Am I Too Old to Have Success in Online Dating?

Am I Too Old to Have Success in Online Dating?

Hi Evan,

I feel like I am “aging out” of online dating. I’ve noticed after my last birthday (I turned 54 in June) that the response I get on match.com has dropped to almost nothing. It’s as though moving from the early 50s to the mid 50s is some kind of death-knell for a dating life. I initiate contact with men in an age-range of about 3 years younger up to about 8 years older than myself. The potential matches that the site sends me are age appropriate for me, but when I look at the age-range that those men desire, (usually 35-50) I often move past them, knowing I can’t compete with women in their desired range, even though many of those men are as much as 5-8 years older than me! In other words, Match.com knowingly sends me matches that are probably not realistic for me to pursue. When I have emailed some of those guys, I never hear back. I’m guessing they check out my profile, see my age, and probably read no further. Even if I am within their desired range, I still don’t get much of a response. I assume the reason for this is they can get younger women to respond to them, so why would they go for me when they have a chance with the 45 year-old version of me? If their first wife was their age, like a college sweetheart or whatever, they probably feel entitled to a newer model, so to speak. Our culture encourages this. It’s frustrating, not to mention depressing and more than a little humiliating. It’s the built-in folly of online sites: you are only defined by your age, in bold type right next to your user name.

I am a youthful, fit and free-spirited woman and to be honest, I’m not ready for the retired 65-70+ year old guys. I don’t mean those men any disrespect, I just want to date a guy closer to my age so that I have a longer future with him, and I don’t feel that I should have to apologize for that. I have taken your and others’ advice about profile writing, and I have great photos, so I feel confident that the problem is not in how I present myself. I am disinclined to lie about my age. It always comes out eventually and I’d hate to have to explain myself then. I’m not ashamed of my age and hiding it seems phony. When I meet men in person in my daily life, I get a better response because they see the whole me, hear my voice, get a sense of what I’m like, all before they know how old I am, meaning I can be defined by other qualities. It’s difficult to meet large numbers of men that way, but I’m starting to feel like my chance of making a non age-biased connection with a guy is only out in the real world. And the real-world opportunities can be few and far between. Any insight?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Older men have more options than older women (online and in real life) because they can usually date somewhat younger.

I can’t disagree with anything you’ve observed about online dating and age. I can only disagree with your ultimate conclusion.

So here are the facts:

Older men have more options than older women (online and in real life) because they can usually date somewhat younger.

Older men have a huge blind spot when it comes to age. They refuse to even consider women their own age, even if she’s fit and attractive. Worse, they’re hypocritical about it, because they don’t understand why the vast majority of younger women won’t go for them.

And yet, the fastest growing segment for online dating is the 50+ market. More unhappy couples are getting divorced when the kids leave the house. More people work from home. More people spend 10 hours a day at the office. More people have computers and are aware of someone who found love online.

We also know that dating online does not mean that you’re not dating men you meet in real life. Which is why this is not an either/or choice. If you meet a guy through friends, at the market, at a concert, great. Having a profile on Match.com isn’t going to keep you from doing that.

Most people who say they’ve taken my advice have only taken a few pieces of my advice. Which is like saying you’re going on a diet by cutting out sugar, but continuing to eat large portions of fried foods.

Now that we’ve established that online dating is a smart and necessary long-term strategy for women over 50, the question becomes, “What can you do better?”

You think you’re doing everything you can possibly do. And you may be trying your best, but you’re not truly maximizing your potential.

In all likelihood, despite your efforts, I’m betting your profile can be better, your photos can be better, your responses to men could be better, your initial emails to men could be better, and your choices in men could be better.

Are you using Reverse Match? Are you using Daily Matches? Are you adding men to your favorites list? Are you putting in a half hour a day? Are you initiating contact with at least one man a day who states that he’s open to women your age?

I don’t know the answer, but most people who say they’ve taken my advice have only taken a few pieces of my advice.

Which is like saying you’re going on a diet by cutting out sugar, but continuing to eat large portions of fried foods.

My recommendation – if you haven’t done it already – is to go through every word in Finding the One Online. It’s 7 hours/180 pages of advice that takes you through the entire process of online dating chronologically. I’m betting you can find TWENTY things you can do differently to get different results.

But don’t kid yourself.

You can’t change men.
You can’t change online dating.
You don’t have to quit online dating to meet men in real life.

All you can do is change your mindset and approach to the dating process and let the chips fall where they may.

And since I’ve helped a LOT of women over 50, I have to believe that all you can do is keep on keeping on, instead of embracing the idea that NO women over the age of 50 find partners online.

It just ain’t true.

0
1

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (127 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    Mark

    I put my age range is 35-55.  

    Of course my pics suck so I’m not getting much traffic. :(
    But I’ve gotten many compliments on my profile.

    I find that the women in my age range know what they’re looking for and have their shit together.

    That’s a turn on.

  2. 32
    Mark

    P.S. Ladies – I’m 51 and have done MUCH self reflection after ea. relationship/marriage. (Been there 2x).

    I’m always trying to figure out what she did wrong!
    haha just kidding. What I did to contribute to the failure of the relationship. 

    I’m learning and always trying to improve myself because that way not only will my future partner be happier, I’ll be happier too. 

  3. 33
    Julia

    @JB as one of the young women on here-you are right that 90% of the guys are like you. You stated above that you are 53 but lie and say your are 48…then you email girls like me, early 30s and expect a response. My dad is 54, do you think dating a man your age is appropriate for a young woman like me?

    1. 33.1
      Ted W`

      Are you saying you wouldn’t date George Cloony?
      It’s funny to watch women suddenly eager to date older men when the guy is rich and famous. 

  4. 34
    Ruby

    Joe #29
    “As far as shaving a few years off your age, think: how would you be disposed towards a man after meeting him and discovering he’d added a few inches to his height online but hadn’t mentioned this in his profile text?”
     
    Shaving a few years off one’s age doesn’t alter one’s appearance. Of course, people should always use recent photos in their profiles, although many don’t.
     
    And isn’t the PU/Game theory targeted to work on younger, less experienced  women?
     

  5. 35
    Kathleen

    Joe 

    I don’t think its a big deal shaving off a few years. I spend a couple of hours a week canoeing, as well as a couple of hours each in yoga and spinning classes a week because its fun and feels good..

    Im in better shape than 90% of the guys Ive met, who were looking for younger women by 10-20 years. None of these guys have complained about my age when Ive disclosed it.  

    Most all guys I personally know are online saying they are 10 years younger to try to get younger women. Since I know many guys add to their height I make sure I emphasize up front that Im 6 feet in heels 

    Like Ellen Im going to do what I can reasonably get away with and do whats effective. I’m going to flaunt what I still have since I don’t thing most of these guys are having that much luck with their “ideal wish list”  
     

  6. 36
    Ellen

    Michelle @30: totally agree. Men would rather watch college football week after week than spend even 10 minutes reflecting upon the demise of their marriages. lol

     
    Nathan is SPOT ON about boomer men, though I’ve met a few who were mature emotionally, reflective. A few who were respectful and not obviously old school or condescending. However, Andrew!, I totally disagree with: “Logic and reason are masculine qualities and a woman must communicate to such an audience with her profile.” I’ve met PLENTY of illogical men, plenty.

    I want to add that I agree with a poster who said women in this society are expected to be merely eye candy often, even though we supposedly won some kind of sexual revolution in the ’60s and ’70s (which the Republican Party is trying to derail as we speak). It sickens me how this dated bu*lsh*t hangs on. I mainly want to grab young women who dress like hookers and ask them why they feel the need to do this.

    I also know about Naomi Wolf and have been meaning to read her. Despite my obvious femininity I guess, I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist.  

    Also, just because I lied about my age doesn’t mean I am a bad person or prone to dishonesty. I would rate myself as fairly scrupulously honest given my spiritual beliefs which come closest to Buddhism I guess. I just saw the handwriting on the wall early…..

    But I have become so “conditioned” about how men view age that even six months into my current relationship I would remain mum on any physical complaints. To be honest, I never had many aches and pains much til I turned 59 last February. Since then I’ve had a bout with arthritis in my left thumb and a recurrence of some spinal issues which seem to have abated. For a while this summer I moved like an old woman often and that has humbled me quite a bit folks. So while I look nice, believe me, on the structural level anyway I am completely 59! lol

    But like sexism, I think we need, as a society, to rethink age. Clearly some people, whether its a combo of genes, diet, or outlook, are aging at a slower rate than others. Cell telemeres are key also (cell division)….Also, sometimes a person’s psychic energy is just incredible and they run around like a young adult 24/7. They have true joie de vivre.

    Finally, if you go this route- plastic surgery and diet and the gym- know that even that is not enough and you need to explore bioidentical hormones at some point (both me and my current bf use them, get our blood tested, etc.). The number of men using supplemental testosterone has exploded and saavy women (imo) are exploring bioidentical hormones (NOT Prempro and that horse cra*) AND testosterone as a way to slow aging. Not all women can take supplemental estrogen though…..But that’s another topic for another day.               

  7. 37
    nathan

    “Would you say the typical guy using those methods is really looking for commitment, or just some action?  I guess what I’m trying to ask is this: younger men may feel the need to get advice, but…women say they don’t want guys who are PUAs, yet the PUA advice does seem to work on them. ”
     
    Joe, from what I have seen, PUA seems to attract a variety of men. Some  are clearly interested in just sex. Some don’t know what they want. While others genuinely want a relationship, and use PUA, Game, and similar approaches primarily to increase their confidence.
     
    As for this discordance between women saying they dislike PUA, and yet it actually working – I don’t know. How much of the “working” is about being a man who is confident in himself, and how much of it is the actual tactics and approaches? 
     
     
     

  8. 38
    Karmic Equation

    @Nathan

    I’m not a man, but I can say that the confidence and the PUA tactics and approaches have to be complementary to the man.

    I’ve had a 29 yo brazenly lie about his wealth and skilz to try to pick me up. But I don’t think he took any PUA classes. LOL. He didn’t succeed.

    My current reformed-playah bf, I’d say, he possibly could have taken classes or maybe read up on some PUA tactics. He used lines and tactics that work for his looks and style. And he played me in stages and I let him chase me until I caught him ;)

    Anyway, I think it’s ok for men to use whatever tactics they need to approach and attract women. It’s no different than a woman dressing super sexy or wearing nice perfume to attract men. Looks and smell attract men. Words and actions attract women. Level playing field, imo.

  9. 39
    Michelle

    @Mark, see, there is hope!!  And you’re a Boomer :)

  10. 40
    Karmic Equation

    @Ellen

    Loved your post #8. Go get ‘em girl!

    Maybe a few disagreements with your post #36.

    “I mainly want to grab young women who dress like hookers and ask them why they feel the need to do this.”

    I think this is showing your age, Ellen. LOL… Dressy hot is actually a good thing. GOOD MEN as well as bad men are attracted to hot women. If you dress like a wall flower, you may limit your pool of men to “filter” from. Read this. I really think it’s on the money. Now if the girls are ACTING like hookers as well as dressing like them, well, they hurt no one but themselves as they’re self-limiting their LTR-ness in good men’s eyes. The playahs and jerks will still be after them, but the good men will probably stay away (there was a blog post about this, but I can’t remember where I read it).

    “Despite my obvious femininity I guess, I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist.”

    Because you believe in female power, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a feminist. Do you get insulted when a man holds the door open for you? Do you insist on paying on dates? I used to think I was a feminist until I realized I like men holding doors for me and treating me like a woman. I’m far from fragile or needing a daddy-figure, but I love the *good intentions* behind chivalry. If you love chivalry, you’re not a feminist, just a woman who believes in the power of being a woman.

    Just promise me one thing, don’t be the 63 yo who tries to pick up 30 yo’s. A 63 yo woman (killer bod for her age, but her face showed her age, due to smoking) — tried to pick up my bf. She was a catch for the 55+ and over, maybe even 50+, but trying to pick up someone 30 years her junior was, how can I say, sad and icky to observe. No dignity in that.

    Keep on keeping on!

  11. 41
    JB

    @Julia #33 Show me where I said I email anyone under my age range of 43-54? I don’t and never do. I had a couple of dates with a 40 yr.old and SHE winked at me first. I don’t email 35 yr.olds and I certainly wouldn’t expect a response. I’ve been on this blog for years….lol :-)

     I don’t and never have emailed any women as young as you or young enough to be my daughter. I’m smarter than that and I’m not interested in them. My ex girlfriend was 3 yrs older than me btw. I want a woman in my range 43-54 and I don’t think that’s crazy. Preferably old enough to have kids that don’t need baby sitters!!!

  12. 42
    Kathleen

    Karmic Equation

    Im not sure what your age is but the word “Feminism” is misunderstood by women who don’t remember times when women had fewer rights  If you read the history of feminism it had nothing to do with women objecting to having doors opened by men. I remember jobs being advertised as for men only and my mother couldn’t get those jobs Even today women earn less for the same job. 

     I didn’t catch the reference that Ellen made against women looking hot and attractive. I think you may have misunderstood that

    Ellen another GREAT post Love it!!! 

  13. 43
    Still-Looking

    Julia @ 33 –
    I’m a 50 year old man and met a wonderful 32 y.o. lady this past weekend. I didn’t hit on her – she approached me and we had a wonderful evening and met again two days later.  Yes I am old enough to be her father but that obviously didn’t bother her.
    I think some women do find older men “icky” just as I’m sure some men find it distasteful to be approached by women 20-30 years older than them.
    I date a very wide range of women and I find age to be just another factor.  I’m not nearly as concerned with a woman’s biological age as much as I’m concerned about whether our personalities mesh.  I certainly haven’t conducted any scientific studies on the issue but do find, generally speaking, that women 10 -15 years younger are much more fun, carefree, less critical, and less inclined to be pushing for a committed relationship after one or two dates.

  14. 44
    Tom10

    I find the debate correlating one’s dating age with one’s self-esteem fascinating.

    Christine 22
    “I’m 33 and feel like I’m too old for it…after seeing almost all of the men I want overlook me for women in their 20s”

    This reminds me of when I was about 14 to 19 years old. Like many (most?) young men I really struggled with women to the point of desperation, even depression. I was constantly perplexed as to the calibre of men my contemporaries chased, whilst considering nice, quiet boys (like me) as just friends. Now that I’m 29 young women approach me all the time, much to the chagrin of their male counterparts I’m sure. In retrospect I realise it was not the fault of these girls, it’s just, well, the way it is.

    The same applies to these men – it’s not really their fault why they want what they want; it’s just life.

    Joe, Nathan and Karmic re PUA
    “How much of the “working” is about being a man who is confident in himself, and how much of it is the actual tactics and approaches?

    It is obviously impossible to quantify how effectual “game theory” is, as each practitioner is inherently different with varied characteristics so we have no way to isolate the variables. However, I agree with Joe as I (without meaning to sound crass) can personally vouch for the effectiveness of ‘tactics’. As someone who always craved lots of sex, I had to learn the skills (independent of Strauss) to get some, much like one learns Italian or the guitar, i.e. through rigorous analysis and careful practice. The trick is to imply a sense of connection and consequently allow a woman make her own set of inferences; i.e. women create the illusion of a great guy themselves! Maybe the guy is great, but he’s generally just after one thing. A poor PUA will lie or brag, as lies can easily be caught out and bragging is uncouth. 

    For some reason (game), women always assume I’m innocent, deep and contemplative, whereas I’m actually shallow and fickle, and I know exactly what I’m doing.

    Ellen
    “Despite my obvious femininity…I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist”

    That’s perfectly ok; I consider myself a feminist too as I fully support the advocacy of women’s rights in relation to equality with men.

  15. 45
    Nicole

    @SJZ, you could make a drinking game out of the number of people who think they look 10 years younger than their age but think all of their peers are old farts.  Maybe all of these 50 somethings who think they pass for 35 should start their own dating website.

    Nothing can really mimic youth, esp. not next to actual youth.  I go to fitness class with loads of people who have a couple of decades on me, and who can literally run circles around me, but they do NOT look the same age or younger than me.  I think that whole “I look X” only works when people who arent’ that age aren’t around, or it’s just insincere flattery given to you by people who are your friends who want to butter you up as they hit on you.

    I think I look my age.  If you are my age and don’t look the same as me, I don’t think it is proof of anything except that we aren’t the same person.  

    And it’s kind of a bullwhip effect really, b/c if 45 years olds claim to look 35, then they’ll say the 35 year olds don’t look their age either, or else they have to admit that they are a bit deluded.

  16. 46
    K

    @nicole I was thinking the same thing.  Every single person on here (or really any blog) thinks they look good for their age or younger.  Coincidence?  Are all the people who look their age or old for their age silent?  Most people think they look above average which isn’t possible.  I think if you look great for 50 then blow all the other average 50 year olds out of the water, rather than change your age to 40 (and compete with 40 year olds who apparently look 30).  People always say I look 10 years younger, even women who are 10 years younger.  But like you said, when I was that age peoole thought I was even much younger.  I think when I was younger I thought 30 year olds and 60 year olds looked old.  As time goes by you realize those ages are not old.  If one more person post how they look wat younger I will lose it (or get a chuckle).  You likely choose to compare yourself to people who don’t look good for their age or your idea of 40/50/6 was from another generation when people weren’t as active.

  17. 47
    Mia

    As cynical  as I can get about dating,I am  absolutely amazed at the cynicism so many women here are displaying about age. If you’re attractive no one gives a shit.  if you’re average, or pudgy, it doesn’t matter if you’re 23. And given how many old or weird or unattractive people I see out there every day with a guy, none of those things will stop you from finding love. Young pretty girls have it rougher bc guys are more likely to see us as objects or string us along. Who is going to string along some old lady? A fifty some woman will get less dates but those who do ask her out will actually do so because they want to be with her, as she has no superficial qualities to distract. 

  18. 48
    Nicole

    @K, so true.  I think that the WORST judges of age are people who aren’t your peers.  If you ask a 24 year old if you “look 40″ their answer is not anything to put faith in, b/c they think 40 is like 100.  I’ve had that experience with young 20-somethings, and I just said, you should not be impressed that I’m in my 30’s and have all of my teeth (that’s not what she said but it was something along the lines of, oh wow, you look good for your age as if I was a senior citizen).  

    Also, a LOT of people think that having a small dress size makes them look young.   It doesn’t, b/c I personally associate frailty with old people.  

    And I think they need to start checking IDs at H&M and Forever 21 b/c a lot of these “I work out 7 days a week” 50 year olds just need to stop shopping in juniors just b/c they can wear those sizes.  Again, so many things signify your age that have nothing to do with how small your jeans are or or how many miles you can run, although I take my hat off to the many people who are old enough to be my parents who like I said, can beat me in a footrace and run like 10 times as far as me.  Why aren’t they happy with that?  Why keep dressing like Miley Cyrus?  

    One of my friends actually started a Happy Hour group to try to combat the number of groups we go to that have an age cap yet are overrun by these 50 year olds who think they are the young looking ones.  My friend half jokingly asked everyone, “are you in your 30’s b/c we are checking IDs”…so far, so good.  And the 30 somethings, male and female, are pretty psyched to not have to deal with getting hit on by people 20 years older than them.  clearly, everyone’s individual dating preferences are flexible, but we’ve enjoyed socializing with our true peers, and not our imagined ones…

  19. 49
    henriette

    I’m a bit taken aback by how many people admit to lying about their age.  I don’t like men who lie.  Period.  And if someone lies on his profile, it makes me believe that he is insecure, that he will probably tell me what he thinks I wish to hear about other subjects in the future and that he has a chip on his shoulder about women his own age.  *shudder* 
    I see that Evan and his wife are busy caring for their newborn son – CONGRATULATIONS! – but I hope that when he returns here in 2 weeks, Evan will comment on the subject of lying about one’s age.

  20. 50
    marymary

    Still
    It flips the other way.  I hear younger men say they prefer older women for exactly the same reason that you prefer younger women.  Younger men believe (erroneously i think) that older women are not looking for long term or marriage. How could we be. WE’RE ALMOST DEAD!
    I personally barely give a **** how old someone is though I do draw the line at the 18yo who’s had a crush on me for three years.  I know his mother (not the only reason, I jest).   I’ve sparked with men in their eighties but they were married.  I guess there are practical difficulties but I’ve seen up close and personal where the younger partner is the one who died first, or who got sick, and it’s the older one who ended up alone, or the carer.  it’s not the norm but none of is the norm.  The norm is a construct. We are all exceptional.
    I think we are less age – obsessed in the UK but we are catching up I fear. I don’t care how anyone else chooses to dress, or have their hair, or what their body shape is. I mean, my God, don’t we have better things to think about.
    We could all stand to be kinder.  We’ll all be old one day unless we die first. These people we all are laughing at. That will be us. It’s your mother, your grandfather, your great aunt. No-one chooses to get old. Compassion people!
    I see all sorts in relationships, beautiful, not so beautiful, tall, fat, thin, old, badly dressed, stylish, smart, not smart, educated, fit. rich poor.  Those things ultimately aren’t what make it work. it’s the heart, integrity, character, hope, faith of a person. That comes in all packages and all age groups. And before we atart saying he or she must be x,y,z we have to be those things ourselves.
     like attracts like. If your partners are (like mine used to be), shallow, flaky, emotionally unavailable, incapable of love, abusive, obsessed with appearance/age/status/sex, whatever, look at yourself.  It ain’t pretty but that’s where change begins.
    No. you’re not too old. Whoever you are.

  21. 51
    marymary

    Mia
    Women in their 50s get mistreated by men too. Women older than that get strung along too.  Young attractive women are not the worst off in the dating pool. That’s just ridiculous. 
    I think you need to stop blaming society, your age, and your looks, and what you perceive men to be like.
    You are carrying a whole baggage of negative beliefs with you. You need to look at where that came from.  Go back, back, way back to the beginning.
    I was subjected to physical  abuse, emotional abuse and neglect as a child. My counsellor said it was one of the worst cases he had ever heard. It was no wonder that I couldn’t form relationships as an adult. I, too, thought it might have something to do with my beauty. But, ultimately, I did not know what love was, how to give it, how to receive it. So, one jacked up relationship after another.
    I’m not saying it’s the same for you, that’s just my story.  But no way are your relationship woes down to you being pretty.

  22. 52
    Ellen

    Mia #47: Evan has a whole post entirely devoted to the beautiful woman and how she is objectified and hotly pursued. Men just want to lay her. I.e., the beautiful woman, unless she is saavy and very careful, will be hounded by many men who just want to be able to say they scored with one.

    I really don’t think women feel that way about super handsome men…..  Groupies are a whole other category though.

    TomT #10: That’s my number one complaint with men- that they are fickle and shallow. With age and changing hormones, men can become more reflective and learn what truly matters in life and cherish it. Too many just neglect their inner world/spirituality. From what I’ve seen most men don’t mellow and get truly sentimental til their fifties. They just need to feel their mortality a little, and then suddenly they prize their wives more. My Dad was like that.  

    Re age- I don’t see my age group acting like asses here. Maybe it’s a big city thing, not sure. I know older men will hit on younger girls sometimes to everyone’s discomfort probably. About the only thing I do that isn’t age appropriate is wear a miniskirt every once in a while, but I think (and ask those younger for their opinions) I can still carry it off. But read the other day even Jerry Hall, Jagger’s ex, won’t wear minis anymore ’cause she doesn’t think she has the legs for it. lol    

    But what I feel is missing with Gen Xers and the Millenials is any sense of respecting the mature man or woman. Of wanting to tap that wisdom. I think true respect for those older stopped with my generation (boomer). In my teens and early 20s most of my most influential friends were women 4-8 years older. I listened to them and learned a LOT. I just don’t see much of that anymore- everyone is too buried in their peer/race/political groups from what I’ve seen. 

  23. 53
    Katelyn

    I am surprised that someone is upset because people think they look younger, so what? It doesn’t do any harm to anyone if you think you look younger than your age.  And it is possible that thinking that way actually can make someone more youthful.

    I was one of those people earlier who said I look younger than my 61 years.  I was at a live match event last night which was very interesting.  All of the men who I spoke with or interacted with were in their early 50’s and they told me, they thought I was 50. I didn’t ask them how old they thought I was because it is a question I don’t find necessary.  One man, who was a personal trainer and competitive body builder and I spent a long time talking.  Somewhere in the conversation he said “do you mind if I ask your age” I said, “I am 61″.  He was 53.  He stared at me with his mouth open for several minutes( yes the classic jaw drop) and finally said he couldn’t believe it because he thought I was 50.  I heard repeatedly through out the rest of our long conversation, how he couldn’t believe I was 61.

    What I learn from this experience and from questions I asked about why men don’t even search in the 60 and over age range for women on match, affirmed that it might not be the best venue for me to find someone.   

    I was told that many men are responding to stereotypical thinking, that a women in her 60’s is , like MaryMary said, are almost dead.  We have to be boring, have no energy and no interest in sex.  One man felt that even if I email someone, in their 50’s, when they see my age, they might not even look at my profile.

    I don’t think those issues are limited to people in their 60’s and in fact it is a sign that someone is not taking care of themselves, physical, emotional and spiritual, that causes aging, lack of sex drive and loss of interest in life. It can happen at any age.

    I wonder what some of the other men on this thread think about what I was told about how men navigate singles sites, especially the men in their 50’s who are on Match or other singles sites.
     

  24. 54
    Fiona

    On the topic of lying about ages, I met an ex boyfriend at 33 when he was 25. He told me he was 27 and I believed him. I didn’t find out the truth until a few months later by which time I was head over heels. However, had I known the truth from the start, I would not have dated him as I already felt that a 6 year age gap was big. He lied because he thought I wouldn’t date him if I knew he was 25 but that was my prerogative. The consequences of all of this: at 35 when I was wanting to settle down and have a family, he at 27 was looking at a career change. A whole lot of pain and heartache (for me) could have been avoided by him telling the truth in the first place and leaving me free at 33 to find someone who wanted what I wanted instead of him lying about his age at first and later about his desire to marry me and have a family with me all of which kept me hanging on for longer than I should. At 37, now past the heartache of the break up, I have to deal with the heartache of being childless. In short, lying about age is unfair on the other person and I wouldn’t do it. If I told men I was 35 they would probably believe me but that would give a false and unfair impression of my fertility. I’d rather someone just accepted me as I am with the risks involved than trick them.

  25. 55
    Cat

    @Fiona – so sorry for your heartbreak. It sounds like he lied about more than just his age unfortunately. I think lying about the other things were more detrimental though in the long run..had he only lied about his age first & not about wanting to marry you & have a family, it might have still worked. You still have time to have children. Totally unfair he set you back a few years with his lying, but everything happens for a reason & the right one will come along!  Keep the faith!

  26. 56
    Kathleen

    I agree with Mia in that if you are attractive no one gives a shit.
    I just got a message this morning from a 40 year old who when I told him I was 53 basically said the same thing. 

    I never claim to look 40 , 45 , 50 … I do that best with what Ive got to look like an  attractive physical sexual woman while looking elegant. 

    I agree with Ellen that older peoples wisdom is not recognized these days I would have benefited greatly by an older woman mentor when I was in my 20s or 30s. 
    As a health care professional I had the opportunity to talk at length with a few very old people who were an unassuming wealth of knowledge. I never had much access to my grandparents and perhaps these days this is common and so older people are seen as having no value.

  27. 57
    Joe

    If being childless is such heartache, there are ways to have children that don’t involve getting married…

  28. 58
    nathan

    Fiona 54- you stayed with him almost 2 years after finding out he was two year younger than he had first stated. I don’t know how you can blame the age change for what you experienced. He could have easily wanted a career change at 29 for the same reasons, and you could easily date someone for a year or two at any age and find out you don’t want the same things. Happens all the time. 
     
    I don’t advocate lying about your age, and haven’t done it myself. But the idea that leaving a year or two off your age in either direction is some kind of terrible action is absurd. Age and maturity level are only somewhat correlated. And even with something like fertility, the difference between 35 and 37 is fairly minimal. In both cases, that window is moving towards a close, that’s all. The 35 year old might have a shorter window if other conditions aren’t optimal, while the 37 year old might have a longer window if she’s in excellent health and has a supportive genetic history.
     
    People get fixated on numbers, but the true picture is much more complicated than that. You could still be with this man and also be childless because of infertility, short term health conditions, or any number of other reasons. My point being that while age isn’t a completely arbitrary marker, it doesn’t really give anyone nearly enough information to make accurate judgments about someone.
     
    And thus you have all these quandaries about online dating. Because one of the main cut off frames is a very specific age criteria. Something that doesn’t happen when you meet someone in person. Not at first anyway. Your attraction or lack of attraction has nothing to do with the specific number. You have a ballpark figure in mind – this person is around my age – and that’s about it. There’s really nothing magical about turning 50 or turning 60, but to the computer generating lists of matches, those numbers make all the difference.

  29. 59
    JB

    Katelyn is right. I personally know a 62 yr.old woman who’s a friend of mines ex girl friend and she could easily pass for 49 or 50. She doesn’t do online dating, but let’s be realistic most men or woman aren’t in the shaving 7-10 yrs off category and are able to get away with it.  

    For the record above ^^^^ I’m 51 and only shave off 3 yrs in my profile maikng me 48. It’s really not about the 3 yrs which I’ll never change. At this point for me it’s more about WOMEN’S perception of men  “over & under 50″ that I’m  dealing with more than my own insecurity. I happily email women my own age but I also get winks and emails from 56-58 yr.old women that aren’t even feminine or youthful looking and I think to myself “really”?….LOL When I turn 53 which will make me 50 online it will stay 50! :-)

  30. 60
    Karmic Equation

    Fiona,
     
    I really like your posts and I feel for you on this. He was certainly wrong in lying to you and keeping you hanging, but you can’t be blameless as you ALWAYS had the power to walk away once you knew his age, head over heels or not. I know, this is easier said than done. But that’s the problem with us women…We don’t want to walk away because it would hurt us…and the guy wants to keep every thing the way it is because changing the status quo would hurt him. When you look at it this way, who really had the power? If you walked away, he would not have been able to keep the status quo.
     
    So when you hung in there, you ceded him the power to keep the relationship as the status quo. Having power and not exercising it (because it’s going to hurt) – is just as bad, if not worse, than biting the bullet and moving on in spite of the hurt. In the former you feel like a victim, in the latter you feel empowered. In both you are bound to be saddened.
     
    I wish you the best. My observations about isn’t meant to hurt. I just think we need to recognize the power we have and take responsibility SO THAT we know that our relationship-happiness is within our own control, and does not belong to any man. We just have to recognize, our power is to WALK AWAY. Not a great super power. But it is our power in a relationship.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>