What It’s Like to Be a Woman In Online Dating

It’s an age old story.

Man goes on dating site.

Man assumes women have it easy because they get a ton of attention.

Man poses as woman on dating site to prove his point.

Man barely lasts two hours as a woman because the responses from his fellow men are so toxic.

Men scramble to approach women like rats chewing on a meaty chicken bone, and then wonder why women are so turned off by them.

Yeah, that’s about right.

Says the clueless man in question, “At first I thought it was fun, I thought it was weird but maybe I would mess with them or something and freak them out and tell them I was a guy or something, but as more and more messages came (either replies or new ones I had about 10 different guys message me within 2 hours) the nature of them continued to get more and more irritating. Guys were full-on spamming my inbox with multiple messages before I could reply to even one asking why I wasn’t responding and what was wrong. Guys would become hostile when I told them I wasn’t interested in NSA sex, or guys that had started normal and nice quickly turned the conversation into something explicitly sexual in nature. Seemingly nice dudes in quite esteemed careers asking to hook up in 24 hours and sending them naked pics of myself despite multiple times telling them that I didn’t want to.”

As a male coach for smart, strong, successful women, I apologize on behalf of all men. They’re generally not evil people. But they really don’t get what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes. I wrote about this in Finding the One Online extensively – what it’s like to be a woman dating online and how men need to up their games to connect. Hell, I just gave a TEDx talk about this very thing. Men scramble to approach women like rats chewing on a meaty chicken bone, and then wonder why women are so turned off by them. Says the original author:

“I would be lying if I said it didn’t get to me. I thought it would be some fun thing, something where I would do it and worse case scenario say “lol I was a guy I trolled you lulz”, etc. but within a 2 hour span it got me really down and I was feeling really uncomfortable with everything. I figured I would get some weird messages here and there, but what I got was an onslaught of people who were, within minutes of saying hello, saying things that made me as a dude who spends most of his time on 4chan uneasy. I ended up deleting my profile at the end of 2 hours and kind of went about the rest of my night with a very bad taste in my mouth.”

I apologize on behalf of all men. They’re generally not evil people. But they really don’t get what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes.

Well, duh. Welcome to Understanding the Opposite Sex 101, dude. It should be a required experience for men – just as approaching men and getting rejected dozens of times should be a required experience for women.

Ladies, have you ever had a similar experience to this woman? Guys, were you aware of how bad women have it?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Tatiayna

    Online dating is seriously detrimental to your emotional health. The fact that men don’t read profiles and send emails to women they have zero in common with, in any way. Is the number 1 reason , online dating is such a failure..

    1. 31.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      If online dating is such a failure, how come 20-30% of all marriages are now beginning online?

  2. 32
    Tatiayna

    I would suspect 20% is closer to the truth, than 30%.  And I wouldn’t call that online dating site, success, per se. As meeting online is an inevitable part of life.  Through countless venues, other than online dating sites.. Which no doubt factor into those statistics..
    Online dating would far more of a success. If men emailed women they actually had some common ground with.. Unfortunately, most don’t.
     
     

  3. 33
    Ren

    Guys were full-on spamming my inbox with multiple messages before I could reply to even one asking why I wasn’t responding and what was wrong. Guys would become hostile when I told them I wasn’t interested in NSA sex, or guys that had started normal and nice quickly turned the conversation into something explicitly sexual in nature. Seemingly nice dudes in quite esteemed careers asking to hook up in 24 hours and sending them naked pics of myself despite multiple times telling them that I didn’t want to.”

    All of this right here is why, as a single woman, I no longer date online.  
    In the beginning when I first started (this was before online dating became popular and the norm), I was able meet  guys, go out on dates, and had few relationships.  As the years progressed and I continued to try to meet men online, the quality of men has gotten worse and worse. It eventually got to a point that either men were just viewing my profile but not contacting me (whenever I’ve contacted men I’ve never gotten a response. Not ever), or the ones who did were only looking for NSA sex. It is so true that men online become belligerent when you don’t comply with their inappropriate requests, or if you don’t give them information you don’t feel comfortable sharing.

    A few years ago I finally came to the conclusion that online dating was a waste of time. Evan, I know you are a huge proponent of online dating, but I just can’t do it anymore. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  No matter how many times I’ve tried online dating, the results have been the same–men not looking to date but only have sex.  Writing a great ad doesn’t matter when men skip over what you write and only respond to you based on your picture. And we women can tell when a man hasn’t taken the time to read our ads. 

    If I can’t meet a man organically in person, I don’t want to be bothered.  

  4. 34
    debbie

    Someone used that gorgeous guy’s pics with the baby blue shirt, blue jeans and curly black hair and scammed me.  There is one pic at the beginning of this blog.  His user name was JR Michaelson on WealthyMatch. Beware!!

    1. 34.1
      Karmic Equation

      How did you get scammed? I’m curious. You didn’t send money, did you? That is just nuts. I don’t even send money to friends or family. Whyever would you send money to a total stranger?

  5. 35
    Karmic Equation

    Maybe it’s because I’m Asian. While I get a few inappropriate messages, most are ok, and are more along the “You’re hot” short msgs. When I bother to send a thanks-but-no-thanks message, most guys are very polite, and reply “Thanks for your honest reply. Good luck to you too!”
     
    Once or twice I got blasted. But one time was because the guy was trying too hard and he seemed nice so I tried to tell him he shouldn’t try so hard to impress with his message (he wrote an essay, and it seemed cut & paste). He didn’t appreciate my advice and called me names. Lesson learned. After that, no more unsolicited advice or I don’t bother responding.

  6. 36
    starthrower68

    I just had an interesting e-mail exchange with a fellow who was upset because women block him when he turns the conversation sexual. He says we’re frigid.  I tried to conduct an exercise in empathy with him and explain to him, kindly and politely, why a woman might take umbrage.  His response was that he thought a woman would feel worse about not being noticed at all than being sexually objectified.  I really didn’t know where to go with that and just decided to let it alone and move on.

    1. 36.1
      Karl S

      He’s very naive if he thinks it’s a good idea to turn the conversation sexual at any point. Even if a meeting does result in a hook-up, you only get there by building a rapport and keeping everything strictly polite and G-rated until you get a read on the other person and what the vibe is between you face to face. I’ve only ever had one online conversation that got sexual and that was because she was much older than me, knew exactly what she was after and didn’t want to waste time.

    2. 36.2
      JennLee

      I agree with Karl. It is very naive, but it seems there are no shortage of naive men in this regard. Also, I had a friend who confided to me that there is some misguided PUA stuff out there that tells men to quickly make things sexual or they risk being put in the friend zone. There may be some truth to that but I would say two things in response. First, most men are clumsy at it. Second, making a flirty sexual innuendo and leaving it at that is sufficient, but most men go way way too far. I could also add a third point in that there are also men who are only interested in the sexual stuff and nothing else. So it is better for men to separate themselves from those types by not engaging in sexual talk at all. It is better to not say anything sexual than to say something clumsy.

  7. 37
    GL

    I keep making jokes about running a prostitution ring on OK Cupid. The women who understand what I mean laugh, the ones who don’t understand react…we’ll not enthusiastically. LOL! It is BAD on the free sites, although there are some gents. Guys…you are not going to impress many women with your advances.  I shut my profile down after a ‘last straw,’ when ANOTHER poor sap emailed me saying he just got out of a relationship and wants a FWB. Gimme a break! I’m going to try a paid site down the road, I need a break!

  8. 38
    Misty Gilbert

    I began dating/online dating for the first time ever, April 2014.  Two weeks into it, I had 65 guys messaging me.  Overwhelming??? Absolutely!!!  To the point I wanted to quit?  More than.  But I didn’t. I set goals and expectations on myself to be different a create an experience that they would remember. I messaged every guy back, expressed to them a nice compliment or appreciation for what they wrote, even if it wasn’t one I wanted to proceed with, there is no reason to treat them ugly, rude, disrespectful, or harsh.  Yes, I have my criteria and deal breakers and I don’t plan to deviate from them, but you can still be sweet about it.  Be generous.  Be loving.  Be kind.  Everyone is in this to find their soul mate and it isn’t easy for either party.  Dating gets a bad rap because people don’t treat each other as they want to be treated.  Date intentionally.  Be open, authentic and real.  Don’t play games and you won’t have people playing games with you.  Communicate.  Be reasonable.  Trust that God will bring you the person you need in your life!

  9. 39
    Elizabeth

    I’m 61 and get the lot: dick photos, men wanting me to be a mother to their children (not interested), men wanting to be married (not interested), men wanting to emigrate and live with me (said in the opening email. Again, not interested), 20 and 30 year olds looking for a shag (what?!), men looking at my photos and not my profile, undereducated barely literate men (I have a doctorate and prefer to be able to converse with like minded people), men from across the ocean (my profile on okcupid states “nearby”), men wanting me to support them, and so on. It’s depressing and tedious. My profile says exactly what I’m after, yet few bother reading it. When I send  a short note say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” some will get nasty. Some will say to a comment such as “I’m only interested in considering local men,” that they are willing to migrate, and what’s the weather like in Australia. Gee wizzz. Words fail me.

  10. 40
    Christi

    I’ve been hit on several times by men far older than me, the most recent being in his early 50s.  I might mention that I’m 18.
    It’s absolutely disgusting and irritating and constantly I’m left wondering why I only seem to attract men who are far older than me and only have an interest in having relations with a young girl who isn’t even out of her parents’ house yet.  What I wouldn’t give to attract one nice guy who is around my age! 

  11. 41
    JustB

    I’m in my early 30′s, and have been doing online dating on and off for about 5 years. I find that I tend to get a particular kind of avalanche: 1. The older guy (55+) that is looking to show wife #1 he’s still got it;  2. The foreign guy who’s looking for a green card (a friend says I have the “perfect passport”: American with visas to live in a couple different countries.) ; and 3. The foreign guy who interprets my covered-up photos to mean that I’m socially, politically, or otherwise conservative, and therefore perfect to bring home to mother.  I figure this is because my professional photos (best advice ever, Evan!) were taken outdoors in winter and the seasonally-appropriate dressing is being mistaken for a particular moral code.  

    On the “that’s interesting” side of things, I received a proposition from someone who was married and was looking for someone to surrogate their child and avoid the “high costs” of dedicated agencies. I’ve also heard from a few cross-dressers; someone who sent me a long..fanfic…involving me, him, 2 other people, and PVC clothing; and someone who claimed to be a vampire and was looking to start a coven. I’ve also received a couple of messages from diaper fetishists, looking for an “adult figure” to join them. 

    I think what helps to have a bit of a zen attitude. It is what it is. The long-distance guys get a “local only, thanks anyway”, the creeps get ignored, the truly weird get a “Wow. Interesting. Not into that, but thanks for saying hello.” If someone normal-ish comes along, I’ll go out on a date or 2 with them and see what comes of it. 

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