How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?
Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.

The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.

He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.

Thanks for any insight you can provide!
Holly

Dear Holly,

Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?

Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into.

Sorry, in my world, this is not a big issue at all.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

In fact, I would struggle to conceive of a couple that is so in sync that both parties even share the SAME fantasies.

Similar views on spending money are important.
Similar views on raising children are important.
Similar views on communication are important.
Hell, even similar views on sex are important.

But having the same FANTASIES?

Things that take place in your mind for your pleasure? And he’s supposed to be just like you?

Really?

For all you readers who may be getting upset at my tone with Holly, please, flip your genders around for a second.

Imagine a female reader who complains that her boyfriend of two months is really into anal sex. He watches anal porn. He fantasizes about anal sex. He’s only done it a few times in his life, but it’s a big part of his dream life. He acknowledges that sex is currently great, but he won’t feel satisfied until he’s going in through the out door.

What would you tell her?

I’m guessing that most of you would tell her to either run or forcefully tell the anal-obsessed boyfriend to back the hell off.

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken.

It’s not that anal sex is bad or wrong or even an unusual fantasy, but it’s a very delicate and personal preference. And if he’s EVER going to get her to agree to it, it will happen only when she feels very open, trusting and loving to her boyfriend. This may take a year. It may take marriage. It may never happen. Some girls just don’t like anal.

So what that boyfriend would have to do is consider whether this is a tradeoff he’s willing to make – or not. Is it more important to have a perfect girlfriend who doesn’t do anal? Or is anal sex so important that he’d be willing to throw away a relationship to find it? Is it worth the risk of a more sexually adventurous girlfriend who may not have his current girlfriend’s other great qualities?

By the way, you can substitute ANY quirk for “anal sex” or “S&M”. People who are holding out for a guy with washboard abs or a woman who surfs are no different than these folks. How much do you insist that your partner has the same exact interests as you?

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken. Insist that you get a man over 6’0”, and you’ve eliminated 85% of men. Insist on a man who earns over 200K and you’ve eliminated 95% of men. I don’t know how many men are into being sexually dominant. I just know that it’s another arbitrary (but attractive) thing that you want to insist on. Only you can tell if it’s worth rocking the boat over.

But if you stay with him, you should probably wait a while before pushing the issue again. People don’t want to be sold. They want to choose to buy. If he loves you, if your sex life has gotten routine, if he wants to be the best possible pleaser, it will be in his self-interests to experiment with being more dominant. Allow him to come to these conclusions on his own and he will come to them on his own.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

Ask any woman who’s had a guy pressure her sexually.

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Comments:

  1. 32
    Ruby

    Is anybody really longing for the days when all a woman was told about sex was, “lie back and think of England”, or “Relax and enjoy it”, or when women had little access to birth control? And heaven forbid that woman should want sex a certain way! Or a certain amount!
     
    As the OP says, “We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.”

  2. 33
    Sparkling Emerald

    Ruby 32 – No of course not, but there’s a happy medium between having to lay there like a dead fish, and expecting you partner to cater to your every sexual whim. I also do not think men should expect this either.

  3. 34
    Rose

    Holly says.
    “We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.”

    I feel curious what do you think the reason was why you broke up?

    “I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.”

    This is a good thing that you have discovered about what you want for yourself in a relationship.To be open to open to exploring your sexual fantasies and to like to live some of them out. If that is something you want in a relationship there is nothing wrong with that. The bit that feels concerning to me to the point of like hearing an alarm bell going off is that you say with him after such a short time and not really knowing each other that well.

    Like he said he wanted to get to know you better first before he would feel comfortable doing that.

  4. 35
    Jennifer

    If you are in a traditional relationship with your partner and they aren’t expected to cater to you sexually, who is? 
    That’s why it’s so important to have partners on the same page about sex, whether it’s generic, super adventurous, or something in between. 
    I don’t think there is anything selfish about wanting your sexual needs met by the one person you’ve promised to be sexually committed to.
    In Holly’s case it may have been too early, as he didn’t say no but said he may be interested after he’s more comfortable. But that isn’t why they broke up. Iftheir relationship had continued and he didn’t want to do anything in the neighborhood of what she wanted, I think it would’ve been wise for both of them to reevaluate the relationship at that point.

  5. 36
    Jennifer

    And if it’s the bdsm issue that’s hard to get past, imagine we are talking about something that is currently mainstream but wasn’t always, like oral. 

  6. 37
    Judy

    I think it is a Y fork in what you want
    The conservative guy who respects you who wants to marry you and whose belief system is family and marriage
    or
    A wild sexual relationship.
    I think you can find a great guy who will marry you, respect you and have very good sex. But if you have deviant preferences (deviant meaning mainstream AND to the guy you are with) then you have to choose.
    I would liken this to a guy who has a fetish – he loves the fetish and has to have that and it is about that and not who he is with and what they BOTH want to do.
    Maybe it is timing and you want to have fun?

  7. 39
    woodsy

    The best thing to do is to marry / have a relationship with a guy that you really like to bang..the kind of a guy you had your fun and flings with.
     
    These kind of problems arise when women marry and have flings with different types of men.

  8. 40
    LD

    Wow. Really? If she wants to get a little kinky, how is close to demanding her boyfriend have the exact same interests as her? It’s sex. Everyone should strive to be GGG (good, giving, and game – within reason.) If she wants her hair pulled or her ass smacked from time to time, shouldn’t this guy be willing to try? That’s not a ridiculous demand.

  9. 41
    Nissa

    Ok, this post has one of the best lines ever, ha! In through the out door – am I the only one whose first thought was, “raspberry beret….I think I love her” from the Prince song? Followed shortly by, “wow, I am probably the last person on the planet to get that joke from the song! *giggles*

  10. 42
    william wendel

    Whatever god you serve (whether a sexual addiction or fantasy) it will become your uppermost “HIGH” that you will seek after….Like men who seek out other women for LUSTFUL Pleasures since they are not being fulfilled at home by their wives, or they’re bored by their girlfriends, they will always overlook the important qualities/aspects of their BF, wife, or present girlfriend just for the sheer joy of the pursuing another woman. Incidentally, it seems like they’re totally experimental and their relationship that has all those wonderful qualities has become too boring and routine for them. Sexual games, preferences should not become the foundation for a true relationship unless like the alcoholic, the high is no longer high enough, and they need more of the LOVE DRUG to get higher and higher.

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