How Do You Write An Email To Someone With Nothing Interesting in Her Profile?

My question is how do you write someone who says nothing in her profile that you can relate to as a member of your sex? Specifically, oftentimes I find profiles of women who only list feminine interests in their profiles. They talk about shopping, liking chick lit, and fashion and nothing else that I as a typical guy am going to have any interest in. I’m sure that many women encounter an equivalent problem too with mens’ profiles. Let’s say that I’m interested in a woman like this, even if she has a badly written profile, how do you advise I begin communicating with her?

John

Allow me to answer your real letter with a fake letter, okay?

Dear John,

I’m reading your profile right now. I notice you’re interested in mixed martial arts, the stock market, and golf. I notice you don’t really say much about what kind of boyfriend you’d be or how you’d like to build a life together. I don’t see anything that indicates that you’re a great communicator, or that you have a good sense of humor. In short, there’s not much for me to work with here. In fact, there’s very little to give me hope that if we were to sit across a dinner table for two hours, we would have anything in common to discuss.

What do you have to say to that?
-Mary

Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

I don’t know about you, John, but if I got that question from Mary, I’d be thinking: “Then why would you consider writing to me at all?! If you’re thinking of going out with me despite the fact that I didn’t say anything interesting, that must mean that you’re solely writing because you think I’m cute or because you think I’m rich. And frankly, I don’t want to go out with anyone who wants me exclusively for those reasons.”

I may be in the minority on that one, but that’s how I truly feel.

So allow me to ask you, point-blank, John: Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

Because she’s pretty?

Yeah, that and $.75 will buy you a Snickers bar.

I’m not picking on you, my friend – no more than I pick on all of my clients who do the same exact thing.

I’ll usually give them a homework assignment to build up their online favorites list. The following week every woman on the list looks like she’s a Maxim magazine reject. Each one is hotter and sluttier looking than the next. Same with my women clients, who often think that they should be paired with young, square-jawed, muscular cuties, regardless of whether they themselves are modelesque. Hey, we want what we want, right?

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say. Because if you do, you’re pretty much inviting yourself to spend time and money on a very boring first date. Not always. I’m sure there’s some gorgeous woman out there who wrote nothing interesting who is simply AMAZING conversation. But it would seem to me that your better bet would be in looking for the women who are 7’s in looks and 10’s in personality. That’s where you find the keepers, in my experience.

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say.

My second answer to you – the one you really want to hear – is this: use her girly details to your benefit. If she says she loves reading Martha Stewart Living, you can talk about the magazine they named after you, which teaches men how to artfully drape their underwear over the lamp without setting your house on fire. If she says she likes gardening, you can talk about how inefficient it is as a means of sustenance. After all, it took you nearly two months just to make one salad! If she says she likes shopping, you can talk about how you do, too – as long as it takes less than a half-hour and only occurs once a year. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having clothes from high school if your date’s never seen ‘em before.

This technique is known as Fun Fiction and is fully articulated and fleshed out in Volume 4 of my Finding The One Online CD series. There’s even a workbook included which shows you exactly how to do it. If you’re serious about getting results, you should give it a whirl – and at least consider the idea that the hot chick with nothing to say may not be your ideal first date.

By the way, my new Facebook Page is now up (thanks to Thomas, my stellar intern!) and I’m going to be engaging in more regular discussions on there. Just click here or on the blue Facebook icon on the right sidebar to connect with me. See you there!

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jennifer

    I’m sure there are lots of people out there who wouldn’t necessarily be a bad date or mate, but are *clueless* when it comes to what makes a good online profile.
    And I’d wager a guess that a large group of women (especially moreso than men) see online dating as just another way to be picked up, like at a bar/club- you go in and look cute and when someone talks to you, *then* you turn on the charm as it were. So they spend more time on pretty pictures and not saying anything offensive in their profile than on being interesting and trying to trade on that currency.

    Doesn’t mean they won’t end up being interesting, but it may mean they aren’t used to dating that way and putting that out there up front/right away. So thank you Evan for helping the OP out at the end :-)

    And just for clarification, I don’t necessarily advocate what I stated above, i just recognize that it probably happens a lot. All things considered if you have two profiles and one is more interesting than the other but both people are attractive, go with the more interesting one!

  2. 2
    Honey

    I could never contact someone who put only the bare minimum (or worse, spelling/grammar errors) on their profile. I’d also never agree to meet anyone who couldn’t write me an e-mail with three solid paragraphs.

    But then, I recognize this as my own personal bias. I’m a writer and that’s the main way I communicate even when I’m in the relationship, so if it’s not how the other person communicates, too, then things are going to be very rough for both of us…

    I like Evan’s fun fiction idea…you could also challenge her to write an interesting e-mail. “Tell me 3 things that are important to you that you haven’t listed in your online profile,” or something like that.
    .-= Honey’s last blog ….Hello 30! =-.

  3. 4
    Michael

    You nailed it exactly, Evan.

    I think the “browse photos, then send generic e-mail to cute women” strategy has proven for most guys to be a very low-risk gambit: he doesn’t have to do any creative writing, he can get his online dating done within minutes, and if he actually gets a positive response from that hot chick (who might not give him the time of day in “real life”), score!

    The problem is that it’s also a low-reward gambit, too, unless you’re lucky enough to find a woman who has no clue – and do you really want a clueless woman?

    Attractive women get so many responses online that you had better be unique and actually speak to her uniqueness to stand out. I had a great time when I dated online, and in hindsight that was the key.
    .-= Michael’s last blog ….Actions Do Speak Louder Than Words =-.

  4. 5
    Kathleen

    I have been a regular reader of Evan’s blog for about a year but have never posted. While in theory I generally agree with his advice wholeheartedly, I find myself in a position that he advocates and realize it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I have been dating a man for seven months that did go for me as a “7″ at best in looks (to him) and a “10″ in personality. But I am consistently reminded that I am not all that attractive to him (not as much in words as in actions or lack thereof). I am not a “10″ in looks but have dated plently of men who felt I was to them. So while picking people based on their personality and at least a mild level of attraction seems reasonable, it isn’t very good for the self-esteem of the person you caught. I also think it may well lead to straying when people think there is always something better around the corner. Just a different viewpoint on the situation. As to the OP’s question, I agree that a sense of humor goes a long way towards starting conversation and getting a women to open up and reciprocate.

  5. 6
    Steve

    How Do You Write An Email To Someone With Nothing Interesting in Her Profile?

    I don’t.

  6. 7
    Steve

    If I don’t put a description of who I am,what I like, in my profile I get flooded with nothing but emails from women who are only interested in sex with crude lines and sometimes with rude pictures attached :)

  7. 8
    Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach

    Good advice by Evan, but I also agree with Jennifer’s keen observation. I don’t see how it would necessarily hurt to contact some of these women who have not posted much on their profile, as I am sure there may be some of these hidden gems with beauty and personality out there.

    But I understand it may not be worth the time to try to find them. And then again, I have never tried on-line dating, so it would be hard for me to know :)…
    .-= Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach’s last blog ….Dating Tip For Nice Guys – Video Blog =-.

  8. 9
    Jennifer

    LOL Steve!

  9. 10
    starthrower68

    Jennifer, you laugh, but Steve’s comment is more true than you know. There are an awful lot of “bawdy” women out there these days!

    With regard to the question, a well-written profile is a necessity good looks or no. There are so many thousands of profiles to sift through, so you need to have something that sets you apart. Now, I don’t deny that the better looking people will get more looks and responses, and that’s fine, we all like attractive people. Just make sure you get a sense for other qualities so you can have a balanced impression,

  10. 11
    JuJu

    Kathleen,

    why are you still dating the guy? :-o

    And what number is he, in looks?

  11. 12
    Steve

    In Evan’s first book he wrote what I think is one of the best pieces of advice on writing online profiles: do not use general terms to describe yourself — make it specific. General terms do not separate you from anyone else.

    For example
    ” I like eating out, spending time with friends and watching movies at home”.

    Of course you do, you and 100,000 other people on match.com. Why should I invest 20 min writing you a nice email versus the other 24 attractive women within 5 miles of my house who like those same things?

    If you describe yourself in specific terms you become much more individual and *interesting*:

    “I like going to a new restaurant at least once a week. Next on my list is that new Burmese place with the pie made out of rice. I have a core group of friends who I have gone dancing with every weekend for the past year. When resting up from those things I’ve been enjoying a new collection of film noir netflix just started offering”.

  12. 13
    Steve

    @starthrower68 #10

    I can’t tell you how tired I am of women getting on the phone and only being interested in me telling them what kind of underwear I am wearing. :)

  13. 14
    Kristyn

    @ Steve
    What kind

    Jk.

  14. 15
    Kathleen

    Juju, he is good to my kids (I have three, ages 11, 13, and 18), responsible, giving, etc. So after about 7 years of bad internet dates, I guess I am kindof “betting on 20″ with him. He is probably better looking than I am overall, I would call him at least an 8. I have dated better and worse looking men, but they still made me feel attractive, desirable, etc. So while settling to some extent is logical, it sucks to know about it. This seems to be a frequent topic here, and the general consensus seems to be that our expectations are so high, we can never obtain what we want, especially as we get older, have children from a previous marriage, etc. So I know there needs to be some compromise on what I want and what a guy wants, but knowing it would take a ton of plastic surgery to be “attractive” to this guy really sucks. I also think that women in general are more willing to overlook some appearance issues and wait to see if chemistry will develop than men are. So in that regard, I disagree with Evan’s advice to go for someone who the OP views as a “7″ in looks, because there is someone out there who views that same girl as a “10″ and in the end it does the girl an injustice to settle for her when someone else would be thrilled to have her.

  15. 17
    Sally

    So, Steve….boxers? Briefs? Or Commando? :)

  16. 18
    Selena

    Re: #15

    Well put Kathleen.

  17. 19
    Carol

    You’re right as usual Evan, it’s a two way street. Since we are all cavewomen, cavemen underneath, it’s almost always the “looks” people go for even if there isn’t much substance. Guys profiles either seem to have 2 lines of nothing to go from, or a book with so many details you don’t know where to start. If only more people would get your message.

    I don’t know what “Steve” looks like but it must be good if women are saying those things, interesting he doesn’t like it, maybe he should say that in his profile. Unfortunately these women make it more difficult for other women who are looking for more than a roll in the hay.

  18. 20
    Steve

    Kristyn Aug 27th 2009 at 01:17 pm 14
    @ Steve
    What kind

    snip….

    Sally Aug 27th 2009 at 02:15 pm 17
    So, Steve.boxers? Briefs? Or Commando? :)

    This is EXACTLY what I am talking about. Ladies,… I’m more than a cute tush and boyishly handsome good looks. I have a mind, read books, think deep thoughts, etc… :)

  19. 21
    Diana

    The writer brings up two good issues ~ those who say little to nothing in their profile, and how he doesn’t feel they share any interests due to their girl talk. I can relate because I often sigh and think, “Okay, I don’t ride a Harley, shoot animals, play golf, climb mountains, or jump out of planes.” Something like that. :)

    In my own profile, I put my creative writing skills to the test. I can probably safely guarantee it’s one-of-a-kind. :) I had a blast writing it. And while staying true in sharing who I am, I also tried to see my profile from a man’s perspective, and included things that accomplished both. One thing I have learned is to write for your targeted audience. The opening sentence in your profile should also be so edgy, captivating, whatever; like the first line or paragraph in a novel, they feel compelled to keep reading. I also let the men know that I was open to and interested in new experiences and provided a few “manly” ideas.

    I have received good feedback, but the one thing about my online dating profile that drives me crazy is when it doesn’t get read because the men are too trigger happy with the winks, based on physical appearances alone! It’s not because of my writer’s ego. I really want to feel that the man contacted me because he also thinks he might like me for who I really am.

  20. 22
    Steve

    casualencounters.com/blog Aug 27th 2009 at 01:57 pm 16
    Send her a picture of your cock.

    Might as well just post it here and get the giggling over with:
    http://tinyurl.com/536nqt

  21. 23
    JuJu

    What is it with the winks? What’s the appeal? Why do people use them? More importantly, do they seriously expect a reaction to that??

    I have this male friend, and somehow the conversation once turned to this topic of women not liking winks, only he couldn’t understand why. After a lengthy explanation and an argument that ensued, he still was not convinced! How absurd is that? Here we are, I am a woman, you are a man, AND I AM TELLING YOU THAT THIS IS SOMETHING I DON’T LIKE, and yet instead of taking heed, you argue about the supposed efficiency of winks as a method of communication!

    No wonder men don’t seek dating and relationship advice even though they are obviously in greater need of it. :-|

    But yeah, I hate it, too, when my online masterpieces are not read. Usually I can tell from the message, though, and usually (usually) I do not respond to those men.

    P.S.: handsome cock, Steve. :-p

  22. 24
    starthrower68

    Diana, ok right?? I have that issue; I go to the trouble to be creative, witty, erudite, etc., and show that I’m more than just an attractive picture and with some, it’s just lost on them. But I guess those are the ones who aren’t really serious to begin with.

  23. 25
    downtowngal

    “Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?”

    Amen!

  24. 26
    starthrower68

    Steve @ #22,

    Dear god man! That thing is huge!

  25. 27
    Michael

    @Kathleen: It sounds like the real problem is his treatment of you. You shouldn’t even be aware that he sees you as a “7 at best.” The kind of relationship where he will let you know you’re inferior in his mind is an unhealthy relationship – and that WILL trickle down to your kids.

    As far as Evan being “wrong,” there are plenty of guys to whom a “7″ will still get their full affection and respect. This guy just isn’t one of them.
    .-= Michael’s last blog ….The War to Break Your Willpower =-.

  26. 28
    sophie

    Hmm, while I’m not overly fond of winks I do think there’s a case to be made for them! Sometimes I find that if a guy winks, and I don’t respond, he then sends an email. I now know that by replying “no thanks” to winks, I can cut down the volume of emails I receive and also save a guy a lot of trouble writing an email. If I wink back, it lets him know that an email will not be wasted, I am open to establishing new links!

    To begin with I did think winks were a bit of a cop out, but now I know quite how much work it is for guys to get from the “make contact” stage to the “meet up for a date” stage, I don’t actually mind them. It doesn’t necessarily mean a guy doesn’t think you’re worthy of an email, it may actually mean that he realises, due to the strength of your profile, that you are quite probably inundated with emails from men, many with great profiles, and that you might not have a lot of time to reply to emails from people you’re not interested in. I think for some men it can be a courtesy. Although for many its just laziness! Or do I have an overly optimistic view of men!!!??

  27. 29
    Angela

    Because she looks good and has the right pedigree. In any event, she may turn out to be more then expected. To me its like walking up to someone one in a club or restaurant. You use a line to capture their attention. I must admit that I do not write long emails but then I am very reactive and not proactive online. My profile is decent and has some nice lines and I do respond to winks. To me it is equivalent to a smile across the room. Easy for a guy to do and the rejection is not so hard to swallow. If I respond equally, then send the email. You have to strike a balance: those long emails make my eyes glaze over ! lol They are just too much!!! Plus so many people are different in person. How many people are funny and clever via email and dull as dirt in person. It is as if they take on another persona. After a few emails I am old fashion and talk via phone.

  28. 30
    Selena

    @ #22

    And no “shrinkage” even out in the snow! Dazzling.

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