Why Women Should Make Men Wait For Sex

romantic couple enjoying the time

If you’ve ever wondered why it seems that men are okay with no-strings-attached sex while women tend to suffer with this arrangement, watch this video closely.

It affirms everything that I’ve ever written about sex and gender in a very logical, concrete manner. In short, women teach men how to treat them. And if, due to equality, birth-control, libido, societal acceptance, and insecurity, many women are willing to have sex with men who don’t call, pay, commit, or make an effort, then those women are essentially teaching men that they do not have to behave well to procure sex.

You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him.

My advice is not to tell men that they shouldn’t sleep with women; it’s to tell women that you must have men make a greater investment in you as individuals before having sex.

This is why I created the 2/2/2 rule to screen men through the online dating process.
This is why I say you should wait 5-6 weeks before he’s your boyfriend.
This is why I tell you not to have sex outside of commitment.

You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him. If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again. Again, I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn’t have to do anything special to get into bed with you.

Note: there will be no comments about slut-shaming, since no one is shaming anyone, nor calling anyone a slut. Nor will there be comments about how you slept with your boyfriend on the first date and he became your husband. The many exceptions don’t disprove the rule that giving men sex without demanding better treatment is not the best idea.

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  1. 1
    Dina Strange

    Great post, Evan. Thank you, thank you so much for saying it just as it is…you truly give invaluable advice to women, and i wish more of them would listen!

    1. 1.1

      This was a so bad they are saying women are nothing but a whore pleas a sexless women will not keep a man ever. Do not praisr this sick thought men do not want sex the need sex and if his women is not liking it or giving it up why would a man need a woman. A man is no god with out sex he is no confident he is not productive he gets fat and lazy. If any women wants a man they must love and enjoy there man or set him free to get it from someone else. This is a very bad way to put women in. I would never be or stay eith a women that used sex as he meal ticket we can get laid any day of the week. Are the women he talking about lezbians or just think they should hold out on sex. Why would a man stay in a sexless relationship. I can cook my own food I am very clean and do not need a women to cook and clean for me. But i will garentee I would never beg for sex I would be so gone it would not be funny. This was disterbing that women use sex as a pay check. Do you know how many women would take care of that man in that sexless marrage get real. Men if you have to beg for sex get out as fast as you can. Why do we want to do this to women do they hate sex that much. Yo can just look at all the women and see how they look who is having great sex with there partners. With out sex and that is more than 2 to 3 times a week why the f— would a man be in that relationship. Find a man you care about and f him to death he will go noware. I feel sorry for women that men cheat because I know he is not getting any from hius wife that is sad. A relationship with out sex is nothing but a roomate sexless partner. Do not take what this said it is going to put yo alone over weight and lacking a man. You have to want to keep your man women play to many games bad move so sorry for going on but this is sick that they put women at a prostitut status. Where is spell ck lol.

      1. 1.1.1

        Michael – Obviously English is not your native language,   but EMK, nor any posters are suggesting a SEXLESS relationship, just cautioning women to wait until the emotional side of a relationship has been established to avoid an LOVELESS string of sexual encounters that never lead to a relationship.
        Everything you said about men needing sex, well MOST women feel that way about LOVE.   And endless parade of men who disappear after sex is a heartbreaking existence for most women.   MOST women don’t want a sexless relationship, but nor do they want a LOVELESS life.   But boy, do plenty of men want no strings attached sex, and will work just as hard at AVOIDING love, while trying to bed as many women as they can.
        Since most women aren’t emotionally able to handle having sex and then being tossed aside, the advice to wait to see a man’s intentions is wise.
        *Please notice I said MOST women, so if you are one of the few woman who enjoys NSA sex, FWB, ONS, etc., fine,   just don’t jump on us women who want an emotional connection.   I don’t care if it is an inborn need   or cultural conditioning either.   If you have “risen above” your biological instincts OR the social conditioning, GREAT, but most of us would like a complete and whole relationship that INCLUDES sex, and is not purely sexual.

        1. Jackie

          Well said

        2. kat c

          amen and amen.

        3. Elle

          I agree with you all the way. But the NSA girls are ruining for us, because of them, men are going to wait until they are middle-aged to find a wife and she will be half his age, so what hope do we have finding someone our own age?

        4. Karmic Equation


          Your fears are misplaced. Average-looking, average income, middle-aged men aren’t going to get the girls “half his age.”

          The good looking, rich, middle-aged man will likely get whatever he wants. That’s always been the case whether or not NSA girls existed.

          Between those models (good looking & average income; and average looking & good income) — you should be able to find a man to your liking.

        5. Karmic Equation

          Oh…and I forgot the men OUTSIDE those parameters: the hot but broke; and the ugly and broke; and the ugly and stinking rich.

          So there are only two demographics a middle-aged woman can’t get, good looking and rich; and ugly and rich — because rich can snag almost any woman. If you can’t find a guy in 4 out of 6 groups, then you should revisit your criteria for a mate.

        6. sharon

          Hear hear. It’s good to hear this truism from a man, because if a woman mentioned it, she would be construed as bitter or jaded about men. Being sexually intimate too early, before an emotional connection has happened, is asking for trouble. Ladies need to always keep in mind, that men do not bond through sex, and only mentally and emotionally, and always with her inner character. If sex was all it took to get men to commit to relationship/marriage, then all prostitutes and porn film actresses would be happily married. Many of them are not, and the ones that are, are married to men who are in the sex industry. It;s correct that most women need to feel loved, in order to physically and symbolically make themselves bare and vulnerable, to share the sex act, with a man.

        7. michael

          SparklingEmerald   It is just sad when I hear American men say no to American women. They tell me they want Russan or Philippine or even a French girl   anyone but an American. I have had wonderfull American women they are just miss understood and hardened with the sex stuff, they have no idea that the sex is the relationship. I wish I could explain it with out hurting anyones feelings but with out a healthy sex life you have no relationship.

        8. ike

          Wow. That I call a answer.(above)

          Women need sex too, but they are more “deep” and complex than men. I am a man and need the “tandem” sex-love”(and partership, bond, complicity…I am in my fifities, but it was like that since I grew up. Sorry about the mistakes and misspells. English is not my native language.


        9. Platinum7

          AWESOME!!! Well said SparklingEmerald, and you put Michael in his place very respectably.

        10. ellen

          You are right and thank you for being right!

        11. Bethany

          Well said

        12. james

          @karmic equation.   Your right about the rich middle aged men n their 40s, however to some younger women a handsome (6+ in looks, work out stay fit) middle aged guy who makes even 75k a year with a nice house and a cool car IS rich.      I rest my case.

        13. Fromkin

          “Women who make men wait are seen as high value. If a man doesn’t invest he will never value the woman”

          A fantastic oversimplification. A lie. I married a girl who didn’t wait. A lot of men have. I worshipped her too.

          Don’t be disposable to men, but if you want to be adversarial in an exclusive thing, uh no, you don’t get valued.

        14. Tonya T Powell


        15. Gladiola

          Great clarification SparklingEmerald!   A mature, experienced man knows this.

        16. Jon Snow

          There is need for these chess games. Go based off vibes and chemistry. How long you make a guy wait for sex is not going to determine whether he stays or not. At the end of the day, if a man is going to leave you, he will leave you regardless. This why there are so many single women out there. Listening to these so called “Love-Guru’s.” Show me the long term statistics that these “strategies” (really games) work?

          Women this will only work on Beta males (insecure men) that you dont want anyway. An Alpha male, (which is what women want) will see past this and drop you for a woman thats not playing these games.

        17. RustyLH

          You know nothing, Jon Snow.

          Couldn’t resist.

          To your post, I would say, that’s not entirely true. Sure, if a woman is just playing games, but in the end, she isn’t really doing much different, it won’t make a difference. For instance, a woman here, noted that she had made the man wait a month. You and I know that from a man’s perspective, a month is nothing. A player can wait a month…or two…or even 3…or even 2 years…

          The month isn’t hard to do. Two years…he can do that if he isn’t having to invest much during that two years, and is seeing other women, even if they are just booty calls.

          It’s not about checks in boxes…”Made him wait 2 months…check.” It’s about making him invest enough of himself, such that a player isn’t going to feel some sex is worth the cost.

          I also watched an interview with an NBA basketball player who noted that he had had many one night stands, and that sex came easy to him. He also noted how he could never find the one who made him want to settle down. Many of those women were likely women that many men would have loved to date seriously, and maybe marry, but he just wasn’t feeling it. He didn’t feel it until one woman made him slow down. She was a high caliber women, and he tried to get her in bed right away. She let him know that she really liked him, and wanted to keep seeing him, but that sex wasn’t on the table…yet.

          He said that for the first time..ever…he got to know the woman as a person, before sleeping with her. They went a year without sex. He said that it was the first time he experienced an emotional connection during sex. For the first time, he experienced love. He ended up marrying the woman.

          As men, we value what we have to work hard for. We don’t value what comes easy to us…and this is especially true for Alphas.

          How much more Alpha does it get than being a Pro Athlete?

      2. 1.1.2
        A REAL Dating Guru

        This is absolutely nonsense. Women should never make men wait for sex. To a REAL man who knows what he wants and goes for it, he’s not going to “wait” because women want to make him play games to get what he wants. A REAL man isn’t going to waste his time with a woman who wants to put him through an “itinerary” and “pre-qual” period before she sleeps with him. REAL men know women know within moments whether or not they’re interested in sleeping with a man and a REAL man isn’t going to put up with a pointless waiting period just because the woman wants to feel reassured in him. If the chemistry’s there, it happens when it feels natural. If the chemistry’s there and the man’s ready yet the woman isn’t, she has trust issues and needs to realize every relationship entails risk and if she can’t respect that and is too worried what society thinks of her for “putting out” or of her “# of sex partners”, she needs to wake up and join women’s lib before she even thinks about pursuing a relationship.

        1. starthrower68

          Just when I think I have seen it all, there’s always something that never fails to take me by surprise.

        2. Joja

          REALity is wearing thin…

        3. aila

          Thanks for your post. I’ve been seeing so many dating articles saying that I guy will never have an emotional attraction if she has sex with him in less than a few weeks or a month. I appreciate your opinion here.

        4. judy

          Well I beg to differ.   If a woman is not ready (or for that matter the man), this is not necessarily a “trust” issue.   Maybe she/he have different ideas of a relationship.   If one just wants sex and the other wants romance, this, for me at least, is not a trust issue, it’s more about communication and honesty.

        5. Kristine

          I agree a real man may not do this to a woman, however most men portray themselves to be real men but they turn out to be immature..   Making a man wait is a good way to weed out the A-holes who are just interested in getting laid.   A real woman does not have time for games and waiting to make sure if the man is worth her time is completely healthy.   Any man who can not respect this decision obviously is not a real man!!!

        6. Destiny Terry

          You just don’t wanta wait ! Period

        7. carol

          wow real dating guru, clearly you are not a woman who has put out “too early” and been judged ” by society” for her decision to act as she feels fit to.   So unless you are a women who has experienced first hand the fucking immense pressures and punishments of “putting out to early”, your not qualified to give an opinion of what she “SHOULD DO” l

        8. Real

          Think about sex from the brain perspective.   Immediate sex is a result of the reptilian part of the brain (lower brain similar to that of animals) procreating to further the species.   Men who have sex this way rarely form any lasting connection.   It is the middle and higher brains that form caring and bonding.   Hence waiting for sex is more likely to result in a longer connection.

        9. Lisa

          I agree 100% with what Evan says. A woman who makes a man wait weeds out the players and low effort men. The men only after sex can go jump. Most women don’t want to be used by men for sex anyway. Other dating gurus are telling women to do this and they are meeting and marrying high quality men. Men only value what they invest in. From jobs to cars to women. Women who make men wait are seen as high value. If a man doesn’t invest he will never value the woman

        10. Corabuckle

          How old are you “A REAL Dating Guru”?   You sound immature.   Exactly what is a REAL man?   A woman should absolutely minimize her risk and take her time.   She might find that she shouldn’t even be talking to a individual let alone having sex with them.   A woman should take the time needed to know who she is allowing into her life.

        11. Kate

          Unbelievably arrogant response.

          A REAL man will respect the wishes of the woman he is with. She is not playing games. She is being smart with her heart and the rest of her body. It takes time to have Sti tests done.

      3. 1.1.3

        I an a man, but Michael, u missed the point hre. She is not suggesting not to have sex, but to wait. That is just to make sure that he is serious about her, and sex is not the end of the game. Of course women need good sex. But in a committed relationship.

        1. michael

          Nate it is just women think it is an option for men to have sex it is a must, ask any Urologists   men must have sex it is a need not a desire or a want. And women take this lightly and think men are just horn dogs try going with out a healthy sex life prostate and all kind of unplesent things happen to a man so it is for real. Sex is the relationship and if it is not there, than a man needs to know it and move on.

        2. JennLee

          Michael, you seem to be mistaken about an important fact.   If we are not in a committed relationship, there is no relationship.   If there is no relationship, I don’t care where he is getting it at, but he’s not getting sex from me.   If he is trying to date me, and I find out he is sleeping with other women, he won’t be dating me anymore.
          You can try to sell you weird ideas that men can’t wait all you want but men have and do wait for sex.   What do Sailors do when they go to sea for 6 months?   Like it or not, we do NOT owe you sex.   We have no responsibility to give you sex.   If you want sex, be a good man.   Make a commitment to a woman.   Care about her future.   If you can’t care enough about a woman’s future to commit to her, why should she care about yours and give you sex?
          Any woman who sleeps with man in the first 3 to 6 months is foolish.   Minimum 3 months, and only when she is certain the man is devoted to her.   If after 6 months, he is still trying to get her to sleep with him, but can’t make an commitment commitment to her, she should make him go away and leave her alone.
          Finally, while you want to bring up that having sex lowers a man’s health risks, there is this tidbit.   There was a strong association between number of sexual partners and having an STD: those women with 5 or more sexual partners were 8 times more likely to report having an STD than those with only 1 partner.
          Also, You will quite often hear that women who started having sex young or women who have a lot of different sex partners are more likely to get cervical cancer. This is true because the earlier you start having sex and the more men you have sex with, the more likely you are to pick up an infection with a high risk, cancer causing, human papilloma virus (HPV). And so then you are more at risk of developing cervical cancer.
          So spare us this song and dance that women must give men sex.   Or do you not realize that we are talking about making men wit for sex, until they choose to commit to us.   We are not talking about denying sex to a man with whom we are in a serious, committed relationship.

      4. 1.1.4
        preening parrot

        Michael (at least you can spell your name correctly)-

        You are so totally illiterate and intellectually challenged it is amazing that you cannot even get a 2 bagger!!!   Obviously you have your brains stuck in your zipper and cannot appreciate or deserve any woman of substance.   Even if you are drop dead gorgeous- most women would not judge the pork chop by its wrapper.   Wake up and smell the coffee- seek therapy to see why you are a true misogynist (look it up in the dictionary).   Evan- you are my hero for being so pragmatic about women and looking out for their best interests!



        1. Mr koolio

          3 to 6 months!   Lol you dont have a bf or hus do you?

          Men can’t wait.   Sailors at see masturbate.   Men on land get it from you ….or someone else .   What women don’t like is that from age 15 to about 30 they are in the driver seat regarding sex and who they will date…. Then their biological clocks start ticking.   At this point, all the geeky guys they wouldn’t talk to in high school Nelsine really attractive since they have a good income end the geeky guys are dumb enough to marry them even though that girl wouldn’t talk to them before and she has now banged everybody in town that are what we now consider losers.   At 40, it is all over. The man rules the game from age 40 on. Here is why men will date any woman as long as she puts out. On the other hand women won’t. After 40 you have three types of guys . The first that are losers and guys who live with her mom . The second set is guys who are committed lifetime bachelors or players in the third set are nice guys who simply got divorced.   Those are the guys that women over 41 today , but the men are not encumbered by these restrictions. We will date any lunatic for a few months as long as we are having great sex…..and half of us have decided after 40 that there is no way we are getting married again.   So there is a very small pool of men that women find desirable….about 25% of all single guys over age 40.   That gives man to one ratio . When I got divorced at 45 , I was not even a player and on one of those   dating sites I soon had five women I was juggling . Now I am a one woman guy so ultimately I settled down with somebody, but she understands a man’s needs.and I understand hers.

          anyway adding to those facts,   men have more money normally at this age end can pick and choose whoever they want and if the woman doesn’t like it …then she can leave. The reason men get trapped in the sexless relationships is because when we are married and have kids, we don’t want to leave, so we stay.   other than that, there is absolutely no reason to stay.   All of this leaves many women angry and bitter.   They thought the parade of male suitors would never end . They are mad that they have lost their sexual power and ability to market themselves.   But, they have no one to blame but themselves , because this is a game that women have created. During the younger years it is like this big gift when a woman decides to have sex with a man . But it is not a big gift if the man works every day and brings home money and is a good father and husband. Those are all just demanded and the woman knows she doesn’t have to put out because he can’t really leave or he won’t see his kids, which is another thing women do punish the man….and who cares if the kids suffer.   If women would accept that the two sexes are different….it would go a lot better.   I accept my gf needs to talk about things to get an emotional attachment so she wants sex…and she understands I need it…so at times we do things maybe we don’t want to do at that moment t….but we do it for each other.   Men are simple….feed us, f**k us, and be a friend and we   Will do just about anything for you.   So many women want to emasculated their husbands so no other woman will find him attractive….but then one day neither does she.   If you just have sex with him, he won’t leave….and 100% of guys want to please their woman….so don’t mAke us guess….just tell us what you like and who knows….maybe you will like it just as much…..instead of treating it like a commodity.   Stay koolio

      5. 1.1.5

        You know that’s not specifically it it’s that men should not expect sex when they haven’t done anything to deserve it. And neither should women. If you treat your man or woman like shit and just expect sex that’s wrong and can definitely lead to abuse. Begging for sex is wrong in both directions. If she is making you beg in order to do it then that’s not right but if she is not ready or does not want it there is more to it and begging her for sex can actually guilt and lessen a bond. Don’t be so shallow as to not realize there’s reasons sometimes. You are correct though begging for sex is wrong. I spent two years of a relationship with my fiance fearing sexual interaction because it merely started as begging..And then he got more demanding and would guilt me and fight with me and treat me wrong just to make me give in and though I have separated from the relationship I am still scarred.

      6. 1.1.6
        Lori M Kuhn

        Interesting comments. What else is there in life besides sex? Besides someone who feels (feels meaning not having to think about sex) ‘feels’ the same about sex? is what you seem to say. And that is true enough to be said.  

        As always, any sex is a complex situation for all. It often involves much more than two inadvertently. Some are addicted to sex and require many sex options to get their sexual satisfaction. Others are able to see clearer and further into the vista, with or without sex. Still others have been sexually incestually or professionally used with intimidating secual means. Still others have wanted legal protection to provide them financial protection for new experiences required by others for no fault of their own. And many more scenarios play in media and today’s justification that everything sexually goes: worlds of open and same and animal sex options as seen as social mores. Other.  

        Emotionally, the connections are variable with pologony verses monogomy. And there are the male led preferences and female led preferences and equal led preferences- and a variety of that option. There are the age disparity, interracial, professional ladder climbing options. Then, there is the ubiquitous fraud options. The wide variety of sex is endless, as well.  

        “Wallowing in Sex” is a book on the sexual culture social broadcasting expansion in early 50-70’s Television New Media, when TV was grown up at around twenty years old and sex was experienced as a generated topic for income, as always used for every business. New Media Advertising with sex as the leader in the marketplace, as usual. There is nothing more fascinating than sex. And how everyone prefers sex in its complexities as seen above. Did I mention gender based sex? I feel this blog specializes in gender based sex. Or seeing both sides of the sexual perspective on the average Joe and Nancy who have not enough sexual chemistry to get and keep them together without sexual acts.

        Being wholly content in a sexual relationship without sex might be the quandary. At times life disallows sex like in sickness, aging, and loss. Something youth may not understand until, then. Without sex (light) the chemistry develops the picture (relationship) might be the best way to say sex is like light to the way things require to be detailed out in the picture of the two people fixed. Marriage can be fraudulent, too, taking something serious and doing legalities meant for sexual couples wanting rights might cause someone to think they care when in fact they may be professional frauds for reasons of their own legal ramifications. Sex is like love, ‘what does sex or love have to do with’ relationships? ‘Sexual love can be a superficial emotion’.

        In the end of a time with another a person knows their choice not ever based on sexual love, sex can always be educated and practiced and developed. Some say love is what is educated and practiced and developed but I feel the most successfulness in sex is taught; love is a given connection, but not always a given emotion, like sex most always is a given easy feeling in the moment of pleasure. Most do not fear sex like love is feared. I feel the two emotions of sex and love should be turned around. I feel love should not be feared and sex should be feared.

        Sex is the dissertation (idea and measurement) of everything and always will be. We should all earn our Ph.D’s in sex for sure because sex is the wonder of the wonders of the world. And should be. Merry Sexmas! Sex is even a religion. And without the faith of sex one is often and commonly banned.

        1. Danielle

          I agree with you. I was fascinated by sex at an early age and began reading extensively about it. People over simplify the subject down to merely a do or don’t issue which hardly gives it the credit it deserves.   Putting so many rules and constraints on the experience of sex hardly gives it a chance to blossom to its full potential. If you so many rules before sex you won’t become unencumbered after but only find new rules after.

      7. 1.1.7

        facts my brother. Micheal you said exactly what i was thinking as i read some of the post. It scares me that some woman picture all men to be like this and see sex and life in general in this way.

      8. 1.1.8

        It’s not using sex as a paycheck.   It’s called following God.   Have you ever heard of the Bible?

      9. 1.1.9

        Men know how to get to womans emotions to give it up easy when SHE isnt ready. it isnt about playing games its about setting your value. OUR pussy is powerful it has value , clearly and giving it up easy isnt the right the thng to do. thats where ” make him work for it” comes into play. yes some women do lay games but men do too the point of the matter is you appreciate something more if you work for it. if all you got out of this is that women   and sex are objects and we should just give it up because u feel we should and that what this video is saying is prostitution then you dont understand the simple mechanics of a   relationship or human nature. THE POINT IS SET STANDARDS. Call it prostitution all you want , but if a man gets it easy he’s not going to respect you in the long run and it wont last. men tell women all lot of bull shit just to dip in the honey pot and then dash off once they do. MAKE HIM WAIT FOR IT IF YOURE NOT READY. IF HE DONT WANNA WAIT THEN HE A LIL ASS BOY WHO CLEARLY JUST WANTED A NUT. A mature man that wants you will realize your value and respect you and show you he wants you.

      10. 1.1.10

        Michael  men  too  have  issues .There cmes a  time  when  when the  woman  wants  and  the  man  is  not  interested  at  all  that  means  your  driving  the  woman  to  get  it  from  out.So   just  as u  said  tgere  is  no  need  of  staying  in a  sexless  relationship.

        NB u  guys  shoukd  know  that  these  problems  are  two  sided.

    2. 1.2

      What about if the guy did wait 2 years or 3 but the girlfriend still dont want to have sex. Should he keep waiting? If they really love eachother why keep waiting 2 or 3 years is wait too long.   

      1. 1.2.1

        Maybe he should stop waiting and marry her?

        1. jose

          Jennlee he wants too but she said she is not ready yet.  

        2. A REAL Dating Guru

          Why, so that she can entrap him now that he’s finally given in and married her? Women who make men wait are selfish and many of them are out sleeping with men they’re actually attracted to sexually behind his back. I know this because I’m the attractive stud who’s slept with women who were married and had boyfriends but weren’t putting out with them.

          Don’t be fooled. Don’t settle. If she won’t do what you want, move on.

        3. JennLee

          Obviously you are not a real dating guru.   You have bad advice for men.   Most women do not run around getting sex while they try to manipulate men.   The fact that a minority do this does not affect how I will lead my life.   It also will not affect how a good man leads his.   People can make any number of excuses for making bad choices in their life.   If you want to bed hop from one woman to the next, be my guest, but you won’t be making a stop in my bed.   People like you will never know what true intimacy is like.   You’ve never experienced, or you are so weak that one bad woman hurt you so bad that you can’t function in a healthy relationship anymore.   You will never know the joy of having a woman who is truly your best friend AND lover.   Why are things so screwed up these days?   Because people turn a blind eye to bad behavior, and worse, reward it.   I would rather be alone than allow dysfunction into my life and relationships.   There are plenty of good men out there, and many have no trouble waiting for women that they think are worth it; women who do not hop in bed with men they barely know.

        4. Lzzz

          Hey REAL Dating Dude-Bro:


          Your bitter, entitled attitude toward women is showing and it’s not attractive. Just because you’ve acted immaturely with these women in the past doesn’t allow you to pass judgment on all women. If the only anecdotal information you have to share is about how you sleep with women who are in relationships, then congrats, all of you are horrible people. Now piss off.

      2. 1.2.2

        All very interesting and the comments have taught me just as much if not more than the video so I feel obliged to contribute in any way I can. That being said, here is my story.  I have found myself here because of a sexual encounter I had with an older woman. It was something she said seconds after we had sex. I had been on two dates with her and on the evening of the second date, I took her out for supper and we got very drunk and went back to her place and had sex. Her immediate reaction afterwords was one of frustration and she said that “now we have had sex you’re not going to call me”. To this I replied “ovcorse I will, 24 year olds don’t not call back”. To which she laughed. End of story: I didn’t call back and instead found myself thinking about what she said so googled my, re-occurring, and what feels like a disease, problem of loosing interest right after ejaculation. I genuinely would like to find something more meaningful but I’m finding it very difficult to maintain interest. To be honest I’m pretty sure every time I’ve lost interest I’ve known it was going to happen. I think she had a pretty good idea as well.  

        1. Danielle

          Why do you think you lose interest?

      3. 1.2.3
        A REAL Dating Guru

        True story. A woman who doesn’t put out doesn’t care about her man. A relationship is about meeting each other’s needs. That entails sexual needs as well. Any woman who makes a man wait and go unfulfilled doesn’t care about him and the man’s a fool for putting up with her. The whole point of being in a relationship is to better each other, you can’t do that if your needs are going unfulfilled.

        If she isn’t putting out, move on. Their are plenty of GREAT, beautiful women in the world who will gladly sleep with you from day 1 who aren’t the stereotyped “terrible” women society wants you to believe.

        1. Chopsi

          And what is she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship with him yet? What if he just popped up out of no where wanting to run off into the sunset while she was minding her own business dating other men? What is she wants to make love with a friend? Must she decide right then and there, during that first week, whether or not to have sex with him just because he wants it? This isn’t a case of a woman not giving the man she loves sex and building a relationship. It is a case of a woman not knowing the man whatsoever and he feeling entitled. You show me respect. I’ll give you respect, happily and gleefully. It must be mutual.


      4. 1.2.4

        Jose – I would suggest that the girl is definitely “just not into” your friend. He should consider moving on – more than likely he is being used.

      5. 1.2.5

        Jose it is ok to have a sexless friendship BUT BUT BUT just know the man is getting sex someware so it is up to you. Why would you want your man to go anyware but home for sex.

    3. 1.3

      It’s the old “Be the gatekeeper to see if you own him” game.
      Guess what?
      Games is what keeps generations of men from being happy monogamists.

  2. 2

    Ummmmmm.   I agree that if a heterosexual relationship is going to go anywhere, generally the woman has to put the sexual brakes on early in the relationship while the emotional side establishes itself.   I believe this because, unfortunately, my own romantic history is somewhat littered with examples of me not doing this and things not ending well, until I eventually realised I had to play the delaying-sex card if I wanted the relationship to have a shot at being serious.   But I have to say I’m personally not sure that this is anything to do with how men and women just naturally “are”.   I do think it has a lot to do with social roles and expectations for men and women in our culture.   OK, I have a pretty high sex drive. I’ve had a higher sex drive than almost all men I’ve ever dated.   But I certainly have other female friends with that issue.   So on early dates, if I’ve been single for a while and I’m attracted to the person, frankly, I’m really horny.   Especially once there’s been a bit of kissing etc going on, 90% of me is clamoring to jump this man’s bones and get him into bed, NOW.   But I know really I shouldn’t.   The man in question, if you ask me, generally has the same internal clash between 90% raging hormones and 10% knowing we probably shouldn’t go there yet.   But it’s my job to get a grip on my hormones (and believe me, that is NOT easy) and say no.   Because, um, society has dictated that’s my job and not his.   Frankly, I find it boring, occasionally almost physically painful, and a bit unfair.   But one of us has to put the brakes on – I accept this – and apparently it has to be me.   I find that as outdated as the one paying for dinner having to be him, but there you go.   Social stereotyping is such that women are allowed and even on some level expected to turn down a good number of sexual opportunities, whereas men are expected to always be up for it.   Personally I don’t think that reflects the true state of male vs female libidos.   But it sure does reflect Western gender roles.   Sigh.   

    1. 2.1

      I cant agree more with you on this!! my sex drive tends to be very high also and if i date someone im very attracted, i just want to have sex with him right away and yup its hard to do it, but oh well like you said, society sets thats our responsability in order to get a healthy relationship. I think that if the man is worth the wait, he treats me well, he is fun, romantic, then its a lot easier to wait,   5 weeks its not that long i guess…

      1. 2.1.1
        A REAL Dating Guru

        If a man isn’t mature enough to respect and appreciate a woman for putting out early on when chemistry’s obviously there, that’s his problem. Making men jump through hoops and pointlessly wait is control issues and something real men of value aren’t going to put up with. This is coming from a man who has slept with countless women over the last few years in my twenties, a man who gets to pick and choose who he sleeps with just about every night from a handful of women. This is also a man who loves and respects each and every one of his sex partners because he doesn’t fall into that stereotyped jerk guy who can’t have feelings and respect with a woman for putting out on the first meet.

        1. JennLee

          You are very immature. Your description of a REAL man who won’t wait is more like a child who can’t wait. A REAL man would respect a woman’s wish to wait. A real man won’t accuse a woman of playing mind games when she is simply honest about wanting to wait until she is in a relationship before she has sex. The sex you describe is as gratifying as masturbation. It’s about sexual pleasure, not sexual intimacy. You can’t experience sexual intimacy and love when you are sleeping with several women at once. It takes time for intimacy to build between two people. If you are sleeping together on the first date, you aren’t getting to the intimacy and love.

          I saw an interview with a high profile pro athlete several years ago. Sex came easy to him also, and he had the same attitude that you do. However, he met a woman he really wanted to have a relationship with, but she did not want to just be another notch on his bedpost. It was not her style to just hop in bed. So for several months they dated and spent the majority of their time together, and in his own words, they became best friends, and built an intimacy together, which he said he learned was something he had never experienced. He said that had he chosen not to wait for this woman, he would have missed out on this wonderful experience.

          So maybe there is hope that you too will grow up one day and find true intimacy. Don’t even try to claim that you have found it with women you slept with from day 1, because we know that just proves that you have never actually experienced it. If you had, you would know how silly it would be to claim you experienced with a woman you started sleeping with from day 1.

          And this also shows why I won’t waste my time with younger guys.

          Yes Ladies, step right up, fall on your back with your legs in the air, and take your turn with this REAL gem. A real sweetheart he is. Gosh, you wouldn’t want to delay, because if you make him wait, he thinks so highly of you that he will just run off and mount some other female who is willing assume the position immediately. Now what lady wouldn’t feel special getting a REAL prize like this fella? If you are special enough, he might pencil you in as a regular member of the rotation.

        2. starthrower68

          I’m betting this young man is a millennial, and that is the prevailing attitude. Because what one generation tolerates, the next will embrace. Hooking up is just the natural extension of the free love sexual revolution of the 60’s.

        3. Lzzz

          Are you implying here that you are a man of value?? Because you’re demonstrating very clearly that you have little to no value, and only want women who also have little to no value. Your narcissistic attitude is going to bite you in the ass pretty hard one day. Good luck with that.

        4. Dolisha Jones

          Um Dating Guru,

          I’m a female. Right now I’ve been dating this guy for almost 4 weeks now. There has been no sex. I kissed him for the first time last night.

          Let me tell you something WOMEN WANT SEX! WE HATE PLAYING THIS GAME OF WAITING. WE HATE IT!!!!! WE HAVE HORMONES, NEEDS, SEXUAL NEEDS!! IT’S HELL TO MAKE A MAN WAIT. WE DO NOT ENJOY IT AT ALL!! I’m tired of being the strong one, TIRED! We have no choice, because the alternative (having sex and then he never calls back) is SOOOOOO PAINFUL, HUMILIATING, LONELY AND HURTFUL!

          I hope you read and understand everything in the above paragraph.

          P.S. Women HATE waiting for sex!

        5. Sylvana

          I kind of have to agree with A real Dating Guru on this one. Hats off to him for not judging a woman for sleeping with him right away if the chemistry is right. As long as you still respect your partner afterward (this goes for men and women) it really shouldn’t matter.

          To me, this whole holding out/being expected to hold out thing is nothing but a game. I can’t really call it control issues, since it is forever drilled into women that they are supposed to behave this way.

          But it is, nevertheless, nothing but a game. Using sex as a tool for manipulation.

          There’s nothing wrong with holding out if the woman needs to feel more of an emotional connection before she has sex. But if she’s into him, and has no problems with it, why should she hold out? Just because culture dictates that she is supposed to?

          Any man (and woman) can just readily still get it somewhere else while he/she “waits” for you.

          Why do we have to pretend? I much prefer honesty and non-judgmental partners.

    2. 2.2

      Liz – I never comment on these things but your post really hit home for me..
        I guess I always subconsciously thought that women just had a lot more self control when it comes to sex but hearing you explain it, it sounds like it’s just as rough for you guys too.
      I’m going to really try to do my part from now and listen to that 10% especially if I know it’s not gonna work out, Ive really hurt some feelings unintentionally and it never feels good

      1. 2.2.1
        Melinda Lohne

        John. You rock!   🙂

        1. Mr. Remorseful

          I totally agree with Liz, John and Melinda.

          I was in the same boat as John and hurt people intentionally, if I could I would ask the one I hurt for forgiveness.

      2. 2.2.2

        I wish more men understood that women want it just as much.   We just don’t because the ramifications of sex without commitment are too high.   This is the source of many women’s depression and lack of self esteem

        1. InPain

          Jackie, I hear you. I’m actually in tears reading this.   I fell in love with a man that pressed me to be physical with him, telling me that’s how he feels loved.   It’s not what my heart wanted, but I gave in, thinking he would feel loved, but then the beautiful courtship ended after having sex.   And I’m in pain and feel so much regret.   I don’t even think some guys know this about themselves, and he can’t bring his heart to see a future together anymore.

      3. 2.2.3

        I’m so happy to hear you say that John, I wish more men would understand that it’s not easy. I’ve allowed myself to get hurt too many times because my hormones took over and I knew at the moment it happened that things would probably not progress too far with that person. I just wish that every man knew that women do want sex, sometimes maybe even more than them – but we have this choice to make that apparently men don’t.

    3. 2.3


    4. 2.4

      Liz, that’s me too! It’s not that I’m slutty, I just have a really high libido. But I’m tired of being tossed like a used kleenex, especially as a newly single woman in my late 40s. Somehow I thought men around this age would be different, but nope! So yes it is painful, but not as painful as that awful used feeling when the man I really liked and was attracted never calls back once we have sex. Ugh. I’m worth more. Even worth abstaining (sniff…)

      1. 2.4.1

        i agree.    men will lie and manipulate u saying plans with u in future.    After sex ?   He’s a totally new person .    I’m on a dating site.   And after two dates , he stated that he wants a relationship but he has to have sex with a girl first to test out the merchandise before committing.    I told him that I’m waiting on sex because I want to get to know him.   So he said , he will go out and have sex with other girls while we get to know each other.    Lol.    Hell no !       Men u don’t need sex from everyone on first date.      It’s not like u are going to die if u don’t get it

    5. 2.5

      Could not say it better. I’m putting the brakes on now and it is hard but I want a real relationship with a best friend. He approached me. I had never thought of him in terms of a relationship before. I need to get to know him outside our profession. It may never happen if he keeps pushing me, and then I probably will pull out the sex toy or find a guy I have no intention of building a relationship with for sex.

  3. 3

    Liz: thank you so, so much for sharing my feelings. Nature or nurture questions aside, it is hard not to feel frustrated and even saddened to have to take primary responsibility for delaying sex. I am a highly sensual woman and when I feel a kinship, easy communication along with a magnetic attraction to a good man, I have THE most difficult time saying no. The desire for sexual union is so strong that I feel like a total slave to my body and hormones in those moments. If only it were so easy to be the gatekeeper.   While I agree for the most part with Evan’s observations, this is the oversight in every analysis out there: that women aren’t as lusty as men are. More discriminating? For sure. But if I feel an emotional +sexual+mental+spiritual connection, you bet your ass what I’m really thinking about all night is being in bed with him. And there is that difference again that keeps burning me because I don’t change this behavioral pattern of mine: I’m the one who’s having the emotional attachment and story about it…not them.

  4. 4

    Interesting post Evan and video… But it does slice both ways. Recently I met a woman online (she is 61; I am 58) and we seem to have a nice positive energy.   We did flirt a bit with each other, which we both enjoyed… but it was flirting, not ‘lets make a deal’ scenario.   In the second call I made to her I told I could not see her for a week as I was out of town and made other plans for the following weekend.   She zeroed in on ‘who was I seeing besides her’ and that she made very clear that she “wanted to be courted before anything would happen” physically.   Then she proceeded to tell me that she tell me that she was ‘disappointed’ that iin the first call I mentioned , I normally don’t bring flowers/candy on first dates (heavy investment)   but rather start casually (coffee/drink) and go from there.   She again told me she can have sex at any time, and she wanted something more in a relationship before anything physical.   It was the ‘more’ part that made me wonder exactly she had to offer to make any one sided demands to me.
    I was taken aback by her menu driven dating and began to lose interest….quickly.   I don’t date pushy or demanding women.   (If that’s what I wanted, I would still be married!!)      I want warm, feminine energy directed towards me, not negotiating.      Sex is easy .. a relationship is a journey.   If these interactions are not at least playful and easy from the start, they rarely ever become.   
    End of story:      I never called her back; nor did I ever meet her.

    1. 4.1
      Dina Strange

      Some women like to be courted…that’s what makes her feel feminine.

      1. 4.1.1

        I share your sentiment but I’ll add that just because a woman likes to be courted, that doesn’t mean she should place demands on a man before she’s even met him. If it were me, and a guy said that he wanted to go out with me, but we’d have to schedule a date after he gets back from a trip next week, I’d say, “That’s fine! Have fun!” Then wait and see if he calls after his trip. That’s how it should be in the beginning. You  don’t get treated well by laying down the law. You SHOW the guy what you find acceptable through your actions. And I think she went a little far with the flowers and candy bit. I’d much rather have a guy think of those things on his own, and not just give them to me because I asked him to. It’s much more romantic if women just let the guy court them the way the guy wants to do it.

        1. tatiayna

          Flowers and candy mean nothing. If a man brings them on a first date, don’t assume you’re special. It’s simply his MO, he brings them on every first date he goes on! I toss them.. So I don’t get caught up the .. AWW wasn’t that sweet of him!

    2. 4.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      I don’t blame you, Greg. That woman was a shitty date and was interviewing you for the part of being her husband. That’s very different than saying after five great dates when she’s back at your place that she doesn’t like sleeping with men who have active profiles, don’t you think?

    3. 4.3

      [email protected] I must admit that this woman sounds like a real piece of work, but I am curious, what prompted you to tell her that you don’t bring candy & flowers (heavy investment)on a first date ?   Did she ask, or did you just volunteer
      that ?   I don’t expect such things   on a first date, but I would be put off my a man who would put that out there unprompted.   I wouldn’t tell a man what I “don’t do” in the early getting to know you stage, unless he directly asked me.   Even though there are lots of things I don’t do, on a first date or EVER, I wouldn’t tell a guy my “to don’t ” list.   I certainly wouldn’t tell a guy I could have sex at any time either like she did.    Also, if a guy told me he was going out of town for a week, I would tell him to have fun !   I would also never expect to hear from him again, because EVERY guy who ever told me he was going out of town, and would call me when he got back NEVER has.   So I have come to believe it is some sort of way of ending the interaction without coming right out and saying “Now that I’ve talked on the phone with you, I’m not interested”
      I am just curious, were you really going out of town ?   Not trying to give you a hard time, but I am just wondering, if   “going out of town” is sort of the guy equivalent of a girl saying “I’m really kinda busy the next coupla weeks”  
      BTW, I am with you on keeping the first getting to know you dates, low or no cost and low key.   I PREFER that,   first dates should be focusing on getting to know each other.   I would rather a guy spend his TIME than his DIME in the early phases.   It’s really awkward to turn a guy down for a second date   after he has brought flowers, and taken a girl out to an expensive meal.   I’d like to save the really fancy stuff until things are really starting to look “relationship possible” and until I meet a guy face to face, I can’t really know by his profile.   

  5. 5
    Ann Erskine

    As an older woman and a sex therapist one thing that you are overlooking Evan (and I do remember the world precontraceptive pill) is that when women withhold sex or ration it or whatever term you choose to fit with the idea of sexual “economics” the suppress their sexuality band desire. Then we start seeing lack of arousal as a major psychological problem for women. And that’s a problem for men….married or single.

    1. 5.1

      I feel as though this article is being misinterpreted by some. In my view, it’s not that Evan is telling women to ‘withhold’ or ‘ration’ sex, the point is that you don’t open that door until you are sure that he is really  interested in being your man. I identify a lot with this because I have a hard time opening myself up sexually to someone unless I am at least somewhat sure of their overall intentions. The point is not to us sex as a weapon against men, the point is to use it sparingly at first until you know the seeds of something more are there. Once he’s your man (or well on his way to being your man), open the door and have as much sex as you all please.

  6. 6

    They never mentioned divorce rates as why men wont marry…If u can guarantee a man that this particular woman will always be his things might be different. But since the very woman that wanted your commitment could very likely be the very woman to cheat on u, divorce, and try to take your children and future earnings away what is the point…Evan excuse me for this but us men that read your blog faithfully are tired of you giving women a past and trying to make them seem like these innocent flowers that would never hurt a soul. There are alot of men that would beg to differ. #teamvasectomy

    1. 6.1
      Dina Strange

      What are you talking about? Evan never takes sides – he just presents facts or his own opinions. I don’t think he ever gave “pass” to women or men.

    2. 6.2

      I can understand this.   I think it’s really sad that women treat men like that. Some women really do hurt men.   It is completely understandable that the divorce rates make men gun shy about marriage, especially since a good number of them are filed by women.

      Unfortunately, there are also men that allow women to think she’ll always be his wife and then he will later abandon and divorce her.   I only divorced my ex-husband because he cheated on me no matter how much sex he got or how good of a wife I tried to be. I finally realized my behavior was never going to get him to care about me or be faithful.

      My divorce would be factored into the high percentage of wives who file for divorce, but I did not want to be the one to file. He made it clear in word and action that he did not want to stay married, but he did not want to be the bad guy and actually file the paper, so I did. I always wonder what the actual percentage of divorces filed by women would be if you left out the divorces where the woman only filed because her husband was beating her or insisted upon cheating on her.   I know of some women who divorced husbands much nicer than mine. I shake my head at that because I would have traded in a heart beat, but I also know of quite a few women who really didn’t want to divorce but were practically forced to choose between that and their physical health (because of domestic violence or the threat of STDs from their unfaithful ex).

    3. 6.3
      Simon Roberts

      While this website is aimed at women, you raise a good point. In my experience, women are far more likely to cheat than men yet they still expect men to demonstrate  commitment up front.

      I’m not suggesting that all women know beforehand that they are going to cheat (although some will) but given their general lack of fidelity it’s a bit rich to expect a man to jump through hoops for her when the probability is that after he has demonstrated commitment  she is going to cheat on him.

      I can understand why some men avoid commitment. It’s just a practical self-defense mechanism.

      1. 6.3.1
        Karmic Equation

        “…women are far more likely to cheat than men…”

        Links to study or studies, please?

    4. 6.4

      I can get where you are coming from.   But as a woman who has known a lot of men who had no respect for women I would have to disagree.   I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.   For me that is.   Everyone else can do whatever they please, but I don’t trust a man in a relationship  who wont marry me and wont give me access to his life.

      Sex for women is life threatening.   Not just diseases but all of the complications of pregnancy.   Contraceptives don’t always work and more often then not something (even if it is little) goes wrong.   Every time a woman has sex with you she risks her life, her safety, her career (because prolonged illness caused by complications in pregnancy, miscarriage, or from STD’s  have cost more than one woman her job), and her reputation with family, friends, and coworkers depending on the dating situation.

      The least a man can do before asking a woman to trust he’ll be around for that, is be willing to commit if the shit hits the fan.   Don’t fuck someone that you wouldn’t be willing to compensate for the hardship your dick  might end up putting her through.   Because I can guarantee that no sex ever is worth the pain of a guy  never accepting responsibility because he thinks that he doesn’t have to because he isn’t married.

      And that is what you are saying.   You don’t want the responsibility of picking the wrong woman because you are afraid she will leave you.   And you aren’t afraid of the emotional pain.   You are afraid of the financial strain.   That was what you focused on.   Money.   So think of sex this way.   It costs women money.   Contraceptive, doctors appointments, time off from work because what gynecologist works nights and weekends, the psychiatrist when yet another man turned out to just be using her for sex until he finds the one and justifies it by convincing himself she is a gold digger.

      And even if you never marry her you can cost her a lot more than it will ever cost you even if you are married.   So if you want  sex without emotional commitment.   Hire a prostitute.   The safest ones to hire are going to cost you more than two months of dating for a lot less time.

      1. 6.4.2

        Thank you Linda for spelling out the practical, physical cost that few women ever talk about. You expressed exactly what I believe too.

  7. 7

    As a woman who is looking for a long term relationship — not marriage or cohabitation — I found the article to be very depressing.      The video makes me feel that making a guy wait isn’t actually the best solution for this supply and demand scenario because if you don’t have sex with him another woman (i.e. your competition will).    So,   if you have sex, you lose and if you don’t have sex, you lose as well.   This is especially the case if you are dating a man who is highly desirable.      
    One thing this video didn’t acknowledge is that not all men are created equal in their access to sex.   Based on this blog as well as many others that I have read as well as dating sites, there are tons of guys who are not getting sex at all.      So, it seems that the best solution is to date the men that other woman don’t really want and wait to have sex with him until there is commitment.   Now that I think about, I guess that is what Evan has been saying when he mentions not going for the Alpha Guy or the guy who is rich, tall, educated etc.   Yet, when I think about in economic terms   and that what   it really means   is date the guy that other women don’t want, it makes me feel like a loser.   
    I was doing some soul searching the a few weeks ago and when I looked at my list for what I wanted in a boyfriend, I realized that if I was really honest with myself, I was looking for a man that would do two things:   1.   Validate me (confirm to ME that I am lovable) hence my desire for him to share the same interests, values, and beliefs, and 2.   Elevate Me (show OTHERS that I am special and worthy) hence my desire for him to be handsome, successful, and cultured.   

    1. 7.1

      Your responses are telling.   You are publicly admitting to solipsism and self absorption – only interested in how a man makes you look to the wider world.   You are explicitly stating that a man being a loser makes you a loser by association – great sentiments.   good luck finding a man with that attitude.   Would love to know what you bring to the table, demanding he be better than you.

    2. 7.2

      Nah, the right man wouldn’t go messing around on you in the first five weeks. A respectable man would actually respect you more for it and keep it in his pants.

    3. 7.3

      The problem I have with this is that it’s the same reason that women go after unavailable men (taken, emotionally unavailable, the one who won’t settle down…because you think that man is better than the other one but if you’d watch dating coaches on YouTube you’ll see they actually encourage men to be unavailable so really it’s all a big game and you’re going to end up with someone that doesn’t value you enough. Men create the illusion that they aren’t someone else’s reject. I think it’s hilarious. You should just be someone if you want them…not just because some other girl does. No wonder our world is falling apart…there’s no sincere love…

    4. 7.4

      Never look to someone else to validate you or elevate you.   That is your responsibility to do that for yourself.   You can’t truly love someone until you love yourself.   You can never truly be happy in a relationship (whether he is the most desirable man or not) until you start to believe that you are worthy of love.   In my own experience, if you can love yourself for who you are, you can love someone for who they are and that’s a true and healthy relationship.   I am attracted to reliable, stable men who are positive and enjoy life.   It’s the energy I feel from a man that attracts me. Looks and status are only a bonus if they’ve got them.

  8. 8

    Nice visualisation of ideas i’ve heard before. I am a 27 year old female with a strong sex drive. I would say stronger than my 37 year old BF. Im in an interesting position because I very much want to get married and start a family etc..I had a BF from a South American background at 18 – 23 who probably would of married me, his culture is like that. But I wasn’t ready and I had issues. These issues existed before him, so yeah I needed that journey. That journey turned into lots of casual sex. I went through a stage where I was uncomfortable about this sex. Not because I didn’t like the sex, I had no problem with it, but because eventually my values changed and I was concerned about it would affect my chances of find a great guy for marriage. Eventually I stopped torturing myself – I accepted my high sex drive. I decided that if my high number and possible climbing of it (it did slow down) then so be it I’d continue life partnerless. Then I meet the 37 BF. Ten years difference. I had made a mental decision about sticking to the older guys as I was finding younger guys so wishy washy. To be fair though, I turned down a fair few guys interested in more than sex when I was sleeping around but I also turned down those indecisive imature ones as well. Im not saying me and the BF will get married, but its going well so far. While I agree that jumping into sex when you want to invest into a meaningful relationship is a huge risk – I also found out that my BF is a catch and we slept together on our third date. I don’t think he would of dumped me so quick but if I’d waited longer than 5 or 6 – then his interest would of wondered. I know this because we spoke to a girlfriend of mine and she said she was going to make a guy wait 90 days. He bluntly said that if she did that too him no matter how hot she was or how good the connection then he would have issue. Because frankly there are lots of other girls of her calibre out there who’d go for him so bye bye…interesting point. I basicly said to him that for me its about timing and if he’s at the right time to let himself fall in love and commit then im down. If he’s not im gone. It made no difference whether we had sex early or not. Because he could get sex any time anyway and so can I.

    1. 8.1
      Lady Tee

      How does sleeping around mess up your chances of finding a suitable mate when you’re ready??   As long as you’re safe you should be ok.   Contrary to dumb belief, sex does NOT “ruin” women!

      1. 8.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Right on!
        Physically, it’s childbirth that “ruins” a woman. Her vaginal canal stretches and loosens and most women often gain weight they never lose.
        But no woman thinks that childbearing “ruins” her, most likely because children are our most wonderful legacy to the world 🙂 Whereas sex with the wrong guy can cause heartache beyond bearing.
        That said, too many women don’t shy away from bearing children out of wedlock, particularly those in lower socio-economic classes. And most women seek marriage so they can have children.
        That’s irony.

      2. 8.1.2

        Because a respectable person would want a person who values and respects themselves and has self worth enough to keep their legs closed/ keep it in their pants rather than be easy and give themselves away. I wouldn’t trust anyone who sleeps around not to cheat. Not would any other smart person.

        1. Rachel

          Nor *** would any other smart person.

        2. NK

          I don’t understand this notion that a high number automatically means cheater. Shouldn’t a history of cheating indicate cheating???
          A high sex drive can be controlled by having sex with just one person. What’s so difficult for.people to understand?  

        3. CC

          That would be great, but it is not reality. Single people want sex. If you wait to find Mr. Perfect gentleman who wants to really get to know you and be your best friend before sex…..Sahara Desert. Truth: we single people sleep with people who are attractive and not too socially repugnant to get laid sometimes. No apologies. And if men are too indoctrinated by society to judge a woman for her biological and emotional needs, then he is not worth your time and you just weeded him out. If you want an egalitarian relationship, do what you WANT to do and if you get judged…Adios. I can’t be drawn into teaching men manners and empathy, consideration and respect by withholding sex. Is this the 21st century?

        4. Karmic Equation

          That’s called a “pre-emptive strike”. If no one wants to sleep with you, then it’s better to tell all the people with options that they’re easy or have low self-worth, than to admit to yourself no one wants to sleep with you.


          There is no such thing as “self-control” if there’s nothing ever happens to test it.


          Self-worth comes from within, not from what other people confer to you. Sleeping with someone because you want to displays your self worth better than trading sex for a label.

        5. JennLee

          Oh how one does assume KE.


          I think some people just have a different opinion on this.   For some of us, it takes more than good looks and not being too socially repugnant, for us to want to sleep with them.


          Also, the free sex crowd always ignores that video that Evan posted, which shows that sex is not in fact free.   By being so casual about sex, you do put a cost on those who wish to reserve with just people they are in a serious relationship with.


          And then there is the fact that we often hear, where have all the good men gone?   Well, Evan also had an article, I believe, or I read it somewhere else, that talked about how the privileged in our society often don’t develop positive qualities such as empathy.   We have seen that in our own lives.   It’s not always the best looking guys who make the best boyfriends.   Some of them are very cruel and selfish people.   Because it is so easy for them to get a girlfriend, they never had to develop fully in their personality, where as the guys who aren’t as good looking have to develop a nicer personality, or they won’t find a wife.   They can’t fall back on their looks.


          Well, the same holds true for the sexual revolution.   It wasn’t free and it didn’t liberate us.   It make things worse, because now that men can get plenty of sex outside of a real relationship, they don’t actually have to develop into a man a woman would want to spend the rest of their life with.   That puts a burden on all women.   Where did all the good men go?   Now you know.

      3. 8.1.3
        Simon Roberts

        “How does sleeping around mess up your chances of finding a suitable mate when you’re ready??”

        Because past behaviour is the best indication of future behaviour. Someone who is in the habit of “sleeping around” isn’t going to magically change the moment they  has a ring on their  finger. That doesn’t even happen in fairy tales, let alone real life.

        Look at the divorce statistics compared to numbers of pre-marital sexual partners and it’s shockingly clear.


        1. Karmic Equation

          Puh-lease. That saying is referring to CRIMINAL behavior and criminal psychology.

          While single, I “slept around” when I felt like it. In relationships, I have been faithful.

          Men don’t understand this, especially UNattractive men who’ve never had the options that attractive men and most women have.

          Attractive, and even marginally attractive, women can get propositioned on a regular basis. But MOST women aren’t likely to up those offers because most men who proposition aren’t that attractive to most women…and most women aren’t turned on by sex with strangers the way men are.

          Don’t conflate “opportunity” to “actuality”.

          MOST women do NOT cheat. Just as MOST men do not cheat.

          However, “who cheats with you will cheat on you” — so yeah, if you started your relationship with a cheater, the cheater will cheat again, man or woman. Don’t think that you’re the magic bullet.

    2. 8.2

      With no disrespect ifa women makes a man wait and gives sex such little respect do not get upset if your man gets his needs met someware else. Sex to a man is not a wont or a desire it is a must and if you do not think this is true call and ask your Urologist a man will have a merid of problems starting with the Prosstate. And this is what women do not belive they just think men are horn dogs men are just built different an thank god for that.

      1. 8.2.1

        Actually, that’s kind of the point isn’t it? Because, some men WILL just leave and get sex somewhere else whether a woman puts out or not. So, if a woman waits a few weeks, then she’s hoping the man will stick around and have lots of sex with her for a long time. Women can be very horny too. We don’t all think men are horn dogs, we’d just really like it if the men stick around and give us a repeat performance of how great last night was.

  9. 9

    The quality and availability of pornography might be the one thing that might makes the practice of women uniting and withholding sex until marriage less effective today than it has been in the past.   Many men would prefer to watch porn than actually have sex with a woman, not only because of the obvious lack of downside risks associated with it, but some even find it to be more desirable because 1.) The women are better looking than any woman they know, let alone any woman they could actually have sex with, and 2) They learn to stimulate themselves in a way that can’t be replicated when they’re with a partner.   As a result, the range of things that turn them on becomes narrower and narrower, and anything that a real woman can realistically provide begins to fall outside of that range.   The long and short of it is that I don’t think sex is as strong of a bargaining chip as it used to be.   You’re going to have to bring something else to the table.
    What does this all mean?   Well, I think the advice of waiting until you are in a relationship before you have sex is good advice since it helps women avoid the emotional attachment that comes with sex, which can cause you to become vulnerable since a relationship hasn’t been established and set you up for a more severe heartbreak.   However, I wouldn’t expect men to suddenly be willing to commit to marriage at the same rate that they have in the past as the video appears to suggest.   (Btw, I know that not all women become emotionally attached after sex, and whether the ones that do is a result of culture or biology is up for a debate that I don’t really care to have.)

    1. 9.1

      Agree.   Porn makes it so hard to relate to women as human beings.   In my opinion our relationships would go more smoothly and we would be less suspicious of each other if we understood the other gender better as human beings.  

    2. 9.2

      Agree with everything you said Chance, except that the idea here is not so much to barter for sex as it to simply identify those men who are only after sex. That is the whole point. A man who is only after sex isn’t going to be willing to be a boyfriend, and take on all the things that go along with that, if he is only after sex.

    3. 9.3

      Yep when they make artificial sex bots a lot of men will simply peace out on dating.   Truth is before hormones kick in boys really dont want anything to do with girls and they are pretty damn happy.   Then they hit 13 and their worlds get turned upside down.   I think if men can get those needs met they will and they will probably be fairly happy.

      1. 9.3.1

        No one is interested in the opposite sex before puberty genius. It’s the same for females and even after puberty it takes a while. Unlike men who look for someone or something to touch it from the moment they discover it.  

        1. Rusty:H

          Were it not like this, you wouldn’t be here.   😉

  10. 10

    I dated a man for a year and a half and never had sex with him, but was more emotionally attached to him than any man I ever dated and had sex with…

    1. 10.1

      Thank you for confirming that sex isn’t what necessarily gets women emotionally attached  

    2. 10.2

      I’ve waited too long a few times, wanted to know who I would be sleeping with, wanted to be friends first, build that solid foundation….unfortunately they ended up in the “friend zone” as I lost my lust for them.   It started to feel too awkward and not natural.    lol.   Timing is everything.

      1. 10.2.1

        Jan, maybe the fact is, on even a subconscious level, you learned over that time that all you had for him was lust. Over time, there were things that made you fall out of lust with him. You learned hat he made a better friend than somebody for a serious relationship.

        If what is making you lust after him is solid and not just smoke and mirrors, it will stand the test of time.

        It is very likely that had you entered into a sexual relationship with him, it wouldn’t have lasted.

    3. 10.3

      If that was me i would kill myself.
      A year and half without sex in a relationship.
      You have to admit that’s abit too long isn’t it.   

      1. 10.3.1

        @Michael: Erm but do men mind if women do other sexual things in a long-term rship (> than 6 mths) but not sexual intercourse per se? I seem to have gotten addicted to not having actual sex in rships, but i don’t mind messing around in other ways after several months. Unfortunately these things can become habits that are hard to change…I do know there are some guys who prefer oral sex to normal sex, though.

        1. John

          If I don’t get sex from a girl in a week after the first date, I’m done. Unless she’s a 10, then I leave in two

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Just goes to show why women should wait for sex. To avoid guys like you.

        3. tamara

          @John: Ookay, that’s interesting. I guess the guys I date are much more conservative in terms of sex; they don’t expect it as fast. In fact I think they’d be a little horrified if sex happened so quickly. I don’t live in America and the social norms here are different.
          I actually agree with Rusty’s comment on this, which is v surprising to me, lol.

        4. RustyLH

          “I actually agree with Rusty’s comment on this, which is v surprising to me, lol.”

          A backhanded compliment, but I’ll take it. 😛

          In person, you probably wouldn’t find me nearly as offensive as you do here. 😀

      2. 10.3.2


        That is your prerogative, but a woman who is of a mind to not just give it away to any guy she starts a relationship with…in the first week, she’s not going to suddenly change her mind about that just because John won’t stick with her. Frankly, women should be glad you are like that. You do the hard work for her of separating the men out of her life that aren’t worth keeping. Most men will stick with her much longer than that…months even. In fact, since what they are looking for is a guy that will stick with them through thick and thin, a guy like you is exactly what they don’t want.

      3. 10.3.3


        My wife of 17 years died last August. When she lost her sight in August, 2010, then busted her shoulder, it was the last of our sex life. In that period a lady I’d known and loved 16 years earlier, re-entered my life unexpectedly, and we enjoyed a short time sharing a bed. Her goals in life went far from mine, and we parted.

        My wife, meanwhile, had many, many personal issues, and forced our relationship into estrangement. That ended for a very brief 2 months when she nearly died, then continued the next year and a half. Then she passed.

        What I carried away from all that is that love and sex do not mix. Love that includes sex is no better, and sex that lacks love is merely expedient to the sensations.

        I’d love to resume the sex with the old friend, and add love and trust. That would make my life very, very satisfying.

        Now, I’m here because I am searching for answers to this; “How do I make a lady feel sexual without having intercourse?” There is a ten year younger lady now in my life who I am falling very much in love with, who has made it fairly clear she wants no sex, and she does not accept dates.

        I am helping her move soon, and she asked me to be her handyman afterward. That makes my day, plus she loves my volunteer work, and talks with me to help iron out issues of my heart from the past. I was originally married 25 years.

        So, my aim for her is to be all she needs in every way, including sex – she’s been abstaining since her marriage ended many years ago – and help her revive her desire for intercourse and more sexual experience. She is an intense turn-on for me.

        She says she does not read my eMails, but I only tell her of my volunteer days and times via eMail, and she always shows up, and says she would not miss the chance to see me. We share lots, and do not touch, except a very brief hug or shoulder tap at the parting,

        I really want to know how to make her sexually fulfilled with me, and reassured I will continue to love her for my lifetime, but how?

        I hope the wonderful, open-hearted ladies sharing here will respond to this, as well. You gals have so much going on in your heart and head, and your vagina, us guys can never know, or fully comprehend. For one, I want you ladies to know how much I appreciate you, and would enjoy sharing sex and all else witth you to make and keep you out of needing the crutch of jealousy and feeling abandoned.

        I’ve researched poliamory, and swinging, and these provide all members of a given committed group a wonderful, fulfilling belonging that monogamy never gives. Especially the sin and shame from jealousy.

        But, STDs and sex mates who stray outside safe bounds can quickly end the fun times of these priceless relationships, so it really comes back to committed monogamy, and in this beautiful relationship each working together to find, develope, explore, build, and manage an every widening and exciting sexual and emotional and “Home” sense of enduring devotion,. love, forgiveness, and durability for ANY storm.  

        1. tronic808

          This girl is taking advantage of you. Steer clear.

  11. 11

    I used to think that I was getting bonded to men because of sex, because of my past incarnations of dating.   However, in this incarnation of dating, there have been a few guys that I sooooooo wanted to have sex with very quickly but didn’t because there wasn’t any sort of commitment or exclusivity established and it was way to soon for that.   Well, of course they didn’t call after I put the brakes on sex, and not in a nagging, scolding “you are such a pervert way”.   And guess what ?   I still felt disappointed and rejected even tho we only kissed & cuddled.     So I don’t think I have gotten “bonded” in the past because I had sex, I think I’ve had sex in the past, because I was already starting to feel bonded.     Now I know to wait until HE is starting to feel bonded to me.   I doubt that any of those guys would have stuck around if I caved in to my hormones, and who knows, maybe I would have felt even MORE disappointed and bonded had I done that.   (Not only that, but mad at myself, for sharing my body so soon with someone who didn’t care about me)  
    At least one good thing about dating in my late 50’s, the disappointment that I feel in this regard, is much shorter lived and not nearly as intense as was in my 20’s.

    1. 11.1


      I’d love to share a long and romantic relationship with a lady so into sex, where our sexual containment was a planned and then released experience for each of us together. The idea that sex has to be foregone just to establish bonding is a sad statement on our society’s least desirable relationships. Sex is, and always should be considered as a priceless gift to be cherished and shared with each person who shares this value, and commitment should be there for any number of relationships, but because our twisted social structure tries to embrace pagan jealousy as a virtue, our homes and marriages get tangled and ruined with the disease of jealousy.

      Blocking sex with anyone before real experience of commitment is shown is good in this tangled mess of a society, so for one, I support your decision. Too much damage to you and the one you would share sex with on any but experienced commitment is too high a price.  

  12. 12

    SE:   So I don’t think I have gotten “bonded” in the past because I had sex, I think I’ve had sex in the past, because I was already starting to feel bonded.
    Yes.   I believe that’s true of me as well.   It wasn’t sex that made me feel “bonded” to someone, rather the desire for sex was part of feeling a connection that could lead to bonding.
    Sex or no sex, it’s disappointing when the other person doesn’t feel the same connection you do.

  13. 13

    Aaaaaaand THIS is why so many women hate men… when we like someone we see his worth as extending beyond his genitals and what he lets us do with them early on.    What this video is saying is that men REQUIRE a degree of rejection before they start to really like you, and yet many men have said they don’t even know IF they really like a girl until after they’ve had sex with her, so waiting TOO long is moot. What this says to me is that either men are full of sh*t and   there is something fundamental about themselves they won’t own up to, or getting sex out of the way early on so the clouds of lust can dissipate and give each person a more clear view of who they have in front of them IS an acceptable way to go.  
    The few guys I pulled away from romantically after sex are the guys I was NEVER THAT ATTRACTED TO to begin with, meaning guys who I thought were just cute enough to have sex with, but not attractive enough for to develop feelings for, guys I used to fill some kind of void for affection or validation etc. And the guys I did that with are extremely extremely rare. Everyone else I’ve slept with could have easily had a real relationship with me if they asked.  
    Generally if a girl is sleeping with a guy, before they even got to the sex she has already decided to a degree on his quality and potential as a partner which is why she is always more primed for a relationship after sex.   Women don’t just choose body parts to sleep with, we choose the whole person, so yes looks are primary, but then the estimation of your identity follows closely. We choose for BOTH when we decide to have sex with you which is why the most physically gorgeous guy can get turned down for sex by even an average looking girl if his overall identity is too out of character for what that girl typically goes for and is attracted to.   
    I appreciate Ann Erksine #5 for offering her wisdom and experience not just as an older woman but as a psychological professional. Women conditioning themselves to be disinterested in sex because of the way men can’t handle having sex with someone right away without seeing them as “less than valuable” is   a great way to keep men from getting enough sex even AFTER they’ve committed to marriage. Men don’t get to have it both ways. If our culture starts once again demanding and creating chaste women, you’re going to get chaste women through and through. Don’t expect women to shut down what’s human in them and then turn it back on to your liking after the commitment is made. Once we start teaching women again to associate sex with some hit to their worth, EVERYONE will suffer. Single, OR married.  

    1. 13.1

      Michelle, I think you have a nice theory worked out in your mind except that women simply holding off on sex until a man shows that he is there for more than just some sex is not going to create women who don’t like sex. I know many couples where the women did not jump in the sack right away. Many where they waited many many months before having sex. And they have very passionate relationships You can see the heat between them.

      You have to understand that men will stick with a woman who is giving him sex, just for the sex. He may not see her as his long term solution…but so long as the sex is there, he stays…while he looks for something better.

      That’s not much different than a woman sticking with a stable guy, but she is not sure he is the one she wants…he may be boring, or not very good in bed, etc.. So she enjoys the stability he is providing her…maybe even a roof over her head…but she still has an eye out for something better.

      So in fact, while having sex early may allow you to see the person more clearly…to let the dust settle…for many people, it delays allowing them to see the person more clearly. It delays the dust settling, and in fact creates even more dust.

  14. 14

    In Québec (Canada), women are supposed to be “dominant” in courting and relationship. I wouldn’t know, since I dated mostly European. I find them more gentlemen-like, and I like not wondering if the guy is ever going to pay on our first date, be confident, etc. – Europeans tend to act manlier, well I thought so. Not so much of a truth now that I have more experience in life.  
    So, I decided to date men my own culture. It’s a bit of a drag, since I have no experience at all with Quebequers and am told that the gender roles are reversed : man waiting for you to call, woman pushing for whatever they want (another cliché actually – man wants what man wants). I am (was?) dating a guy this past 2 weeks and we had sex on the second date (ahhhh hormones), was great and everything. What I found out is that he is now basically only interested in getting sex (who could blame him) and that I am not interested in him now that we had sex…
    It’s like two dudes dating!! I found out he is boring in bed, good thing I know now before I invest emotionnally, financially, etc., in this guy, no?

  15. 15

    We woman are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Have sex too soon and you’re considered too easy. Wait too long and the guy will get it somewhere else. While I wouldn’t advise a woman to have sex on the first date, I don’t really think that having sex sooner rather than later makes a man any more or less likely to commit.  
    IMO, a woman should have sex when she’s comfortable with it. If it makes you feel more comfortable or secure to wait, then wait. if you can handle the consequences of having sex in an uncommitted relationship, then do that. But neither stance is going to make a man any more or any less likely to commit. If a man wants to be in a relationship, and really likes a particular woman, it won’t matter to him if a woman has sex with him on date 2 or date 10. If a man doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t so into the woman, waiting won’t make him more relationship-oriented, but it might keep a woman who’s dating him from getting more emotionally invested and more hurt.  
    Since so many women have benefited from having contraceptive options, I find the idea that contemporary sex “clearly favors” men a bit ludicrous. Unless, of course, you deny the fact that women have sex drives, or might want to wait a bit before they marry.  
    And does the video only apply to young people? What about the largest-growing segment of the dating population, singles over 50? They’ve already had kids, or know they don’t want them, and women generally don’t have to worry about birth control much by age 55.

  16. 16
    Evan Marc Katz

    There is a staggering level of straw man thinking displayed here.   I’ll write back to all of you when I have the bandwidth to compose a lengthy reply.   I sincerely feel bad if you think that you don’t have the capacity to delay intercourse because a) you WANT to have sex (even though it’s been proven to be generally a bad idea and makes women overall less happy or b) you’re afraid he’ll leave. I promise: if he really likes you, he’s not going anywhere (yes, even if he’s an alpha male). If he goes away, he didn’t really like you that much.

    1. 16.1


      Thanks, man! And I would like to add my position, at a youthful 69 years; Lady, if I have my eye on you, you better know your playing hard to lay is just fine. If truth be known, should you pop the “S” question first, I’d simply be attracted to you a lot more, and say, “NO, but let’s hold that thought, and play witht both it, and each other for a while. I’ know how terrible it is to wait, but I also know how fun it is knowing you will get my man organ in ways you will crave the rest of your living will certainly cum your way, if I have anything to say!”

      Women, and guys, sex just is. Like emotions, they just are, too. Feelings.

      Get used to sexual feelings like you get used to, and MASTER hatred. It’s just a feeling, and if you act WRONG on sexual feeling, you will get BURNED the same as acting WRONG on hatred.

      But, hatred can motivate GOOD responses!

      Sexual feelings can motivate GOOD responses!

      Instead of “Yes! we can!” try, “Yes, we will – after we prepare, experience planned foreplay, mental and physical sexy games, limited, and specific boundary body play, and each of us or a whole group of us reach a common, level sexual playing field. THEN, let’s let all the impeding sexual energies, resources, and planned wild and wet fun begin!

      Anyone here want that?  

      1. 16.1.1

        I do …

        1. ClaudeA

          Glad to see one male wants responsibl lady friends who respect sex for a relationship enhancer, not a relationship builer!

          But, I’ve had to eat my words here a bit!

          A wonderful lady asked me, on her first friendship response to my sharing who I am with her several times I visited to give her quilting scrap material, to come cuddle for a night. I asked my Lover, who refuses to share sex with me even after 8 months of intense working and verbal sharing and exploring our rapidly growing love for each other, if she would be OK with me sharing a bed with this lady, who I shared all I did with her, and my gal asked me if I’d like more intimate relationship with this lady, and I said “Yes.”

          Anyway, my first lady is fine with my sex with this dear lady friend, and both ladies are actually loving each other, though through me. I keep both up to date on my relationship with the other, and our experience with mutual respect and love for one another is beyond mere words.

          I used to believe one woman for sex was too much for any man, but here these two darling gals have all they want from one man, instead of one man for each lady, that it is impossible for me compare our love to any known experience others have enjoyed like this.

          The quilting lady desires respectful, fun, and fulfilling sex with me, from the start, and our love for each other is growing fast, where now her father’s latest heart attack takes her away from our bed, but our togetherness continues growing. Of course all of our little family is accepting that we will stay together for our lifetimes. Our family focus is on selfless loving, so jealousy is not allowed anywhere in it.  

    2. 16.2

      I started dating again 7 years after my divorce, read Evan’s book and blogs and followed his advice to the letter regarding commitment. Chances are I would have done the same thing anyway, since that is the way I feel, but his advice provided support when chemistry was beginning to shake up my decisions. I did stick to my guns, and took my time to know the men I was dating. Most of them were widowers, and after 6-8 dates would tell me that my smile and my cheerful personality helped them get out of depression, that they got to know me, admire me and respect me. But truly, they are just looking for another notch in the belt and now that they know me and like me so much, they cannot do that to me. They told me to be careful out there, and wish me good luck in finding a good man, ready for a relationship, as I deserve. Now I am seeing a wonderful man who lost his wife 3 years ago. He just started dating again, he tells me how much he appreciates the time we spend together, but that at this time he is not ready for a relationship, but eager for friendship, and taking it slowly to see where it goes. This time I’ve been very good following Evan’s advice not only regarding commitment, but also in not initiating phone calls, giving him his space and allowing him to take the lead, even though I am a very independent, professionally accomplished woman who raised a son and put him through college. I also appreciate Evan’s advice to compare what men say with what their actions are. While my “friend” clearly stated he is not yet ready for a relationship, he is very consistent in texting several times a day, talking about his schedule and of how his day went, we see each other once a week (he is out of town for business 5 days a week) and asked a lot of questions about me, in an effort to get to know me. He invited me over to his place for dinner and we had a great time, with one hug when I left. When I invited him to my place for dinner, he insisted to meet my mother and my son, he was very kind, polite, took a strong interest in my son’s college studies and in his plans for the future. My friend is a very accomplished professional, and gave excellent career advice to my son. He also told my 20 year son that he plans to be friends with me for a long time, and see whether or not this will develop in a relationship. I am European moved to U.S. and my “friend” is first generation American, raised by European family emigrated to U.S. So we feel we have a lot in common regarding family values, respect and dating style.   We’ve been seeing each other for two months, and he mentioned he can hardly wait to introduce me to his friends and business partners. So, I keep on reading Evan’s books and appreciate his advice and moral support. It just happens that his opinions match my lifestyle, and just hope that this “friendship” will lead to more since I like him so much, and feel that chemistry is building up too.

  17. 17

    I look forward to Evan’s response to these comments! I do agree with Evan that it’s best to wait and that’s what I now practice because of reading this blog, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.
    I see where everyone is coming from. I’ve dated and certainly get a lot of attention from men online and in the real world, but I rarely sleep with any of them (not that they don’t try really hard!) for the reason that I want to see if they are serious. Most of them, it turns out, are looking for hookups. Even the nice guys. But where does that leave me?   Without sex for months, even years, on end! I dated one guy last year for several months, I made him wait, and it ended anyway. Prior to that, it was two years since I was involved with anyone.
    And even when you do wait, it’s no guarantee he won’t dump you for any number of reasons weeks later. That, too, is another reason I end up without a sex life; because you might get dumped anyway, even by the nice ones you waited for. Making them wait for sex is no guarantee of anything.
    It makes you think men still have the control in the end.  

    1. 17.1

      Taylor, I think that there are many things that may be hidden from you. Maybe the guy who you dated for several months also had hook-ups on the side. This allowed him to pursue you with less zeal…more patience. If he is very good in bed, this will be even easier for him because he can call up past girlfriends for a booty call. But is that what you want? A man that will call up women he has no interest in other than sex, and have sex with them? This is what was mentioned in the video as to why each woman does not necessarily have the ability to totally control when sex happens. However, that is not completely true either. You could sleep with every guy you have a first date with and be no closer to finding a husband.

      So back to the guy who can call up women for booty calls. So this guy could also do this just because you and him have a fight…or you are pregnant, or sick, or away on business, or any other valid reason that makes you unavailable to him. Don’t you want to know if a man has some self control? While it is not fool proof, making a guy wait does help filter out a lot of the losers and gives you a better idea of who is or is not there just for sex.

      After that, you have to start looking deeper at the guy you are with, once he has stuck around. Is he totally devoted to you? Are you both spending as much time together as possible, or is it more like just dating? If you are only seeing each other a couple of times a week, there is a whole lot of time left for him to devote to another woman, or just going on the prowl.

      I think that you have to move things in stages. If the goal is to be married, you start off with the meeting, then some dates, then the dates should become more frequent, and involve staying home…cooking, dvds, playing games, cuddling, going for walks around the neighborhood, etc…For dates out, these should also increase but become more diverse, like trips to the beach, the zoo, amusement parks, picnic in a park, etc. Plus the occasional WOW type activity…something unique to enjoy. Maybe taking scuba classes together.

      Adding in sending time with family and friends should also come into play. The idea here is to start mimicking being a real married couple, spending every day together. If you are doing that, he doesn’t have time to dally with other women.

      But then, just as the sex is not happening on his time schedule, you have to understand that the marriage may not happen on your time schedule either. That is just life. We don’t control it nearly as much as we would like to.

    2. 17.2
      Amy Conway

      I have heard many things to do with this:

      1- men always want to have sex when they feel very horny but they can’t do it themselves, so they need a sexual partner
      2- if the sex is really bad, they will not want to have sex with that person
      3- guys get lonely and don’t just want sex and don’t always want commitment either, like women they just want to have someone to cuddle coz they feel lonely and want to be loved
      4- they are paranoid of   commiting to a woman as she can be clingy, the wrong type, co dependent, mentally and emotionally unstable. dangerious, they can aquse men of rape and also have full custody of children as well as taking every possession from him or and turning everybody against him coz people will believe a woman quicker than a man coz of how bad women were treated by men in the past and the fact that a majority of men abuse women than women who abuse men. That’s not to say that women don’t get abused coz they do.

      5- being too busy to have sex coz of work or and children
      6- avoiding sex and not explaining why and reducing communication and affection
      7- a woman who is scared of his private parts and believes that it is unlady like and disgusting and sinful to give him oral.  
      8- a woman who wants his attention the whole time

      9- a woman who will use sex as a way of controlling him and as a weapon

      10-   the woman is not willing to exploring her sexuality or to make sex more exciting

      11- the woman is bad at giving oral or hand job

      12 – every time the woman pleasures a guy, she accidently hurts him

      13-   when a man ovehears a woman complaining about guys in general saying that they are all out to get sex and love to manipulate women and or nearly talking about having sex with a man in a very negative way as if having sex with a guy is one of the worse things you can do.

      14- judging a man for lusting after   a woman or feeling really arroused and wanting sex regularly or often

      15- judging a man and lecturing him for observing other women and or assuming that he is not listening to anything you have to say or doesn’t care when he doesn’t make eye contact with her.

      16-   some men say all men are different and that includes their tastes in women

      17- some say that sex early in a relationship is fine, while others say that they should make the man wait or that they could wait.

      18- if all they feel for you is lust, then they will leave is they find no point in being with you

      19- if they feel more than lust for you than they will a, wait, b, stay for a certain or small amount of time if they are they type who have sex often and are very horny

      20- the fact is that if a guy likes the person of the girl and enjoys her company, and she makes a great difference in his life, than sex alone with her will not be enough, he will want more than that, even if he doesn’t want commitment.

      21- not all men leave when you have sex with them early in a relationship or date but that is only because they feel that you are an important person to have in their life or and think that yo are an amazing person

      22- A huge important fact is that if a guy feels that ye have nothing in common, he never has fun around you, feels that he can’t confide in you with his feelings etc and feels that you are completely different, then he will not want to spend time with you, regardless having sex or not having sex.

      23 – women another huge issue is that a guy is scared to be rejected and he knows and feels that the woman he desires, desires other men and that many women are not as attracted of soft or passive guys as they are to alpha males, including goregous fit ones.

      Based on present and past experiences.

      Thanks for listening.  

      1. 17.2.1

        1- Women underestimate how much men love contact with them.   Some affection throughout the day can lead a man to want to make love to his wife at that moment, or later.   Women often resent that affection has to lead to sex and may withhold the sex.   Then men become less affectionate because they don’t want to get themselves horny with no ability to control if they will get satisfaction later.   While in the Navy, I knew many men who would avoid porn for just this very reason.   Why get all amped up when their wife is thousands of miles away?   So the clue to ladies is that if their husbands became less affectionate, it might because she became less sexual.   Food for thought.
        2- Sex itself is rarely that bad…sex is like pizza…it’s hard to mess up to the point that you don’t want it.   However, it is more likely that the woman acts uninterested during sex which is painful to a man’s self-esteem.   I think some women know this and do it on purpose.   Likely she had some really awesome lovers in her past and her husband does not impress her in bed, so she is punishing him for not being as good as her past lovers.
        3- I agree.   I don’t mind a short term relationship with a lady, but I also don’t want to have to lie to her, so I won’t.   I do have to really like her.   Who wants to cuddle with someone that you don’t feel a lot of affection for?   In short, to me it is basically being in love with somebody with whom, for one reason or other, a LTR isn’t really feasible, or desirable.   A good example would be this absolutely beautiful young woman who lives on my floor.   I am fairly certain a LTR is out of the question because of our age difference, but a short term relationship with her would be incredible…while we continue our searches for our perfect matches.   She seems really sweet…and I mean really sweet.   Her personality seems to be awesome, and she seems very honest, so I would not want to hurt her.   But I feel pretty certain that I would have deep feelings for her if we entered into a relationship and would always feel special feelings for her forever, even after we parted.
        4- Yes, and I for one know for a fact that the paranoia is justified.   However, clingy is a subjective term.   What is clingy to one guy may not be to another.   I for one love…LOVE women who love to touch all the time.   One of the most important if not thee most important quality a woman must have is that she be very very very physically affectionate.   You might be surprised how many are not.   When viewing online profiles, this is one of the most important things I look for.   I can usually tell if she is just adding it there or if she genuinely wants a very physically affectionate man, or not, and whether she herself is very physically affectionate.   I’ve had friends that had a girlfriend whom I though was perfect.   Then she is no more.   I ask what happened, and often they would say stuff like, “Man she was too clingy…always hanging on me like a wet noodle.”   I would say, “And?”   This question was never met with approval.   They were passionate about this, and would try to justify to me why it was Ok to kick her to the curb.   Hey, I admit, their reasons were justified….for them.   But that’s because they aren’t like me.   For me, those women were perfect.   My attitude is that if I am close enough to touch, please do.
        5- Yes!   As a man, we can work all day, be totally exhausted, and yet still love our wives enough to want to make love that night.   We are straight sick and tired of women ALWAYS being a crock pot that takes hours to get in the mood.   Frankly, it’s insulting to us because we remember times when either you or past women were much easier to get in the mood.   In short it proves to us that we are no longer your priority.   Your kids are, your job is, your to-do list is, etc… and it’s damn insulting.   How about focusing on us for a change?
        6- Yes, see above.   But a woman who makes a habit of doing this should not be surprised when her husband either has affairs/one night stands, or leaves her.   In short, she created the situation.   It IS her fault, even if she feels she had a good reason.   To cut off sex without communicating why is the problem.   If it is so bad you feel justified, then get a divorce.   If divorce is not justified, then neither is withholding sex, especially without communicating why.
        7- It is amazing how many women really are not good at oral, or refuse to let a man cum in her mouth, but insist that a man be good at oral, and seem to be fooled by the men that tell them that they taste sweet.     No…not sweet…the chemistry is all wrong for it to be sweet.   But many men don’t care because they want it to be good for her.   And when your focus is on pleasing her, it becomes enjoyable to do.   I think men are just less squeamish so it is the same here.
        8- I don’t mind this as much as most men do.   This is also why I would prefer no kids at home.   That way we have more time to devote to each other.
        9- Yes, that is evil.   Hey, how about the man withhold the money and only dole it out to you when you actually do something to please us?   A woman who does this is simply training her husband to be OK with using hookers, because that is all she is.   Sex for services/money.   She should not be surprised when he is either having affairs or using hookers.
        10- Each man is different here.   Some might be angry when you won’t invite your sexy bisexual friend to bed.   I’m not that demanding, and in fact would prefer it be kept to just us two.
        11- Read #7.   But hey, what is the deal with some women actually not wanting to put their hand on it?   I mean really?   You have issues if this is the case.
        12 — Never had this problem.
        13- It can be a turn off to hear this, and will in fact not be helpful to the relationship.   It makes him question her honesty when she appears to be enjoying sex with him.   It is NOT going to make him up his game.   In all likelihood, the best case scenario is that he doesn’t think about it too much, and the worst case is that it seriously affects his ability to be intimate with her.   I wonder if women realize just how little men sit around and bad mouth them?   Women do it a lot with men, so I think they assume men do it also.   We don’t.   When women get in a group the subject of men will come up in some way most often.   When men get in a group, they talk about sports, their jobs, their cars, news, etc…
        14- Yes, and I am not sure why this is a problem?   Men will stop lusting after women when they are dead and not a moment sooner.   It would be more constructive if women just accepted this and dealt with it.
        15- See #14, but also the part about not being interested…keep in mind that we ARE different.   Stop insisting that we sit around and gossip with you.   You would be amazed at how much we do not want to talk about your extended family and friends.   When appropriate we will talk about the immediate circle, but we still do not want to do this as much as you do, and we almost never want to talk about those outside of that circle.   You cousin 2 states over?   Sorry, but we don’t want to talk for  ½ about that.   Say, how about we discuss baseball stats for the local pro team?   No?   Not interested?   OK, now you know how we feel.
        16- True to an extent.   Tastes generally overlap.   For instance, most men will agree that J-Lo and her booty are hot, but then some men will prefer at most just a tiny bit bigger and smaller.   Other men will prefer the opposite.   Racial preferences will also come into play.   Some men prefer short hair while most men prefer longer hair.
        17- Agree.   I myself believe that a woman can even use this to judge a man’s long term interest.   If he is adamantly against waiting, he’s likely not interested in investing much in you.   He’s mad because he isn’t going to get what he wants without making that investment.   What he wants is NSA sex and so of course he would be mad when he is made to wait.   A man interested in long term will not be against waiting, even if it is not his first choice.   He will still be able to see the bigger picture, and besides, if something means enough to you, it will be worth the wait.   What is a man saying to you if he doesn’t think sex with you is worth waiting for?
        18- True sometimes.   The idea is to give him more to like about you.   Do you act like you are doing him a favor for sleeping with him?   Act like he now owes you?   Are you sweet or rough?   Do you do nice things for him or act like he should just be grateful that you let him hang out?   Do you prioritize him?   If he is over and you are cuddling, do you turn off the phone, or check every single text/phone call while you are spending time together?
        19- Not sure what you are trying to say.   The sentence was not properly worded.   The only part I got was about him having more for you than lust and so he would stick around more.   Yes, obviously if he feel more than lust he will stick around.
        20- Yes.   See #3 above.   Because of the tremendous risk involved in marriage, men are often preferring to have a full blown relationship with no commitment on paper.   Of course, a woman must be very careful with this…especially with a younger man, because he may also be wanting to keep it this way because he knows he will bail at some point…likely for another woman.   If you are doing this with younger men, be prepared to have a series of short term relationships, likely lasting at most 3 to 7 years.
        21- Yes, but the point is, how do you tell the difference between those who are just there for the sex and who actually love you?   Easy…you don’t give the sex out too soon.   Those just after the sex are far less likely to make the commitment required.   This is where women can be confused.   If the man is given plenty of free time, he is likely to be able to hook up with other women, which makes it easier for him to wait you out.   If he is having to spend A LOT of time with you, and maybe even move in and sleep with you without “sleeping with you,” it will be much harder for him to do to wait you out.   There is no guarantee that it will work out for you, but this practice will tend to offer better results than sleeping with men very quickly and hoping each time that the guy will actually want more.   Plus, if you give it away so freely, how is it a special gift for the man you love?
        22- Yes, every man has been there.   Had a woman for whom the whole relationship was about her.   Your needs and wants were secondary…always.   Most men won’t stick around for long when this is the case.   If a man is making it all about you…return the favor.   I think most men would be very flattered if their girlfriend called once in a while and said, “Hey, get cleaned up and put something nice on.   I’ll be there in an hour.   Don’t worry about where we are going…just be ready.”     Then treat him to a day of doing things you know he will like doing.   What does he like to do?   Ask him sometime.   Also, find out what other men you know like to do and compare the lists.   Look for things on those other lists that look like something you think he will like to do.
        Also, women love to shop for clothes, so once in a while make it about him.   Take him out and have him try on clothes.   Have fun with the fashion show.   One GF I was with would complement really well when she thought something looked good on me.   One pair of Levis, she insisted in her own words, “those make your butt look sooooooo good!”   It made me realize just how stingy so many women are with compliments.   I know, I know…you are afraid he will get a big head.   Maybe it is time to rethink that, because if you give him a big head, and other women do not…who do you think he will want to be with?   THIS IS THE CORE ESSENCE OF BEING FEMININE WHEN WE TALK ABOUT HOW FEMININE FOREIGN WOMEN ARE COMPARED TO WESTERN WOMEN.   What they are doing that western women aren’t is going out of their way to make him feel good about himself as a man.   This may sound insulting but put that aside and think about it.   Evan has tried to explain that men want a woman who looks good to him and a woman who makes him feel good about himself.   Well here is the insulting part…many foreign women are more intelligent where men are concerned.   They UNDERSTAND this simple concept and understand that if they do this for a man, he will love her, but if she does not, he will find somebody who will do it for him.   They simply accept this as the way it is.   Think of it as men here understanding that it isn’t really fair to always have to pay, but they simply accept it as the way things are, and move forward.   They do not allow it to fester and become more than it is.   They do not allow it to become a thing that unnecessarily ruins everything else.
        23 — Pretty much.   I tried dating a woman who it seemed could not get over the fact that she had had her fun in her early twenties, actually being carted around by rich men and pro athletes, but now it was over.   But she was not what they wanted long term.   She was hot, sexy and very buxom.   But she was not what they wanted long term and now her fun was over.   She kept talking about these guys and the dates they had taken her on.   Imagine a guy who had dated a Playboy playmate, a model, a leading actress, fitness model/trainer, etc…   Would you want to hear about it?   Likely not.

        1. Rachel

          No one reads a post that long lol

        2. Elena

          Great comments, RustyLH! Often women feel they don’t understand what men think and feel, why they stay, fall in love or just leave. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts and “translate” that for women who are actually interested in truly understanding men, and help improve communication and ultimately, relationships. Thank you!

  18. 18

    Meh, I’ve never been a fan of the materialist POV regarding relations; this video I find particularly not good in other ways too (bashing pesticides and the misuse of “irony” at about 7:45). Also, look close enough and you’ll find this is a thinly veiled conservative joint (so surprised to find this on the blog ;).
    As to the general premise of the video and this blog; why the “market power” of women has dropped and how it is women came to train mean to treat them poorly; it’s all the things They said would actually greatly enhance the “market power” of women – The Pill, condoms, abortion, single mom welfare, women-centric employment laws, and most notably, women-centric punitive divorce court culture. Sadly, these things have done exactly the opposite – men have more “market power” than ever (both in marriage and casual sex, despite the video claiming otherwise regarding the latter).
    Now that my ranting is done 😉 the general premise of this blog entry is of course good advice.

    1. 18.1


      Interesting POV, as you say.

      Yes, the banksters running the world use opposing advertising to make it seem what they offer will result in the exact opposite of what they actually desire.

      Human mass depopulation is banksters prime directive, and promoting homosex, condoms, STD prevention that   actually spreads STDs wildly, and a thousand other opposite the ad effects which depopulate tiny Earth are decimating the already sick human being race.

      Women have had far more power and control under ancient Judao religious order, and that control frightened, banksters into making it appear they support women’s liberation, while actually they promote women’s degradation and loss of all sanctity, which is a rampant theme in every newspaper owned and run by banksters, which is actually EVERY newspaper.  

      banksters are anything except conservative. They raped the u.S. economy by slipping a worthless rogue into their White-wash House, and jamming society-destroying legal manglings down Congress’ throats, and then now proceeding to degrade and dismantle a once great nation, for their greed.

      Sex is a case in point. banksters run porn. They produce the most degrading porn and call it “sex.” But not even animals practice such depravity. Only man has the capacity to stoop so low.

      Sex is great for many combinations of people, and marriage, promoted by banksters, is far, far from good sex. bankster ‘marriage’ promotes jealousy, financial ruin for the home, and trashed children. Ruined family members are easy prey for banksters to lure into greedy loans, and proceed to “own” the hurting former independent couple, and their damaged kids.

      I’m just started!

      Better quit . . .  

  19. 19

    I agree with Evan, I think if the guy likes you enough (AND he’s looking to settle down) then he will wait. I am 32 and waiting until marriage and have absolute faith that the right guy will not mind waiting (much) because he’ll know, if he wants to marry me, that we’ll have the rest of our lives to have sex. I have a high sex drive too, so I’m not saying it won’t be difficult for me to wait. I just think it’s better to wait for moral as well as emotional reasons. I’d be shattered if a guy left after having his way with me. I always knew that about myself and so I chose to wait. The right guy who comes along at the right time will appreciate  me more  for waiting, even if he grumbles a bit about it.

    1. 19.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I am NOT saying wait until marriage. No one should have to wait two years to have sex. I’m only saying wait until you both have determined whether you have relationship potential instead of fucking first and asking questions later. I’m amazed at how complicated this concept is.

      1. 19.1.1

        I never said that you said that, Evan. I said that because that is what I believe in. And what would be so bad about waiting until marriage? Statistically, couples who wait until after they tie the knot tend to have much shorter courtships (as in less than  2 years – where did you get that number anyway?), they develop better communication skills both in and out of the bedroom, and have a much stronger commitment to each other because they waited. Sure, they might have to try to do things to avoid temptation, things that other couples don’t have to worry about. But  in the end, that tends only to increase their passion once they’re actually married. And it’s so much more special that way. I want to be able to look my husband in the eye on my wedding day and tell him, “I saved myself for you, because I loved you long before I met you.” Even if he’s not a virgin, I don’t think he’ll be at all unappreciative of a gift like that.

      2. 19.1.2

        I did wait for two years,well it was long distance relationship but it does not mean the wait was any easier, & guess what Evan 😛 even then we choose not to have intercourse ,cz I knew he gonna go away soon & leave me sad & blue out there,…Crazy Isn’t it,…
        What I mean is that you really can wait as a woman but only if u want to,…

        1. Rachel

          Pretty sure the wait was easier. You weren’t even in the same city let alone alone face to face together lol much easier

  20. 20

    I’m skeptical from experience that says otherwise.
    I can respect the 3rd date rule. If a guy can put some time, effort, and money into planning three nonsexual excuses to hang out, then he may have good intentions. If he can’t keep it zipped for three dates, he is probably using you.
    Guys however have to watch out for the 5th date rule. If it takes a girl longer than 5 dates to figure out if she wants sex, she is probably a waste of time. She may have issues, low sex drive, or she just likes the attention of being chased. Beautiful women have lured me into breaking this rule, and I have been burned every time.
    Just because a guy has sex with you doesn’t mean he’s interested. Duh.
    Just because a girl lets you buy dinner doesn’t mean she’s interested.  
    If a woman has consistent, and clearly defined values, that’s different. If a woman is up front about the fact that she doesn’t have sex outside of marriage, then I respect her for not wasting either of our time. Best of luck to her. I hope she meets a nice guy at church.
    If a woman has any kind of consistent, objective, clearly defined boundary, I’d at least know what to expect. Tell me on the first date that you have a 50th date rule, and I can decide if it’s worth breaking my 5th date rule.  
    What I watch out for is inconsistency, mixed messages, and moving goal posts. As a man, it is preposterous for me to imagine not knowing if you want to have sex with someone. I wouldn’t go on a second date unless I wanted sex. If you can’t figure that out, you have issues.  
    Guys know it is wrong to use a woman for sex. Everyone hates a guy who does that.
    Women can be willfully in denial of the ways they use men. They like the attention. Ever notice that guys don’t put women in the friend box. We either want sex, a relationship, or nothing. We don’t string insecure women along because it is fun to have a girlfriend without benefits. I have female friends, but I don’t pseudo-date them. I’m clear about my intentions. Women think their friendship is a worthy consolation prize after 20 expensive dates. Dating is an expenditure of a man’s limited resources. Men need to ration their assets just like women.
    This is why EMK’s advice seems unrealistic for anyone not wearing a promise ring. Dates without sex makes a guy feel used, just like sex without dates makes a girl feel used.
    If a woman wants to follow this advice, she should;
    #1 be honest and up front about it.  
    #2 She should claim it as her personal boundary, not a challenge that “all men are jerks, so you have to prove yourself”,
    #3 She should make it clear that this boundary is consistent for all men. Don’t imply that you used to have wild sex, but now you want to become a frigid housewife. That scares us.  
    #4 she should initiate and pay for half the dates, and make sure he has fun doing awesome stuff that guys like.  
    #5 she should lower her standards and find a shy, introverted guy who has no internet connection, otherwise, 6 weeks is long enough to date and have sex with 4 other women. Guys are good at math.   

    1. 20.1

      5 dates is nothing. You could have 5 dates in two weeks and that is just not enough time. Women know they want sex, so it isn’t a question of us not knowing. I want sex, but after marriage. Am I going to tell a guy that on the first three dates? No, because if I did then I’d either look like a frigid bitch or a scared little girl. If he can’t be bothered to spend time getting to know me before any talk of sex comes up, he’s not worth my time. And just because a woman goes out with you and doesn’t rip your clothes off within 5 dates doesn’t mean she has a low sex drive or that she’s just using you for free dinners. Maybe she’s been burned too, and doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. Or maybe she really wants a relationship that’s based on something other than just orgasms. I agree completely with you that a woman needs to have boundaries for the right reasons. I’m waiting until marriage because I believe that it’s the right thing to do morally. Not only that, but it will mean more – my wedding night will not be just like “any other time”. I want my future husband to know that I sacrificed immediate gratification so that I could give myself to him completely. My body is a gift for one man alone, and since there is only one guy this gift is meant for, it doesn’t really bother me if a guy disappears after a few dates with no nookie.
      If you really like a girl, and you feel yourself falling for her and think she might be The One, I think you’ll be surprised at how long you can wait. What’s a few months compared to the rest of your life?
      Obviously, you aren’t in that mindset right now if you’re thinking about having sex with four women around the same time.

      1. 20.1.1

        Mmmmm….sorry Jenn, if you want to wait till marriage to have sex you gotta be honest from the getgo cause only men with the same values will wait that long.   Maybe you should write it down on your profile too, why waste time with most guys who won’t take on your offer?   It doesn’t make sense to me.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          Fungirl @ 20.1.1 – Do you think a man who NEVER intends to marry should be honest from the getgo ?   Should he put it in his profile ?   Should he tell a girl, I want to have sex with as many women as I can, but I NEVER want to marry or have children ?

        2. Jenn

          I don’t talk about my sex life (or lack thereof) with strangers I met on the street so why would I put that in my profile? That’s no one’s business, unless it’s a guy I’ve been seeing for a little while and it looks like things are getting serious. Do you walk up to random people on the street, say hi and tell them how many guys you’ve had sex with? I don’t consider it “wasting time” to have a few dates with a guy and then have things not work out, for whatever reason. As far as guys not taking me up on my offer, I’m fine with that because  they’re not the one for me. It has yet to even be an issue, to be honest. I tend to only go on dates with men who seem to have a genuine interest in finding a lasting relationship.    So in my experience, the sex thing doesn’t even come up within the first few dates. When a guy brings it up, I will tell him then, but I’ve learned that every guy has their own “sex timetable”. If I bring it up before the drinks have made it to the table on the first date, and the guy wasn’t even  expecting to get busy until the three month mark, that’s probably a bit off-putting to him. If I come off like I’m already thinking about the wedding before the appetizers have been served, what kind of impression do you think that leaves on a guy?

        3. Joe

          @ SE: He should do exactly that, except he can use more oblique language, like, “I’m just here looking to have fun.”   That’s a pretty clear indication of his interest.   Just like she should say something like, “I’m looking to get married, not jump into bed.”

    2. 20.2
      Dina Strange

      Read first 4 sentences and thought to myself: “What a pile of nonsense.”

    3. 20.3

      I’ll have sex without shame or guilt when I’m married. Because I value myself and I know how to respect myself and have self control rather than sleep around with people who just want some booty meat. Sex is meant for love not for going around and sharing with randoms. That’ll just hurt yuh in the long run. Like at least be in a committed relationship. It’s your body and you can do what you want but the men you b*ng don’t value or respect you. They only want one thing. If you weren’t to give them that one thing they’d probably say goodbye. So why let someone get that close to you when they don’t love you for who you are, but only for what you have? That’s just letting people use you.

      1. 20.3.1

        Rachel, you and Jenn are right that waiting until marriage is ideal. As a Christian woman I had that ideal too, but could not find an honorable man to marry. Just players and liars, nobody who truly loved me. Finally at the age of 48 I got tired of waiting and had sex for the first time. It was fun and I had a FWB off and on for a few years until I got tired of being used. Would this have been different if I had been having sex with every man I met in my 20’s? I doubt it.

    4. 20.4

      Actually, I’ve known men who put women in the friend box. It’s just more common with women.

      1. 20.4.1


        I did a count and I’ve actually turned down more women than women have turned me down.

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