Dec27

If I Have Herpes, How Can I Tell The New Guy I’m Dating?

10:45 am on Dec 27th 2007 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

96 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

96 Responses to “If I Have Herpes, How Can I Tell The New Guy I’m Dating?”

1. Markus Dec 27th 2007 at 10:58 am 1

   I’m saying this is a first-date convo but, let me understand this..it’s not contagious on medication?

2. Ron Dec 27th 2007 at 02:08 pm 2

   I would guess there is legal liability involved if you know you have herpes and you do not tell a sex partner beforehand.

   Let’s put it this way: If I had sex with a woman, got herpes, and later found out she knew she was exposing me to the virus without telling me in advance, I’d sue the the living daylights out of her. I would try to take every asset she had.

   And this is coming from a guy who is not at all materialistic or greedy.

   It doesn’t at all sound like you are irresponsibile like that. But, for anyone out there who is, get ready to deal with a lawsuit if you get ahold (no pun intended) of a partner who doesn’t play nice after getting infected.

3. Ron Dec 27th 2007 at 02:10 pm 3

   And by the way, I wouldn’t call herpes “not the big of a deal.” It is a lifelong disease for which there is no cure.

   I’d call that a big deal. The common cold is not a big deal.

4. Selena Dec 28th 2007 at 07:51 am 4

   Given that 1/6 th. of the population has herpes, I wonder if anyone has actually sued a partner and won. How about the other 70+ STD’s? Since so many of them can remain dormant indefinetly, if someone has had more than one partner in their lifetime, how would you even know who to sue?

   Can herpes, chlamydia, HPV be detected by a blood test like HIV, hepatitis, and syphyllis? It’s a bit scary to think no matter healthy you may think you, or a partner are, there may be something lurking, ready to pop out.

   Also, the commercials say medication doesn’t prevent passing herpes to a partner. Condoms don’t claim 100% effectivness against the spread either.

   Big deal I suppose is defined by one’s own perception. The common cold can kill people with a weak immune system. That could be considered a big deal to those affected. While having a herpes sore could be considered more of an annoyance.

5. Jane Dec 28th 2007 at 08:19 am 5

   I’ve had herpes for many years and have had to have the conversation. Not one time was it a deal breaker and each time I was thanked for letting him know in advance.

   Having herpes is personal information and you are not required to tell anyone until you know that you want to take that next step into the wonderland. If you know that soon, then tell soon. Absolutely.

   I have never given it to anyone. I have always been careful and respectful of my partners. I was very unhappy to get it but I have a lot to offer and what I have to offer by far supersedes herpes.

   I have told my partners with a face to face convo, letter or email titled disclosure. The usual response is–not an issue–if he knows something about it or he may ask questions to know what he can expect.

   It is unfortunate thing to have, no doubt, but, as time goes on it lessens. I have an outbreak every 2 years or more. So, look at it this way: you have coldsores in an unfortunate place that puts you out of sexual contact for a week or so once a year, or two years, more. geez. And, if you care to, there are certainly other adventures you can provide that your partner can enjoy during that week.

   Be strong, be sure. The guys who would not see beyond this and care for you anyway, in fact, appreciate what it says about who you are as a responsible woman, aren’t the guys you want anyway. Who wants to be with someone who can’t be rational about his fears?

6. Leah Dec 28th 2007 at 10:32 am 6

   Well, I’ll tell you about one experience I had. I went out with this guy, things started to get hot & heavy, and he says “before we do this, I have to tell you something.” Let me say, I was GRATEFUL that he had said something, but it also was NOT the right moment! At that moment, it was a deal-breaker for me because I was not able to find out anything about it before I took that step with him.

   When I did do some research, I found out that it *can* be transmitted, even while properly medicated. The chances are slim, but still there. I decided I didn’t want to risk it, with him. The perfect guy out there for me may have herpes, and I may see things differently. But for now, and with that one particular guy, I’m not willing to risk it. That’s just my opinion.

7. zann Dec 28th 2007 at 01:34 pm 7

   I think the most critical phrase mentioned in this post is that of “staggering ignorace.” I am relatively symptom-free “carrier” of herpes and was unknowingly infected by my ex-husband, to whom I was married and faithful for 20 years. He was also unknowingly infected, because he was symptom-free when he met me. This was in the early 1970’s when not as much was known about herpes. If you didn’t have symptoms, you were told by vd clinics that you were not infected and therefore could not infect others.

   But I’m always amazed by what many people think herpes is, with some even thinking it’s a life-threatening, “flesh-eating” disease. Even more amazing is the hypocrisy — singles will have non-safe sex, trusting a new partner’s word on being HIV negative, and yet launch into a victimization freak-fest if they later find out their new partner may have herpes. This ignorance of facts makes the most rational people become very judgmental about the ethics, morals, and even hygene of those with herpes. It’s ridiculous, it’s demeaning, and I’m tired of it.

   I do disclose early on if I think the relationship has any potential in moving into sexual intimacy. I’m ready with accurate information but also advise that the man not take my word for it and that he gather independent information, on-line or through a doctor, if he feels at all ambivalent; however, be aware that there is contradicting and mis-information out there.

   I would like some clarity, though, on this issue of whether I can infect someone else if I am symptom-free and on medication. According to my own physician, if I plan to be sexually intimate, I should start medication; otherwise, I would take medication only if I am symptomatic. I have read differing opinions on this.

   And to Ron — who posted earlier — and anyone else who follows his line of indignant, self-righteous thinking: Get over yourself. Good luck trying to sue anyone for possibly spreading herpes symplex to you. And before you do, get yourself tested just in case (horror of horrors!) you, yourself are infected and unwittingly spreading it to others. The majority of people with herpes have no idea where they got it, and you can be pretty sure they didn’t choose to be infected.

   Fortunately, I have only had one negative reaction from a man I’ve disclosed to, but it was so extremely negative and shaming that it stopped me from dating for quite a while because I feared a similar reaction from the next guy I might get close to. But I’m heartened by what I read here, and I believe that if a man refuses to seek a relationship with me based on my disclosure of herpes, it’s certainly his right, but it’s also his loss, because judging anyone based solely on factors out of their control (like color of hair, height, ethnic background, etc.) is going to eliminate someone who may potentially be a very good partner for you. But if you do decide against an intimate relationship with someone you’ve met, based upon their having herpes, at least do as a result of having all the correct information and without condemning or being judgmental.

   Thanks to all who’ve shared their experiences.

8. Selena Dec 28th 2007 at 01:54 pm 8

   Leah,
   You make a very good case for getting to know someone at least fairly well before being intimate with them. Conditions of any kind, sexual or otherwise, are more easily accepted with someone you’ve come to care for, rather than just barely know.

9. sallynyc Dec 28th 2007 at 02:33 pm 9

   I would have to agree with the guys ….herpes IS a big deal. This is information I would want to know by the third or fouth date…b/c if you’ve made it that far you probably have good chemistry and want to take it to the next level. Even if you can’t catch it when on medictaion you have to disclose it!

10. Ron Dec 28th 2007 at 03:30 pm 10

    zann-

    there was nothing in my post that made a moralistic judgment about those who have herpes. Obviously, you are projecting onto others by calling me self-righteous.

    Perhaps you have some issues you are dealing with. If you want a self-righteous post, I’ll be happy to give you one. But that comment by me earlier was not self-righteous.

11. T Dec 28th 2007 at 03:40 pm 11

    What are the risks to a man who is performing oral sex on a woman? If the woman does not have a visible outbreak in the vagina, is it OK?

12. downtowngal Dec 28th 2007 at 06:04 pm 12

    “He will not catch it since you take drugs ….” Evan can you confirm whether someone with herpes on medication CANNOT infect a partner? There seems to be some confusion over this, esp given that this is a public site.

    Also, does anyone know the ratio or men to women who contract herpes? I heard that women have more frequent outbreaks and/or have a greater chance of being infected than men because of our physiology but men are more frequently carriers. I know this is true with genital warts… not that this will change anything but I’m just curious.

13. Bennie Dec 28th 2007 at 06:31 pm 13

    For the great majority of people, Herpes is as big or as little a deal as you want to make it. Technically its a skin condition that often, but not always, is spread sexually. I found out that I was infected w/ type 1 & 2 herpes many years ago, no idea for how long because although I had taken batteries of STD tests several times over the years, these had not previously included the herpes test.
    Never had an outbreak, so for me its not a problem. Never had a lover reject me because of it either. And to my knowledge I’ve never infected anyone else either.
    To T and anyone else that wants to know what the risks are, what is the % chance you can catch it from a particular sex act, the truth is no one can tell you. I’ve gotten greatly different answers from different doctors (some have even told me that since I don’t have symptoms I don’t really have herpes, I’ve just been exposed to it, whatever that means), so even the experts aren’t clear on it. Any skin to skin contact with friction can potentially spread herpes; do a Google search for “Herpes Gladiatorum” if you are curious.
    For most people sex is important enough to take some risks; if you really care about the person you’d be a fool to let an annoying skin condition come between you.

14. S Dec 29th 2007 at 12:47 pm 14

    Jen,
    Great question. You are not alone. I also have genital HSVII. Since testing positive I have told 3 men. All 3 were fine with it. Despite my anxiety, the conversations took a few minutes. I found some advice on telling at the website http://www.racoon.com/herpes/. Evan got it right. It’s about your attitude while telling and about having accurate facts.

    Since others have asked, below is some basic herpes info. There is a lot of misinformation out there and many doctors are not up to date. (Bernie you have herpes—there is no such thing as being a “carrier”)

    There are 2 different viruses. HSV1 and HSV2. As Evan wrote 50-80% of the population has HSV1. HSV1 most commonly presents itself orally as a cold sore. It is possible to have HSV1 genitally.

    1 in 5 people have HSV2. 80% of those infected do NOT know!! When you ask your doctor for STD screening, you will NOT be checked for Herpes. This is because it’s so common the medical community has decided to not routinely screen. (if you want to be tested ask for a type specific herpes test- this tests for type 1 and 2)

    Transmission Summary:
    Female to male Transmission
    No condoms, No antiviral 4% chance of transmission.
    Condoms, no antiviral 2% chance of transmission
    Condoms + antiviral

15. S Dec 29th 2007 at 12:56 pm 15

    continued…

    Condoms + antiviral

16. Angel Dec 29th 2007 at 02:43 pm 16

    Jen…

    You ask a great question, one that I have dealt with myself. I am a 43-year-old woman that has had herpes for over 15 years. I *always* told my partners about my “gift that keeps on giving”. Evan is right… the bigger deal you make of it, the more likely you will freak out the person you are talking to.

    Most of my partners were very grateful to hear what they would be exposed to, and there were no adverse side effects. Only one man was hesitant – to the point of breaking it off with me – but he still thanked me for letting him know before we got physical.

    It all comes down to this… we both have a disease for which there is no cure. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it could be so much worse – and you are deifinitely not alone. Above all else, please know that it is your absolute responsibility to let potential partners know about your condition, and let them make that final choice without judgement.

    Peace!

17. Kat Wilder Dec 30th 2007 at 11:47 pm 17

    When it comes to any kind of STD, you have to let a potential partner know. Period. He/she needs to have the right to decide what’s OK and what’s not for him/her (and any sexually active person should already know all about STDs and HIV so there are no “how do I handle this?” moments — that’s just being smart and safe.)

    If it’s a deal-breaker, so be it.

    But this speaks to the bigger issue of getting to know someone before getting intimate. Sharing something as complicated as “I have herpes” involves a level of trust and honesty, and that takes time.

18. CB Jan 6th 2008 at 08:11 am 18

    Thank you to Jen, Evan, & all of the fellow herpes carriers who were brave enough to share their experiences and advice. I found out that I had herpes over a year & a half ago. I told my ex-boyfriend, who did not react well, but was also tested & did not have it. I have finally met someone who I like & need to tell, but it is not easy. After reading Jen’s letter & all the responses, I am prepared to tell this guy at our next date and not make such a big deal out of it. Thanks again & happy new year to all of you!

19. CN Jan 8th 2008 at 02:09 pm 19

    I have had herpes for over 20 years. My ex-husband transmitted it to me early in our marriage. He was unaware he had it. As noted above, the most reliable information does not come from the medical community who I have found to not be up to date.

    For those of you who were confused about the “antiviral”, there is an antiviral gel that has been developed for use with a condom and can protect areas not covered by a condom for both men and women. Please see the following website:
    http://www.oceanusbrands.com/home.htm

    This can also protect against other STD’s not just herpes. Also, herpes can be transmitted even when on appropriate medication.

20. lilmiss Jan 29th 2008 at 07:16 am 20

    Telling is what you make it. I’ve had this over 25 years and always had a positive results.

    Herpes is NOT part of the standard STD tests…Many that have it don’t realize they have it. The idea of suing is ridiculous as one would need to PROVE they never had sex with anyone else and show for a fact they did not have it. Herpes can lay dormant for years.

    To me it is NOT a big deal and only a minor irritation. It is INCORRECT to say there is NO chance of spreading it while on anti-virals. There is ALWAYS the risk.

21. J Feb 7th 2008 at 04:51 pm 21

    I have herpes and had sex twice with someone I want to continue to have sex with. I just can’t tell him. This is a purely sexual relationship, he’s much younger than me. I just can’t do it I’m too embarrased and the fear of him rejecting me consumes me. The fear of giving it to him is great also. I’m torn.

22. J Feb 7th 2008 at 09:29 pm 22

    Please Note: The person who posted the last comment – #21 – is not the “J” who has posted voluminous comments under other subjects. There is nothing wrong with what this person has posted using the same “Name” as me – and certainly “J” is not an original name on my part -but given that theirs is a very personal comment that is theirs alone and does not reflect my experience or my health condition (in this case, that would be lack of, for me) I felt the need to clarify. Guess I will need to find myself a different moniker to post under … I do hope the person who posted comment 21 figures it out. Though I don’t believe you can have something like that and not be upfront. Difficult as that would be, if he finds out and he knows you knew and you didn’t tell him, you may well lose him anyway and chances are he will be angry. Then you will be hurt and embarrassed and rightly so on the embarrassed front for not telling him something that clearly affects his health and welfare (for now and his future) too.

23. Formerly J Feb 7th 2008 at 10:22 pm 23

    Hi – also left comment 22 (about not being the poster in #21) – I did want to clarify that I am not dissing people who do have herpes – I think it may well be more people than not it is so hard to detect and is so prevalent now. It is the no disclosure policy of someone that does know they are infected who doesn’t inform someone they are intimate with – preferably ahead of time – that I don’t condone. I give anyone who is upfront about this a great deal of credit- especially anyone who has also notified past partners upon diagnosis. And I think the posts on this topic were very helpful as well as informative. I appreciate the candor of these folks.

24. Devon Feb 26th 2008 at 09:46 am 24

    I have had HPVII since I was 19, the very first time I had sex. After I was diagnosed, I talked to my “first” boyfriend and he denied it. He said I got it from some one else! Yeah what a jerk! He knew he had it and then denied it when he given it to me.

    Since then, I am 37 now, I have only had one man that didn’t want to be bothered. You may ask yourself when do you tell someone…well the answer is when you feel ready to. ALWAYS BEFORE SEX!!!!

    At first, I would tell a potential lover that I had it on the first date. All of them were cool with it. Then internet dating came along. I had been talkin to Tim for about 6 months. We met, great chemistry, only kissed. After we met, he wanted to see me more and explore other levels of our relationship. I told him. He broke up with me over a text message. I was hurt for a while, but I got over it.

    Now that I am internet dating, not just looking for sex, I disclose it in my first email. I look at it this way, no time is really invested in him, if he isn’t comfortable with your “situation” he can dismiss it and you can move on. However, it ultimately comes down to preference. I have told potential lovers in person as well, it almost seemed as if they were saying to me….ok, can we move on now.

    Yes HPVII is uncurable, it can still be transmitted even when you are on medication and no signs of an outbreak. Always practice safe sex PERIOD!

    The chances of some one suing your becuase you have HPVII is slim to none, but, if you are involved in a realtionship and it ends up in marriage and you did not disclose that information about you beforehand, YOU CAN BE SUED and divorced in a hearbeat!!!

    There are also special dietary supplements that can keep your HPVII at bay along with Valtrex and Famvir, and of course a lower stress level! Good luck with the latter.

    Don’t be afraid to have an “adult” conversation about your HPVII, it is only RIGHT to tell a potential partner. Be there for them when they have questions, sending them to a website can freak them out! Yes you may have to modify your sexual repitoire, but, your partner will have respect and trust for you in the end.

25. Ed Farnsworth Mar 9th 2008 at 08:02 pm 25

    Speaking as a man who has never had a cold sore. The reason 1/6 of the population has herpes is because of the attitude of some of the carriers on this site. I always ask potential partners before any sexual contact if they have ever had an std. If they answer affirmatively… fine, I’m gone and they have my sympathy. But I was lied to once by a woman who thought that putting me at risk for this incurable disease was “no big deal.” What scum! A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.

26. Jared Meyer Mar 9th 2008 at 09:52 pm 26

    “Drug and Disease Free”

    I’ve had my eye on the profiles of single woman online and I’ve never seen any of them include the notation of “drug and disease free.” Then again I’ve rarely be proactive and searched for them.

    Are addictions and health conditions so personal that most people don’t share this intimate information until after hopes have been built and care has been developed?

    From a romantic/love development standpoint, it makes sense to wait until it’s right to talk about health. From a humanitarian standpoint, however, to me – it makes sense to put all the cards on the deck to determine the best match of two candidates. We’re often not as selective as we really could be and our efforts are sometimes extended due to lacking information we “could have used yesterday.”

    Within our online profiles, we share income, religious beliefs, our diet, and smoking habits. What’s holding us back from sharing more information like addictions and health conditions? Fear and embarrassment.

    Imagine a nation where most people provided more understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance – essentially more love. We’d be less angry, ignorant, and mean-spirited, and could make better decisions with regard to all areas of our lives beyond health and love.

    I hope to read more posts with less ego and more compassion. Have you ever considered that no one is right and no one is wrong? We just are who we choose to be and that we want to know or believe whatever we feel is best for us.

27. Cynthia Apr 9th 2008 at 02:16 am 27

    Jeez. I am *so* envious of those of you who have had decent reactions from those you’ve told. I have told three men now since I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. All three have had varying levels of poor reactions to it. I’m starting to feel like a leper.

    None of the three expressed any regret that I had H, concern for my well-being, nor respect or appreciation for the fact that I cared enough about their welfare to tell them. It was all about them! *Their* risk, how this would effect *them*. If someone tells you they have a disease, for god sake part of your reaction *should* be to say that you’re sorry to hear that! I can’t imagine someone being told that their friend has cancer, and omitting any sense of concern for that person and just focusing on how it would effect them (”Damn! I guess that means I’ll have to be inconvenienced by spending time at your sickbed!”).

    A couple of the men I told immediately took intercourse off the table, without asking question one about H (and they weren’t educated about it) but just presumed I would do other sexual activities with them. Hello?! I am a partner in this relationship as well. You don’t just get to dictate to me what we’ll be doing and presume I’ll be fine with that. And if someone isn’t even open to the possibility that I am worth taking a small risk for (and having protected sex with a person who is not having an outbreak IS a small risk), if I’m so unspecial and unimportant to them and our relationship is not meaningful enough to be worth it, then I don’t want to be with them in any capacity.

    One of them initially said he was ok with it, but then got cold feet *without telling me* (couldn’t be bothered to reciprocate my honesty) and instead of having intercourse and/or cunnilingus as we’d talked about, I just gave him a BJ, he fingered me, and that was it. Leaving me confused until I pointedly asked if that was the reason.

    One of them actually critiqued the timing of when I chose to tell him! The way I see it, you cannot win. If you tell someone “too soon” they may consider it TMI; if you wait too long, they may feel strung along (the actual words used were “left it waiting like a time bomb”). And there is no getting inside that person’s head and knowing exactly when they’d want to be told. Critiquing someone’s timing is an unbelievably tacky way to respond to someone who has been caring and daring enough to have this difficult conversation.

    In short, I am still waiting to be treated as honorably as I have continued to treat my potential sexual partners.

    Yes, it’s important for those with Herpes to tell their potential partners, as this article points out… but I’d like to see it stressed that it’s just as important for those potential partners to react with compassion and open-mindedness. The reason there are people out there who don’t tell is because they are tired of being made to feel like lepers. Respect and concern is a two way street. Or should be!!

28. Michael Ejercito Apr 9th 2008 at 07:50 am 28

    Cynthia,

    Have you met any other men with herpes?

29. Dave Jun 7th 2008 at 07:13 pm 29

    I got it from my girlfriend. She didn’t tell me she had it when we started dating, she didn’t tell me she had it when we moved in together. When I found a bottle of Valtrex she had stashed, the sores on my package made sense and I visited my doctor. He told me yes indeed I had the Herpes. At which time I confronted her about her Valtrex bottle, and she denied it was for herpes, she attempted to tell me she had Valtrex for shingles and the occasional oral outbreak but no way did she have genital herpes. She even tried to push it back on me and say how did I know I didnt have it and gave it to her. Now I am not stupid but for a moment I pondered the idea. I have stayed with this woman for 4 years since finding out, more or less I am afraid to try to find someone else. Those Valtrex commercials are complete lies for a guy to have it and a woman who doesn’t? He might as well have AIDS. So recently, this nasty woman decides she isn’t getting her way and we should break up. I want to take her to court, she has ruined me. Just to make sure, I called my ex girlfriend I had before this woman and guess what? No herpes–never had it she is even going to go get tested and send me the results to take to my lawyer.

30. SUNSHINE Jun 8th 2008 at 02:20 pm 30

    Hello, I am 28 year old female. I am pretty much scared. I’ve known I’ve had herpes for about 2 years now and as much as I read about it, it freaks me out and scares me because I plan to have kids. I’ve only been with 4 guys my whole life. I have friends who sleep around often and can never quit figure out “why me”. I have child hood friend of mine, more of a friend of the family. I’ve known for years that he was interested in me however, we just never connected. I was always with someone and so was he. Recently I found out he’s in the army and we’ve connected. We’ve been talking every day and I can’t believe I never got to know him better. We have grown very close and he talks alot of us moving to be together after If finish college at home. He will be making a visit in a few months. I don’t know if I am to tell him via email, over the phone or face to face. I am soo scared he will look at me differently and hate me.

31. NYC Aug 22nd 2008 at 09:07 pm 31

    I think it’s not fair to say “If a man can’t see through the herpes then he’s not really someone who cares, etc.” Guys, herpes is not medically serious, but for a subset of people it really adversely affects their life. Someone made a comment saying that it’s not fair to judge someone based on height, ethnicity, hair color, etc, so similarly it’s bad to judge someone based on having herpes. I don’t think people are judging or looking down on others. But look – if I marry someone with brown hair or with different color skin, it doesn’t result in painful sores. Herpes usually is mild or not even significant, but nobody knows how their body will react to it. I understand that it’s easy to rationalize “if he loves me then he won’t care too much about me having it” but I don’t think it’s that simple. It’s not simple because it’s something that affects the other partner for their whole life. I would say DON’T JUDGE someone who considers it a dealbreaker.

32. George Sep 1st 2008 at 06:00 am 32

    I was a virgin (by choice) tll my mid 20’s when i got married. A few years later that went south, and after the divorce was final, on the rebound I started having sex with just about any cute chick I met at the bar. I was the epitome of the male slut… I tried a comdom the first time, but after years of never wearing one, I hated it and was stupid enough to stop wearing them. You’d be surprised how many women out there don’t care, or if you try to wear one, don’t want you to.

    Anyways, then I got into a serious relationship, and we both got checked and were both clean. Then after we broke up, i had a one night stand. Eventually me an my ex got back together, and about a week later I told her I had had a one night stand while we were broken up. Well, we both went to the doctor, again, and yup, i got it from the one night stand. So my gf called my one night stand and it turns out the one night stand knew she had herpes and didn’t tell me. (She thought she had been ‘cured’ of it) Yeah, we thought of suing, but it wasn’t worth the time or hassle. So far the absolute worst part of all of this has been that I gave it to someone else, not knowing that I had it. I can only imagine how it would feel to give it to someone knowing I had it. I would never ever risk it now that I know that i have it. My gf felt like she had just become a second class citizen or a leper and it was all my fault. Try imagining how it would feel to tell the person you love as they sit there crying that you gave them herpes! (I reiterate I didn’t know i had it at the time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it).

    Well, now I”m not with my ex anymore (Not because of that, other issues), and am now back into the dating scene, but this time with my new “little friend”

    The first outbreak I had was painful as hell, lasted like two weeks and made peeing burn like hell. Now that I’ve learned to deal with the it sin’t so bad. I pop a few valtrex, rub some acyclovir (you can get the creme in mexico for $5 a tube) and it is gone in two to three days tops. As far as having herpes, I could have been a whole lot worse. HIV will kill you, and other stuff like cyphalis will really mess you up if you don’t treat it . To be honest, my getting herpes might have been a good, thing, cause now that I’m single again, I’m not the male whore I was last time I went through a bad breakup. I could have gotten something a lot worse last time, and didn’t. So far I’ve been single for a few months and havent’ met anyone worth more than a one night stand, and thus havent’ had sex since my break up either. And when I do meet someone I’m interested I absolutely plan on telling them before we are intimate that I have it. It is hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to date me after they find out, but the alternative of infecting them and then them finding out the hard way is a whole hell of a lot worse.

33. hunter Sep 1st 2008 at 10:09 am 33

    On post #32,

    You started having sex with almost every cute chick you met at the bar?….You lucky dog!…..You must be very good looking………..Seriously, I have only known one woman who admitted having sex with a man that had herpes. She was a RN, and knew he was infected. She said she never caught it. I never tried to find out if she caught it or not….

34. Anon Sep 1st 2008 at 10:42 am 34

    George
    You will find an understanding caring soul, who won’t judge you for having herpes. My sis married a guy who had it, and after yrs of marriage she never caught it. If there’s an outbreak, you don’t have sex. You take the Valtrex or whatever to help prevent outbreaks. (Right? I’m not an expert) You don’t use the same towels, etc.
    I’m probably judged just as much for being a curvy girl, and having 2 kids at home.

35. Bella Nov 4th 2008 at 08:53 am 35

    As a carrier with no symptoms, I try to be open to whatever reaction I may get when I disclose. Yes I’m on medication and yes I’m honest and upfront. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it uncomfortable and nerve racking? Absolutely. It has never been a dealbreaker and it has never stopped a man from pursuing a relationship with me. I’m sure for someone at some point it won’t be worth the risk and I respect that (although it may hurt and be dissapointing). These are the choices and the realities of dating. The conversation is never easy but it is necessary.

36. moonsical Nov 5th 2008 at 07:16 am 36

    Good lord, what a loaded topic. Of course you MUST tell a potential intimate partner. Of course it is NOT first date material (duh.)

    Herpes, to my understanding, is much more serious for women, putting us at greater risk for cervical cancer. I’ve only had one partner (that I know of) with herpes and he DID NOT feel the need to tell me about it, because he had no outbreak at that time. A mutual friend who had gotten herpes from him told me! Nice, huh? Lucky for me (ever vigilant with the condoms, for one thing) I seem to have dodged that bullet.

    Wait until the time is right but yes, TELL YOUR PARTNER. ALWAYS.

37. CB Nov 5th 2008 at 04:42 pm 37

    Actually, it’s Chlamydia that puts women at greater risk for cervical cancer. I don’t think Herpes does, but it still is an awful thing to have. By the way, do you use condoms with oral sex, moonsical? I believe it can be passed on that way as well.

    I was honest with the guy that I have been dating about having Herpes. At first, he said that he did not care (which was wonderful…), but now we think he might have gotten it on his face. Now, he’s afraid to have any kind of sex with me. I think I am going to have to go on the preventative med, Valtrex. I did not believe it would be that easy to pass on, if I didn’t have an outbreak, but I guess that shedding thing really happens, big time. Ugh!

38. Cynthia Nov 6th 2008 at 06:33 am 38

    CB, it would be nice if you didn’t “correct” someone else’s post without doing your research first. YES, Herpes increases a woman’s risk for cervical cancer. As a first step you can Google it; then it would probably be a good idea to talk to your gynecologist. Here’s a link to get you started: http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/20061101/herpes-virus-linked-to-cervical-cancer

39. CB Nov 8th 2008 at 09:06 pm 39

    Sorry if I was wrong, but it would be nice if you weren’t so condescending, Cynthia. I have done research and talked with my gynecologist. Also, look more carefully at the 3rd and 5th paragraphs of the article you sent. It actually notes that HPV is what is associated with the increased risk of cervical cancer, while herpes is often an accomplice. Regardless, it sucks to have any of these conditions and I am in agreement with moonsical that partners should respect each other and tell.

40. The InBetweener Nov 9th 2008 at 01:37 pm 40

    I think we would ALL agree, no matter what the outcome or the risk of losing a potential partner, it’s ALWAYS best to inform the partner before hand. (even if it’s RIGHT before)

    The worse thing anybody could do, no matter HOW minor a deal you think it is, is to omit that type of information before hand.

    I think Kat Wilder nailed it, always give the potential future partner the FACTS and a choice to decide for themselves. It really could be a deal breaker for some people but I think they have a right to decide on whether it is or not, even if you feel you were not given that same right to decide.

41. Truth 1st Sex Later Nov 10th 2008 at 09:50 pm 41

    Hi ALL,

    I read all the comments and I’m glad I did before sharing my story with the internet world. I’m 100% negative as of today (3 yearly PAP and Blood Tests) from any STDs but I still think that one day I will eventually get a genital outbreak even though I’ve been sex free since my last relationship.

    Here is my story:

    I dated someone for several years and prior to dating them I always tested negative for HPV/Genital Warts and any other STDs including HIV (yearly HIV tests and PAP Tests). During our relationship, about 5 yrs into it she was diagnosed with HPV and had visible warts. She went to OBGYN and it was confirmed. She stated that her OBGYN said it is very common that I could be the carrier and didn’t know and have an outbreak yet. I went immediately for testing the following day.

    I was 100% negative of all STDs including HIV. I continued dating her for about 6 more months and tried not to have sexual contact with her until I could confirm that she was being unfaithful. It eventually caused problems and we broke it off. I still can’t confirm if she was ever unfaithful during our relationship.

    Since our breakup, I have found out that she has had 2 sexual partners (no protection used) and did NOT inform them of her Genital Warts/HPV. I confronted her and she admitted to it. I also threatened to out her which I haven’t as of yet. I feel as though I’m condoning her to continue this behavior and putting others in danger.

    I would like to say to Jen:
    Please share your STD with all potential partners. You need to do it before sex and it has to be at your comfort level. No one should tell you when or where. Only you will know when it’s the right time. After all this, I would consider dating someone with an STD if they were honest and how they approached me with the news. Btw…men can’t be tested for HPV until an outbreak occurs. So are we ever certain?

    Please comment replies are welcome!

42. Dan Jan 9th 2009 at 03:04 am 42

    The medical profession is lying to people about the SEVERE life threatening effects of genital herpes. Let me share with you my story. I contracted HSV2 from the first girl I ever had sex with. It was in 1986 and I was 26 yrs. old at the time. As a devout Christian, I had decided that I would remain a virgin until I married but unfortunately I failed to live up to my expectations. Anyway, I met this cute girl, we dated for a couple of weeks, and then she invited me to spend some time with her at her house in the country. On the way to her house we bought some wine and ended up drinking way too much. I had no intentions of sleeping with her but after the wine was pretty easily convinced to stay the night. I was a 26 yr. old virgin, so I didn’t really know much about sex or sexually transmitted diseases for that matter. Anyway, we were both pretty tipsy and ended up having sex. The next morning she awakened me with the news that she had both Aids and Herpes. I was in complete shock. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to even begin to know what to do. This is back in the 80s, little was known of these diseases back then. I just swore to God that I would recommit my heart to Him and and asked Him to forgive me for having had sex and please to protect me from having something. For the next seven years, I never even went on a date. Although I never had any outbreak or anything like that I would tend to have a persistent sore throat. Anyway, after 7 yrs or so, I met this girl that I found simply irrestible. Knowing what had happened to me I decided to go to the doctor and have a full battery of tests for all sexually transmitted diseases. Gratefully I did not have Aids but I tested positive for genital herpes. I risked my relationship with the girl I so deeply adored and told her of my findings. We went to three more doctors together to confirm my diagnosis. I had to release this girl who I loved so much because I could never subject her to herpes. Unfortunately, and this is the bad part, over the past 10 years I have developed severe peripheral neuropathy in my feet and hands. Some days I can not even walk the neuropathy in my feet is so severe. I have been diagnosed with herpes phyringitis, evidently from when me and that girl had oral sex so very long ago. I am taking Lyrica for the neuropathy and Zovirax for herpes suppression. Both of them are very expensive and I am uninsurable because of the neuropathy. Up until about 10 yrs ago my immune system had managed to fight the herpes pretty well but now for the past 10 yrs my life has been complete hell on earth. Had I known what I know now back in 1986 I would have sued that girl for everything she had or ever would have. That just something you should think about should you think about not informing a potential sexual partner that you have this disease. I also spent a short time in law school and know for a fact that people have been sued for this and suffered not only extreme public embarrassment but heavy financial judgments. If you are an unfortunate victim of this insidious disease, my prayers are with you, yes, even that girl of so long ago, my prayers are with her. As a Christian I do believe in Jesus’s eternal mercy and power for physical healing here on earth. I pray that you can find your consolation in Him. Be blessed.

43. Cynthia Jan 9th 2009 at 01:47 pm 43

    Oh for flurk’s sake. First of all, spare us the morality play. IF you really contracted Herpes from having sex once ever in your life, you are the RARE exception. What you seem to be implying is that unless everyone believes exactly what you do about Christianity and morality, and reserves sex for marriage alone, we will all immediately get an STD and suffer all the health consequences you have suffered.

    Your ploy is transparent and unconvincing at best. Just take a look around, talk to the people who acknowledge they have Herpes, you will hear very few of them indeed with such an over-the-top story.

    LOTS of people have herpes with few effects at all, or with effects that are much more manageable than what you describe. IF you really have the health problems you claim to have, and IF such problems can really be traced to Herpes (I am very skeptical about both of those points), you are the exception, not the rule.

    You refer to supposed “heavy financial judgements” in cases where a sexual partner has not told someone they had Herpes. Please reference these cases as I was unable to find them in a Google search. Otherwise, it just looks like you are puffing up your argument by resorting to hard evidence that you haven’t actually provided.

    You are exactly the type of person whose hysterics makes people who don’t know much about Herpes think it is the end of the world. What you’re doing makes life harder for those of us who actually live with Herpes (I doubt you do).

44. Selena Jan 9th 2009 at 04:28 pm 44

    I suspect poster #42 has a psychological disorder he is choosing to attribute to HSV2.

45. blueeyes Jan 9th 2009 at 04:36 pm 45

    Thank you Cynthia!!!!!
    The facts are if have herpes, use condoms and obstain from sex during breakouts your partner has a less than 1% chance of contracting. 1 in 5 adults have HSV2. Talk to your partner before becoming intimate. I do, and I’ve never had a guy walk away and never had a partner contract.
    Life with herpes is not the end of the world!

46. Dan Jan 10th 2009 at 04:55 am 46

    Dear Cynthia,

    I drew an overbroad generalization in my first message. I should have said the POTENTIALLY severe life threatening effects of genital herpes.

    I am very sorry if you were offended by anything I wrote.
    My desire was to simply state the truthful experience I have endured for the past 22 or so yrs. It wasnt until about 10 yrs ago that I began to experience the severe complications which unfortunately in the past 2 yrs have almost crippled me. My monthly expense for the Lyrica and Valtrex now exceeds $400 and I have been denied medical insurance because of the neuropathy. Without the Lyrica I am unable to walk.

    I believe that every person’s heart and life is unique to God, I was just explaining what happened to me. For me I know I betrayed my better judgment at the time and subsequently have endured very severe consequences. However, i also believer that the only absolute standard of good or bad is Jesus Christ, for that I make no apology.

    Something which I did not reveal in my first message is the following. The girl that I was so much in love with and had to give up on because I was willing to be truthful with and reveal I had herpes was recently diagnosed with the disease. Her boyfriend cheated on her after many years of them being together. She was recently awarded an out of court settlement for $200,000 against him. We are now dating each other again and I still love her exceedingly. My prayer is that we can soon marry.

    Here is some reference information for you to peruse regarding potential life threatening complications of herpes pharyngitis.

    http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/peripheralneuropathy/detail_peripheralneuropathy.htm

    The article is issued by the National Institute of Health and is dated Dec. 2008

    highlighted excerpt follows:

    Infections and autoimmune disorders can cause peripheral neuropathy. Viruses and bacteria that can attack nerve tissues include herpes varicella-zoster (shingles), Epstein-Barr virus, cytomegalovirus, and herpes simplex-members of the large family of human herpes viruses.

    These viruses severely damage sensory nerves, causing attacks of sharp, lightning-like pain.

    Postherpetic neuralgia often occurs after an attack of shingles and can be particularly painful.

    And also the following:

    http://www.endquest.com/click.php?value=22561&keyword=medical,malpractice

    highlighted excerpt follows:

    The issue of consent was discussed in depth in 1986 U.Il.L.Rev. 779 Paul Murray & Brenda J. Winslett, The Constitutional Right to Privacy and Emerging Tort Liability for Deceit in Interpersonal
    Relationships.

    One must give knowing consent for it to be an effective legal defense; consent is vitiated if it is procured by fraud or concealment. Id. at 793. As noted: One may also commit a
    battery in the case of consensual sexual [intercourse] as to the nature of the contact. An action for battery lies in the herpes transmission cases, for example, since consent to sexual
    intercourse cannot be equated with consent to infection with a `vile and loathsome disease. (emphasis supplied) Id. at 809.

    And some cases you can easily google.

    A woman who contracted genital herpes from her husband was awarded $630,000 by a Manhattan jury on Friday, culminating a legal dispute that lasted nearly a decade.

    Jane Maharan, 64, who divorced Robert Maharan in 1986 after 34 years of marriage, was awarded $400,000 for his negligence, $100,000 for future medical expenses and $250,000 in punitive damages.

    A civil jury this week awarded Michelle E. Rudolph $475,000 for assault and $475,000 for negligence after Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Jose Lima was found guilty of infecting her with genital herpes, attorney Chad Dunn said.

    Meany v. Meany, 639 So. 2d 229 (La. 1994) (genital herpes)
    Jury awarded $ 125,000.00 in damages to compensate Mrs. Meany for pain and suffering, mental anguish, permanent disability, medical expenses, and loss of society and enjoyment of life:
    The wife had recovered a judgment from the trial court against the husband for the negligent infliction of a venereal disease.

    Anyway I would still recommend telling a potential sexual partner.
    It is just not fair to the other person.

    May you or the other posters be always richly blessed.

47. CN Jan 10th 2009 at 10:01 am 47

    I have to comment on the above post. Again, I agree with the other posters that you are misleading people with your comments. While you comment that the virus you have is a member of the herpes virus family, it is not HSV2.

    For example, shingles is very different in symptoms and manisfestation than HSV 1 or 2. You should take more care in how you present your “facts”. There is enough disinformation about HSV.

48. Cynthia Jan 10th 2009 at 12:26 pm 48

    Dan:

    As I stated previous to your post, I do believe a person who knows they have Herpes should tell their potential partner before they become sexually involved. That doesn’t mean that I agree that Herpes is as huge of a deal as you are making it out to be.

    If, as you claim, you want everyone who has Herpes to tell their potential partners, then you are actually hurting your own cause by overstating the risk and effects of Herpes.

    There are already many people in the world who are ignorant about Herpes and who respond to being told their potential partner has it with judgement and overreaction rather than understanding and compassion. We need more people to be educated and realistic about it. Having folks such as yourself jumping up and down about it just causes more problems for those of us who actually have to live (and love) with it. And, ironically, the more people habitually overreact, the less likely those with Herpes are to tell and expose themselves to that overreaction. So you are hurting your own cause with this hysteria.

    I’ll make another point again since you may have missed it: oral Herpes is still Herpes. And over half of adults in this country have HSV type 1 (the type most commonly found in oral Herpes), according to the most recent research (http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/296/8/964).

    I’ve never once had anyone warn me that they had oral Herpes before kissing me. Have you? Have you even *heard* of anyone who does this? Should I go sue all of the men I’ve kissed whom I find out had ever in their lives had a “cold sore” (i.e. Herpes lesion around their lips), for not telling me before kissing me? If not, why not?

    Oral Herpes is considered as much of a health risk as genital Herpes, if not greater (because on rare occasion it can infect the brain). http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html The reason we don’t consider a cold sore around the lips as being as big of a deal in our society as having genital Herpes (whether there are active lesions or not) seems to be that anything associated with the “genitals” is automatically “bad”. You and your zealous ilk are in part to thank for that.

    Simply stating that someone won a $200,000 out-of-court settlement is not proof. Discussing personal experience or opinion is fine as long as it is clear that’s what it is, but trying to support your argument with statistics and “facts” you haven’t backed up is not a fair rhetorical tactic. Please either show proof of this $200,000 settlement, or leave it out of your argument. By juxtaposing this claim with the cited court cases, you imply that it has the same credibility. And by citing a personal experience with a monetary award for contracting Herpes from a partner who did not tell, you imply that such an experience is commonplace. If you really believe in what you are claiming, you don’t need such dirty rhetorical tricks.

    Frankly, I don’t believe anything you’re saying about your personal experiences. I continue to believe that your posts come from a religious zealot who will use any tactic to try to make people so hysterical about the risk and effects of Herpes that they will be afraid to have sex.

    It’s the rare person who gets Herpes the very first time he ever has intercourse. It’s the rare person who has such bad health effects from Herpes as you claim. And it’s the rare person who is awarded hundreds of thousands of dollars for anything, let alone having contracted Herpes from someone who didn’t reveal that they had it. Combine all those rarities together, and you get a statistical probability so low that I’d be willing to bet large sums of money that you’re a fraud.

    Speaking of large sums of money: I did some more Googling and also found a bunch of cases that were dismissed. It’s interesting that you don’t include those in your short list. You seem to be implying that because a handful of people won large settlements, that means that getting Herpes is in fact the end of the world, and that the court recognized that fact and compensated the plaintiffs accordingly. But sometimes people are awarded settlements that are all out of proportion to the crime committed against them. The whole movement of tort reform exists because of these unreasonable judgements.

    Your own information shows that peripheral neuropathy can be attributed to a variety of causes. The Epstein-Barr virus is what causes mononucleosis (”mono”) and is extremely common. The vast majority of adults in this country have had it. http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/ebv.htm

    And the “large family of human herpes viruses” includes such things as chicken pox!

    So your own words show that you do not know that genital Herpes is what caused this rare disease in you. Why you are here demonizing Herpes rather than on some other board preaching against kissing (which is what transmits mono) is beyond me. Or maybe you do in fact spend all your time warning everyone not to ever touch another human being in a romantic or sexual way.

    For you, I actually think that’s good advice. For the rest of us, not so much.

49. Cynthia Jan 10th 2009 at 12:40 pm 49

    So I looked at your link http://www.endquest.com/click.php?value=22561&keyword=medical,malpractice and was amused to find that this case didn’t deal with Herpes at all, but with genital warts, and that it wasn’t a finding in favor of the plaintiff, but rather just a remand–meaning she could go ahead with her case in another court.

    Oh yeah, and, I’m still waiting to hear why any of the effects you claim to have had are “life threatening”. In what way is your life threatened by having tingling in your hands and feet? Nah, nevermind, I suppose I shouldn’t continue to feed the troll.

50. Mandy Jan 15th 2009 at 02:46 pm 50

    Hi everyone,

    I am glad to have read this board. It is very helpful as I have had HSV II for about 5 years now. I didn’t worry about it too much because I got it from my boyfriend at the time who then became my husband (He didn’t know he had it either). Anyway, we have since separated, and recently, I have gotten close to a young woman who I really care about. We talk a lot with sexual undertones and we make out all the time. I know it can lead to sex (my first lesbian sex) and I want to tell her within the next few days because I don’t want to waste anymore time with her not knowing. Does anyone have any examples in this case where it is a same sex relationship? Thanks for any comments you might have.

51. Karl R Jan 16th 2009 at 08:56 am 51

    Mandy: (#50)
    I can’t see how a same-sex relationship changes thing. It’s one person talking to another person.

    The next time you’re in private, sit her down and tell her, “Before things go any further, there’s something you need to know. About 5 years ago …” Then tell your story from there. Keep it simple and keep it factual. Answer any questions she has.

    She may be understanding. She may not. Those are the same possibilities that exist if you were telling a man.

52. kat Jan 16th 2009 at 04:00 pm 52

    I’m so glad I found these posts on this topic today. I don’t have a lot to add – I’ve had genital herpes for approximately 6 years, I always struggle with when to tell a potential sexual partner about my condition and have found that the only “good time” is before things get hot and heavy — once things are rolling he may not take the time to make an “informed choice” before we become intimate. I am 43 and find that many of the men in my dating pool are somewhat recently out of long term marriages and seem to know nothing about herpes…..consequently the fact that I have herpes is generally not received well and has been a dealbreaker several times. It is hard to handle that kind of rejection, as it often comes with a judgment about me and my character. I thank those of you who do not have herpes for your expressions of support for those of us who do. I did find one comment (well, more than one, but I’m exercising restraint) pretty outrageous:

    A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.

    Ummmm, I can’t tell you how many times I have sucked it up and made myself completely vulnerable to a potential partner by disclosing my condition only to have them (MALES) say “Oh, don’t worry, I’ve ‘been exposed’ to herpes, (or even tested positive)(or had an outbreak “once”) but I don’t think I have it because I’ve never had symptoms, never had another outbreak, etc.”…… Clearly these men are not proactively disclosing the fact that they may have herpes, and, frankly, the chances are that they do have herpes, and that they are spreading it with impunity and no guilt because they are naive enough to believe that they don’t have it because they haven’t had “symptoms”. Alert to men re: “symptoms” — they vary, and according to lots and lots of literature, men often believe that they have an abrasion on their genitals when, in fact, they have a herpes sore. Please, please, please don’t take it lightly when a Dr. tells you that you have tested positive for herpes simply because you don’t “feel” like you have it. You need to be as upfront with your partner as you want her to be with you.

    OK, I’m rambling, but to the man who warns “the healthy” (please…) that women who have herpes lie – you’re making a gross generalization about “women who have herpes” – in my experience some men have no problem lying about or minimizing their condition.

    #42 — Your medical condition sounds awful – if it is somehow related to genital herpes I’m sure we will be reading about you soon in some medical journals soon. In the meantime I hope your doctors are exploring other potential culprits (auto-immune disorders…….) in order to address your symptoms.

53. Sayanta Jan 18th 2009 at 10:59 am 53

    I’m going to be honest- those of you who said you’d still continue to date people with herpes are way kinder than I am. I want to say off the bat that I sympathize a great deal with people who have it- it sounds awful.

    At the same time, I’m not going to put my own health at risk, even for ‘love’. I think the first and foremost concern people should have is respect for their own bodies (it goes to knowing how to take care of yourself before you can take care of others), and if you KNOWINGLY sleep with someone who can infect you, that respect’s gone. If someone told me they had any kind of STI, I’d honestly have to walk. I hope it never happens, because it would suck to meet the man of my dreams and find out he’s infected with an STI.

54. CN Jan 18th 2009 at 01:30 pm 54

    To poster#53: Thank God there are many great people in this world who don’t think as you do. Having an STI is like many long-term health conditions. Have you ever been tested? How do you know you don’t have the virus? Wouldn’t it be ironic if you were tested and found out you had it without knowing as a high percentage of people who have and don’t know it.

55. Sayanta Jan 19th 2009 at 08:21 am 55

    “Have you ever been tested? How do you know you don’t have the virus?”

    I’m a virgin- that’s how I know. STI’s (meeting men who have it)are one of the reasons I’ve stayed that way.

    I understand why you’re upset by my comment- but I still stand by what I’ve said. As for other long term health conditions- they’re not contagious so it’s different. For example, I’d date someone who had diabetes or high cholesterol.

56. Sayanta Jan 19th 2009 at 08:59 am 56

    This is NYC’s post #31

    “I think it’s not fair to say “If a man can’t see through the herpes then he’s not really someone who cares, etc.” Guys, herpes is not medically serious, but for a subset of people it really adversely affects their life… But look – if I marry someone with brown hair or with different color skin, it doesn’t result in painful sores. Herpes usually is mild or not even significant, but nobody knows how their body will react to it. I understand that it’s easy to rationalize “if he loves me then he won’t care too much about me having it” but I don’t think it’s that simple. It’s not simple because it’s something that affects the other partner for their whole life. I would say DON’T JUDGE someone who considers it a dealbreaker.”

    I just saw NYC’s post- THANK YOU! My sentiments exactly. Interesting how no one responded to NYC’s post. I think we’re so politically correct now that you have to say you’re willing to date anyone no matter what the adverse effects on your own life is. Well, sorry- that’s not happening. If I found out every single male in the universe is infected with an STI, I’d join a Buddhist nunnery.

57. Michael Ejercito Jan 19th 2009 at 09:58 am 57

    I’m a virgin- that’s how I know. STI’s (meeting men who have it)are one of the reasons I’ve stayed that way.
    Sex is not the only method of spreading STI’s, contrary to popular belief.

    Herpes (both types) can be spread by kissing.

    Syphilis can be spread by touch.

58. Sayanta Jan 19th 2009 at 11:25 am 58

    “Syphilis is passed from person to person through direct contact with a syphilis sore. Sores occur mainly on the external genitals, vagina, anus, or in the rectum. Sores also can occur on the lips and in the mouth. Transmission of the organism occurs during vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Pregnant women with the disease can pass it to the babies they are carrying. Syphilis cannot be spread through contact with toilet seats, doorknobs, swimming pools, hot tubs, bathtubs, shared clothing, or eating utensils.”
    from this website
    http://www.cdc.gov/std/syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm#spread

    It says specifically that transmission occurs during sex.

59. Michael Ejercito Jan 19th 2009 at 03:17 pm 59

    It says specifically that transmission occurs during sex.
    This is true.

    But it can also be passed through the umbilical cord. And in second stage syphilis, sores appear all over the body, providing another venue of transmissions.

60. Mandy Jan 20th 2009 at 09:52 am 60

    I just wanted to update everyone. I spoke to my girlfriend about HSV over the phone because it came up at that time. She didn’t even flinch. She said her sister has it too and it got passed to her from their mother at birth. It did literally take about 5 minutes. I am so happy that is over with and it eliminates some extra unnecessary stress that I was feeling just thinking about telling her. I also did realize that a lot of it had to do with how my demeanor was when we discussed it. I am happy that she really likes me for more than just a sexual relationship and she still wants to pursue the relationship. Just for the record, we have not had sex yet, but when we talk about it, it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. Thanks for a wonderful message board!

61. gale Feb 12th 2009 at 05:49 pm 61

    Dave, I really feel for what happend , your gf having it and not telling you, I feel for you,because that is exactly what happend to me. The guy I had dated for months, didnt tell me he had herpes. Im still in shock about it and i know my life will never be the same again. Of course for me, it wont be a need to tell anyone, because I would never risk giving this to anyone. My sex life is over!

62. Maria Feb 12th 2009 at 10:21 pm 62

    For those of you who are honest about your STD beforehand, God bless you! Very commendable. For those of you who struggle with it, for God sakes think of someone other than yourself for one minute. JUST SAY IT

63. Karl R Feb 13th 2009 at 11:33 am 63

    gale said: (#61)
    “I would never risk giving this to anyone. My sex life is over!”

    I can understand (and applaud) your decision to never risk passing herpes on. But why does that require your sex life to be over?

    There are dating sites for people with herpes:
    http://www.PositiveSingles.com
    http://www.STDmatch.net
    H-Date.com

    You can stick to your decision and still pursue romance.

64. gale Feb 13th 2009 at 04:45 pm 64

    I understand what your saying, and thank you. I just dont feel at this point in my life I want to date. I went wihout sex for over two years before this happed to me. Then because of one stupid choice I made in one moment of weakness, my whole life as I once knew it is over. I know it could be worse, but right now it feels like all I want to do is go into a dark room away from everyone and cry all day everyday. I guess as time passes I will learn to smile again, maybe.. But for anyone out there who doesnt have this virus. Think twice and even three or four times before you have sex with anyone,, and condom’s do not protect you 100 percent, I suggest requesting a std test before deciding to have sex. or better yet, follow Gods plan and insructions for our sex lives, then none of us would end up having this life long virus.
    Thank you though Karl,anyway..

65. kat Feb 14th 2009 at 08:47 am 65

    #61 – i know you’re feeling blindsided, scared, guilty, etc. about the fact that you have GH — believe me, all of us who have it went through the same emotions. i’m not sure how long you’ve known about your condition, but i would hope that you would actually read Evan’s response to the original question in this thread, as well as the posts by others who have herpes and have found that life goes on. we haven’t locked ourselves up and cried everyday, more importantly we don’t let the fact that we have GH define who we are. your sex life is not over, and neither is your potential to find “the one”.

66. Michael Feb 14th 2009 at 10:00 am 66

    And what is God’s plan?

67. Rach Feb 19th 2009 at 09:39 am 67

    It is nice to come across these kind of websites, I feel so lonely and sad since I don’t have anyone that I can speak to about this in my life about this. Well, I have Herpes I and I just told my boyfriend that I have been recently dating about this. He was grateful to me for telling him and asked questions. HOWEVER, I acutally made one mistake and told him before we had sex. He seem fine about it but only time will tell.

68. Karl R Feb 19th 2009 at 01:41 pm 68

    Rach said: (#67)
    “I acutally made one mistake and told him before we had sex.”

    How is that a mistake?

69. ELLE Mar 19th 2009 at 11:42 am 69

    WELL I AM GLAD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE MYSELF….I’M 23 AND I WAS DATING A 39 YR OLD MAN WHO HAS HERPES. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS AND I PROTECTED MYSELF. WE RECENTLY BROKE UP AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR AND 2 MONTHS AGO BARELY I CAUGHT THE VIRUS. I AM JUST SO SCARED NOW TO GO OUT AND DATE OTHER PEOPLE. IT TERRIFIES ME!!! I AM SO SCARED OF GOING THROUGH A REJECTION I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO TELL MY NEXT RELATIONSHIP. SO FAR I’M NOT SEEING ANYBODY. I AM JUST TERRIFIED. I HAD MY FIRST BREAK OUT 2 MONTHS AGO AND I HAVE BEEN FINE SINCE, BUT ITS JUST SO HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I DON’T THINK ANYONE WILL UNDERSTAND ESPECIALLY HERE IN THE VALLEY. I FEEL PEOPLE ARE SO JUDGEMENTAL AND I WILL BE REJECTED.

70. Michael Mar 29th 2009 at 08:12 am 70

    Elle, just find a man with herpes. Since you already have it…

71. Terra Mar 30th 2009 at 07:47 pm 71

    I had unprotected sex a week ago and broke out 24 hrs later. I went to the doc and she believes it is and took a scraping. No results yet. I just went over and told the gentleman that I think he gave it to me & he should get tested. I am hearing though that you can have it for years and not now it? I have decided two things if I have it then I am giving up sex completely including looking after my personal needs – I would never have the courage to tell someone – so I would rather they think I am frigid. And if I don’t my whole body will be in a condom. I am scared to death right now. I am taking lysine, valtrex, Vit A, Zinc, Lyphsot, astralgus and a bunch of other stuff. Why can’t they just cauterize it out?

72. hunter Mar 31st 2009 at 04:02 pm 72

    Do as the doctor says, you will be fine.

73. Elle Apr 21st 2009 at 06:50 pm 73

    I have to say, I received this ‘gift’ from a man who supposedly didn’t ‘know’ he had it and continued to lie about not having it after I had a break out and was diagnosed. Nothing hurt more, nothing. After wards, I had one relationship with a friend who I had known for several years, knew me, trusted me and loved me. However, after that fell apart, I have not been able to be in a relationship because of ‘the’ herpes. I am always honest, if we click on the first date, I send an email or letter explaining it, only because it’s easier for me to explain myself and not get flustered and chicken out. I always explain this in the email/letter and always have offered other sources to show that herpes isn’t as bad as we all think, but then again, its coming from someone with herpes, so yea.

    I’m not really sure to go from this point on, I hear so many success stories, that their partners were all ok with it, but I haven’t had success. So that leads me to think, what’s wrong with me?

    Just sayin.

74. Michael Apr 22nd 2009 at 09:12 am 74

    Elle,

    can you not find someone else with herpes?

75. Karl R Apr 22nd 2009 at 10:23 am 75

    Elle said: (#73)
    “I send an email or letter explaining it, only because it’s easier for me to explain myself and not get flustered and chicken out.”
    “…but I haven’t had success.”

    I was on the receiving end of one of these conversations (she had Hepatitis C instead of herpes). Based on my personal experience, I suspect that you would improve your success rate by changing two things:

    1) Wait longer before telling him. This is personal information that you should share on a need-to-know basis. He doesn’t need to know this after the first date. He needs to know it before you have sex. I think you should wait at least 3 or 4 dates before telling him.

    2) Tell him face-to-face. I realize this is a lot more stressful than sending an e-mail. However, this is extremely personal information, and you can’t effectively communicate it in an impersonal manner (like via e-mail); too much of the content of what you’re saying gets lost.

    “that leads me to think, what’s wrong with me?”

    There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with your approach.

76. Ed Farnsworth Apr 22nd 2009 at 05:06 pm 76

    From Kat; “…the man who warns “the healthy” (please…) that women who have herpes lie – you’re making a gross generalization about “women who have herpes” – in my experience some men have no problem lying about or minimizing their condition.”
    Yeah, you’re right, Kat. I was angry and way out of line when I submitted that post. I’ve had female friends who got herpes from guys who didn’t tell them. Those men are the real scum. Not the innocent woman they gave it who is too confused or scared to be upfront right away. Tell you partners right away girls, it’s a good way to eliminate judgmental jerks like me from the potential partner pool.
    apologizes from Ed

77. rabbit Apr 26th 2009 at 05:17 am 77

    Yeah its funny how yu can just turn your noise up at someone with the hsv 2 but when its actually yu who got it,its a hole different ball game… to be honest we are out casts sorry to say.Ive just recieved it 1 month ago and i know my sex life is over.And the thing about not mentioning anything till your in bed together is just terrible… shouldnt this be said before hand instead of wasting someones time,talk about trying to trick someone into bed and then making them feel sorry for you( nice comment ) Oh and half these people that actually reply to your messages dont even have herpes,so its easy for them to say “ohh there dating sites for you guys and girls ( you other out cast freaks right ) sorry but that pretty crap to push those people into that corner. I went onto a site to see what could be done and ask for help and my question about my sex life how it would never excist again was answered by an amature and funny enough said the same think evan did ( reading from a script are we)… talking about babys and thinking of others, “ooh sorry dont i count anymore now that i have herpes… doctors are a joke.”Its ok they say you can still have sex just wear protection” oh thank so when ive got my genital out do you think she might be scared of whats on the end of my penis ? get real people..

78. Trulove Apr 26th 2009 at 07:35 pm 78

    A friend of mine had the unfortunate experience of contacting herpes from an ex-boyfriend. It really devastated her for some time but she moved on with her life. Now she found a lovely person that she wants to have a long term relationship with. She has not told him that that she has herpes yet. I think she is afraid that if she does he may say goodbye. Talk about a terrible dilema, I wish I knew what to tell her. In my culture we dont actually ever talk about these things.

79. jan May 11th 2009 at 06:14 pm 79

    i was seeing a man that i have known for 15 years, for about 2 months. We were taking things slowly because of our previous marriages and neither wanted to get hurt. I recieved the gift from my ex husband and his affair. I told this guy when i knew that we had potential for something special, after being together for about 4 weeks. I had a dr. appointment for another pap because I also recieved hpv and have had to have a biopsy. that is when i told him. It was the hardest thing that i ever had to do because I knew that time wasnt on my side. We had an open and honest relationship and very close friendship as well. I have been on valtex for 2 years and never had another out break, but i do know the risks involved. he did research and thought he could handle it. 6 weeks later, i lost alot as did he. I understand his choice and i respect it but it still hurts to this day because i know that he could have been the one, if i was clean. I also lost a very good friend and i am struggling to get that back because our friendship was special. i lost all the way around because of my ex and i did not have a choice. i have no idea what my future holds and someone will love me inspite of the ‘gift’. I just hope that people can be open and upfront w/others about if or not they have this. It does ruin many lives if you know and do not disclose, especially the ones whom believe in you.

80. Anon for this May 12th 2009 at 08:01 am 80

    I have gone on 3 dates with a guy who has it. I really like him otherwise. He told me on the 2nd date. (We have not done anything that would allow me to catch it.) I have been thinking about it for a week and the situation really upsets me. It’s a horrible choice. I am leaning towards breaking things off because it’s still so early and I don’t want to compromise my health. But, it’s so rare that I meet someone I like this much.

    I know the statistics, and I know that the odds are low that I will get it. But I don’t think I will be able to enjoy having a sex life with him because it will make me paranoid all the time.

    I screened his last phone call because I am feeling so confused. I know I need to call him back, and I will. I think it’s telling that I avoided his call though. The situation makes me really sad. I wish there was better treatment for this disease, and I wish there was less of a social stigma.

81. Cynthia May 12th 2009 at 09:21 am 81

    Anon, so you are going to trash a promising relationship because you might possibly catch a skin rash from him? Do you realize that EIGHTY PERCENT of American adults have ORAL herpes?? And that oral Herpes is no less or more of a health issue than genital? Do you ask all your dates whether they’ve ever had a cold sore before you kiss them?? And if they have, do you then break off your budding relationship with them?

    I am really sick of the unwarranted stigma some people place on genital Herpes. If people bother educating themselves and actually thinking critically about this issue rather than running on paranoia and hysteria, we’d all be a lot better off.

    I find this link very helpful to educate the ignorant: http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_emotional_relationship.cfm
    “Remember to put herpes into perspective: it is an annoying, recurrent skin condition that is treatable and manageable–no more, no less.” Amen!

82. Anon for this May 12th 2009 at 10:39 am 82

    Cynthia, the stigma is a large part of my issue with it. What if I date him for 6 months, catch the disease, and our relationship doesn’t work out? [Note: That is exactly what happened to him. And yes, he used protection. So it's a little difficult to assume that if we're responsible I won't catch it.] I’m not willing to be a sacrificial lamb. More relationships fail than succeed. I don’t want to shrink my future dating pool. Dating is hard enough as it is.

    It’s also not exactly the same as having a cold sore. I get cold sores, but they don’t give me a fever, make it hurt to pee, or increase the odds that I will have to have a C-section when/if I have a baby. I understand that it’s the same virus but it’s not a perfect equivalency.

    I feel badly and I have a lot of sympathy, but I also have to watch out for myself. I understand the statistics and that the probability is low, but I also know my tendency to overthink things. I don’t think I will be able to feel secure about having a sex life with him. That’s not fair to either of us.

83. Cynthia May 12th 2009 at 12:58 pm 83

    “It’s also not exactly the same as having a cold sore”. Yes, actually it is. EXACTLY the same as a cold sore–it IS a cold sore–only in a different location. In fact, if you do some research, you’ll see that oral Herpes is considered by some doctors to be somewhat *more* of a health risk, because of the remote possibility of brain infection. Are you going to stop kissing men you date now unless they’ve tested free of both Herpes I and II (because either can reside in either location)? Now that you know there is some remote chance of getting a brain infection from it?

    Your statement “the stigma is a large part of my issue with it” is extremely disappointing. You PERPETUATE the stigma by buying into it. Just as many white people a few decades ago perpetuated racism by caving in to societal demands that they not associate with blacks. Yes, I’m making an analogy to racism. When you cut out someone from your dating pool because something about them is a social stigma, you’re behaving very similarly.

84. Cynthia May 12th 2009 at 01:00 pm 84

    Ooohhh… you GET COLD SORES, do you? That means you have Herpes, dear! I certainly hope you disclose this information to your dates before you kiss them.

85. Lucy May 12th 2009 at 03:33 pm 85

    @ #84

    And certainly before you perform oral on a guy. You could give him genital herpes that way. And intercourse with him could infect you genitally in turn.

    Something people with “cold sores” either don’t know, or ignore.

86. Nightmare May 17th 2009 at 12:47 am 86

    This site has really enlightened me. thanks for people that contributed. I would like to relay my nightmare and see if any others have had or are having the same. 10+ years ago I was exposed to genital herpes by my ex-husband’s infidelity. I have never had an outbreak or been tested partially due to the “small town” that I reside. Emotionally this “exposure” was very devastating to me. Being the single parent of 2 young children, I didn’t make time to date, am a very private person and so I didn’t address the issue. Three years ago, when I started dating a man and the relationship was progressing (no sex yet) I still postponed talking about it as I was so humiliated, embarrassed & all of the above. Finally after another month, I told the guy, although I emotionally broke down during my explanation. The guy just blew it off, insisted it was no problem as he had had oral herpes for years and he would probably pass that to me or vice versa (his inference ‘through oral sex’). I still insisted on protection, until he insisted on stopping protection as the relationship continued. It later came out that this guy was physically separated from his wife and he stated that he had been for years (emotionally and physically). Our relationship was on and off for a couple of years. When it was apparent that he was not going to end his marriage & he started “scaring” me with his emotional state, I ended the relationship. Months later, he calls and tells me that I infected him with genital herpes. I said that I was sorry if he was infected but I had informed him before we ever had any sex that I had been exposed and possibly infected. He threatened to contact the County Health Unit and expose me unless I started seeing him again. (yes, he is still married and is now back living in the same house with his wife & kids). He continued this threat to me and now he has actually filed and is trying to sue me for maliciously infecting him. I know his whole intent is to totally humiliate me in my “small town” and I don’t have the $’s to legally fight him. Does anyone have any suggestions on any advocacy groups that would /could help. I am at my wits end. Also, my point in sharing with this site is that even though I was honest and informed him of my potential to have herpes before the relationship, it has come back to bite me because he is lying.

87. Ummm.... May 17th 2009 at 11:23 am 87

    Really basic suggestion: get tested! If you’re concerned that people will find out, go to another town where you don’t know anyone. Why in the world haven’t you done this already? Why would you want to operate from a basis of ignorance rather than knowledge?

88. HSV2+ May 26th 2009 at 03:57 am 88

    Hi guys, good too find a website where these issues can be discussed openly. Coming from the opposite side of the fence, I was diagnosed with herpes 2 days ago.

    I am struggling at the moment to deal with the news and can’t seem to think about anything else at the moment. I cannot be sure from whom I contracted the virus, as I have antibodies in my blood I must of had it for a while. I have never had any symptoms and have never been blood tested specifically for herpes until my test last week. I have been relatively careful with using protection apart from partners who I trusted, although never demanded to see tests. (who can you trust I suppose), nevertheless the research does state that you can still contract the virus when wearing a condom.

    I am currently seeing an amazing girl (have been for about 3 weeks) and we have a lot of fun together. Now that I have this condition I have no idea how I’m going to break it to her, the worst part of it is she is only 21 and I work with her too. I never thought I would be on the receiving end of an sti, but I am so afraid that she will run for the hills that I don’t know what to do. I haven’t left the house since I found out, and I don’t think I can emotionally deal with the conversation face to face at the moment, simply because I haven’t quite sorted my head out myself.
    I am frightened that she may have contracted it first and foremost, as we were quite drunk one night and didn’t use protection (which I know was irresponsible), although she may have also given it to me. I don’t know what I am asking of you guys just need someone to talk to really.

    I spoke to my doctor to see if I could get suppressive therapy just so that I could add that to the conversation to alleviate some anxiety (for myself and her) but I live in NZ which only has 1 antiviral available and I don;t qualify since I don’t have symptoms.

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a silver lining in this situation.

    Sorry for the long winded stream of consciousness rant, just stressed and alone.
    Thanks

89. Karl R May 26th 2009 at 07:01 am 89

    HSV2+ said: (#88)
    “I was diagnosed with herpes 2 days ago.”
    “I have no idea how I’m going to break it to her,”

    I would recommend breaking the news to her sooner instead of later. If you wait, you will also need to explain to her why you waited so long to tell her.

    “I am so afraid that she will run for the hills”

    That’s possible. She’ll be scared, upset, angry … and she might never want to see you again.

    “she is only 21 and I work with her too.”

    So there’s a small possibility that your coworkers will find out.

    The worst-case scenario sucks … but you can survive all the consequences. You can’t control what she does; you can only control what you do. And the only ethical course of action here is for you to let her know what’s going on.

90. HSV2+ May 27th 2009 at 08:46 pm 90

    Thanks Karl R, broke the news the best I could.
    She totally understands which is obviously not what I was expecting. Guess I just worked myself up a bit too much.

    Smiling again now.

91. Sarah Jun 30th 2009 at 01:13 pm 91

    I was raped four years ago and contracted herpes type 1. Since then I have been married…I told him while we were still dating and way before we were sexually active. Later on in our marriage he began an affair with my so called best friend and told me he didn’t love me anymore. Now, I am not divorced from him yet but we are separated and I have begun a relationship with a great guy…right now we only talk and things like that…we talk seriously about having a future together…(we knew eachother before me and Chris were married…we know eachother well or we wouldn’t be talking marriage so soon…and won’t be getting married soon lol). He is a virgin…saving himself for marriage, as I had planned on as well….he knows that I was raped but I have never mentioned having herpes…and I am scared to. I am terrified to. I pray that telling him is not what brings him to a final decision. It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him. But we’ve decided we can get around that fact. But what if when I tell him I have herpes he turns away from me…even though I contracted it from a guy that raped me. How do I deal with this?!

92. Karl R Jun 30th 2009 at 02:17 pm 92

    Sarah said: (#91)
    “what if when I tell him I have herpes he turns away from me…even though I contracted it from a guy that raped me.”

    Then you know he’s an insensitive and uncompassionate bastard.

    “How do I deal with this?!”
    Explain the situation to him. HSV-1 is the type that causes cold sores. It can be transmitted by kissing. The vast majority of the population has it.

    So you explain the situation to him in as factual of a manner as you can.

    “It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him.”

    This raises all sorts of red flags for me. I can understand religious beliefs that state that you should save yourself for marriage. You did that (not counting circumstances outside your control).

    It seems extremely narcissistic if he has an issue with you not being a virgin for him. If that is the case, it seems like he is more focused on himself than you.

93. Michael Jul 1st 2009 at 07:42 am 93

    It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him.
    Not too hard, otherwise he would not be with you.
    HSV-1 is the type that causes cold sores. It can be transmitted by kissing.
    So abstinence is not effective against preventing herpes.

94. Anon Male Aug 21st 2009 at 03:34 am 94

    I have had herpes for about 2.5 years now and cannot bring myself to tell anyone about it. I feel ashamed and scared at the thought of not being able to tell my girlfriend, who loves me wholeheartedly. I think I could have passed it on to her too. Emotionally I have become trapped. I’m torn between the two sides of good and evil. My future really does seem limited now, and I do not think I could ever sum up the courage to tell anyone. I thought I could carry on just sleeping around, protected of course, but soon realized that the need to be loved cannot be erased.

    When I first found out I had genital herpes I was thrown into complete disarray. I could not cope with all the stress it had suddenly brought me, and I ended up losing the job I loved as the signs of stress grew ever more visible. My boss at the time knew there was something bothering me and began probing me. I wanted to tell him, as things said would have been held confidentially, but I could not. The thought of my boss knowing this personal, shameful, embarrassing truth about me simply ate me up inside, and although he said everything would be confidential, how could I believe him? Thus he concluded I was just an unreliable employee and subsequently I was sacked.

    Since then I have coped relatively okay and am working again. The problem for me is that I am a good looking guy who attracts a lot of girls on a regular basis. There was a time when I felt I’d been blessed, but now with this condition it is hard to feel that way. The more attention from girls I receive, the more I am reminded of my fated truth and the more I feel a sense of loneliness. Until now I have not faced up properly to this condition, but i hope in the near future I can even more.

    I don’t want to be lonely and I don’t want to give this virus to anybody either. With that said, I do not know what life entails for me. I don’t think I can truly be happy anymore. Sometimes I think of retreating to the Lord for help but am afraid I will not get the solution to the problem I am looking for, thus taking away the little faith in God that I have left…

95. Tired of This Aug 21st 2009 at 02:35 pm 95

    Anon: yes, you should tell your girlfriend. Now. And she has a right to be pissed off and hurt because you didn’t tell her sooner but rather chose to expose her to H without her consent.

    BUT (and this is a big but!) Herpes is NOT a death sentence; it is not even a serious medical condition in the vast majority of people who have it. It is basically a glorified skin rash and I wish people would stop blowing it out of proportion. Also, genital herpes is no worse than oral herpes, but many in the Western world make it out to be simply because of outdated puritanical sexual mores that view anything “genital” as bad.

    If you tell someone you have it and they don’t want to take the mild chance of contracting a skin rash while sleeping with you, they are doing you a favor. You deserve to be with people who value everything you have to offer and who don’t view all that as outweighed by a freaking rash!

    The brits tend to view this more rationally than the yanks: http://www.herpes.org.uk/

96. Michael Aug 21st 2009 at 06:58 pm 96

    Virgins can get herpes.

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