Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.”  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

  • Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
  • Why men avoid “curvy” women!
  • Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
  • Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

Except this isn’t true either, because most people feel duped by the disconnect between your description and real life stature. Heavier people almost always do better in “real life” than online.

Next myth to be busted: why men don’t go out with “curvy” women. Well, you touched on it yourself, Nicci, in your email. In their attempts to be honest (but not scare off men), women will click on descriptors like “a few pounds extra”, “curvy”,  or “voluptuous”. All are considered euphemisms for “fat” by men. This creates a vicious circle. Women know that men prefer thin, so they adjust their descriptions accordingly. Men have learned to mistrust these body types, and therefore only look at women who are “firm and toned”, “slim/slender”, or “athletic”. And when the slightly overweight woman shows up on a date with a man who was expecting “athletic”, both parties are in for a night of disappointment.

Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Why do men look at you and not write to you? First of all, I think that’s a problem that’s more in your head than in reality. Fact is, we all window shop online. How many men have you looked at? 1000? How many did you write to? 12? Should 988 men feel rejected because you didn’t initiate contact? Please. Ignore how many people look at you. It is misleading and can only serve as a tool that makes you feel rejected. If no one’s WRITING to you, however, there is something to think about. Which is why I’ve helped thousands of people rebrand and market themselves successfully online over the past nine years. Better photos, better essays, better usernames, better email technique. Do everything 25% better and it can make a remarkable difference in your life.

Still, no matter how much rebranding we do, life is still not going to be fair. Men are still largely going to prefer young, thin women. Women are still going to prefer tall, successful men. All we can do is tackle this confidently, and not get too thrown by the many bumps in the road. The man who wants you is going to WANT a curvy girl. No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer skinny chicks, y’know?

Finally, the last myth we’re gonna bust is that there’s something about your profile that’s attracting the wrong kind of men. I swear to God, I have heard this complaint every single day for nearly a decade. And it always baffles me. So let’s play the game I play with my clients on the phone:

Me: If you were to go to an airport and look around the terminal, what percentage of men would you date?

Her: I don’t know. 5%? 2%, maybe?

Me: Then why would you expect the percentage to be any higher online? If, by definition, 95% of men are wrong for you, it should be expected that many will be unemployed, uneducated, older and inappropriate. Get over it. They’re allowed to take a crack at you, and you’re allowed to ignore them. Focus your energies on attracting and maintaining the 5% that you want. THAT’s what we’ll do together.

And so it is, Nicci. Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Understanding this about online dating is essential to your success. And if you’ve struggled with the same frustrations as Nicci – not enough good men, all the wrong men writing to you – my Finding the One Online system is a one-stop-shop to get you the kind of attention you deserve.

Click here to learn more and kickstart your love life today.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/finding-the-one-online.html

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 181
    judy

    Anaserene 176 – Oh dear.  Those ARE my measurements.  Does that make me a Barbie Doll?

  2. 182
    hunter

    @181,
     
    ….that makes you a barbie!!…

  3. 183
    Sparkling Emerald

    I leave my body type classification blank and post a few recent full length body shots, and let potential dates form their own opinion.
     

  4. 184
    Joe

    SE: doesn’t that cause you to show up in searches only for men who don’t filter at all on body type?  I suppose it’s a valid strategy if you’re seeking only those enlightened enough to be that open-minded, but what percentage of men select zero body type filters?

  5. 185
    Sparkling Emerald

    Hi Joe – Thanks for your comments. I see your point, however . . . On match.com the only honest body type for me is “about average” and unfortunately, that can have more than one meaning.  Since I am 58, most people consider the “average” 58 year old woman to be overweight.  What I mean by “about average” is that I’m not skinny and I’m not fat, I have a medium build. But there is no option that says “medium build”.  Curvy wouldn’t really fit, because I am small busted, and men see “Curvy” and automatically think “fat”.  I can’t honestly say that I am skinny, thin, etc. nor can I say that I am “toned and athletic”, and I certainly don’t want to select ANY option that can be interpreted as fat, because I am not.  I doubt that very many men put “about average” in their search engine.  So I just have to rely on men who don’t filter at all on body type, and make the judgement from my pics.  I just had some professionally done pics, which I plan to mix in with my other photos of me having fun.  They show a woman with a face that someone could surely love, and a body that shows a woman who is consciencious about her health, even if she can’t honestly describe herself as “athletic and toned”.  My profile and pics indicate that I do enjoy some physical activities, and that I care about my health.  I live a reasonably healthy lifestyle and am looking for the same.  I am fairly cute, but I’m not a 10, and I’m looking for the same. So as for the men who put “athletic and toned” or “slender” in their search engine, it is probably just as well, they aren’t looking for me.  Since I don’t make initial contact with men, I really don’t search much, unless I am curious.  When reading profiles, I look at the pictures, with a focus on the face, then check out the smoking status.  If that is “no way” then I proceed to read the profile essay to get an over all feel for the persons character & personality.  I don’t even look at height or income, because that is not really in my criteria.

  6. 186
    RedGlossy

    A size 10 is NOT OVERWEIGHT anyway by ANY MANS MEANS, NOR MINE AS A WOMAN!!!!!!!! Just hour glass figure by the sounds of it! Get yourself down as slim!!!!!!!!

  7. 187
    faded jade

    Well, if the model from the stock photo is “curvy”, then I don’t know why men wouldn’t write to a curvy woman.  And if she posted a photo,  with even a mediocre profile, I can’t imagine she would have problems with men not writing to her and wanting to get know her.  She is a doll !  Very cute face and very nice curvy figure.  I doubt that there is a shortage of male admirers for her.   I know that not all men want stick figure women. 

  8. 188
    jeffkrason

    Maybe we should be asking a different question, like what has our culture come to?  Almost every persons comment here appears consumed with female body size and shape. The last time I checked, woman come in all different shapes and sizes.  The fact is you can’t please everyone, nor should you! If you come across in your profile with confidence and positive energy and the pic of you is accurate representation, that all you can do. If some guy rejects this, then move on forget him…..
     

  9. 189
    LovelyRita

    I really detest the term “thick” … so I think we are all sensitive about different things. I don’t mind curvy or overweight as a term.  
    I am working on my weight and I have not had enough progress.  It makes dating very difficult.  I had an email thing going with a guy for a while, and then telephone and then I sent him an extremely accurate picture.  He responded very well and said I turn him on.  But then when it came time to meet him a few weeks later, he had run off with someone else.  So I will always assume it was my weight.  He contacted me a month later and told me he took that woman out many times and she never let him kiss her.  
    So I assume it was some young beauty just using him for the restaurant tour.   
    I am very frustrated with online dating.  I try to choose men that are slightly overweight and still feel rejected because of my weight.  Some of these men have been alone for years and they still are rejecting me because of my weight.  I am a warm and loving person.  It seems there are a lot of people that have intimacy issues and they take a catalog shopping attitude towards this and somehow are content to shop their lives away and never have a real relationship.  I would really like to know how to get past this.. even if I am not successful quickly in my desired weight loss. 

  10. 190
    james

    To be honest, most men think that curvy women acquire bigger penises.  So most men are too insecure and scared to fail to satisfy the curve monster.

    1. 190.1
      Diana

      Love your response and you are probably right…lmao

  11. 191
    Diana

    Why are women always portrayed as weighing 40 pounds and being beautiful ?That is not the average woman at all .

    1. 191.1
      starthrower68

      It probably started in all the fashion houses.  Karl Lagerfeld is very outspoken in his contempt for women who are above a size 6.   But the designers design for the tall, size 4 -6 20-something.  And that is also what Hollywood and Madison Avenue is for the standard of beauty and worth.  More of them on each coast but not so much in the Midwest where we’re corn fed.  It is what it is.  I have learned not to get upset about not being found attractive.  

  12. 192
    RaptorGal

    I’m 50-something and have always been a plus size. I’ve never looked for marriage and never wanted kids and so never felt the pressure to find that ONE guy. But I can assure you curvy/chubby/few extra pounds gals that there are PLENTY of men out there who like chubby girls. If you’re looking for a guy who thinks you shouldn’t eat french fries on a date or at least “seem like you’re dieting,” then you might want to take a time machine back to the 1950′s.

    Love yourself, be confident and guys will be attracted. I have never been without male companionship / long-term boyfriends for long periods of time. More guys prefer you be fit, happy and healthy, but not necessarily a size six either.

  13. 193
    Bob

    Men love curvy women, science proves it. The reward center of the brain lights up when they see curvy women.
    But the definition of curvy needs defining, there’s just overweight and theres a slimish nice figure with nice curves which I would consider curvy. And com’on curves beat an anorexic waif thin model any day.

  14. 194
    Susan

    I am going to say the opposite of what other are advising and say call yourself “slender”. Getting as many responses is the name of the game on these dating sites not being “honest.” I have found very few men are what they say they are and most have very outdated photos as in 10 years ago, I had a man who said he was 55 years old contact me and when I looked at his age online, he was actually 65 and I am in the my 40′s! You can lose weight and sitting home won’t help you do it. Going out and meeting men will bring back your game and you will be motivated to lose weight naturally. Hanging around the house won’t do that. Get back out there GF!

  15. 195
    SparklingEmerald

    If the model in that stock photo is considered “curvy”, then I am hard pressed to know why men would pass up a woman like her based purely on her looks. I think she’s adorable !

    Just put up some recent, date stamped, flattering full length photos in your profile, and let men decide for themselves if your body type is their type.

  16. 196
    KissHerShesCute

    This is how I handled it- I’m a pretty middle aged woman who recently lost A LOT of weight. I posted many pics in my ad in a site for people 50 & older…including body shots- all were taken that week…I listed myself as average, bec. for a middle aged woman my bod is average…but according to my doc I have more weight to lose…so by posting recent full body shots (multiple) as well as recent head shots, I was being HONEST- but by choosing “average” I was not being dishonest, but not taking myself out of the running either. Each man can look at my ad & decide if he likes what he sees!

  17. 197
    RA

    Late arriver. Will just say this:
    Perhaps women find that honesty doesn’t pay. Perhaps that is their experience. My experience from the other side is that dishonesty in a woman is a dead in the water deal killer. If she was less than honest about her age and/or her body, I’m going to be wondering what else is she going to be less than truthful about. Sure I could hold on for the pump and dump, but that’s not my style, I’d rather not waste any more time with this dishonest woman or that. Since it seems like nearly every woman that I’ve met online and got to a first meeting with has honesty issues, I’m done with online dating, sticking with real life. Seems easier that way, I know what I see is what I will get. Curvy actually means curvy, not fat. Athletic actually means athletic, not thick. I can see for myself how well she carries herself; if I like what I see and I can make conversation with her, I may ask for her number.
    advice … if you’re finding that you have to fudge the truth to get dates online, it may be better to spend more time on real life interactions where you can find men in your approximate age bracket and interact with them. Meetup.com is a good starter for this sort of thing.

  18. 198
    moonsong

    I just had to reply to this!     Like anything, ‘weight’ may be an issue for some guys for others it isn’t and I have met some who adore curvy women.    After 2 years of dating someone who has a) a house full of chocolate/crisps b) cooks large calorific dinners (due to presence of children) and c) has a hobby which involves a lot of sitting around and drinking, yes you’ve guessed, I am not the woman I was!     A couple of weeks ago he sat one evening plying me with more wine and crisps and casually let slip that he was ‘used to going out with  slimmer women’.      No he doesn’t win the charmer of the year award,  if I hadn’t known him for so long I would have have said a cheery goodbye and suggested he go find a slimmer woman!      But I actually felt embarrassed…     Comments like that sort of bulldose the building blocks that one does in a relationship.    We women may change in our body shapes during our lives, but surely it is whether you click and can ride the rollercoaster of life together.   So too the lady who wrote the query:  be yourself, it will be your personality and energy that will attract the right guy and maybe leave the rather prescriptive internet detail questions blank….

  19. 199
    Barbara

    This is just my first-hand experience.  I’m older than 40′s and I’m on a dating site.  Last year I was thin and toned and got a lot of responses to my thin photo.  Now I include that same photo, under which is the caption “I am not trying to be thin like this any more.”  My profile photo is current, so anyone who visits me does so based on my current pic.   I describe myself as overweight, because that’s how I expect most guys would view me.  But I try not to loose weight.  The most attractive man I’ve ever known changed my way of thinking; he is attracted to women who are big in the hips, thighs and butt.  Whether he is in my life or not, I feel beautiful and sexy with the added padding.  The right guy for me will like it.  When I was thin, I got many compliments on my figure, especially my legs (I am a dancer).  But being thin never got me anyone I wanted to date from the dating site or anywhere else.  On the dating site now, guys write to me and don’t make an issue of my weight.  Some of the guys are the same ones that wrote to me last year when I was thin…guys in their 20′s and up.  Some say, “you’re still beautiful.”  It’s been an eye-open experience.  From the time I was a teen, I wanted a thin body type.  It took all these years to see myself as beautiful without being thin.  One of the nicest compliments I ever heard a man give a woman was a comment about Catherine Zeta-Jones’ pregnant pic.  He said “50 pounds over or 50 pounds under, who cares!”

  20. 200
    Jennifer

    This stuff about men not dating or wanting to date curvy women is all a bunch of hogwash. Depending on brand, I am anywhere between a size 8 to 14, and I get contacted regularly on dating sites – not always by men I deem desirable, but I DO get contacted often. At least 20-30 men a day view my profile, and about 10-15 contact me. I don’t think that’s too bad! Offline, I am asked out on average once per day, and as mentioned, I have the hourglass shape – I am not overweight nor underweight according to my height, says my doctor. I’d style my body as somewhere between Kim Kardashian and Christina Hendricks. Find some good pictures of yourself to post online – not slutty ones, but ones that show both your face and your shiloutte – you WILL get responses. Also, how you style writing your profile helps. If you say, “well, I’m trying to lose some weight,” or “maybe I should lose a few pounds,” or “I have lost X many pounds, I’m almost to my goal,” then men see that as you are insecure and unconfident. I have lost almost fifty pounds in a year, but I don’t put that out there for the world to see – it seems to be riding along insecurity and shallowness. I am very honest about my body online – in fact, my profile is very sassy and comical, and men love that. I described my body in relationship to the curves in architecture, and joked about it being styled like the “dangerous curves ahead” road signs, and that totally changed my responses from men. Sure sometimes I get the horn-dogs (which I weed out,) but I also get good, quality men with great senses of humor. Men love confidence, and really, who wants to change to please a man, when the right one will come along and like you just the way you are? Good luck in your dating! XXX

  21. 201
    Jennifer

    P.S. – I should have added that I am in my lower 20′s. :)

  22. 202
    GL

    I think choosing ‘curvy’ sounds sexy. If men think ‘curvy’ means ‘fat,’ then they are already looking for a slim woman with ‘thin,’ or ‘athletic and toned’ descriptors. I don’t like ‘a few extra pounds,’ that doesn’t sound sexy. ‘Full figured’ sounds sexier than that…and men seem to just look at your pictures anyway, forget what you said in your profile. Men love hourglass figures! I wish we didn’t have this stupid Twiggy culture that screws with our body image. I really think it’s the American white man who prefer thin women. Even then, plenty of white guys like a big girl…you see the skinny man/heavy girl combo here in Wisconsin all the time! Last night I saw a couple…HOT man, tall, muscular…with a very, very large, average looking woman. It’s cold here, the blubber helps! :P
    Just have some knockout pictures if you’re worried. My pictures are very average, I have ‘curvy’ as a description, and I get emails. They seem to have decent jobs, educations, which are my main criteria…and they have the bodies I like…I don’t know. I don’t take initial emails all that seriously, you have to meet someone to really get a feel for them. 

  23. 203
    Sebastian

    I cannot understand the complain of women here. I try to get girls for dates and got meager 12 dates within a year, after having invested tons of hours in online dating and offline activities. I am 6 feet tall and 210 lbs with a broad shoulders but girls hardly seem to be interested rather stick weith their girlfriends. I don’t have a sixpack, a small belly rather, that sometimes even is not visible. I have not worked out. But I get rarely a smile back that shows its worth to initiate more contact to flirt or get the girls number and more.

    Online dating: I get a lot of overweight mommies with kids attention while I state that I seek single without kids.

    I would gladly take out curvy girls. I state I prefer normal because I am an active guy and those girl who have stated “few pounds extra” have been girls that would collapse from running a mile or walking two. I think there is a big perception issue here. We guys like curvy girls, we often get shit from a lot of girls. Therefore I will not sway any girl with fancy and expensive dates. I developed a good sense whether I am appreciated or not from the misery of failed relationships and akwad dates, when I really asked myself, why did this girl bother to date me at all, when she acts so stiff and akward and totally uniterested.

    Girls, how about you give us guys a nice smile so we know we can talk to you find out if we mutually like each other. After this we can depart as if nothing ever happened or shedule more dates or whatever.

    Last date was awful, I felt the girl was totally drawn to me, I kissed her and she reponded cluthed herself totally to me. We had a second date, while I was rather cool and anything but needy, she kissed and emcranced me. Thereafter I tried to schedule another date without even getting a response other that she had a lot work to do. When I canceled my online dating profiles, she immediately asked what’s wrong? If I do no loger wanna see her? I told her I do, but I am done with online dating anyway, a city of more than 100,000 people and few hundred girls online 1% answer ratio. Well I did not want to travel 50 miles each evening for a date. Well our date approached and I called her to ask where we meet. She mentioned she was sick and wanted to reschedule, bla bla. I don’t believe a single word. Such behaviour is viral today from ladies of all shapes. You want dudes to contact you. Well how about you contanct them? You seem to know which ones you like, you can let the guy do the first step on the street. You are unware how frustrating it is to write to girls without any response. Sooner or later you just don’t log in anymore or delete your profile. You and the other girls remain online with the other guys either want just sex or honest ones, who have not decided to quit this mess yet.

  24. 204
    Mr. Moore

    Here’s the deal. 
    As Americans, we try too hard to be “POLITICALLY CORRECT”.
    As a man, the physical qualities I look for are developed calve muscles, developed hips & thighs, the stomach should be somewhat flat, doesn’t have to be toned, or muscular, but it would be a plus, and no it’s not a deal breaker.
    The butt should be distinguishable from the back, and the back of the thighs.
    Best should be perky, or full.
    If you look at the body their area few major “shapes”.
    Round = most prominent section is the mid section.
    If you were to look the silhouette of this body, it’s rather difficult to distinguish the front from the back and some silhouettes, it would be difficult to distinguish from the switides.
     Thin = basically opposite of a round. Generally no contours or very slight contours.  Hard to distinguish calves, thighs, butt, breast, which are features that most men generally attracted to.
    Curvy = everything from calves, thighs, hips, butt, breast are distinctive and noticeable workout having to struggle to guess at which parts are which.
    Political correctness, and not being honest with ourselves has caused confusion.
    Ladies, if you’re obese, just be honest with everybody including yourself.
    And if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t expect anybody else to be happy with you.
    As Americans, we need to learn when to back away from the table, then we can get over this dilemma.  

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