Why (Some) Women Might Consider Settling

Why (Some) Women Might Consider Settling
I got an email from my sister the other day. She was forwarding an article written by Lori Gottlieb for The Atlantic, called “Marry Him – The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”. Actually, that’s not quite right. In fact, she was forwarding me a link to a gossip site called Jezebel, which was ripping the author for even posing the notion that settling was a reasonable idea. So first I read the criticism, then I read the article, then I read a post-article interview with Gottlieb, and then I watched Gottlieb defend herself on The Today Show.

It was very clear that Gottlieb was onto a hot-button issue. But why was she getting attacked from all angles? Why the seething vitriol at a single mother who suggests that it might be wiser to compromise at age 34 than to continue searching through a thinning talent pool at age 40? It was clear to me that the messenger was being shot for carrying a controversial message. But it wasn’t fully clear why. So I started talking with the very people who were upset about this piece – single women, 35-45. My clients.

They told me that the piece was offensive.

They told me that it speaks more about the author than it does of them.

They told me they were very happy being single and would sooner die alone than settle.

They told me that it’s unfair to single out women for “settling”. What about men?

Now, to be clear, I am very sympathetic to the plight of women looking for love. No, I’m not a woman, which inherently limits my understanding, but I am a dating coach who listens to the fears and complaints of women every single day. You’d be hard pressed to find a man more attuned to the frustrations of single women than I am. Yet from a coldly logical standpoint, I found Gottlieb’s argument virtually unassailable.

She didn’t say settling was ideal. She wasn’t saying that you should “settle” to the point that you’re miserable. She wasn’t saying that you couldn’t possibly be happy alone. She even admits that “talking about settling in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable”. So what was she saying? To paraphrase:

If you DO want that traditional American dream of husband + house + kids who look like you, then your odds of achieving it are greater if you “settle” in your early 30’s.

If you want to have your own biological children with a quality man, your options are considerably greater when you’re 32 than when you’re 42. And if that’s the case, it might behoove you to settle for a “good” guy when you’re younger, rather than hold out for an ideal guy when there are fewer quality options available.

I’m not sure what there is to argue with. I mean, you can make the argument that you’re perfectly happy being single. Great. Stay single. You can make the argument that you’d be suicidal if you were to marry the “wrong” guy. Certainly, you shouldn’t marry under those circumstances. But if you DO want that traditional American dream of husband + house + kids who look like you, then your odds of achieving it are greater if you “settle” in your early 30’s.

Here’s why:…

1) If a tall, dark and handsome 40-year-old man with a six-figure income and great family values is on the hunt for a wife, he is most likely is going to be attracted to someone younger. Wait, don’t shoot! I’ve got an older girlfriend, and have long advocated for the wisdom and experience of thirtysomethings over twentysomethings. But youth and beauty have always been coveted by men, and wishing it away doesn’t change a thing.

2) If a tall, dark and handsome 40-year-old man with a six-figure income and great family values wants to be the biological father to his own children, he is mostly likely going to be searching for someone younger. It makes perfect sense. He doesn’t want to have to rush the relationship, much less get engaged, married, and pregnant in a year. Thus, all things remaining equal, most 40-year-old men with a choice will choose to date a woman younger than 35. It buys them time. Time that 35-40 year-old women don’t have IF they want their own biological children.

If a tall, dark and handsome 40-year-old man with a six-figure income and great family values wants to be the biological father to his own children, he is mostly likely going to be searching for someone younger.

And that’s the caveat that I need to emphasize more than Gottlieb did in her article. If you don’t want children, you’ve got no reason to settle. If you already have children, you’ve got no reason to settle. If you’re fine adopting children, you’ve got no reason to settle. But if you want to have your own kids, you have a far better pool of male applicants at age 30 than you do at age 40. It’s not that it’s impossible. Women in their late 30’s and early 40’s fall in love, get married, and get pregnant all the time. It’s just more difficult, that’s all.

Which is why this should not be taken as a judgment against women over 35. It’s merely an observation about the dating preferences of men. It’s not like women don’t know this. If they weren’t fully aware that men discriminated by age, they wouldn’t be lowering their ages to 29, 34, and 39 on dating sites across America. And what these women have surely realized – what they voice to me on the phone daily – is that the quality of their suitors is abysmal.

Are all the good ones taken? Not quite. But here’s a lot of what you’re going to get as a 40-year-old woman on Match.com: Commitmentphobes. Players. Financially unstable guys. Unattractive guys. Socially awkward guys. Much younger guys. Much older guys. Look in your in-box. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know….

So where are the tall, dark and handsome 40-year-old men with six-figure incomes and great family values? Searching for women 25-35, that’s where. And while some of those 25-35 women are getting married to these guys, many others are holding out for better men –younger, richer, cuter, smarter. Are they wrong for doing so? Hell, no. They’re following their hearts. They know what they’re worth. They WILL. NOT. SETTLE. In the meantime, they focus on their careers, their friends, their travel, and their homes, because that’s more rewarding than the tedious, maddening process that is dating. But occasionally, as these women near 40, things begin to shift. They find themselves lonely at holidays, or fed up with weddings, or feeling a biological pull that can’t be ignored. So, once again, they decide to gamely search for Mr. Right. But who’s left to choose from? Mostly (not exclusively), a parade of the “wrong” men on Match.com.

Given all that, I find it hard to disagree with Gottlieb’s assertion that, for women who want their own kids, it may be a better long-term decision to snap up Mr. Good Enough at 32 than to hope for Mr. Perfect at 42.

It sure ain’t romantic, but it is practical. People hate practical.

It sure ain’t romantic, but it is practical. People hate practical.

You may be reading this and getting upset. Maybe you’re upset at me for my take on this. Maybe you’re upset with Gottlieb for perpetuating the myth that women need men. Maybe you’re upset with men for wanting younger women. But mostly, I think what is most upsetting is that the article challenges our worldview that we can have it all without having to compromise. And the fact that a few people seem to have it all makes it all the more tantalizing. But when the high wears off – and, oh, it does – what do those people have left? Ask any older married couple. They’ll tell you about the virtues that have kept them together for forty years. Friendship. Loyalty. Patience. Values. Compromise.

So why do we single people so arrogantly insist that our elders have got it wrong? And if you’d rather be alone than compromise, why get so upset that other people like Lori Gottlieb have a different point of view?

 

 

 

Click here to read more:

Lori Gottlieb’s Article in the Atlantic: “Marry Him”

Jezebel’s criticism of Gottlieb

Lori Gottlieb defending her article on The Today Show.

 

1
0

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (268 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 181
    JerseyGirl

    “try asking women that are not as “sexy.” Good looking women always have boyfriends, some women have a waiting line of guys. Until you get good at meeting, then, go for what you want.”
    Yes. Please use the less attractive women to “play” with insincerely while you practice for the “hot” woman you think you deserve. Then hop on this blog and complain about how women like men with money. Because it’s okay for you to use women but it’s not okay for women to use you.

  2. 182
    Gabriel

    And alot of women take out their “angst” on lesser attractive men as well.
    I find it disconcerting that many of you antagonize and subsequently dehumanize men when many of us are stuck in the same boat.
    I’ll give you a clue as to the central nucleus of your relationship problems:  It’s YOU.  Many of you (won’t mention any names) purposely maintain an unrealistic criteria in the arena of looks, status, etc. so you WON’T have to deal with members of the opposite sex.
    We call this a “defense mechanism.”  Boo, hoo, hoo.  Sympathy called; he just dived out the window.
    There ya go.  Secrets out.  You don’t have to pay me for my earth-shattering psychological theories; this one is on the house.

  3. 183
    m

    @ Mike –
     
    If she is frequently expressing herself with such hostility, and over inconsequential things, she is a nag.”
    What is it about what she says, in the instance in the example, that you perceive as “hostile?
    What is something about which she might be upset that you would perceive as “inconsequential”?

  4. 184
    suzy

    When I was 28 I was dating a 40 year old man – very attractive, fit, very successful, wealthy – ran his own large business – a major “catch”. I left him because he was NOT a catch, not at all – he was driven, narcissistic and unable to love. I do not envy the women he has moved onto.

    Now I am 31 and dating a guy who is 32. He is not an alpha male, when I first met him I wasn’t sure that I fancied him, he is not wealthy at all. You know what, I’ve had doubts, but what I am starting to learn, is that with this man I feel safe, loved, supported. My life is full of affection. My partner is very social and gregarious, attentive, practically and emotionally supportive, my life feels SO much easier. He is devoted to me, faithful, and clearly loves me. Sometimes I dream of and yearn for grand passion (the kind I’ve had in the past with the guys who ran off and left me broken hearted). I wonder if I am ‘settling’, if I could ‘get better’. Sometimes what you need isn’t what you think you need – hence my chasing all the heartbreakers for so long. We women want so much and refuse to settle? How about letting love in from someone who truly wants to give it to you? Also, how about rather than settling, being realistic and accepting life’s limitations – most men will readily accept that they won’t get everything they dream of from a woman surely… otherwise wouldn’t they be going out with a permanently happy bisexual 25 year old who will never age!!! I’ve only just come across this site and haven’t read Evan’s book yet, but after 15 years of torment, yearning and lusting after guys I thought were ‘amazing’ I’ve accepted someone who is real and truly loves me. I’m learning a lot about really loving, we’re working on the passion side of things and I am much happier. Slowly I am starting to have moments of real joy and gratitude for what it is that I DO have, rather then demanding and complaining about what I don’t. Fourteen months in now, we met on the internet, even though we live near each other. 

  5. 185
    Sayanta

    I notice that a common theme with post-ers seems to be this: A guy (or girl) can be beautiful and sweet, but not successful and charming. Or successful, but ugly. That’s a limiting idea. I get e-mails from guys who read my profile, who say “Wait, you’re either lying about your interests, accomplishments (I don’t brag about them, but I have ‘graduate degree’ listed as education) or your looks. One guy actually said, “women are rarely both attractive and interesting!” But it seems girls are thinking the same way here…seriously? that’s so sad…

  6. 186
    Zax

    Steve – men are not more forgiving about money.  Why would you date an unemployed person & then go on to complain?  Men use money to get hot girls.  Men use money to get dependent women.  A female lawyer refusing to date a male cashier is a problem to you?  She damn well shouldn’t.  She would have nothing in common with him.  That is something you clearly don’t see.  Women who are successful & educated look for the same.  They usually aren’t looking for the hot 22 year old that men often do.  The low paid women are looking for a step up.  Case in point – how often do women marry third world men?  How many Russian/Asian male order groom sites do you see?

  7. 187
    starthrower68

    @ Sayanta #185,

    We have some pretty screwed up ideas about the world as humans, don’t we?

  8. 188
    Kurt S.

    If a woman thinks she is settling, she will eventually lose all attraction and respect for the man.  Men need to avoid women who are settling for them and try to find women who really love them.

  9. 189
    Becki S.

    I find it fascinating that people can be so offended by comments that really are not meant for them.  I was married at the ripe old age of 20, had 4 kids by the age of 29… and was divorced by 38.  I’m a partner at a CPA firm, have a comfortable life, love my 4 kids… and have prospects of grandkids.  I’m not offended by the idea of settling… because it’s not aimed at me.  I’m happy being single and will only remarry if I meet a guy that literally rocks my world… I don’t even want a mildly difficult marriage.
    However… I do have 4 kids… I would be lonely… if I didn’t have those kids.  And the idea of settling… at a younger age… to find a guy that would be “good enough”… would be wise to consider.  Would having kids be worth settling for? Well I look at my 4 kids and think…  HECK yea.  I’d even marry their dad again… just to have them… we’ve been adult enough to maintain a respect for each other just because we both love and adore the same 4 kids.  If it’s not a good marriage… bummer… but divorce is not the end of life as you know it.  It’s not fun… but it’s not disastrous either.  In my mind, disaster would be leaving this world without an heir that you loved deeply to leave all the wealth that you created in your lifetime to. Just my 2 cents…

  10. 190
    Rain

    Evan, again i could not stop reading. I went through so many emotions…the biggest one was OH GOD I JUST TURNED 36 ONE MONTH AGO…aggghhhhhhhhhh…..
    I have been obsessed with soul mate stories and finding a soul mate. I got married to a horrible man for reasons we call “passion” and divorced him for reasons such as “abusive on so many levels” I have asked everyone i had ever met about their love story since the age of ten. I had been trying to figure out for the longest time what is the best way to find your perfect partner in life. And there are only two that seemed the most logical ones…..a set up with a guy from a good family and similar backgrounds that everyone finds decent and the love grows cause of his respectful treatment. The second is friendship (which is very rare except in the movies)
    So now i am 36…passed the deadline of eligible for a good man……that is sad

  11. 191
    Karl R

    Rain said: (#190)
    “So now i am 36…passed the deadline of eligible for a good man…”

    There’s a deadline on elgibility for good men?

    One of the best (single) men I know is 52. He got divorced in his late 40s. He’s a really nice, friendly, happy guy. But he’s kind of goofy-looking, so women tend to overlook him until they get to know him.

    Rain said: (#190)
    “I had been trying to figure out for the longest time what is the best way to find your perfect partner in life. And there are only two that seemed the most logical ones…”

    Your logic seems to be limiting your options in a most illogical fashion.

    There is no one perfect soul mate. There are a small percentage of people who could be very good partners for you.

    Finding the right person boils down to three things:
    1. Be the kind of person who others would want to be in a relationship with.
    2. Meet people and get to know them.
    3. Don’t rule out a good potential partner for the wrong reasons.

    You can meet people anywhere. I ended up sitting next to a woman in a diner, struck up a conversation while we waited for our food, and ended up going on a couple dates with her. That didn’t go anywhere, but I was increasing my chances of finding a good partner by making the effort in any circumstances I found myself in.

  12. 192
    candace

    Evan is targeting towards general truths, to general ideas, of general men and women. It leaves out the fringes of the “abnormal” people that don’t quite fit into the normals. I am happy being the abnormal, but it doesn’t solve the predicament of finding a partner. Being 47, when my ex left 6 years ago to have a baby with a younger woman in the office, it became clear to me that men my age were also finding their narcisstic lives now at a point they wanted children. Men generally look for younger women anyway, so meeting men my age that aren’t looking for a woman to children with cut the chances about half. Carrying on with the tradition of men looking for younger women, that leaves me with 55-60 something year olds that are looking in the 47 year old category which i sit. However, i still play D1 competitive soccer, am a yoga instructor and a climber. Most of the “older” guys that hit on my profile can’t run up stairs. I want a guy to be able to at least keep up with me! So then i could actually look for 30 year olds like my male counterparts looking for 30 year old women, but these guys mostly see older women as a hookup for a short while, he will certainly once he hits 40 something be looking for someone younger to have kids with!
     
    So settling for what? and older man that can’t run? has no hair? generally out of shape because most of the athletic, smart, available guys are taken. Or just say to heck with it and have a multitude of affairs with younger guys?

    1. 192.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Candace, you’re not abnormal. You’re like every single client I’ve ever had.

      47 and swears she’s young for her age, but never considers that there might be a 55 year old man who’s also young for his age.

      Stay open and you’ll find love.

      But if you think that your only two choices are affairs with 30-year-olds or taking care of crippled 65-year-olds, you’re pretty much sealing your own fate.

  13. 193
    candace

    Evan, It was tongue in cheek making fun of the settling argument. and i didn’t say i was young for my age once. What i did say was that i aspire to have someone that can keep up or maybe someone for me to chase. I said the odds are lower, and no i don’t want a 30 year old or your extreme crippled 65 year old! Ha.  But the male thinking mind is always for younger women unless he has an awakened mind. There are not that many 55 year olds, yes i have dated a few 53 and 52 year olds, its the same thing. Generally have been married, not looking for someone their own age, because they think women are “old” if they are 53. its just a game, but filters on OKCupid, or match.com just filter out the untruths. What i am attempting to say is that What you say is generally true for general people. I am not a normal girl and i like it there. Not in the things i do that define who i am but who i am.
    Some guys that i have met online  include this type: the 41 year old, who puts his age as 35 because he feels old. he is divorced with 2 kids but doesn’t write any of it on there. why because he is looking for a 20 something year old that does not want either a man that old or with children. but he somehow believes that only they can understand his need to play.
    another 43 year old says he likes older women, but slowly pulled away when it came time to meet after a month romance online. probably has nothing to do with his age, but maturity.
    a 53 year old, out of a 20 year marriage wants Big Love, but it means non committal sharing, booty call with the lingo of new age mysticism.
    its turning out to be quite comical once i take the “its not personal” stuff.
    so im not asking you to solve my “problem” but admittedly say that all these theories are generally true but there is a black hole in there for the 45 to 50 year old women. The guys are just not there. Eliminate the 40 something year olds that are having kids for the first time, then the 40 year olds that are looking for younger women period, then the 40 something year olds that have checked out, the pool gets smaller and smaller in that 45-50 year old range. its just a fact of nature.
     
     

  14. 194
    Denise

    #192 and 193

    Evan is right.  If these are your beliefs, this is what you will get.  It’s as simple as that.   Change your beliefs, change what you will get.

    I don’t know how someone can tell from a profile that a man can’t run up stairs?  Most men in their 30’s and up are losing their hair–is that the criteria for a good partner?  What about you makes you ‘abnormal’?  I think if you continue to read this blog, you’ll see plenty of women in your situation and, like you, don’t have positive attitudes.  (Sorry if that’s harsh, but reading your post is defeating and feels negative.  If that’s the vibe you’re giving out to the world, either on line or out and about in life, then you will not be happy and not get good results.  In addition, men–and people in general–want to be with women who are optimistic and happy, no matter what their age or physical condition.)

    I’m 46, active, average looking and tend to attract men who are 50-51; there’s no reason that can’t happen to you.  There are ‘old’ 50-51 year olds and 50-51 year olds that are active and look their age or younger. 

    Consider doing something different to change the results you’re getting on line and your life overall, what do you  have to lose?  Consider Evan’s on line program or coaching services.  I am confident that step will expand your thinking and make you more open to all kinds of men and life in general.

  15. 195
    Denise

    #194 Candance

    Yes, the pool is smaller than when we were 20!  That doesn’t even sound like a reasonable comparison though.

    And yes, men do look for women who are younger than them–although I find this much more of a true statement on line.  ‘Cause they can filter on this factor.  Just like women have their own filters they use.  Just a reminder that on line meeting is only ONE way to connect with men.  Albeit talking to and flirting with men in person does require slightly more courage than sitting behind a computer.

    admittedly say that all these theories are generally true but there is a black hole in there for the 45 to 50 year old women. The guys are just not there.

    This is just not a true statement, I couldn’t disagree more.

    If you’re as active as you said, then you also have the ability to meet men organically.  Men who are as active as you are and of all ages.  When meeting men organically, the age factor becomes less of a issue. 

    I think you might want to look bigger picture as to YOUR part in not attracting the men you might be interested in.  As Evan points out often, we can only control ourselves, not others.  Trying to control the uncontrollable is suffering.

  16. 196
    Karl R

    candace said: (#192)
    “i still play D1 competitive soccer, am a yoga instructor and a climber. […] I want a guy to be able to at least keep up with me!”
    candace said: (#194)
    “i aspire to have someone that can keep up or maybe someone for me to chase.”

    As an active man in my early 40s, I can easily see where you’re sabotaging your own chances. You’re eliminating 98% of all possible men based on their inability to meet one of your criteria (a criterion which has minimal affect on the long-term success of a relationship), and then you’re wondering why you can’t find a quality man in the remaining 2%.

    I have never dated a woman who could keep up with me. I’ve only dated two who came close (one older, one younger). It doesn’t even make my list of important criteria. If I added it to my list of important criteria, I’d still be looking for someone to date.

    My current girlfriend is amazing, but she doesn’t keep up with me, and never will. I start out my Saturdays with back-to-back yoga classes (an advanced class followed by an intermediate class). My girlfriend sleeps in, joins me for the intermediate class, and takes breaks as necessary during the class.

    This weekend we’ll be at a dance competition. Between workshops, social dancing and competing, I’ll be dancing about 6 hours per day. My girlfriend will be dancing around half that. She doesn’t mind that I’m out dancing while she’s on the sidelines resting. I don’t mind that she’s resting while I’m out on the dance floor.

    There’s a reason why you can’t find a man who matches your activity level. Few of us are so inflexible as to limit our dating pool to women who can keep up with us. If a woman can keep up with us, that’s great. If she can’t, we’ll figure out a way to accommodate the differences.

    By rigidly holding to your desire for a man who matches your activity level, you’re eliminating most of the available men (the good ones along with the bad ones).

    As a final thought, I won’t eliminate a woman who fails to keep up with me. I will eliminate a woman who is unwilling to accommodate the differences between us.

  17. 197
    Andrea

    @candance, I think it’s also important to remember that just because you don’t get the quantity that you’d get if you were 25-30, doesn’t mean that you won’t eventually find a quality man who is a good match and fits your criteria.
    But yeah, if you decide that “all” men are this or that, you won’t invest the right amount of time and energy to finding the right one.
    It’s just a given that you might have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, and that it will maybe take longer because some people are what you describe and because you aren’t 25 (chasing younger women, living a second adolescence, too “old” for you, etc).  But some is not all…
    Maybe it would be helpful to look at things as  the glass being glass half full instead of half empty though;  you don’t have to sift through so many just inappropriate choices.  The 50 year old who is chasing a 25 year old isn’t going to be contacting you but secretly holding out hope that he’ll get 10 dates with women under 30.

  18. 198
    candace

    thanks everybody, im not complaining about my ability to attract me. i just wanted to comment on the General Truths of generality.
    All of your comments were somehow trying to change my point of view, which i think is really interesting.
    i am part scientist, part artist, and my science mind has just been paying attention. i read Evan’s book. im interested to know how the male and female mind works.
    ease up. i can and it is fair to just say that General Truths that affect more normal people are generally real, but they don’t affect everyone the same way.
    that’s all
    cheers
    c

  19. 199
    Denise

    #199 Candace

    We do get a little fiesty here don’t we :)  I’ll speak for myself, it’s because I care and want everyone to be happy!  That I can identify with your thoughts in your post, and  know from real life experience that making tweaks to beliefs and thinking make a huge difference in being happy.  (Most recently, the materials and newletters Marc provides have really helped to be much more open and not be dimissive on trivial things–Bingo!  Just met a man that I could have easily dismissed, but focused on fascinating things about him that I wanted to learn more about.) 

    When I read your original post, it sounded like you were trying to justify your ‘abnormalness’/uniqueness by what you wrote–and as Evan pointed out, your thoughts/beliefs are like most of his clients.  So whether you believe you are destined to not meet anyone suitable because the universe is against you, or you’re too good for that to happen because everyone else is below you, both points of view are not positive and certainly don’t bring anyone who thinks either way closer to what they want.  Maybe you don’t want a relationship with a mature, healthy, attractive man–although not sure why you would be on a dating website if that wasn’t the case :) 

    I don’t speak for everyone, in my opinion, we’re trying to point out  that you’re not unique to all the other 40+ plus women out there looking for a suitable partner and someone to love and accept us.  In fact, it sounds like you have a lot going for you and a lot to offer–just sounds like a ‘glass half empty’ attitude and using your ‘scientific’ mind to justify why universal/general truths don’t apply because you defy the human condition.   

    Good luck my dear!

  20. 200
    candace

    wanted to share the next phase in truth… Attitude! and after i posted this as my intro paragraph to my online profile, i am flooded with guys fessing up to lying on their profiles, but at the same time they say that i have made them laugh out loud with my humor in the trueness of what is going on. If anything, we may just need to laugh a bit more… here is the post:
     

    “Ok First: I lied on my age! Im really 28, at the bottom end of your search filter! Im sorry i just kept getting caught in the search for sexy, athletic, spiritual, yogini/climbers! so i had to change my age to 47! I also drink like a fish, like hanging out in bars, some call me a cougar, hookups are more fun than loyal relationships, i think running is a way to move if you are being chased and riding a bike is if you are too poor to afford a car! Well, now that we got that out of the way…..
    …..Where is that common place that you and i shall meet?”
     
    at the bottom of a few paragraphs that follow i tell them if they want to know the real truth to ask, or to him my journal page which gives all the stats and real truths.

  21. 201
    Denise

    #201

    I like it :)

  22. 202
    Foxx

    I found Love but he is not perfect and wants to marry me. So if we get married, does that mean that I am settling? I want a guy with a 9-5 job but he is a business man with variable hrs and travels. I want a guy with equivalent masters degree but he has a bachelors degree from a third world country. I want a guy who is already established career wise but he is just on his way to establishing and not there yet. I want a guy with the model looks but he is avergae looking with a beer gut. I want aa guy that stays on the phone with me t least 1n hr a day but he is not a good communicator. Now after listing all these wants and seeing that he cant fulfil, should I bounce or stay? No, because neither are dealbreakers nor on my priority list. I’m marrying a guy who will be  good husband and father to my kids. He is from a good home, though may not work 9-5 has a job, though may not have a masters is educated with a bachelors degree, though has a belly gut but is willing to join the gym with me to get rid of it.

    So am I settling guys? I can do better right? so you say but try being single for a long time and see how it feels. Finally someone who is ready comes to my life and me bring a virgo starts nick picking hmm the nerves right…Gotta re-evluate my priorities. I’m lucky to be wanted. Until a guy is ready, you can never make him ready so to find someone who was ready off the bat is a blessing. I feel lucky even with all the short comings that comes with it.

    Yes I said it shortcomings—Am I settling guys?

  23. 203
    james

    Evan are you gonna post anything about tracy mcmillans article why your not married?
     
    I always think about certain women i don’t like but that like me… i wonder if i got my legs chopped off in some horrific accident tomorrow… and my dating pool gets completely slashed by a HUGE percentage! Would i view the girl i turned down yesterday completely different? would my idea of love be different? more reality based? i dunno it just seems the majority of our love problems is the result of our lack of REAL problems… I spent two years of my life doing volunteer service in a third world country. And people with little or no money still got married and didn’t have all these idiotic ideas of he or she is not this or not that… their questions seemed to be Does he/she truly love me? I mean their world was hard and brutal, for both male and female and what they wanted it seemed was someone who was always going to be there, and love them. And sometimes that is all they had to offer in the first place. And the relationships a lot of the times were more loyal and genuine and fierce and passionate then what a lot of relationships here are that start with this huge premise of falling in love.
    Did they fall in love in this third world country? YES!!! but i think it was a whole lot easier too… Cause what REALLY mattered was more apparent. Maybe we are all just spoiled and have too many things to distract ourselves from the important things… including learning to love someone unconditionally… because its easier to complain or hope for a made up ideal in our heads. We have jobs, and hobbies and pleasures that can make up for the void left of not having a loving, nurturing relationship. But maybe i consider what some people do with “settling” is really just the choice to actually really LIVE! and they just come out of pretend land and stop preparing to live and actually live!! And put themselves out to a imperfect person just like themselves and make it work. And if not at the very start but somewhere in between they find reason after reason after reason why this person they married is such a wonderful person. Things they were too blind to see before hand. And sooner or later it seems in the marriages that really last and stay passionate they end up valuing what all of us should of valued in the first place! Is that the person they married loves them unconditionally and totally and with all their hearts… and it was a choice, and that made it even more beautiful… That this person could of jumped ship when things got hard, or I lost my job, or when i got sick, or gained weight or whatever! but they choose to love me anyway, and i choose to love them despite what “seemingly” went wrong. And in the so choosing… REAL LOVE was found and nourished.
    I don’t know, I want a loving real genuine relationship with a person with a good heart and that will love me just as passionately as I love her. That’s what i want… but i know for a fact i have gotten in my own way… And like Evan I’ve dated Women where our connection was POWERFUL, but in the end it blew up… It makes me wonder where was i not taught about what was really beautiful in a woman, like loyalty? kindness? thoughtfulness? patience? caring? a great mother? and just a great person overall? Where did i get the lesson that other things mattered more than these things?
    I think these things will make me happier. So if i look for these beautiful things in a woman and make them number one and everything else really low on the list  is that settling? no… but maybe to the rest of the world it is… or too a lot of us perpetual single people it might… cause what about looks? money? or whatever… what about this or that blah blah blah… I’ve been shoving the same crap reasons in my head too… But are we closer to what we REALLY want?
     
    Lets be honest some people are not really looking for loyal, or kind or patient, thoughtful people…. they may say they are but its not evident  looking at their actions… but some where deep they must be if they are on this site listening to Evan.
    Every day Evan is throwing the truth right in our faces to focus on whats most important and if we did, we probably all would be in the relationship we really want to be in.

  24. 205
    Josh

    Dating Women in “Settling Mode” is no fun. Im 34, so dating women my age is starting to become a hassle as many early dates feel like interrogations. The conversations start weighing heavily on how serious you are about marriage and family, your income /work prospects, and audaciously sometimes your past sexual history. Im trying to figure out if I even like these women while they’re already accessing my husband potential. I dont blame them for not wanting to waste their time, but it makes it unappealing to continue to go out with them.

  25. 206
    Me

    Thanks so much for helping me find a great guy.  In the past nice guys have liked me and pursued me, but I passed them by and instead looked for some crazy ideal.  I’ve finally wised up after reading your blog and thinking about the wisdom of it. Now I’m dating a really good guy who goes out of his way to do nice things. It’s so nice to be with someone that you don’t have to second guess with.

  26. 207
    David

    This is in response to Comment #22:
    Men do NOT have a biological clock in the same sense that women do. Adult men generally produce a new set of sperms every 60 days, and this continues for as long as they live, provided their testicles remain normal. While it is true that the level of testosterone falls with age, these can easily be reversed by regular exercise, good diet and acceptable body weight. If all those fail, they have access to injectable hormones. 
    Unfortunately for women, the case is not so. A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have. At birth she has thousands of eggs. At puberty (approx age 15) most of them are already lost. With each menstruation she loses 5-7 eggs (60-90 eggs/year). By age 45 or thereabout, those eggs are depleted, and she enters menopause. She will then require egg donation to have a child. Meanwhile, a 45-year old man can actually father a whole city, provided his heart can take the task, and there are enough women who agree to have kids with him. 
    Let us not make nature a politically correct, equal opportunity employer; it is not. 

  27. 208
    Gabe Asher

    Cool blog Evan. Seems nothing changes. It’s almost as if it is written out for women, and they dont’ heed it in their twenties.
    .
    If you’re here, it’s probably too late for my advice, but you can teach your daughters. Girls should grab a good guy when they are in their twenties and in the “zone”. Don’t overstay the party, it’s creepy. Grab one, and move on.
    .
    Seeing that women typically date/marry slightly older guys, when you’re 30, it’s the 40 something dudes that will be pursuing you. Those guys have kids, baggage, bellies etc. \
    .
    The 33 year old square jawed, 6ft, thick haired, hedge fund manager is not reasonable. Have you any idea how in-demand that guy is???? He’s not looking for 35 year old women, trust me. (If he’s even single. Usually by 35, the good guys are off the market, which is why you need to grab him when you are 22)

  28. 209
    Gabe Asher

    My mother always told me to NEVER date a woman who doesn’t want kids because that is a selfish woman. Makes sense. Whether you consciously recognize it or not, woman(and men) are here for ONE reason, and that’s to reporduce. Thats it! Nothing more. So for a woman to suppress such a powerful instinct, she REALLY has to be selfish.

  29. 210
    Gabe Asher

    @Karl #176 (love the numbers here, easy to refer).
    I agree #174 because there really are more high value women than men.
    Women are revered in society for their looks and youth. Men have to have so much more than looks to be considered ‘high value’. He must be handsome, good earner, tall, considerate, witty, smart, romantic, confident etc. That being said, there are attractive girls everywhere in major cities. They are a dime a dozen, and of high value. How many guys do you see fitting all the above mentioned qualities? A lot less. That puts us in high demand.
    .
    @179 Ever see the 35 single executive woman who is always yapping about how guys are intimidated by a stong/confident/career woman? (Meaning herself of course). Let you in on a guy secret ladies. Guys are not intimidated by them. We are just not ATTRACTED to them. We like shy, coy, unsure, girl next door types. You think we find Hillary Clinton hot?? Thats another reason we like very attractive women, they are the most insecure, and that is sexy to us. Hot girls are constantly nit-picking their own flaws and comparing themselves to other hot chicks. Now, the more average girls have accepted their social postition a long time ago, and are comfortable with it, and are more confident.
    .
    “A man learns to love a woman he finds attractive. A woman learns to find attractive a man that she loves”.
    –James Spader, Sex, Lies, and Videotapes
    .
    “Personality is something we can work on later. The most important thing is that she’s young and hot”
    —Some douche on Blind Date

    1. 210.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Gabe: If you’re citing Blind Date and James Spader as examples of how you think, you probably should a) keep that to yourself and b) find a new way of thinking.

      The only man who likes insecure women is an insecure man.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>