How Do You Write An Email To Someone With Nothing Interesting in Her Profile?

My question is how do you write someone who says nothing in her profile that you can relate to as a member of your sex? Specifically, oftentimes I find profiles of women who only list feminine interests in their profiles. They talk about shopping, liking chick lit, and fashion and nothing else that I as a typical guy am going to have any interest in. I’m sure that many women encounter an equivalent problem too with mens’ profiles. Let’s say that I’m interested in a woman like this, even if she has a badly written profile, how do you advise I begin communicating with her?

John

Allow me to answer your real letter with a fake letter, okay?

Dear John,

I’m reading your profile right now. I notice you’re interested in mixed martial arts, the stock market, and golf. I notice you don’t really say much about what kind of boyfriend you’d be or how you’d like to build a life together. I don’t see anything that indicates that you’re a great communicator, or that you have a good sense of humor. In short, there’s not much for me to work with here. In fact, there’s very little to give me hope that if we were to sit across a dinner table for two hours, we would have anything in common to discuss.

What do you have to say to that?
-Mary

Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

I don’t know about you, John, but if I got that question from Mary, I’d be thinking: “Then why would you consider writing to me at all?! If you’re thinking of going out with me despite the fact that I didn’t say anything interesting, that must mean that you’re solely writing because you think I’m cute or because you think I’m rich. And frankly, I don’t want to go out with anyone who wants me exclusively for those reasons.”

I may be in the minority on that one, but that’s how I truly feel.

So allow me to ask you, point-blank, John: Why the hell would you want to go out with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you and nothing interesting to say?

Because she’s pretty?

Yeah, that and $.75 will buy you a Snickers bar.

I’m not picking on you, my friend – no more than I pick on all of my clients who do the same exact thing.

I’ll usually give them a homework assignment to build up their online favorites list. The following week every woman on the list looks like she’s a Maxim magazine reject. Each one is hotter and sluttier looking than the next. Same with my women clients, who often think that they should be paired with young, square-jawed, muscular cuties, regardless of whether they themselves are modelesque. Hey, we want what we want, right?

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say. Because if you do, you’re pretty much inviting yourself to spend time and money on a very boring first date. Not always. I’m sure there’s some gorgeous woman out there who wrote nothing interesting who is simply AMAZING conversation. But it would seem to me that your better bet would be in looking for the women who are 7’s in looks and 10’s in personality. That’s where you find the keepers, in my experience.

So my first answer to you is this: stop writing to people who have nothing to say.

My second answer to you – the one you really want to hear – is this: use her girly details to your benefit. If she says she loves reading Martha Stewart Living, you can talk about the magazine they named after you, which teaches men how to artfully drape their underwear over the lamp without setting your house on fire. If she says she likes gardening, you can talk about how inefficient it is as a means of sustenance. After all, it took you nearly two months just to make one salad! If she says she likes shopping, you can talk about how you do, too – as long as it takes less than a half-hour and only occurs once a year. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having clothes from high school if your date’s never seen ‘em before.

This technique is known as Fun Fiction and is fully articulated and fleshed out in Volume 4 of my Finding The One Online CD series. There’s even a workbook included which shows you exactly how to do it. If you’re serious about getting results, you should give it a whirl – and at least consider the idea that the hot chick with nothing to say may not be your ideal first date.

By the way, my new Facebook Page is now up (thanks to Thomas, my stellar intern!) and I’m going to be engaging in more regular discussions on there. Just click here or on the blue Facebook icon on the right sidebar to connect with me. See you there!

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Karl R

    Kathleen said: (#5)
    “I have been dating a man for seven months that did go for me as a ’7′ at best in looks (to him) and a ’10′ in personality. But I am consistently reminded that I am not all that attractive to him (not as much in words as in actions or lack thereof).”

    The big problem is that he told you this. Unless you went fishing for the information, there’s no reason to do so.

    A couple years ago I was dating a woman who (objectively) was a 4 or 5 in physical attractiveness. Subjectively I saw her as a 7. In compatability she was a 10. If it hadn’t been for one dealbreaker issue (she wanted lots of kids, I didn’t want any), I probably would have pursued marriage with her … and I would have considered myself lucky to have her.

    “So while picking people based on their personality and at least a mild level of attraction seems reasonable, it isn’t very good for the self-esteem of the person you caught.”

    It can be … but it’s a matter of presentation. Here are some of the things that I told my ex-girlfriend while dating her:
    “You are terribly cute.”
    “You are so sexy.”
    “I love watching you.”
    All of these statements were completely honest. I wanted to let her know that I was attracted to her. If my statements made her feel like a “10″, that’s wonderful.

    He sees you as a 6 or a 7 … not a problem. He makes you feel less than beautiful … big problem.

    During the past week I started dating one of my dance partners. A couple times she has mentioned that I make her feel beautiful, and that I make her feel elegant on the dance floor. I know she finds me attractive, but from the tone of her voice, I got the idea that how I make her feel about herself is more important than how attractive I am.

    It’s simple psychology. People like to feel good about themselves. They like people who make them feel good about themselves. Your boyfriend seems to be clueless on this concept.

    “I also think it may well lead to straying when people think there is always something better around the corner.”

    You’re confusing “more attractive” with “better”. I’m hoping to find someone as amazing as my ex-girlfriend. I don’t necessarily expect to find someone “better”.

  2. 62
    starthrower68

    Kristyn #60,

    You dodged a major bullet with that one. Wow, that’s the kind of stuff that you just kind of shake your head at an move on. When I run into that sort of thing, I always try to remember the following: some people are like Slinkies; not really good for much of anything, but it’s still funny to watch them fall down stairs.

  3. 63
    Selena

    #62

    LOL! That’s a cheerful way of looking at the world.

  4. 64
    mic

    Numbers game, maybe, either for having lots of casual sex or snagging an attractive woman. But for either goal it’s probably more effective to have a good presentation. The men posting hunting imagery might dimly realize they aren’t particularly good-looking or otherwise desirable and strive to be macho and interesting with those pictures. Lots of such profiles diminishes the effect, though.

    What about writing to an otherwise “uninteresting” profile with a question or comment about the photo that’s flattering without being completely shallow? “There’s not much in your profile, but you look like an attractive, interesting person. Like I am :) Please tell me more about yourself.” Whether or not you the strategy is any good, you should realize that judgments about personality are made in part from pictures.

  5. 65
    JB

    @Moon #52 you’d be surprised at the lengths women go to when a “hot guy” only winks because “he can’t afford a subscription”…wink,wink…cough.cough…lol they give their email addresses and sometimes even phone #’s just at the chance to be with the “hottie” who can only afford to wink. LOL…I’m sorry I’m not paying for subscriptions for my recon profiles….lol That’s where I draw the line. The point I’ve proven here for men is…..if your photo is “hot enough” your profile can say basically nothing and just wink and they would have plenty of phone #’s and dates without being able to afford a subscription to respond properly. Like Evan would say “who would want to go out with a guy who can’t even afford a subscription?” The answer…..if he’s hot….plenty of women….LOL

  6. 66
    Sayanta

    Kathleen-

    I was very saddened to read your post- the fact that you consider yourself lucky to be dating a man whose comments damage your self-esteem is heartbreaking. Maybe you should be single for a while and work on really feeling good about yourself and what’s possible in a relationship so you don’t keep wasting your time on a guy who has the need to always ‘remind’ you you’re a “7.” Easier said than done, but the rewards would far outweigh the initial pain.

  7. 67
    A-L

    RE: Starthrower’s #62

    LOL

  8. 68
    moon

    Hi JB,

    I must not have noticed any of these men being all that hot, or I would get out my pocketbook and surely pay their way, throw myself at them and hopefully debase myself accordingly! LOL…

    I’ve dated the hot guy in town. Really I never even noticed him though all my women friends were talking about him. Why he picked me to court I’ll never know. Actually, I do know: I wasn’t throwing myself at him…I actually did not notice him until we started dating. Annoyingly, I did find it like dating a celebrity every so often, even though we got called, “most beautiful couple,” it seemed it was all about him. Not that he gave a rat’s. Neither of us did… I like a physically attractive man but I am much more likely to notice if he picks up trash on the way to work, holds the door for the elderly and is nice to the waitstaff.

    Anyway, the sites I am on you have to pay to play, and you cannot pass info other than winks without paying. I’m no meal ticket, and have yet to see any compelling photo or profile through these, “just winking,” fellers.

    moon

  9. 69
    Selena

    @JB #64

    I think it’s funny the way you describe the attention your recon profiles get with nothing more than an attractive picture. But I’m curious, what do you do the information you gather from the recon? Is it just kind of a hobby, or what?

  10. 70
    Diana

    To JB, believe it or not, a hot-looking guy’s wink isn’t enough for me to respond to an empty profile. I’m looking for substance. ;)

  11. 71
    hunter

    Moon, some men don’t know that winking is a feminine trait…

  12. 72
    hunter

    Diana, I have heard several female interpretations of substance.

  13. 73
    Diana

    To Hunter #72, substance has numerous meanings, too. Talk about confusing! Substance to me is what you find on the inside. I am typically not one to latch on quickly to great looks, and above all, money ~ I’m independent. I have always looked more toward the makings of a person. When a friend asks me something like, “Who do I find good looking,” I really have to give it some thought. :)

  14. 74
    JB

    @Selena #69 …..lol no pun intended. The main thing with recon profiles is that you learn so much more about what really goes on by being a few types of people and watching how both men & women react to just “viewing” someone’s profile,making someone a “favorite” or actually “winking” at someone (with a “hot recon”)who already told the real you they had “met someone and wanted to see what develops” and watch how that suddenly becomes irrelevant to them as they give the hottie their phone # after not even 1 email exchange.
    How women will throw out their height ,weight,and monetary qualifications not to mention geographical ones when a hot guy shows interest. It’s all very interesting and enlightening as well informative. On the flipside by having an attractive woman recon profile shows me exactly what every goofball man does with their horrible profiles,with dead animal pics,shirts off by their car etc…… as well as the ridiculous winking bullshit that most of them do….lol Clueless & delusional most men online are…lol
    Having recon profiles is not a hobby no more than being on this blog is. It’s just for personal knowledge. I do ok with MY own profile,probably better than alot of guys but then again I have alot of knowledge….and being that I’m only a “5″ or a “6″ I need every advantage… ;-)

    Good for you Diana for not being interested in a hot guys empty profile. I applaud you and wish more were like you. But he wouldn’t even have time to notice because he would be so busy I can assure you. He’d be exhausted & broke …..LOL

  15. 75
    starthrower68

    I had an IM conversation that didn’t like the fact my definition of fun was not a hook-up. When I told him that, he couldn’t get out of there fast enough, lol!!!! I belive what Evan says about guys pushing a woman for sex, and then when she does it, they reject her for being too easy. So I figure I might as well just get it over with immediately and be rejected for not doing it. Not that I’m trying to stir up that debate, I just think the guys reaction was funny. He’s a Slinky….

  16. 76
    Diana

    JB, ha ha! Yes, I’m sure the super lookers are faaar too busy to notice my lack at attention. :) Most people are average looking. Then again, it’s the ones who ignore your super looks that sometimes get your attention, too.

  17. 77
    Honey

    Do women have “recon” profiles? I have heard numerous guys talk about this and never heard of a woman who had one. It seems a little strange to me…why go out of your way to obtain knowledge that is likely only to be a self-esteem killer?

    Not to mention, no wonder the e-mail response rate is so low, if every guy out there has his “real” profile, his “recon/hot guy” profile, and his “female recon” profile!

  18. 78
    Ruby

    JB #74
    Wow, so women go for hot guys! They can be just as superficial as men? What a revelation!
    Do you enjoy having your face rubbed in the fact that you’re not a “hot guy”? Why not just go after the ones who ARE interested and forget those who aren’t? What is the benefit for anyone to doing this? Surely you must have better things to do…
    Yet another reason to not respond to winks. I’ve found that the only people who wink at me aren’t right for me anyway. The ones who might be actually have something meaningful to say and are capable of expressing it.

  19. 79
    Ruby

    Kathleen #15
    “knowing it would take a ton of plastic surgery to be attractive to this guy really sucks”
    Wow, sounds like this guy is making you feel like you have to be some image of perfection. Is he that superficial, especially after a year of dating? Doesn’t sound great for your self-esteem.

  20. 80
    JB

    No Ruby,it has nothing to do with getting anything “rubbed” in my face. I was a musician in the 80′s and I was a “hot guy” so I have some frame of reference of beeing treated as a sex object……lol poor baby..lol Darn I miss those days…and I do go after some of the ones who ARE interested and date them. The recon thing takes very little time or effort.

    And yes Diana most people are average looking but I’ve found that average looking women don’t respond to average looking men because they don’t THINK they’re average….lol That’s why just like the men do women that are 3′s wink at men that are 9′s.

  21. 81
    Diana

    JB, I wouldn’t know about that, since I’m definitely not a 3. ;) Does that mean I really AM a 3? No. [lol] All kidding aside, I married someone who was considered average looking, a geek, as society would label him. He never quite understood or accepted that someone like myself, considered above-average would pick someone like him. In my eyes, I saw so much more than he and others did. He shared with me more than once that he never felt worthy of me. Honestly, I have little tolerance for all this scaling/rating, based on appearance.

  22. 82
    Ruby

    JB #80
    “The recon thing takes very little time or effort.”
    Given how long it takes to post even a rudimentary profile and post a photo, I find that hard to believe. Even an hour seems too long to spend. I just don’t get what someone stands to gain by this sort of trickery. Sounds very cynical. If you expect the worst, isn’t that what you get?

  23. 83
    Steve

    @JB #74
    The “recon profile” thing sounds interesting. I could see the author of an online dating book doing that to get some entertaining and useful material, but what is the point for “civilian”.
    If someone is not interested, they are……not interested. Best to let it roll off of you and move on.

  24. 84
    Steve

    @Evan
    Nice editing extension for the comments!

  25. 85
    hunter

    Diana, I remember having a girlfriend saying, she didn’t feel worthy of me. I used to ask myself, what that meant….

  26. 86
    Steve

    @moon post #43
    Hunting and fishing is a turnoff to me too. If a woman mentions either in her profile I move on immediately.

  27. 87
    hunter

    Tomboys do have a hard time finding a partner.

  28. 88
    JB

    Obviously as usual we’ve gotten way off topic….lol I’m not going to argue the value of recon profiles. Everyone gains knowledge anyway they can. For you women, just once to see things from the guys perspective so you might understand what the men who email you go through on a daily basis. Put up an “average Joe” profile (minus the dead animal and shirtless shots of course…lol)and watch what DOES’NT happen…LOL You’d quit online dating real fast.

    Anyway the question of “How do you write an email to someone with nothing interesting in HER profile? I simply wrote her a response that took about 30 seconds. She wrote back and told me she’d never done this before and that’s why her profile was so short but she liked what I said. She continued to write a few nice coherent intelligent emails back & forth. We met for a pizza and have been dating for 7 weeks and having fun. She’s not stupid,or unattractive yadda,yadda,yadda. She’s a bit cautious after being new but believe me 100′s of women that are a lot worse than her never responded to me. So like most men online we can only date the ones that show interest and want to date US. So that’s what we do !

  29. 89
    hunter

    JB, my applause….

  30. 90
    Steve

    @hunter post #87Skipping the profiles of women who hunt and fish has nothing to do with them possibly doing tomboys.  It has everything to with their being enough needless killing and cruelty in this world without people doing it as a hobby.   There are a number of other ways to “connect with nature”.   I don’t need to spend my time with a woman who can’t see that.  No disrespect to anyone.

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