Apr10

My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!

08:37 am on Apr 10th 2008 Evan Marc Katz

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43 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

43 Responses to “My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!”

1. S Apr 10th 2008 at 11:54 am 1

   I’m also dealing with this – my boyfriend has an ex-wife with whom he has two sons. So, of course, he is tied to her and talks to her and has to deal with her. He has the kids, so it’s different that way, but he’s still tied to this woman. I don’t feel at all jealous though because it’s obvious that he likes/loves me and it’s just not a factor. It’s just life – none of us are coming to our relationships a virgin – we’re in our 30’s and there is history. Evan is right, if he isn’t still swooning over her, I’d let it go.

2. Selena Apr 10th 2008 at 12:27 pm 2

   I’ve always thought it was about the context when it comes to talking about ex’s. Early in a new relationship if someone goes on and on, in a positive, wistful way, or in a negative, bitter way it can be a red flag that-
   a) they aren’t over the person yet, or
   b) they are too immersed in the ‘baggage’ of the last relationship.
   Either way it can mean they aren’t ready for a new r’ship.

   It’s tough to try to extract mention of ex’s from conversation however, because so many of your memories are connected with them. The places you’ve gone, things you’ve done, people you’ve known. The longer the previous relationship, the more of these type memories there are. And they tend to come up naturally in conversation when you are getting to know someone new and giving them the sense of who you are, where you’ve been.

   For me, the *heavy* conversations regarding ex’s might happen after we’ve become close–not in the beginning of a new r’ship, where a certain amount of privacy should be respected. Lerene, if you think your guy talks about his ex “too” much, have you pointed that out to him? He may not even realize he’s doing it to such an extent after 5 mos.

3. sara Apr 10th 2008 at 01:44 pm 3

   my ex told me countless stories about all four LTRs he had before me. Stories about what he liked about them, didn’t like about them, trips they took and many random conversations…even stories about their sex life. He told me everything. I was never threatened about the ex’s because he wasn’t in really in contact with them and was way to focused on me for me to have any concern. They were part of his life and he was just sharing his life with me.

   I wouldn’t think its anything to worry about as long as he’s just telling random stories in the context of a larger conversation between the two of you. She may have been an important relationship for him despite the drug use. I know I’ll be talking about my last ex for years to come just because it was a huge relationship for me and a major positive impact on my life. But I am not pining away from him. Its done its over.

   You can ask your bf about it since its bothering you, but don’t harp on it or it will undermine your relationship. If he’s focused on you, you have nothing to worry about. It may be just bringing up insecurities from your past relationships.

4. Sarah G Apr 10th 2008 at 02:32 pm 4

   I’ve found that every guy I’ve gone out with has talked about his exes, and if he doesn’t that it’s a little weird — as if he never felt anything for anyone before. But there is a line, and I think it has to do with context, as most everyone so far has pointed out. I’ve gone out with too many guys who would go off on rants about their ex wives (usually there were kids involved), and say really awful things about the exes, and in general seem a little bit demented regarding their formers. It was really more than a little scary to think about being on the receiving end of THAT. And when I find that I start understanding the ex’s complaints about the guy and being more sympathetic to her than to him I know that it’s time to go. With guys who talk about their former girlfriends ad nauseum, I’ve most often thought that the guy still seemed hung up on her. In either case I think the guy is better off talking to a therapist to help him sort out his feelings. I mean, if you aren’t sharing some past relationship trauma too then there isn’t the kind of give and take that EMK describes — it might feel like he’s just taking advantage of your understanding and sympathetic self.

   Ugh. This post just reminds me how much I have hated dating divorced guys — esp. with kids — they just never seem to have it together. They just don’t seem to be present with you. Everything is at their convenience (which is very restricted) and you have to be someone they can flaunt in the face of the ex. Never again. Never never never again.

5. Sarah G Apr 10th 2008 at 04:11 pm 5

   Oh, and the post also reminds me of how much I’ve hated dating guys who were dumped by the dancer/model/investment banker of their dreams. Never again. Never never never again.

6. Hot Alpha Female Apr 10th 2008 at 08:52 pm 6

   I think evan brings up a great point. That your ex is part of your past. N that they don’t have any bearing on your current relationship.

   With that said, if he is constantly bringing her up and still talking to her .. and she is still a big part of his life .. well thats when you know that you have a problem.

   But from what it sounds like .. this doesn’t seem to be the case.

   I think that you need to be able to find the strength within yourself and know that when you boyfriend talks about his ex .. it is no reflection of how much he loves you

   Hot Alpha Female

   http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

7. Steve Apr 11th 2008 at 06:33 am 7

   Very good advice from Evan and very mature, insightful comments in this thread ( so far ).

   Lerene, if he doesn’t talk about the ex anymore than he would any other significant part of his past, go with Evan’s advice and let it roll off of you. If he is pining for her, or if he is endlessly festering over her like Sarah’s ex’s have a polite, nonthreatening talk with him about it. If he doesn’t stop consider whether or not it bothers you enough to find someone else.

   Venting to someone close is normal and healthy, yet if a person is venting ALL of the time s/he needs to improve the way they are handling a problem and should get some help if they can’t adapt well on their own.

8. dadshouse Apr 11th 2008 at 10:45 am 8

   I’m with EMK on this one – there’s nothing wrong with talking about an ex. It’s part of your history. Part of who you are. But, if someone compares their ex to you, watch out, especially if the comparison puts you down. Or, if they talk about their ex while having sex with you – run for hills!

9. downtowngal Apr 11th 2008 at 06:06 pm 9

   I dunno Evan, I totally disagree with you on this one. There’s a difference btw discussing your ex because he/she was a part of your life history and obsessing over him/her to the point where it prevents you from moving forward with relationships. If I were dating someone for 4+ months and sleeping with him the last thing I’d want to hear is him carrying on about his ex; it’s disrespectful and shows that he’s not over her. In Lerene’s case it doesn’t sound as if he’s casually bringing her up as a point of conversation.

   Lerene, one question: have you spoken to him about this? called him on it when he speaks of his ex? because if it bothers you so much you should say something. just like anything else that people write about on this blog – communicate your feelings and see how he responds…then you’ll have your answer.

10. Sarah G Apr 11th 2008 at 07:30 pm 10

    Thanks so much for the posts from the guys! Also, on a COMPLETELY

11. Sarah G Apr 11th 2008 at 07:38 pm 11

    unrelated topic (hit the send button there — oops) — I have to share my utter embarrassment about something and I don’t know where else in cyberspace to turn. So here goes. Today my boss came by to decide on a day for an upcoming office thing and my calendar was sitting right there, so I opened it up to May and she looked at the dates. No, let’s see April, she said. So I turned the page in my calendar back and there was the full month spread out — including every astrological event that seemed significant when I read it on an online astro thing my sister sent me. So there I had it written — “full moon — good for romance” — “creativity=financial reward” — “mercury + uranus = something powerful.” She didn’t say anything, but I felt like an idiot. (She picked the “creativity” day for the big work thing.) I work with very serious people, and my astrological future is just TMI there. Thank god I didn’t have my period day circled.

    Nothing to do with the post at hand. So let’s just carry on, and I’ll try to put my humiliation behind me. Thanks for listening.

12. Deathslayer Apr 12th 2008 at 04:44 am 12

    Constantly talking about an ex means that you still have some emotional attachment or bond…so, unless you have developed an indifferent technique, those bonds are gonna be hard to sever with a quick slash. How many times have guys gotten calls from women who are their exes and the women said they let a good man get away…especially if the guy stopped thinking or caring about them?

    If he’s constantly talking to the woman about his ex, is it about behavior or the drug use? If it’s the former, then talk to him, if it’s the latter, he’s worried about someone destroying themselves.

    Again I ask…is this the WORST complaint you have about a guy…everything else seems to be hunky dory…he’s taking it slow, letting you know the terms…and of course the ’sex is great’.

    So, he is still talking about the ex…has it been for a constant five-six months? Well, if he’s gonna vent, be there when it’s over IF you really care about him. Think about this, if you hade a male actor you liked and had the movies, DVDs and a fan club and you enjoyed talking about him and your man gave you the choice of your love of the actor or him, would you feel the same way you do in your letter?

    If you’d leave him for something like this, then if it your relationship was something more serious, like marriage, you’d probably falter at the vows, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.

    These days, people get divorced for not even cooking a meal right…so, why not end a relationship over something like talking about an ex?

    Deathslayer

13. downtowngal Apr 12th 2008 at 01:47 pm 13

    “Well, if he’s gonna vent, be there when it’s over IF you really care about him. ”

    huh?

    That would make her rebound girl because this guy would have been spending so much time complaiing about his ex instead of focusing on his current girlfriend. So once he’s over the ex he’ll move on to someone else and forget about the woman he took for granted while he was getting over his ex.

14. Lance Apr 14th 2008 at 07:50 pm 14

    I keep a pretty strict policy of not taking about exes very early in the relationship, basically the “courting phase” when it’s still a little iffy which way it could go. I think it just kills attraction and it seems a bit inconsiderate. Although I can think of several circumstances where a funny ex-gf story would be appropriate on date #2, so who knows.

    After the relationship is established, I think you HAVE to talk about your past relationships. It’s like talking about family. Those experiences are what define you as a partner. The last thing you want is for your gf to say, “I’m really into you but I know NOTHING about your past.” You don’t want him or her filling in the blanks.

    I like what dadshouse said, tell your stories, but don’t do comparisons. That seems to me a good rule of thumb.

15. Kat Wilder Apr 14th 2008 at 08:53 pm 15

    I guess I’d want to know what “a lot” means. Hourly? Every day? Once a week? Once a month? You have to put it in perspective; if it’s consuming a huge portion of the relationship, I’d want to check in about it, too.

    I do believe talking about former partners is a necessary and good thing, especially if your lover owns up to what he did in the relationship, good and bad (like, was he an enabler to her drug use? Good thing to know …)

    And, as others have mentioned here, how soon he started dating after that relationship would be pretty huge, too. There is a grieving process that needs to happen after a love affair ends, like a death, really.

    But Sarah G , your comments: “Ugh. This post just reminds me how much I have hated dating divorced guys — esp. with kids — they just never seem to have it together. They just don’t seem to be present with you. Everything is at their convenience (which is very restricted) and you have to be someone they can flaunt in the face of the ex. Never again. Never never never again.”

    If you’re dating a divorced dad, his kids DO have to come first, or do you want to date (and maybe marry and have kids with) a man who has kids but takes no responsibility for them and isn’t engaged and present in their life? That’s good character, right?

    It’s good you’re not going to date divorced dads anymore; they deserve better. It’s a package deal. (Can you tell I’m a divorced mom?)

16. Sara M Apr 15th 2008 at 07:18 am 16

    Two things.

    1) The post. In the beginning of my relationship with my finace he talked about all of his formers, but one in particular, a lot. I was as understanding as I could be because I get it, I do. But finally after about 6 months I just said: “You talk about X a lot. Was the relationship traumatic? Are you having a hard time letting it go?” I think he was suprised by what I said, maybe even embarrassed or offended, but I think it was good for both of us. I was able to say what I felt and he was forced to think about it a little differently. It’s been 2 years and now Ms. X doesn’t come up anymore at all. It just takes time.

    2) Sarah G.’s comment on the datebook. I say chalk that up to an embarrassing moment. Your boss has no right to judge because she was in your personal space. If she was on your Outlook calendar, well then that might be a different story.

17. Jen Apr 15th 2008 at 11:48 am 17

    …”were dumped by the dancer/model/investment banker of their dreams…” and “… if you aren’t sharing some past relationship trauma too then there isn’t the kind of give and take that EMK describes — it might feel like he’s just taking advantage of your understanding and sympathetic self.”

    I’m with you there. I have been on the receiving end of the all of the above for the past 9 months. He was dumped by the love of his life. He spent many months calling me by her name during sex (and those were the good times, at least we were having sex). He also regaled me almost nightly with running commentary on other women- past, present, and “only in your dreams, pal.” And he compares me to his ideal. Guess what, I’m not it.

    I have listened and sympathized. He is sorry. He is not over her, he can’t get that close again, etc……. By his own admission, he is unable to move on. So, he doesn’t call me “Tracy” anymore, and now we never have sex.

    I think I made a big mistake.

18. Steve Apr 15th 2008 at 04:10 pm 18

    Jen;

    Post 17. I feel like a hypocrite saying this as I have a problem with staying in bad situations too long …..BUT….why did you put up with that for 9 months? Why are you STILL putting up with it?. Do yourself a favor and move on.

19. Sarah G Apr 15th 2008 at 05:27 pm 19

    Thanks for the comments — esp. the one about the embarrassing datebook moment. Ha!!

    To Kat: I am very close to my sister, who is a divorced and dating single mom. I understand the issues involved, believe me. I adore my nephew and his well-being is first for all of us. That said, my sister does not go on and on about her ex with the guys she is dating. She has moved on. And she does not fight with him constantly over my nephew and play all sorts of manipulative games, and she does not let her ex or my nephew know anything about her current dating life. In other words, they are divorced and she is looking for a new partner and she is an excellent parent. She manages her life to accommodate her romantic relationships and her son. I cannot say the same about the two divorced dads I dated, one of whom went out of his way to flaunt me and our relationship in front of his ex AND the kids (he was extremely inappropriate in that regard, I might add). The other was, it seemed, in constant competition with his ex for the affection of their daughter and the least little thing that he might do with me (or with me and the daughter) was subject to all kinds of scrutiny and involvement and manipulation from her. And this ex boyfriend of mind seemed to be completely into the drama of it — he could have taken action to stop it, but he didn’t. He loved ranting about her and told the same stories of stuff that happened 15 years ago (“Can you believe that she…blah blah blah….”). So, in sum, if the package includes the guy and the kids, I’m all for it. I love kids. If the package includes, the guy, the kids, and the ex — you’re right. Not for me in a million years. Never again.

20. Jen Apr 16th 2008 at 06:22 am 20

    Steve-

    I’m a slow learner.

    Now we live together, and he quit his job. He is looking, sporadically.
    I have talked to him about what bothers me. I’m not a good communicator but I am trying. He is sorry, but nothing changes.

    I’m afraid I’m going to have to get ugly with him. I don’t want to.
    He has qualities I admire, which is why I can’t bring myself to kick him out, which I think is what I will have to do.

    I now believe in very long courtships, tee,hee.

21. Honey Apr 17th 2008 at 07:02 pm 21

    Oh, Jen! If this should end (and it sounds like you’re just waiting for the inevitable straw to break your back, to me) take it slow next time! I’ve been with the BF for two years and we are just now making plans to move in together. This was largely because he had things end badly with several girls he moved in with too quickly (not at once, haha) and learned his lesson. I’ve never lived with anyone but roommates so this was a fine pace for me.

22. Jeannie Apr 20th 2008 at 05:29 pm 22

    Evan, writer of 4/10 poses an interesting problem – we all have “pasts” or we haven’t really lived:-). But how does one determine when talking about a past love is normal and information sharing, and when it is a red flag that this person still has issues?

23. downtowngal Apr 21st 2008 at 06:36 pm 23

    Jeannie, I think it’s the WAY the person discusses an ex. If the ex is mentioned as part of history or if the person you’re dating is obsessing over him/her.

    Frankly I’d want to know about my guy’s dating history as it clues me in on his emotional maturity and how he’s handled past relationships. But this is the kind of discussion you have only a couple of times as you get to know each other, very different to obsessing over an ex and saying how much you miss him and how you’re afraid to move forward with the new guy because the last one hurt you so much.

    At the end of the day you have to go with your gut. And if your BF’s talking about exes bothers you, then communicate your feelings/call him on it. If he still doesn’t get it, then that’s your red flag.

24. Speaking the Same Language | Honey and Lance Apr 22nd 2008 at 12:45 pm 24

    [...] can be a sign that you’re not over the other person). However, as EMK mentions on his blog here, eventually you do have to dish the dirt. Those experiences are a huge part of what makes you, [...]

25. My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend! Apr 22nd 2008 at 09:32 pm 25

    [...] Chandrahas wrote an interesting post today on My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!…Here’s a quick excerpt:I am dating this guy I really like. We have been dating since November of last year. We both believe in being up-front about things so he made it a point to tell me he wanted to take it slow… [[ This is a content summary only. … [...]

26. LuvMyPrez May 9th 2008 at 10:02 am 26

    I got my boyfriend to stop talking about his Ex after I gave him butt sex. He did stop coming around after that though.

27. hunter May 11th 2008 at 08:22 pm 27

    to luvmyprez,

    that is some bizarre behaviour…..hmmhh…

28. pericles Jun 1st 2008 at 07:22 pm 28

    I have to wonder if this is largely a function of maturity. The desire to talk about your past a lot, more than once a month, let’s say, stems from a variety of factors. One: you’re not particularly interested in your present, and whether you realise it or not, you’re comparing the present moment to the past and finding that there’s something missing from the now you had then–this is a negative comparison, usually. Another might be, you’re damned glad you’re no longer in your past, and you’re reminding the new person how wonderful they are (this is the only valid reason to bring up an ex, by the way). Another might be that you’re still fairly immature, and allow others, and your experiences with them, to define you. In this case, by talking about these other people a fair amount, what you’d be telling me is that you are carrying them around with you internally, like shadows or ghosts of the former you, and you’re unwilling to let go of the former you.

    In any of these instances, try living in the now. You’ll find you need to discuss people from your past less and less. Doesn’t mean you forget them; you just won’t need them so much. Developing a very strong sense of self helps too. You find yourself talking about others less, and living your life more.

29. P Jul 15th 2008 at 09:52 am 29

    I have read the earlier comments, and I both agree and disagree with Evan’s advice. We all have pasts, and it is important for our partners to understand our background, and our significant relationships, in order to understand us. We also want to be able to connect the dots and determine how our partners arrived at the point in time in which they are with us. It may be important to listen to what may have been good or bad about the former relationships, and especially why they did not work out.

    However, if I love someone, I want to believe that my relationship with that person is unique and special. I don’t want to share it with a former boyfriend, or feel that I am replicating an experience that my partner shared earlier with someone else, or that I am being compared to another man – except favorably. And, I particularly don’t want to discuss former sexual experiences. They are not very interesting to your partner, and you risk corroding the intimacy in your current relationship.

    So, while it is important for both partners to understand one another’s relationship history, they should use discretion. Both partners also should be sensitive to one another’s feelings about discussing former relationships. Some people or events you may not mind hearing about, and others you would rather not. Is it necessary to share that you went to the same four star restaraunt with another man last year?

    You also might ask yourself why you feel the need to discuss former relationships with your current partner. Sometimes our motivations in discussing former relationships also may not be apparent to us. We could be motivated by insecurity, or a desire to mold our current relationship into something else. Also, even though an issue involving a former partner may be on your mind, it might be better to discuss it with a close friend, rather than your current partner. You may, for example, not want to share your angst about leaving an earlier relationship if that former partner is still present in your life.

    Unless the former relationship was one of the very few that was significant to me, I would rather not share details about who I dated or whether we slept together. We should be honest with our partners, but I think it also is important to make them feel secure and special. I would prefer to minimize former relationships and focus on the present and future.

30. MR Aug 11th 2008 at 12:30 pm 30

    Some excerpts from the email the EX sent to my boyfriend few months ago:

    is that i get to feeling like i miss hanging out with you and stuff… and then i feel like i’d leave justin for you if i could…but i dunno… maybe it’s just that i miss the social aspects of dating you..

31. tastycake Nov 18th 2008 at 11:40 am 31

    well, i have been dating a wonderful guy for two years. it really bothers me that he mentions his ex (only one in particular). he says that she went in this store and spent $1,000, or the last time i was here i went with her and she drove. i know he doesnt mean to upset me but its almost like she is the perfect girl….but she cheated on him. it doesnt help that her parents are rich and live at a lake house. they only dated for a month but i still wonder if he didnt get completly over her.

32. Gracetar Jan 4th 2009 at 01:13 am 32

    I agree that it is the WAY a person talks about their exes. It can be extremely flattering to hear how devestated he or she may have been at the time the relationship ended and never expected to feel the same way and yet you entered their life and not only made it all worthwhile but also grateful it never worked out. However, I found this blog after googling “boyfriend talking about exes” because 5 minutes ago I got in an argument with my boyfriend about this very topic. He is 50 and has had every type of experience and has dated every type of girl. He tells me I am the best girl he has ever known in 50 years. However, the one girl that is a “close second” is the first woman he fell in love with when he was my age (27) during law school. She turned him from a boy into a man. She was the “all-american” beauty in lawschool. I have heard the whole story seven times and counting. It is a tragic story that involves love, pregnancy, cheeting, and more love yet consistent respect and admiration to this day. I have always listened with a curious ear because I want to know him. However, he ended the conversation tonight saying, “I should call her. She always said we would end up together later in life. I still have so much respect for her. She was the prettiest girl in lawschool and she probably looks good at 50. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t have sex with a 50 year old.” that is supposed to be reassuring?Not to mention, he gave her a job at his law firm while dating another girl over 10 years ago. Are you surprised to hear that finally his girlfriend at the time had enough, broke up with him and then . . . he screwed his first love. She was deep and smart and complicated. I am surprised I don’t know her cycle by now. Bottom line, it doesn’t mattter what you say but the WAY you say it. Tonight my feelings were hurt. Word of advice to anyone discussing the past: reassure the present. Even if you think the other person has a limited perception that is rooted in ridiculous insecurity, they gave you the respect to listen at least give them the luxury of reassurance. At first I did not vent. I asked if anything was unresolved or he wished things were different. He said, “it is more philosophical than that.” When I expressed my dismay about his last words of the conversation he said he was sorry for overestimating my maturity to hear about the deepest part of his life. I am only human. A fatally flawed young woman.

33. Gracetar Jan 4th 2009 at 01:27 am 33

    I should be more honest with myself. Anytime there is an issue in a current relationship I fantasize about what could have been with my first love who I believed at certain times I would never get over. After 6 years, I am over him but I will never have the same experience with another man. Perhaps that is why I am innately on-guard about any “first love” that is truly deep and vulnerable. Once naivety is shot, the scars don’t cut the same way or in the same places in the soul after the first lasting mark. And even if I met my true soulmate – no matter how much healthier and more fulfilling that relationship may be – if I were face to face with the first love of my life I am not sure those initial feelings would not be triggered by virtue of love memory.

34. Roger Feb 21st 2009 at 11:18 pm 34

    Gracetar, the realationship your in seems in my opinion to be a dead end. Any man or woman in a relationship has to be expected to talk of past relationships as they shape us into the people we are today and to hear about them helps others understand us. However, from the incident you refer to, your boyfriend is out of line. The comment that he “wouldn’t have sex with a 50 year old” and that your “immature” indicates he doesn’t respect your feelings. Additionally, he has not moved on emotionally from that relationship, and will never truely be there for YOU.

35. Roger Feb 21st 2009 at 11:38 pm 35

    This is a very good thread; I intended to just write down my situation and found myself absorbing the words from everyone.

    My situation: I have been dating the same lady for 1 1/2 years and have a very good relationship. The only thing that is a sticking point for me is that she cannot stop talking about her ex-husband. According to all the advice in this thread, I should not feel threatened as she does not bring him up in a pinning way and it is typically just part of a conversation however, when is enough…enough? She easily brings him or a situation involving him and/or her about every other day. After about nine months I said something to her and she proceed to get very defensive to the point where she would be talking to me “I would tell you a story about that, but it involves Chris.â€� I finally told her she could talk about him, just not continually. She did talk about him much less for a while but is back to bringing him up about every two or three days. For instance, tonight we were talking about an insecure friend of mine, and she starts in with how her ex left her for a girl who was insecure in a similar way to my friend. This constant “conversationâ€� about her ex is beating me down slowly, so to all of those people saying so it is the WAY in which they talk about their ex’s I would say you can punch someone and it is one act that hurts, or you can poke someone until they are numb from it. I’d like to think I’m not insecure, but I’m growing tired of the constant stories.

36. Erika Mar 10th 2009 at 12:18 am 36

    I want to first thank everyone for their contributions- they have helped me so much. I also typed in “boyfriend talking about ex” because I am having the same problem. Some days are worse than others, and recently there was a day where he brought her up in 6 different scenarios. But, then now he hasnt talked about her in 3 days. My boyfriend is older than me (7 years, and I’m in my early 20s) and I have only had one other significant relationship, that I do not feel the need to constantly discuss.

    While some of these posts have made me realize that maybe I shouldn’t be threatened, I cannot help but be hurt everytime he brings up her name. Its like he has not gotten over it, even though its been 4 years and they havent spoken. She was his first love, and best friend prior to that, a girl he thought he could marry. While he says I’m better than her, prettier, smarter etc etc… I still feel like his heart yearns for her (which is something that is very hard to admit to myself). I haven’t really brought up to him how much it hurts me and how much I obsesses over the situation in my own mind because I dont know exactly what to say. And I feel like he wouldn’t admit to me if there were feelings still there. I just never want to be that “second best girl” or the girl he settles with because his first choice left him. However, I am frustrated because I feel like I will never find out the true answer.

    I understand and sympathize with all of those in relationships who have heard ENDLESS stories about the ex. But the true question is, when is enough? How do you know they are truly over the other person? And even if I do bring up the fact he brings her up a lot, and he cuts back talking about her, how do I know hes not constantly thinking about her to himself? I just feel like when he is talking about his past relationships he is undermining his future and present relationship with me.

37. jae Apr 12th 2009 at 02:28 pm 37

    hey lerene! i can relate to this. i was in this situation. i dont think he is over his ex. my ex talked about his ex so much that i kept asking him if he was over her and he kept saying yes. after 5 months of hearing enough bout his ex and him picking up her phone calls and bs, i asked him again. he finally told me that he wasn’t over her. that made me cry so much that i left him. all that he said from the beginning to that point, especially his fav quote, ‘if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship’, made me feel like i lost all my trust in him. i gave him all my trust. i told every little personal details of my life and my family to him and at that moment i felt like i he was the wrong person to depend on. because i didn’t have any trust in any of my friends and family because we had so many probs ourselves. i didn’t have anyone to run to and now that i had a man, i could go to him. but he crushed my world right there and then. sadly, or happily, i’m married to him now. every time i run away from him, he’d run to come get me. he says he’s very sorry for doing that and he wished he could turn time back and do everything right. i love him very much but even after being married to him, it still hurts and i still cry and we still argue. i’m a stubborn person and i hold long grudges and this is going to take a lifetime for me to trust him and get over this. it just makes me feel used and when a person makes you feel like you can put your life in their hands, you feel like you actually mean the world to them. and when they crush it, it just makes you feel like theres nothing left. yes, i regret for getting into this relationship, but then again, theres no better guy than my husband. i try to get over this because he didn’t cheat on me or anything, but it surely feels like he did. i hope you the best in everything. tk

38. jae Apr 12th 2009 at 02:38 pm 38

    oh wait, he’s not my ex. he’s currently my husband but at that time my boyfriend. and you have to ask him some time. you’re going to hurt yourself on the longrun. my husband keeps saying that its not like he cheated on me with her, but i always say, even tho he didn’t physically do anything, he thought about her all the time. and thats cheating with my heart. even tho you want to pull it off, you wont ever be able to and please dont. i know its hurting you on the inside that it seems like he only cares for her and thinking of her all the time, and all you do is put a smile on but soon you’re going to get the truth and by then you might be too close into the relationship where its hard to leave him when deep inside it might be the best thing to do. and yes it is like what you said, when is enough? he did also say that i’m the best thing that happend to him, but then his mind was always on her. settle anything down before any further plans happen. tk! keep smiling!

39. Gwenalyn Fritchel May 7th 2009 at 06:02 pm 39

    Talking about the EX’s takes up a lot of time that could and should be spent on talking about your new relationship. Most especially negativity brought into the new relationship about the EXs will eventually drag your new relationship down. If you need to talk about your EXs then hire a therapist and get over them. Otherwise, go back to the EX and hash it out and have a “Bad” time. What are you guys looking for …??? sympathy. Get over it and move on. Gwena

40. match sites Jun 2nd 2009 at 04:22 pm 40

    Lerene, if he doesn’t talk about the ex anymore than he would any other significant part of his past, go with Evan’s advice and let it roll off of you. If he is pining for her, or if he is endlessly festering over her like Sarah’s ex’s have a polite, nonthreatening talk with him about it. If he doesn’t stop consider whether or not it bothers you enough to find someone else.

41. Andrea Jun 25th 2009 at 12:28 pm 41

    I completely disagree with the advice given I had a boyfriend who constantly talked about his ex and I did what you said I ignored it I thought the same thing she is an ex and he broke up with her and next thing you know he leaves me to go back to none other than his ex so if your boyfriend is talking about his ex and if you say you don’t Like it and he doesn’t stop dump him because he is in a relationship with you not her and he shouldn’t be allowed to bring her into your relationship

42. Jessica Nov 22nd 2009 at 06:25 pm 42

    To Sarah G. Post #4

    I hear you girl…dating a divorced guy is not the best thing there is. But guess what…unless you give dating and relationships the importance they have, in your late 20´s and early 30´s, all you have left is that…divorced guys, at 40, like me. Never-married guys into their 40´s and beyond are most likely battling issues. So if you´re not in your 40’s yet, best of luck!

43. fs Dec 17th 2009 at 11:33 am 43

    my bf talk about his ex a couple of times even on our first date. at first, i hinted that I don’t want to hear about it, then I told him that he’s hurting my feeings, but he still mentions her. then I finally got mad and yelled at him. I understand whatever logical reasons it is to suck it up and not bothered by the ex talk, but I’m a person who’s feelings, I care about his feelings and tried to listen to him, I’d expect him to get a grip about it if he cares about my feelings too. It’s hard to remove “ego” from the equation, i’d question whether he’ll still get back to her if she comes around, whether I’m just a replacement he’s seeking, whether I should feel secure about his feelings to me, whether I should trust what he says.

    Evan is right in his rational analysis, but we can’t tell ourselves how we feel. It’s unfair for someone to get into new relationship before they’re totally ready. If you both want to stay in that relationship, you should talk and try your best caring about your partner’s feelings.

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