need to date someone with the same values and beliefs, be they spiritual, fiancial, familial, etc. If you don’t want to have premarital sex you should be in relationship with someone who shares that view, and you need to know that before getting deeply involved with them. I’m always amazed at the number of people who believe one way about something, then are all of the sudden suprised when their partner doesn’t share that belief. Life doesn’t just happen to us, we are to take charge of it in as much as we can. Communication is a beautiful thing.

39. starthrower68 39

    It happens in reverse, too; I will get a contact from a guy on a dating site that doesn’t pay attention to what I clearly put on my profile, then is suprised when my values don’t line up with his, as if I’m supposed to change.

40. Jennifer 40

    Cathy #32- I’m not an atheist.

41. Cathy Elliss 41

    Wow – I just got in from being out all day and the conversation is going thick and strong.

    A few people are equating getting closer to God as being religious – and for some it is one and the same however to love God and know him means to seek after him and does not necessarily mean to join a group of religious people where they may act all pious by attending services, saying their prayers for everyone to hear but who do practice their own preaching. For many it is about being genuine and choosing to live with integrity ie no double standards. By walking the talk, we can be an example of how life does not have to be so complicated.

    Some comments also mention that practicing a religious faith implies not having a great sex life. God created sex as part of the two becoming one in marriage and that is amazing. Song of Songs from the Old Testament has some of the most beautiful images of true love expressed in a physically intimate setting. Gotta love those gazelles

42. Ed 42

    Evan is spot on – Ladies stop pretending that it is ok to use sex as a religious paradox, bargaining chip or battle axe to get what you want from a partner. She wants him to commit to something and this strategy has more fatal flaws than a Union Carbide chemical plant in Bhopol India. He should bring home a prostitute every Thursday night to answer the religious call of the sex drive that God gave him.

43. Jane 43

    Yasmin,
    You say: He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it.
    Of course he is just saying it. Not many men would prefer it. It, as you can see from the prior posters, quite probably isn’t his choice. If he is willing to comply with your wishes, he is an amazing man. But don’t expect him to change his thinking, feelings or desires too! That is way way too controlling. He right to be who he is and use his god-given mind to make his own choices.

44. BeenThruTheWars 44

    Strictly from a pragmatic point of view. When a man stops having sex with a woman he’s been sexual with for a while, it often means he’s losing interest. Yasmin risks her boyfriend interpreting her new edict as a loss of interest and thus moving on.

45. Steve 45

    Can we STOP discussing Yasmin and get back to bickering about perceptions of the religious, non-religious, etc?

46. Shay 46

    I totally agree with Amelia (#1). They are NOT married. Yasmin DOES NOT OWN the man ANYTHING.

    If the man thinks that being with Yasmin is not only about sex, then he will stay. If he thinks being with Yasmin is more than sex, he will leave.

    If he respects and accepts Yasmin’s new found belief, he will stay. If not, he will leave.

    If the relationship is built on just sex, I can’t imagine what happens when one day Yasmin is not able to have sex anymore. Like she met with an accident, a family tragedy, etc. Would the man be able to stand by her?

    I think Yasmin would have to have a good talk with the man to explain what her new belief means to her. If she cuts off sex and the man cuts her off. This man is not a keeper.

47. JuJu 47

    #46: That’s some faulty logic.

48. Sally 48

    Shay, wow. You make it sound like her boyfriend is just some pig after sex and doesn’t care for her at all, which you have NO way of knowing. Yasmin’s letter sounds like she is in a caring relationship, which means probably sex is more than “just sex”, it’s intimacy, which is not so easy to just “cut off”, for either a man or a woman. Jeez, cut the guy some slack! It sounds like he really is trying to understand her!

49. starthrower68 49

    I’m going to reiterate that this is a textbook example of why you date or be in a relationship with someone that has the same values on faith and other core beliefs that you do. Now granted, I remember Evan saying that his wife is Catholic and there are probably things with regard to that which made them compatible that we would not be privy too, but as a general rule of thumb, you’d better have communicated on these issues before you get engaged.

50. starthrower68 50

    @ Ed….wow….just – wow….

51. dallas dating 51

    I think when things change, the partner may leave. You accept that, and this is what being true to oneself is all about. Other people have the right to be true to themselves. (Which brings us back to the discussion with Lorianne if she doesn’t want to be married to a guy who has online affairs, she gets to leave.

52. Selena 52

    I think you’re right Starthrower. This is rather an opportunity for the guy to determine if he shares, or is willing to share Yasmin’s values. Maybe he is who knows. It’s also his opportunity to see how easily she can change her values if she chooses. For example, say after they have been married for awhile she decides God only approves of sex when it’s strictly for pro-creation. Unless theyare trying for kid #2,3,4 ….no sex because sex simply for pleasure is a sin.

    I’d be very wary of continuing a relationship with this woman if I were her boyfriend.

53. Steve 53

    @ 49
    It reads like Yasmin and her BF started off with similar values, but that she got more religious during the relationship.

    Perfectly fine, sometimes people just change in ways that are incompatible with their relationships.

54. Shalini 54

    I completely agree with Evan’s advice.. Because one Yasmin asked form advice from a dating coach here so obviously he is supposed to reply from that point of view rather than advising like the clergy! That would be completely wrong.
    And since it is a relationship advice and she must have asked this question for that reason i guess if you put yourself into a relationship where your boy friend/girlfriend suddenly decides to do something that concerns you both and not care about your opinion you will see that the other person is basically being selfish!
    And i think the car example is a perfect example of how you might feel when you get a privilege and its suddenly revoked! If Yasmin really wanted to dump his boyfriend over this issue i dont think she would be writing here!

55. Shalini 55

    And about the religion thing too.. it really beats me people praise god and then do things to make it seem like if you don’t follow the rules he will punish you!! Can you to get close to God by “not having sex before marriage” when you’re passing by someone who needs help because you don’t have the time?
    If you believe in God you have to realize its ok not to follow each and every rule as long as you don’t hurt others.

56. Lydia 56

    I fully agree with your response to her, Evan. If she truly was a religious, spiritual person, I think that is something she would have brought up with her boyfriend in the beginning and would not have started having sex if she felt it would be a sin in the eyes of her religion.
    Basically what she’s saying by waiting 2 months, then having sex with a boyfriend for several months without being married, is that she would do that again with a new boyfriend. It’s not really something you strongly believe if you only follow when it’s convenient for you.
    If there are not currently plans for a wedding (or even if there are), cutting him off now will either make him want to leave, or get married just to get sex again. That’s not why I would want a guy to marry me.

57. bob 57

    @ Shay #46

    Wow. Actually, she owes him exactly what they negotiated in the relationship. She did negotiate the relationship in a certain form – and he’s not wrong to walk away if she changes it without re-negotiating (regardless of what she changes – if it’s unilateral it’s a problem). And he’s not a lesser man for it. Actually, I’d think less of him for staying with someone who feels they can substantially change the form of their relationship without discussion.

    How would she feel if he said “I’ve decided to quit working and live off your income, and you have no say in it.”? That would be a unilateral decision on his part, without discussing it with her. She’d be in her right to end the relationship.

    I don’t understand what you’re saying here:
    
    “If the man thinks that being with Yasmin is not only about sex, then he will stay. If he thinks being with Yasmin is more than sex, he will leave.”
    Both of those statements sound equivalent to me.

    How’s this: Yasmin has re-discovered something very important to her. It will have tremendous impact on her relationship, it may even end it. She has to make a value judgment, is this new thing of more value to her than her current beau? If so, then she’ll have to accept that it may require losing him.

    If she’s accepted this value, then there’s no problem – all she needs to do is say “Honey, I have a dilemma. I’ve rediscovered how important celibacy is to me and my beliefs, and don’t feel I can continue acting contrary to those beliefs.” This will start the conversation, and he may choose to leave, and that’s fine. All it means is he isn’t the guy for who she’s become, and she’s not the gal for him.

    But to denigrate him because he chooses to leave is very wrong. His leaving only means people change, and sometimes they change enough to no longer be compatible.

58. Karl R 58

    I’ve been surprised by several of the irrational views on both sides of this issue. A couple comments (not from this blog) shaped my response to this topic.

    My girlfriend’s initial response to this topic was: “Having sex with you makes me feel closer to God.” In this she echoed part of Sally’s opinion. (#14)

    But the more important comment was from my yoga instructor: “When a pickpocket looks at a saint, all he sees are pockets.” Most of these comments tell us something about the people who made them.

    Amelia (#1) and Shay (#46) said (paraphrased):
    “She doesn’t owe him sex.”

    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. “Owe” is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.

    I do things for my girlfriend which will make her happy. I do things that will help strengthen our relationship. I do things which will make her life easier. And she does the same for me.

    Shay said: (#46)
    “I can’t imagine what happens when one day Yasmin is not able to have sex anymore.”

    Shay imlied that this situation predicts what would happen if Yasmin could not have sex. In doing so, she ignores the difference between “can not” and “will not.”

    Let’s say that your spouse can not contribute to his or her portion of the household chores. (Perhaps he or she has military service overseas.) You would accept that as part of life (even though you might not be happy about the situation).

    On the other hand, let’s say your spouse would not do any chores. You might not find that acceptable in a relationship between equals.

    I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with someone who sees no distinction between those two situations.

    Yasmin said: (original post)
    “It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me,”

    What is the difference between a romance and a platonic friendship?

    If you were to take my best romantic relationships and remove all the physical intimacy from them, they would look nearly identical to my closest friendships. Doing so would be the equivalent of, “Let’s just be friends.” How would you expect someone to react to that?

    You didn’t go to that extreme, but you took a significant step in that direction. Do you want your boyfriend to be unconcerned when his romantic relationship (with you) takes such a substantial hit?

    starthrower68 said: (#49)
    “this is a textbook example of why you date or be in a relationship with someone that has the same values on faith and other core beliefs that you do.”

    This statement isn’t irrational, but I disagree with it. Both partners need to accept and respect any differences in values, but differences do not need to be an obstacle in a relationship.

    For example: I tithe. My girlfriend’s giving is far more modest. Neither one of us sees any need to change the other. And when our finances become more entwined, we will probably keep a portion of our incomes separate so we can accommodate our differences without friction.

    But I agree with starthrower68 that “you’d better have communicated on these issues…”
    
    But the one that blew me was Ed (#42), who apparently sees relationships as a conflict or competition where escalating tit-for-tat behavior is acceptable and appropriate.

    Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone who behaved that way? Wow.

59. Lushka 59

    Shalini@54 and 55

    Agreed! Can Yasmin not take up helping the homeless to get closer to god!? God would be pleased AND you she would actually be doing some good on earth! You please your god and make your fellow human beings happier – surely a superior option all round!?

60. Shalini 60

    Thanks.
    i really feel people don’t seem to understand the concept of god fomr their heart. They just cram the rules!! Evan is right that god is all-forgiving. Don’t make him seem like an authoritarian!!!
    Let me give you an example.. In India people go to Ganga river for a bath because its believed to purify you of your sins. While its ok to go there to feel closer to god you can not think its ok to go kill someone and have a bath in Ganga!
    So you can be closer to God by actually doing something helpful rather than doing something that you should be considering your boyfriends opinion about. I don’t think god will be pleased by any selfish act done even to please him.
    Its not just about sex here.. its about the boyfriend feeling that Yasmin might do what she feels is right for her after marriage without considering how it concerns him. Relationships are not just about you its about both the people.

61. Shalini 61

    #58 Karl R
    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.
    I do things for my girlfriend which will make her happy. I do things that will help strengthen our relationship. I do things which will make her life easier. And she does the same for me.
    Amelia (#1)and Shay (#46)
    I completely agree to this. No relationship is about what you owe to others. Is this what you think when in every friendship and relationship? You dont owe anyone anything, does that mean you dont consider people’s feelings? Even my parents didn’t owe me what they did for me!! They did everything for me because they love and care for me.

62. anette 62

    I like all you say Karl, except the faith thing.

    I wouldn’t say you have to have “exactly” the same values, but they do need to be similar. I broke up with a man who wanted to marry me and have children with me, the same thing I wanted, because I went to his church(I’m an athiest) and saw what he believed with my own eye’s.

    I thought his faith wouldn’t bother me. I realized, that I could never live with it and never raise my children in that environment.

    So yeah, it’s a big deal

63. Steve 63

    From # 58
    
    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.

    What he wrote…..

64. Steve 64

    The quote I meant to post:
    
    She doesn’t owe him sex.
    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.

65. Sharia 65

    Honey @ 17: I took her comment “it’s been amazing” to be about the relationship, not about the sex, because she opened with talk about the relationship. She then mentioned waiting for sex within the context of the relationship. But safe to say that the antecedent to “it” isn’t quite clear in the sentence “it’s been amazing.”

    Lushka@33: I think someone else addressed this–there are lots of people who believe in God and want to get closer to God but do not participate in formal religious worship. Spiritual pursuit versus religious pursuit. Religious pursuits are all spiritual, but not all spiritual pursuits are religious.

66. Karl R 66

    anette said: (#62)
    “I wouldn’t say you have to have ‘exactly’ the same values, but they do need to be similar.”

    James Carville and Mary Matalin have been married since 1993. Try to find a video clip where they appear on the same panel discussing politics, so you can see how their political views are polar opposites.

    “I broke up with a man who wanted to marry me and have children with me, the same thing I wanted, because I went to his church (I’m an athiest) and saw what he believed with my own eyes.”

    It sounds to me like you were unable to accept or respect how different his values were from yours. I would say that reinforces my comment on the topic.

    Since you were unable to accept or respect those differences, I would agree that you did the right thing by breaking up with him.

67. JuJu 67

    Religious pursuits are all spiritual, but not all spiritual pursuits are religious.

    Neither are all religious pursuits spiritual. Too many people get bogged down in observing various rituals, believing that that alone makes them righteous, and losing sight of the primary goal – personal/spiritual development.

68. Shay 68

    Bob (#57),

    I don’t mean to say that that guy is a pig or a bad person. I’m just saying exactly what you are saying, in a more straight forward manner.

    Its totally up to the guy to re-evaluate the relationship with Yasmin. If he cannot accept that Yasmin has changed and how her new found beliefs has affected their relationship, then he has the right to leave.

    Surely people grow and change. I agree with what some of the people say here. They might have grown to become incompatible.

    Anyway, I can’t agree that once you have given the man privileges, you can’t take them away. Would Yasmin want to carry on sex with this guy to keep him in the relationship and be troubled on her own? If Yasmin were to continue having sex with this guy despite her current beliefs, would she be truly happy? Isn’t happiness what we’re all looking for in relationships?

    I don’t see that this is the way to go. Sooner or later, there would be other problems coming along.

69. Joe 69

    Shalini said in #60:
    So you can be closer to God by actually doing something helpful rather than doing something that you should be considering your boyfriends opinion about. I don’t think god will be pleased by any selfish act done even to please him.

    If Sharia is correct about Yasmin being Muslim, she ought to be helping others, if she’s being really religious, as alms-giving is one of the Five Pillars of Islam.

70. anette 70

    Karl R #66

    You are right. I could not respect the beliefs at all. And yes it was the right thing no matter how much he told me he could accept my views. He couldn’t. Nor could I accept his. I just didn’t have “faith” that God would make us agree one day(like he believed). He would never stop trying to convert me.. That is not respect.

    We can create examples(as you have done) of “opposites attract” but I think you will find their values are similar. For example, I can respect a persons view that is different than mine, if they have drawn a conclusion(even if different from mine) through a similar thought process, or similar princples. Two people can have access to the same information and draw a different conclusion.

    Religion is a big one in this area, so it requires a great deal of thinking, (not faith it will just all work out), to determine if you can handle the religious difference.

71. Maya 71

    Really, it comes down to the guy and I would bet 98% of men would not be willing to go without sex after you were giving it to him for 10 months! You are a tease! The religion part is a whole nother story.

72. Sharia 72

    @71: A tease? Really? This whole idea that a guy is “owed” sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy–that we have to put out or get dumped–is the most disturbing thing. That this idea is coming from some of the women is really shocking. I guess you don’t really believe that your body is your own, do you? How do you expect to have a good relationship if you are not at choice over when/where/how/with whom you have sex? I feel very bad for you if you cannot set limits for yourself around sex.

    No wonder men feel so entitled! Blame yourselves if you don’t like the way guys treat you or women in general, then.

    That you don’t like her reasons for not having sex anymore is irrelevant. It’s her choice, for whatever reason.

73. Sharia 73

    Ladies, do you want to be in relationships with men where sex is his prerogative and you cannot refuse? Wake up–you do not have to have sex unless you want to. Certainly not ever in a dating situation. But it was not too long ago that you could not refuse your husband for any reason. Here is some interesting info on spousal rape from Wikipedia:

    “In many countries it is not clear if spousal rape may or may not be prosecuted under ordinary rape laws. Sweden outlawed spousal rape in 1965, but other countries from the Western World outlawed it much later, mostly in the 1980s and 1990s. In the US spousal rape is illegal in all 50 states; the first state to outlaw it was South Dakota in 1975, and the last North Carolina in 1993. Other developing countries have outlawed it in the 2000s.
    In many countries, spousal rape is either legal, or illegal but widely tolerated and accepted as a husband’s prerogative. In 1999, the World Health Organization conducted a study on violence against women in Tajikistan, surveying 900 women above the age of fourteen in three districts of the country and found that 47% of married women reported having been forced to have sex by their husband. In Turkey 35.6% of women have experienced marital rape sometimes and 16.3% often.”

    Don’t you find it shocking that a husband could legally rape his wife in the U.S. until 1993? That means she could not say no if they were married. Think about what that means for your own family and how that has affected you and your view of what consent is.

    Shocking. Wake up.

74. Evan Marc Katz 74

    @Sharia:

    The OP wanted to know if it was fair to cut sex off from her boyfriend. I told her it was fine, except the consequence would probably be that she lost him. All this stuff about spousal rape couldn’t be farther from the original point. Just because you turned the OP’s letter into something about men being “owed” sex doesn’t mean that it’s what the email was actually about. So, please, calm down, since you’re the only one here who seems to be agitated. Honestly. There’s no need to insult me, Karl, or anyone who disagrees with you. We’re not calling names. You are.

    Dissent all you want, but please, do it with respect.

    Thank you very much.

    The Management

75. Karl R 75

    Sharia said: (#72)
    “This whole idea that a guy is ‘owed’ sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy that we have to put out or get dumped is the most disturbing thing.”

    You make it sound like sex is some kind of punishment for women. Most women don’t feel that way. My current girlfriend prefers to have sex 3 or 4 times per week. My previous girlfriend complains that her current boyfriend doesn’t spend the night and have sex frequently enough (and she broke up with him once over that).

    I like women who take the initiative with physical intimacy. There’s no reason that should always the man’s role. If you want to call the shots, call your boyfriend, tell him that you want him to come over tonight. When he gets to your place, lead him directly to the bedroom, take off his clothes, tell him to lie on the bed, get on top, and initiate the physical intimacy. You’ll be an empowered woman calling the shots.

    This doesn’t work so well if the only shot you want to call is “No sex.”

    If you don’t like sex, why would you want to be in an intimate relationship?

    Sharia said: (#72)
    “How do you expect to have a good relationship if you are not at choice over when/where/how/with whom you have sex?”

    This statement reminds me of my first two serious relationships.

    My first serious girlfriend decided that her decision of “with whom” she had sex included her ex-boyfriend. That decision torpedoed the trust I had in her.

    My second serious girlfriend did call the shots on “when/where/how” we had sex.
    where: her apartment (that was fine)
    when: twice a month (not so good)
    how: with as little effort from her as possible (disappointing)

    After two months, I decided we worked much better as platonic friends then as a couple.

    In a good relationship, you’re equal partners. That means both people get a say in the physical intimacy. If only one person is getting their way, then the partnership isn’t equal, the relationship isn’t good, and the other partner ought to leave.

    And if you’re in a relationship where one person always wants sex and the other person never does, you’re not compatible as a couple. Do yourself a favor and find someone who matches up better with your preferences.

76. JuJu 76

    Shay, # 68: Anyway, I can’t agree that once you have given the man privileges, you can’t take them away.

    Well… isn’t this why most relationships end?.. Your partner used to be thoughtful and considerate, but is now careless with your feelings. They used to take care of themselves, but really let themselves go as they got more comfortable. Used to be spontaneous, now is a homebody. The examples can be endless. Yes, it’s precisely the withdrawal of a “privilege” that was initially provided that so often makes us unhappy with the relationship.

    Sharia, what if it’s the woman that wants sex, or wants it more often than the man? Does he owe it to her?

    Why is it that if a woman is having sex, it must necessarily be happening against her will??

    But I agree with Evan: you are just using this forum to pontificate.

77. Selena 77

    @Sharia #73

    No one has written Yasmin “owes” her boyfriend sex. The point many of us have made, both male and female, is that when Yasmin decided to give up sex in order to “try to get closer to God” she arbitrarily changed the relationship with her boyfriend. And apparantly he isn’t too thrilled with the new parameters.

    It’s not about “owing” and it certainly isn’t about rape – it’s about how realistic it is to expect someone to change their values to accomodate you just because you changed your own. Pretty simple – why are you having such a hard time getting it?

78. Jonsi 78

    @Sharia #72: “This whole idea that a guy is owed sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy that we have to put out or get dumped is the most disturbing thing.”
    A woman does not owe me sex. However, I don’t owe her emotional intimacy, or a relationship at all, even if I love her. The attitude “if he’s a good man, and if he loves her, he will respect her decision and comply” is disturbing. It implies that a man who drops her is somehow less of a good man, or does not value her. Neither of those things are true. It is true, however, that he might not respect her. Why is it that with religion someone can say “I won’t wash my hair, eat meat, or dial cordless phones on Sunday” and the other person is somehow obligated — if he wants to come off as a good person — to say “I respect that” just because religion is invoked?
    Like the guy on the wire: shiiiiittttttt.
    She should be prepared for the consequences of her action, which may include a breakup, because while it would be nice if he respected her, there is no reason he should respect her. “Thou shalt not break up with me if thou art a good, spiritual man” is bogus. Frankly, it’s manipulative.

79. anette 79

    Lol Poor Sharia!!

    I have felt the same way you have. I was “horrified” at the thought that I owed a guy sex. I would have reacted exactly as you have with as much anger, including bringing up the entire “law” issue which required women to have sex inside a marriage. Nothing could make you feel more invisible as a woman, to be used as a hunk of flesh, with no rights at all. Believe me, most men DO NOT WANT THIS!! They never did.

    What we want and need most is intimacy. For men, that is primarily achieved through sex. You know that feeling you get when you share your intimate feelings verbally and feel SO close to a man?It gives you that warm fuzzy, loving natural high? That’s how he feels, when he is physically intimate with you. He just feels bloody great!! He does not want to have sex with a woman he loves JUST because he has a lot of testosterone and a high sex drive.

    The problem historically is that men(though the law) were getting their male needs fullfilled, and women were sometimes not. This also came at the expense of women, IE so he could feel close to you, you spent your entire life pregnant. And when women needed more(IE, talking, sharing, respect for their opinions, joint decision making, no more pregnancy) this was ignored. It was horrible and is still happening to women around the world.

    But in some countries, we have equality. Males and females crave intimacy from each other. For men, it is often physical, for females it is verbal. If you can find your “match’ then the male, will love the emotional and verbal intimacy you can provide and the woman will love the physical intimacy he can provide.

    So I will never “owe” a man Sex. But if I’m reading a really great book and might perhaps prefer to continue , but he’s had a hard day and just wants to feel close to me, I’ll put the book down, take him to bed, show him I love him and enjoy myself. I am under no illusions, that as a woman it is highly likely he will want more physical activity than me. It is highly likely I will require more talking than him.

    When you love some-one, you understand their needs, and make as much effort as possible to fullfill them. Choosing to fullfill your partners physical needs isn’t you being a piece of meat, anymore than he is a teddy bear with a set of ears there to listen to you.

    A lot of us Sharia, have let go of the bitterness of the past. The terrible treatment of females. Believe it or not, men were often treated worse, not better than women.

    We don’t owe a man sex. But if we are in a relationship, we do owe it to each other and the relationship effort in the areas that are important to us.

    Having said all that, the inconsistancy of the OP’s decision is what most people are actually focussing on here, rather than the actual sex. I do understand where you are coming from and I hope that you can learn to trust men again and move forward without fear of the past.

    All the best

80. Helen 80

    I reread both Yasmin’s original letter and Evan’s reply. Evan, how did you even manage to come up with a response to this letter??? Her action is completely irrational – because what humans have made of religion is almost always completely irrational.

    Why would a good God give two sh*ts about who has sex with whom and when? How trite is that, compared with being generous to the poor, helping those in need, being a good steward of monetary and environmental resources, and being kind when at all possible. And yet, many world religions focus much more on controlling sex than about being kind and helping others. Amazing when you think about it.

    Evan and others, you can be as logical and rational as possible in your responses and arguments, but what good would that do for someone who is illogical? THAT is why I feel for both Yasmin and her boyfriend… one would wish that people are always swayed by logic, but that is not so.

81. Michael 81

    If she wants to keep her boyfriend, she should marry him.

    If he does not want to be married, then there is no point in continuing the relationship.

82. Lisa 82

    Okay, I’m a Christian… just putting that out there right now.
    However, I’m one who has always taken issue with hypocritical behavior I see among religious (whether Christian or not) folk.

    Being that I’m around a lot of Christians, I see the type of behavior that Yasmin is describing a lot. Couples start out having sex, then one person (usually the woman), has a great “awakening,” decides that she and her boyfriend are sinning by having sex before marriage and she tells him that because she needs to be following “God’s will,” there will be no more sex before marriage.
    The boyfriend is usually upset by this. He often leaves. The woman is then bolstered by her female friends who pat her on the back and congratulate her for her decision and demonize the man because he “chose sex over God,” or “interfered” in her Christian walk.

    Meanwhile, I’m thinking to myself, if you truly believed in no sex before marriage, then why did you start in the first place?
    To me, that’s the biggest issue in these types of situations. I assume that most of these women grew up in a faith that said no sex before marriage. Fine. But, because we’re all human and naturally desire sex, most of us violate that doctrine anyway and start having sex.
    Fine.
    But then, don’t turn around after YEARS and suddenly “realize” that you are “sinning” and “displeasing God” by having sex and then demonizing the man you’re with because he wants to continue… because you originally set the standard that this was going to be a sexual relationship. It IS bait-and-switch, and I would like for religious women to not play this “pick-and-choose” game as to what laws they would like to follow and which ones they want to ignore.
    Either establish no-sex-before-marriage from the beginning (as your religion stated) or have a sexual relationship and keep it that way. If sin is sin by religious definition, I don’t think God gives you brownie points because you stopped having sex at 10 months, when according to your religion, you shouldn’t have been having it at all.
    I just ask for consistency. Either you’re in a sexual relationship from the beginning, or you’re not in a sexual relationship. That needs to be determined at the start.

83. Honey 83

    As an atheist who has a higher sex drive than her boyfriend, the turn this conversation has taken is completely mind-boggling to me. Rape? “Owe”? Really?

84. Sharia 84

    How often do women have sex that they don’t want just to keep their boyfriends, husbands, lovers? This is a huge problem for many women. Maybe you do not know women like this, but I do. I thought this blog was about real relationships and sex, not about discussing fantasy scenarios where all is like a movie– the men are all charming gentlemen, women have org*sms at the merest touch, and everyone lives in gorgeous apartments without any visible means of income. In that world, yeah. I’d be up for it all the time, too, and would be happy not to have to deal with the messy realities of jerky dominant male behavior, clueless lovers, and working hard to take care of me and my SOs.

    But in the real world, where so many men are players (competitive) and feel entitled (or aspire to be) and sex with women is the prize for winning the game, the badge of entitlement, chances are that a guy’s interest in a woman is not about his great appreciation for her mind, spirit, and emotions. So a woman has to look out for herself and her own interests–if they jibe with his, so much the better. But when they don’t–be prepared to get the cajoling, the whining, or the attacks (how men behave in their competetive world when they don’t get what they want).

    The poster does not want to have sex with her boyfriend anymore and so she should not. There will be consequences to this decision. So what. She does not want to continue to have sex with him. Is that not clear?

    If a man leaves an intimate relationship because the woman does not want to have sex–one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time–then his primary interest is in sex and not in the intimacy with the woman. All people express intimacy in many ways–there is not one way that men express it and another way for women. And the sexual patterns of most long-term sexual relationships change over time, for a variety of reasons on the part of either partner (pregnancy, health issues, emotional issues, problems in the relationship, to name a few.) If a man cannot deal with that from the very beginning then he is not interested in you as a partner except in bed.

    No, I would not necessarily leave my partner if he suddenly did not want to sleep with me anymore. But we would talk about the change and come to a mutually agreeable solution. If he stopped making love to me for spiritual reasons (doubtful, but in a hypothetical world) I can imagine staying with him if I had a similar spiritual idea. So no–I don’t have a chain around his genitals or his heart. And he doesn’t have chains around me, either. We respect each other a great deal.

    And before you respond, EMK, would you want to date men? Would you want to deal with their demanding and fickle sexual behavior? Don’t you believe it’s your right to do with your body what you want?

85. catherine 85

    I am a woman and am experiencing the same scenario with my BF of 1 year. But is the reverse situation in that HE is the one who is experiencing spiritual distress and turmoil over physical interaction.

86. Karl R 86

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “All people express intimacy in many ways there is not one way that men express it and another way for women.”

    I’ll accept that. In my experience, however, some people find some expressions of intimacy more meaningful than others (physical intimacy, intimate conversation, time & effort, thoughtful gifts).

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “If a man leaves an intimate relationship because the woman does not want to have sex one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then his primary interest is in sex and not in the intimacy with the woman.”

    I’m having a hard time reconciling this statement with the previous one. In order for this to be true, the following statement would also need to be true:

    “If a woman leaves an intimate relationship because the man does not want to converse one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then her primary interest is in conversation and not in the intimacy with the man.”

    See how ridiculous that sounds when I switch the statement to another form of intimacy? It sounds equally ridiculous to me when you suggest that anyone would accept a major reduction in the physical intimacy in a relationship if he was truly “interested in intimacy with the woman.”

    If your partner doesn’t feel like talking for a day or so, that might be acceptable. But after an extended period without conversation, you’re going to assume the relationship is broken and act accordingly, despite your feelings for your partner.

    Since we (presumably) agree that sex and conversation are both forms of intimacy which are important to a relationship, why would it be reasonable to do without one form of intimacy, but unreasonable to go without a different form of intimacy?

    Sharia asked: (#84)
    “would you want to date men? Would you want to deal with their demanding and fickle sexual behavior? Don’t you believe it’s your right to do with your body what you want?”

    1. If I was sexually attracted to men, I’d date them. The guys I hang out with would be easy to get along with in a LTR.

    2. Based on the dictionary definition of “fickle,” Yasmin is the one being fickle. Technically, her boyfriend isn’t being demanding either (based on Yasmin’s description of the situation).

    3. Everyone has the right to do what they want with their body. That includes the right to leave a relationship with a fickle partner.

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “I thought this blog was about real relationships and sex, not about discussing fantasy scenarios where all is like a movie the men are all charming gentlemen, women have org*sms at the merest touch,”
    
    I know that Evan, Honey and I (and countless other readers) have sex on a regular basis. Your comments about sex bear as little resemblance to our relationships as the scenes in movies … perhaps less.

87. Donna 87

    As a sometimes reader of this blog, I see where Sharia is coming from. There’s this idea on here that if a woman wants to have a relationship with a man then she has to be pleasing to men, and there is very little on here about women being pleased by men. Actually, I never read anything on here about how men also have to please or “give in” to women, and none of the men on here seem to think that this is necessary for them in relationship. Most of their posts are about how women have to “understand” where they are coming from, even when it’s clear that the woman “gets” where he is coming from–and says, “uh, no way, Jose.” I mean, look at what the male posters wrote about something as simple as putting the seat down.

    A culture where women have to “please” men is one step away from a rape culture, in my bood. And it is shocking to me that some states only put anti-rape laws for wives on the books in 1993. How can that have only made it into the social consciousness in 1993? How could that kind of ignorance NOT have stemmed from male entitlement regarding sex in relationship? Get that, and then think about how long it takes for that kind of understanding to trickle down through the general population. Scary. This blog is scary.

88. Karl R 88

    Donna said: (#87)
    “there is very little on here about women being pleased by men.”
    
    Let me correct that for you.

    If the man you’re dating doesn’t please you, dump him. Immediately.

    Sooner or later he’ll realize that he needs to start pleasing his girlfriends if he wants his relationships to last.

    “I never read anything on here about how men also have to please or ‘give in’ to women, and none of the men on here seem to think that this is necessary for them in relationship.”
    
    Evan talks about the importance of compromise all the time. I’ve talked about it. Mr. Right has talked about it.

    I don’t have the ability to change women. If I don’t like something about my girlfriend, I can either learn to accept it -OR- I can work out some sort of compromise -OR- I can leave the relationship.

    I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking for one girlfriend after another. Therefore, it’s in my best interest to accept anything minor and compromise on everything else, unless it’s a genuine dealbreaker issue.

    “A culture where women have to ‘please’ men is one step away from a rape culture, in my bood.”
    
    Following that reasoning, a state where the employer has the right to terminate an employee without cause (like where I live) is one step away from being a slave state.

    My employer has the right to fire me, but he has no right to force me to work against my will.

    Your boyfriend/husband has the right to dump/divorce you, but he has no right to force you to have sex against your will.

    If you can’t see a huge difference between being dumped and raped, then you should spend some time discussing the issue with a rape victim.

89. JuJu 89

    Isn’t pleasure – the whole point of relationships? Isn’t that why we seek them altogether??

    Obviously, if your partner doesn’t think of you enough to please you, that’s not a good or fulfilling relationship.

    Karl, you are wasting your time.

90. sayanta 90

    Karl, why aren’t you a lawyer?

91. sayanta 91

    I just realized in response to Sharia v. Karl, I love my girlfriends but there’s no way in hell I’d date any of them if I were a dude. Yikes!

92. Karl R 92

    JuJu,
    I’m under no illusions that Sharia or Donna will change their minds based on what I say. However, my opinions have often been influenced by well thought out posts (A-L, Selena, etc.), even when they have been responding to unreasonable people.

    sayanta,
    I’ve never been driven enough to go through the hell required to earn a J.D., or the hell usually endured by associates at law firms.

    But I work for a group of consultants who are hired by lawyers to assist them with cases. The job makes good use of my abilities, and my bosses aren’t concerned about my lack of a degree.

93. adrian 93

    Well this is my first time ever reading this blog and this would be the first posting that I read.

    To begin, I am a male and have been in a committed relationship with my gf for 1yr and a half years. Surprisingly we have not engaged in intercourse to this day. Before entering out relationship I told her that I would not be having sex until I get married, even after several years of pre-marital sex.many wonder why I all ofa sudden stopped having sex at the ripe age of 24, and it was to have a better relationship with God and the person I dated. In the past I have found that having sex can change the dynamic of the relatioship. Personally, I would only be interested in the relationship for sex. This became the only focus and nothing good came of the relationship. Not to mention, I never really got to know the person I was sleeping with. Now that I have turned this new leaf my relationship with God and my girlfriend has been excellent?

    @ yasmin – if you want to have a better relationship with God, continue to put him first. If your bf cannot respect this, why would you continue to date someone who did not share your core values? And NO! You do not owe him anything. If you follow the bible it says to “owe no man anything but to love him”. And love does not necessarily mean sex. IMO if you have relationship advice you should also go to the Lord in prayer, ask for guidance, and seek wise counsel. Hope this helps. Let’s see if it gets posted.(My apologies for any typos, I’m writing from my blackberry)

94. jason 94

    My girlfriend just pulled this one on me as well. We waited about 2 months before having sex and have been dating 16 months. We started talking marriage 2 months ago and now she says no sex until marriage. which marriage wont come until 2012 as we have decided.
    My stance is 2 years no sex… im 25, what am I supposed to do?? besides cheat on her because that is clearly the only option she leaves for me. Thats to satisfy the urge but also the mental anguish of being shun like this for an old monotheistic religion.
    I love her and hope something happens, because right now its probably gonna break us up within a month. I am at 2 weeks with no sex and now i dont want to even touch her or kiss her. resent the thought really.
    btw… I used to rub this girls feet every night, cuddle with her, hold her, and more and not expect to have sex.
    it just seems like the thought of not being able to has laced a lot of resentment in my heart about her and her religion.

95. TrulyConfused 95

    I’m kinda in the same boat, except, I’m a woman and my boyfriend just decided to be celebate after being together and having sex for a year. I’ve always thought of sex as an important part of a relationship. It’s one of the ways we connect. He just made this decision without even consulting me and basically just gave me a choice to take it or leave it. He said he understood how difficult it would be but that this was important to him so he was willing to risk our relationship. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him so I told him i would try but I don’t know how to do this.

    I feel like sex is important in a relationship and he knows that. We have very different religious beliefs but that has never been a problem before. I respect his beliefs and he respects mine. But how am I supposed to put my feelings aside, my frustrations aside, because he made a decision for the both of us? I don’t want to resent him but after a year of having good sex, it’s not fair to stop without even talking to me about it. How can someone make a decision that affects a couple without discussing it first?

96. Moeen 96

    Just thought I'd give my two cents here. I think a lot of people are making false equivalences here. Just to cite Karl R above as an example: he says @ Karl R #58 (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-want-to-stop-having-sex-with-my-boyfriend-until-we-get-married/2/#comment-59428)

    “Yasmin said: (original post)
    It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me,

    What is the difference between a romance and a platonic friendship?

    If you were to take my best romantic relationships and remove all the physical intimacy from them, they would look nearly identical to my closest friendships. Doing so would be the equivalent of, Let’s just be friends. How would you expect someone to react to that?”

    Sex and physical intimacy aren't one and the same (sex is a form of physical intimacy, a high form, but simply that). Couples can spend time cuddling, for example. And you certainly wouldn't “just be friends” in that case.

    Karl compares having sex to having a conversation by making the following point @ Karl R #86 (http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-want-to-stop-having-sex-with-my-boyfriend-until-we-get-married/2/#comment-60732):
    If a woman leaves an intimate relationship because the man does not want to converse one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then her primary interest is in conversation and not in the intimacy with the man.

    See how ridiculous that sounds when I switch the statement to another form of intimacy? It sounds equally ridiculous to me when you suggest that anyone would accept a major reduction in the physical intimacy in a relationship if he was truly interested in intimacy with the woman.

    Yes, it is ridiculous, but because its a false equivalence. You cant have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, without having a conversation (if you can I'd be _really_ interested to know how). You can have a relationship without sex.

    And I think this is really my point, sex should not be equated with the relationship, which is what a lot of people here are doing. Sex is not a need, it's a want. Its not the whole relationship, it's a part of it which both parties should be willing to negotiate (and hopefully do). You might find it very important, but again, those are your feelings.

    In the case of Yasmin, the issue is how she negotiated (or didn't) changing the terms of this aspect of the relationship, and you can make very valid arguments that she didn't do it right, but dont turn the argument into romance=sex

    And I do agree with some posters here that Karl would make an excellent lawyer.

97. Karl R 97

    Moeen said: (#96)
    “Sex is not a need, it’s a want.”

    There are monastaries filled with monks who have taken vows of silence. Conversation isn't a need either.

    “You cant have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, without having a conversation (if you can I’d be _really_ interested to know how).”

    Do you really believe that these monks, after spending years living in community together, have not formed relationships with each other?

    Heck, people form relationships with their pets. And if there are any conversations within those relationships, they're decidedly one-sided.

    “Couples can spend time cuddling, for example. And you certainly wouldn’t 'just be friends' in that case.”

    Some people (including me) cuddle with some of their platonic friends. If I get to first base, I would say that I've gone beyond the “platonic friends” level. But there's a lot of physical contact that can occur before that point. (And if you want to bring pets back into the discussion, most people cuddle with their pets … without becoming romanticly involved.)

    I agree that sex is not the same as a relationship. It's possible to have sex without having a relationship. But as you said, it's a part of the relationship. And if you eliminate one part of a relationship, that will probably affect the rest of the relationship as well.

98. Moeen 98

    Karl R above said:

    “There are monastaries filled with monks who have taken vows of silence. Conversation isn\\\\\\\\\\\\ t a need either.

    Do you really believe that these monks, after spending years living in community together, have not formed relationships with each other?”

    Conversation isn't a need for life, but to relationship it is. I've never heard of silent monks having relationships with each other. Perhaps it's possible; you'd have to ask them (though I guess if they're silent they can't tell you). That's a pretty extreme example though; most people aren't silent monks.

    “Heck, people form relationships with their pets. And if there are any conversations within those relationships, they\\\\\\\\\\\\ re decidedly one-sided.

    (And if you want to bring pets back into the discussion, most people cuddle with their pets without becoming romanticly involved.)”

    Again, false equivalence: if you say something to a person, they can respond, if you say something to an animal, they almost certainly can't (at least not in any substantial way). There's just no comparison.

    “Some people (including me) cuddle with some of their platonic friends. If I get to first base, I would say that I\\\\\\\\\\\\ ve gone beyond the \\\\\\\\\\\\ platonic friends\\\\\\\\\\\\ level. But there\\\\\\\\\\\\ s a lot of physical contact that can occur before that point.”

    I certainly would not cuddle with a friend the way I would with a girlfriend (maybe you would). Really, the next time you see a couple cuddling closely in a park, tell them that what they're doing is no different from what you'd do in a platonic relationship and see how they respond.

    “I agree that sex is not the same as a relationship. It\\\\\\\\\\\\ s possible to have sex without having a relationship. But as you said, it\\\\\\\\\\\\ s a part of the relationship. And if you eliminate one part of a relationship, that will probably affect the rest of the relationship as well.”

    Well, at this point I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think you can have a perfectly healthy romance without sex. Of course, if you want to have a family and all that, then at that point sure, but if you're just getting to know if someone's a good fit for you, I don't believe so, and I know of plenty of couples that didn't engage in pre-marital sex and are doing fine. I think this point is really just a matter of personal opinion.

99. Missy 99

    I, like #82 (Lisa), am a Christian, and I am wholeheartedly committed to living my life the way that the Bible instructs.  I also think about sex like #21 (Paul).  With that, for me, premarital sex, or the requirement of it in a relationship, is a deal-breaker for me.  But like most people here have stated, I make that perfectly clear from the jump, so that way, if he doesn't agree with that, then we can both move on and find what we're both looking for.  Like #93 (adrian), before I became a practicing Christian, I did engage in premarital sex, and never found the closeness and intimacy that I craved.  So yes, it is completely possible for one who practices premarital sex to have a change of heart.  But for me, my change of heart with that also came with a change of heart to lots of other things.  From Yasmin's question, it seems like she just wants to practice celebacy (i.e. "For the new year, I want to get 'closer to God'"…).  Now THAT seems a little illogical to impose once you've been having sex for, as she said, 10 months.  So I wholeheartedly agree with #49 (starthrower68) that it is IMPERATIVE to find someone with whom you share the same values…that will prevent situations like this.  This just sounds like a textbook case of her not doing her relationship homework before she went too far.

100. Danielle 100

     I think Evan's advice is really good, his response is far less about sex and far more about communication and consistency.  I think after ten months of having sex Yasmin's boyfriend would have the right to be at the very least , surprised by her change of heart.  Just as she has the right to decide she doesn't want to have sex anymore, he has the right to decide the relationship isn't working for him either.
     I think the unknown boyfriend deserves credit, he has agreed to not have sex with her.  However, now Yasmin doesn't like that he seems to just be saying it.  I don't know any many or woman who after ten months of amazing sex would be excited about no sex.  But I think the fact that the guy has said he won't is a major plus.  If he has followed through on his word and his backed this up with his actions, then Yasmin has what she wanted.  A no sex relationship with her current boyfriend who is accepting her decision.

101. Nyghtfalls 101

     Umm, I'm with Evan on this one. I have to say it irks me to see so many essentialized statements on this forum, as though guys are the only beings hardwired to think that sex is important in a relationship. I'm a female and if my male partner ever said to me that we could no longer have sex because he wants to be closer to God, I would simply reply, "Well, I like to be closer to some d*ck, so I guess I'll see you on the flip side." Cruel, perhaps, but very true. I think someone else here said it best: "this is a typical bait and switch". And it's not about respecting one's religions or choices. I'm sure the boyfriend respects the letter writer's choices just fine… he just doesn't see this fitting in with HIS lifestyle. And he has a right to feel that way. This issue is not about religion or one's right to do with her body as she will. This is about the importance of two people being compatible enough to carry on a relationship. If sex is important to one but not to the other, I think it's best to part ways so that both parties can find partners who share their values. Otherwise, one will always be unhappy… a recipe for disaster.

102. Jules K 102

     I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and half because of my lust. Anytime things went sour I would cheat and he would sex text girls. To most cheating means that you do not love, but we love each other and well during those bad times we loved ourselves too much to be ready for one another. Before we broke up I was ready to be just his, but it was too late, the trust had been broken. We have been broken up for months and I have not so much as kissed another. He has, but that is normal. I have made the choice to keep this up and if ever with him engage in soft petting nothing involving my below privates nor oral. I pray that I will be with him, and want to be sure with myself that is not for lust once again. I believe we all have different ways at going about life and love. There is no right way. If someone feels best in their soul acting in accordance to the scripture after defying it for so long that is great. God will always forgive you if you truly whole heartedly are giving yourself to him.

103. Karen 103

     Yasmin, you do not owe this man your body. It is yours to decide how it's used. You have every right to decide not to have sex anymore. There is no "changing rules in the middle of the game." This is not a game. You are the  one who is responsible for your actions and your accountability to God. If you want to stop having premarital sex, than I applaud you. It's your RIGHT.  If your boyfriend cannot respect that, then leave him. Seriously. It will only hurt for a short while, but you will feel so much better in the end.

104. JuJu 104

     Not to be offensive, but I really can’t help but wonder, why do the seriously religious people read this blog? To monitor what’s happening in the secular world or something? I mean, I can’t imagine it actually being applicable to their situation(s).

105. Karl R 105

     JuJu, (#104)
     Most of the advice is relevant to “seriously religious people”, just like most of Evan’s advice is relevant to men, even when Evan is addressing a woman’s question.

     Occasionally, however, there’s going to be a conflict between Evan’s recommendation and what they believe is morally “right”.

106. Shaza 106

     what she means by closer to god evan is she is buliding a relationship with GOD. Having a relationship with him requires faith( believing in the unseen). for her to continue her path with god she will feel the need to clean up her life so to speak, so that god can have more influence in her life.
     this is exactly what i am deliberating on. in order for me to feel absolutley free to give myself to my boyfriend with no shame no guilt, actually making real love not sex, i need to include god in this as he was the originator of this covenant between man and woman. with his inclusion in marriage, it is blessed and guilt and shame can no longer hold invisible but evident power of any of them..in this context. so she is free to really be. and the only way after that  is up. not down. if god is allowed to be the cornerstone of her faith then he will lead her to the right path. if she loses her boyfriend then at least she will not lose too much heart and self destruct, as she has faith taht as long as she is walking with god and allowing him to be her director, she will be able to resist the darkness…by darkness i mean self pity, depression, abuse of substances etc. because those things are very powerful and alot of ppl seem to just put up with  things and remaiin in COMBAT MODE rather than actually LIVING.  God is the creator of life, Satan is the destroyer. Remember that.  He does exist and wants us all to please ourselves to the detriment of ourselves so tht we do self destruct. He does not want us to feely real joy and intimacy in our relationships. God does. He makes sex holy in marriage.

107. amanda 107

     Man….my boyfriend and I are both Christians. We’ve been together for 6 months and he suddenly decided to live a better life. No more sex, cussing, or drinking. It was very hard at first but it’s not so bad now. However I gave him an inch and of course when you give an inch they want a mile. Now I’m suppose to develop the same exact beliefs as him. I’m a Christian as much as he is and its been very hard for me. Sometimes people just have a different idea of whats right and wrong. If he doesn’t like it then he should leave because he will never respect her views. If he loves her he will stay. Either way if shes trying to be closer to God then her man comes 2nd. If he causes too much temptation and disrespects that then she is better off with out him. It doesn’t matter what the religion is. If you are serious about getting closer to God you shouldn’t worry about the people in life that will try to prevent that or put you down for it. Just let em go. They should be happy that you are trying to be a better person for you. It might be wrong and hard to change the way you interact with your loved one but you always have to look out for yourself first. Look out for what makes you feel right. Its no different from people that believe that sex is important in the relationship. Just do you.

108. Sandy 108

     All I can say is that I applaud you for your new found conviction. I was in the same situation, I was raised believing that sex before marriage is wrong but anyway and after I while I just found that the guilt and shame I felt after the act seemed to completely overshadow the enjoyment. I knew I was sinning and that I had to stop.

     My boyfriend at the time accepted my decision but I found that as I was truly finding God and being extremely serious about it, I began to change. I could no longer live the lifestyle I had before because I knew how much it grieved my Lord. I found that the strangest thing began to happen, my boyfriend and I started drifting apart and we became two entirely different people. Whereas before I was addicted to music and partying, my new passion was sharing my growing and exciting relationship with God. He of course could not understand me and although he professed to be a Christian he find my conversation and new interests utterly boring. My feelings for him also completely disappeared as we really had nothing in common anymore.

     Do not repress these feelings. There is NOTHING more important than being close to God and living in a way that pleases Him. If you really read the Bible, you will see how much God hates sexual sin, in fact God even mentions that  that those that practice it will not see eternal life.

     Matthew 8:21 Not everyone who says to me,’Lord Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is heaven.”

      So do whatever you must to be close to God and give your boyfriend over to Him. If it does not work out with this guy, God could have someone even better waiting for you, someone who wants to get as close to God just as much as you do.

     God Bless!!

109. Evan Marc Katz 109

     …and the victor for saying “God” the most times in a single comment is…Sandy! Congratulations! Listen, I have no problem with faith (my wife is Catholic and a believer). I do, however, have a problem with people who cherry-pick certain parts of the Bible to take literally…while ignoring others. God will keep you out of heaven for having sex, but will welcome you with open arms if you keep slaves or stone someone to death. I think I got it now.

     Signed,

     The guy who is apparently not entering the kingdom of heaven

110. Lily 110

     “If we have been talking to God, why doesn’t God say the same thing to everyone? Why isn’t everybody getting the same message? Everybody isn’t asking the same question. Everybody is not at the same point of understanding. Everybody is not even wanting the same thing. We are all about eternalness which means we are about difference. It is in our difference that desires of all kinds come forth, and as all of these new desires pop up, every one of them, even in their difference, is important.” Straight from the mouth of God.

     So Evan is right. Besides I had a bf who did the same thing to me and it was fucking annoying.

111. Clarina 111

     In the beginning of any relationship, if you are a so called Christian, the best thing to do is date a man that has the same religious belief as you so you both know that your beliefs involve no sex before marriage. It makes things so much better. If you begin to date a man that does not have the same religious belief and you decide to have sex with him, don’t expect that stopping the sex will make him marry you or make him convert to your belief. You know about God’s word anyway, so why have sex with him and you are not married to him. Sounds like to me you are try to worship God and man.

112. Joe 112

     Evan said @ 109
     I do, however, have a problem with people who cherry-pick certain parts of the Bible to take literally…
      
     Evan , you got the point. Cherry-picking  is wrong  biblically and the bible clearly says “Don’t judge  unbelievers ; it is not Chritians’ job”. No humans  have capability to judge the situation/other humans 100% fair. Only God can do.
     Unfortunately many Christians haven’t read the whole bible
     AND don’t believe  all people when they claim  they  are a Christian. They  might or might not .
     (I know  because I labeled myself “Christian” for years even though I was just a church-goer.)
     We all are capable of giving  a lip service.
     So how can we tell? Jesus said you can tell good/bad  trees  by their fruits.
      
      
     Yes, as someone said before ,”sex before marriage” is a sin( like many other sins in the bible ) but it is not the centre of Chrisitanity.  PRIDE/arrogance is.
     Unfortunately many Christians are so busy to stay away from one sin but  fail to see the whole picture of Christianity. (  I am talking about myself ,too )
     I am very sorry for  all the arrogant , judgemental and CONFUSING  comments made by people who claim they are Christians.
      
      
     ps> .if you let me define “Christian”———–
     First,  It is derived from  the word “Christ” .
     Christians are people who accepted Jesus as their savior and have a relationship with Him
     BUT It doesn’t mean they are always succesful to follow Jesus’s teaching but they keep TRYING.
     Actually  Christians know that  we humans are all sinners by God’s standard and therefore can’t enter the kingdom of Heaven by just doing good things  by their own will.   So they  desperately cling to Jesus Christ ,realizing they are far from be perfect and   got no reason to be arrogant/proud.

113. Sara 113

     I can see everyone’s point of view including Evan’s. I give Evan props for keeping his cool and not feeling defensive to the replies above. However, yes, one does become closer to God if we follow his guidelines; if we agree that what he has planned for us is for our own good. Take time to research the word (AGREE). Consequently, we become closer because we share in conjunction the same beliefs. When blessings AKA (Positive consequences) start coming our way we feel good. Good things come our way because we follow his guidelines. And yes, even none believers may do good and still, good things come their way. When we follow any law given to us, we are automatically favored by it. Whether in our eyes the law is good or bad.
     Now: away from religion: What are positive consequences in having sex after marriage: together you come to an agreement of maturity to form a family. Sometimes a contract is necessary for some people to say they’ll stay for a while, lol. What are negative consequences for sex b4 marriage, (A) there is no agreement; therefore, no obligation is necessary, even if she is left pregnant or he was left with an incurable disease. Yes, is Divorce your mediate thought, right now? Completely agree, but let’s be real, “why are divorces so common, now a days?” perhaps because we practice premarital divorce with our boyfriends/ girlfriends by breaking up with them. Perhaps, because we are constantly playing house with someone we are not committed too. But this is a diffident subject.

     Now again, away from religion and back to Evan’s scientific point of view, what happens when we have sex? (A) We release hormones/chemicals that trigger the brain. When this occurs, the brain perceives emotion. What is emotion? (A) Emotion is a strong hormone that impacts your life. Some women may release more emotion that men. Our brain starts processing these emotions into thoughts and ideas. If these Ideas flourish in our mind, we feel our partner should desire what we desire. There’s a lot more that covers all of this, just do your research perhaps Evan’s scientific knowledge can add to this.

     Now: back to religion: As a believer, you should not only believe that sex b4 marriage is in essence a sin, you should believe in all of who God is. To believe and have faith in who God is, is to come in agreement with him.

     Now: away from religion: Sometimes as females we want commitment from our partner; this occurs most of the time after we have already processed our emotions, in other words had sex. We then hope, our male partner feels the same way, perhaps not now, but hopefully in future/sometime, lol. Psychologically speaking most women are taught to wait for the male to propose marriage. And once a female has reached a high level of emotional involvement, she is ready for commitment “marriage” but he may still not be. Further, God becomes the third party to stimulate the wedding plans, in other words we subconsciously use God as our hint to our partner for marriage.
      

114. Evelyn 114

     No one really seems to have considered the fact that SEX always has a chance of PREGNANCY. 
     When they reached the 2 month mark, these two started having sex. They now know that they are sexually compatible, so (presumably) no further knowledge of each partner is required in this area. They know each other inside out, and can now accurately assess long-term potential.
     Since they now have all the information they need, there is no need to continue having sex (and risking pregnancy) until they make the decision to marry and start that family together.
     Her boyfriend now has a chance to think: is she the right girl for me? If she is, he will propose, they will marry, and sex will return. If she is not, he will leave her. If he is unsure, he can wait to decide: but he won’t be getting any.
     If she waited 2 more years for his decision, and kept having sex, there is a greater risk of eventual single parenthood. This way, she is giving him all the time he needs to decide, while also thinking responsibly of herself and possible offspring. 
     Also – if this is not the man she is going to marry (due to his lack of commitment), she may be having second thoughts about continuing a sexual relationship with him. It may seem unfaithful to the man she eventually will marry.

115. luisa 115

     She can do whatever she wants because she is free. A woman or male can chose when or when not to have sex. If she does not feel comfortable having sex why does she have to do it? to please someone else? Just because you do something in the past, it does not mean that now you have to keep doing it.  

     She is not a slave and her boyfriend does not own her. For instance, let’s say I think for 2 months if I should join the mafia. After two months I join and kill2 people a month for a year. After that I want to get out because of God, because of my partner, or my son or because I just don’t fell like it any more. Off course, my boss won’t like it. He will say, wow, after a year, now you want to be good? I gave you two months to think about joining us. 
     I don’t get you guys. Anybody can change at any time. You can say bad words, lie, cheat… but if you want to change your mind you can always do it. Freedom is the base of relationships and love. No one can force you to do something you don’t want and women are not just sexual objects. If he wants to support her he can or cannot. That is his choice. She is being true to herself and she must love herself before she can love someone else.

116. solange 116

     I can’t believe the attention this has stirred up!! Truly the OP’S name has been changed to protect HER but she is using his daughter’s name!!!! SMDAMNH…..

     I believe that when you make a decision such as this, you go into it together, not, “Oh baby, I decided I’m not having sex with you until we’re married”!!!!! Who’s to say he even wanted to be married to her??? Did SHE choose him, or did he choose her?? A person such as he, is a highly sexual being… “celibacy”, as he told me, is what came out of her mouth… So thanks, for blindsiding him…  I could say more, but I want him to read this hot mess.
      

117. Chris 117

     Come on Evan that is not fair. I recently am a born again Christian myself, and in the past I would have said the exact things that you did. You are right people who disregard one part of God’s word to only further their argument really make Christians look like bad people. It says no where in the bible that one will be cast away from heaven for having pre-marital sex. If so I would be screwed. That is why I checked this link out, to see of a way for me and my girlfriend to stop. But please don’t criticize people for trying to be good Christians. No sin is to great to be forgiven, so if I keep having sex, I know God will forgive me, but does that make it right. Compare it to this, and please have an open mind. Imagine a 16 year old who’s parents do not allow him to drink, but he does anyways. When his parents find out, they don’t take him and cut him up with a knife and throw him in the fireplace. But their relationship becomes strained. Distance begins to form. That is what it is like when we sin. I do not at all fear being thrown into the fire. But despite what people think, I truly love God, more than anyone else. You probably find that weird, and I know why (As I said I used to be an atheist). But I want my relationship to be close with him, and sinning makes that hard. That is why I want to stop, not out of fear, but love. If you can’t understand that is ok, but that does not mean you should criticize.

118. starthrower68 118

     @ chris 117, i too am born again but i wouldn’t get too offended at what evan says about it. remember, we can have god’s approval or the world’s approval but we cannot have both. ours is a heart and spirit condition which doesn’t makes sense to folks who don’t share our beliefs. doesn’t make evan a bad guy. i’m taking a bunny trail here, but jesus was hung on the cross for it. but back to the original intent of the discussion, there is always a price to live out our beliefs. 

119. Karl R 119

     Chris said: (#117)
     “I truly love God, more than anyone else. [...] But I want my relationship to be close with him, and sinning makes that hard. That is why I want to stop, not out of fear, but love.”

     Regardless of your motives, actions have consequences. And the consequence Evan is discussing is the to the relationship between Yasmin and her boyfriend (or you and your girlfriend). If you stop having sex with your girlfriend, it will put strain on your relationship. Distance may begin to form between you.

     In your efforts to become closer to God, you may lose your girlfriend.

     Chris said: (#117)
     “That is why I checked this link out, to see of a way for me and my girlfriend to stop.”

     If she also wants to stop, then it will put much less strain on your relationship. If only one of you wants to stop, then the chances of breaking up are much higher.

     This is about human nature, not religious beliefs.

120. starthrower68 120

      @ karl 119, i do get where you are coming from and this is not an attempt to convince you otherwise but to explain where born-again types are coming from. for people who do not share our beliefs, it is a human nature. for those of us who are believers, it’s not a religious belief but part of living out our faith. as i said previously, there is a price to pay for that. non-believers think we’re wierd or old-fashioned because we don’t subscribe to the world’s way of doing things. god doesn’t hate sex nor is he up in heaven wringing his hands over people having pre-marital sex. its been happening since there were people. but there also emotional and spiritual consequences. do i believe anyone having pre-marital sex will be cast into hell? no. i think chris laid it out beautifully when he compared god to any loving parent who doesn’t want to see their child get hurt. i know there is very litte acceptance of such views in this day and age. chris may very well lose his girlfriend. i’ve lost out plenty of times. i accept it as the price i pay to be in obedience to god. i trust god to get me through the times of temptation if there are any. i may grow old alone, which i accept. i’m not expecting anyone else to pay that price with me.

121. Karl R 121

     starthrower68 said: (#120)
     “this is not an attempt to convince you otherwise but to explain where born-again types are coming from.”

     With all due respect, my father was a Sunday-school teacher from before I was born until after I left home. (As a regular church attender, you can infer how much time I spent at church.) Since my father was also a college professor, he challenged us to think about what we believed. Since theology is (intrinsically) knowledge, I have pursued it with the same enthusiasm as any other knowledge. I’m certain my theological background dwarfs Chris’s, and it may be on par with yours.

     I am not a born-again Christian, but I comprehend where they come from.

     starthrower68 said: (#120)
     “for those of us who are believers, it’s not a religious belief but part of living out our faith.”

     Based on what Chris didn’t say, I have inferred that his girlfriend is not a born-again Christian. Her decision will not be a part of living out the faith of a believer. That was what I was trying to convey.

     Partly this is a timing issue. I didn’t see your post (#118) when I started writing mine. If I had, I wouldn’t have responded to Chris, since I thought you conveyed the essence of my message perfectly.

     If Chris chooses to follow that belief, there is a likely cost.

     As long as Chris understands and accepts that cost, I encourage him to act as he sees best. His girlfriend is unlikely to be happy about no sex if it has been a constant in their relationship. If she’s a non-believer, she’s even less likely to be receptive to heavy-handed conversion efforts.

     Furthermore, you’re not Chris. As we both know, there’s nothing like the fervor of the newly-converted. You have held your beliefs for years, if not decades. In comparison to Chris, you probably seem moderate.

     In addition, while I do not share your belief structure, I recognize that it’s a belief structure. I don’t oppose it just because it’s different than mine. Therefore, I have dated women who (devoutly) held beliefs far more conservative than mine. And as a human, I find it relatively easy to enter a relationship with the understanding that this woman does not believe in pre-marital sex. It is a vastly different situation to have the rules change in the middle of the game.

     It’s hard enough to accept someone as they are. It’s even harder to accept them when they’re no longer who they were.

     And that’s where Chris is at.

122. pogiman 122

     Some people take the religion too extreme i think. I have been a christian for 12 years now. I am happy of what i do, i import good from china to USA. We all know that Chinese has long paying job and some of them commit suicide because they hate how they live in china but (somehow abuse it) does it make me away from Jesus? No. This is the same thing making love, sex is different from making love i think. I love my woman and yes we made love because i want to be close to her. We made love many times sometimes in a day. Does this make me go to hell. I do not think so. First, I do not intent of hurting my woman, 2nd, i see on marrying her in the future. 

     Let me tell you a deeper reason why Jesus died on the cross, Everyone says “for us to be free”. It also means that, long time ago when the 10 commandments from GOD through Moses YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THESE 10 COMMANDMENTS  TO SEE HEAVEN. but when Jesus died, it also means he is the only way to heaven, believe in him, you do not have to follow all these.

     You see I do not like going to churches as I do not trust pastors on how they interpret things, the pastors are just people like us who gets paid by the church from funding of investors and donations. Technically its a profession, its up to them if they wanna be a real follower of God, they can only know this by themselves. I view all the pastors or priest just like my neighbors. I think the churches are just social places that people could meet and say hi to each other. Being a christian is something that is personal that you cant really convince anybody else but you. Example of this is, If i could always say that i am a christian to my girlfriend, but deep inside me am i really? meaning its something really personal.

     By the way, did the bible say that a person who smoke will go to hell? No.
     This is the same thing in making love with your man, did the bible say making love with a woman will lead you to hell? I doubt. God made us attracted to our opposite sex because this was his plan.

     If you want to take your spiritual life crazier, dont even wear clothes when you go to work because  all these are materials made out of your clothes are coming from plants and animals that God made. (this is probably would be the next idea that you may be heading to)

     But please, do yourself a favor, when you listen to a person who claims himself a prophet or pastor in a church, do not follow all of them. you have to read the bible and understand it yourself.

     If the scenario was if you do not love the guy and you are having sex then you maybe going in hell…

     but this is not me to judge.  

123. Nicolette 123

     Unless you get closer to God, you won’t understand what Yasmin is trying to express. However, as a sister in Christ/ Yeshua/ God, it also makes me think of the fact that Adam and Eve were never officially married on paper but perhaps rather in spirit via God’s eyes, therefore i am not saying sex before marriage is okay but perhaps maybe forgiven or accepted. At the end of the day, i do believe it is okay to stay sexless until legally married because i have known some who have done this and they say that it greatly strenghtend their relationships, similiar to fasting during high holidays, etc.    

124. Asha 124

     having intimacy without going to far sexually if you are with your bf is hard as a Christian , it is better to  marry young so you have less years of temptation but that is not always done. jus try your best and a balance will be found it will be hard and any guy if he loves you and sees such a struggle in your personal and religious life will want to marry you not because he wants great sex but because he loves you. Good luck to you Yasmin and God bless 

125. seanyae@yahoo.com 125

     I think you are doing a good thing.. You may have slept with him a little too soon but everyone makes mistakes and god will forgive you.. But knowing that it is wrong and you continue to do it will only make god angry. Now dealing with your boyfriend.. If he is not pressuring you then he is being genuine. But if he does not respect your decision then he does not deserve you because if he did he would marry you like a respectable man would;)

126. CG 126

     I’ve spent time reading this, pretty immature it’s so obvious there are a lot of posts that were posted under different user name but the same Person, I am not going to say who
     A girlfriend’s body is not a car and a man being her bf does not give him the ‘privileges’ to ‘drive’ her, sorry to break it into you, this world does not evolve just around your little world, fulfilling your* own needs and them only.

127. littleangel 127

     Why not getting married instead? That is a simple solution. You can keep the relationship, the loving boyfriend and the sex. The people who only make everything complicated.

128. Me 128

     Jesus Christ what is with you faith nuts. How can a girl cut off a guy with some stupid excuse and expect him to be okay with it. I would break up with that girl in 20 seconds. Evan was much nicer than I would have been. Pray you don’t email my column (or worse, the GQ for answers). Good luck you poor girl. Let me know how long it takes him to leave you… If its a month maybe he really loved you. Congrats.

129. Saint Stephen 129

     I know some couple of great relationships that broke-up over Faith. There is obviously no way to navigate around it when you have a strong calling which your partner does not share.
      
     I’ve seen a man who left his devoted girlfriend who loves him to death (abandoning all their plans of tying the knot and raising a loving family) to become a monk despite his girlfriend’s plea and endless tears.
      
     Things of the spirit cannot be understood physically, neither can logic apply to them.

130. Cassie 130

     I don’t see anything wrong with it. If he really loves you, he will understand and wait til marriage, like you’re SUPPOSED to do anyway. I am in the same boat. I want to stop after I’ve been rushed for 8 months. If he leaves me, then I’m better off. If he stays, then maybe he’s worth it. But really, no girl owes a guy anything. It’s our body. We have a say.

131. Mike 131

     “If he stays, then maybe he’s worth it. But really, no girl owes a guy anything. It’s our body. We have a say.”

     THIS!

     I wonder how many cats you will own by the time you’re 60.

     If you give it up, then take it away.. then you’re not worth it. If you can’t realize moving the goalposts after the game has started is wrong, then i can only hope the guy has enough sense to leave you asap since it’s his life and he owes you nothing and has a say too, as in he can tell you where the door is.

132. Sue 132

     I am in the same situation. I told the guy in the beginning i wouldnt have sex until marriage even though it has progressed after being with him for 2 and a half years without being married to him. Since he hasnt gotten me a ring yet I think its time to pull back from the sex since I dont want to be used in this manner. I wont feel bad from refraining because if he decides to leave me he never oved me to begin with.

133. Monis Khan 133

     Hi Yasmin,
                 I am going from a similar situation, my gf is a muslim, i was a Christian, she told me she can’t marry a non-Muslim, so i turned into Muslim (also i found it more appropriate) anyway, at the starting of relationship she didn’t let me do any touching or anything, she told me its sin, but i forced her so much because i wanted to see her commitment and she accepted, we never had actual sex but we did like kissing and touching, but after 5 months she made a decision to stop all this and save it until we marry. I agreed with her, i am having such difficulties because i feel such need for it, but i can’t do it, i am not gonna leave her just because of this, i am trying to be strong, i know its hard for me at the starting its been 4 days since i quit and Inshallah i will be able to keep my promise.

     Regards, Monis. 

134. Stephany Hoffman 134

     Yasmin, 

      As a woman who went through the same thing, (except about 4 yrs into my relationship!!!) I applaud you.
     Stay true to you.

     Talk to him about how he feels, maybe write him a letter if he is awkward about the situation.

     Remember ppl LOVE IS NOT JUST SEX!!!!!

     So if he loves you, if he thinks you are worth waiting for… and how you feel about the long run rather than the here and now moment in front of you he will listen to and try and understand where you are coming from,

     ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO LET HIM KNOW that waiting FOR HIM may be hard for you to do as well, but it is a sacrifice you Love him (and because maybe you believe a pure marriage is that much more beautiful and believe it or not, it is soooo so much SEXIER!!! when you are then one)…

     If he respects you and you honor him let him know! maybe he feels the same. if not, you know what that man is about, that simple. you have to LOVE yourself before others. ANY others

     Also don’t be so nervous. when you believe in the woman you want to be that makes it that much easier for your bf to believe in the woman you want to be! I’ve heard girls say “WOMAN enough to bring out the pure man in him?” lol meh? not quite like that…It’s up to him now, it isn’t like he doesn’t have the choice.

     I DON’T BELIEVE IN CONSISTENCY, but I do believe in growing and bettering yourself continually your whole life through BECAUSE I’m AWESOME! lol and so are you Yasmin.

     much love
     Stephany Hoffman 

     http://www.facebook.com/stephany_87
      

135. eternalskeptik 135

     I am writing my post after spending almost and hour reading all the posts and here are my comments on OP’s question:
     1. She asked that she wanted to stop having sex with her boyfriend to get closer to God till she gets marries to him?
     all the post had varying degrees of assumptions made by the poster to defend their point of view and so I shall also indulge in such liberty of expression of my views
     Yasmin..
     2 months was not a long time for you to know the guy well before you started having sex with him and now that you want to stop sex for whatever reasons you have, I would agree to your own thought…
     yes, you are taking it far… it is hard for any guy to stop having sex just at the spur of the moment.. men are differently wired than women are.. so you got to really think over it..
     2. I agree to many who say that neither of them owe anything to each other.. they mutually agreed to be n a relationship and now they should mutually decide on this issue as well.. so guys hold your horses.. sorry if I am sounding aggressive..
     3. I guess religion was unnecessarily blown out of proportion here.. everybody will have a different understanding and definition of the word “Christian” so no need to beat the stick on it., as some have tried valiantly tried to explain, just leave it.. it has not come to a conclusion and I believe it will never come to an end this..
     4. And by the way, Yasmin, said that he agreed to not have sex so lets just wait for what happens.. Evan just shared his opinion on the issue so no need to attack him personally. I believe the post is meant to answer the issue or clarify it rather than totally taking it into religion or any other thing, which unfortunately is happening in the post.
     Lets talk on facts that we know of than to make assumptions and discuss something that might not even happen.
     Thanks and please my apologies for any offense I might have made in my post as it was purely co-incidental and unintentional.
      

136. kittykat60621 136

     honey!! you are doing the right thing!! you want to get closer to God you must not have sex until you are married!! if he love you then he will be cool with your decision! and if hes not, then he probably isnt the one for you! i was in your shoes! i was dating my (now) husband for 2 years before we got married. and when i got closer to the lord i told him that i couldnt have sex with him anymore until we got married, and if he didnt like it, he was more than welcome to hit the door and move on with his life, because i was not going to risk my salvation for no one. you cant serve jesus and live in fornication, despite what this devilish world may tell you! but all in all i say pray to God on this situation, because God may not have attended for him to be your husband (DO NOT RISK YOUR SALVATION FOR NO ONE OR NOTHING)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(JESUS IS LORD)

137. MISS-TERIOUS 137

     firstly I agree with waiting until marriage to have sex, and yes it is unfair to have already had sex for 10 months and now you change your mind.
     Yes you are entitled to change your mind at any given time, but think about what it did to your boyfriend. maybe you gave his ego a blow (no pun intended) and now he is questioning why he should stay with you, men like their egos stroked (speaking under correction).
      we can turn things around and say,”if he really loves you, he would understand and stay”, or ” a relationship is not based on sex”.
     before you make any harsh decision, ponder about it a bit more.
     put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and see how you would feel if it was him telling you that he didn’t want to have sex any more. 
     there are many other ways to be intimate its not only about penetration, but most people prefer to have sex to feel closer to the person they are involved with. maybe the 2 of should explore other means of intimacy and see how it goes.
     have you thought about the fact that you are going to become horny, what is your back up plan? 
     i know my 2cents of a comment might not be of any help, but at the end of the day, you have to decide what is the right choice for you.

138. NonExist 138

     Evan is spot on as always.
     True she does not owe her boyfriend anything.
     And he does not owe her anything either.
     Which means if he breaks up with her because of this, no harm no foul.

     As Evan said though, she should not expect the guy to stick around just because she has had a shift in her spiritual lifestyle.

139. Allegra 139

     Hi,
     First I would like to say that in part, I do not think it was fair to ask Evan this questions as it should have been directed at a Pastor.  Evan is no theologian and is not paid to be one.  You want a Christian counselor, go to one.  But, I do believe that he made some valid points- even though I don’t agree with everything he said. 
     Second, I believe he has every right to be confused on the sex before marriage thing in relation to Christianity/similar religions as the two contradict each other. If sex before marriage is wrong, then why wouldn’t this issued be messy? Evan is looking at it from a logical standpoint and nailed it right on the head by stating that it is unfair to have sex with a guy and then cut him off while expecting him to stay.  Unless this a decision that they made together because they have similar beliefs, the guy is going to jet.
     Poor Evan, I believe that Christian females will be his hardest clients of all.  Most of them will probably fall into two categories: the devout firm believers, and the Christian Atheists (those who claim to believe in God and yet live as if he doesn’t exist).  My religious belief is that God either exists or he doesn’t.  There is no in-between.  And, if he truly exists- then he should be the one we should be going to with questions like these, not Evan.  Evan gives great advice and insight, but you can’t expect him to fix something you already believe is wrong.
     Being a Christian myself, I respect Evan and take his advice with a grain of salt.  But, I have to say I respect him even more after reading the disclaimer at the end about going to the respected clergy instead of him on this issue. 

140. Experience 140

     All rubbish sexual dysfunction is what is called its normal to stop 
     Sex with the one you think you love. Most sexless relationships end and never return.  

141. coz 141

     To the guy who answered the question u are not thinking of the woman religious beliefs goD is all forgiving as u rudely put it but y would u intentionally sin that basically using God wen repenting cause u meant to sin.Sex before marriage is a sin so I respect her decision.Sin seperates us from God and to sin with intent is wrong

142. Peter 142

     Each new sexual relationship is another new attachment stimulated by hormones and nerve patterns.  Each one after the first one is weaker.  Waiting until you are committed is the right strategy for an enduring relationship.  (Although Anne Boleyn made Henry VIII wait and he chopped her head off).  UK statistics are quite clear that people who cohabit before marriage have a higher divorce rate than people who wait until marriage for cohabitation.

     After marriage the opposite rule applies.  Have a lot of sex even when you don’t feel like.  God or not, most catholic Christians (Orthodox, Roman, Anglican, Methodists other reformed) wedding vows include “with my body I thee worship”.  It’s part of the contract.  It’s an obligation.  Break it at the peril of your long term happiness, feminist credo or not.

143. TRUELOVE 143

     I have personally been through this decision myself with my boyfriend of 11 Months. Everything turned out great, we both decided our relationship needed a stronger and solid foundation that didn’t involve us having a sexual relationship.  5 months and the relationship is better then it has ever been, our focus is on bettering our self, and growing closer to God. True love waits, even if the first decision was made to have sex there is no rule book here, it is life. There isba God with standards on how we should conduct our lives. If he really loves you then sex is not an issue, and after making it through this point you will see all the things you were missing…. i believe then when you get married you will feel complete with you, him, and your new life togather. If he decides not to wait for you then it is time to take a stand for the true you, and find a man that will respect you and your decisions on what to do with YOUR BODY! You have control ove that no one else. My boyfriend and I have discovered all we were missing out on and enjoy knowing we truly love one another, knowing we weathered this strom and many others that we are able to take the next step. Good Luck, remember true love and true to you. 

144. Shakesgirl 144

     This is a very difficult decision. I agree with the comments that sex is more about intimacy and connection, than anything else. Yasmin, I think you should listen to your heart, and talk to your boyfriend about your decision. If this is a deal breaker for him, than clearly he is not the one.

145. Richard Hairston 145

     I think that if you are involved with one person of the opposite sex in a intimate relationship that God sanctions the commitment as a marriage. Any sexual activity outside of this relationship is a sin which is promiscuity, fornication and adultry. I also believe that God never intended for the divine institution of marriage to be in the hands of a diabolical nation like America who has no respect for things that are divine at all. Especially when this country sanctions the union of 2 male or female persons. Do you think God is pleased with this??

146. ce100 146

     sex is a sin…until you are married to the person you love…but we all not perfect either…so things we do have to change to improve in ourselves….even sex…just limiting yourself from desires that can get heated into other situtations…so i believe that she is being strong minded for herself…

147. Jadafisk 147

     “I think that if you are involved with one person of the opposite sex in a intimate relationship that God sanctions the commitment as a marriage.”
      
     That’s… an exceedingly unorthodox reading. The Bible says that what God has joined, no man should tear asunder (Mark 10:9). How many “marriages” has the average straight person initiated and dissolved in a lifetime under this interpretation? Easily 5 or 6, and every one beyond the first one would be considered adultery per Biblical edict (Matthew 19:9). In your rush to absolve yourself and fellow straight Christians of fornication, you’ve declared them serial adulterers. I implore you to take the plank out of your own eye.

148. Andrea 148

     This is an awesome response! One of my all time favourites! Made me laugh. Made me shake my head. Made me think about the oh so many ways we seem determined to complicate our lives. So many of us get what we think we want – in this case a great guy, a great relationship but somehow we can’t stand all the ‘great’. Nooooo need a little chaos, need a little tension to keep life ‘interesting’. Got a little too much happiness and serenity going on here….Oi. Not to mention that Evan is pretty clear on this kind of thing – seriously, did she really expect a different answer?

149. Shazza 149

     This can be a problem for those who seriously desire to strengthen their original relationship with God. I am 63 and recently became friends with a 73 yr old man who also said he was a christian. He knew my beliefs before we were even friends and yet as soon as it hit the ‘sex’ question he insulted my intelligence, belittled my values, spitefully withdrew courtesy and the simply shown affection of a hello and goodbye kiss. He boasted that I did not know how persuasive he could be, to which I replied that he did not know how strong minded I could be. He accused me of not loving him, that I had ‘not proven myself enough’ to him. Considering that he himself told me all the other reasons he was drawn to me as far as my ethics and integrity was concerned it seemed he wanted a good woman that was just a little bit bad! I did love him and there were many ways where he did show kindness but because he continually tryed to push my boundaries into a situation wher I would lose total respect for him because he did not value ALL of my values.To this point I had been celibate for 18 1/2 years. In essence I had to break my own heart to protect not only myself but him from the sin of fornication. In any ordinary dictionary it is’a sexual relationship between two people who are not married’ A DICTIONARY folks…NOT JUST THE BIBLE! Scripture says ‘It is better to marry than to burn with passion’. I invited this man to marry me then if he wanted me so much so that we could both enjoy a sexual relationship in front of Gods face instead of behind Gods back. His responce.’Thats an ultimatum!’ And what was his…that if I did not end up having sex with him, he would end the relationship. I am on my own and though I miss his kindness, which may easily now have been just a way to seduce me, I am very thankful that I put my relationship with God first. What ever God requires of me is for my ultimate protection and wellbeing…not for his own selfish pleasure.

150. Jean 150

     Shocked!!!  Wow!!  I cannnot believe most of you people. How dare you all jump on this woman for making a decision about her beliefs, her body, her life, and most important,  her relationahip with God!! How dare you all!! No wonder we have so many sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted  pregnancies. A WOMAN DOES NOT OWE HER BOYFRIEND SEX!! You all should not give these unfair messages out where these young gullible females are reading, believing, then and then go on to think that it is a  crime against the world. Shame on all of you. 
     To Yasmin, honey you are right in your decision. The majority answer does not necessarily mean it is right. My female club members and amy sisters, my cousins all support you 100% . Do what is between you and God. We love you and we’ve got your back.

     I expect these rude harsh responses from men, but al the rude responses from females is a big surprise. 

151. Jean 151

     How are you doing? Hang in there Yasmin. Hang in there baby girl. I feel like you are my daughter, so, please know that some of us love you! 11-16-2012

152. Lucy 152

     @Jean – I’m going to be controversial and say that yeah she does owe him sex, well sort of. Let’s get real. If he’s been having things a certain way and that suddenly changes, then that’ll shock him. Of course it’s up to her to do what she wants but she can’t expect him to be totally on board with that. I mean that’s common sense, and it has nothing to do with what your view on religion is. The same is true if a religious woman got into a relationship making it clear she wanted to save herself, and then the guy tried to persuade her to change the game plan. Both aren’t good. You should start how you mean to go on.

     Okay I admit that I’m an agnostic. I don’t understand what sex has to do with God or why not having sex would bring one closer to God. Just doesn’t sound logical to me. Why would God create us as sexually charged beings and not want us to have sex? I mean if it’s that bad, maybe He should have only given us the ability to reproduce but not experience pleasure from sex? And wouldn’t God want us to be happy if that happiness involves us indulging our sexual passions? 

     Aren’t there other ways she can get closer to God anyway? Would God support her emotionally neglecting him by deciding to stop having sex? I would never deride someone’s religious views as silly…but seems silly to potentially losing an amazing guy. Surely there’s a better way she can engage with her faith.

153. Ano 153

     You are not alone. Go to http://en.allexperts.com/q/Christianity-Christian-Living-1401/2009/3/Sex-Marriage-stop.htm it helped me

154. Kenny 154

     I’m actually in this same situation right now, which is why I am here. I wanted to see what other people had to say. Honestly, I have to say that I don’t think it is fair for you to want to change that part of the relationship and expect him to stay with you. You should be prepared for him to want to leave, because sex plays a key part in relationships. Now, if you had stated before having any sort of sexual interaction with him that you don’t want to have sex until marriage, then you could possibly have avoided all of the heartbreak and uglyness that might be around the corner, because there were no feelings off attachment and love created yet. However, leading someone into a relationship which they believe is going to be sexually open, and causing a person to not only become emotionally, but also physically attracted and attached to you and trying to break that physical part and expecting them to want to stay would be unfair. I’m trying to get my girlfriend to at least understand this, but I don’t want her to have to compromise her religious beliefs because of me, even though I’m an agnostic. It is hard for some men to sexually move backwards, especially completely backwards. However, if these intentions were stated initially, you, nor I, would be having this problem right now

155. Jean 155

     All of the people here who disagree with a woman changin her mind in the middle of the game, may be a little confused or incompassionate, or non understanding, or anti female, or something of the like, when it comes to the way you all are approaching this female person, named, Yasmin. 
     First off, many, many females give in to sex, because of all the notions that society has placed on us. Example: If you don’t give it to your man he will do this, or no man will accept you, or you must be a prude, or you must be strange, or you must be old fashioned, and the list goes on and on. This scolding is not right and not fair. Women allow themselves to give in to the men’s scolding. Females, you should nott allow these scolders to change your convictions. You do not owe any man outside of marriage, a darn thing; sex included!!
     Yasmin, I 100% agree with you and I have your back. I will travel with you around the world and speak up for women to stand against all this pressure to have sex with a man. I am not a troll, and do not hate men, and I have not been in bad relationships with men. IWhen I was a young female, I abstained from sex and did fine, until I met my man and was ready for commitment and sex. I just believe that men use women for sex outside of marriage. If you locked each man that claims that sex is so needed, in separate rooms for 2 years and only gave them food, restoom, television, etc, these men would not die of no sex from a woman. They would survive.
      
     Yasmin, stick to your convictions. Let him go!! So dog gone what. You will do fine without him or any man, as long as you want. Girl, do not let these evil talking people, who are so consumed with sex, make you give in and join the other brainwashed females.
      
      

156. cornflake girl 156

     Well, i have a problem similar to Yasmin, but it’s the other way around. My boyfriend is the one who wants to cut off the sex (because of fear of God)…. Well, i love God too, but i love sex too, intimacy and all…

157. Angel 157

     Your answer to this poor girl was so insensitive.  Her sexuality and her God are both precious to her and you treated them very disrepectfully. 

158. Jean 158

     My comment was not insensitive. Don’t tell lies on me. Read before you comment. It showed her support, rather than having her listening to someone telling her she owes a boyfriend sex. Women are more than sex.  If a man cannot respect that, then it is too bad. If she decides to stop in the middle of the game, then that is what you all must respect. If her boyfriend decided than he needed to stop doing something in the middle of the game, I would support him also.
     Sex is way over rated. It is enjoyable to some and not important to others. You people need to respect a woman and her convictions, when she is not married to a man. That is some of the problem with the abundance of disease and teen pregnancies. We need to teach our girls to say no. Just because a boyfriend wants sex, it does not mean a girlfriend has to give in. 5-2013
     Girls of the world, I support you saying no if you are not ready. Remember, you have a right to do what you want with your body. Trust me, I am an experienced female who abstained until I met a man who committed to me. Before that, I had my mind on God, my job, my family, and my friends. Sex is way too over rated. It puts girls in a dangerous situation.

159. Goldie 159

     @ Jean
      
     “First off, many, many females give in to sex, because of all the notions that society has placed on us.”
      
     And yet Yasmin, who admits that sex with her boyfriend has been “amazing”, is willing to give it up because of the notions that her corner of society has placed on her.
      
     If any of them undergoes a huge personal change and decides to completely change the rules of their relationship in the middle of the game, as you say, that is completely their right. Just like it is completely their partner’s right to say, Wait a minute. Who is this person I’m with? What is this new way of life they’re forcing on me? I didn’t sign up for this. To me this is no different from a situation when, after ten months of being monogamous, one of the partners suddenly decides they need to switch to an open relationship and bring new partners into their bed right now. It is completely their right to do so. But the odds are high that the other partner may walk out, unless by happy coincidence he or she happens to also like open relationships.
      
     “Sex is way too over rated. It puts girls in a dangerous situation.”
      
     Wow. Can I point out that this is your opinion, not Yasmin’s. She likes being intimate with her boyfriend, she’s just being guilt-tripped by whatever religious organizations she belongs to, into no longer having sex. That’s a little different. If she hadn’t liked sex from the beginning, her bf would’ve known that from the beginning and they wouldn’t be in this situation now. TBH my advice to her would be, if you like doing it, keep doing it. Just keep it on the DL and don’t tell your church friends. if there is a god, I’m pretty sure he or she won’t mind two consenting adults having sex as part of a committed relationship. This approach worked for me when I got religion at 22 after meeting my future husband at 20.
      
     PS Pretty sure that Angel’s comment #157 was to EMK, not you. She didn’t say who she was addressing it to.

160. Jean 160

     Golldie,
     Sex being over rated is not just my opinion. It is proven when many people throughout time and across the world have cited examples of this, by revealing that they have not and do not get anything out of the sex act, then hear men and some women, go on, and on, and on, and on, about its importance. GOLDIE, that is what people mean, when they say that something is over rated. Plain and simple, huh? 
      ”Just keep it on the DL and don’t tell your church friends if there is a god, I’m pretty sure he or she won’t mind two consenting adults having sex as part of a committed relationship”   
             This is the way you see things?  Your belief, not mine. This is the way you see your god, not the way I see my God. You see Goldie, we all have opinions, don’t we?  Even you have an opinion. 
     Girls, do not owe their boyfriends sex. Just because most men and some women want sex all the time, does not mean it is okay to condemn those of us who are fine without it in our single years. We need to support all females who choose to not have premarital sex, even when they stop in the middle of the game. If sex is that important to him and not her right now, maybe it’s better that she found out now. This may help her to become stronger for the attacks of the over rating sex crowd. A girl is not validated by any man, not her boyfriend, her husband, and not her dad. Females are vital and important just by being female, with our without sex. Let us stop scolding females for not liking sex and for expressing how little they want and need it. 5-17-13
      

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