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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
First let me say, I am in no way shape or form a “creeper” or some sort of “sick-o”, and I have no desire to be with a woman that’s 30 years younger than me. I was married for 20 years then our marriage ended quite suddenly. I am very content being single and I’m not or at least thought I wasn’t, looking for another. My kids keep my life full enough.

With that said, I have to ask you about something that happened last night at a campfire with some friends and family. I happened to be sitting by a 19-year old girl (I’m pushing 50) that I know through family and friends. We’ve always been able to talk like a dad would to a daughter, just about this and that, or anything that might come up.

We were looking at each other while discussing the way the sparks were floating up in the air, when suddenly something happened that has never happened to me with any woman in my life. The same thing happened to her, at the same time. I was looking into her eyes talking, when, and this is going to sound really stupid, the rest of the activities and people around us…like…disappeared. There were no other noises but me talking. Ok, this is really going to sound like I’ve lost my mind because I don’t quite know how to explain it…then…it was like I was “in her mind” or somehow “connected” to her. Her eyes got big, as did mine, and I was so freaked out that I quickly turned my head and looked at the fire.

Here is how the conversation then went…she spoke first:

Her: Wow !!!! What was that?

Me: I have no idea

Her: My God, that was weird. Ha ha… We just had a “moment”. Ha ha…

Me: I know, I felt it too, that’s why I turned away…it like freaked me out. So you felt that too?

Her: Yeah, it’s like…I just looked into your soul.

Then we both got up and joined the rest of the party.

Evan, what the hell happened there?? It kept me up all last night, woke me this morning…it was so heavy on my mind. I was married for 20 years and had other serious relationships prior to that and I NEVER felt anything like that with any of them. Is that supposed to happen before you get married? Is it common? Maybe that’s why my marriage failed. LOL.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m asking here. I have no desires to be with this girl…that’s what she is, a girl. But now I’m wondering…have I missed out on something all my life? Does this happen to other people? Is the term “Soul Mate” real? Is it possible to find someone to connect with like that (who’s not 30 years younger)? If so, I’d put myself back into the market and search the ends of the earth to have a feeling like that again. Even though it only lasted about 3-4 seconds, it was the most…I can’t even name the feeling…”fulfilling”??? feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Any insight from you on what happened last night would be most welcome.

Brian

What’s with these May-December romances? That’s 3 letters in a row!

I appreciate your mostly self-aware email, Brian, because it illustrates that the deception of passion knows no boundaries. Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

Chemistry is a real thing. Except instead of viewing it as a “feeling, I’d encourage you to view it as a junior high school science class. It’s literally CHEMISTRY. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, pheromones — all of these chemicals course through your brain when you have a moment like you had. It’s the same chemicals that stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain that get activated when you do drugs. I’m no drug expert, but meth, cocaine, ecstasy… the reason these are pleasurable is because of the surplus of these hormones staying in your synapses for longer. Yes, drugs are an artificial high, but what a high!

Men and women, young and old, get caught up in a feeling and then want to chase that feeling to the end of the earth.

For some reason — probably because it’s natural — we don’t think of the physical/chemical part of things when it comes to chemistry. We just get caught up in the drama and fantasy of what that feeling meant. Instead of the accurate, but disappointing, view that it meant that your brain was flooded with hormones, you came to the conclusion that this MOMENT you experienced was emblematic of something more.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life?

Sorry to say, but probably not. That doesn’t diminish that wonderful feeling of connectedness you had, but whatever meaning this moment had for you is not in any way a reflection of anything deeper.

It was just a magic moment.

If you want to experience it again, here’s all you have to do:

Find a willing partner and stare into his/her eyes for two minutes straight, without laughing.

Could this have been the soulmate connection you were looking for your whole life? Sorry to say, but probably not.

Doesn’t matter who it is, you will have some form of that feeling again — a deep intimacy that you never experience with strangers simply because you don’t allow yourself to.

I know it sounds crazy, but you can actually INDUCE those feelings and chemicals by being real, authentic, vulnerable and connected — to ANYONE who is willing to play along.

Try it. You’ll see. And maybe you won’t be so seduced by the meaning of such moments in the future.