How Do I Get My Ex Back?

How Do I Get My Ex Back

Currently I am “friends” with my daughter’s mother. We tried to make things work for years but with a bad past and doubts, we ended up being friends with benefits until we find someone else. The problem is I am in love with her and I want her to commit. I have searched for weeks and found how to get your ex back, how to use the no-contact steps, however, they don’t leave me with a plan or advice for a guy who is currently friends with benefits with his daughter’s mom. They all start out saying no contact, then working on you, and then re igniting the spark. Ok I get it, but this is a whole different animal. We have great sex and have a kid together. I feel like I’ve become a doormat and I see advice to fix that too, but with my situation, how do I do that when I see her all the time and our daughter is used to seeing us as “friends”. How can I get her to commit without pushing her away? She has suggested that if I can’t handle it then we will just be amicable and move on. Obviously I become desperate not to lose her and I try to force myself to be a friend and just hook up. I need advice on how to use these other steps I found and incorporate them or new ideas into my situation. I don’t want to be an asshole and I don’t want us to hate each other and ruin being friends for our daughter, but I do want more. So I must find a way to maneuver these skills in a way that will get her to want me and become the man again in the relationship. Please help.

Eric

Aw, Eric.

Didn’t anyone tell you that “get your ex back” products are bullshit?

Didn’t anyone tell you that they’re making money based on your deepest needs and insecurities?

Didn’t anyone tell you that the people who write those books are rarely experts or coaches, but rather internet marketers who pay attention to Google searches and noticed that there are lots of people wondering how to get their exes back?

Evidently not.

It doesn’t matter what YOU want. She doesn’t want YOU.

Listen, man. I have nothing but sympathy for you. I’ve been in your shoes – a number of times.

What you can’t see – through the haze of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones that you call “love” – is that this ship has SAILED.

She’s already made up her mind. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. She’s told you so. She’s laid out the terms. “Friend me. Fuck me. Don’t commit to me.”

And, because it takes two to tango, you have only one choice: accept her terms.

All this stuff about how to “maneuver” your new found “get your ex back skills” in a way that will “get her to want me”?

Sorry, bud. You’re spinning your wheels. You’re wasting your time.

It doesn’t matter what YOU want. She doesn’t want YOU.

What you can’t see – through the haze of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones that you call “love” – is that this ship has SAILED.

In time, you will come to realize that this is a good thing. That she’s a flawed human being. That she’s not appreciative of your good qualities. That you deserve a woman who is excited about you and treats you like gold. This is not that time.

This is, however, the time where you get grabbed by your lapels and shaken hard.

It’s over. Be an amicable ex. Be a good dad. End this charade of trying to charm her, win her over, convince her of your worthiness.

It’s not only unbecoming, but it’s a big waste of your time, too.

And if you’re a woman who has similar designs on getting your ex back, please click here.

You may want to shoot the messenger now, but you’ll thank me later.

Join our conversation (39 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Christine

    I think a better question for this post is “why do I want to get my ex back?” He doesn’t say exactly what has changed to make them more compatible now, after they weren’t able to make things work in all the years they were together. I’m not even sure that what he really feels for her is true “love” so to speak.  It feels more like he’s seeking some kind of validation from her, than a truly compatible match.

    Well, he does need to maintain a civil relationship with her, to do what’s best for their daughter.  However, I also hope he drops all this wasted effort on trying to win her back.  He probably won’t be able to regain her love, but he can at least regain his self-respect.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      I love this post because it just echo’s what I have come to realize long ago from viewing this site.

       

      That about 90% of the bad things people say “all” men or women do, is really just bad things all people do.

       

      He wants love and commitment NOT just sex, while she wants the benefits of unattached sex and the freedom to date others.

    2. 1.2
      Caroline

      I agree Christine-the bigger question is why he wants her back. One of the men I work with has consistently asked me why I don’t get back with my ex. I think it stems from the fact I try to speak positively of him. I try to concentrate on what he is contributing to the well being of our sons instead of the negativity slapping me upside my head on a near daily basis. He’s a broken man recovering from alcoholism, whatever he can contribute positively to our sons is a good thing:)  But honestly, you couldn’t get me to touch him with a ten foot pole and I know it’s best not just for my own welfare but fir my sons also.

      1. 1.2.1
        SMC

        Caroline, I couldn’t agree with you more.  I’m amicable with my ex too, but there’s no way I would EVER want to get back with him, though he’s been making those kinds of noises ever since the split.  He (also a recovering alcoholic) left me in a fit of anger, expecting I would beg him back (it happened once before, right after the wedding), but that was my opening to close the door forever, and I have firmly kept some distance between us ever since.

        As for the woman in this post, I have to say at least she is being honest to her ex.  Eric says: She has suggested that if I can’t handle it then we will just be amicable and move on.   Does it get any plainer than that? He is choosing to not listen to her.  Evan has told us women over and over and over that if a guy tells you that, HE MEANS IT.  Well, she can’t be saying it any plainer than what she’s said, and he’s just not taking no for an answer.  Eric, take no for an answer and move on.

    3. 1.3
      Karmic Equation

      I agree with your assessment, Christine.

      I am curious on who did the breaking up the first time. Him or her? If HE did, then his need to make her commit could be grounded in the fact that she has made it clear she’s moved on and his male ego can’t handle that a woman he broke up with isn’t pining for him.

      If SHE broke up with him, then he was probably never on board with the breakup in the first place. And it’s possible that a new beau in her present is making him nuts.

      In either case, it sounds like Eric either always has been or has morphed into the “one down” in the relationship – read “The Passion Trap” by Dean Delis – and is trying to regain equality.

      Sad to say, I believe once a woman has moved on emotionally from a man, particularly if she can sleep with him and doesn’t want commitment from him, even when he’s offering it, then she’s not interested anymore.

      Eric,

      Take Evan’s advice and stop the wishful thinking. Do the no contact for the express purpose of healing yourself and moving on. You deserve to find someone who WANTS your commitment and the love that goes with it. I know that going no contact with her will be difficult as you have a daughter with her, but limit yourself to polite conversation with the mother and work hard on developing a network of friends and activities you can can indulge in to break your dependence on this woman for connection. You need to find something and someone else to connect with.

      Volunteer doing something that is near and dear to your heart. You need to distract yourself from her while you’re healing.

      Good luck.

      1. 1.3.1
        Adrian

        Karmic Equation,

         

        One word explains why Evan’s and your suggestion will not work.

         

        SEX!

         

        He is single, not talking to any other women, while getting “good”  sex regularly from the ex, a woman who he is in love with.

         

        I know you are not a fan of the oxytocin effects of sex, but I think Eric is a prime example.

         

        Something about his letter gives me the impression that she was always the alpha in the relationship. Maybe she just tried to make it work because of their child, maybe his insecurities drove her away, I don’t know. He said a bad past and doubts, doubts are the trade mark signs of insecure men, who end up driving the attraction women had for them away.

         

        His actions of searching the internet for weeks and even paying to get her back tells me that the relationship was probably always one where he wanted her more than she wanted him. He did not write Evan on advice concerning the one sided relationship, he wrote Evan for advice on how to make getting her back work!

         

        I think the reason everyone is questioning his motives is because Eric’s and his ex roles are reversed in the gender dynamic. I think people expect this kind of letter for a woman, not a man. I’m not saying men don’t feel this, I am just saying like with male sexual harassment from women or male rape from a women, though it happens, it is not talked about much, so most people can’t really comprehend it.

        1. KK

          I noticed the “bad pasts and doubts” comment too and since he was so vague, I’m wondering if there was something HE did in the past that has caused her to want to move on. Just a theory, of course. Most women would want to be in a relationship with the father of their child. The fact that she doesn’t makes me wonder if she has a legitimate reason (other than feelings) as to why she doesn’t want a relationship with him. If so, my advice to Eric would be different than if she simply isn’t feeling it for him any longer; especially since they have a child together.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Hi Adrian,

          From what I’ve read, testosterone in men counter the effects of oxytocin. So while women would be inundated with the effects of oxytocin, men would only experience a small fraction of it. That said, it’s conceivable that Eric and FWB has had enough sex in the past several years for Eric to be as affected by it as a woman would be.

          I agree that Eric sounds beta. And that may be the primary reason the ex doesn’t want him any more.

          And if that IS the case, and SHE is secure, when Eric moves on, she’ll be happy for him. However, if SHE is also insecure (though alpha in their relationship) — as soon as Eric tries to move on, she’ll up the intensity and/or frequency of the sex.

          So, it probably behooves Eric to try his best to move on. Either way, he’ll reap the benefits of that decision, for his self-esteem (if/when he moves on in a healthy way and she encourages him benevolently to do so) or for more/better sex in the short term when she tries to keep him on her hook (if she’s insecure).

          Ultimately, though, if Eric truly wants to be in a loving, romantic relationship with someone who values him, he needs to man up and move on and say “no” to sex if she offers it to him, because he needs to break the oxytocin habit he’s developed from their sexual relationship.

           

        3. Adrian

          I forgot to mention about her willingness to date other men while having regular sex with her ex says a lot about her as well.

           

          Most women know when a man has feelings for them, in fact, she even tells him that if he can’t handle it, she will cut him off. I’m not saying this to paint her as a bad person, I’m just using this to further my opinion that from the start, she was never really into the letter writer in my opinion.

           

          I think, she is okay with just getting her sexual needs met because he is giving her safe sex (safe as in , she knows that he is clean since they have been having sex together for years, and safe because she knows that Eric is not seeing anyone else.), while she still gets to shop around for a guy she really wants.

           

          The fact that he has stronger feelings for her than she has for him, does not bother her. Most people would cut the ex off, because “most” people don’t like stringing others along, or letting a person who they know they don’t want, fall deeper in love with them.

          Again, I’m not saying she is a bad person or that she has done anything wrong.

        4. Karmic Equation

          Well, there is always the possibility that the woman is having pity sex with OP. As in she doesn’t hate him, but she doesn’t love him, and the sex is good, so she’s doing what he wants because she doesn’t want to hurt him more than she already has.

          It’ll all come out in the wash if Eric ends the sex and the pulls back from the emotional/psychological aspects of the relationship and puts it on a less intimate level.

          If she lets him go and encourages him to find a new relationship, then her reasons for staying in this non-relationship is benevolent. However, if she tries to rehook him when he tries to move on, then I’d say her reasons were more self-serving than benevolent.

    4. 1.4
      KK

      You’re nicer than me, Adrian. I AM judging her for “the willingness to date other men while having sex with him”. If children weren’t involved, it would be trashy behavior at best, but considering there is a child involved, it is downright selfish on her part. That child is going to be very confused.

      1. 1.4.1
        Adrian

        KK,

         

        You have a great point about the child becoming unwilling involved in this mess that the parents created.

         

        I love these letters, but I hate how one sided they are. Knowing both sides makes a huge difference in our opinions and answers.

         

        Anyway, the only reason that I give her the benefit of a doubt, is because 1). He admits that they are good friends. Assuming that he is a good judge of character, this tells me that she is a good person

        2). He admits that they both decided (though I think she decided and he had to accept of lose her) to date other people. So she gave him an out from the emotional torture, he chose to jump into and stay in the fire.

        3). She told him to stop having sex with her if he can’t handle it. She is NOT forcing him to stay. He did not say she belittled or shamed him, she just told him to find someone better if he doesn’t like what she is willing to give

        4). Like Evan, does when he gives advice, putting himself in the other persons shoes, I also am putting myself in his and her shoes, which is why I think she is alpha. I think she doesn’t want him. I think he is “maybe” beta or a nice guy,

        but I don’t think she is a bad person, I think she just found a loop hole for sex.

         

        Aren’t women always saying that they want sex as much as men but there are too many negative consequences?!! She has found the loop hole. She gets to have as much “good” sex as she wants, without being labeled a slut, or whore. She doesn’t have to risk being exposed to STDs and if she gets an unwanted pregnancy, she doesn’t have to worry about the father disappearing, because the letter writer has already proven that he is a good father, plus, she gets to date and have sex with other men.

        1. KK

          “She gets to have as much “good” sex as she wants, without being labeled a slut, or whore. She doesn’t have to risk being exposed to STDs and if she gets an unwanted pregnancy, she doesn’t have to worry about the father disappearing, because the letter writer has already proven that he is a good father, plus, she gets to date and have sex with other men.”

          Re-read your first and last sentence. I’m not sure what you’re definition of slut is but I think having sex with more than one man at a time probably fits the bill for most people. Lol. I don’t care what single, childless adults do, but I do think when a child is part of the equation, people should be very careful what they expose that child to. (And I realize we’re getting a little off topic). If I had to make a guess, I’d bet he is staying the night and they are acting like a family when together. What happens when new guys start staying over? And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she has no intention of having new men stay over. So, eventually daddy isn’t staying the night but Rob and Bob are coming by for dinner. I just think it has to be a very confusing situation for a child.

        2. Adrian

          KK,

           

          I debated about explaining the last sentence or not, because I am trying my hardest not to be like Obsidian and take up half the page with one comment.

          …   …   …

          What I meant was, in my opinion, she will probably dump the letter writer once she becomes serious with the new guy. She may have sex with him once or twice more a week or two before she has an actual commitment from the new guy, but I doubt she will just keep sleeping with both men (my opinion, I can’t back it up).

           

          I won’t call her a slut, because I will not call a guy who does it a slut. To me, if two adults who are not in committed relationships want to have sex, they can. I think the wrong only comes in when the person has a partner whom they are cheating on, or they lied to one of the people they are sleeping with saying they are not sleeping with any one else. So, though I personally WOULDN’T do it; if a woman or man had sex with guy/girl #1 at 6 pm, than drove over to guy/girl #2 to have sex at 8pm, I still would not call them a whore or slut.

           

          Neither is married and neither has a boyfriend or girlfriend. Just like Evan advices most online daters to talk to at least 3 other people offline and at least 9 online, because people disappear so fast in online dating. This is still something I personally struggle with. I like giving my heart to one person and focusing my attention on one person, but if a woman whom I am not dating admits that she is talking to 6 other guys, I won’t be justified accusing her of being a tease, whore, or liar.

           

          What I do 100% agree with you on is the confusion it may cause the child, though I am careful with such statements. No one should stop living just because they have children.

          …   …   …

          I really debated adding this part… but what the hell.

           

          I think if she did sleep with both of them at the same time, as long as she has not committed to either of them, then she is not a slut.

           

          Again not because I endorse such behavior, but because I try my hardest not to judge anyone unless they are doing evil. A woman having sex with a different guy every night is not a slut, she just is a woman who has values different than mine, but my monogamy belief’s don’t’ make me superior to her.

        3. KK

          “No one should stop living just because they have children”.

           

          Agreed. But… HOW you go about living makes a difference.

           

          In your opinion is there a difference between a mom that has different men staying the night with a child in the home any different than a mom who waits until an appropriate time to introduce the child to a man she’s committed to and doesn’t allow him to stay the night when the child is home?

        4. Tom10

          “A woman having sex with a different guy every night is not a slut”
           
          Lol. So what is a slut Adrian?

        5. Adrian

          KK,

           

          Two different subjects:

          1). A woman having the right not to be slut shamed for enjoying sex outside of a relationship, or with multiple partners.

          2). A woman allowing her child to see different men come and go from her bed room.

           

          I think you are merging the two arguments, but I am not. I think a woman should not allow #2, but I think a mom is still a good mom if she choses to have sex with multiple partners, as long as the child doesn’t see it. Are you okay with her having sex when the child is with his dad on the weekends?

           

          You are condemning women who sleep around morally, I am saying that as an adult, women should not be shamed for not conforming to societies forced constraints on them. If a man did it, maybe “some” women would call him a slut, but most “people” would say he is just being a man, they don’t like it, but they don’t make him feel ashamed for having sex with multiple women who he is not committed to. This is what I am focusing on.

           

          If a woman is practicing safe sex, and the child doesn’t see the guys, why is she a slut for admitting that she enjoys sex with different partners? Why are women only allowed to have sex in a relationship, but men aren’t? This may not be what you think KK, but this is the general view held by society.

           

          All, I’m saying is that a woman with a child, having sex with multiple men or a man she is not dating, does not make her a slut or bad mother, again assuming the child is not being exposed.

          …   …   …

          Most of the viewers on this site are like me and you, we all want love and a lasting committed relationship. So again, I am not advocating sleeping around. But if we are all going to get angry at fat shaming, or old shaming, or height shaming, than why not stop slut shaming?

        6. KK

          “If a woman is practicing safe sex, and the child doesn’t see the guys, why is she a slut for admitting that she enjoys sex with different partners? Why are women only allowed to have sex in a relationship, but men aren’t? This may not be what you think KK, but this is the general view held by society”.

           

          I don’t agree that this is the general view held by society. Women have always been held to a higher standard. Casual sex affects women negatively. We weren’t made to behave that way. Emotionally healthy women don’t sleep around. Emotionally healthy people don’t have relationships that overlap. Don’t believe me? How many letters do you think Evan gets from heartbroken women who have slept with a guy before there was a commitment and then she’s devastated that he dumped her? As a woman, how many phone calls do you think I’ve gotten from friends crying over some guy who used them for sex and them dumped them? Look, I’m not slut shaming anyone, although I think that is one of the stupidest phrases our society has coined in recent years.

           

          And kudos to you for not judging a woman who is sleeping with her ex and dating other men. But… Most men would not be interested in that set up unless they were just looking for casual sex themselves. I can’t imagine many guys being okay with a woman who is still sleeping with her ex if they want to pursue a relationship with her.

           

          And, to your other point about putting the two issues together regarding motherhood and sex life; yes, I do put them together because morality is all encompassing. Either you have morals or you don’t. From what I’ve seen around me, the divorced / single moms who sleep around do in fact live that lifestyle right in front of their children. That, in my opinion, is wrong.

      2. 1.4.2
        SMC

        KK and Adrian,

        If you flip the situation and have the woman writing this letter because the man wants uncommitted sex from her but nothing more, yet she wants him back in this needy, desperate fashion, then you have the all-too-common scenario that Evan deals with on a daily basis.  Why are we judging the woman so harshly when she’s been up front to him about where he stands with her?  Why is it different when the woman wants just the sex instead of the man?  I’m not saying it’s right, but it sounds pretty honest to me.  She has told him pretty clearly that they’re NOT getting back, and if he can’t handle it they’ll just be friends w/o the “benefits.”  Right or wrong, it’s at least honest. Would we be judging so much if it were a guy saying it?

        And yes, it’s sad that children are caught in the crossfire.  To me, this relationship keeps the small flame alive in them that maybe one day their parents might get back together, so it’s deceitful to the children to let it go on.  But she’s not being deceitful to HIM.  I’m just not sure why she’s the wrong doer here.

        1. SMC

          Adrian,

          After re-reading your comments, I do believe we are on the same track, so please disregard my question above.  What’s good for the goose (uncommitted sex) should be good for the gander, ESPECIALLY in this so-called enlightened age.

        2. Christine

          Well, I’m not sure that this woman is the “bad” guy per se, nor how much that really matters in the end.  Even if she’s a good person, she’d still the wrong one for him since she doesn’t love him.

          I also do have to give her some credit for her honesty, at least.  At least she doesn’t dangle false hope of a commitment in front of him, to try to keep the sex going for as long as possible (as I had men do to me).

           

        3. Adrian

          SMC and Christine,

           

          Just because I don’t agree with her (or him actually), does not mean that I should allow myself to condemn her actions, assuming they don’t hurt the child of course.

           

          What right do I have to tell anyone what is and is not whorish in her own personal life or bed room.

           

          For me, one of the hardest lessons I had to learn about dating, was not to get angry over what I felt was fair or morally right, I had to stop thinking I was better than another and I had to understand that different does not equate better.

           

          Who the Hell am I to call another human a slut? Am I that pure? Can I say I’m her moral superior?

           

          This was my only point in my argument, and I am glad that we can all agree that both parents should consider the child.

        4. SMC

          Adrian, I agree.  I often wish we could hear back from the person about whom the original posts are written to see what action(s) they’ve taken, if any.  I’d like to hear from Eric if he’s reassessed his situation and to get his take on what’s been written here.

        5. Christine

          Adrian I agree.  Since she doesn’t love him, she is definitely not the right partner for Eric–but that doesn’t necessarily make her a “bad” person either.  Being a good person, and being a good partner for someone specifically, aren’t always one and the same.  I dated a lot of guys before who would have made lousy partners for me, but really don’t think of them as “bad” people either, in some objective sense.

          Her willingness to let Eric go makes Eric’s reaction even more baffling.  She’s left the door open for him if he wants to get out of this emotional roller coaster–all he needs to do is walk through it to the other side.  I understand that it’s not easy to just shut your emotions off.  I’ve been there, in being emotionally attached to men who didn’t want to commit to me.  But the only thing that worked was leaving them and moving on, to open myself up to a better partner.

           

  2. 2
    Lucy

    As someone who strongly wishes to be back with their ex boyfriend, I would suggest you move on and live your life. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago and I decided to cut him off completely. It hurts me because I want him back but I figured out my self respect and dignity is more important that being his FWB. Thus, I would suggest you keep minimal contact with her unless it has anything to do with your child and move on with your life. It will be tough but it’s better than being someone’s play thing. If she wants you back in her life, she will let you know, in the time being have some self respect and move on.

  3. 3
    Shannon

    Things sometimes are different when marriage and children are involved.  I dont have a chemical attraction to my ex-husband, the thought of being physical w him is actually kind of icky (I would NEVER tell him that – lol), but, there is something about being part of a family that is somehow bigger and its almost an organic entity – its hard to express in words :). I feel really really good when my ex and my kids and myself are all together – it feels like things are whole and meant to be.  I feel a strong pull towards family that I’ve never been able to fully shake :). I think that having a relationship w an ex that is also parent to your kids has a whole other level of meaning that is more than chemistry.  Although, for the man asking the question, chemistry is obviously a big part of the equation :).

    1. 3.1
      Caroline

      Something else I realized after I posted was the fact that the biological parents were most likely having sex in the family home while the child was asleep? That may be stretching assumptions but? It doesn’t say how old the daughter is in the post. My sons were 11 and 20 when we divorced. Although they both voiced “it was about time you guys split”. My oldest asked me not to change my last name back. He wanted us to all have our “family” name.

      I’d hate to have a friends with benefits situation with parents confuse this child’s sense of what family is and threaten her security when they do end it. How on earth would you explain that to a child?

      1. 3.1.1
        KK

        I totally agree, Caroline. I hope this guy’s first concern becomes his child and how to navigate his role as her father, whether he remains “friends” with the mom or not.

  4. 4
    SparklingEmerald

    Eric – I found this blog when I was surfing the internet for “get your ex back” products, and Evan is right, they are nothing but BS.  There is no magic phrase that is guaranteed to get someone back, or any of the other nonsense they peddle.

    The only good thing that came from these nonsense products was they made me so angry that I started thinking  “Why should I kiss his royal a$$ after he treated me like $#i t ” ? and then the answer came to me, to stop kissing his sorry a$$ and find someone who would treat me well.

    It took a while, but that’s exactly what I did.

    I know it’s hard, especially when you have a family together.  I couldn’t and to this day still can’t go 100% no contact, because we do have a son together.  Although our son is grown, there are times that we both end up in the same place for important events in his life.

    It was even harder for me, because once upon a time, we were very happy together.  (I’m not sure if you two were ever happy, your letter doesn’t seem to indicate one way or another)

    But once you let go and limit contact to whatever is necessary for your child, the sooner  you can get the whole package of a GOOD relationship and good sex.

    Good luck to you.

     

  5. 5
    One

    Evan, you said: ” you deserve a woman who is excited about you and treats you like gold.”

    However, the OP didn’t provide enough information for us to know whether his ex’s decision to not want to be in a committed relationship with him makes sense.

    We’re all flawed human beings just like the OP and his ex.  But, for all we know, he was a total jerk to her–a jerk who was good enough in bed for her to want to continue to sleep with him but nothing more.

    He may not be a beta male at all but just a man–beta, alpha or somewhere in between–who wants what he can’t have and doesn’t know how to treat a woman when she does want to be with him.

    Of course, this may not be true either. But, without hearing what’s going on from her side, all we know is that, according to the OP, he wants a type of relationship that his ex does not want–not with him at least.

    So, while I agree with those who say he needs to move on, I’d add that he needs to be brutally honest with himself and ask the hard question:

    What did he do to wind up in this situation in the first place? Whether this question leads him to decide that he’s been a doormat or a total asshole, the power to create change in his relationships lies within him.

    Also, I don’t see anywhere in the OP’s post where he says his ex says she plans on sleeping with lots of men as some commenters have insinuated. According to him, she is willing to sleep with him until she finds someone she wants to commit to. That’s very different than just sleeping around for the sake of doing so.

    1. 5.1
      Christine

      That’s a good question, and I think it’s an important one, so he can learn from this and avoid repeating it.  I’m not completely sure how he got himself into this, because it’s unusual.  The people I know, who break up with someone, don’t keep sleeping with that ex.  Some of them (after a long cooling off period) are able to be friends with an ex–but just friends, without benefits.

      The “friends with benefits” situations I know of, personally, are between people who were never romantically involved with each other.  I actually have seen it work with no hard feelings, but both sides were on board with it and neither person wanted more.

      Well, reading between the lines, I’m just guessing that perhaps Eric has weak boundaries–which is why he ostensibly just keeps going along with her terms even at the expense of his own needs.

    2. 5.2
      Adrian

      One,

       

      The original poster did NOT say that his ex plans to sleep around, what he said was that she wants them to be friends with benefits “until one of them finds someone else.”

       

      The discussion about the subject of sleeping around was hypothetical. It actually had little to do with her and more to do with the subject of sex, morality, freedom of choice, hypocrisy of how men and women are viewed differently for doing or wanting the same things, impacts on children of dating singles, and differentiating personal values vs. universal values

  6. 6
    Amy

    They are “EX’s” and “Y’s” for a reason. “Ex”, exit out of your life for good and “Y” as in WHY on earth did I waste my time in the first place!

  7. 7
    N

    How do you get your ex back?

    You don’t.

  8. 8
    Shaukat

    @Eric

    Yeah man, listen to EMK or the other commentators here and either accept her terms as final or cut off all contact. Having just recently gone through the process (against my better judgement and all the logic in my bones) of trying to convince a girl I was crazy about and dating for just under two months to give things another shot after she called it quits, I can assure you that nothing will come from trying to “win” someone back, aside from a heavily bruised ego and eroded self-esteem.

    And that’s to say nothing of the fact that whatever value you still have in her eyes will immediately evaporate. I know it’s hard when the chemistry is strong, but since you’re clearly not happy with just the sex I suggest you immediately terminate all contact and then erase every trace of her from your phone and home, and then start going on dates with other people immediately to take your mind of it.

  9. 9
    Shaukat

    Also, alcohol really helps. Kidding. But if you feel like contacting her, grab a beer with a buddy instead.

    1. 9.1
      Christine

      I’m glad you’re kidding, since alcohol has led to many a drunk text to an ex! 🙂 Luckily I never did that myself, but I’ve received some weird drunk texts before from exes that made me wonder WTF? I hope that buddy would NOT let Eric send her any texts after that beer!  That should be a motto, friends don’t let friends drunk text!

  10. 10
    Clare

    I predict this post will attract a lot of comments and touch a lot of raw nerves.

     

    Kudos to Evan for giving this guy tough love and a reality check, rather than any false hope at all. I remember my own experience like this so clearly. It was also a dating coach, who has become a dear friend, who had patiently listened to me whining about this guy for nearly 2 years. And she finally said probably a slightly harsher version of what Evan said in this reply. I was so shocked that it snapped me out of it instantly, and I immediately instituted no contact for a while and started healing, REALLY healing. It was painful, but nowhere near as painful as hanging on in vain for years pining and trying.

     

    He now has no real emotional hold over me. I have moved on and I can see him or not see him now and it makes very little difference to me. We’re friends but the spell is totally broken, and that’s a cool feeling.

     

    Eric, there are much better days and better relationships ahead of you. I promise.

  11. 11
    GL

    It’s not worth it. Getting your ex back is like the movie  “Groundhog Day. ” The same thing happens over and over. Cut your losses, take what you’ve learned and move on. If you do have to see if there’s unfinished business, be honest. Communicate clearly. See what they do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *