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With that said, I have to ask you about something that happened last night at a campfire with some friends and family. I happened to be sitting by a 19-year old girl (I’m pushing 50) that I know through family and friends. We’ve always been able to talk like a dad would to a daughter, just about this and that, or anything that might come up.
We were looking at each other while discussing the way the sparks were floating up in the air, when suddenly something happened that has never happened to me with any woman in my life. The same thing happened to her, at the same time. I was looking into her eyes talking, when, and this is going to sound really stupid, the rest of the activities and people around us…like…disappeared. There were no other noises but me talking. Ok, this is really going to sound like I’ve lost my mind because I don’t quite know how to explain it…then…it was like I was “in her mind” or somehow “connected” to her. Her eyes got big, as did mine, and I was so freaked out that I quickly turned my head and looked at the fire.
Here is how the conversation then went…she spoke first:
Her: Wow !!!! What was that?
Me: I have no idea
Her: My God, that was weird. Ha ha… We just had a “moment”. Ha ha…
Me: I know, I felt it too, that’s why I turned away…it like freaked me out. So you felt that too?
Her: Yeah, it’s like…I just looked into your soul.
Then we both got up and joined the rest of the party.
Evan, what the hell happened there?? It kept me up all last night, woke me this morning…it was so heavy on my mind. I was married for 20 years and had other serious relationships prior to that and I NEVER felt anything like that with any of them. Is that supposed to happen before you get married? Is it common? Maybe that’s why my marriage failed. LOL.
Please don’t misunderstand what I’m asking here. I have no desires to be with this girl…that’s what she is, a girl. But now I’m wondering…have I missed out on something all my life? Does this happen to other people? Is the term “Soul Mate” real? Is it possible to find someone to connect with like that (who’s not 30 years younger)? If so, I’d put myself back into the market and search the ends of the earth to have a feeling like that again. Even though it only lasted about 3-4 seconds, it was the most…I can’t even name the feeling…”fulfilling”??? feeling I’ve ever experienced.
Any insight from you on what happened last night would be most welcome.
Brian
What’s with these May-December romances? That’s 3 letters in a row!
I appreciate your mostly self-aware email, Brian, because it illustrates that the deception of passion knows no boundaries. Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.
Chemistry is a real thing. Except instead of viewing it as a “feeling, I’d encourage you to view it as a junior high school science class. It’s literally CHEMISTRY. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones — all of these chemicals course through your brain when you have a moment like you had. It’s the same chemicals that stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain that get activated when you do drugs. I’m no drug expert, but meth, cocaine, ecstasy… the reason these are pleasurable is because of the surplus of these hormones staying in your synapses for longer. Yes, drugs are an artificial high, but what a high!
Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.
For some reason — probably because it’s natural — we don’t think of the physical/chemical part of things when it comes to chemistry. We just get caught up in the drama and fantasy of what that feeling meant. Instead of the accurate, but disappointing, view that it meant that your brain was flooded with hormones, you came to the conclusion that this MOMENT you experienced was emblematic of something more.
Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life?
Sorry to say, but probably not. That doesn’t diminish that wonderful feeling of connectedness you had, but whatever meaning this moment had for you is not in any way a reflection of anything deeper.
It was just a magic moment.
If you want to experience it again, here’s all you have to do:
Find a willing partner and stare into his/her eyes for two minutes straight, without laughing.
Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life? Sorry to say, but probably not.
Doesn’t matter who it is, you will have some form of that feeling again — a deep intimacy that you never experience with strangers simply because you don’t allow yourself to.
I know it sounds crazy, but you can actually INDUCE those feelings and chemicals by being real, authentic, vulnerable and connected — to ANYONE who is willing to play along.
Try it. You’ll see. And maybe you won’t be so seduced by the meaning of such moments in the future.
starthrower68 says
I have been self-deceived by that “feeling” more than once. I don’t trust it. But I’ve probably gone too far the other way so I’ve detatched from it. I know that it come from a place of fear. I don’t know if I can overcome that. One becomes comfortable, even if it may not be an ideal situation. At least I realize that much.
Sunflower says
Been there as well. It’s really hard to dismiss those “magic moments,” they are soooo consuming . I had one about six years ago with a recently divorced man, I thought it was a real connection, but the way I could tell it wasn’t is that it never went anywhere. I have run into him on occasion and all is good, conversation, a little flirting, but like Evan says, men do what they want and if he wanted to see me, he would ask.
Joy says
I agree with what Evan says about chemistry. It is like a drug. I’ve had really intense chemistry with at least two men in my life where I acted like an addict…I threw away reason and being rational to be around them. I wanted the fix, the attention, the “pretty” words in order to feel the high. And what a high it was…but the lows became too unbearable and ultimately, like any addict, I had to cut out the addiction cold turkey.
lourdes says
Yes, i agree completely. I’m starting to learn that’s what it is. A high! When you make the decision to cut the relationship cold turkey, one goes through emotional withdrawl. It’s bizarre
Joy, I agree with you completely. You definitely have to cut the relationship cold turkey. One actually goes through emotional withdrawls.
.
Jen says
I can actually *make* this happen with my boyfriend and it’s intoxicating! I do it on purpose when and everything around us slips away.
I agree, it’s a magical feeling, find someone you’re truly compatible with and try it.
Mel Summers says
sounds fantastic, can you give us some tips, how do you communicate that feeling so he picks up the vibe
Noquay says
Even if she were remotely age appropriate, you don’t know if she’s a soulmate; truly knowing a person takes time. Yep, on occasion, I meet someone I am really attracted to, can really mesh with. However, I understand there is a 99.9% chance the dude is attached, lives too far away, is not interested. The last time I fell for someone here I was attracted to, he would up pursuing me while keeping a hidden rship with an out of towner. I understand I am operating on hormones, isolation, loneliness, lack of companionship which I hate. Then reason kicks in. Is companionship lacking in your life? Do you need to expand your horizons, get out more, maybe even move elsewhere?
Julia says
Indeed, there are many people we can be attracted to and share a special moment, a mutual flirtation, etc. This attraction/moment/chemistry/flirtation doesn’t mean “destined to be together.” I think once you realize that there are plenty of people you can spend your life with, you stop believing in things like soulmates. I have a boyfriend that I love very much but I’ve met men since him I know I could easily spend time with, even married men. Obviously I wouldn’t act on it but we will have multiple chances in our lives to meet people and enjoy time with them. Belief that there is only one and the stars are aligned or whatever, just seems silly to me.
Joe says
This. There’s no such thing as a soulmate.
SparklingEmerald says
I felt that soul connection the first time I looked into my newborn’s eyes. Of course it was just one big oxytocin rush (and perhaps relief that labor was over !) but man, what a rush ! I see why and how mother nature intoxicates with that potent drug !
starthrower68 says
Ok, the mommy thing, yes!!! Lol!!
Karmic Equation says
Interesting.
I’ve never had a magic moment where I believed I found my soulmate. I’ve had magic moments where I was crazily attracted at first sight. However, that wasn’t my trigger to start fantasizing about forever with the guy, but rather my cue to start being more analytical about him. “Why do I like him? What about him do I exactly like? What’s different about him than other men? Is he a good guy? Do other people like him? etc., etc.” — Automatically flipping on the analytical switch counteracts the chemical rush and I stay very rational.
Katt says
Ahh, the deception of passion has happened to me twice in my adult life. Both times it took about 5 seconds flat and the feeling was mutual. It was wonderful and awful at the same time. Trouble is that level of high can’t and doesn’t last. Both times I had to end up walking away as it was too intense and quite scary with emotions and feelings being so out of control.
Like the OP it just happened, one minute you are just minding your own business and then you lock eyes with someone and that passion or chemistry hits like a ton of bricks.
My advice, RUN.
starthrower68 says
Katt you describe exactly what I went through on one occasion. The emotions felt out of control and it was scary. I have no desire to control others but I do always want to be in control of myself. I think that’s part of why I’ve buried that part of myself.
Kiki says
Are you all sure that what he has experienced is passion/chemistry?
I would think that at the age of 50, a man must have experienced passion/chemistry several times, like we all do?
I personally know what chemistry is, but I always know very well that it is a physical/material reaction, and my soul has nothing to do with it. Don’t you?
With regards to the soul, I have a male friend that I used to work with for a few years, with whom I have zero physical attraction, but who thinks like me, and feels like me, and has the same opinion of people, places, tasks, etc. We used to share a room with him at work for several years, and he is honestly the most pleasant human being I have met, working with him was like working with myself in an external form, true bliss. He is the closest idea I have of a soul mate. But that’s the soul, not the body.
May be I have missed something too, and at the age of 50, I will finally discover it with a 19 year old boy. Damn.
SparklingEmerald says
Thanks for pointing that out. Ironic that what most of call this deep soul connection is nothing more than a physiological sexual response and nothing more.
Don’t get me wrong, I think sexual attraction feels GREAT, and I wouldn’t want to have a relationship without that feeling to some degree. (a small degree preferably), but without an emotional and intellectual connection as well, it won’t last, and will turn sour eventually.
Peter 51 says
Kiki,
I was 54 before I ever experienced it. I am extremely glad, in hindsight, that it broke up quickly. It was mutual but she had been there before. It was a very painful breakup. She was close to me in age. My presnt, much cooler relationship, has a big age gap, as established readers will know.
Melody says
Yes kiki I know exactly what that feeling is…it’s so subtle but you actually come to a realization through time. How I realized my coworker was my twin soul was through a natural curiosity not interested in but just noticing the little things like identical vernacular or color blocking. He seems to get all my odd jokes and perks up or gets quiet when I’m around or when my name comes up. Well, I began noticing this subconscious love surfacing becoming strong with actualization. The funny thing was I never seen him as sexy or cute just always curious and calm around him. After several years it hit me hard one day and I was enlightened and completely in love with this man with reasons from A to Z. I thank you for sharing your experience. You just never know what is something so sharing about it helps.
Marie says
Not sure if attraction and chemistry is the same as a soulmate connection. The former is fleeting but the latter remains. The former is like an addiction, exhilarating, exciting, but ultimately dangerous. The latter is warm, comforting, solid, trusting, like a drink of water for your soul or a ray of sunshine. I have experienced both and they are nothing alike. I think one can only tell the difference if one has had an actual soulmate connection though. As for how many soulmates, I think for some there can be many, for others only one, depends on what level you will deem a soulmate. My husband has been my one and only soulmate and even though the initial craziness has worn off the soulmate connection remains. We know each other like we have been together all our lives and have been connected since before conscious memory. I can’t imagine that can exist with another person, but that’s me. My husband is the type of man who can only date and love one person at a time though so in that we are very similar in our devotion.
Jill says
Marie,
Would you mind explaining that more. When it started, how you knew etc
Cora says
Marie – I know you are right and I agree. I have had both – and they are very different. But, interesting how you said one is fleeting and the other isn’t. I am currently in a situation where I have this connection with a man and it’s driving me a bit nuts. It started about 6 mos. ago. I have never been able to totally forget about him. Then recently I was asked out by this guy – he’s going to cook for me and plan a fun day for tomorrow – and i got the intense attraction guy finally a bit out of my head. Then, first thing this morning I go to college and the first person I see is the intense attraction man – who holds my gaze with the most intense fire of passion ever – and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore! It reignited/triggered it all up again where I just can’t handle it. So when you say it’s fleeting…what about my situation? It’s just as strong now ..stronger…6 mos later…and it feels like torture! I believe life is short and to take chances, but I am terrified. I contacted my intense attraction man and I’m supposed to “talk” to him in the morning. I don’t know what I am doing or what I will say!!! I just want something to either happen or move on…
Dina Strange says
Connection doesn’t have to be sexual. It can be spiritual. Perhaps that’s how you connected, spiritually, and perhaps you both indeed saw each others souls.
London lass says
Call me cynical, but I would be more inclined to believe the OP experienced a soul connection- rather than just good old lust- if the person he was connecting to wasn’t a presumably hot 19 year old girl 😉
Alena says
yes I have to admit I am one of those who ´d look guys (and sometimes girls) deep into their eyes for long, very long. Luckily I have very nice big brown eyes so people almost never look away. So I have the soul-mate-connection anytime anywhere I want to. Though it ´s recommendable not to let it happen with everyone, some people tend to overthink it and never let go!
Malcolm says
” . . . you can actually INDUCE those feelings and chemicals by being real, authentic, vulnerable and connected — to ANYONE who is willing to play along.”
Whoa. Am I the only one that thinks this fact (and I agree that it is a fact) . . . has got to have more profound consequences than we typically realize (?)
What if (for example . . .) the personal cultivation of this capacity were a lot more important in ultimately finding true Love . . . than a lot of the other stuff that typically passes for important in this blog (?)
Evan Marc Katz says
Honestly, Malcolm, if you and I stared into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes, you’d be pretty freaked out at how “close” you’d feel to me – simply because NOBODY EVER DOES THIS.
Malcolm says
Well, there are eyegazing parties (google-able) specifically to do it . . . and it’s also a technique used in several spiritual traditions. I like your blog most when it’s emphasizing how we can change ourselves (attitudes, behavior, understanding, etc.) to improve our relationship chances. Generally speaking, I probably think we can do that a lot more comprehensively than you think we can . . .
Julia says
I took an acting class in college, which was a great experience period, I had to pair up with a classmate and stare into their eyes for the entire class. I lucked out and got the cute guy, I had a boyfriend so I never acted on it but it was a pretty great experience. Ever since, I’ve been able to hold eye contact with anyone I speak to. Its a great way to seem approachable and likable. It always amazes me how many people feel vulnerable or uncomfortable at the mere thought of it.
Peter 51 says
It’s an occupational hazard for interpreters dealing with opposite sex clients. To convey meaning reliably it is necessary to look each other in the eyes. This produces emotional arousal. Pretty young women end up with inappropriately large gifts from middle aged men when the trip ends.
Cora says
I have a habit of looking into people’s eyes everywhere i go…not in a creepy way – i just look and if they make eye contact – great – and smile and walk on…today it seemed maybe i was the one holding it longer..i just was wondering why so many ppl were looking at me..maybe it was me just holding onto the gaze….hard to pay attention to so much at once!
Lucy says
I’m not really into the concept of soulmates. I think love is a choice.
I worry that I can’t connect to men. I’m almost 25 and haven’t dated in a few years. I fell madly in love with the wrong person when I was teenager. Our relationship was volatile and he was abusive at times. What I’m experiencing now is the feeling of being too detached to fall in love again. I used to fall in love easily but now I find it hard. I haven’t met a man in a while who I feel both an emotional and physical yearning for.
Your post made me think though. Maybe I shouldn’t dismiss men who I don’t feel an instant connection to? I think we all have a picture of what love should be and when it doesn’t take the form we expect it to take, we don’t like it. I’ll work on becoming more connected to men as I’ve realised they want love more than I knew. I’ve genuinely met more men who believe in soulmates than women do.
Miss M says
With all due respect to the knowledge you may have you lost me at “chemistry.”
In one fell swoop you negated the primary factor that supersedes everything: the human spirit. Moreover, you just totally invalidated what this man knows to be truth. He *was* inside her mind in a sense. They were communicating on a very high level as spiritual beings not bodies. It was full of affinty, reality and communication. Its why it felt so great not the dopamine in his noggin.
I hope he recovers his ability to do that now that its been reduced to mud. He had it. He was spot on. I experience this all the time because I know I am not the chemicals in my body.
lalla says
This is so touching, it happened to me as well with a young man 2 years ago. Beautiful answer
Marcus Watrick says
Sorry but A few of you sound a bit bitter. Although it doesn’t happen often there are people who have had this type of connection and have been together 10-20 years. Granted for this guy it might be a sign that this is the feeling he should feel when it’s the one. Some believe in soulmates and some don’t, my opinion they exist. Just because you haven’t found yours yet doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Hell some believe in the bible and some don’t, same goes for this. I personally know a couple who fell in love instantly and when you look up soulmates it describes them to a T. I’m sure there are other cases as well. Before we can find that person we must first have our own lives/soul on the right path.
Kim says
I am dating a man presently and have known him for about 9 months. Our relationship recently escalated significantly in the last few weeks and it was mostly because we had that deep eye contact and saw into each other’s minds and hearts. We felt that connection. However, I am not going to lose my head and start planning our wedding because this feeling is relatively new, and for the first 7 months we dated casually and infrequently. I held off sex until just a couple of weeks ago when I was sure I wanted sex with him because I knew he was the only one for me. I do not yet know for sure if I am the only one for him, but we BOTH felt the connection, and commented on how powerful that feeling was. He is not yet my boyfriend. I have not met his family (except for his young son) and only one or two of his friends. WE have little history together. But, if our relationship ended tomorrow, I would be sad, but happy that for a short time I totally connected with another human being with whom I was also sleeping with. That has never happened to me before (I am 54 and have been single for 6 years — it didn’t happen with my ex-husband)) and it may never happen again, but I know it’s for real and it does happen. I will carry that memory for the rest of my life, that he was the one who touched my soul. But, I don’t see him as a soulmate yet … that only happens when you’ve known one another for a long while and weathered storms together. And our time together is still too brief to tell.
Desire says
OMG! I have been married for almost 11 years but I realized by the 3rd year that my husband and I were not ‘soulmates” or compatible. I have been very unhappy the past five years but he is such a nice guy and loves the heck out of me so I don’t want to hurt him.
I am very attractive and get attention from guys all the time. I have turned down so many offers; from guys wanting to have an affair, to old boyfriends or old ex’s wanting to get back with me… But a few weeks ago a guy came into my church with his wife. He instantly remembered me from our teenage years over 20 years ago. We dated or messed around briefly as teenagers and he was hurt when I moved away.. It gets crazier because his mom has been going to my church, we are close and I never knew he was her son..imagine that!
Ok so him and I have been texting each other, talking on the phone, etc..He just gets me..Out of all the guys I ever dated no one has ever got me like he does…We found we both like to read books; in fact we have read the same books, we both like to help people, we both give so much of ourselves to people and don’t get much back in return, and our birthdays are two days apart!!! We never knew this…When we went out to dinner there was such a connection it was crazy…we kept looking into each other’s eyes and shyly grinning and just breaking out into huge smiles.. We forgot we were in a public place.
I am feeling him so much and there is such a crazy connection that I don’t know what to do…We are both in our early 40’s, both married with children, but I can’t stop thinking about him at all…We both can’t…We are in awe at the eery similarities we have, and how we found each other across town, 25 years later….We have both agreed to be friends although we are overwhelmingly attracted to each other…I want to be friends so not to hurt my husband or his wife, but I really, seriously think we are soulmates..I’ve never had this connection before with anyone in my life!
Evan Marc Katz says
1. This space is not intended for advice. It’s to comment on the original article.
2. I couldn’t help myself, so I’m going to open and close the conversation on this:
3. Divorce your husband if you’re unhappy. “Not hurting him” is not a reason to stay married.
4. Don’t divorce your husband because you of the guy from church. He is, in all statistical likelihood, not your soulmate, but merely a crush. If you leave your husband, do it because you long to have a better relationship. Just don’t convince yourself that your connection with a stranger is necessarily going to last forever. You have no idea if you’d enjoy being married to this guy for 11 years. All you know is that he’s more appealing than your husband.
Unknown says
” Soul mates are for real”
If u have had someone whom u never really gotten that far with yet haven’t forgot them them after 15 years there’s a connection there or was n the heart n mind can’t seem to forget even as long or as much u have forgot!’…it is the whole reason y I looked up on this n found this article as well as others n they all make perfect sence to me when u know now or even years latter that they exists it is possible to be infinitely into someone’s mind heart it’s like knowing them better then they know them selfs it’s liking looking at them without looking at them you don’t actually need to look in someone’s eyes to feel that connection when it’s in ur mind ur spirit ur heart it’s like they all focus n come in one accord on one thing so they examine n filter n determine what exactly is that one thing person that u seek look at n it’s like looking into a microfine glass at the species ur examining which is the other person n so began to know what type of blood line n food they need n what’s exactly in side them n how much in take of food they can have n so become like a mother n no one else can take that place of knowing them so much so that when u don’t even look at them you still know exactly what they graving n what kind of good they like n what is it they need n what their thinking of n what’s best for them so it’s no longer only a thing of looking into their eyes n getting high it’s a caring looking out for them basis n winning them to help then even if it’s to lose them that’s reall n caring n the heart n mind can still think of then as such a home base or child with out looking into their eyes!…I hope you got my point about not having to have to stare in the eyes but the heart even after the eyes have been stared into n may have never been stared into again the after mate of that effect that can last a lifetime on also know what’s in those windows of soul as to the soul it’s self n never fidgeting that bit precisly the eyes alone!…
Adam says
Spot on! After twenty-one years of marriage, the euphoria associated with my wife is genuinely derived from investing daily in the quality of connecting. Quite noticeably, as we neglected investing in each other, the connection diminishes, and for whatever reason, we found other people, friends, or family to connect with. Mind you, the disconnect was slow, almost perceivable, and yet, I was aware of it. You just sense it, and after a year, the marriage fell apart.
Since then, in my dating ritual, I can look past the initial ‘chemical’ connection, see the friendship and focus in on creating more in-depth associations, dialogues, and ultimately, the vetting processes-is she someone I enjoy her company, someone I wish to spend more time with. The ‘falling in love’ syndrome that most people undergo, isn’t a viable excuse to chase the relationship carrot, at least, not for me. Should I do that, all the reasons I chased her in the first place could easily be toppled by the most simplistic dysfunction on her part-she chews her food with her mouth open, or farts, or even unwilling to engage in french kissing. Pick an excuse, chasing the ‘soul mate’ syndrome, they eventually crop into the picture.
So, yea, I can certainly relate to the ‘feeling’, however, a successful relationship requires each of us to manage our hearts, not let them lead us, less we fall in love with ‘chocolate’, eat it all the time, and get sick, or worse, become a diabetic. It’s just common sense to vet a relationship when that ‘feeling’ kicks in.
Maya says
As first,sorry,I’m not native English speaker. I didn’t read all comments,but there is a thing that I’m absolutely positive about. There IS such a thing as a Soulmate. I have find mine. The life brought to us that we can’t be together. And I am not a sick-o as well. That thing,with your eyes,I don’t know if it’s a sign of “mating”. Being someones soulmate is not an “instant” feeling,love at first sight or something. It’s an intense feeling of belonging to other person wherever he or she is. Whatever he does. As long as he loves you. And you didn’t have to ask him,you,occasionally,don’t even know where he is. But you just know that he loves you. You know…
I have to live with this permanent feeling of love for him every day,he is a part of me. I have a boyfriend,a wonderful guy I love. We had big relationship issues in past. We was separate,but still together when I started a relationship with my soulmate. It lasted over a year. We haven’t had sex,but it was perfectly real and magical. I left him,but we never broke up for real. That’s what people call complicated. One day I will be again with my soulmate (maybe never,who knows). And that day,I will love him strongly as I love him now,as I loved him for all this years. But I won’t be happy leaving my current boyfriend broken-hearted for my own happiness. I feel guilty for loving someone else. Unintentionally,but still wrong. It’s not something I choose. But I can choose to do the right thing.
J.H. says
A 19 year old woman is not a girl.
She’s fair game, sexually and legally.
ISREAL GOD says
Hello everyone, I have taken the time to read all comments here as I find the whole idea of soulmates a fascinating subject…my take on soulmates : I believe that true happiness is found within ourselves are spirits and bodies are soulmates . one had to be completely whole in themselves and love themselves wholly in order to truly love, and besides waiting on another for your happiness is like waiting on love in a bear cave that’s facing North, yeah Luke that’s gonna happen , I believe what you have to do is keep heading west and hope and pray that a Friend and Chosen Lover finds you and you them . Blessings and Beginnings to you All!
reham says
Thanks evan…i had such a moment with a younger guy…and since then i became obssesed with him…although i know that we are not a good match…you explained what happend to me perfectly
.you gave me hope…to feel that again with someone more fitting …thanks again
celia says
I have experienced the limerence effect several times in my life and misconstrued it as real love. .that is until I read many books on the subject. True love to me..means staying with someone through arguments disagreements and such. Not giving up when times get tough. Keeping score and judging is not real love. Love is the sours and the sweets. That’s real love and is only discovered in hindsight.
Katja says
I have experienced this aswell. Even though i have to disagree in Why it happened. I believe in the chemical explaination but i have hade this with the same person, in Two diffeent occasions far from each other and Ee basically could not stop staring at each other . We looked so Deep into eachothers souls for minutes at a time and it was definitly something Else Than just one moment. We didnt know eachother and didnt talk but Everytime we looked at eachother we couldnt stop staring.
special says
Soulmate, someone with whom one has a special, almost spiritual connection.
Soulmate do really exist.
Cora says
When I was 17 I was traveling alone (backpacking) in southeast asia. I had a travel partner but he got homesick and left me a bit early. The trip lasted 30 days – my mom was a travel agent and for some insane reason let me travel the world by myself at that age. I almost died a few times but it was AWESOME – all due to the people I met. On the trip one day – I was at a train station in Singapore and I walked past a man who was sitting on a bench. He had long, semi-curly hair – at least 20 years older than me. I smiled and he did too – and something indescribable happened – much like what was described in the letter above. Personally, I do agree with Evan in that this is chemically-related to our hormones – but I believe there is more to it. I can stare into the eyes of a man next to him and feel nothing. There was something more to this man. We ended up speaking, traveling together and becoming as close as two people could be – considering he was Italian, older and traveling a different path in life. We formed a strong friendship and stayed in contact for years – always felt a real love for him. Sometimes these intense attractions are sexual, more primitive in nature – this was a real innocent love for each other – and it always stayed that way. Sadly, I lost contact with him as of now…maybe I will do another search for him. I think this is not only chemical – I believe sometimes there is a spiritual aspect to it – something you both recognize in each other in such a brief fleeting moment. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that type of pure loving connection in that way with anyone since …but I have had an intense intense connection with someone that is more primal and sexual, to be honest. I am currently dealing with it. I was attracted to this man (also 15 yrs older) the first time we met due to his intensity, his passions and his similar travel history and adventurousness. After that we would lock eyes and it was so intense – it is difficult for me now. I spent the last four months randomly having him pop into my head and then block it out and move on. But this morning I went in to school (college) and he was the first person I saw as I entered – and everyone around us faded. He locked eyes with me so intensely for what seemed like so long – I feel like I cannot take it anymore. So I contacted him. I’ve never had this before. I am single so this is sort of fun…and i just want to see what is really going on. If this is one sided ….wow I will be shocked and embarrassed but oh well..,life is short.
Cora says
I’m posting again. After reading more of the comments – something hit me. I have had this one other time. The fact that it left my mind does make me sad – but I was thinking more in terms of a different type of attraction. I mentioned in the previous comment about a traveler and a deep connection. I had this with ONE other single person in my life. He too was years older and it was when I was in the military and he was visiting the base – he was directing some commercials (Army of One). Anyway, this man – when he spoke – he did so from his soul. When he looked at you – he looked deeper than most. He was the most sincere, humble person I have known in my life time – awe-inspiring to everyone he knew. He was such a positive light to others. I was so drawn to him – forget all the eye contact – I’m sure that happened but it wasn’t an intense insane experience. I knew I wanted to know him better and to have him in my life – I was just drawn to his love of the world and each breath he took – he felt it – he lived it – he lived in the moment. We too stayed in touch longer than anyone in my life. He knew me better than any family member ever has. The connection was not just hormones – it was a soul connection like others mentioned. I recognized something in him – so beautiful and so pure. I loved this man so much. He too – he was 20+ yrs older. He was a best friend to me. He was so loving. It was innocent – it wasn’t fatherly – it was just real human to human soulful love. He changed my life forever. Sadly, the one man who loved life more than anyone I have ever know – he died a few yrs ago after having a triple organ transplant. I traveled far across the country to see him before he died. I miss him so much. Sometimes there is much more to a connection than hormones. Our bodies and our subconscious – I think it is deeper and smarter than we know or understand —– if we take chances and step outside of our comfort zones to explore these things – life can become so beautiful.
M says
I wanted to replay to this post as I am struggling with the same “problem” myself. I have never had it with anybody in my life- prolonged gazes and the the inner feeling of just knowing the other person, like communicating with eyes only. And one magical gaze when everything faded away and i felt warm fuzzy feeling and inner voice: “i know, i love him, i just know and cant help it”. There are times this man tries to avoid me and vice versa but i cant get him out of my mind, i’m afraid never. It has been going on for several years now. Sometimes i feel him thinking about me, talking to me, missing me. Other times i feel and see him ignoring me. I know, it’s crazy and maybe i should be diagnosed but as i have never felt it with anybody else in my entire life (and i’m already 40) it does make sense (though both of us are in relationship). It is crazy but these gazes, espescially the one i described, i will never forget and him also as he pops in my mind every now and then with varying intensity. But as he does not take any action it’s just hopeless…:(
H says
It’s not crazy at all, but if you think you need to be “diagnosed”, I am sure many will be glad to oblige. With a little luck and the right dope, they’ll even “cure” you.
Or just hang around here, whete fifty is considered “old” and over the hill, ready to be buried.
Good luck.
nevets says
Evans right about the chemicals, but is wrong on not attributing the other factors unassociated with the chemicals.
Sit in a Ferrari, feel the rumble of a V12, and fly down a road. Great feeling.
Replicate it with a steelbox that rumbles and moves fast. Same thing? Not quite.
You feel the rush and thrill the same, but hey, knowing you’re in a 250000 supercar that looks like heaven, is all there has to be said.
That’s why when you see someone REAL hot, and they meet eyes with you, and connect its on a different level than say, an average looking person. – We know the difference. Its the stakes at play.
The reward is sex/dates/time with someone SEXY AS HELL.
Baseball – Same pitcher, same crowd, same close game. But add World Series, and every Pro pitcher will tell you, its somehow different.
Same chemicals going through your brain, but knowing, is the human game changer.
The article about the guy who locked eyes with a 19 year old, I would say had a sexual attraction for her. Even just a tiny bit, if not a lot. History tells us that old men do not mind young women as young as 14. Nvm 19. Occums Razor right?
He’s probably just in the know that modern society frowns upon this, and is a decent guy to know that him pursuing a 19 yr old wouldn’t be good for HER.
Be honest. That guy, that girl, bon fire, no one else around, no society to uphold morals, they’d be F*cking after that eye gaze.
Evans right about the chemicals in relation to the person that triggers it sometimes is meaningless. In the dating,sexing community this is called Buying Temperature.
Aka. Someone hotter than you can work up your person of desire, get those chemicals flowing, and when that hotter someone leaves, they’re susceptible to levying some of those chemical feelings on you, given the timing, and circumstances.
Eg. Girls settling for uglier guys at nightclubs and Guys settling for uglier girls at a strip club****
*P.s. guys are never approached by attractive females on the scale of a strip club.
Rebecca Brockway says
Excellent post EMK!
ScottH says
I did the 2 minute eye gazing thing you mentioned with my previous gf, not because of any suggestions but because we just did it. It was magical and when I talk to others about why I miss her, I frequently mention staring into her eyes. It was so intimate, so powerful.
ET says
Horny old man. Gross! A 19 year old? That’s disgusting.
lily says
Yes, I had that magical moment with one person in my life. The first time I saw him he catched my attention – there was something ( I wouldnt call it love at first sight) better describe it as a connection which lasts approximately 5 sec. and anything else was hidden around us in my mind. I never felt that before with someone. Also I wouldnt say this was because of physical chemicals because we were placed too far away to each other.
He approached me and after talking for months, I found out that hes has the same way of thinking, the same interestings and no one ever was able to trigger such intense feelings in me like he did . Could that be random? Again, never had that bond before with someone.
nevertheless we didnt come together for reasons but I think soulmates mustnt become a couple and are mainly there to to get to know yourself or to develop on a higher spiritual level.
It`s just crazy beacause I had that magic moment before we get to know each other.
Science please explain that!?
H says
“Science” knows squat about that (or about anything of consequence, really).
Lucky you for having experienced it.
Kelli says
Sometimes love can be surprising. I had no instant connection with my future husband (though I liked him as a person). Long story short, I got drunk & married my boss at a desperate point after our abusive relationships. I was bitter & bored at first, but as we got over our issues & truly opened up, we started connecting & are still in love. We didn’t find soul mates- we GREW compatible because we both believe in compromise & appreciating our differences! Be compromising, appreciative, flexible, & open-minded if any of you really want a “soul mate.”
H says
Interesting (or not really)… If the difference in age were smaller, people would be all “go for it!”, “it’s once in a lifetime experience!” And so on.
Yes, there’s a big difference in age, but they are both ADULTS. She is not a child. He is not a decrepit old man. They are adults. Period. And such an experience definitely is once-in-a-lifetime (if ever) thing.
I know he said he wouldn’t want to be with her, but I doubt he’ll ever forget this experience; and why would he?
Oh, and BTW: since when is (not even) fifty “December”? What is seventy or eighty, then? Late April?
Jasper says
Instead of saying that these experiences are ‘just chemistry’, we also have the equally reasonable option of saying that ‘chemistry’ is way more profound and mysterious than it might seem. Maybe chemical events in brains are the means by which people sometimes have soul-to-soul experiences.
Joules says
Why are we so afraid of deeply connecting with someone in a spiritual way, that we have to analyze it to the core and slice and dice scientifically to understand it? Chemistry may be a bunch of hormones, yes, but it is also a sign that you are alive and open to life and the world. Brian, what happened to you with the 19 year old could probably only happen to you then because she, being as young as she is, was open to connecting with you, just as she may have been to connecting with anyone else, be it male or female. And it just so happened that in that same exact moment, perhaps because of your environment, you managed to relax so much that you were able to let her in. There are many people that have come across your life that have probably attempted to connect with you in the same way, but you weren’t in that space to do so. That night, you somehow were, and it happened. And that incredible feeling that you felt is called the beauty of being alive. I have felt it many times on my own, with nature, with animals, with music, and with other human beings. It’s a beautiful feeling, and yes, you want to hold on to it, but alas, it is fleeting. Like a shooting star, it comes and goes. Be happy that you experienced it, and let that motivate you to be more open in life so you can experience it with others — even your children. Our society is too afraid to feel that we over analyze and think to the point of killing our emotions and inundating our minds with anxiety that lead us to miss out on moments like these. Congratulations for opening up to life!
Karen says
I am 55 years old. Up until 3 years ago I didn’t understand the term ‘Soulmate’ and didn’t really believe in it. Over the years I have had a fair number of ‘boyfriends’ by which to draw comparison. Then by chance, I met a man 11 years younger than I am – Both of us would not have considered such an age gap for a potential partner, especially with him the younger. I feel he is an older soul though, he is mature more at my level, a decade ahead. We both recognise that we are soulmates and often use ‘Soulmate’ or ‘Love of my life’, or ‘Best Friend’ as terms of endearment. Why, what makes this different to the previous relationships I have had? Firstly we have no common interests whatsoever which seem to be the traditional thing people seek in a partner in order to have a connection, but we have a deep core connection in our personalities which are incredibly similar – the same in fact, it’s like looking at a mirror image of oneself, career choices, drive, values, attitudes, everything is remarkably the same. This leads to tremendous connection at interpersonal level, we understand each other, we both just ‘get’ each other. Our birthdays are 1 day apart. We have uncanny intertwining of other family member names and age gaps, ie two of my names are the same as two of his family members. Our daily working lives cross so often, finding ourselves unexpectedly on the same road at the same time, 20m apart, passing through airports almost at the same time with flights booked by other people for business travel (we don’t work in the same company), and more, these are just some examples. Our life paths seem so similar, the co-incidences sometimes can be overwhelming as it seems like our lives are destined to cross/intertwine repeatedly. And then there is incredible chemistry on a number of levels, intellectual, emotional, sexual. None of them abating in the almost 3 years we have been together. We chat for ages daily about a multitude of topics, and laugh a lot. We both experience an amazing calming, contentment and settling feeling when in each others company. We don’t have to try to make anything work, it’s just so easy. We love the same way. We share so much laughter all the time as our same wit connects. This for me is a soulmate. I think many successful marriages which last happily for a lifetime are soulmate connections. Unfortunately not many people meet a soulmate in their lifetime, this probably contributes to the high divorce rates and the many unhappy marriages in our society. Can there be more than one soulmate for a person? I don’t know, but to meet someone so like yourself more than once in a lifetime seems a little hard – forget more than once, just once is hard enough!
Rose says
She’s legal – don’t see what the big deal is. Chase chemistry and when it ends chase the next high. What’s the difference between that and settling down and having kids and then those kids realize on of their parents settled in a relationship and parents aren’t real all “there.”